Married Ladies Random Thoughts

HappywithJC723 said:
Question.....I've been married for 4 years and we have a 23 month old. How did/do y'all handle sex when you're not exactly in the mood? I will admit, that I am not always up for it when DH is these days, but I also understand where he is coming from. He argues that due to time constraints of work, a toddler and running a household that whenever we get a moment we should go for it. He's being reasonable during the times when he's in the mood. It is usually after the baby is in bed, all the household chores are done and we're just having a moment to chill. It's not like I'm totally turned off from him or the idea of coloring. Do y'all understand where I'm coming from?
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Definitely agree with keeping the intimacy going throughout the day and not trying to just get something going right before you go to bed. At the end of the day I'm drained and I just want to go to sleep. That's the worst time for me. If I get busy with life and work, I could go days without even thinking about sex. One thing I did differently was to initiate sex when it was convenient for me, rather than waiting until he came to me to let me know he was in the mood. Also, don't just rely on him to get you in the mood. Get yourself started and let him reap the benefits.

DH hates, HATES, the idea of scheduling sex. So I would schedule it for us, but not tell him about it. I tried to be mindful of how long he was going without, and knowing what his limit is, I could make sure he didn't go past that. On "sex day" I'd flirt with him, try to seduce him, etc. He loved that I was more forward, and he didn't feel like it was planned, even though it was.

If he isn't doing his part around the house, that should be addressed also. If you're stressed from doing too much that will definitely affect your sex life.
 
FoxxyLocs said:
Definitely agree with keeping the intimacy going throughout the day and not trying to just get something going right before you go to bed. At the end of the day I'm drained and I just want to go to sleep. That's the worst time for me. If I get busy with life and work, I could go days without even thinking about sex. One thing I did differently was to initiate sex when it was convenient for me, rather than waiting until he came to me to let me know he was in the mood. Also, don't just rely on him to get you in the mood. Get yourself started and let him reap the benefits.

DH hates, HATES, the idea of scheduling sex. So I would schedule it for us, but not tell him about it. I tried to be mindful of how long he was going without, and knowing what his limit is, I could make sure he didn't go past that. On "sex day" I'd flirt with him, try to seduce him, etc. He loved that I was more forward, and he didn't feel like it was planned, even though it was.

If he isn't doing his part around the house, that should be addressed also. If you're stressed from doing too much that will definitely affect your sex life.
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I agree with everything that has been said. I know I definitely need to start initiating more...especially with the flirting throughout the day thing. I go from mommy mode to attempting to be sexy wife mode and that does NOT work! We talked about everything and I realized that I was putting a lot of unnecessary stress on myself. DH is good about chores around the house. He picks up the slack and helps me out a lot without having to be asked. After talking with you ladies and with him, I feel a lot better about this :yep:
 
This is the first year my DH spent it without his family. His family didn't want to drive up to see us since they came last year. So we had thanksgiving at our house with my family. So for christmas should I go to his house first? I don't think he cares all that but I want him to know I pay attention to stuff like that. Plus I don't like how his family babies him. They face timed me and said bring our baby to us. Bruh this man 6'4 and like 260 pounds. There is no baby in sight. I don't want them thinking I stole him or don't want him spending time with his family.
 
I asked his sister how to encourage him to be a better leader at the house. Like he just waits for me to tell him stuff needs to be done at the house. Then he uses the excuse well my parents house didn't have these things. Or how would I know? Or I really don't care either way. I'm tired of me leading and him following. I feel like as a Christian husband he should be the initiator. But then I have to be watchful of my mouth. I'm learning how to talk to people. I can be too blunt. When I am he shuts down.

Well his sister tells me he won't be a leader. That's just how he is. Passive. Cuz he's the baby. When he needed a car they bought him one. When he needed a job his parents got him one. He's used to his parents kinda guiding him so it's going to take time but at the end of the day that's him.

Is it bad I'm annoyed by her conversation. Maybe it's just the truth. He HAS come a long way but I want him to stop,this "baby where do you want to go?" Wherever u wanna go. Baby what's the next project for the house? I don't know what do you want. Baby what do you want to go for vacation? It's up to you.
 
@PrissiSippi
I think you were probably attracted to him because he let you lead and he was attracted to you because he is comfortable with being led. If you now want him to change, you will have to change. You can't boss, bully, or beg him to change because all of those things are emasculating and will make him feel weaker.

I suggest that you fall back in some areas and you be the one that says what do you think and what do you want to do. When he tries to put it back on you, just shrug or say idk. You will have to start with areas that won't drive you nuts if they don't get done how you want. If you pick a pressing area like finances and it affects you negatively you might blow up. So start with things like where to go out to eat, etc. and build up from there. I wish you guys had addressed this before getting married because now it's this big thing about him that you don't like and frustrates you. It's kind of sad. He was likely raised to be this gentle giant.

