Married Ladies Random Thoughts

LiftedUp said:
I guess this feeling isn't normal. The "wedding" is tentatively carded for early next year.
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Would your feelings changed if things slowed?
i saw your post about others involvement. Would you feel better if you and he did things on your terms? I'm thinking all of the expectations can be overwhelming.
If you really don't feel ready you should get him to consider renting- especially if the house would be in both of your names.
 
@LiftedUp Please don't feel bad. It definitely sounds like you feel pressured. His family's involvement sounds overwhelming and suffocating. The help to pay for the wedding is nice, but not if it comes with conditions. It sounds like everyone is trying to plan what is supposed to be your day without giving you any say. So that is a point you should raise, that you need them to take a step back. They are already getting too involved and that doesn't really bode well for a marriage IMO. If he is very close with his family, it might be a point of contention but you don't want to feel like there are five people in your relationship instead of two. He needs to set boundaries before any more wedding discussion takes place.
 
I know know but I think the first year is the hardest year. Things have changed so much since month 1-5.

I really thought I should just leave and give up. But these days...I'm like what the heck was I thinking?

I'm glad I prayed a lot over it and gave things times. Time healed a lot of my problems. He has even started taking initiative more and working on finances. It's like our big problems worked themselves out in like a few months or so. Weird.
 
My bff told me I can be controlling with DH finances. I have strong opinions how he should spend his money. I agreed so I backed off telling him what to do. Well, we got our taxes back. He got a decent amount. He currently has very little savings. I would like for him to put half of his tax refund in savings and invest the other half or keep it on hand since we don't know how much money we will have to pay for fertility stuff if we go through with it and I'm not paying for it alone. Instead, he's only thinking about buying another car so he won't put so many miles on his truck.

Should I intervene or just let him figure this out? How can I plant a few seeds in his head?
 
PrissiSippi said:
My bff told me I can be controlling with DH finances. I have strong opinions how he should spend his money. I agreed so I backed off telling him what to do. Well, we got our taxes back. He got a decent amount. He currently has very little savings. I would like for him to put half of his tax refund in savings and invest the other half or keep it on hand since we don't know how much money we will have to pay for fertility stuff if we go through with it and I'm not paying for it alone. Instead, he's only thinking about buying another car so he won't put so many miles on his truck.

Should I intervene or just let him figure this out? How can I plant a few seeds in his head?
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I'm totally the wrong person to ask because I am the CFO in my household lol. Maybe introduce him to Dave Ramsey and discuss having an emergency plan in place. Also maybe discuss with him about setting up a budget and then see if the new car falls inline with the budget?
 
PrissiSippi said:
I know know but I think the first year is the hardest year. Things have changed so much since month 1-5.

I really thought I should just leave and give up. But these days...I'm like what the heck was I thinking?

I'm glad I prayed a lot over it and gave things times. Time healed a lot of my problems. He has even started taking initiative more and working on finances. It's like our big problems worked themselves out in like a few months or so. Weird.
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See this is exactly what I was worried about. We in month 4 and so far all has been good, minus a few little rifts. But now I am thinking we are moving from the oh we are married stage all lovey dovey, to the oh sh*t we are married stage, wtf did we get ourself into.
 
Taleah2009 said:
See this is exactly what I was worried about. We in month 4 and so far all has been good, minus a few little rifts. But now I am thinking we are moving from the oh we are married stage all lovey dovey, to the oh sh*t we are married stage, wtf did we get ourself into.
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Yeah that oh sh!t period comes and goes real quick lol. Nothing to sweat about. It is scary at the time being though
 
PrissiSippi said:
My bff told me I can be controlling with DH finances. I have strong opinions how he should spend his money. I agreed so I backed off telling him what to do. Well, we got our taxes back. He got a decent amount. He currently has very little savings. I would like for him to put half of his tax refund in savings and invest the other half or keep it on hand since we don't know how much money we will have to pay for fertility stuff if we go through with it and I'm not paying for it alone. Instead, he's only thinking about buying another car so he won't put so many miles on his truck.

Should I intervene or just let him figure this out? How can I plant a few seeds in his head?
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Why can't you just discuss it with him? The tax refund is as much yours as it his his.

Talk to him about having rainy day savings and find out what his thinking is on the other car business. Maybe he's thinking of the lease on the truck?

In a calm and open minded way sit down with him and go over the budget, discuss why you think you need more savings, discuss the increased expenses from another car, work out any alternatives or compromises. Put it all down on paper and decide together.

