Make him feel like a man

He probably feels like crap since he is unable to provide for you. That is probably the most relevant factor to him "not feeling like a man." On the other hand, as women we have much more power than we know. We have the power to cut men down to nothing or make them feel like kings. I am NOT saying anything is your fault but I know that if I were in your situation I would be giving off some MAJORLY hostile vibes due to his unemployment. Maybe you should write him a letter to affirm him as a man and to express your concerns???
 
This isnt your first thread about marriage regrets and issues OP. How are you really feeling? About everything?
 
sunnieb said:
:)

Cliff notes version (kinda) - I'm sick and tired of the wife being held responsible for her husbands ish when she's being normal. Now we all know those bad wives, I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the wives/mothers who are supportive and loving.

Husband starts acting up - everybody starts looking at the wife. What did she/didn't she do? What can she do to fix it? Bump that ish! Yes, support your husband. Let him know you love and appreciate him. But dammit, sometimes those jokas act the hell up and it was NOTHING the wife did!!! Aaaarrrgggghhhhh!!!!!
Click to expand...

I'm glad you gave a second thought on speaking your mind. This is dead on correct. sunnieb
 
Dominican09 said:
thought you found yourself a unicorn huh? :giggle:

LHCF rules are if you are a unicorn you can only procreate with unicorns, so you messed up already; don't worry LHCF would let you know how to get rid of him and then you will be a single mother and undateable (is that a word?)...but guess what? at least your future unicorn would know that you are not barren. :yep:

May the force of unicorns be with you
Click to expand...


Dominican09

:dead: :dead:

I just can't.
 
Well whether he's in the wrong or not you guys are gonna have to work things out. This might the "worse" they were talking about in that whole "for better or for worse".

We can sit and talk about how OP's husband is in the wrong or not, but that's not really gonna help anything.

I'm not married, but if I were the OP, I would try to be supportive. The economy had been hardest on black men, and it's easy to see how your husband might feel inadequate. Given the situation you have described. You guys may have to make a conscious effort together to address the issue of the income discrepancy between you two because it does sound like that may be a significant factor.
 
I'm not getting all these excuses (he's depressed, she's making him feel inadequate with her "Strong Black Woman" persona, he's ego is not being stroked, blah blah blah blah...)

He was working two jobs when they were dating and he was still single taking care of himself. He moved to her state, they got married. Yes, finding a job may have taken time, but the OP had to issue and ultimatum Why?

He wants to be needed but he's not bringing his A-game into the equation. Instead I'm sure in his mind, he's making rationalizations and the same bunch of excuses.

Now, she has to go and twist herself mentally and emotionally into a pretzel to figure out ways to make this man FEEL GOOD about himself, all the while taking care of a baby and most likely dealing with his passive-aggressive behavior.

I guess it's all her fault though, since she didn't quit her high-paying job to rely on him. If she had, he would have felt MAN enough to step up to the plate to take care of her and the child he was man enough to get her with.
 
auparavant said:
@sunnieb

How fair is that? Speak your mind. I wanna hear. You should have read my original before the ETA: it was rather brutal.

@NijaG

One thing though, I don't equate a SAHM as someone needy. It's a very tough and demanding job and you never have vacation, never have off-time. It requires 100% of your life even after the kids are grown. So, imho, the comparison between the white gf being needy versus the professional moving up the corporate chain is not a point I wanted to make...just clarifying in case someone sees my post as such. There are simply different lifestyles as a wife. He failed the both of them...miserably. :nono:
Click to expand...

Yeah, SAHM doesn't equal needy to me. My comment was being specific to the OP's situation, because it seems like, she was being told by some members in her family that it somehow her fault because she wasn't acting like she needed him the same way his Ex-wife did.

Her being a BLACK WOMAN in a high professional/career track (with all the negatives that supposedly come with it) was working against her.

So like I said in my most recent comment, she has to now go do some major research and figure out a thesis so that this big negative that she brought with her into the relationship would become a positive so that her husband would start feeling good enough to now pull his own weight and contribute positively.
 
