Leaving my man but now i am unsure about it

SpiritJunkie

SpiritJunkie

Well-Known Member
***long one but i need your opinion and appreciate you honesty****

i've been dating this guy for a year now and we recently went through a traumatic experience. i was pregnant and lost my baby end of Jan but also had complications that dragged on for weeks.

he's been there for me for most of it but as time progresses ii find that he is putting work a head of me. i've been to ER twice due to abdominal pain & consistent bleeding. he was supportive the first trip but 2nd time i just felt like dude wanted to be in the office working.

not intentionally but i broke up with him on valentines when we had a disagreement. this triggered it: he was talking about the future and it seemed more about him I, I, I not we, we, we, or us. i don't know if it was the harmones but i just told him i can't do this anymore..and i don't feel the love.

we took a couple of days apart and had a radio interview the other day to do 2gether that was prescheduled..so we did it. he then said he understands why i feel that he doesn't love me and it's his fault for not working hard enough to show me. cool..he stayed over nothings changed.

next day: i had to go to the hospital for an ultrasound again to make sure i am recovering. i told him the morning of and hoped he would come to the hosptial with me. this man said he had prior engagements and that i should have given him more notice. are u for real? do u think it was selfish of me to say drop your previous meetings and come with me? so another arguments happens.

so i got vex!!! so i told him to come and get all his **** out of my house (this is via phone) we were yelling at eachother..i was at the hospital and he said i was being irrational. let's talk about it later. i wasn't hearing it. i later text him to make sure he heard me when i said come get your **** by this weekend.

now he text me to say he is coming for his stuff.

i'm torn. on one hand i want to talk it out with him but on the other i feel that he isn't even fighting for me. you're just going to come and get your **** and not try and salvage the relationship?

any tips..advice for me? i need it..thanks,,,

p.s. he hasn't asked me how my last appt went either
 
Wow, I am sorry you are going through all of that including the loss of your baby. That is tough. Maybe he is having a hard time dealing with it. If you feel like overall he is a good guy and want to work things out, I would stop pushing him away when he can't drop everything to be by your side. You are probably experiencing the loss in more depth than he is. Do you have a counselor or close friend you can work through it with ?
 
From what I gather....ya'll have been together for a year and he still says *I* when talking about the future? :nono: You've been thru a traumatic miscarriage (assuming it was HIS baby) and he doesn't even ask how your appointment went? :nono:

Unless he's a young young man (like fresh out of college or something) he has a pretty good idea of how he sees HIS future and by his words and actions it doesn't look like he's including you in it. :sad:

Cut your losses and bounce he doesn't deserve you. :hug2:
 
I am so sorry for your loss. What you can do is just pray to God and then take care of your self. You have just gone through a tramatic experience. So many emotions are running and weighing on your heart and soul now. Please pray over this situation and give it to the Lord. The Lord will guide your steps just trust him. Seperate your self from the situation from your man just chill and pray. I have been where you are and I just say that when I prayed and gave it to God That Door Closed and God opened a new door. Be Blessed keep us updated on what Happens.

Lots of Love:hug2::flowers:
 
thanks for responding and for you kind and honest words.

it is his baby. we are both in our late 30's so him saying IIIIIIII instead of we doesn't sit well with me. we grown.

i do have a couple of friends to talk to and one of them offered to come by 2night..since he is coming for his stuff shortly i told her no. my other girlfriend is cool and supportive but i think i just need some time. it's been very hard for me.

maybe i'm scared of it really coming to an end. as you mentioned i will just pray on it.
 
I am soooo sorry for you loss. I will keep you in my prayers.

Question - did dude talk about settling down and marrying you before or during your pregnancy? Or has he always been kinda self centered?

I can only imagine what you are going through, especially since the loss of your baby and possible loss of your relationship are really weighing on you. But I think you may be expecting him to treat you like his wife/queen, when his actions have made it clear that he doesnt view you that way. Yes, in a ideal world, he should treat you with respect and drop everything to ensure that you are OK, in light of what you're going through, but unfortunately, sometimes it takes situtations like this to show you exactly where you stand with someone. I would let him get his stuff and move on.
 
