Married Ladies..Husbands and Secrets...Please Read and Respond

MrsSmitty77

MrsSmitty77

New Member
Updated..All is well..

**Thank you again ladies....all is well!!!***
** I am grateful for the responses**
_______________________________________________________
The other night while laying in bed I asked DH does he have secrets from me? He said no. However I know this is not true because of his Facebook. He usually does not leave it open, but he did one day and I looked in the messages. He has had conversations with his ex-wife's sister because apparently the exwife is in some sort of trouble and this former sister in-law is asking for his help. This was dated within the last week and he did not tell me about it. There were also communications between him and his son's exwife, I knew that had some words over her latest treatment his son and her not letting any family see the kids. However apparently she sent him a private Facebook message with some choice words for him and he did not tell me about this.

There are other things I did not found about through FB, but it's like why does he not confide in me? We have been together over 7 years, he does not confide in me. I thought he did until I started to uncover that he is not. I tell him pretty much everything. Even if it does not concern him, but I have to be involved in the situation, I let him know. Sometimes we would be around his family and they would start to discuss a family matter, the family would direct questions to me for advise because they assume I am aware of what's going on, but I usually have no idea what they are talking about, because he has not told me. He is on a business trip and I am about ready to sit him down when he get home this evening, but he is the type to get defensive really quick and next thing you know, I am no longer being heard.

Why does he not confide in me?
 
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I'm bumping this. Please only people with wise, positive words respond.

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I wouldn't mention anything about the Facebook messages to him. That's an invasion of privacy and will have the opposite effect you're trying to achieve. What if someone told him something in confidence but you read it. He would be breaking their confidence.

But I would say, hey DH I was thinking and my realization made me sad. I noticed that often the family will ask me a question but I don't know what's going on and it's hurtful because it's happened so many times. I'm out of the loop when I would like to be included. Then ask him to share more with you so that you will feel like a part of things.
 
Honestly it doesn't look like anything inappropriate is going on. Men are not like women, they do not want to talk things out, they are problem solvers. They like to let their brain work to solve the problem alone.

Now you snooping and finding out things is going to burn you up. When and if you ever bring it up to your husband he isn't going to trust you and whatever little bit of stuff he was sharing will stop.

Why are you snooping? You must think something inappropriate is going on. You have put yourself in between a rock and a hard place. What do plan on doing with your bit of information that really isn't anything?
 
I understand what you ladies are saying, although he expects it from me, so why shouldn't I expect the same from him. Believe me, I know he looks but there is nothing there because I do speak to him about almost everything, IF he did find something less than I even found he would go nuts. I expect 100% honesty because that is what I give. That is why I just called and told him what I found. The only thing private in a marriage is a purse and a wallet.
 
^^^ITA with Thickhair. He might not have thought it was a big deal or something you'd want to know about. I think it's good you are going to talk with him about it, but make sure you choose your words carefully so that he doesn't feel attacked.
 
I'm sorry this is happening OP. And I'm glad you were honest with him. I don't think it's that weird that you looked at his FB if it was up on the computer. People only KEEP doing that when they find something that concerns them.

DH is probably keeping some of this from you because he doesn't want to vex you or because he doesn't want to talk about the negativity of it.

Do you think he confides in you about most things?
 
SelahOco (sorry I do not know how to tag). Up until recently I honestly thought he confided in me about everything. My DH is my best friend and I was truly hurt to see that he was keeping something from me. I am a very open and honest person. My biggest flaw is that of my husband I don't ask questions and I probably should as more questions. I have spoken with him since my original post this morning and he fell silent. He said he would do better. I want to be his safe place, harbor your ship with me. I am a very resourceful person, people are always reaching out to me. I want my husband to do the same.
 
First, I would like to recommend that you exercise complete TRUST in your husband, which means if his computer, wallet, phone is left open for you look through, that you refrain and not go through his stuff.

I understand that you feel as though he should tell you everything as you do him, but men will not share or tell us everything. But that doesn't mean he is being sneaky or doing bad things.

Interesting enough, there is a chapter in Fascinating Woman that talks about reasons why a man will not confide in their wife. When a man feels respected and feels that his wife will accept him for who he is, then he will feel like he can open up to her and share his feelings and himself. This means he cannot feel like he is being rejected, his decisions are undermined or second guessed, or the information he doesn't share is not appreciated.

So if I were in your shoes, I was ask myself if I have ever did anything that resulted in my husband feeling rejected or accepted. On any level.

Maybe your husband didn't tell you because of how you may have responded to things in the past. It could also be that he felt like the issue wasn't really worth talking about (it could be stressing him out) or it could be that he doesn't want to be accused of anything, so he has decided to withhold his communication with his ex-family from you. Or maybe he feels like he cannot safeguard information with you (information that may be sensitive such as family issues, etc).

