Love or Children

[hopeful]

I don't think she can, thus this thread.

I do think she can. I think she's frustrated because she wants her way. As you stated earlier we women can be very "me, me, me" and also like you said it's not always about us. As much as she wants a second child, I think she may want a loving marriage more. She has had the experience of motherhood, but not the experience of being married to a good man. I sense that she craves his companionship. If he's as good a man as she says, she will be able to consider herself very blessed: to have had a child and a loving husband. Many women get neither. No one gets it all, everything they dream of. I think she is just coming to terms with that.

She may have to let go of one dream in order to have the other. Of course she can let him go in hopes of finding a true love who wants children. But it's a gamble. It would be great if the options were him or another great guy. But the options are him, another great guy, a not so great guy, or no one. I
think this situation would make a great Lifetime movie.

ETA: Also, I'm not saying she should settle or has to, just that I think she may want him more than the second child, especially since she is already a
mother. But I could be wrong...I hope she keeps us updated.

 

[prtybrwnis]

I do think she can. I think she's frustrated because she wants her way. As you stated earlier we women can be very "me, me, me" and also like you said it's not always about us. As much as she wants a second child, I think she may want a loving marriage more. She has had the experience of motherhood, but not the experience of being married to a good man. I sense that she craves his companionship. If he's as good a man as she says, she will be able to consider herself very blessed: to have had a child and a loving husband. Many women get neither. No one gets it all, everything they dream of. I think she is just coming to terms with that.

She may have to let go of one dream in order to have the other. Of course she can let him go in hopes of finding a true love who wants children. But it's a gamble. It would be great if the options were him or another great guy. But the options are him, another great guy, a not so great guy, or no one. I
think this situation would make a great Lifetime movie.

ETA: Also, I'm not saying she should settle or has to, just that I think she may want him more than the second child, especially since she is already a
mother. But I could be wrong...I hope she keeps us updated.

You spoke what I feel completely. I love him dearly and that surpasses my desire for a child. I just didn't know if what I felt was abnormal, so I used you ladies as a sounding board and for feedback. I admit that I can be selfish and that is something that I am working on. I am an only child and grew up getting my way with family, friends, and love. My SO and I discuss this frequently and he has given me advice on combating this since he is a Counselor by profession.

This is my birthday weekend, so we will be going to a play and having a getaway at a local resort. I plan to resolve the issue and finish discussing it while we chill. I don't want this looming over his head. He has been quite worried, but it was just a matter of me letting him know how I feel versus keeping secrets.

Like you said Hopeful, I have experienced motherhood. It has been wonderful and I love my son with everything I have but I have not had marriage or a great relationship. This is my chance to have it. Thanks ladies for everything. I really appreciate everyone's feedback!

 

[prtybrwnis]

He told you that he didn't want children from jump and you continued with hopes of changing his mind? Not good. I say cut your losses and move on. If by chance you do have a kid, I think there will be some resentment.

There is more to marriage than love. I married the first time for love, I will never do that again. Yes, I will love the guy that I marry, but there are going to be a few things ahead of that. Just real talk.

Yes, I did think that he would change his mind and he did at one point. I know that was foolish of me, but he did express that he wanted to give me another child at one point. Ultimately, I saw as the challenges came with raising his current children he has opted for his initial decision. I respect that.

I have followed threads on board about marrying for love or finances, but I think I will go with love. I have had prospects with money and it doesn't compare to my comfort level, love, and overall being with my current SO. My SO is comfy in the finance department, so as long we live within our means then we should be good!

 

[hopeful]

Have a wonderful weekend! Goodness, I'm sure he will be relieved. I think what you are feeling is very normal. Being upfront and honest about your feelings is very important. I wish you loads of happiness.

 

[prtybrwnis]

you need to value and respect what that man told you and move on. i am trying to figure out what made you think you could change his mind? he is still raising three and he told you he didn't want kids from different women. i would be pissed if i told someone i didn't want more and they thought they could just pressure me into starting parenthood all over again. i don't care how old he is. he wants to move on with his life and not change diapers. kids take up a lot of your money, time, and emotional state. you need to let that go and find someone that wants to have children. let that man be.