Sorry for your loss, no one should ever have to endure that pain. However, this may be a blessing in disguise. God is revealing something to you, this man didn't handle the situation the way you thought he should, so now you can either stay and deal or let him go and move on. What if you didn't have the complications and he was "working" when you were about to deliver?
 
poetist said:
I am soooo sorry for you loss. I will keep you in my prayers.

Question - did dude talk about settling down and marrying you before or during your pregnancy? Or has he always been kinda self centered?

.
Click to expand...

he did...not me..he brought up us getting married and talked about it alot. he also spoke to an elderly woman about sustaining a long term relationship and what it takes & how we should go about making it work for us. was he just talking ****?

this situation has been really tough. it just doesn't change overnight. i still have to wear big clothes..can't fit in anything. (i was only 3mths but got big quickly and didn't get a chance to tell anyone)

in any case:
he just left here...& his stuff remains. we had a chat about things..and how he viewed the situation and the fact that i expected him to drop everything last minute with no notice and how can i say he doesn;t care from that one incident.

we have communications problems to deal with..more about me shutting down.

we work together on a lot of projects and have an event 2morrow that we've been working on. this makes things real difficult as well.

i'm majorly torn/confused and perhaps i need to take some time to think.

i appreciate every single feedback and advice, prayer. thank you.
 
He is showing you how he's going to treat you *if* you are together in the future. If someone I dearly loved was in desperate medical need I would drop everything to be with them. Screw a job you can always find another job. If he is acting like this now do you think he's going to do anything differently the next time. Actions speak louder than words and he is showing you exactly what he is about and what he cares about.
 
You've both been through a very traumatic experience. I think some counseling might be a good idea to help you both figure out the situation and if you want to continue on.
 
I have an opinion but it's not the same as most i've seen here.

This is a blunt post and I don't mean to offend.

You have just been through a traumatic experience and your hormones are probably all over the place. It takes awhile for your HCG level to come back to earth and when it crashes back down to it's non-pregnancy level, so can you.

First of all, let me give you my disclaimer:

I'm not saying you should settle, stay in an unhappy relationship, expect less than you deserve etc.

But, I've noticed on this board (not to discredit anyone else's opinions) that folks are SUPER ready to write folks off. I mean if a friend does ANYTHING wrong they say "girl, I'd never stay friends with such and such, they gotta go" - even if you've known the girl for 30 years and it was a minor infraction. Or if your're man makes one mistake that is not that major, they'll still say girl if that was MY man, I'd not put up with that you need to get rid of him stat (in many cases these women are single). :perplexed

One thing I know about most men is that they do not handle sickness, hospitals or doctors well. It's hard to make a man go to the doctor for self. They tend to go for emergency purposes for those they love but follow-up appointments after they are certain you are going to be okay...well...most don't think it's necessary that they be present for all of our OBGYN visit.

Have you ever noticed that expressing yourself to a man emotionally is different than with a woman. Women will let you vent and listen because they know you just need to "talk" sometimes but if you try that with a man...what do they do? They tell you how to fix it. They tell you to do something about it or shut up. Why? Because they don't work like us. I think that's why things like this for them are frustrating and something to be avoided - because they have no control over these things and they feel helpless that they cannot fix it and make you feel better.

I understand that you wanted your man to be there but I just don't get that, "he doesn't care about me" vibe from what you typed. He's been through a traumatic experience too and people forget that men, if they care, go through their own emotional process when it comes to a loss but seldom is anyone there to "comfort" them because we get all the attention since it was "our" bodies that went through the stress of the miscarriage.

Also, I think it was selfish for you to tell him the morning of and really expect him to drop his meeting plans. Were they for work? Or for school? Or extracurricular. Meetings often involved other people. He should have cancelled his meeting (other people had planned to) to come to a follow up visit with you? It was a follow up. I mean I KNOW it was important to go to. I've miscarried before and it was SO painful and hurtful but I did go to some post appointments by myself and I didn't make my husband feel bad for not going. I just didn't feel like he HAD to be there. The worst was over and if I needed to cry, he was there for me when I got home.

I think you're being to harsh with him if this is a first offense. If he is routinely self-centered then you are probably doing the right thing by leaving but if this is the first time he's exhibited these types of behaviors, then I think your jumping the gun.