I tend to be the more financially astute one but I don't disregard DH point of view. Usually we throw all the options out on paper, list the pros and cons of each and then decide together on a course of action. Usually only one of us feels strongly about somethING so we can meet the needs of the person who feels more strongly.
 
Loving said:
^^^Wait until you have your first major blow out!!!! Then you will really be wondering if you made the right choice.
Don't sweat it. Its the natural progression of marriage.
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At 8 am DH and I were major cranky and by 10 am we were all lovvy dovvy by 10 am. It's like any other relationship - ups and downs. Sometimes they will make you crazy because they don't think like you and other times you will embrace the difference. The key is to always remember the love.
 
Do you ladies tell your husbands about every purchase you make? If not, what is the amount that you have decided you will tell him about or the amount you guys have decided you will discuss before purchasing? I sometimes feel guilty for buying some things for myself. I'm writing this after I went shopping this weekend, and just ordered some new boots online. :giggle:
 
delitefulmane said:
Do you ladies tell your husbands about every purchase you make? If not, what is the amount that you have decided you will tell him about or the amount you guys have decided you will discuss before purchasing? I sometimes feel guilty for buying some things for myself. I'm writing this after I went shopping this weekend, and just ordered some new boots online. :giggle:
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lol lol lol
 
Lol this man bought a car while I was away for the weekend. An old BMW at that. But like if something with the car goes wrong....who is going to be Able to fix it? Cuz he doesn't work on cars. Lol. But I guess that's none of my business though. He said he saved the rest for savings sooooo I hope so!
 
@delitefulmane

Your question is requires a question. Do you spend a lot of money just because? I ask because in my marriage, I don't routinely spend a lot so when I make a purchase, no matter the price, it just is. However, because I have a conscious, when its over a certain amount, I'll say something about it before I hit purchase. Sometimes I find out that he wanted to get something for himself or the kids or that he has a household item he wants to upgrade so I won't do it.

However, if you are newly married and used to doing your own thing, you might want to say something before you spend just as a courtesy. You may find that he will start doing the same and then the two of you can head off those extra shoe purchases or those spur of the moment tech gadget purchases the other might be prone to making.

You have to find your personal balance, especially if he pays most of the bills and/or makes more money than you. You don't want to feel beholden to his generosity, even though you contribute to the finances as well. I had a girlfriend who used to hide her purchases in her trunk and make her husband believe she already had them in the back of her junky closet.
 
HisBestFriend said:


Your question is requires a question. [B]Do you spend a lot of money just because?[/B] I ask because in my marriage, I don't routinely spend a lot so when I make a purchase, no matter the price, it just is. However, because I have a conscious, when its over a certain amount, I'll say something about it before I hit purchase. Sometimes I find out that he wanted to get something for himself or the kids or that he has a household item he wants to upgrade so I won't do it.

However, if you are newly married and used to doing your own thing, you might want to say something before you spend just as a courtesy. You may find that he will start doing the same and then the two of you can head off those extra shoe purchases or those spur of the moment tech gadget purchases the other might be prone to making.

You have to find your personal balance, especially if he pays most of the bills and/or makes more money than you. You don't want to feel beholden to his generosity, even though you contribute to the finances as well. [B]I had a girlfriend who used to hide her purchases in her trunk and make her husband believe she already had them in the back of her junky closet[/B].
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:lachen: :lachen: :lachen: Now, she's dead wrong for that!! :lol:

At the bolded, @HisBestFriend , no I do not. Since I am expecting, I have been needing to buy more clothes so I have been doing a lil shopping here and there. We are newly married so I am also trying to figure out a budget and get things I need at the same time. I don't want to be a hypocrite talking about budgeting when I am shopping. I am also used to doing my own thing, but I don't really know what would be a minimal amount that I would need to make him aware of. He knows I am not wasteful with my money so Im on the fence as to whether I need to mention every little cent that I spend
 
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@delitefulmane
yeah. My friend & her husband are two nut cases together, but hey, it works for them.

From my experience, if you start mentioning every little thing, he'll become accustomed to it. Then the 1st time or few times you don't mention it he might wonder why you didn't mention it. And then you may start to feel resentful like "look I told you out of courtesy, durnnit, don't go thinking you run me" "i make money and can spend it how the heck I want to, I don't need your permission." When all he was doing was asking because he has been trained into knowing every little expenditure. My personal notification amount is low (150.00). But then again, sometimes, I just spend and say something after the fact but we have the established routine so it doesn't raise an eyebrow.
 
HisBestFriend said:
@delitefulmane
yeah. My friend & her husband are two nut cases together, but hey, it works for them.

