Is dating a man with a girlfriend/SO wrong?

[Finesse]

Wow, at this thread!

I would not date a man that had a girlfriend!

I would also not allow him to deceive me into believing it was not "that" serious with them. If they do not have a relationship with one another that is understood as being exclusive, then why call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. Why not just date openly. If he's just casually dating her (and they both have that understanding) then that is a different story.

A lot of men will give the "other" woman a laundry list of what is wrong with the original woman and why he is "stepping out" on her. However, if she were really that bad then why wouldn't he just leave her alone altogether. That's fishy to me. I do not think that I'm so above this original woman to think that he would treat me differently and I wouldn't flatter myself by assuming I must be better than her in some way.

Men don't respect us because we don't respect each other. Women need to bond the way men do. If we make them accountable for their actions and are loyal to one another as sisters they would not so easily pull the wool over our eyes.

A lot of woman think because a man says you are more understanding than his girlfriend that they must be better than that girl in some way. What they forget is that after the newness of a relationship has warn off and you are interlinking lives and sharing responsibility it will not seem as "carefree" as it did when you initially started dating. That doesn't mean you should be downright miserable in your relationship but you realize there is still life to live and bills to pay, issues to resolve and everything is not ALL fun and games and sex like it once was. Therefore, anything NEW may SEEM like greener pastures because you may constantly be trying to get that "new high" that comes with a new person but when that wears off for him he'll be looking for another "other" woman.

Who wants that for themselves.

I think women who chase after or entertain another woman's man has low self-esteem or she's just competitive by nature. Perhaps she feels some high or feels superior to this woman (even if she hasn't met her) if she can snag her man.

What is the condition of someone's soul who lives their lives that way. And Karma will surely see that whatever energy you put into the world is returned to you and I do not want any of that type of Karma.

That said I agree that the man has a responsibility to his woman. He is ultimately responsible for his actions if he takes on another woman.

But I can't imagine myself on an intimate date with a man who has a girlfriend. I just can't see it. I see me in her. She's my sister even if I don't know her. I would invision her sitting at home wiating for her man to call KNOWING that he probably lied to her and said he was working late. Why do I want that kind of man in my life. That is an integrity violation and ladies, integrity does not change from person to person. You either have it, or you don't. If he's lying to her, it's just a matter of time before he lies to you to. What makes you think you're so much more special than his girlfriend that he'd really treat you any different?

Love this whole post!!

 

[1QTPie]

Hmm, I wonder how many of that 70% of single BW are single because they running behind somebody else's man instead of finding one who'll commit to them?

Yeh, that's why.

This is not an exclusive black woman thing. Not at all.

 

[Blossssom]

Is this thread about dating or kcufing? Serious question because if it is the latter, I don't think "the other woman" would care too much.

I don't take the BF/GF thing too seriously, there needs to be an understanding. I would not help him lie to his GF, but I'm not going to put too much thought into her either. She's HIS problem, not mine.

I have messed around with one man in my life that I knew he had a GF. BUT they have and open relationship, she does her thing, he does his, they live together and they seem content.

And this has been my point the entire time. What it took me two days to say and finally be understood, you summed up in one post.

Where were you yesterday?

I think a lot of ladies just don't want to hear it. Oh well...

 

[Caramela]

Okay, that makes no sense to me.

Taken is taken- IMO.

Agreed/

 

[spelmanlocks]

I think its wrong. Personally I would be devastated if my boyfriend cheated on me with another woman so I couldn't see msyelf doing that. I've always told myself that I am looking for husband material when I date anyone. I wouldn't mess with any man that is not marriage material and if he is cheating on his girlfriend he is definitely not marriage material.

 

[Blossssom]

Exactly!~playing my song...The clean Up Woman!~

Now I've been on both ends of the spectrum when it comes to dating, and I've come to realize either dude is happy or he ain't. And I'm not trying to be with a man that ain't tryin to be kept. So if I feel that I've exhausted "all of my abilities" and he still felt the need to cheat....I'm ghost! I may be stoned for saying this, but I feel like if more women would just let go of a man that's cheating the world would be a happier place. Because contray to popular belief....you KNOW when your man is cheating/lying. So why deal with the headache/heartache???

That's what I say... a cheating boyfriend, IF WE'VE HAD THE TALK", is definitely out the door.