Also in regards to the I or we when it comes to discussions. Sometimes men say "I" as a way to gauge where there relationship is. Almost like a test. When he say I, maybe (MAYBE) he was waiting to see how YOU felt about the future. Do you say "we" or do you say "I" when you discuss the furuture. Have you discussed marriage? Have you talked about LONG TERM goals. Does he know you want those things?

You say he has talked about marriage? That doesn't sound like "I" in the future. :perplexed

I think he probably does care about you and that you are just hormonal and emotional and that you need some time to deal with your loss. He needs some time too.

We are bad at pushing our men away when they do something we don't understand rather than trying to work things out. A year is not forever but it's long enough to try to fix it if you really want to.

Only you know in your gut what the right answer is. What does your gut tell you?

And for Godsake, stop cursing at each other. A screaming cursing match is not how you talk to a loved one, not even in anger. :nono:
 
Last edited:
Oh...Adequate...I agree 100% with what you wrote :yep:

Some of these women are like "leave him asap" :grin:

If you're going to spend your life with someone, things like these will happen and you need to find a way to move on together...

And A. is right about the hormones rushing around in your body creating all kinds of crazy!
Cut him some slack... :) Life is long and this is just a small part of it. You'll get through this one too :yep:
 
adequate said:
I have an opinion but it's not the same as most i've seen here.

This is a blunt post and I don't mean to offend.

You have just been through a traumatic experience and your hormones are probably all over the place. It takes awhile for your HCG level to come back to earth and when it crashes back down to it's non-pregnancy level, so can you.

First of all, let me give you my disclaimer:

I'm not saying you should settle, stay in an unhappy relationship, expect less than you deserve etc.

But, I've noticed on this board (not to discredit anyone else's opinions) that folks are SUPER ready to write folks off. I mean if a friend does ANYTHING wrong they say "girl, I'd never stay friends with such and such, they gotta go" - even if you've known the girl for 30 years and it was a minor infraction. Or if your're man makes one mistake that is not that major, they'll still say girl if that was MY man, I'd not put up with that you need to get rid of him stat (in many cases these women are single). :perplexed

One thing I know about most men is that they do not handle sickness, hospitals or doctors well. It's hard to make a man go to the doctor for self. They tend to go for emergency purposes for those they love but follow-up appointments after they are certain you are going to be okay...well...most don't think it's necessary that they be present for all of our OBGYN visit.

Have you ever noticed that expressing yourself to a man emotionally is different than with a woman. Women will let you vent and listen because they know you just need to "talk" sometimes but if you try that with a man...what do they do? They tell you how to fix it. They tell you to do something about it or shut up. Why? Because they don't work like us. I think that's why things like this for them are frustrating and something to be avoided - because they have no control over these things and they feel helpless that they cannot fix it and make you feel better.

I understand that you wanted your man to be there but I just don't get that, "he doesn't care about me" vibe from what you typed. He's been through a traumatic experience too and people forget that men, if they care, go through their own emotional process when it comes to a loss but seldom is anyone there to "comfort" them because we get all the attention since it was "our" bodies that went through the stress of the miscarriage.

Also, I think it was selfish for you to tell him the morning of and really expect him to drop his meeting plans. Were they for work? Or for school? Or extracurricular. Meetings often involved other people. He should have cancelled his meeting (other people had planned to) to come to a follow up visit with you? It was a follow up. I mean I KNOW it was important to go to. I've miscarried before and it was SO painful and hurtful but I did go to some post appointments by myself and I didn't make my husband feel bad for not going. I just didn't feel like he HAD to be there. The worst was over and if I needed to cry, he was there for me when I got home.

I think you're being to harsh with him if this is a first offense. If he is routinely self-centered then you are probably doing the right thing by leaving but if this is the first time he's exhibited these types of behaviors, then I think your jumping the gun.

Also in regards to the I or we when it comes to discussions. Sometimes men say "I" as a way to gauge where there relationship is. Almost like a test. When he say I, maybe (MAYBE) he was waiting to see how YOU felt about the future. Do you say "we" or do you say "I" when you discuss the furuture. Have you discussed marriage? Have you talked about LONG TERM goals. Does he know you want those things?

You say he has talked about marriage? That doesn't sound like "I" in the future. :perplexed

I think he probably does care about you and that you are just hormonal and emotional and that you need some time to deal with your loss. He needs some time too.

