Married Ladies Random Thoughts

I'm so glad to have found married women who can relate to so many things that go on in marriages. I swear my cousins were starting to make me out to be a bad wife for having periods of silence with hubby. I think everyone handles things differently. I HAVE to go silent at times to allow myself to think and clear my mind without strangling him. They made it seemed as though I was the only one who gets in bed and dares his pinky toe to rub up against me when we are in the middle of an issue! LOL!
 
sunnieb said:
Take care @Taleah2009. I've been there.

I think that whole 'don't go to bed angry' stuff was written in a fairytale somewhere.
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Agreed! We were able to do the never go to sleep angry thing the 1st 5 years of marriage. But sometimes things crop up that can't/won't resolve so easily. Especially if the man is passive aggressive and you are unable to find a resolution. Focus on taking good care of you @Taleah2009.
 
oh i've stopped getting my dh gifts. His wants are very very specific ....eg : he may want a red shirt with a blue diagonal stripe, but if I purchase a red shirt with a blue horizontal stripe it's a totally different thing and it' s not what he wanted (just using the shirt as an example :) )

He usually goes and buys anything that he wants and just wants acknowledgement (father's day, birthday, v day).....and we go out to dinner or lunch.
 
hopeful said:
Agreed! We were able to do the never go to sleep angry thing the 1st 5 years of marriage. But sometimes things crop up that can't/won't resolve so easily. Especially if the man is passive aggressive and you are unable to find a resolution. Focus on taking good care of you @Taleah2009.
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Thank you! so far I am trying my best to just focus on having a good day. I just finished my workout so I am feeling better. Will probably work out again in the evening.
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
oh i've stopped getting my dh gifts. His wants are very very specific ....eg : he may want a red shirt with a blue diagonal stripe, but if I purchase a red shirt with a blue horizontal stripe it's a totally different thing and it' s not what he wanted (just using the shirt as an example :) )

He usually goes and buys anything that he wants and just wants acknowledgement (father's day, birthday, v day).....and we go out to dinner or lunch.
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This is so funny to me. :lol:
 
syze6 said:
I'm so glad to have found married women who can relate to so many things that go on in marriages. I swear my cousins were starting to make me out to be a bad wife for having periods of silence with hubby. I think everyone handles things differently. I HAVE to go silent at times to allow myself to think and clear my mind without strangling him. They made it seemed as though I was the only one who gets in bed and dares his pinky toe to rub up against me when we are in the middle of an issue! LOL!
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What gets me about DH is if he "tries" to give me the silent treatment and I respond with the same in return, all of a sudden he wants to know what's wrong with me. Dude, really?! Just ask yourself!
 
syze6 said:
If I give mine the silent treatment for something HE has caused, he will get mad at me, because I'm mad at him then get quiet. Really????
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That's being passive aggressive. Although silent treatment is passive aggressive too. But, you likely wouldn't resort to going silent if you thought you two could calmly discuss the situation and come to some type of resolution. So he's mad that you're mad at him because he won't acknowledge, own up to, and/or apologize for something he did. Classic. While you're still young ladies try to nip this type of communication style before it becomes normalized and ingrained.
 
Ok I need some advice. Hubby and I talked but now I am feeling super guilty about my actions. I admit, I picked up my sword and yielded that thing all around. I am sooo not proud of my actions. He was dead wrong which was how the argument started but I popped off and escalated. The last time I popped off this bad was last June or July. I hate when I left myself get like that. I talk to myself and say self, you are not going to do that, but then I just go from 0 to 100 real quick.

How do you control the pop off? I vowed to lay down my sword and I have not being using it, but I picked it up Sunday and slashed my husband all up. I feel soo terrible inside.
 
@Taleah2009
But did he slash you first? I'm asking because men love to play on our guilt after we pop off. They play on our desire to be nice and ladylike. Especially black women who get this bad rap for being mean or hot tempered. Then the focus is on us and the mess they did is all but forgotten. Again, that's some slick passive aggression going down. And it's calculating and intentional on the man's part.