All of which can be changed around if you want your husband to feel comfortable confiding in you. Communication is a two way street and the person on the receiving end has a responsibility too. As a receiver of information from your husband you should be the ear and listen. Be slow to speak and offer unsolicited advise or recommendations until he asks you. You also should be willing to completely accept the information regardless of what your thoughts are about it and never judge or ridicule him. Focus more on the positive, rather than the negative and communicate such. Most of the time, when we do this first, if wants to know our thoughts about the "bad or negative" side, they will solicit such. They may say things like "so do you think there's anything wrong or bad with XYZ" or "give me both good and bad". Even as woman we want to know (and trust) that our husbands will accept and receive us when we share things first, before we are willing to share the bad and ugly. And when we feel we cannot trust they will receive us, then we will close ourselves off and refrain from sharing things (to protect ourselves). Same goes for men.

Now, how do you go from here? Well instead of arranging a Q&A session regarding the FB and family issues with your husband when he gets home (he's been on a business trip and probably isn't in the mindset to have such conversation), welcome him and ask/talk to him about his trip and how you missed him. You've been married for 7 years, so you know how to work this area. At this point, don't worry about what he isn't telling you. Instead focus on building a bridge so he can share and tell you things about what's going on with him. And be ready to listen, show love and support, and accept him and what he is sharing.

This may or may not apply to you, but it's worth thinking about.
 
Some people tend to hold things inside, and prefer to work through their problems alone. It doesn't mean they don't trust you or that they intend to hurt you by keeping things from you. It's just the way they are. Also, many of the things you found we negative, maybe he's just trying to shield you from it, men often would try to shield their loved ones from stress-- that's a good thing.

There's nothing to confront, nothing to sit him down for-- especially not after he's just returned from a business trip. Let the man rest please!

Just continue to be loving, make him aware that he can share anything with you, and actively listen when he does talk. One trick I learned is to be quiet when there's a pause in a conversation and I want more. The person speaking often feels the urge to fill the silence with more information, when they do I probe for more with OPEN ended questions (where a simple yes/no will not be appropriate). "Earlier you said you would do x rather than y, what benefits did you find out about x that made you decide to go with it rather than y?" Now you'll have to tell me more about x, more about y, and your reasons for choosing x over y.

Digging for information is an art, don't be pushy as there's no hurry. Create an environment that is conducive for sharing. Where I am from we have a rule: never discuss important issues with a man before he has eaten :giggle: So we feed him, get him comfy, start up a nice lil' massage and begin the inquisition. Get him comfy and he'll talk. Try it.
 
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Thank you for such an insightful response. One of the first things I am going to do is buy that book for my E-Reader and next I am going pray, then call my DH. Some of what you said it did sting a little. But thank you..stinging is good sometimes..

Seeking8Rights said:
Interesting enough, there is a chapter in Fascinating Woman that talks about reasons why a man will not confide in their wife. When a man feels respected and feels that his wife will accept him for who he is, then he will feel like he can open up to her and share his feelings and himself. This means he cannot feel like he is being rejected, his decisions are undermined or second guessed, or the information he doesn't share is not appreciated.
Click to expand...
 
MrsSmitty77 said:
Thank you for such an insightful response. One of the first things I am going to do is buy that book for my E-Reader and next I am going pray, then call my DH. Some of what you said it did sting a little. But thank you..stinging is good sometimes..
Click to expand...

I have the book (older and newer version) via email if you want it. :yep: Just send me your email addy and I'll email them both to you.
 
Seeking8Rights I will email you right now. Thank you... Also, I took notes on your post and called my husband. I apologized, for calling him on business and some other stuff you mentioned that I am guilty of, and to my surprise, he APOLOGIZED! He said that he never stopped to think about how ANY of his actions or decisions would affect me, he just act.
He also told me that he used to be a much, much colder person and he NEVER shared anything with anyone. He told me that the fact I do demand better has made him better and he will be better because he is not alone, I am in this walk with him. It ended with tears and I love you, from both us. Thank you so much!!! Oh what a little in sight and what the right words will do! Thank you everyone for your messages, I walk away a little bit better and I cannot wait to see my husband tonight.!
 
MrsSmitty77 said:
@Seeking8Rights I will email you right now. Thank you... Also, I took notes on your post and called my husband. I apologized, for calling him on business and some other stuff you mentioned that I am guilty of, and to my surprise, he APOLOGIZED! He said that he never stopped to think about how ANY of his actions or decisions would affect me, he just act.
He also told me that he used to be a much, much colder person and he NEVER shared anything with anyone. He told me that the fact I do demand better has made him better and he will be better because he is not alone, I am in this walk with him. It ended with tears and I love you, from both us. Thank you so much!!! Oh what a little in sight and what the right words will do! Thank you everyone for your messages, I walk away a little bit better and I cannot wait to see my husband tonight.!
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YAAAAAYYY!!!! I am happy for you! :clap:
It sounds like you two really love each other and you both are great for one another. :yep:
 
OP - sorry you are experiencing this issue. I know from experience that some men will not share 100% of their day with us although we share 110% with them. From what I have seen, it seems that men share things that they deem important whereas women share everything, important or not. Men and women have a different definition of important and that's where communication come in.
 