From my experience, if you start mentioning every little thing, he'll become accustomed to it. Then the 1st time or few times you don't mention it he might wonder why you didn't mention it. And then you may start to feel resentful like "look I told you out of courtesy, durnnit, don't go thinking you run me" "i make money and can spend it how the heck I want to, I don't need your permission." When all he was doing was asking because he has been trained into knowing every little expenditure. My personal notification amount is low (150.00). But then again, sometimes, I just spend and say something after the fact but we have the established routine so it doesn't raise an eyebrow.
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:bighug: Thanks @HisBestFriend ! This helps.
Is that $150 the total for the month or when you spend it that time? :giggle:
 
@delitefulmane

150 at a time and only when it's just on me. When I'm spending for the house or the kids. I simply say I'm getting stuff for the kids/house and won't get too spendy (lol). However, if I feel any guilt about the amount I spent then I'll mention it to him. If not, I carry on until the next expenditure.

Like I said, I know 150 is low but we have been growing together from nothing to something and these were the habits we built with nothing. Now, I can spend that amount on a single blouse but the habit to mention it is still there.
 
HisBestFriend said:
@delitefulmane

150 at a time and only when it's just on me. When I'm spending for the house or the kids. I simply say I'm getting stuff for the kids/house and won't get too spendy (lol). However, if I feel any guilt about the amount I spent then I'll mention it to him. If not, I carry on until the next expenditure.

Like I said, I know 150 is low but we have been growing together from nothing to something and these were the habits we built with nothing. Now, I can spend that amount on a single blouse but the habit to mention it is still there.
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@HisBestFriend :flowers: You guys have a good and solid foundation! I like that! I will keep this in mind! Thanks!
 
I'm so trifling. We got married in October and I am finally getting around to doing thank you cards. Mind you, I bought the zazzle groupon in December! lol. At least its getting done finally.
 
HisBestFriend said:
@delitefulmane

Your question is requires a question. Do you spend a lot of money just because? I ask because in my marriage, I don't routinely spend a lot so when I make a purchase, no matter the price, it just is. However, because I have a conscious, when its over a certain amount, I'll say something about it before I hit purchase. Sometimes I find out that he wanted to get something for himself or the kids or that he has a household item he wants to upgrade so I won't do it.

However, if you are newly married and used to doing your own thing, you might want to say something before you spend just as a courtesy. You may find that he will start doing the same and then the two of you can head off those extra shoe purchases or those spur of the moment tech gadget purchases the other might be prone to making.

You have to find your personal balance, especially if he pays most of the bills and/or makes more money than you. You don't want to feel beholden to his generosity, even though you contribute to the finances as well. I had a girlfriend who used to hide her purchases in her trunk and make her husband believe she already had them in the back of her junky closet.
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My mom used to hide the packages in the trunk. lol. Now her and my dad have separate accounts so she can spend what she likes.

@delitefulmane, we have a joint account used for joint spending and then each have separate personal accounts. Before marriage I was all about having separate accounts, but now I am wondering if its better if we do complete joint because I want us to always be on the same page and working as a unit and I don't want to feel like my money vs his money. I am trying to practice everything is ours. . so I am really perplexed and puzzled on what to do lol. Neither of us are bigger spenders, but I will alert him if I am making a big purchase, even if its from my personal account.
 
delitefulmane said:
:lachen: :lachen: :lachen: Now, she's dead wrong for that!! :lol:

At the bolded, @HisBestFriend , no I do not. Since I am expecting, I have been needing to buy more clothes so I have been doing a lil shopping here and there. We are newly married so I am also trying to figure out a budget and get things I need at the same time. I don't want to be a hypocrite talking about budgeting when I am shopping. I am also used to doing my own thing, but I don't really know what would be a minimal amount that I would need to make him aware of. He knows I am not wasteful with my money so Im on the fence as to whether I need to mention every little cent that I spend
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I wrote my post before I read yours, and I totally feel your entire post. I am soo used to doing my own thing as well
 
We each have an annual shopping budget, so we don't have to discuss each purchase. For household stuff we will discuss if it's over $200 or so - like if we need a new appliance or something. Most things we end up talking about anyway, just as part of our day to day conversation.
 
Dh is soooo sensitive today :perplexed:. Gessshh. My bed and breakfast surprise is Thursday. He was trippin so bad this morning, I almost canceled our reservation .He misunderstood something I said and I told him I didn't mean it that way. But he still wanted to get mad. After explaining myself 3 times, I said look if you wanna still be mad that's on you, have a good day. :look: He better get over it because I don't need him ruining my surprise for him. :yep:

I really think it's because we haven't been intimate for a like a week now. Maybe he just needs some......
 
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