Married Ladies Random Thoughts

Miss617 said:
He was upset about a change to his health insurance that's gonna make his deductions go up. If something else is going on, I'm not aware. And he was aggravated because I guess he blames me for our landlady telling us we need to move out by February 15. I told her she was being inconsiderate ringing the doorbell multiple times and waking up our son. I said her forgetting her keys wasn't our problem and I wasn't going to keep opening the door for her (we live on the third floor). Then she said it wasn't going to be her problem anymore and we needed to be out by February. But that's not even what he yelled at me about the first time. It was over a damn curtain.
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Rule number 1 only my parents can yell at me and get away with it. You need to tell him to watch his tone and get back to you when he's calm enough to talk in a normal tone
 
Foxglove said:
Rule number 1 only my parents can yell at me and get away with it. You need to tell him to watch his tone and get back to you when he's calm enough to talk in a normal tone
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We probably only said two words to each other the rest of the night. Today it was business as usual even though I told him I was still mad at him and he said that made him sad. But he still didn't apologize.
 
I would not stay there, I would be right in the city in the hotel downtown

His sister should understand you guys are a got damn married couple
We will Not be staying at your place as I'm not comfortable there

I'm seething for you ugh :mad::mad::mad:




hopeful said:
Girl if you don't take your cute booty to that hotel in the city. He'll have to figure out how to make it work. His problem, not yours. He and sister-in-law win. Not fair when you discussed ahead of time. And he ain't even stuck with them. No way:nono:.
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lux10023 said:
I would not stay there, I would be right in the city in the hotel downtown

His sister should understand you guys are a got damn married couple
We will Not be staying at your place as I'm not comfortable there

I'm seething for you ugh :mad::mad::mad:
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Thanks, ladies. :grouphug: @lux10023 @hopeful @PrissiSippi

I took your advice and left in the middle of the ****** night. :yep: Checked into my hotel-- alone. Husband called me, I cursed him out :look: and now cozying it up. He has apologized and said he would talk to his sister and his family ( I told him he could explain why I left). I also told him he could leave his arse right there, but he said he will be coming over to the hotel after his meetings tomorrow.
Now.... off to sleep in this comfy hotel bed. :cool:
 
PrissiSippi said:
I asked his sister how to encourage him to be a better leader at the house. Like he just waits for me to tell him stuff needs to be done at the house. Then he uses the excuse well my parents house didn't have these things. Or how would I know? Or I really don't care either way. I'm tired of me leading and him following. I feel like as a Christian husband he should be the initiator. But then I have to be watchful of my mouth. I'm learning how to talk to people. I can be too blunt. When I am he shuts down.

Well his sister tells me he won't be a leader. That's just how he is. Passive. Cuz he's the baby. When he needed a car they bought him one. When he needed a job his parents got him one. He's used to his parents kinda guiding him so it's going to take time but at the end of the day that's him.

Is it bad I'm annoyed by her conversation. Maybe it's just the truth. He HAS come a long way but I want him to stop,this "baby where do you want to go?" Wherever u wanna go. Baby what's the next project for the house? I don't know what do you want. Baby what do you want to go for vacation? It's up to you.
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That's who married right? You did already know this about him right? His sister just told you the truth...no to be mad at but yourself. You have 2 chices: train him to make the decisions you would make or keep leading. It is what it is.

PS: DONT YOU EVER ASK YOUR SISTER IN LAW SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN. Dont involve people in your business like that. It can and will backfire. How would you feel if he did that to you?
 
secretdiamond said:
Thanks, ladies. :grouphug: @lux10023 @hopeful @PrissiSippi

I took your advice and left in the middle of the ****** night. :yep: Checked into my hotel-- alone. Husband called me, I cursed him out :look: and now cozying it up. He has apologized and said he would talk to his sister and his family ( I told him he could explain why I left). I also told him he could leave his arse right there, but he said he will be coming over to the hotel after his meetings tomorrow.
Now.... off to sleep in this comfy hotel bed. :cool:
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:look: Glad you got your way but if you think your inlaws don't like you now...there had to be a more diplomatic way to handle it. Perhaps let him know once he came to be that you would be leaving with him in the morning and checking into the hotel. I don't believe in letting people see you divided. Now your SIL knows how to put a wedge in between you. If she's the biah I think she is she wont be letting this go anytime soon.
 
Femmefatal1981 said:
That's who married right? You did already know this about him right? His sister just told you the truth...no to be mad at but yourself. You have 2 chices: train him to make the decisions you would make or keep leading. It is what it is.

