He’s having a baby….
- Thread starter Kinkyhairlady
- Start date
luckiestdestiny
Well-Known Member
It seems to me like you aren't looking for advice, and already have your mind made up...
happyjourney
New Member
Yup, she's staying.
Nazarite27
New Member
Love yourself more!
Dude has already shown you what he's made of and IMO he is SO emotionally unstable! He and his fam are blaming you for HIS actions!?!?
Dude's behaviors are mentally and emotionally abusive. According to you, this has been going on since you were 25....haven't you had enough of the emotional roller coaster ride?
People only do to you what you allow them to do. We show people how to treat us and you have the power to stop this! Don't give your power away!
Free your yourself, free your mind!! You deserve and can have BETTER!!!
ETA: If you marry this dude, good luck! Don't say that your fam at LHCF didn't warn you.
Dude has already shown you what he's made of and IMO he is SO emotionally unstable! He and his fam are blaming you for HIS actions!?!?
Dude's behaviors are mentally and emotionally abusive. According to you, this has been going on since you were 25....haven't you had enough of the emotional roller coaster ride?
People only do to you what you allow them to do. We show people how to treat us and you have the power to stop this! Don't give your power away!
Free your yourself, free your mind!! You deserve and can have BETTER!!!
ETA: If you marry this dude, good luck! Don't say that your fam at LHCF didn't warn you.
Kinkyhairlady;11726334[B said:
Bunny77
New Member
Crazy attracts crazy...
Seriously, in more and more cases these days, I can't even bring myself to say that people "deserve better," when their actions are showing that perhaps, they don't. It's becoming such a cliche to say that... when a lot of times, I think to myself, "Oh do they REALLY?"
Water seeks its own level. Shrug.
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
Hi Ladies,
when I started this thread I was not looking for advice but I appreciate all the advice that was given. I am still somewhat in shock and have to try to get over this but he is not making it easy because he called me at least 8 times yesterday asking me for the answer. Finally I told him I really need time to think and I want to wait until the baby is here. I have to meet the child and the mother and to see if I am going to be able to deal with them for the rest of my life. He got upset and wants an answer now but I told him if he is going to get mad over that then he needs to just leave me alone. I guess he thinks I will not talk to him again so he said ok that he will give me some time and that he loves me and will do whatever it takes to make it work.
The more I think about it the more I don't think I will go there cause I always told myself I did not want a guy with kids, though he was a guy with no kids I acted slowly so whether I screwed up or not it is what it is. As of right now I really don't know what I will do, I will just let things play out but I won't rush anything. if it is meant to be it will be. I will keep you ladies posted. Thanks
when I started this thread I was not looking for advice but I appreciate all the advice that was given. I am still somewhat in shock and have to try to get over this but he is not making it easy because he called me at least 8 times yesterday asking me for the answer. Finally I told him I really need time to think and I want to wait until the baby is here. I have to meet the child and the mother and to see if I am going to be able to deal with them for the rest of my life. He got upset and wants an answer now but I told him if he is going to get mad over that then he needs to just leave me alone. I guess he thinks I will not talk to him again so he said ok that he will give me some time and that he loves me and will do whatever it takes to make it work.
The more I think about it the more I don't think I will go there cause I always told myself I did not want a guy with kids, though he was a guy with no kids I acted slowly so whether I screwed up or not it is what it is. As of right now I really don't know what I will do, I will just let things play out but I won't rush anything. if it is meant to be it will be. I will keep you ladies posted. Thanks
NaturalEnigma
Well-Known Member
If you marry him the problems are only going to get worse. Don't waste any more time with this man. Just because you haven't been in any serious relationships doesn't mean you should succumb to this disastrous one. Blaming all his problems on you, is not good for your self-esteem. He's bring you down, and in reality it should be the other way around because he's the one who messed up. He had you waiting for 5 years and had the audacity to get someone else pregnant. He's not the only man in the world, believe it or not there are other fish in the sea and DON'T feel sorry for him, he's a lost cause, trust and believe after all this is over he'll find some other woman to place the blame on. You're still young I'm sure you'll find someone who will make you happy.
mEmYSELFaNDj
Well-Known Member
It is not your fault he knocked somebody up. they are just looking for somebody to blame. Girl dont even bother with him.