I respect what he told me, but there is always the chance of a change of heart. I guess deep down I banked on that. Like I said to the above poster. He did change his mind at one point. I admire him for his position and honored. I think the feeling arose again for me after being around several friends and family members with babies lately. I am human and that made me feel like wanting another again.

I hear what you are saying though. After reading the comments here and being in deep thought....I will stay with him and forgo having another child. I am thinking that I can babysit or become a big sister through the Big Sister Organization. It will help me and the child I am making an impact on.

 

[prtybrwnis]

Agreed. I can't believe folks are in this thread KNOCKING A MAN for NOT WANTING TO HAVE MORE CHILDREN.

She wants more kids. Cool. Good for her.
He doesn't want more kids. Cool. Good for him.

If you haven't already, you need to have a serious conversation about how his desire NOT to want to have more children is affecting your relationship - "because of this impasse, I'm considering leaving you" (not just comments in passing, or right before going to bed).

And if its that important to you, move on. But ya'll need to quit knocking a man for not wanting to have MORE children.

Never have I said that if I don't get my way then I am leaving. I don't work that way. We have an agreement to not hold back and to bring our feelings to the forefront. This is new to me, because I have always been one to hold everything in. So, we have discussed this in the past and it has only come up again lately because of the reasons I stated in my previous response above.

It was better for me to discuss it then not. I had already told him before that I could go without another child, but that "mother" feeling came back again. So, I just wanted to reach out and see if anyone else has been in my situation or had some words of wisdom. You are right in what you said though. It is rare that a man limits himself in having a bunch of children, so that is a blessing that he is mature about it.

 

[prtybrwnis]

I honestly don't think a serious conversation is in order since he told her from jump. The conversation would only be, "Why can't he see things my way" type of conversation.

I can not fathom why folks don't listen to what people are saying. I don't think he can be any more clear than he has been.

I feel bad for guys in this situation especially if they do not control themselves because in situations like this a lot of woman do end up expecting and blurt out something to the effect of, "Well he knew we weren't protected and he did it any way". Mmmm maybe since birth had been controlled for the longest and the women knew, why would anything change?

You're right. Alot of women would do that. Fortunate enough...I won't. He knows that. If we were to ever have a child then it would be agreed upon between us both. It would be planned! I am on birth control and have been since I had my son who is now 17. So, there will not be any children coming unless I plan it!

 

[ppp422]

Wonderful thread! I LHCF!

 

[prtybrwnis]

I'm 100% with you. I'm just saying if its that important to her, where she's considering leaving him, she should communicate that to him. If she can post it on LHCF, she can have the conversation with him.

But yea...I'm with you. We knock men for not taking care of their kids. And then folks want to knock a man, with children, who is actively taking care of his child, because he doesn't want more children? Selfish, IMO.

Conversation done! I would not have posted that here without talking to him. Conversing is not a problem for us. I only wanted to get feedback from women who could give me some words of wisdom. I don't knock him for not wanting more children. I only provided the facts of the situation. I wanted to be honest and provide his reasons for not wanting more. That does not diminish how I feel about him.

 

[prtybrwnis]

Wonderful thread! I LHCF!

Isn't it? There are so many women with tons of knowledge to share. I don't have sisters and my mom is deceased, so it is good to get perspectives from others here. I really appreciate it. If anyone else has any more food for thought then please share with me.

Thanks!

 

[ladysaraii]

I respect what he told me, but there is always the chance of a change of heart. I guess deep down I banked on that. Like I said to the above poster. He did change his mind at one point. I admire him for his position and honored. I think the feeling arose again for me after being around several friends and family members with babies lately. I am human and that made me feel like wanting another again.

I hear what you are saying though. After reading the comments here and being in deep thought....I will stay with him and forgo having another child. I am thinking that I can babysit or become a big sister through the Big Sister Organization. It will help me and the child I am making an impact on.

I think that's great. And one day maybe you will have grandchildren that you two will have the experience of "raising" together

 

[Shimmie]

This issue is wrecking my brain. I was initially hesitant to post here, but I do read some good feedback at times so here it goes....