PS: DONT YOU EVER ASK YOUR SISTER IN LAW SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN. Dont involve people in your business like that. It can and will backfire. How would you feel if he did that to you?
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Yeah I know it's the truth. I'm just frustrated as heck. For no reason. He's always been this way. But now it seems like it's a deal breaker for me. It wasn't before. I guess I'm frustrated with myself. I feel that if you're not a strong leader I will run all over you and you will let me. Then I won't respect you. Then I lost interest. It's a battle.

The other day he actually made a list of what he wanted me to cook this week. And told me something he wanted to do around the house that bothers him. I'm taking it with stride and completing them. I just don't know how to stroke his ego and keep him doing it.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Yeah I know it's the truth. I'm just frustrated as heck. For no reason. He's always been this way. But now it seems like it's a deal breaker for me. It wasn't before. I guess I'm frustrated with myself. I feel that if you're not a strong leader I will run all over you and you will let me. Then I won't respect you. Then I lost interest. It's a battle.

The other day he actually made a list of what he wanted me to cook this week. And told me something he wanted to do around the house that bothers him. I'm taking it with stride and completing them. I just don't know how to stroke his ego and keep him doing it.
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You never know what you can't handle til you can't.
People can and will change with the right reinforcements.
Dh was a chronic complainer, then one night I told him straight up- You have options, if it's that bad, exercise them. And the complaining ended.
 
Honestly I would've done the same and explained to his sis that sleeping on a twin blow up bed is not comfortable situation for me
Ofcourse in a diplomatic way

Dh knew your feelings on this, don't put me on a situation where I've explained countless times in a kind and nice manner that I do not want to impose or stay at your family's house

Respect my wishes and also let your sister know that, very simple

If I do stay at anyone's home it would be in a guest room on the other side of the house where we wouldn't bother anyone

Furthermore I like accommodations so I'm going to a nice hotel
I don't enjoy staying at someone's home like no I'm not ten yes old lol


My dh tried to do something similar
And his friend has a crazy large house on the south butttt this man and his wife had 5 dogs talk about dog hair everywhere

I was in that house for all of ten mins and we are all sitting there talking on the living/family room area

I sent dh an undercover text like babes I can't stay here another minute
The dog hair was choking me, it was everywhere omg

Mind you they were suppose to be hosting us at their home all day , over my dead body
I felt so weird I stood up, you have a mansion with pet hair everywhere

It was to cold to sit on in their outdoor patio area

Dh kindly made up a story and told them we had a change of plans
Ain't no way I was staying there and I made that clear



secretdiamond said:
Thanks, ladies. :grouphug: @lux10023 @hopeful @PrissiSippi

I took your advice and left in the middle of the ****** night. :yep: Checked into my hotel-- alone. Husband called me, I cursed him out :look: and now cozying it up. He has apologized and said he would talk to his sister and his family ( I told him he could explain why I left). I also told him he could leave his arse right there, but he said he will be coming over to the hotel after his meetings tomorrow.
Now.... off to sleep in this comfy hotel bed. :cool:
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Femmefatal1981 said:
:look: Glad you got your way but if you think your inlaws don't like you now...there had to be a more diplomatic way to handle it. Perhaps let him know once he came to be that you would be leaving with him in the morning and checking into the hotel. I don't believe in letting people see you divided. Now your SIL knows how to put a wedge in between you. If she's the biah I think she is she wont be letting this go anytime soon.
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I understand what you are saying but IMO the sis and dh put her between a rock and a hard place. They both needed to be taught that what she wanted mattered just as much as what they wanted. It's unfortunate that it got kind of messy and that sis-in-law knows more than she needs to know. But sometimes life gets messy and we don't always have the perfect answers and we do what works best in the moment. She was seething. I'm not sure she could have had a reasonable conversation with him in the morning. And I think SIL already knew how to put a wedge between them and was enjoying doing so. I think she and dh will be even closer moving forward. In an ideal world she would have calmly told him her plans the next morning. But in an ideal world her husband wouldn't have put her in this situation in the first place or SIL would have been understanding and said no you guys go the hotel and enjoy yourselves.

I'm not trying to have a debate. I would just hate for her to feel badly after finding the courage to stand up for herself.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Yeah I know it's the truth. I'm just frustrated as heck. For no reason. He's always been this way. But now it seems like it's a deal breaker for me. It wasn't before. I guess I'm frustrated with myself. I feel that if you're not a strong leader I will run all over you and you will let me. Then I won't respect you. Then I lost interest. It's a battle.