A cheating husband... I would have to evaluate that, but we wouldn't be going back to "we're exclusive". People have kids and finances and that all has to be taken into consideration.

I would definitely say OPEN MARRIAGE!

 

[Blossssom]

Yeh, that's why.

This is not an exclusive black woman thing. Not at all.

Somebody wrote a long post about black people doing this, which has nothing to do with this discussion, as if we are the only ones 'guilty'.

I forgot who that was.

 

[envybeauty]

Wow to this thread.

Surprised but not really. Women are women. Some woman will always go after another woman's man and others will leave him alone. IRL and on LHCF.

It is what it is. The final decision will be left to the man as to whether he wants one, both, or none.

 

[Divine_Order]

That's what I say... a cheating boyfriend, IF WE'VE HAD THE TALK", is definitely out the door.

A cheating husband... I would have to evaluate that, but we wouldn't be going back to "we're exclusive". People have kids and finances and that all has to be taken into consideration.

I would definitely say OPEN MARRIAGE!

I agree, a cheating husband is something different than a boyfriend. But I would say, the woman should concentrate on what's going to make her happy (whether that's staying or leaving....considering finances, kids,etc.). I don't think that kids should grow up in a household when neither of the parents are happy. Kids can pick up on constant arguing,etc. If my husband were to cheat, I'd have to peace him out too:swordfigh . Because I would've felt as though he betrayed my trust, and flaked out on his vows. So....just send my child support/alimony check player Trust, I'll find a way to stay happy

 

[Summer_Rain]

But, Summer, that's just it...

No woman should allow a man to "creep" with her. As I said before, either he's openly dating me or he's not.

No 'the club just closed can I come through?' That's ridiculous and insane.

Trust me, if a man is calling you and taking you out on the regular, clearly his other women have to know that he sees other women and she shouldn't be bothered by it, because that SAME woman should also be out and about with other guys.

The problem comes in when a guy makes a verbal commitment, off the record, and then goes out and does something else. Those are usually the guys who who are looking for a BC, but not necessarily so.

The first married man I dated way back in my early 20s took me out as if his wife didn't even exist. In fact, all of them did. Did they tell me the truth about their marriages? NO! But the guy at my last law firm, the second married I was involved with, I knew he was married from the jump! I decided to go there, but that was an error on my part as well as his.

I know ladies with boyfriends don't want to hear this, but there are a lot of women who feel unless you have papers on a man, he's up for anybody to date. Got a problem? Don't tell me about it. TELL HIM!

Don't get me wrong now Blosss - I'm not saying that I date involved men OR chase men I know are involved. I was only chiming in on what gramma had told me & the advice i got growing up about the difference between a "real" relationship and one that was not. All of that was the basis for several pieces of advice actually including not playing "wife" when you're just his "girlfriend" .

But I have a drama free life and like to keep it that way - so men with girlfriends don't appeal to me AT ALL

 

[Blossssom]

I agree, a cheating husband is something different than a boyfriend. But I would say, the woman should concentrate on what's going to make her happy (whether that's staying or leaving....considering finances, kids,etc.). I don't think that kids should grow up in a household when neither of the parents are happy. Kids can pick up on constant arguing,etc. If my husband were to cheat, I'd have to peace him out too:swordfigh . Because I would've felt as though he betrayed my trust, and flaked out on his vows. So....just send my child support/alimony check player Trust, I'll find a way to stay happy

Amen to that... yes, if a man and wife can't remain civil for the sake of the children, just get the f**k out! Ha!

 

[gone_fishing]

Just out of curiosity...when you all get married or have a serious relationship even if it has not yet progressed to marriage - and your mate cheats on you (let's assume for the sake of argument that both of you actually are aware of the fact that you are in a relationship), would you say to yourself - oh, he cheated on me...I must not be taking care of business on the home front OR would you say that ungrateful SOB when you KNEW you were giving it 100%?

Do you all honestly believe that the ONLY reason a man cheats is because the woman isn't taking care of business?

ohh...

spinoff thread...

 

[Blossssom]

Naw, men cheat on their wives for a variety of reasons.

There isn't a valid reason for a man to ever cheat. If he's that unhappy at home, be man enough to let the wife know and move out if he doesn't feel the marriage can be saved.

No wife deserves to be cheated on.