*Hugz* OP,

You sound like your in a very tough situation. If your almost ready to have ur baby your going to need peace and as least stress as possible. I'm pretty sure your hubby is a good guy, he may just be going through things and needs a little incentive.
I would test him, I mean at this point you have nothing to loose. Tell him you put in 3 months notice at your job and your not going back;). ( don't really do it,but I think you'll be able to tell if he has what it takes)
Tell him you love and you know he can be a great provider for your family. If he can't find something in that time. Then you know what to do.

And cut all the luxuries off as well. I think he knows he can rely on you so maybe that's why he's not busting his balls. I think he needs some uncertainty in his life.
 
My SO works construction as well and the project he was working on ended shortly after we started dating. He went four months without working and it really messed with his confidence because he's not used to being off especially during the peak season (summer). But, from talking to him I've learned that construction is about who you know and if you're not working companies think it's because you're not good at what you do. I will say that he went HARD during those 4 months looking for a job and eventually found something that is working out for him but, it's still seasonal!!! Meaning another layoff is around the corner. I'm not sure how diligent your husband was with looking for a construction job but I'm sure it was much more difficult because of the relocation. I also think that he did those things for you because as a man he wanted to do something nice for his wife with what he had. Ego stroking isn't really my thing, but I do like to encourage people when they are down and I try hard to limit the kicking when they are down.

He's used to being a provider and he's having a hard time providing for his family, that has got to sting! I find that a lot of men define themselves by what they can do. He's probably depressed and needs the support of his wife. Anyhow, I hope you and your husband are able to get through this rough patch. I'm sure being newlyweds and having a new baby on top of his financial situation can be very stressful, try to focus on the positive and work through the negatives!
 
He definitely needs a push. I would honestly bring the issue up. When we reunited, you were working and blah blah. Now, we have this baby, blah blah. You need to make it clear that he needs to help out an get a better job or two lesser jobs. It doesn't matter, but he needs to contribute more the household or he just dead weight. I can't get with a pregnant woman working up to 37-38 weeks because she HAS to. It should be a choice and he should have made that easier on you.

Clearly you don't want a SAHD. You want to feel like if anything happened, he would be able to support the household. That's what most, if not all, women want.
 
NijaG said:
I'm not getting all these excuses (he's depressed, she's making him feel inadequate with her "Strong Black Woman" persona, he's ego is not being stroked, blah blah blah blah...)

He was working two jobs when they were dating and he was still single taking care of himself. He moved to her state, they got married. Yes, finding a job may have taken time, but the OP had to issue and ultimatum Why?

He wants to be needed but he's not bringing his A-game into the equation. Instead I'm sure in his mind, he's making rationalizations and the same bunch of excuses.

Now, she has to go and twist herself mentally and emotionally into a pretzel to figure out ways to make this man FEEL GOOD about himself, all the while taking care of a baby and most likely dealing with his passive-aggressive behavior.

I guess it's all her fault though, since she didn't quit her high-paying job to rely on him. If she had, he would have felt MAN enough to step up to the plate to take care of her and the child he was man enough to get her with.
Click to expand...


I know someone going through a similar situation. In this case I know both the man and the woman. My friend is trying to be as supportive as possible. She doesn't pressure him about working because's he's looking for work but having a difficult time. She called me crying because he has regressed and his insecurities are magnified, which is causing fights. When they met he was working (at the top of his game even!), when he moved in, he was working.But now he's not. Right ow she's at the point that she wants to give him an ultimatum because he is letting his depression control him.

It's crazy because men's ego's are really tied up in the idea of being the bread winner. His being with a white woman may have nothing to do with this. :perplexed

OP, is your husband open to counseling? I will give you the same suggestion I gave my friend. Do you know any of your DH's friends? When it comes to men's needs women are really bad at giving advice. Ask a man you know and trust for pointers. I'm very serious about this. The way our brains work differ from theirs. Trust me, the advice a man will give you will differ greatly from the women on this board.

As for you, I suggest you stand your ground. Be mindful of how you come off towards him (if you are aggravated, that's ok, sometimes they need to know, sometimes their egos are too fragile for it in the moment....esp if we're dealing with depression). It's not your fault, but he may just be a good guy and you two are in a rough patch.

Hth.
 
