Lessons you have learned in relationships

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Supergirl said:
alright, on the one about not dating guys who grew up without their fathers in the house--I think that's kind of unfair, because they didn't ask to be put in that situation. My parents were divorced when I was very young & I would hate for men to say "don't mess with a woman who grew up without her father because they have issues."

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Here here! My hubby grew up without his dad and he's awesome. Just because his dad was not there, didn't mean he didn't have positive male role models to observe. My mother-in-law kept him in church and they always had youth camps for the young males in which they went out with the men of the church and did great things. My husband often speaks of the men that helped him to mold his life and to help him want to pursue higher education. Many of the men in his church had their own businesses or were in wonderful careers. So, IMO, to say simply because dad was not there they aren't worth your time is said in error. I honestly think my honey can beat some "father in the home" males, when it comes to knowing how to treat a woman good, hands down!!!!! I wouldn't trade him for any man out there...and I truly mean that.
 
So, what are you going to do? Try to 'fix' them? Been there, it's totally ineffective, this is something they can only get at home. Life and relationships aren't fair, they just are. You have to look for the best partner for yourself and your children, should you decide to have any. Choosing to date men who are unlikely to make good husbands and fathers is to deliberately invite heartache and pain into your life.

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Supergirl said:
alright, on the one about not dating guys who grew up without their fathers in the house--I think that's kind of unfair, because they didn't ask to be put in that situation. My parents were divorced when I was very young & I would hate for men to say "don't mess with a woman who grew up without her father because they have issues."

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Supergirl said:
alright, on the one about not dating guys who grew up without their fathers in the house--I think that's kind of unfair, because they didn't ask to be put in that situation. My parents were divorced when I was very young & I would hate for men to say "don't mess with a woman who grew up without her father because they have issues."

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O-kay! My SO grew up with just his mom and siblings (his father passed away) and he is no worse for wear. He absolutely loving to ALL his sisters (related or not).
 
Some men without fathers in the home learned at an early age how to be responsible, how to shelter their sisters, and have very close relationships without their sisters and brothers. About half of black men grew up in single-mother raised families. SOME of these men are slim pickings, but SOME of them are a real treasure.

I don't think its fair to refuse to date a man based on something that is absolutely not his fault.
 
I said I was cautious about dating men who grew up without fathers - not that I automatically dismiss them. My father grew up without a father so he's my litmus test for men who had similar backgrounds. There's one of two ways they go. They either are more adament about stepping up to the plate in taking the role of a man in the relationhip and home. Or, because they're used to seeing women handle EVERYTHING they're more comfortable in a secondary position - and a lot of times they don't even realize it. They way their psyche understands it - a woman kept them fed, clothed, housed etc. and therefore its not 100% neccessary for them to do so...like, it becomes and option rather than a requirement. I'm not explaining this well....
 
Actually Laginappe, you're doing a very good job of explaining it. In my experience, most of the men I've met who were raised by a single mom expect the woman to do everything. They have no idea what a man's role is supposed to be, nor are they interested in learning.

Just like it's not their fault that they didn't have a father, it's not my fault that I did and I have certain expectations of what I want in a man. I certainly don't want one who expects me to take care of him. It was not until I wised up and started avoiding those guys that I finally found men who knew what it was all about. So yes, I recommend against dating them. Just as I recommend against dating men who have a different value system than yourself. If you choose otherwise, that's your business.
 
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Just like it's not their fault that they didn't have a father, it's not my fault that I did and I have certain expectations of what I want in a man.

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You know...I never thought of it in exactly those terms but you're absolutely right!! Thanks!
 
Ok, here's my 2 cents that I gathered from a book.
A newly wed couple suddenly started having problems and didn't understand what was going wrong since they loved each other. It took a counsellor to discover that they varied in their perception of gender roles.
While the woman would go to sleep at night leaving the doors unlocked because she grew up in a household where it was the father's job to lock up before bed, her husband would go to sleep expecting her to lock up becuase his mother did it.
We need to be verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry unattached and 'nosey' to discover the values, notions and what else that a potential mate may have and then decide if we can stomach them on a daily basis (because there will be no waiting for daybreak or weekends to be over so he can go to his home. You will be his home!!)
 