Your primary goal I think should be to support and encourage him, to be soft and sweet. But do not baby him or treat him like your son. Approach him like he is the strong man you know he can be.

You two are connected and you have to see that this is not about him but both of you. It takes two to tangle. You should focus equally on how much you need to change. Instead of thinking he this and that, say I this and that. I want to be less bossy, controlling, take charge, etc. And I want to be more feminine, laid back, flexible, etc. You will likely also find that there are areas that you will have to take the lead on from time to time. You may also find that having a take charge guy also has its frustrations as well. In the future I would not discuss this with his family either.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Is it bad I'm annoyed by her conversation. Maybe it's just the truth. He HAS come a long way but I want him to stop,this "baby where do you want to go?" Wherever u wanna go. Baby what's the next project for the house? I don't know what do you want. Baby what do you want to go for vacation? It's up to you.
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@PrissiSippi
you can be annoyed, but seems like you married a follower. Since it easier to change yourself you have to start there. Become a follower and hopefully he will begin to lead. As @hopeful said start with areas that aren't very significant.
You version has a very good wife reading plan, maybe consider that. Or even ask him to do a challenge with you where you read the wife lesson and he reads the husband (I'm sure there's one) and you all can reflect. That way it's not you critiquing him, it's him actually seeing how his actions contrast with what the Bible says husbands should do.
 
@PrissiSippi - I read your post and just wanted to add that when we're upset, sometimes it seems like "everything" is wrong with a person...but are you sure he's a follower in every way? Is there one area that you can think of that he likes to lead or make decisions? If so, compliment him on that and let him know that watching him be a strong leader really does it for you.

Also, I am a wife that believes in never, never, eva, eva...talking to my husband's family in a negative way about him (or mine for that matter). Throughout my marriage, the friends of ours that do this...always have horror stories to share.

One example: My friend's husband is set in his ways. She told me that she calls his mother to complain that he's set in his ways. The mother listens to her politely, and so does his sister. They agree - he's set in his ways. Fast forward a few years, and we find out that his family doesn't like her. They LOVE her husband, but they don't like her...they tolerate her because she's married to their beloved son.

I try to always speak well of my husband to his family. Over the years it's created a close bond between us.
 
lana said:
@PrissiSippi - I read your post and just wanted to add that when we're upset, sometimes it seems like "everything" is wrong with a person...but are you sure he's a follower in every way? Is there one area that you can think of that he likes to lead or make decisions? If so, compliment him on that and let him know that watching him be a strong leader really does it for you.

Also, I am a wife that believes in never, never, eva, eva...talking to my husband's family in a negative way about him (or mine for that matter). Throughout my marriage, the friends of ours that do this...always have horror stories to share.

One example: My friend's husband is set in his ways. She told me that she calls his mother to complain that he's set in his ways. The mother listens to her politely, and so does his sister. They agree - he's set in his ways. Fast forward a few years, and we find out that his family doesn't like her. They LOVE her husband, but they don't like her...they tolerate her because she's married to their beloved son.

I try to always speak well of my husband to his family. Over the years it's created a close bond between us.
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I gives zero fawks what they think. They can tolerate me all they want. They made a monster. He HAS to lead. He's grown. I get it he's always been that way...I do....but man bruh. I don't know. I want him to grow out of that one thing. I wouldn't ever bring it up to him mom (cuz she babies him the most and she already I KNOW halfway lukewarm likes me because i stole her "baby boy") But the sister came to me. DH asked her to borrow a big sum of money. You don't ask a single parent to borrow some money to bail you out especially when you and your wife have no kids, yall make over 120,000 together and yall have no major bills. It's just petty little bills. Get a second job and fix that ish or go to your wife. Your parents and siblings aren't able to bail you out and it makes US look bad like you can't go to your wife with your financial problems. I guess he was being a leader there. He made the initiating decision to ask his "financial adviser" his sister..... blah

All that to say. I always try to speak very well of him and baby him in public just like his family does. But since she came to me explaining about the fact he asked her for money and how he has to be his big boy drawls on and go to his wife....I felt the need to ask her what's the best way I can facilitate this because right now...I dunno. I'm just frustrated. I broke it down to him. He now understands why that's no Bueno but I just know two weeks later it will just come back up in another situation or form
 
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So my husband has been saying that he wants a motorcycle since I met him. I told him HELL NO! They are so dangerous and I don't like them. He used to have one in college.