Mortons said:
This isnt your first thread about marriage regrets and issues OP. How are you really feeling? About everything?
Click to expand...

Maybe I have an unrealistic view of marriage. I was single for too long. I don't really know how this is supposed to go. I just feel like his first wife got a better deal. He bought her a house and her own car. They traveled. They did things. We haven't even been on our honeymoon because WE can't afford it (I can afford it but I'd feel like a chump if I paid for our whole honeymoon when he was unemployed). Maybe it's because when he was married to her he was younger and more able/willing to work two jobs. Maybe she brow beat him into doing what she wanted. Maybe he's this way because he's been married before and he's trying not to make the same mistakes with me that he made with her. Maybe he loved her more. Maybe I read too many black romance novels and watch too much Single Ladies and Sex and the City reruns and I expect too much. We skipped all the romance of the honeymoon period and went straight to the marital problems of year five. Don't get me wrong. I'm not miserable but I wouldn't say I was happily married either. I'm actually just coasting but we've only been married for 15 months. Isn't it kinda early to coast? This is not the happily ever after I wanted. My prince charming turned into a frog the minute I said "I do."
 
Oh and during those 9 months he was unemployed he wasn't looking for work. That's why I gave him the ultimatum.
 
If construction is a field that is not hiring right now, it's time to find a new field or get a new skill. I know that's easier said than done, but when you have responsibilities its mandatory that you get on your A game as quickly as possible. If he has other interests or skills, encourage him to explore them.
 
Perfexion said:
Maybe I have an unrealistic view of marriage. I was single for too long. I don't really know how this is supposed to go. I just feel like his first wife got a better deal. He bought her a house and her own car. They traveled. They did things. We haven't even been on our honeymoon because WE can't afford it (I can afford it but I'd feel like a chump if I paid for our whole honeymoon when he was unemployed). Maybe it's because when he was married to her he was younger and more able/willing to work two jobs. Maybe she brow beat him into doing what she wanted. Maybe he's this way because he's been married before and he's trying not to make the same mistakes with me that he made with her. Maybe he loved her more. Maybe I read too many black romance novels and watch too much Single Ladies and Sex and the City reruns and I expect too much. We skipped all the romance of the honeymoon period and went straight to the marital problems of year five. Don't get me wrong. I'm not miserable but I wouldn't say I was happily married either. I'm actually just coasting but we've only been married for 15 months. Isn't it kinda early to coast? This is not the happily ever after I wanted. My prince charming turned into a frog the minute I said "I do."
Click to expand...

You are NOT expecting too much by wanting your husband to be able to help provide for your household. I feel like that's pretty rudimentary.
 
Err how can this be a negro thing when we dont even know the race of the husband

anyway this situation reminds me of how people love to imply that women should "dae down" "work with a dude"..if his problem was the economy..how come he was able to get a jobn after she made an ultimatum?
 
Perfexion said:
Oh and during those 9 months he was unemployed he wasn't looking for work. That's why I gave him the ultimatum.
Click to expand...

Wait, he didn't try at all? No apps filled out, no going through the want ads, no networking, nothing? What was he doing?
 
Perfexion said:
Oh and during those 9 months he was unemployed he wasn't looking for work. That's why I gave him the ultimatum.
Click to expand...


I suspected this from your post but I didn't want to bring it up.

Please correct me if I'm way off base, but I get the feeling that a good portion of your dissatisfaction with him, wasn't really the unemployment itself, but his attitude and mindset towards the whole situation which included your pregnancy.

Not only was he being lazy and relying on you, but I'm sure that went hand-in-hand with passive aggressive actions that didn't make you feel safe, comfortable and cherished.

If he had made the home a positive place for you to come home to where you didn't have to deal with his negative attitude, I don't think you would have had as much of an issue, especially if he had been proactive with his employment efforts.

Also, while I can't say 100% that race is a factor, I do believe like I and another poster stated previously, that there are some BM who do behave differently and put in more effort when in rlsps with non-BW vs BW.
 
FelaShrine said:
Err how can this be a negro thing when we dont even know the race of the husband

anyway this situation reminds me of how people love to imply that women should "dae down" "work with a dude"..if his problem was the economy..how come he was able to get a jobn after she made an ultimatum?
Click to expand...

