Is dating a man with a girlfriend/SO wrong?

[winterinatl]

Take him away? Wow... I didn't know women had that much power.

Poor, defenseless soul just didn't have a choice in the matter.

I said TRY Blossssom, and you know darn well some chicks do set out to TRY to take a man away.

 

[GoingNatural]

I just think. If you choose to date someone with a SO or girlfriend and they leave that person for you. Can you ever have trust in that person?

I mean what they do to their SO or girlfriend can be what will happen to you. And you can't be upset at all.

 

[winterinatl]

I wasn't talking about me, per se, but more in general. Refer to posts where I use the term "new girl". They shed a lot of light.

It has nothing to do with being the baddest anything. If a man who is 'supposedly' in a committed relationship decides to step outside of it, he bears a responsibility to his girlfriend; the new woman doesn't owe his girlfriend anything.

Anyone who is single has the right to date different people simultaneously. There's no moral law against that... not that I'm aware of.

I agree with this statement. It aint' always nice, but it is what it is. This is why I through a major fit when my sister's boyfriend gave her a promise ring and really wanted her to "promise". I'm like, promise what? You didnt get her an engagement ring wtf should she promise to you, when you will probably break that "promise" anyway?

Promise ring my foot. They boyfriend and girlfriend, until they get married. Period.

 

[e$h]

Been there done that. Not cool-IMO

 

[gone_fishing]

Wow, at this thread!

I would not date a man that had a girlfriend!

I would also not allow him to deceive me into believing it was not "that" serious with them. If they do not have a relationship with one another that is understood as being exclusive, then why call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. Why not just date openly. If he's just casually dating her (and they both have that understanding) then that is a different story.

A lot of men will give the "other" woman a laundry list of what is wrong with the original woman and why he is "stepping out" on her. However, if she were really that bad then why wouldn't he just leave her alone altogether. That's fishy to me. I do not think that I'm so above this original woman to think that he would treat me differently and I wouldn't flatter myself by assuming I must be better than her in some way.

Men don't respect us because we don't respect each other. Women need to bond the way men do. If we make them accountable for their actions and are loyal to one another as sisters they would not so easily pull the wool over our eyes.

A lot of woman think because a man says you are more understanding than his girlfriend that they must be better than that girl in some way. What they forget is that after the newness of a relationship has warn off and you are interlinking lives and sharing responsibility it will not seem as "carefree" as it did when you initially started dating. That doesn't mean you should be downright miserable in your relationship but you realize there is still life to live and bills to pay, issues to resolve and everything is not ALL fun and games and sex like it once was. Therefore, anything NEW may SEEM like greener pastures because you may constantly be trying to get that "new high" that comes with a new person but when that wears off for him he'll be looking for another "other" woman.

Who wants that for themselves.

I think women who chase after or entertain another woman's man has low self-esteem or she's just competitive by nature. Perhaps she feels some high or feels superior to this woman (even if she hasn't met her) if she can snag her man.

What is the condition of someone's soul who lives their lives that way. And Karma will surely see that whatever energy you put into the world is returned to you and I do not want any of that type of Karma.

That said I agree that the man has a responsibility to his woman. He is ultimately responsible for his actions if he takes on another woman.

But I can't imagine myself on an intimate date with a man who has a girlfriend. I just can't see it. I see me in her. She's my sister even if I don't know her. I would invision her sitting at home wiating for her man to call KNOWING that he probably lied to her and said he was working late. Why do I want that kind of man in my life. That is an integrity violation and ladies, integrity does not change from person to person. You either have it, or you don't. If he's lying to her, it's just a matter of time before he lies to you to. What makes you think you're so much more special than his girlfriend that he'd really treat you any different?

 

[Blossssom]

I said TRY Blossssom, and you know darn well some chicks do set out to TRY to take a man away.

I know there are, but that's not my MO.

Again, read my post about "taking" men. You can't take something that willfully goes with you.

