Never, ESPECIALLY when you 1) were like that before you got married and 2) your independence was part of what attracted your husband to you in the first place. IMO, if a man feels like he can't do anything for you because you don't need him to do everything for you, that's an insecurity he needs to work through.
Thanks. I still struggle with understanding why women try to beat this idea of "making a man feel needed" into other women, especially in situations like the OP's. She is the breadwinner, provider, and the caregiver in her household. These are the facts. Her reality is that he is not (financially) needed, so I don't know what kind of acrobatics and contortions her family and others expect her to do, in order to make him "feel" like a man. Being supportive and showing compassion is just about all she can do. He needs to accept the responsibility of proving his value to her, and showing her that she is worthy of having a reliable, dedicated, protector and provider as a husband and father to their child. He may not be saying it, but thus far his actions imply that his former wife (for whatever reason) was worth the effort. A man with integrity doesn't need coercion to fulfill his role as head of household.
auparavant -
Cliff notes version (kinda) - I'm sick and tired of the wife being held responsible for her husbands ish when she's being normal. Now we all know those bad wives, I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the wives/mothers who are supportive and loving.
Husband starts acting up - everybody starts looking at the wife. What did she/didn't she do? What can she do to fix it? Bump that ish! Yes, support your husband. Let him know you love and appreciate him. But dammit, sometimes those jokas act the hell up and it was NOTHING the wife did!!! Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!!!
But not to keep talking about because yet again, it was going to make him feel less than a man. I also think that in your case, your DH may have stopped taking the lead with paying the bills once he got a PT or whatever job because he again, didn't feel like he had to or you would take up the slack. The costume jewelry and plant thing, I think was an attempt to do something thoughtful or considerate--regardless of whether you liked it or not. I have found that men will attempt random things for you but if we don't even show the smallest of gratitude, they feel tremendously let down and they just won't do it again. Or they will have the "why bother" attitude, nothing is ever gonna be enough. I think this translates into his job searching/paying bills as well.
I work for myself. I don't know how we are going to eat or the bills would be paid if he didnt figure something out. Honestly, I wouldnt argue about it, I'd probably just leave after a certain amount of time had passed. I'm not really for the berating and nagging approach. That's too exhausting and I think it'd make me bitter, jaded and even angrier than I already probably would be feeling at the time.... So if I've been married to man for 5,7, 9 years or so, I can see myself sticking it out with him for a little while if he is unemployed (maybe a year or two). I've never really been the ride or die type woman but at the same time I'm persistent and hate failure. He's probably done a lot for me and our family over the course of those years so I can see myself doing my damndest to uphold my marital vows and obligations for as long as I could. After that, I'm going to be honest, IDK what I'd do. I'd probably leave because I'd collapse under the pressure and also my feelings of resentment & disappointment. But part of that would be because I felt he failed on his end for so long. Believe it or not, I'm more about feeling protected than provided for and I just would feel so vulnerable and unsafe no knowing that my rock, my husband, can no longer take care of me and our family.....
First step: should have peeped you are somewhat of a jump-off in his book...you probably don't have more mojo than the first wife
Second first step: never marry a man who is not self-MADE ...you cannot make a man. Things are complicated 100 fold when one is pregnant.
To the rest:
All this bewitching and trickery to get him do what you want ...only works with someone who is SLIGHTLY beneath where he needs to be in a relationship. Frankenstein...you can't cut the stink off him cuz the whole thing is putrifying. Yeah, yeah, I know, the man is the head and the woman is the neck and she can turn the head in any direction she wants....AHEM...that only works if the head is actually worth something in the first place What good is a neck with a stupid head?
Most people show their true colors pretty early if you read in between the lines. But then again, most of the relationship was long-distance, I guess they are just now really getting to know each other? Either way, this situation is a mess. And I highly doubt it's all the DH's fault. It takes two to tango. She picked him, she played by these rules initially. My question is why?
This was a very well written post
I was not trying to blame the wife nor trying to attack her femininity, because I still don't think most women know what femininity is and it's not being a passive waif either. I'm trying to understand because as I said I've been in this situation and I know first hand how this can go. Obviously my experience was that DH had always been a provider, etc.
My advice would be not to divorce him. I'm not all for divorcing people unless you are being beat and or the man is not a provider. I don't get non-provider vibes from him in fact. But OP are we getting the whole story? Is this a fact that he provided for the first wife? Or were you told? Why did they divorce in the first place?
As I said in hindsight if I had to go back and do it again in my situation, I would have taken my children and moved out, to show DH action and not words--light a fire under him. Obviously, he got it together in a short time but I don't think men respond to ultimatums or words after the first sentence. That's JMO.