Not saying you didn't slice him or become too angry. But from what you wrote here he started it and now he's pouting and you feel guilty. You're taking the blame for his ish. Make sure you own only what's yours so he can own what's his.
 
Best way to control yourself IMO is to heal your childhood wounds as best you can and not tolerate passive aggression and poor communication to seep into your relationship. And realize that it takes two to tango and men are 50% of the couple and are equally responsible for working on the marriage and themselves as well.
 
hopeful said:
@Taleah2009
But did he slash you first? I'm asking because men love to play on our guilt after we pop off. They play on our desire to be nice and ladylike. Especially black women who get this bad rap for being mean or hot tempered. Then the focus is on us and the mess they did is all but forgotten. Again, that's some slick passive aggression going down. And it's calculating and intentional on the man's part.

Not saying you didn't slice him or become too angry. But from what you wrote here he started it and now he's pouting and you feel guilty. You're taking the blame for his ish. Make sure you own only what's yours so he can own what's his.
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He didn't slash me first, but that's exactly what happened!! He was wrong, I popped off, and now the focus is/was on my pop off and not how he was wrong. Even he admitted and apologized for his wrongness, but too much focus was on my pop off. I only realized that yesterday exactly what you said. His ish get swept under and forgotten and it becomes a focus on what I did. That's why I need to learn to control the pop-off, #1 because I hate letting myself to get that point, an #2 I need my issues resolved under swept under the rug because the focus is too much on my actions.
 
hopeful said:
Best way to control yourself IMO is to heal your childhood wounds as best you can and not tolerate passive aggression and poor communication to seep into your relationship. And realize that it takes two to tango and men are 50% of the couple and are equally responsible for working on the marriage and themselves as well.
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Thank you! For future reference you mentioned above to not accept (or do) the silent treatment. When your husband is doing the silent treatment, how would suggest to nip this behavior?
 
I think they sometimes slash us and we don't even know it or realize it till later. As black women we often tend to be very direct and transparent. Men (not all) on the other hand tend to be more indirect. In other words they set things up so that the bad things they do were by accident, unintentional, done out of a misunderstanding, they forgot, etc. etc. It is a tactic for them like white people and micro aggression. Yes I'm still racist but I'm going to get at you more covertly. Some men can be very covert in their attacks but we still feel hurt because deep down we know they are being disrespectful or unloving in some way but because they are masking or hiding it in some way, we feel some level of confusion. Check out the signs of abuse thread. Look up gas lighting etc. Not saying your dh is abusive. Just saying keep your eyes wide open and be educated on the tactics men use to hurt us, even those who are supposed to love us. We have to be very healthy also to see it and address it.
 
Taleah2009 said:
Thank you! For future reference you mentioned above to not accept (or do) the silent treatment. When your husband is doing the silent treatment, how would suggest to nip this behavior?
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It is hard to nip it in the bud if they don't want to. Just keep remembering it takes two, not just you. Our society puts a lot of pressure on us to keep a marriage going but that's unfair and it simply doesn't work. All you can do is say I think we should talk and be honest with each other, work together to solve this. Keep track of what happens though. Men often say what we want to hear to shut us up. Watch their actions far more than you listen to their words or fall for their charm. Pay attention to how you feel inside. Learn to trust your feelings.
 
We have where you have to be silent for a reason. Ex: upset so silent to keep from saying something hurtful or making things worse

This way you say you'll talk later when calm but not silent just to be silent to prove a point. You ask if the other is ready to talk yet... If so, talk... If not, wait

Taleah2009 said:
Thank you! For future reference you mentioned above to not accept (or do) the silent treatment. When your husband is doing the silent treatment, how would suggest to nip this behavior?
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hopeful said:
All you can do is say I think we should talk and be honest with each other, work together to solve this.
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Yes...i like this. I did that once and he was wasn't willing to talk. I said "ok when you're ready to talk let me know" and got up to go to another room. He then said "ok, what did you want to say?' and I used that as an intro to start talking about the argument/issues.

of course I don't know if I can be like this all the time...but I'm trying to be better than i used to be.
 