Funny, I was watching an episode of Judge Hatchett this morning. Of course, it was a DNA test episode, and the girlfriend ASSUMED she and the boyfriend were exclusive even though exclusivity had never been brought up! LOL!

Also, of course, the boyfriend said he never told her they were exclusive.

Big surprise.

Trust me, ladies, if you don't have the "talk" like another poster did before she and her hubby said "I do", men will carry this type of behavior on and leave you holding the emotional bag.

I've learned long enough THROUGH EXPERIENCE and through the experiences of others that you can never ASSUME anything.

As far as someone like me running into the wrong woman, I would tell her to confront him because I didn't promise you anything, and clearly he hasn't promised you anything or he wouldn't be out with someone else, but if he did promise you a committment off paper, then you have reason not to go any further instead of trying to beat some poor woman's brains out who is just as clueless as you.

 

[Country gal]

It depends if you want to be the jumpoff girl or side piece.

 

[Blossssom]

My mother also used to say this (her mother/my grandmother taught her this too--I think it's an old school philosophy), but she always taught us NEVER to date a man with a girlfriend/wife. She also said you don't have to cut all ties with a man that's not married, but if he's interested, let him come to you. And I agree with this philosophy. If he wants to be with me, he will dump her and then be with me.

I guess people are thinking it out more rationally now, but of course, there's no rational way to deal with an angry woman who thought she had something with a man and didn't

 

[Blossssom]

Yeah, that's how it was always presented to me as well. You don't have to go about creeping and what not, but they see nothing wrong with a friendly exchange of email addys to "keep in touch" - ya know? I'm not sure what the popular opinion is on that - but it's advice I'll never forget. Grams also said that until a man proposes marriage, or at least expresses SERIOUS intent to do so - never completely close my eyes to others. *shrugs* but that may just be old school...who knows.

But, Summer, that's just it...

No woman should allow a man to "creep" with her. As I said before, either he's openly dating me or he's not.

No 'the club just closed can I come through?' That's ridiculous and insane.

Trust me, if a man is calling you and taking you out on the regular, clearly his other women have to know that he sees other women and she shouldn't be bothered by it, because that SAME woman should also be out and about with other guys.

The problem comes in when a guy makes a verbal commitment, off the record, and then goes out and does something else. Those are usually the guys who who are looking for a BC, but not necessarily so.

The first married man I dated way back in my early 20s took me out as if his wife didn't even exist. In fact, all of them did. Did they tell me the truth about their marriages? NO! But the guy at my last law firm, the second married I was involved with, I knew he was married from the jump! I decided to go there, but that was an error on my part as well as his.

I know ladies with boyfriends don't want to hear this, but there are a lot of women who feel unless you have papers on a man, he's up for anybody to date. Got a problem? Don't tell me about it. TELL HIM!

 

[candy1214]

But, Summer, that's just it...

No woman should allow a man to "creep" with her. As I said before, either he's openly dating me or he's not.

No 'the club just closed can I come through?' That's ridiculous and insane.

Trust me, if a man is calling you and taking you out on the regular, clearly his other women have to know that he sees other women and she shouldn't be bothered by it, because that SAME woman should also be out and about with other guys.

The problem comes in when a guy makes a verbal commitment, off the record, and then goes out and does something else. Those are usually the guys who who are looking for a BC, but not necessarily so.

The first married man I dated way back in my early 20s took me out as if his wife didn't even exist. In fact, all of them did. Did they tell me the truth about their marriages? NO! But the guy at my last law firm, the second married I was involved with, I knew he was married from the jump! I decided to go there, but that was an error on my part as well as his.

I know ladies with boyfriends don't want to hear this, but there are a lot of women who feel unless you have papers on a man, he's up for anybody to date. Got a problem? Don't tell me about it. TELL HIM!

okay okay...i see where you are coming from now. and i partially agree...casually dating is cool. i know i've been taken out on dates by different men several nights of the week...i LOVE TO EAT!!

i'm not sleeping w/ any of them though since there is no commitment on either of our ends. long as you are 'creeping' w/ a guy, then go for it! dont sell yourself short by allowing yourself to be the 'sidepiece'. that's what i was assuming what you were saying at first.