The other day he actually made a list of what he wanted me to cook this week. And told me something he wanted to do around the house that bothers him. I'm taking it with stride and completing them. I just don't know how to stroke his ego and keep him doing it.
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To the first bolded--you running over people who aren't leaders is more about you than him. I think the deal breaker you are dealing with is facing how you feel in the relationship and what that brings out in you. I think you are just as frustrated with who you are as with who he is. Marriage forces you to be more loving and patient with your dh and yourself. And that isn't always easy. But it is often worthwhile. You just got married. We just saw your beautiful wedding pics a few months ago. You will have to learn to be more optimistic and patient and more willing to look at your part in this dynamic.

And to the 2nd bolded -- if you want to not be the leader, get used to stroking that ego. It doesn't have to be excessive but you have to say thank you more and show appreciation more. It's one of the reasons people like leading. You get thanked a lot and are looked up to, which is probably one of the reasons you enjoy leading so much. I actually do not think you want to be led, at least not all of the time. I think you will discover that you and your dh will do better with a more balanced relationship. Doing a complete 180 will likely require too much change from both of you. I know you may be jealous when you see a couple where the dh is a strong leader but you really need to not just look at how different dh is from those men, but how different you are from the women in those relationships.
 
hopeful said:
To the first bolded--you running over people who aren't leaders is more about you than him. I think the deal breaker you are dealing with is facing how you feel in the relationship and what that brings out in you. I think you are just as frustrated with who you are as with who he is. Marriage forces you to be more loving and patient with your dh and yourself. And that isn't always easy. But it is often worthwhile. You just got married. We just saw your beautiful wedding pics a few months ago. You will have to learn to be more optimistic and patient and more willing to look at your part in this dynamic.

And to the 2nd bolded -- if you want to not be the leader, get used to stroking that ego. It doesn't have to be excessive but you have to say thank you more and show appreciation more. It's one of the reasons people like leading. You get thanked a lot and are looked up to, which is probably one of the reasons you enjoy leading so much. I actually do not think you want to be led, at least not all of the time. I think you will discover that you and your dh will do better with a more balanced relationship. Doing a complete 180 will likely require too much change from both of you. I know you may be jealous when you see a couple where the dh is a strong leader but you really need to not just look at how different dh is from those men, but how different you are from the women in those relationships.
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I don't want to be led at all times. In fact I have some friends in relationships like that and they are miserable. They can't go out with us. Their husband keeps all the money in separate accounts they can't touch, their husbands are verbally abusive and criticize their wives house-keeping ways, or criticize all the things their wives verbally say.

I don't want that. BUT I feel like just like I do my job as a wife he should do more as a husband. I'll PM you.
 
@PrissiSippi
You say you worry about him letting you run all over him. But that is on you. You are responsible for your actions and you don't have to run all over him.
I realize that I'm going off of limited information because I see where you say you feel he should do more as a husband. That maybe true but also doesn't necessarily mean he isn't leading. So that makes me wonder what a man's leadership means to you.
Also, consider the possibility that leadership from a husband isn't always being vocal, firm, stern, militant and making decisions without your input. Gentleness, silence and compromise, selflessness are all forms of leaderships even though they may appear weak. They are in fact traits of strong character. Maybe you are misinterpreting his actions or lack of action?
 
Let
PrissiSippi said:
Yeah I know it's the truth. I'm just frustrated as heck. For no reason. He's always been this way. But now it seems like it's a deal breaker for me. It wasn't before. I guess I'm frustrated with myself. I feel that if you're not a strong leader I will run all over you and you will let me. Then I won't respect you. Then I lost interest. It's a battle.

The other day he actually made a list of what he wanted me to cook this week. And told me something he wanted to do around the house that bothers him. I'm taking it with stride and completing them. I just don't know how to stroke his ego and keep him doing it.
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I'll come back and give you ideas on this...the first thing you have to do is step back.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Yeah I know it's the truth. I'm just frustrated as heck. For no reason. He's always been this way. But now it seems like it's a deal breaker for me. It wasn't before. I guess I'm frustrated with myself. I feel that if you're not a strong leader I will run all over you and you will let me. Then I won't respect you. Then I lost interest. It's a battle.