We are bad at pushing our men away when they do something we don't understand rather than trying to work things out. A year is not forever but it's long enough to try to fix it if you really want to.

Only you know in your gut what the right answer is. What does your gut tell you?
Click to expand...


I not only enjoyed reading this post, I agree with the advice she's offering you OP. I think you may be making this decision at the wrong time(hormones). Plus, he's had a loss as well and may be grieving in his own way. I'd say wait it out a bit longer. I'm really sorry for your loss though and hope you find a way through this.
 
I don't think your head was right at the time ya'll were doing all this fighting. I also think you shouldn't have gotten mad that you didn't give him sufficient notice about going to the followup appointment/doctor. Sorry in the real adult world folks do have things they can't just drop due to personal situations that one adult could possibly handle alone. It sucks what went down but it happens to many of us!

If your having second thoughts its because I think deep down inside your aware you were acting a lil irrational but its understandable under your circumstances. I know there is no "i" in we but you guys haven't gotten to the we yet so its all about what I need to do to advance my life until I get to we status. Come on now who in their right mind is going to plan their life around someone else that isn't their spouse?


I hope you guys can get pass this lil episode as well as grow from it no matter what happens to the both of you.
 
Adequate. are you a nurse?

i've been taking tests at the hospital and it shows that i am still pregnant...and i have to go weekly to be checked until it shows that i am not. long story short i still have some "conception" in my utereus. it's messed up.

i agree with everything that you wrote. EVERYThing. and i appreciate everyone else's opinions as well.

i do think that i was being irrational and all he asks from me is to talk to him not AT him. it's been tough. and i love him so i will work on us handling rough patches better. he is willing to work on it and so am i.

thanks so much everyone...i will let you know how things progress in then next little while.
 
Sweetg said:
Adequate. are you a nurse?

i've been taking tests at the hospital and it shows that i am still pregnant...and i have to go weekly to be checked until it shows that i am not. long story short i still have some "conception" in my utereus. it's messed up.

i agree with everything that you wrote. EVERYThing. and i appreciate everyone else's opinions as well.

i do think that i was being irrational and all he asks from me is to talk to him not AT him. it's been tough. and i love him so i will work on us handling rough patches better. he is willing to work on it and so am i.

thanks so much everyone...i will let you know how things progress in then next little while.
Click to expand...

A dear friend of mine also lost her baby and she was still showing up pregnant. It takes a while but the hormone will eventually go down.
 
Sweetg said:
Adequate. are you a nurse?

i've been taking tests at the hospital and it shows that i am still pregnant...and i have to go weekly to be checked until it shows that i am not. long story short i still have some "conception" in my utereus. it's messed up.

i agree with everything that you wrote. EVERYThing. and i appreciate everyone else's opinions as well.

i do think that i was being irrational and all he asks from me is to talk to him not AT him. it's been tough. and i love him so i will work on us handling rough patches better. he is willing to work on it and so am i.

thanks so much everyone...i will let you know how things progress in then next little while.
Click to expand...

I'm sure it will work out :bighug:
 
adequate said:
I have an opinion but it's not the same as most i've seen here.

This is a blunt post and I don't mean to offend.

You have just been through a traumatic experience and your hormones are probably all over the place. It takes awhile for your HCG level to come back to earth and when it crashes back down to it's non-pregnancy level, so can you.

First of all, let me give you my disclaimer:

I'm not saying you should settle, stay in an unhappy relationship, expect less than you deserve etc.

But, I've noticed on this board (not to discredit anyone else's opinions) that folks are SUPER ready to write folks off. I mean if a friend does ANYTHING wrong they say "girl, I'd never stay friends with such and such, they gotta go" - even if you've known the girl for 30 years and it was a minor infraction. Or if your're man makes one mistake that is not that major, they'll still say girl if that was MY man, I'd not put up with that you need to get rid of him stat (in many cases these women are single). :perplexed

One thing I know about most men is that they do not handle sickness, hospitals or doctors well. It's hard to make a man go to the doctor for self. They tend to go for emergency purposes for those they love but follow-up appointments after they are certain you are going to be okay...well...most don't think it's necessary that they be present for all of our OBGYN visit.