What are some other free things I can do to show my appreciation to DH? Ive been doing this for three weeks so I'm slowly running out of things to do. Some things I've done:

Bought him some tie clips
Picked out hsi outfit when he asked me to last minute without complaining
Fixed his favorite meal
Ran his bath water
Gave him a massage
Gave him "cookie" how he wanted it
Being more affectionate
Took him out to eat
Went on a froyo date
Started watching tv shows with him more (We're on Bones)
Played nurse for him
Looked for a recliner that fits the living room (it's what he really wanted)

Should I just keep doing the same things over?
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
Yes...i like this. I did that once and he was wasn't willing to talk. I said "ok when you're ready to talk let me know" and got up to go to another room. He then said "ok, what did you want to say?' and I used that as an intro to start talking about the argument/issues.

of course I don't know if I can be like this all the time...but I'm trying to be better than i used to be.
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With my dh you can say well let me know when you want to talk about or discuss this. He'll say okay and then NEVER bring it up again and pretend everything is fine. When I bring it up again, maybe weeks later, he will act confused and like he doesn't know what I'm talking about :look:.
 
hopeful said:
With my dh you can say well let me know when you want to talk about or discuss this. He'll say okay and then NEVER bring it up again and pretend everything is fine. When I bring it up again, maybe weeks later, he will act confused and like he doesn't know what I'm talking about :look:.
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LOL. sometimes that happens with us too. He'll do silent treatment and then start talking to me when it's clear that I can hold out longer than he can. He doesn't really know how stubborn Aries women can be :lol:

If it was a petty argument I'll let it go. If not, then I *will* bring it up again

eta : but that's all in the past of course - I'm a changed woman :look: :lol:
 
LeftRightRepeat said:
LOL. sometimes that happens with us too. He'll do silent treatment and then start talking to me when it's clear that I can hold out longer than he can. He doesn't really know how stubborn Aries women can be :lol:

If it was a petty argument I'll let it go. If not, then I *will* bring it up again

eta : but that's all in the past of course - I'm a changed woman :look: :lol:
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lol lol at the last line lol
 
i agree dh and i had a hugggggeeeee argument over some pizza but the point was the issue was important to me...and my feelings are valid...so listen im important to you, figure out how to resolve this..i HATE when my feelings are invalidated no trust and believe if im upset or have an issue its important to ME!!!!

i dont do silent treatment anymore..thanks to QC..I will suggest us talking about the issue at hand....but i am not about to be in no house with no one acting funky with me.....I'll let dh know your negative energy is ruining the vibe in our home and this is not the type of home that works for a healthy marriage

oddly enough i get dressed and go run errands.....when my dh see's me getting dressed, combing my hair and smelling good and dolled up suddenly his brain wants to reconcile....my dh knows i am a woman who has things to do , places to go and ppl to see..dont get me confused with someone who is gonna be sitting up here with your bad attitude...lets talk about this, address the issue and resolve...if you are not willing to do that i will go about my day in brighter spirits....:look:

men are interesting whats important to them is and what's important to us is some emotional mumbo jumbo when our feelings as women are just as got damn valid and important ;)

hopeful said:
Right! And we would not accept that from a good girlfriend. If it's important to me, it should be important to you.
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lux10023 said:
oddly enough i get dressed and go run errands.....when my dh see's me getting dressed, combing my hair and smelling good and dolled up suddenly his brain wants to reconcile....my dh knows i am a woman who has things to do , places to go and ppl to see..dont get me confused with someone who is gonna be sitting up here with your bad attitude...lets talk about this, address the issue and resolve...if you are not willing to do that i will go about my day in brighter spirits....:look:
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This right here gets them on act right quick, fast and in a hurry.
 
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