The other day he actually made a list of what he wanted me to cook this week. And told me something he wanted to do around the house that bothers him. I'm taking it with stride and completing them. I just don't know how to stroke his ego and keep him doing it.
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Hey Dear. First of all let me give you a e-hug :bighug:. Marriage is work. Probably the hardest thing we will do. But it can be so rewarding. You remind me so much of how I was when first getting married. I am naturally aggressive and my Dh is sooooo laid back. It was annoying to me how he would not take charge of things. But one thing I learned is patience. Your marriage will not be perfected in one day, one year, probably not in one decade. You have to give him time to grow into the husband you want him to be. I know you say he has always been like this, but being a boyfriend and walking to the role of husband is different. And though men may not be very vocal, they can be insecure and fearful about stepping into these roles as well. And it can be very discouraging to always have someone pointing out to you what you are always doing wrong. When I first got married my husband told me "Do I ever do anything right". I was sooo broken when he told me that. I felt like a fool. I had a man that loved, would walked the earth for me but because he didn't fit into my "perfect" mold of a husband, I was tearing him down. And words can tear a man down. And as a wife you have the power to hurt your husband more than anyone. I learned to appreciate my husband for who he is and the things I don't like, I address it to him (not nag lol) and leave it to God. When I began speaking kindness to my husband and building him up, he started to become even greater.

You can't change your husband. You can't. You can tell your husband what bothers him, but that change has to come from within him. But sit back and really evaluate your marriage and chances are you will see this is not a deal breaker. But you can't focus all day on the negative things because you will eventually want to leave. Just calm down and enjoy your husband. Not some idea of what you want him to be, but just enjoy him. You married him so there has to be some things you love about him. But give him a chance to grow. Just like he may need to work on leadership skills, you may need to work on just relaxing :laugh:. Women are being beaten, cheated on, manipulated etc everyday by their husbands so I learn to appreciate my husband because this man does something that is better than just love, he respects me.

So just calm down love and enjoy the journey of marriage. Marriage matures you.(if you allow it) I am not the same woman I was 2 years ago and neither is DH. Bring your husband before God in prayer and WAIT for the change to occur. And always remember just like you don't like some things about him, he don't like some things about you either :laugh::laugh:. I know it's the truth about my DH. How would you feel if he was thinking about all the things he didn't like about you and saying deal breakers? I know I would be hurt :kick2::laugh:.

Marriages a lot of times do not work out because people want the spouse to change immediately and we have this fairy tale of how we want our spouses to be. The best thing you can do is love that man and support him. Supporting him will change him faster than nagging him.
 
Sosoothing said:
@PrissiSippi
You say you worry about him letting you run all over him. But that is on you. You are responsible for your actions and you don't have to run all over him.
I realize that I'm going off of limited information because I see where you say you feel he should do more as a husband. That maybe true but also doesn't necessarily mean he isn't leading. So that makes me wonder what a man's leadership means to you.
Also, consider the possibility that leadership from a husband isn't always being vocal, firm, stern, militant and making decisions without your input. Gentleness, silence and compromise, selflessness are all forms of leaderships even though they may appear weak. They are in fact traits of strong character. Maybe you are misinterpreting his actions or lack of action?
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I loved this post.
 
secretdiamond said:
I really REALLY don't like my husband right now. :mad:

Just arrived to a trip to another state. we stop by to see his sister. I usually tell his arse to tell his family in advance if he/we are coming in to town, and also if he/we are/aren't staying with them. He usually brushes me off and acts as if it's unnecessary to provide any notification to his family beforehand. Acts as if I'm nagging.

When he has traveled alone here, he has stayed with her. I've posted before about his family treats me. So naturally, we booked a hotel. Last minute I find out that we are stopping by. Fine, I say. But we are not staying long. I'm tired, want to shower and relax. We get in, and as we go to leave, I find out (as does his sister) that he never told them we were going to stay in a hotel! After I told his ass to always let people know beforehand what is going to happen. I look at him and say, "you didn't tell her we weren't staying?!! :mad:" His ass just looking at me, then goes "no."

Now, I look like the bad guy, when she looks at me like "my brother always stays here. what is my house not good enough for you? I'll tell you right now, if you walk out this door, I'm gonna feel some type of way."

DH still says nothing. I say this was last minute and I didn't want to put them out. Now, I'm stuck here for the damn week, with wasted hotel reservations, in a house I sure as hell don't feel comfortable in, sleeping in their 4 yr old's room on an air mattress :mad:. It has been awkward this entire time, and I've only been here for 2 hrs. I don't fing understand this man!!!! I could literally strangle him! :mad:

I just had to vent here.
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I am sorry but this is NOT fair to you and you don't even have a bed to sleep in. Air mattresses are not that comfortable.
 
