Boyfriend issues... I NEED TO VENT

[mischka]

Yes she cares by extension of caring about her boyfriend, but what his family chooses to do is not affecting her life.

 

[ambergirl]

Thank you all for your comments.

He is constantly expressing how annoyed he is of his family and its really causing alot of emotional problems for him. His family depended on him and his sisters since he was legally able to work because they were in and out of jail and could barely take care of them.
Anyways.. I saw all of this because he really wants to get out of this babysitting relationship with his parents.
But I see exactly what you all are saying I need to figure it out or get the hell out.
His family really loves us being together and I consider them family but there just TOOOOOO much for me sometimes.

ANYWAYS...
Thanks for all the comments I just needed an outside look on the whole situation.

Situations like this CAN change, but you can not be the agent of that change.

I had friend who was used and abused by pretty much everyone in her familiy...parents, siblings, the siblings kids, you name it. After years of this she got fed up and set up real boundaries.

Nothing I or anyone else said led to that change. She needed to be fed up...and she was much older then your boyfriend when she finally reached her limit.

If you choose to remain in this relationship you have to go in with the understanding that this situation may never change and you have to accept that. If it does change that would just be icing on the cake. But you will not be the one to make that happen.

 

[frizzy]

**I only read the OP, so I may have missed some info...but:

Boyfriend needs to trim the cord by setting his own limits for what he will do and who he chooses to help out in his family. I can understand that he doesn't want to cut off his ill father or his mom, but those would be the only 2 I would help.

He needs to stand up and draw the line where he chooses so he can live his life. He could start with an expiration date on apartments he will have in his name and not renewing the lease. That will give them time to get their stuff together.

I've found that if a person can't get something in their name to start with, they can't afford to live in it or drive it either.

 

[Carrie A]

^^ But she stated it is affecting him and their two year relationship.

If mom lives with him now, she'll be living with them after the honeymoon. If he cosigns on a loan after a wedding, her credit will jacked up. If somebody needs to be bailed out of jail, it'll be coming out of their emergency fund. If their kids want to visit aunt, they may end up around some unsavory characters if their is still some hint of drug activity going on.

Now none of that is happening now of course, but the advice is based on the fact that most believe she is dating with the purpose of finding a lifelong mate. Despite the grim marriage stats ,most want to marry. So the question is after witnessing two years of this pattern, is it worth putting more years into the relationship or thinking about the next step engagement with him given the entire situation. When you marry a man you marry into his family.

 

[mischka]

I have to read this post again because I don't remember her mentioning anything about marrying, wanting to marry, or planning to marry this man.

 

[Carrie A]

I have to read this post again because I don't remember her mentioning anything about marrying, wanting to marry, or planning to marry this man.

She didn't, however I believe it's being inferred by most who gave advice.

Perhaps she should come clarify. This brings up a topic. Do people just date for years with no end in mind?

 

[tocktick]

She didn't, however I believe it's being inferred by most who gave advice.

Perhaps she should come clarify. This brings up a topic. Do people just date for years with no end in mind?

OP mentioned she may want to spend the rest of her life with him. That could just mean lifetime partnership for some but I think it's more commonly assumed "spend the rest of my life with him/her" = marriage. This could be why people have brought up marriage.

If she sees him as part of her life then I could see how his family situation is affecting her life in some way although it's not directly happening to her. Even though they're not married, I'm going to guess it's not quite as easy to detach from this as it would be a more casual boyfriend whose life probably feels a lot more separate.

 

[biancaantoinette]

We talk about marriage but that is not a huge concern..
Don't get me wrong if we were to have kids it would be planned and we both would be in a secure enviornment. And about the comment about me possibly not sending my kids to college buying a house car etc. I will not allow someone elses messed up family situation to keep me from living my desirable life and giving my future kids what they deserve whether I have to do it on my own or not..then so be it.
I don't mean that in a rude way I appreciate all replies!! But he knows that I REFUSE to live with his mom and dad by the time we decide to get married.. And his parents want that arrangment to be temporary as well.

I think I tend to worry about things that are not a huge deal.