Have you ever noticed that expressing yourself to a man emotionally is different than with a woman. Women will let you vent and listen because they know you just need to "talk" sometimes but if you try that with a man...what do they do? They tell you how to fix it. They tell you to do something about it or shut up. Why? Because they don't work like us. I think that's why things like this for them are frustrating and something to be avoided - because they have no control over these things and they feel helpless that they cannot fix it and make you feel better.

I understand that you wanted your man to be there but I just don't get that, "he doesn't care about me" vibe from what you typed. He's been through a traumatic experience too and people forget that men, if they care, go through their own emotional process when it comes to a loss but seldom is anyone there to "comfort" them because we get all the attention since it was "our" bodies that went through the stress of the miscarriage.

Also, I think it was selfish for you to tell him the morning of and really expect him to drop his meeting plans. Were they for work? Or for school? Or extracurricular. Meetings often involved other people. He should have cancelled his meeting (other people had planned to) to come to a follow up visit with you? It was a follow up. I mean I KNOW it was important to go to. I've miscarried before and it was SO painful and hurtful but I did go to some post appointments by myself and I didn't make my husband feel bad for not going. I just didn't feel like he HAD to be there. The worst was over and if I needed to cry, he was there for me when I got home.

I think you're being to harsh with him if this is a first offense. If he is routinely self-centered then you are probably doing the right thing by leaving but if this is the first time he's exhibited these types of behaviors, then I think your jumping the gun.

Also in regards to the I or we when it comes to discussions. Sometimes men say "I" as a way to gauge where there relationship is. Almost like a test. When he say I, maybe (MAYBE) he was waiting to see how YOU felt about the future. Do you say "we" or do you say "I" when you discuss the furuture. Have you discussed marriage? Have you talked about LONG TERM goals. Does he know you want those things?

You say he has talked about marriage? That doesn't sound like "I" in the future. :perplexed

I think he probably does care about you and that you are just hormonal and emotional and that you need some time to deal with your loss. He needs some time too.

We are bad at pushing our men away when they do something we don't understand rather than trying to work things out. A year is not forever but it's long enough to try to fix it if you really want to.

Only you know in your gut what the right answer is. What does your gut tell you?

And for Godsake, stop cursing at each other. A screaming cursing match is not how you talk to a loved one, not even in anger. :nono:
Click to expand...

This is on point. Great post, adequate ! :goodpost:
 
Sweetg said:
Adequate. are you a nurse?

i've been taking tests at the hospital and it shows that i am still pregnant...and i have to go weekly to be checked until it shows that i am not. long story short i still have some "conception" in my utereus. it's messed up.

i agree with everything that you wrote. EVERYThing. and i appreciate everyone else's opinions as well.

i do think that i was being irrational and all he asks from me is to talk to him not AT him. it's been tough. and i love him so i will work on us handling rough patches better. he is willing to work on it and so am i.

thanks so much everyone...i will let you know how things progress in then next little while.
Click to expand...

No. I'm not. But, I AM a sponge. Anything I've experience personally I tend to know a lot about because I look up a lot and study a lot and commit a lot of things to memory. I can be randomly sitting on the couch thinking, how does such and such work and I'll go find the source of my answer before I wonder too long.

Having been through a pregnancy myself and miscarried it actually does not take that long for HCG levels to get back to normal in most cases. However, if you have remnants of a miscarriage or the doctors failed to preform a clean D&C to make sure all pregnancy material was removed, you can continue to have elevated levels until the rest of that pregnancy is removed and bleeding can also continue because your body is trying to flush it out.

There is a chance that you can get pregnant again within 4-6 weeks of delivery.

I know this for a fact because I have two brothers born in the same year. One born in January and one born in November of that same year. :spinning:

So do keep up with your appointments. You haven't had sex since your miscarriage have you?
 
I agree with Adequate.

I think the relationship is worth saving. He sounds like a decent guy. And perhaps he is having a hard time coping with things too. That should in no way diminish what you are going through. But it may explain some of his seemingly distant behavior. God bless you and I hope that everything turns out good for you two :yep:
 
Sweetg, I am so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you agree with what Adequate said. . . she's definately on point.