 

[Blossssom]

That's a somewhat understandable philosophy, but when do you give up? Do you just keep being "friendly" to this man in hopes that he breaks up with his girlfriend so that he could be with you? Do you make passes at him? Do you come onto him; do you tell him you're in love with him?

I think that if a man is only interested in HIS woman, then the "other" woman shouldn't continue to pursue him just because he isn't married to his lady.

Absolutely not. No way. In that instance, I would tell him if his girlfriend thinks they are exclusive, he needs to keep it moving and when he's done with her, call me.

I wouldn't be saying anything to him. I don't do SECRECY!

 

[Blossssom]

@ the bolded, Grams ALSO said that "a man chases you - you don't go chasing after no man".

Gram is right on that, girl

Too many women chase men and look at 'em? Ha!

 

[Blossssom]

I wouldn't dae a guy with a girlfriend because I don't like to share. I don't put dating in the same catergory as being married. I think once a man decides to be just with you he is talking about getting married to you, making a real commitment. How is dating a woman for years and years a commitment? I think we as women settle for what we can get out of a man and men call themselves being with just you so he can continue to get whatever he is getting out of the relationship. If I ever had to be single again, I would even get serious with a man until he is really ready to settle down and give me his name. I'm not about to waste my time with a guy like that. People don't believe in friendly dating and courtship anymore. They will take a relationship however they can get it.

Amen!

I'm glad someone here has figured it out, because a lot of women out there just don't get it

 

[Blossssom]

I agree with this statement. It aint' always nice, but it is what it is. This is why I through a major fit when my sister's boyfriend gave her a promise ring and really wanted her to "promise". I'm like, promise what? You didnt get her an engagement ring wtf should she promise to you, when you will probably break that "promise" anyway?

Promise ring my foot. They boyfriend and girlfriend, until they get married. Period.

LOL! What did he promise? Heehee!

Yep, for many "couples" whatever happens before marrieage GOES... unless you've had the "talk".

So many women are scared to death to have the "talk" and tell a man what they want and what they expect, out of fear he'll take off. Well, what does THAT tell you?

They would prefer to "assume" oppose to communicating.

 

[Divine_Order]

I was talking with some of the ladies I go to school with a few days ago. Many of them said they would NOT date a married man but didn't find anything wrong with dating a man who has a girlfriend/SO. How do you feel about it?

I agree with your classmates. I wouldn't knowingly date a married man....but as far as men with a girlfriend, or baby mama.....I feel that's fair game! Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't try to make him leave whom ever he is with, but if he so happens to feel the need to persue me at a more serious level, so be it.

 

[Country gal]

Wow, at this thread!

I would not date a man that had a girlfriend!

I would also not allow him to deceive me into believing it was not "that" serious with them. If they do not have a relationship with one another that is understood as being exclusive, then why call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. Why not just date openly. If he's just casually dating her (and they both have that understanding) then that is a different story.

A lot of men will give the "other" woman a laundry list of what is wrong with the original woman and why he is "stepping out" on her. However, if she were really that bad then why wouldn't he just leave her alone altogether. That's fishy to me. I do not think that I'm so above this original woman to think that he would treat me differently and I wouldn't flatter myself by assuming I must be better than her in some way.

Men don't respect us because we don't respect each other. Women need to bond the way men do. If we make them accountable for their actions and are loyal to one another as sisters they would not so easily pull the wool over our eyes.

A lot of woman think because a man says you are more understanding than his girlfriend that they must be better than that girl in some way. What they forget is that after the newness of a relationship has warn off and you are interlinking lives and sharing responsibility it will not seem as "carefree" as it did when you initially started dating. That doesn't mean you should be downright miserable in your relationship but you realize there is still life to live and bills to pay, issues to resolve and everything is not ALL fun and games and sex like it once was. Therefore, anything NEW may SEEM like greener pastures because you may constantly be trying to get that "new high" that comes with a new person but when that wears off for him he'll be looking for another "other" woman.