I have been in a relationship for 19 months with an old friend from high school. We were strictly friends in high school and I had no clue that he was interested in me. He was rather shy and we only talked on the phone. Fast forward almost 20 years and we run into each other. We went from a lunch date to almost 2 years of bliss. Who knew that the man of my dreams was right before my eyes? I have really grown in this relationship and am happy on all levels. Also, I don't tuck my tail and run at the first sign of trouble like before. I am open to discussion and working it out.

I am a single parent of a 17 year old and he is a divorced dad of three (14, 12, and 10 years old). He told me up front when we started dating that he did not want anymore children. He said that he made a promise to himself that he would have children with only one woman in his life, because he didn't want kids by various women. Of course, I took it as a grain of salt and thought I could change his mind. I always wanted another child, but not until I got married one day. Well, I found my love and we have planned to marry but he won't bend on having more children. He has physical custody of his kids and he says he doesn't want to go through child rearing again at our age.

I decided months ago to forgo my dream of having another child, so things can exist as is between us. Lately, I have had a strong maternal instinct. I was 18 when I had my son and I did a damn good job! Now that I am older and wiser, I know that I can do much better. I want the whole pregnancy and family experience with my husband. I shared this with my SO and he reiterated that at this time he does not want any children, but says he does not want to hold me back if I do. He says there is someone out there can probably give me all that I desire and he doesn't want me having regret or holding the child issue over his head one day.

I know he is not the only man in the world, but I am not getting any younger! Also, we have a chemistry that is unbelievable and I feel as though he is the love of my life. That is hard to find. I do relish that my son is older and I am able to travel and do more, but that doesn't take away from me wanting to hold, nurture, care, and provide the best love I can by having another child.

Have any of you been in this predicament? I have had a hard road with men in my past, so being able to exhale and be happy is a great feeling!

Whenever I've fallen in love, I always dream of having a baby....and my two children are full grown and married. For some reason, falling in love, triggers my maternal being.

I think it's just in most of us as women, that our maternal being just wants to have and nurture babies and falling in love makes a woman feel secure to have a child. Who can resist a precious little baby? They have a way of just stealing your heart and as Black women, we love our babies. We just do.

But in this life with a man and woman in love, Love is both ways... In a relationship for the 'two' to become 'one', they will always have something that they have to make compromises about.

Understand this, Men are not maternal. It's easier for woman to desire to have a baby than it is for a man. Especially when a man has his quiver full and is doing all that he is able to do to take good care of those that he has without adding more. Men can love their children with every fiber in his being, however men are also triggered to how they are able to take care of them. If he already has a number of children, he's not so apt to add to them. It's just the way men think. Women have more emotional feelings about it; men are more analytical.

I don't think that either of you are being selfish, instead this is just an example of what being married is...two different lives becoming one. Whatever happens in life, I can promise you that this will not be the last earth moving situation or difference in desires that the two of you will share. There will be many, many more. The cloud nine that you are on, has to descend sooner or later and simply face the entire and complex composition that the two of you make as man and wife.

What means more to you is the important question. And always keep in mind that even if you decide to move on 'away' from this man, you will never escape another challenge of compromise with someone else. Someone else may give you a baby, but will he give you the peace of love in your heart as this man already does?

So your question is what can you truly live with or without?

Is having another child truly going to improve or will it be challenge in your life? Even if your sweetheart changes his mind and decides to have a baby with you, once we have babies, the romance / honeymoon takes a back seat to everything that children demand of us and from 4 children you will then have 5 or more should there be twins or triplets.

What is it in your life now that you've never had before with this man that a baby cannot make up for? The answer lies in your heart. In a few years, this man's children will be grown an out on their own; your son will be among them. The two of you can begin and have a new life of your very own; a companionship between man and wife that no child can ever give. Children grow up and they leave us, who will be with you in the end?

I wish all of joy in the world with your new life as this man's wife. As for the baby, I think you know, it's just hard letting go. :Rose:

Blessings...

 

[ThickHair]

This is my birthday weekend, so we will be going to a play and having a getaway at a local resort.

Ok you are a Sista Sag, so I know you do have some sense. LOL My birthday is 12/10. Have fun this weekend.