ThatJerseyGirl
Well-Known Member
*scratches weave & pulls out anotha newport*
huh? dayum...he mind phuckin da hell outta you chile...dat mus be some good shyt....
but'r uh...anywho....ummm yeah chile, keep us posted. this was one helluva rolla coasta ride chile....
well, go head n take one for da team cuz i gotchu marryin him. BUT BEFORE U SAY I DO memba dis....
if u marry him, dat means u'll be a step mommy..... and guess what? da baby will have two mommies. and guess what? da baby momma gonna take him and u for child support. and guess what? you'll be back on dis board startin anotha thread ....da baby momma ain't goin down easy cuz ain't no tellin what he done told her.
men gotta be careful cuz u can't be playin wif da emotions of other people...gettin women pregnant, tryna marry anotha, tellin da family dis n dat, callin all da dayum time, got it where u can't even concentrate....shyt like dat will getchu eligible for a burial.
well, put ur seatbelt on and enjoy da ride shuga....
Mai Tai
Miss Nigeria-America
Ok OP...sigh...i'm going to say this in the nicest most respectful way possible because 1. this is the same advice I would give my BFF is she was in the same situation, and 2. I truly want to see some type of redeeming factor in this story but...
What the FCUK is wrong with you?!
I usually like to offer constructive advice, but the fact that you are still unsure about what to do gives me great insight on what type dysfunction that is going on here. I can't even blame old dude. You are coming across as weak minded, desperate, stupid, and emotionally loose.
I mean have some dignity!
I swear...some of these stories cannot be real. This cannot be life! This is some mess straight off an episode of Maury! Damn...baby not even here yet, and you still think this man is marriage material...Ohhhh you about to have me cussing up in here...I truly need to log off.
What the FCUK is wrong with you?!
I usually like to offer constructive advice, but the fact that you are still unsure about what to do gives me great insight on what type dysfunction that is going on here. I can't even blame old dude. You are coming across as weak minded, desperate, stupid, and emotionally loose.
I mean have some dignity!
I swear...some of these stories cannot be real. This cannot be life! This is some mess straight off an episode of Maury! Damn...baby not even here yet, and you still think this man is marriage material...Ohhhh you about to have me cussing up in here...I truly need to log off.
Renewed1
Well-Known Member
Girl, that right there!!!!
SAY GOODBYE:
To your money
your purses
YOUR HAIR
Girl that woman and child is going to suck you DRY.
tHENATuRALhAiRpRoJEcT
Well-Known Member
how old is the guy? kinda sounds like we're heartbroken over the same guy... same scenario
preciouslove0x
Well-Known Member
As rude as this may seem OP.... everyone who read this thread is thinking the same thing. *DING DING DING* Is there really no red light going off???? Please. YOU. CAN. DO. BETTER! Please!! PLEASE!!! Get out. Find some hobbies. Someone who is RIGHT for you WILL. COME. BY!
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
Ok just came back to this thread and I am surprise that some of you are so harsh. Trust me I know this is a crazy situation and I am thinking long and hard about what I want to do.
The baby mama is not really my concern because the way he and his family have put it, is that he just wants a child and I knew this for a while I just never thought he would go ahead and do it. Over the years I have dated others and never asked him to not date around but I did not think he would knock someone else up just to get the child. I was not ready for kids or marriage and therefore I was dragging my feet. This guy is not the player type at all and I have known him for years which is why I may have taken advantage of that. Thinking he would be around when I made up my mind to marry him.
He will smother you if he is with you and that would get annoying. I have no fear what so ever that he would step out on our marriage, that is not in his character. He was not in a commited relationship with me and could do as he pleased I was just hurt because I love him and this came as a shock.
At the end of the day it is what is it and I can either move on or marry him and accept the child. The babymama may have an issue if she hears him getting married but that is his responsibility to talk to her. They were just sleeping with eachother not boyfriend and girlfriend so I am sure she will be fine. Like I said I am constantly at family gathering and not once has he ever brought this women around, but I knew he is a man if I am not giving him any he was getting it somewhere else and I am ok with that because he was not my man either. Now as his wife it will be a different story, but I think he will be a good husband to me because of who he is and what he has done over the years although I made him suffer.
The baby mama is not really my concern because the way he and his family have put it, is that he just wants a child and I knew this for a while I just never thought he would go ahead and do it. Over the years I have dated others and never asked him to not date around but I did not think he would knock someone else up just to get the child. I was not ready for kids or marriage and therefore I was dragging my feet. This guy is not the player type at all and I have known him for years which is why I may have taken advantage of that. Thinking he would be around when I made up my mind to marry him.
He will smother you if he is with you and that would get annoying. I have no fear what so ever that he would step out on our marriage, that is not in his character. He was not in a commited relationship with me and could do as he pleased I was just hurt because I love him and this came as a shock.
