Man or Children?

[Shinka]

So....how to best put this:

I love a man who is willing to marry me, but already has three children. One from a previous marriage, two were women who did him dirty.
After the third he got a vasectomy because he didn't want to have that one ( she said she was on birth control, then confessed later to trapping him)

So he has extreme baggage around children, child support system ( which he pays), and how some women use children as a ploy. He handle his responsibilities, and one even lives with him.However, He never wanted to put himself in that situation again, hence the "snip snip". In these cases, I actually side with him regarding the baby momma issues, usually I side with the woman. I heard these woman admit to what they did out of their selfishness ( but it takes two, I told him he should had wrapped it up). sad.

Anyway, he put it all on the table when we started dating a year ago about his kids and his snip snip situation. I simply asked, are you willing to try and have more. He responded "yes for my wife if I trusted her enough, I would take my vein out my neck to give her children".

Now..I didn't assume I would ever be that, but it was nice to know he was willing for his spouse.


Fast forward about 1.5 years..to today and we are talking about living together and marriage again. I simply said "just know I don't want to live with my boyfriend. I'm interested in marriage and trying to have children. This doesn't have to happen next year, but I want for us to plan for it and for you to know that's what I want"

Which he responds "that would be 4 children by 4 different women, I'm not feeling that plus I told you I didn't want anymore". "Plus you said, Shinka, that you would be consent with not having children, and enjoy the love of a husband"

Mind you..minutes before ( we talked about the octuplet lady) he talks about how he wouldn't mind having a girl, and if he hit the lotto he would pay to have more children.

I did say the latter, but all this time I have said I would like to try, if the medical alternatives to "snip snip" didn't work, then I would just accept it and move one with our marriage (because I would need to be married before I consider having children with any man). He seem to ignore the "try" part for the last 1.5 years.


So now we are this breaking point: I love him, but I would like to try to have kids. We have resolved all other "breaking issues". But I don't know what to do about this: Do I chose the man or the chance to try for a child?

Background: I had 2nd trimester miscarriages due to an incompetent cervix, so there is not guarantee that I can have a child to term.

I'm just so torn, sorry for the long post. We have worked so hard on this relationship, and we both misunderstood each some how regarding the child issue. I was so depressed I didn't go to work today. He sad because he loves me and feels that this was going to happen that I would want a baby and leave him ( which is not the case, I just want to try).

Any advice, what would you do?

 

[Divine Inspiration]

I would not marry this man.

In general, I would have an issue with all of those kids and three women.

Beyond that, if you want kids, do not marry a man who does not want kids with you. I know that sounds oversimplified, but he's made it clear what he's willing to do, and sometimes, we hope that men will change their minds later, but as you can see, he didn't.

I guess you do have to decide whether being married to him means more to you than ever conceiving. I really think my desire to have children would only be intensified by being with a man who I thought would make a great parent - however, he sounds almost resentful of the burden of parenthood so perhaps that wouldn't be the case for you.

Besides all of that, his issues are HIS...and for him to insinuate that you are trying to "trap" him is not okay, IMO. It screams lack of trust and fear - neither of which belong in a solid marriage. He needs to sort that out and not bring that into a marriage because if for whatever reason you did end up pregnant, you need to know that he will not demote you from wife to baby momma because of his "baggage".

Be sure to take care of YOU because it is not yet his responsibility to do so.

 

[FlowerHair]

There has been a misunderstanding between you guys for 1,5 years and now you both put your cards on the table. It's up to you now to decide if you want to remain childless or not. For some having a child or not is a deal breaker, for others...well a child is not important to everyone.

If I were in your shoes, I would explain how important this is to me a few more times and also decide if I wanted a child or not. No, there are no guarantees in this life, but if you feel like you want to try for a baby, that's your right. It's a difficult decision...

 

[hopeful]

I'm really sorry. I really don't know what to tell you. Trust your heart. Only you know if you can live without having children or not. Only you know if you'd want to live without him or not.

 

[Transformer]

I think he has been clear...but you view him with frosting. He's responsible in that he doesn't think he can economically afford another child.

Besides the stepmother/stepchild and previous ex's issues, please look to see what makes this man so special that you can give up your desire to have children. Sometimes we have to cut our loses instead of trying to MAKE IT WORK!

 

[Shinka]

Thank you ladies for the very direct replies. You all have brought up many good points which reflected many of my inner thoughts. It's just that when you spend so long on a relationship, it hurts when in a blink of eye you have to call it quits.

ETA: I'm not hoping he changes. I have 4 brothers and know to expect that from men.

 

[Zaynab]

I would break up with him.

Men usually tell us what they want and we ignore or "hope" that they will change. Men aren't oil changes, they don't typically change.

I'm sorry because you invested 1.5 years of your life into this. I think this is where judgement comes in. You probably have hung on to some "hope" like the examples you gave of him "maybe" wanting children.

I know some people who have married someone who said they "might" want children and are still sitting around without any I wouldn't risk it. If a man told me, he didn't want anymore children---that would be a dealbreaker, no matter how great everything else was.

Sorry OP and good luck. I know this is hurtful because you invested time into the relationship but this is where using your judgement NOW comes in--so you won't hurt for it later.

 

[ThickHair]

Girl I wish I could find a man who has had a vasectomy, since I do not want kids. My brother got one after him and his wife had 1 child. I can't marry my brother though.

On to the topic, you two really never had a final agreement on the child situation. Get it settled now and in writing if you need, but you need to make the decision on YOU are going to do. You want kids, so find a man who wants kids, plan and simple.

 

[prettypuff1]

I would break up with him.. You have made it clear what you want and he has as well. Now you need to care for what you want and go out and get it. If you want kids go find a wonderful man to have children with... You deserve it.


You don't have to choose , you can have both!!!

 

[Son26]

I would leave him. I want kids someday, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to have them with me. I feel that not having kids is something I may regret.

 

[Farida]

I would break up with him for more reasons than that.

I just say, you want kids, that feeling will only get stronger. Find a man who shares it. Life's too short.

 

[Denise11]

Girl, get you a man who wants children. You will regret it if you marry him and he never try to give you a child. This man is not the only good man in the world. We tend to get stuck thinking this. You have to weigh your options. Will you be okay NEVER having a child?

Think about it long and hard (no pun intended) before you decide.

 

[Shinka]

Arrgh, this is so frustrating. This whole process of dating and relationships. I guess I'm shy and introverted, and I don't fall in love easily. So I'm just dreading starting this process all over again....


Thank you ladies for the reality check.

 

[hopeful]

Arrgh, this is so frustrating. This whole process of dating and relationships. I guess I'm shy and introverted, and I don't fall in love easily. So I'm just dreading starting this process all over again....


Thank you ladies for the reality check.

Shy, introverted people get stuck very easily. Work on both and your world will get bigger and so will your options and possibilities. Are you still in your 20's? If so you've still got a lot of good time on your side, don't squander it.