 

[prtybrwnis]

Whenever I've fallen in love, I always dream of having a baby....and my two children are full grown and married. For some reason, falling in love, triggers my maternal being.

I think it's just in most of us as women, that our maternal being just wants to have and nurture babies and falling in love makes a woman feel secure to have a child. Who can resist a precious little baby? They have a way of just stealing your heart and as Black women, we love our babies. We just do.

But in this life with a man and woman in love, Love is both ways... In a relationship for the 'two' to become 'one', they will always have something that they have to make compromises about.

Understand this, Men are not maternal. It's easier for woman to desire to have a baby than it is for a man. Especially when a man has his quiver full and is doing all that he is able to do to take good care of those that he has without adding more. Men can love their children with every fiber in his being, however men are also triggered to how they are able to take care of them. If he already has a number of children, he's not so apt to add to them. It's just the way men think. Women have more emotional feelings about it; men are more analytical.

I don't think that either of you are being selfish, instead this is just an example of what being married is...two different lives becoming one. Whatever happens in life, I can promise you that this will not be the last earth moving situation or difference in desires that the two of you will share. There will be many, many more. The cloud nine that you are on, has to descend sooner or later and simply face the entire and complex composition that the two of you make as man and wife.

What means more to you is the important question. And always keep in mind that even if you decide to move on 'away' from this man, you will never escape another challenge of compromise with someone else. Someone else may give you a baby, but will he give you the peace of love in your heart as this man already does?

So your question is what can you truly live with or without?

Is having another child truly going to improve or will it be challenge in your life? Even if your sweetheart changes his mind and decides to have a baby with you, once we have babies, the romance / honeymoon takes a back seat to everything that children demand of us and from 4 children you will then have 5 or more should there be twins or triplets.

What is it in your life now that you've never had before with this man that a baby cannot make up for? The answer lies in your heart. In a few years, this man's children will be grown an out on their own; your son will be among them. The two of you can begin and have a new life of your very own; a companionship between man and wife that no child can ever give. Children grow up and they leave us, who will be with you in the end?

I wish all of joy in the world with your new life as this man's wife. As for the baby, I think you know, it's just hard letting go. :Rose:

Blessings...

I am honored that you responded Sis. Shimmie and as usual you are on point! You're right...I do know!

 

[Shimmie]

I am honored that you responded Sis. Shimmie and as usual you are on point! You're right...I do know!

It's gonna be okay for you, Darlin'. Don't ever regret your maternal love; it's a beautiful gift inside of you and they will NEVER be in vain nor go to waste. Husbands are some of the biggest babies that a wife will ever have. They always want 'Mommie's' [wifey's] love and attention, and as his wife and 'mommie', we just love em'. Just feed him and keep him dry...

"Pretty Brown Eyes"...you are so filled with love; trust in the love that God has created in you and go with God's direction. He's already there in your future ahead and He can see what you cannot see. All the more reason, God has placed the answer in your heart, from His.

 

[Enyo]

It shouldn't be a stand off though. He told her that he didn't want to have additional kids. I wouldn't try to hold out hope that he would change his mind. That is not fair to him. We woman are always about ME ME ME ME. There are other people's feelings to consider, no matter what one may think.

Maybe YOU are, but most of the women I know personally are always taking care of someone else and think of themselves last. Reading all the marriage and motherhood threads on this forum alone has me convinced of that. If I see one more woman feel guilty about taking time out doing something for themselves, I'm going to cry.

Maternal desire is beyond "ME ME ME". It's a deeply imbedded instinct that is very difficult to restrain. Baby Rabies are no joke and cannot be compared to most other desires. In some women, it's to the point where they are driven to do questionable things (i.e. "forgetting" the pill or shot). I don't even LIKE kids, but I have gone through periods where I want to snatch one of my little cousins, hop on a plane to DC, and keep them. The urge to procreate is a large chunk of what makes us human and these feelings are increased when we are emotionally invested in our mates. I do not want kids, but whenever I have strong feelings for a man, I do daydream about having his child. It's just natural!

OP: I think you let your emotions get the best of you and proceeded with your heart and not your head. You have a man who was honest with you from the get-go but you decided not pay attention. I know we hear this all the time, but, YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM!