Ladies involved with white men, do they "get" racism?

[Glib Gurl]

So I was talking with Dutch Chocolate and he remarked that he thought I was "too sensitive" about race issues. Now, I admit that I am like Chris Rock . . . always looking for the racism in different situations, like "Where it at? Where it at?" and told him as much. So I can admit that. But I'm wondering if he is blind to the subtleties of racism because he is, well, white? Sometimes it's harder to "prove" racism still exists because it is so much more underground than it was in the past - it's not like there are people burning crosses in front of my lawn. But there are people making insulting/insensitive comments, treating me with far less respect than my white counterparts, and other small acts that ultimately add up quite a bit.

I'm wondering - ladies who are with white men . . . do they "get it" as far as racism goes? If so, did they come with this knowledge in tact or did you have to teach them? Or did it come through the experience of you all being together (i.e., getting looks/comments)?

Discuss!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Some do, some don't. My ex did not 'get it' and he was a republican. The guy before him was more liberal and got it to an extent, but would still talk about someone being too sensitive. You're never going to get the same amount of understanding.

This guy I'm dating now, he is incredibly understanding even though he isn't black (he is Indian). We were talking about something race related and I was shocked that he agreed with me. Then again, he acknowledges the racism of his own people and in turn can see racism in others and how it affects a society overall. I think this might be the case with non-white minority men.

 

[Bunny77]

My dude surprisingly gets it... he says he may not be able to understand it personally, but he's open to listening and understanding it from my point of view, since I have a different life experience because of my race.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

All the white guys Ive dated get it and are sometimes more passionate about it than i am

 

[Keen]

You usually "get" whatever you're expecting. If you're dating a white guy and you're just waiting for him to "get" racist, you will probably find something he say to meet that criteria.

 

[kbragg]

He doesn't quite "get it" but I'm ok with that. At first I wasn't and would press the issue as if someone I wanted him to somehow share in the struggle. It was a pride thing and the Lord showed me that. Heck there are MANY things I go through as a woman that he REALLY doesn't get...like how is it possible to want someone to get the heck away from you yet want them to hug and kiss you at the same time? Darn PMS Men tend to be very ALL or NOTHING in their thinking about stuff where are women are a lot more versatile IMO.

When I say he doesn't get it, I mean he doesn't get the more highly covert type of stuff but he is becoming more aware. Even in his own family where a couple of "well meaning" relatives were concerned about our children not "having a color"

The longer we're together and the LESS I press an issue, the more he picks up on it. Seems he gets a lot more stuff when I keep my mouth shut

Anyway after some drama DH and I decided that there is a certain point in convo where we just agree to disagree. Heck DH actually called me on some stuff TODAY that left me DD is wanting to go out for Volleyball but she is very timid. Her school is multicultural (which is actually great for our kids lol since most of the students are Hispanic or Middle Eastern - whites are majority but barely aka most of them are all the same shade of brown etc.) and I told her that she was going to have to toughen up especially when they start playing some of the black schools.

DH gave me the Samuel L Jackson look and was like "Don't teach her that!" I was like I mean "we" all know that we run sports but DH commented that it actually is a negative stereotype. Nothing wrong when taking pride in something we excel in but at the same time, it imposes a stereotype that sports and music is ALL black people are good at

So he gets it, and will surely give (and has given at work) people hell for talking racist crap around him, and will prolly kill someone if they directed it at any of us.

Of course he has race issues about "us" too and that's uncomfortable. Meaning that he hates being treated like an "exception" by his black coworkers. He hates being looked at as "the white man" by his black coworkers until they learn about me and the kids, then all of a sudden he's the "cool white dude." I tried to explain WHY but he just doesn't get it and truly I do understand where he comes from as many of us on the forum know what it's like to be seen as "the exception" among whites.

So anywho he gets it on the person by person level but not on the more highly covert political and social levels, therefore we just don't go there.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ in my dating life...some do, some don't....personally I could handle someone who didn't get it, but was understanding about my sensitivity and analysis of race. What I couldn't hang with is some one pushing the "color blind" thing. Sorry, we do not live in a color blind society and someone constantly questioning my lived experience would get on my last nerve.

BTW I know a couple of black women who dated white guys who didn't like black people...they dated my friends because they were "exceptions".... And that doesn't say much for these ladies either, unfortunately...

 

[chicitygirl]

I'm sorry, the second a white man that calls himself dating me tells me I'm "too sensitive" about race issues is the last time he'll ever see my black arse. Seriously. How is he, a white man, qualified to say you're not entitled to be concerned about or have an acute awareness of something you have to deal with on a daily basis? Ugh, that would be a huge turnoff for me.

I've never dated a white guy, so take that for what it's worth. I'm completely open to it, but wouldn't be able to deal with one that made a comment like that or didn't at least try to understand the struggle of minorities without saying something condescending.

 

[Whimsy]

My guy gets it. As for lookin for the racism in situations: We're BOTH like Chris Rock in that way, glib lol. And SO may not be looking for it, but he gets it and when i tell him some random story about something that happens he knows where it comes from and would never write it off as me being too sensitive.

 

[Michelle1971]

Yes, my DH "gets it".
The longer we are together, the more he sees things but he was never completely blind to it either. He hasn't ever said that I am too sensitive to race issues though. I don't know if I could be with someone who felt that way.

 

[Christelyn]

I say my guy gets it...somewhat. But, I personally don't dwell on it. The racism may be there, but I don't jump to it and let it boil over. One thing my father taught me is to kill people with your kindness, intellect and godliness and you'll often see how quickly those prone to prejudice flip the script. And if they don't, I KIM. No skin off my nose. I'm happy, love my husband and family, so that's all that matters. I could care less what others say. But...I guess it helps that I live in an area of S.CAL that's got quite a few interracial couples.

The key is, IMHO, DON'T LOOK FOR THE RACISM. It may be there, but...so what? Take the opportunity to let your light shine. If they're still not open? K.I.M.

 

[femmemuscle]

as i've entered into this socio-economic strata, at home and the work-place, i've learned that the higher the classes, the less they "get it", and they actually could care less. The cultures i work with from India, white, iranian, russian - when they notice a situation that is blatantly racist, they "discuss" it over cocktails, shake their heads and bring up another topic. Of course in the company of another black person - they avoid it altogether.

My SO sees it, understands it, and just like the rest of the rich geeks/nerds, avoids it all costs. People who are born priviledged have absolutely no idea about fighting for rights or discrimination. why? because the color of green (money) opens plenty of doors. This i've observed and accepted.

 

[Christelyn]

as i've entered into this socio-economic strata, at home and the work-place, i've learned that the higher the classes, the less they "get it", and they actually could care less. The cultures i work with from India, white, iranian, russian - when they notice a situation that is blatantly racist, they "discuss" it over cocktails, shake their heads and bring up another topic. Of course in the company of another black person - they avoid it altogether.

My SO sees it, understands it, and just like the rest of the rich geeks/nerds, avoids it all costs. People who are born priviledged have absolutely no idea about fighting for rights or discrimination. why? because the color of green (money) opens plenty of doors. This i've observed and accepted.

My husband, whose family is from this same.."strata" is exactly how you describe. So, I tend to agree with your analysis.

 

[GaiasDaughter24]

My ex didn't "get it" until we discussed it . He had his own hang ups from bad experiences and his father. He NEVER thought he'd date a blac girl.We'd discuss it because he'd want to.He got it when I compared it to his people. He's Jewish.

Now, my DH is only JUST getting it and he's mullato, go figure.He was very sheltered as a child. I think it really hit them (the family) when his little brother was called a ****** about 2 years ago in school.

 

[SleekyHair]

Some do, some don't. My ex did not 'get it' and he was a republican. The guy before him was more liberal and got it to an extent, but would still talk about someone being too sensitive. You're never going to get the same amount of understanding.

This guy I'm dating now, he is incredibly understanding even though he isn't black (he is Indian). We were talking about something race related and I was shocked that he agreed with me. Then again, he acknowledges the racism of his own people and in turn can see racism in others and how it affects a society overall. I think this might be the case with non-white minority men.

This has been my IR dating experience. I've had an easier time discussing race, racism and culture with the non-white minority men I've dated. I think some white men have a harder time fully understanding racism since they don't experience it (especially if they come from affluent families).

 

[Whimsy]

This has been my IR dating experience. I've had an easier time discussing race, racism and culture with the non-white minority men I've dated. I think some white men have a harder time fully understanding racism since they don't experience it (especially if they come from affluent families).

That may be very true in some cases, but I think in a lot of cases it's more of a practiced ignorance, than actual difficulty in fully understanding.

I've had very open racial discussions with white men who are just acquaintances from work or wherever and it seems the ones who find it harder to "get it" are either practicing ignorance, or being dismissive because the topic is uncomfortable to them, OR just reiterating things they've heard their parents or whoever say, instead of thinking for themselves. If you're a grown man and don't understand the role race plays in America, you're either seriously stupid or pretending to be IMO.

I'm so grateful that my SO "gets it" and is such an open mind. I'm also grateful that he "got it" way before I came into his life, I would hate to have to be the one to teach him about race in america. (actually i wouldn't be with him if that was the case, I don't want to be somebody's blacklife tutor lol)

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Some do get it, some don't. The thing for me is, a guy never gets to the point of being my man if I can't see that he gets it. If there is a sliver of doubt about his awareness of the role race plays in this society, he's simply not an option for me.

That is one great thing about DH... he gets it. Not being white can sometimes make it easier for a person to "see" racism... but you'd be surprised how many non-white folks in this country are heavily invested in pretending racism against black people doesn't exist or is even merited! SMDH.

 

[Bachelorette]

Question is how do you girls know they actually "get it" and not just saying things to appease you

Almost a thin line I'd think

If any of you in IRs can explain further or give examples, that would be cool

 

[Bunny77]

Question is how do you girls know they actually "get it" and not just saying things to appease you

Almost a thin line I'd think

If any of you in IRs can explain further or give examples, that would be cool

In a past relationship, we went to a restaurant and noticed that other couples that were seated later than us were getting service first.

The guy got up, asked for the manager and complained to him that we had been there first and that he noticed others being attended to first. He said he expected to see a waiter/waitress at our table ASAP or we would be complaining to a much higher level.

He pointed out to me that he thought my race might have had something to do with it.


In the current SO's case, I mentioned that I was often confused by white men for another BW who is in my field. He said, "They should know better than that. It's pretty lazy on their parts because they are only classifying you by color, when they wouldn't do that with other white people. They're failing to recognize you as a person."

 

[Glib Gurl]

Now, my DH is only JUST getting it and he's mullato, go figure.He was very sheltered as a child. I think it really hit them (the family) when his little brother was called a ****** about 2 years ago in school.

 

[LovinLocks]

I'm wondering - ladies who are with white men . . . do they "get it" as far as racism goes? If so, did they come with this knowledge in tact or did you have to teach them? Or did it come through the experience of you all being together (i.e., getting looks/comments)?

Discuss!

Yeah he gets it. You see, he succombed to his "jungle fever" years ago. His last wife was Black (and boy did she rake him over the coals, another story, 'nother time). Before her he has been involved with all sorts of people of color including Jamaican and Haitian. I guess one of dem hipped him to what's up; that and simply living.

 

[LovinLocks]

Almost a thin line I'd think. If any of you in IRs can explain further or give examples, that would be cool

Hmmm, good question, good question. How do I know . . . hmmmmmmm . . .???

This dude has lots of time on his hands and opinions to match. So I know from the myriads of conversations that we have had relative to this topic. He's even discussed the plight of his ancestors when they first arrived from Italy. I recall one of his stories is of people assuming they (he and his last wife) were Dominican (which of course they are not, he = Italian she = regular ole Black woman). Oh, and there was another time when some evangelists were at their door and the guy immediately starts speaking Spanish. Apparently, she just looks at dude and when she explains no habla espanol he goes into shock that she isn't bi-lingual.

 

[Whimsy]

Question is how do you girls know they actually "get it" and not just saying things to appease you

Almost a thin line I'd think

If any of you in IRs can explain further or give examples, that would be cool

LOL if we play this game, then how does a person know anything....?

But I hear you, and speaking from my situation, I hear him in debates with people when he assumes I'm not in earshot, discussing things like the current state of strategic segregation and...to put it lightly..."the man holding black folk down" and I know his views, his heart and where he stands.

He gets the fact that to a certain degree it's personal drive, and to a certain degree it's a system set up for black folk to have to work 9000 times as hard for certain things. I've heard him on the phone discussing the racism and shuckinjivin on tv/movies with his mother of all people, while i was twisting my hair in the next room. It was the first time I heard him talking about the role TV plays in things, and after they were done we had a good talk about it.

He also gets the smaller things like me getting followed in a store, and him calling certain places instead of me so we can immediately get the result we need grin:

 

[chocolat79]

My ex "got it", but a little too much. He saw racism in MOST things whereas I didn't think things were as big a deal. It got us thrown out of a couple of restaurants and a few unpleasant experiences. He also had a temper, which is the other reason the above happened. He was crazy, but he "got it", LOL.

ETA: he came with knowledge in tact

 

[DarkVictory]

Question is how do you girls know they actually "get it" and not just saying things to appease you

Almost a thin line I'd think

If any of you in IRs can explain further or give examples, that would be cool

He warns me about acquaintances, service people, etc. who grin in my face but then talk trash about Black people when I'm out of the room.

DH was knowledgable about Black history, music, culture, etc. long before I came into his life. That's a big part of "getting it."

 

[ambergirl]

Question is how do you girls know they actually "get it" and not just saying things to appease you
Almost a thin line I'd think

If any of you in IRs can explain further or give examples, that would be cool

I would argue that most black folks are blessed with a racial BS detector so we are really good at reading how race is effecting a situation or someone's behavior.

He warns me about acquaintances, service people, etc. who grin in my face but then talk trash about Black people when I'm out of the room.

DH was knowledgable about Black history, music, culture, etc. long before I came into his life. That's a big part of "getting it."

One of my Ex's did the same. When we would go to parties and events sometimes people wouldn't know we were together. At first I was shocked at how many people talked **** about black people when I wasn't around but would then turn around and grin in my face. Now I just assume that dynamic is out there for some people and just roll with it.

 

[Lucie]

No, we don't. People often tell DH and I what a lovely couple we make. In all the 12 years we've been together we've only had one situation. An older black man told me to save myself before I gave birth to mutts. My DH was my fiancee at the time told the man where we could take his opinions and how he could get there. Perhaps my location (living in NY) has something to do with it as well.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

This is why I would NEVER date an Anglo man.
I am VERY racial.
Sorry, my love stems from compatiblility.
If I can't relate my culture, ancestral experiences, and systemic external situations with you, we just can't date.
Sorry.

 

[MD_Lady]

IME, white men have the capacity to "get" racism in the same way black men have the capacity to "get" sexism; it all depends on the person.

 

[hma128]

My SO also 'gets it' although he can never relate no matter how much time and effort he puts into trying to 'get it'. He's been around black people his whole life, has studied race and history in America and is overall very aware that racism is real. He hates it and he especially hates that I have to deal with it in my life. Sometimes it seems like he feels guilty about being white and tries to compensate but he definitely 'gets it'.