So he talks about them All the time and every time he sees one he looks so sad. He never buys anything for himself so I told him he can go ahead and get one.

We go look at this Italian made motorcycle. A black Ducatti and he buys it. It's like the Ferrari of motorcycles. I tell him not to drive it home because he hasn't been on one in a while...He doesn't listen.

I'm driving home and he's following me. A few blocks from the dealership I look in the rearview and see him tumbling off the motorcycle and fall off. I turn around. He scratched up. Bike all f*cked up. Scratched up. Mirror hanging.

Why can't he just listen to me? It took everything in me not to go off but I know he was already upset and embarrassed. Smdh. And now I'm gonna constantly have anxiety about him on this bike.
 
tru4reele said:
So my husband has been saying that he wants a motorcycle since I met him. I told him HELL NO! They are so dangerous and I don't like them. He used to have one in college.

So he talks about them All the time and every time he sees one he looks so sad. He never buys anything for himself so I told him he can go ahead and get one.

We go look at this Italian made motorcycle. A black Ducatti and he buys it. It's like the Ferrari of motorcycles. I tell him not to drive it home because he hasn't been on one in a while...He doesn't listen.

I'm driving home and he's following me. A few blocks from the dealership I look in the rearview and see him tumbling off the motorcycle and fall off. I turn around. He scratched up. Bike all f*cked up. Scratched up. Mirror hanging.

Why can't he just listen to me? It took everything in me not to go off but I know he was already upset and embarrassed. Smdh. And now I'm gonna constantly have anxiety about him on this bike.
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My Dh wants one too.
A crotch rocket?
I'm like hell to the naw naw naw
 
We had fun last night. We went downtown, had dinner and went to the casino. I lost five dollars in approximately fifty seconds. I need to learn some table games and get away from the slots. We might do a trolley tour today.
 
I apologize for my hormonal post up there. I feel so up and down lately. It's over a damn dining table. I've been feeling so low lately about the thought of no kids of mine ever sitting at that table...this house...the baby room we created across from our room. I just randomly burst in tears. Then I hide it not wanting to make DH feel bad. Then that turns to resentment and anger and then I turn into Petty Wap. I gotta get a handle on my feelings. :cry3:
 
I really REALLY don't like my husband right now. :mad:

Just arrived to a trip to another state. we stop by to see his sister. I usually tell his arse to tell his family in advance if he/we are coming in to town, and also if he/we are/aren't staying with them. He usually brushes me off and acts as if it's unnecessary to provide any notification to his family beforehand. Acts as if I'm nagging.

When he has traveled alone here, he has stayed with her. I've posted before about his family treats me. So naturally, we booked a hotel. Last minute I find out that we are stopping by. Fine, I say. But we are not staying long. I'm tired, want to shower and relax. We get in, and as we go to leave, I find out (as does his sister) that he never told them we were going to stay in a hotel! After I told his ass to always let people know beforehand what is going to happen. I look at him and say, "you didn't tell her we weren't staying?!! :mad:" His ass just looking at me, then goes "no."

Now, I look like the bad guy, when she looks at me like "my brother always stays here. what is my house not good enough for you? I'll tell you right now, if you walk out this door, I'm gonna feel some type of way."

DH still says nothing. I say this was last minute and I didn't want to put them out. Now, I'm stuck here for the damn week, with wasted hotel reservations, in a house I sure as hell don't feel comfortable in, sleeping in their 4 yr old's room on an air mattress :mad:. It has been awkward this entire time, and I've only been here for 2 hrs. I don't fing understand this man!!!! I could literally strangle him! :mad:

I just had to vent here.
 
secretdiamond said:
I really REALLY don't like my husband right now. :mad:

Just arrived to a trip to another state. we stop by to see his sister. I usually tell his arse to tell his family in advance if he/we are coming in to town, and also if he/we are/aren't staying with them. He usually brushes me off and acts as if it's unnecessary to provide any notification to his family beforehand. Acts as if I'm nagging.

When he has traveled alone here, he has stayed with her. I've posted before about his family treats me. So naturally, we booked a hotel. Last minute I find out that we are stopping by. Fine, I say. But we are not staying long. I'm tired, want to shower and relax. We get in, and as we go to leave, I find out (as does his sister) that he never told them we were going to stay in a hotel! After I told his ass to always let people know beforehand what is going to happen. I look at him and say, "you didn't tell her we weren't staying?!! :mad:" His ass just looking at me, then goes "no."

Now, I look like the bad guy, when she looks at me like "my brother always stays here. what is my house not good enough for you? I'll tell you right now, if you walk out this door, I'm gonna feel some type of way."

DH still says nothing. I say this was last minute and I didn't want to put them out. Now, I'm stuck here for the damn week, with wasted hotel reservations, in a house I sure as hell don't feel comfortable in, sleeping in their 4 yr old's room on an air mattress :mad:. It has been awkward this entire time, and I've only been here for 2 hrs. I don't fing understand this man!!!! I could literally strangle him! :mad:

I just had to vent here.
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Lol I would have said sorry not sorry we're leaving. We kinda want to mix business with pleasure if you know what I mean and act as newlyweds. We'll gladly stay with u next time.

I hope it gets better!! Find some nice stores to hang out in!
 
If you just one time went to the hotel one time and left him there and forced him to have to go back and forth, back and forth, between you and them, for several days, I don't think he'd do that again. And be real sweet and nice about it. Oh I understand that you want your brother here and that you want to spend time with your sis. Thanks again for the offer sis-in-law but I told your brother to tell you in advance so this between you guys :). So he will pick me up here and there so that we can all visit. That trip would end up hella awkward but bet he'd give her a heads up moving forward. And I bet he wouldn't last one night without you. And I'd order lots of room service, watch lots of movies, go shopping, take bubble baths, go to the spa, and enjoy the big, comfy hotel bed:yep:.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Lol I would have said sorry not sorry we're leaving. We kinda want to mix business with pleasure if you know what I mean and act as newlyweds. We'll gladly stay with u next time.

I hope it gets better!! Find some nice stores to hang out in!
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that's the problem!! we're in the fing boonies!! ain't **** out here!!! And my DH is leaving during the days every day for business meetings and such. I booked a hotel in the city, so that while he is out, I can shop, eat, do my nails, RELAX. :mad:
 
hopeful said:
If you just one time went to the hotel one time and left him there and forced him to have to go back and forth, back and forth, between you and them, for several days, I don't think he'd do that again. And be real sweet and nice about it. Oh I understand that you want your brother here and that you want to spend time with your sis. Thanks again for the offer sis-in-law but I told your brother to tell you in advance so this between you guys :). So he will pick me up here and there so that we can all visit. That trip would end up hella awkward but bet he'd give her a heads up moving forward. And I bet he wouldn't last one night without you. And I'd order lots of room service, watch lots of movies, go shopping, take bubble baths, go to the spa, and enjoy the big, comfy hotel bed:yep:.
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I wish I could. She's already been giving me the evil eye, like "you better stay and you better like it." He has already gone to shower and headed to bed.
I am seething.
 
secretdiamond said:
that's the problem!! we're in the fing boonies!! ain't **** out here!!! And my DH is leaving during the days every day for business meetings and such. I booked a hotel in the city, so that while he is out, I can shop, eat, do my nails, RELAX. :mad:
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Girl if you don't take your cute booty to that hotel in the city. He'll have to figure out how to make it work. His problem, not yours. He and sister-in-law win. Not fair when you discussed ahead of time. And he ain't even stuck with them. No way:nono:.
 
LivingInPeace said:
I'm sorry to hear this! Is he going through some things? I hope he apologizes for hurting your feelings. That's not right.
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He was upset about a change to his health insurance that's gonna make his deductions go up. If something else is going on, I'm not aware. And he was aggravated because I guess he blames me for our landlady telling us we need to move out by February 15. I told her she was being inconsiderate ringing the doorbell multiple times and waking up our son. I said her forgetting her keys wasn't our problem and I wasn't going to keep opening the door for her (we live on the third floor). Then she said it wasn't going to be her problem anymore and we needed to be out by February. But that's not even what he yelled at me about the first time. It was over a damn curtain.
 
Miss617 said:
He was upset about a change to his health insurance that's gonna make his deductions go up. If something else is going on, I'm not aware. And he was aggravated because I guess he blames me for our landlady telling us we need to move out by February 15. I told her she was being inconsiderate ringing the doorbell multiple times and waking up our son. I said her forgetting her keys wasn't our problem and I wasn't going to keep opening the door for her (we live on the third floor). Then she said it wasn't going to be her problem anymore and we needed to be out by February. But that's not even what he yelled at me about the first time. It was over a damn curtain.
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Okay. He needs to learn how to communicate. If you all have to move, hopefully, this is the door openng to someplace better.
 
LivingInPeace said:
Okay. He needs to learn how to communicate. If you all have to move, hopefully, this is the door openng to someplace better.
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We have a place lined up, we just have to go see it and decide if we want it. But it's pretty much ours, and his coworker lives there, so we know it's legit. But the way things are now I don't really want to move anywhere with him TBH.
 
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