When I miscarried a few years ago, I was visibly, emotionally, mentally and physically drained for some time- I was hormonal, irrational, irratable, and overly sensitive to everything. Poor DH caught the worst of it. I can remember being so mad at him for not feeling what I was feeling, for not being visibly upset like I was, for seeming so unaffected. One night he finally told me to shut up and listen to him for a change- he told me that it hurt him too, he told me that he wasn't okay with it, but that his was of coping was to just not talk about it. He said that he felt so helpless knowing that his child was gone and that his wife was in pain, but he couldn't do anything to fix either of the situations and he was frustrated because even when he was trying to be there to comfort me he couldn't because I just kept pushing him away, so he stepped back. While I was crying and acting crazy, getting all this support from my family and church, the poor man was being ignored and had been internalizing everything.:perplexed

Just because he doesn't react in the same way that you do, it doesn't mean that he's not hurting inside or that he doesn't love you, it simply means that he's a man. Sometimes the differences that make our relationships so fulfilling, can also make them the most frustrating. My advice is to take the time that you, your body, and relationship need. It'll take time for the pain to go away for the both of you, it'll take time for you two to get back into the rhythm of things, and it'll take time before you feel comfortable resuming the more intimate aspects of your relationship. Try going to a councelor or a church advisor to talk about your loss and do whatever you need to in order get the closure you need. And please try not make any big decisions while you're in such an emotionally vunerable state-for both your and your SO's sake.
 
I totally agree with Adequate and Starr.

Sit down and talk with him about how he is feeling because I can almost guarantee that he is hurting right now.
 
he has said to me that he can never feel what i am feeling or what i am going through but he emphatizes (sp) with me and wish he could do more. but he didn't know what he could do. this was before the blow up.

i came on here with my problem initially because my girls were just agreeing with what i was saying/doing & not really being objective.

you ladies mos def enlightened me to see it differently...i was really & honestly just thinking about myself.

i will just take the time i need and i know he will understand until we can resume life the way it was.
 
Sweetg said:
he has said to me that he can never feel what i am feeling or what i am going through but he emphatizes (sp) with me and wish he could do more. but he didn't know what he could do. this was before the blow up.

i came on here with my problem initially because my girls were just agreeing with what i was saying/doing & not really being objective.

you ladies mos def enlightened me to see it differently...i was really & honestly just thinking about myself.

i will just take the time i need and i know he will understand until we can resume life the way it was.
Click to expand...

Make sure you give us an update as things progress. We're pulling for both of you. :yep:
 
I'm sorry for your loss, but I wouldn't say he doesn't care! Sometimes we have prior engagements that are not so hard to get out of at the last minute. I'm sure if you had communicated the appointment to him ahead of time, he could have prepared and made arrangements to postpone his meetings. I think you are dealing with your loss in a different wy then he is dealing with it.

Men react to pain and loss differently than women. I'm sure he cares for you and is mourning also and doesn't know how to comfort you that suits you at this time. You are probably pushing him away because of hurt and he doesn't know what to do. He probably thinks nothing at this point would satisfy you. He probably feels you need time to cool down and such. I think once you have time to gather your thoughts, things will work out for the two of you.
 
Sweetg said:
he has said to me that he can never feel what i am feeling or what i am going through but he emphatizes (sp) with me and wish he could do more. but he didn't know what he could do. this was before the blow up.

i came on here with my problem initially because my girls were just agreeing with what i was saying/doing & not really being objective.

you ladies mos def enlightened me to see it differently...i was really & honestly just thinking about myself.

i will just take the time i need and i know he will understand until we can resume life the way it was.
Click to expand...

I'm so glad you are reconsidering. I went through this as well years ago and the only advice I can give you is to let the wall down. Be vulnerable. Men can be great protectors, even emotionally, when we let them. Look into his eyes and tell him you love him, and how sad and scared you are and how much you need him and his love, and I would suspect the man that you are looking for is already there.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Endlesslegs
I think I did the right thing...but why doesnt it feel like it?
2
Replies
32
Views
669
Endlesslegs
Endlesslegs
A
Am I shallow-MAN DRAMA!
Replies
6
Views
281
*~Mocha~*
M
RUBY
  • Poll Poll
Should I call him?
2
Replies
38
Views
1K
Thiends
T
giigii613
Did He Stop Talking To Me Because I Borrowed Money?
2 3
Replies
76
Views
3K
Damaris.Elle
Damaris.Elle
S
I Know I Am Not Tripping.
3 4 5
Replies
124
Views
4K
Damaris.Elle
Damaris.Elle
Back
Top