Nah Rozlips,

I won't be trying to fix anybody. I just say that if the person God has for me grew up without his dad in his home, then I won't write him off because of it. Furthermore, like I said--I wouldn't want someone writing me off for the same reason. And it's funny how the worst relationship I've ever been in was with a guy who had his dad(a sweet preacher) in his home, parents married for 30 something years--the black Beavers if you will & yet this man seemed to have no knowledge of the right way to treat a woman. And the best relationship I've ever been in was with a guy who didn't even have the slightest idea of who his father was--I mean never even met him.

But I know that there are people who will "discriminate" against divorced people or children of divorce. I actually overheard my ex's mother making a comment to him about the fact that we didn't come from the same "background." (it was made in a negative way) . People should realize, it could've been them or their parents that got the divorce. I count my blessings everyday and don't look down on others who have not been as fortunate as I with certain things.
 
Oh & I don't wish divorce on anyone, but have you ever thought of the fact that you (ladies who don't date "fatherless" men) could have a son who grows up without his father in his home. It seems that a lasting marriage is no guarantee these days--sad, but true. I hope to Heaven that all of you(and me) DO indeed have lasting marriages and fathers in the home for our children. I definitely believe it's better that the family unit is unbroken, but that's becoming a luxury these days.
 
[ QUOTE ]
Supergirl said:
alright, on the one about not dating guys who grew up without their fathers in the house--I think that's kind of unfair, because they didn't ask to be put in that situation. My parents were divorced when I was very young & I would hate for men to say "don't mess with a woman who grew up without her father because they have issues."

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I agree with this. I grew up in a single parent home and it is unfair to make a judgement like this one. There are tons of people [that I know] who have issues and they grew up in a stable environment with both parents. The bottom line-as I see it-is that everyone has issues whether you grow up in a two parent household or a one parent household..it's up to you to make the change within yourself.
 
Never let a man define who you are.
Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.
Never borrow someone else's man.
 
I have to disagress w/ the not dating a man who grew up w/ out a farher. My husband father died when he was 10 years old. He's a wonderful father. No all man are the same...There are some good Men out there.
 
I have to disagress w/ the not dating a man who grew up w/ out a farher. My husband father died when he was 10 years old. He's a wonderful father. Not all man are the same...There are some good Men out there.
 
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Supergirl said:
Oh & I don't wish divorce on anyone, but have you ever thought of the fact that you (ladies who don't date "fatherless" men) could have a son who grows up without his father in his home. It seems that a lasting marriage is no guarantee these days--sad, but true. I hope to Heaven that all of you(and me) DO indeed have lasting marriages and fathers in the home for our children. I definitely believe it's better that the family unit is unbroken, but that's becoming a luxury these days.

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Again – I didn’t say I don’t date them, I said I view them with caution. Its just a personal caveat of mine. Every man has the opportunity to show me he’s the type of man my father is, no matter what his parental background.

If I were to end up raising a son on my own, I’d do what I hope most of us here are doing and do the best job of it I can. After that its up to him. And I would hope that I’d been able to raise my son and surround him with enough male role models who are able to teach him the things that I can’t.

As for the unbroken family unit - it truly is a sad state that its labeled as a luxury these days when it used to be a requirement. But because it’s a luxury doesn’t mean its not something we should aspire to. If we make better life choices before marriage we significantly raise our chances of holding onto that luxury.
 
Supergirl, we're talking about two different situations here. I'm not talking about women who are widowed or divorced. I'm talking about all these 75% of black children being raised OOW period. Without a man at any time to fulfill the role of husband. Of course divorce or death can occur at any time, but isn't incumbent upon us to try to give our children the best homelife possible BEFORE we bring them into this world? We have no control over our spouse dying or whatnot, but we sure as hell can choose to bring our children into the world within a secure family unit in the first place. Those are clear conscious choices, has nothing to do with luxury. We don't live in some society that compels us to have children against our will. We have free will to have children with whom and when we please. To choose to do otherwise is incredibly selfish and short-sighted.
 