1st bolded: The way she posted the situation implied he was black. She hasn't denied the assumption we've all seemed to have made

2nd: Thank you!!! I observed the same thing too.
 
NijaG said:
I suspected this from your post but I didn't want to bring it up.

Please correct me if I'm way off base, but I get the feeling that a good portion of your dissatisfaction with him, wasn't really the unemployment itself, but his attitude and mindset towards the whole situation which included your pregnancy.

Not only was he being lazy and relying on you, but I'm sure that went hand-in-hand with passive aggressive actions that didn't make you feel safe, comfortable and cherished.

If he had made the home a positive place for you to come home to where you didn't have to deal with his negative attitude, I don't think you would have had as much of an issue, especially if he had been proactive with his employment efforts.

Also, while I can't say 100% that race is a factor, I do believe like I and another poster stated previously, that there are some BM who do behave differently and put in more effort when in rlsps with non-BW vs BW.
Click to expand...

That sounds about right.
 
Wow. This whole idea of black guys acting out with black women is eye opening! I thought it was just an African thing!

OP what are you going to do?
 
Perfexion said:
Nothing. He was doing nothing. That's why I was pissed.
Click to expand...

Sounds like he was the perfect long distance boyfriend, but is not a very good husband or provider. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I can tell that you are very unhappy and disappointed. Unfortunately you didn't marry up or even equally. You married down without realizing it because you were lonely and smitten. I don't know what to tell you though especially since you have a child together. Too bad you got pregnant so quickly, before you could see him get his career established first or see him not get established. But I'm sure you never dreamed things would go this way. If you didn't have a child together, I would say run for the hills. You are in a really tough situation and I don't know what to tell you.
 
I agree with what All4Tris stated.

I have dated guys and have family members that work in the construction field. It is hard out there right now for people that work in construction.
Your husband does not sound like a bad guy at all. I think his spirit is a wounded because he is not able to provide for you the way he would like to. And as far as the gifts that he bought.... I see those only as his way of making peace with you.

I say encourage him more and by all means keep your family out of your business.
 
Let me get this straight, he had a white wife and two jobs but now that you two are married he's became a lazy bum. I would hate to think that he cherish his white wife so much that he'll do anything to keep her. I'm sorry but I would leave his backside. You have everything going for you so you don't need to settle. Give him a pass and go find somebody worthy.
 
don't bring up his former marriage. that has nothing to do with you. focus on this issues in yours. just have a sit down with him, with the bills and talk to him about stepping up more. if he is going though some sort of depression, seek counseling.
 
NijaG said:
I'm not getting all these excuses (he's depressed, she's making him feel inadequate with her "Strong Black Woman" persona, he's ego is not being stroked, blah blah blah blah...)

He was working two jobs when they were dating and he was still single taking care of himself. He moved to her state, they got married. Yes, finding a job may have taken time, but the OP had to issue and ultimatum Why?

He wants to be needed but he's not bringing his A-game into the equation. Instead I'm sure in his mind, he's making rationalizations and the same bunch of excuses.

Now, she has to go and twist herself mentally and emotionally into a pretzel to figure out ways to make this man FEEL GOOD about himself, all the while taking care of a baby and most likely dealing with his passive-aggressive behavior.

I guess it's all her fault though, since she didn't quit her high-paying job to rely on him. If she had, he would have felt MAN enough to step up to the plate to take care of her and the child he was man enough to get her with.
Click to expand...
:clap: :clap: :clap:

Thanks. I still struggle with understanding why women try to beat this idea of "making a man feel needed" into other women, especially in situations like the OP's. She is the breadwinner, provider, and the caregiver in her household. These are the facts. Her reality is that he is not (financially) needed, so I don't know what kind of acrobatics and contortions her family and others expect her to do, in order to make him "feel" like a man. Being supportive and showing compassion is just about all she can do. He needs to accept the responsibility of proving his value to her, and showing her that she is worthy of having a reliable, dedicated, protector and provider as a husband and father to their child. He may not be saying it, but thus far his actions imply that his former wife (for whatever reason) was worth the effort. A man with integrity doesn't need coercion to fulfill his role as head of household.
 
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