At the end of the day it is what is it and I can either move on or marry him and accept the child. The babymama may have an issue if she hears him getting married but that is his responsibility to talk to her. They were just sleeping with eachother not boyfriend and girlfriend so I am sure she will be fine. Like I said I am constantly at family gathering and not once has he ever brought this women around, but I knew he is a man if I am not giving him any he was getting it somewhere else and I am ok with that because he was not my man either. Now as his wife it will be a different story, but I think he will be a good husband to me because of who he is and what he has done over the years although I made him suffer.
Whimsy
Well-Known Member
WTF??
This dude sounds unstable.
Don't get sucked into his crazy.
It may be painful for now, but stay away and avoid a possible lifetime of pain.
Do you really want to start a MARRIAGE with this kind of drama and negative energy?
I'm sure you want more for yourself and know you deserve more than this.
I must say, if this dude was the quality man you say he is, he wouldn't go knock up some random chick for child's sake.
This dude sounds unstable.
Don't get sucked into his crazy.
It may be painful for now, but stay away and avoid a possible lifetime of pain.
Do you really want to start a MARRIAGE with this kind of drama and negative energy?
I'm sure you want more for yourself and know you deserve more than this.
I must say, if this dude was the quality man you say he is, he wouldn't go knock up some random chick for child's sake.
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Lynnerie
Well-Known Member
Wooo chile...
It seems like you have already made your decision. You know this man better than we do so whatever you choose I hope you can cope with it. But remember this- he is who he is. His behavior has nothing to do with you thats just the type of boy he is. In my opinion...he has made his decision of what he wanted by impregnating another woman. End of story. Best wishes.
Flavia
Member
carcajada
Well-Known Member
Op, you said people were being harsh, but....you're sounding some kinda way right now.
You want to be with a guy who blames you for his mistakes, picks any old girl he's not in a relationship to have a baby with, and is now doing a shot gun proposal to you over the mother of his child? Wow. Um...yeah. That is why posters are responding the way they are. What happens when he wants to do something else you don't want to do? Will that be your fault too? This story sounds really crazy. Best of luck to you.
And I agree with the other poster, no need to update the board about this guy.
Honey Bee
Well-Known Member
I'm not even getting into the rightness or wrongness of marrying him, cuz it appears as though the OP is seriously considering going through with it.
My question is, OP, have you fully thought through the significance of him having a child with another woman? I mean, the money, the time, the attention that he will need to expend on these other people. I include the mother because it is impossible for a man to have a good relationship with his child while simultaneously having no contact with the mother. That's a given. So, really, the only question now is, are you prepared for all that extra?
My question is, OP, have you fully thought through the significance of him having a child with another woman? I mean, the money, the time, the attention that he will need to expend on these other people. I include the mother because it is impossible for a man to have a good relationship with his child while simultaneously having no contact with the mother. That's a given. So, really, the only question now is, are you prepared for all that extra?
zzirvingj
New Member
OP, I think some people are just really emotional and don't wanna see you hurt actually...they're coming from a "tough love" perspective, I think.
Why wouldn't the mother of your potential stepchild be a concern to you, particularly if you haven't met her and don't know much of anything about her?
So you're saying he did something this major that you never could've seen him doing? Why couldn't you see him doing this when he already told you he would do so? And told you he would blame you that he had to do it? If you really and truly could not see him doing such a thing, what else can you imagine would happen in the future that he might do that you really and truly could not foresee him doing?
Do you believe that things happen for a reason? Although I do not know you, from your posts I strongly sense that this turning point in your life with your relationship with this person is a very crucial moment in your life right now that you will look back on at some point(s) in the future. And when that point happens, you will either be wondering why you did what you did or you will be happy about the decision you made regarding this person.
Just because a person is not a player type does not mean they are marriage material. I'm sure you may have other reasons as to what makes him marriage material. The statement "may have taken advantage of that" says to me that you are blaming yourself for something or some things, perhaps even this situation. Which is exactly what he wanted you to do. That is a result of either his mind control over you, or your vulnerability at the moment, perhaps a combination of both. The statement about "thinking he would be around when I made up my mind to marry him" leaves me with this thought:
What were you waiting for? For the moment when you realized you really DID want to marry him? Because from what you've wrote I didn't think you wanted to marry this guy. The negativity issue is a very serious issue. I know he makes it seem as though he would be happy "if only he could have you"..and I hate to be cliche, but trust me, misery loves company. He needs to understand that to be happy with you he needs to be happy with himself. Do you not foresee that any baby/baby mama issues that arise in the future are also going to be blamed on you? Since you were the reason this all happened anyway?
And you should be hurt. And shocked. And confused. And angry. And sad. All of these emotions are normal.