Rozlips, it's not the child's fault that they grew up in a single parent household. Like I said I know tons of people who grew up in a secure environment with BOTH parents have they way more issues in their relationships than those I know (including myself)who didn't grow up in that type of environment. I know I would like to have the package deal: marriage and children but it's not because I'm afraid of the issues that my child would have because no father is around it's just something I always wanted. I want to be married and eventually I want children. If it doesn't work out that way and I decide to have child then I don't see it as being "selfish". As long as I am able to provide for the child and as long as the child is around positive people like an uncle, grandfather, etc..then the child will still thrive. I am seriously offended with your post, mainly because I grew up in the so called "insecure" environment that you speak of so I am going to try to refrain from writing anything else on this subject because I may say something and it's not going to be nice.
 
Natori, I'm talking about a specific situation. OOWs demonstrate to me that in all likelihood a man has been raised in a certain atmosphere. One where mama did everything so he expects his wife to do everything and one where family and marriage is not valued. Since family and marriage are very important to me, as is having a husband who understands his role, I think if you want those things it's best to avoid men who in all likelihood were raised without those values. Yes, we can all take a sampling of folks raised all kinds of ways and find people who are screwed up, but in my experience, on the two issues I mentioned, that's more likely to occur in an OOW home. Does it also happen with women? I think with women it breeds up superwomen who are clueless about a woman's role and thinks everything is her responsibility. This can be just as bad. But since I don't date women, I haven't spent as much time studying the phenomenon in them.
 
Let's just face it some people live in a superficial world where everyting is perfect, they have a perfect job, a perfect man, ect...then you have the people who live life, where everthing is not so perfect, maybe it's the guy who grew up w/ a dead beat dad, or it's the girl who grew up w/ a mother who never took care of her...does that make them a bad person, or a person who can't function and handle their business. In my opinon nothing is secure in this world...you can have it all today and loose it tomorrow!
 
That's so true montana, but let's face it, some people see life thru their very special rose colored glasses...
perplexed.gif
 
Truth be told...we all see life through our own special rose colored glasses...Its called our "attitude".

ATTITUDE — by Charles Swindoll
"Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, then education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say, or do. It is more important than appearances, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company.. A church.. A home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our attitudes".
 
I personally hope the picky ladies get what they want. Everyone's got these little foibles: some guys want blondes, some doctors prefer to marry a fellow MD or PhD, some people will only consider folks in their denomination. Whatever. Get yours.

I try to identify what I want from the person I'm relating to at the start of our interaction. Will this be a summer fling, or a life long platonic friend, or a love interest? What do I want from him?

I've learned not to try too hard to change people. Everyone has their non-negotiables.

Guys who keep a messy house/apartment usually have helter skelter lifestyles.

I'd rather date a guy with a car than one who expects rides from me. He should have more money too. I want to date "up". Enough with my poor fellow grad students.

I'd rather date a guy in my denomination who attends church and is actively involved than a guy who is nice but not affiliated.

Guys who I'm not physically attracted to initially can become friends, but there won't be a sexual spark later. No use waiting around. (This thing I have for pretty boys is becoming a problem.)

Mom said not to fall in love with a man's potential. If he's not excelling at whatever stage of education or employment he's in, don't expect to be his muse and inspire him to greatness.

When a guy admits to a character flaw (can't commit, promiscuous, party animal, etc.), BELIEVE him.

If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

Don't get pressured into anything. We can be friends first. No need to rush.
 
Ive learned, just because he says he loves you, doesnt mean that he wont hurt you and it doesnt mean that you are meant to be with him.
Ive also learned how to read in between the lines with a man.
 
MissJ - Don't let your relationship with Obi sour your view of men. Trust me when i tell u that all men ARE NOT the same
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Isis said:
If he keeps telling you it’s “just your imagination” when you point out certain things in his behavior that’s bothering you, like him trying to make you jealous or putting you down, or lying, RUN! This is called “crazy-making” in psychology and it’s part of controlling behavior. And it will get worse.


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Darn! I learned that one the hard way. That's why my ex (Obi) went to London. He thought that I was gonna have a nervous breakdown and needed a break from him! Thank God! We finally broke up, and I kept my sanity.
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brownrelaxedhair said:
Actions speak louder than words.

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I dated guys who would act really unlovingly, but I'd tell myself "he said he loved me" and I'd hang on to lousy relationships. This is probably the biggest lesson I had to learn: Never mind what a guy says, pay attention to what he does.
 
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But because it?s a luxury doesn?t mean its not something we should aspire to. If we make better life choices before marriage we significantly raise our chances of holding onto that luxury.


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Most definitely Laginappe. Most definitely...
 
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