Miss617 said:
I can't avoid saying this any longer: I am unhappy. Very unhappy. And I have been for a while. So what do I do now?
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Go back and re-read every positive post you've written about your dh. Think about your baby. Think about black love and the importance of marriage period, and in our communities. Accept that you are in a valley and sit it out. Marriage isn't just about being happy. It's also about learning and growing together. Folks like you and me didn't grow up in a home seeing a normal/healthy married mom and dad relationship. So unfortunately it is harder for us. Be determined to work it out and stay married. It will be worth it:yep:. For you, your dh, your son, your family, his family, etc. for generations. Sit tight. It's going to be okay. Your dh loves you very much. You are both just going through some thangs and trying to figure things out. Be patient, optimistic, persistent, and determined.
 
Miss617 said:
I can't avoid saying this any longer: I am unhappy. Very unhappy. And I have been for a while. So what do I do now?
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Take some time to cool off and let him know that you need to talk. It helps me to write out my thoughts bc I can forget things in the heat of the moment. He may not realize how unhappy you are and likely won't know unless you tell him. I would try and schedule some time that works for the two of you (and leave the baby with a sitter if possible to minimize distractions) and just lay everything on the table
 
Thank you @hopeful. It's just been hard... I don't know why or when things started getting bad, but I know this isn't us. I know we're better than this. It's funny that you mentioned the mom and dad relationship because the other night when I was really pissed off, I called my dad (which I never do) and talked to him for like five hours and he said some stuff that made me look at his and my mother's relationship a little differently.

I read "thangs" in the voice of Rick from The Walking Dead and that made me laugh (I had to go to the bathroom at work because I felt like crying, and did), so thank you for that.
 
Foxglove said:
Take some time to cool off and let him know that you need to talk. It helps me to write out my thoughts bc I can forget things in the heat of the moment. He may not realize how unhappy you are and likely won't know unless you tell him. I would try and schedule some time that works for the two of you (and leave the baby with a sitter if possible to minimize distractions) and just lay everything on the table
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I was planning to do this if/when I got some down time at work today. I think you're right that he probably doesn't realize it, because I haven't come right out and said. It's more just been me reacting to stuff he's said that upset me. But we definitely need to sit down and talk because I'm sure there's stuff that he isn't telling me either.
 
hopeful said:
I understand what you are saying but IMO the sis and dh put her between a rock and a hard place. They both needed to be taught that what she wanted mattered just as much as what they wanted. It's unfortunate that it got kind of messy and that sis-in-law knows more than she needs to know. But sometimes life gets messy and we don't always have the perfect answers and we do what works best in the moment. She was seething. I'm not sure she could have had a reasonable conversation with him in the morning. And I think SIL already knew how to put a wedge between them and was enjoying doing so. I think she and dh will be even closer moving forward. In an ideal world she would have calmly told him her plans the next morning. But in an ideal world her husband wouldn't have put her in this situation in the first place or SIL would have been understanding and said no you guys go the hotel and enjoy yourselves.

I'm not trying to have a debate. I would just hate for her to feel badly after finding the courage to stand up for herself.
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Just to update:

No reasonable conversation could have been had. DH was plain ol ignoring the issue and ignoring my feelings on the matter. I was so angry, hurt & uncomfortable-- especially when I kept thinking about how his family treats me-- I was close to tears. DH saw that and turned over. :mad: I knew I couldn't take it any longer and left. SIL was not privy to my argument over the phone (or rather, me yelling at him). She had no idea I had even left, at the time.

But, yes, they needed to know that I mattered, too, in this situation. And, it WORKED.

Ladies, I only came here to vent at the time because I felt so hurt, angry, and alone. Just wanted to let off steam, but ended getting much more in advice from you.

The following morning, DH spoke to his sister regarding me feeling unwelcomed not only in her home, but in the family as well. He explained to her that this was a huge problem and since he married me, things would have to change. She called me after he left, said how shocked and hurt she was I left, sincerely apologized, said she would talk to the rest of the family, and that things will be different moving forward. His family will all be coming down to our new home for Christmas.

YA'LL this has been what I have been asking DH to do for more than a year!! He NEVER took the initiative to do anything, despite how hurt I expressed to him I felt. Despite seeing allll the tears. It took me standing up for myself IN THIS WAY for everyone to wake the hell up!

So, yes, I did the right thing! And I thank you @hopeful :notworthy: and the other ladies so much! I not only got to sleep in my comfy hotel bed, it looks like I finally got my new family as well.
:thankyou:
 
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