BillsBackerz67
Well-Known Member
So going by what you said he just got any old broad pregnant and didnt care who she was just to spite you? 
erplexed Why would you want to be with someone like that?
Man where are my bbm smileys when i need them?
erplexed Why would you want to be with someone like that?Man where are my bbm smileys when i need them?
Kinkyhairlady
Well-Known Member
Thank you for taking the time to write this post for some reason I read it and I see what i am saying does sound crazy. Not that the other post were not insightful but this one just made something click.
It is funny you stated Misery loves company because I always thought that about him. He would complain and cry to me and say he needs me in his life but something held me back. Though my feelings grew for him I needed him to be a bit more strong and stop crying like a girl all the time. I said to him he must love himself first before entering into a relationship but he always focused on me and why I would not be with him.
Maybe this all happened for a reason because I did not see it coming. I have been through worse and I know I will be fine. I will call him tonight and wish him the best and let this go. If it is meant to be down the road then it will be. I still have love for him but right now there is too much chaos in his life so I rather do what I was doing before and take care of myself.
For those that say I am desperate, that is incorrect, if I was desperate I would of been with him just to have a man. I have been single for 5 years and I am ok with that because I am waiting for the right one. I am learning now that no one is perfect and one of the reasons why I did not get with him prior was because I felt he did not measure up to my ex. That is the mistake I make with alot of the men I date always comparing. I am learning the hard way but I am not stressing. I am blessed in so many other ways so this is something I will not let take over. He could of been the perfect guy in life and still screwed up we all screw up sometimes. Bottom line is I will not rush into anything right now because I am uncertain, so once the storm is over I will have more clarity and see which path I will go down.
zzirvingj
New Member
You are correct-move on without him or marry him. That's a really big decision either way. Give it alot of time because if you marry him you are changing your life from this point forward. And just keep in mind that many times our personal life changing decisions don't just impact ourselves individually-they impact others around us as well.
They were "just sleeping together"....yes. And now they are having a baby together. Whether he meant for this to happen or not, who knows. If he really and truly did plot and plan and scheme to get another woman pregnant to try to get you to marry him he is not mentally stable as others have mentioned. Who does that?
I am not understanding what you did to make him suffer. Could you please clarify? Are you referring to the part about not wanting to marry him?
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1. Please take the time to let yourself feel through your emotions and deal with them rather than react to them immediately. The time will allow for (hopefully) a rational decision in the future, rather than one based on emotions.
2. Once you've done number 1, please don't let the fear of missing out a husband and children be your rationale for marrying this person. Do not downplay the reality of this fear. It will have you saying you married him because he is a good guy, which may be true "to an extent", but may not be the actual reason.
3. Is your mom in your life? What does she think about this situation? What does your family think? Your friends? We can offer advice/insight but I'm interested to know what the people who know you and know him think.
I wish you the best, OP, I really do. And I wanted to end with saying this: trust your intuition. I often think God speaks to me through it. I have a friend who's been in my life for over 10 years now who still proclaims his love for me and that he would never be happy without me. He is also a complainer and always down about life. And I know he would make a "good boyfriend" and probably a "good husband" from the perspective that he would likely be very loyal and treat me with respect and admiration, and do whatever it takes to provide for the household.
HOWEVER, I decided that I could never enter into a relationship with this person. I cannot "make" him happy. Me entering into a relationship with him would be like taking Xanax for anxiety; curing the symptom and not the problem. The problem will always be there. And I don't want to go through life with a person that does not know how to find happiness within oneself because there will be times I need to draw upon their joy to build myself up. And there will be a point when I want children and don't want to raise them in a negative environment because I was raised that way and I know the impact it can have.
Ok, this may officially be the most I've ever written on a topic in LHCF but for some reason your story brought alot out of me today. Again, I hope you take out some time to yourself...and definitely pray. Good luck.
BillsBackerz67
Well-Known Member
I know you're overwhelmed but seriously if someone else posted this thread would you really be telling her that shes doing the right thing by marrying him and giving him another chance right now?
I've got one question for you: The thought of him in your life, does that make you MORE or LESS confident about you and your own future?!
If the answer is more - marry him.
If the answer is less - its time to let him go.
The thought of a husband should build you up, should make you smile, should bring you strength and confidence.
Sweetheart, get in the drivers seat. This is YOUR life.
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zzirvingj
New Member
You're welcome. And you don't have to thank me...because everything happens for a reason, remember? Even you reading this post today.
^What do you think was holding you back? That little voice inside you that said something was wrong is real. Do not ignore it. You listened to it for five years.
There is no doubt about that.
That sounds like a good plan.
^Good.
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