MrsSmitty77 said:
Seeking8Rights I will email you right now. Thank you... Also, I took notes on your post and called my husband. I apologized, for calling him on business and some other stuff you mentioned that I am guilty of, and to my surprise, he APOLOGIZED! He said that he never stopped to think about how ANY of his actions or decisions would affect me, he just act.
He also told me that he used to be a much, much colder person and he NEVER shared anything with anyone. He told me that the fact I do demand better has made him better and he will be better because he is not alone, I am in this walk with him. It ended with tears and I love you, from both us. Thank you so much!!! Oh what a little in sight and what the right words will do! Thank you everyone for your messages, I walk away a little bit better and I cannot wait to see my husband tonight.!
Click to expand...

I'm glad it all worked out and was going to say that this morning about his communication style.
 
Leigh thank you for the response. He is 9 years my senior and 21 year military (now retired) but oh so set in his ways. Used to being in charge of everything and everyone. I can honestly say he has gotten better with his communication as the years have past. His children who are young adults tells me all the time that "dad is much nicer now he would have never done that before".

I like to think we are better because of each other. I love him more than anything and one of the things he said today, is that me coming to him about this made him realize that he has been slipping and needs to do a better job in his actions to let me know that I am not only part of his world but I am his world. Sometimes I think God uses some things to bring attention to others.

We just finished a relocation from Saint Louis to Atlanta (been in Atlanta 3 weeks) and things have been quite stressful. So, that is possible the cause of some of my emotional stress. That is why I cannot wait for my stress reliever to get in this evening.:kiss2:
 
MrsSmitty77 , I am so happy for you. It sounds like you have a great guy and you both are committed to each others happiness. The part you wrote,"that he has been slipping and needs to do a better job in his actions to let me know that I am not only part of his world but I am his world." Brought a tear. Wow, those men really exist. You have given me another reason to believe and wait for mine. :yep:
 
Elnahna yes they do. My husband is a very good man. I am my happiest when he is close by. He retired from the military during our 2nd year of marriage (he was 39 then) because he said that the military sometimes changes a man's character and make him something he is not and he wanted to be the man he was before his mother died of cancer 15 years prior. At that time he was honestly a meanie, but such a kind heart and deep rooted in family values. So, I decided he was a keeper, but we had to work on that attitude.
 
So happy, I had the board to turn too. It is nice to get clear unbiased opinions and sometimes someone to tell you about yourself!

Thank you ladies.
 
MrsSmitty77

Thank you so much for sharing this with us - I read with interest all of the helpful responses (well done ladies, it was lovely to see the way everyone came together with well intended insightful advice) and am so pleased to hear that this worked out for you. The way this unfolded and the way in which you and your husband related to each other was truly beautiful.

I am not married (in fact I broke up with a wonderful guy 8 weeks ago and haven't been myself at all, although I've done a looot of thinking) however reading your tale has called me to attention on some of my communication faults, so I'm going to work on these. If and when I do find myself in the fortunate position to have a SO again, I want to know that I've got the skills to relate to him in a positive way, just like you have today. I realise now that I was lacking

Seeking8Rights I am about to send you my email by PM if you could send me a copy of the helpful book you mentioned (both the new and the old one), I'd really appreciate this.

Have a good night (or a good day!) everyone!
 
Great advice ladies!!! I just had a fight with my SO on a slighter different focus, but the advice here is very, very timely.

OP, I hope you're having fun making up tonight... *wink wink*
 
ebsalita honestly I truly do not mind sharing as long as it is not something damaging to my relationship. Besides sometimes going to family when you need advise on your relationship (not a good thing). During my situation yesterday, my heart greatly for the women on the board and I am a happy woman this morning. It is nice to belong to a community of women helping women. I am sorry about your relationship. God will send you another that is just right, (sometimes I think he lets us test a few).

NappyNelle, I also hope you are able to use this thread as I did. Last night didn't disappoint.:drunk: Have a great day!
 
MrsSmitty77 said:
ebsalita honestly I truly do not mind sharing as long as it is not something damaging to my relationship. Besides sometimes going to family when you need advise on your relationship (not a good thing). During my situation yesterday, my heart greatly for the women on the board and I am a happy woman this morning. It is nice to belong to a community of women helping women. I am sorry about your relationship. God will send you another that is just right, (sometimes I think he lets us test a few).

NappyNelle, I also hope you are able to use this thread as I did. Last night didn't disappoint.:drunk: Have a great day!
Click to expand...

ITA with the first bolded and the second bolded made me chuckle, too! Have a lovely weekend to all reading this and thank you Seeking8Rights. I'm just downloading the book now
 
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