Who wants that for themselves.

I think women who chase after or entertain another woman's man has low self-esteem or she's just competitive by nature. Perhaps she feels some high or feels superior to this woman (even if she hasn't met her) if she can snag her man.

What is the condition of someone's soul who lives their lives that way. And Karma will surely see that whatever energy you put into the world is returned to you and I do not want any of that type of Karma.

That said I agree that the man has a responsibility to his woman. He is ultimately responsible for his actions if he takes on another woman.

But I can't imagine myself on an intimate date with a man who has a girlfriend. I just can't see it. I see me in her. She's my sister even if I don't know her. I would invision her sitting at home wiating for her man to call KNOWING that he probably lied to her and said he was working late. Why do I want that kind of man in my life. That is an integrity violation and ladies, integrity does not change from person to person. You either have it, or you don't. If he's lying to her, it's just a matter of time before he lies to you to. What makes you think you're so much more special than his girlfriend that he'd really treat you any different?

A lot to chew on. Valid and good points.

 

[Blossssom]

okay okay...i see where you are coming from now. and i partially agree...casually dating is cool. i know i've been taken out on dates by different men several nights of the week...i LOVE TO EAT!!

i'm not sleeping w/ any of them though since there is no commitment on either of our ends. long as you are 'creeping' w/ a guy, then go for it! dont sell yourself short by allowing yourself to be the 'sidepiece'. that's what i was assuming what you were saying at first.

Oh thank you, Jesus! LOL!

I'm glad we do see where the other is coming from.

This is a hard topic for a lot of women. I'm not surprised that some ladies are frustrated by it all.

I just don't want ladies with boyfriends to assume anything. Have the talk like Quest did and take it from there.

If he steps out on that, you're better off letting him go.

That is all. As much as I would like to find a monogamous relationship, that is something that happens over time and in the meantime and in between time, I feel free to play the field, OPENLY, as long as the men I am dating are in the same position.

And how do I know they are in the same position? Because if he's in another position, I won't ever know who he is unless he's a liar!

If he's a liar, the girlfriend shouldn't step to me, but step to him because I ain't told you JACK!

 

[Sistaslick]

Is dating a man with a girlfriend/SO wrong?

For me, it would be wrong. If I'm into you that bad, I'm waiting until you are through with her. Why would I want a man who has a girlfriend or a significant other? When that girlfriend becomes a friend, and that significant other becomes an insignificant other then we can talk. True, they aren't married, but they have progressed to the level of relationship that is beyond casual in my opinion. I'm the type of woman who respects those kinds of things and would only deal with a man who respects those things as well. When one is dating, the options are open. But once you hit a status as a couple, if you still feel the need to spread your wings, why not just stay friends? Who wants to be the girlfriend of some man that is still considering himself open and free out on the market? What is that?

Other men and women may not see anything wrong with dating a man/woman who is in some kind relationship, and in their world it's alright I guess, but I don't deal with those kind of people.

 

[Blossssom]

I agree with your classmates. I wouldn't knowingly date a married man....but as far as men with a girlfriend, or baby mama.....I feel that's fair game! Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't try to make him leave whom ever he is with, but if he so happens to feel the need to persue me at a more serious level, so be it.

HELLO! LOL!

Naw, I'm not in the business of breaking up no happy home. Been there, done that... but I guess if I did it, it wasn't happy anyway

Thank you!

 

[Bunny77]

I think women who chase after or entertain another woman's man has low self-esteem or she's just competitive by nature. Perhaps she feels some high or feels superior to this woman (even if she hasn't met her) if she can snag her man.

Adequate, I agreed with your entire post, but wanted to focus on the above.

I knew a woman who said EXACTLY what you stated above... she said she "used to" like to go for men who had GFs and even wives because she liked the feeling of knowing that even though this man had someone, he chose to be with HER over his partner at that moment in time.

Never mind that it was just for sex or whatever, she got a high off him "selecting" her over another woman... and yes, she had low self-esteem so she settled for the temporary high instead of feeling confident enough in herself that she'd get a man of her own.

I had to move away from this chick after I noticed how much she complimented the looks of every guy I dated and said that if he didn't want me, she'd gladly take him... nuh uh, I know a snake when I see one...

But it was interesting to get the first-hand perspective from someone who had no qualms and was even proud to date "taken" men... and would even brag that if the GF/wife was "fulfilling" his needs, he wouldn't have to step out to her...

It was quite sad to hear.

 

[Blossssom]

Adequate, I agreed with your entire post, but wanted to focus on the above.

I knew a woman who said EXACTLY what you stated above... she said she "used to" like to go for men who had GFs and even wives because she liked the feeling of knowing that even though this man had someone, he chose to be with HER over his partner at that moment in time.

Never mind that it was just for sex or whatever, she got a high off him "selecting" her over another woman... and yes, she had low self-esteem so she settled for the temporary high instead of feeling confident enough in herself that she'd get a man of her own.

I had to move away from this chick after I noticed how much she complimented the looks of every guy I dated and said that if he didn't want me, she'd gladly take him... nuh uh, I know a snake when I see one...

But it was interesting to get the first-hand perspective from someone who had no qualms and was even proud to date "taken" men... and would even brag that if the GF/wife was "fulfilling" his needs, he wouldn't have to step out to her...

It was quite sad to hear.

I didn't read Adequate's post due to the length, but that woman is CRAZY and she needs to find out why she can't play the field with other men of like mind, instead of purposely trying to entice a man to switch to her team.

 

[Bunny77]

I didn't read Adequate's post due to the length, but that woman is CRAZY and she needs to find out why she can't play the field with other men of like mind, instead of purposely trying to entice a man to switch to her team.

Yes she did have some mental illness issues that she was having treated, but she had a LOOOONG way to go... and I think she felt that because no man would ever want her because of her looks, the best she could do was be a sidepiece... or if not a sidepiece, just a sex partner period.

I hope she's changed. I haven't talked to her in years.

 

[Priss Pot]

Blossom, have you ever had a man that was exclusive only to you? Or do you only attract married/involved men? I'm just curious because it seems as if you've had a lot of those relationships where you were the other woman.

 

[Divine_Order]

HELLO! LOL!

Naw, I'm not in the business of breaking up no happy home. Been there, done that... but I guess if I did it, it wasn't happy anyway Thank you!

Exactly!~playing my song...The clean Up Woman!~

Now I've been on both ends of the spectrum when it comes to dating, and I've come to realize either dude is happy or he ain't. And I'm not trying to be with a man that ain't tryin to be kept. So if I feel that I've exhausted "all of my abilities" and he still felt the need to cheat....I'm ghost! I may be stoned for saying this, but I feel like if more women would just let go of a man that's cheating the world would be a happier place. Because contray to popular belief....you KNOW when your man is cheating/lying. So why deal with the headache/heartache???

 

[StrawberryQueen]

Wow, at this thread!

I would not date a man that had a girlfriend!

I would also not allow him to deceive me into believing it was not "that" serious with them. If they do not have a relationship with one another that is understood as being exclusive, then why call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. Why not just date openly. If he's just casually dating her (and they both have that understanding) then that is a different story.

A lot of men will give the "other" woman a laundry list of what is wrong with the original woman and why he is "stepping out" on her. However, if she were really that bad then why wouldn't he just leave her alone altogether. That's fishy to me. I do not think that I'm so above this original woman to think that he would treat me differently and I wouldn't flatter myself by assuming I must be better than her in some way.

Men don't respect us because we don't respect each other. Women need to bond the way men do. If we make them accountable for their actions and are loyal to one another as sisters they would not so easily pull the wool over our eyes.

A lot of woman think because a man says you are more understanding than his girlfriend that they must be better than that girl in some way. What they forget is that after the newness of a relationship has warn off and you are interlinking lives and sharing responsibility it will not seem as "carefree" as it did when you initially started dating. That doesn't mean you should be downright miserable in your relationship but you realize there is still life to live and bills to pay, issues to resolve and everything is not ALL fun and games and sex like it once was. Therefore, anything NEW may SEEM like greener pastures because you may constantly be trying to get that "new high" that comes with a new person but when that wears off for him he'll be looking for another "other" woman.

Who wants that for themselves.

I think women who chase after or entertain another woman's man has low self-esteem or she's just competitive by nature. Perhaps she feels some high or feels superior to this woman (even if she hasn't met her) if she can snag her man.

What is the condition of someone's soul who lives their lives that way. And Karma will surely see that whatever energy you put into the world is returned to you and I do not want any of that type of Karma.

That said I agree that the man has a responsibility to his woman. He is ultimately responsible for his actions if he takes on another woman.

But I can't imagine myself on an intimate date with a man who has a girlfriend. I just can't see it. I see me in her. She's my sister even if I don't know her. I would invision her sitting at home wiating for her man to call KNOWING that he probably lied to her and said he was working late. Why do I want that kind of man in my life. That is an integrity violation and ladies, integrity does not change from person to person. You either have it, or you don't. If he's lying to her, it's just a matter of time before he lies to you to. What makes you think you're so much more special than his girlfriend that he'd really treat you any different?

Wow, excellent post. I should send it to a few women.

 

[Blossssom]

Yes she did have some mental illness issues that she was having treated, but she had a LOOOONG way to go... and I think she felt that because no man would ever want her because of her looks, the best she could do was be a sidepiece... or if not a sidepiece, just a sex partner period.

I hope she's changed. I haven't talked to her in years.

Dear God... yea, I knew there was a mental issue going on. No woman should just settle to be a sidepiece, or chase up behind men they KNOW they can't have.

That's just ridiculous.

 

[InNeedofHairapy]

I sure wouldn't...all that bs about "He knows he has a woman soo blah blah blah..." is bogus. It's not about him or the other woman to me...do you hold so little respect for yourself that you would sneak around with a man that has a woman that is his main woman? I can understand dating men that have no commitment to other women and are just dating them..but someone who is in a relationship is IN a relationship, married or not. Y'all aren't 'friends' you're not his 'girl', you just help him keep his d*** wet. That's IT.

 

[Blossssom]

Blossom, have you ever had a man that was exclusive only to you? Or do you only attract married/involved men? I'm just curious because it seems as if you've had a lot of those relationships where you were the other woman.

I did have three where I was the "other woman", although, the first and third ones I didn't know it.

But I have had a couple of relationships where I ASSUMED, and at the time, I would say they "led me me to believe" that we were exclusive, but they were out getting their swerve on.

Just like a bunch of other men who do. I was a young chicken and never wanted to discuss the 'relationship' in fear of sounding like a nag or being too pushy.

Men are good at keeping women "at bay".

 

[1QTPie]

You dont think his dishonesty is a character flaw?

Its one thing to put to the side his attachment. But if he is in a relationship with her, she thinks its serious and he does not...what does that say about the way he may possibly treat you?

Is this thread about dating or kcufing? Serious question because if it is the latter, I don't think "the other woman" would care too much.

I don't take the BF/GF thing too seriously, there needs to be an understanding. I would not help him lie to his GF, but I'm not going to put too much thought into her either. She's HIS problem, not mine.

I have messed around with one man in my life that I knew he had a GF. BUT they have and open relationship, she does her thing, he does his, they live together and they seem content.

 

[Blossssom]

I sure wouldn't...all that bs about "He knows he has a woman soo blah blah blah..." is bogus. It's not about him or the other woman to me...do you hold so little respect for yourself that you would sneak around with a man that has a woman that is his main woman? I can understand dating men that have no commitment to other women and are just dating them..but someone who is in a relationship is IN a relationship, married or not. Y'all aren't 'friends' you're not his 'girl', you just help him keep his d*** wet. That's IT.

Ha! I agree! I would never SNEAK anywhere with anyone. Not me...

Yes, if he is in a relationship, he needs to honor it.