 

[Divine_Order]

Just out of curiosity...when you all get married or have a serious relationship even if it has not yet progressed to marriage - and your mate cheats on you (let's assume for the sake of argument that both of you actually are aware of the fact that you are in a relationship), would you say to yourself - oh, he cheated on me...I must not be taking care of business on the home front OR would you say that ungrateful SOB when you KNEW you were giving it 100%?

Do you all honestly believe that the ONLY reason a man cheats is because the woman isn't taking care of business?

ohh...

spinoff thread...[/QUOTE]

Ok!!!

I would feel that it just wasn't meant to be. I mean, you know when you've given something your all or not. So I guess it depends on the person that going through it. But I'm a firm believer that if a man wants to leave, there's nothing you can do to make him stay.

 

[imstush]

Yea... let me know when you master it. I still haven't

I may not be nice in some people's opinion, but I am honest and that's more important.

And honest you are!

Wow! this thread really grew from earlier today. I must say I'm shocked by what I'm, reading. Alot of the women who are down to date a man who is involved appear to be attractive and intelligent women. Thats why for the life of me, I don't understand why they put themselves in these situations. If a man wants to disrespect his situation, thats on him, but for a nother woman to participate, I can't respect that. its straight excuses and bs to rationalize it by saying he wanted me or he persued me, or hes not happy with her. Temptation comes in all forms, and its something that all relationships experience, but damn to encourage that is jus.........

Its sad to say it, but our race has the lowest marriage rates, lowest success rates for our kids in skools, most amount of single parents, poverty, crime, lowest everything rates and yet the few black people who are actually take an honest go at a relationship, have these desperate women who are willing to get in the mix. If he's a dog, thats his problem let the girl find out on her own, its not right to take it upon urself and and say well too bad for her she need to check her man.

There may be kids involved, one of the two women or both may get pregnant and that jus feeds so much of the problem our "people" have. Its sad, thats all I can say. Of all the things to do with ur life and with other people homewrecking and not giving a damn is on the top of the list. Its sad. There is truly something wrong with our people and there is clearly some underlying, unresolved issue, why some women are cool with this ad make so much excuses fro something that is unequivocally wrong on so many levels.

Not sure what this has to do with the topic, this isn't a race issue.

But, Summer, that's just it...

No woman should allow a man to "creep" with her. As I said before, either he's openly dating me or he's not.

No 'the club just closed can I come through?' That's ridiculous and insane.

Trust me, if a man is calling you and taking you out on the regular, clearly his other women have to know that he sees other women and she shouldn't be bothered by it, because that SAME woman should also be out and about with other guys.

The problem comes in when a guy makes a verbal commitment, off the record, and then goes out and does something else. Those are usually the guys who who are looking for a BC, but not necessarily so.

The first married man I dated way back in my early 20s took me out as if his wife didn't even exist. In fact, all of them did. Did they tell me the truth about their marriages? NO! But the guy at my last law firm, the second married I was involved with, I knew he was married from the jump! I decided to go there, but that was an error on my part as well as his.

I know ladies with boyfriends don't want to hear this, but there are a lot of women who feel unless you have papers on a man, he's up for anybody to date. Got a problem? Don't tell me about it. TELL HIM!

Although I don't "date" men with SO (been there done that) you do bring up good points Blossom.

Yeh, that's why.

This is not an exclusive black woman thing. Not at all.

See above, I agree.

 

[Blossssom]

Just out of curiosity...when you all get married or have a serious relationship even if it has not yet progressed to marriage - and your mate cheats on you (let's assume for the sake of argument that both of you actually are aware of the fact that you are in a relationship), would you say to yourself - oh, he cheated on me...I must not be taking care of business on the home front OR would you say that ungrateful SOB when you KNEW you were giving it 100%?

Do you all honestly believe that the ONLY reason a man cheats is because the woman isn't taking care of business?

ohh...

spinoff thread...[/QUOTE]

Ok!!!

I would feel that it just wasn't meant to be. I mean, you know when you've given something your all or not. So I guess it depends on the person that going through it. But I'm a firm believer that if a man wants to leave, there's nothing you can do to make him stay.

Absolutely nothing... I wouldn't want him to. Just let me know! BYE!

 

[Divine_Order]

Absolutely nothing... I wouldn't want him to. Just let me know! BYE!

Good riddance, cuz there is someone that has been BEGGING to take your place pimpin!

 

[Blossssom]

Good riddance, cuz there is someone that has been BEGGING to take your place pimpin!

Thank you... what do men say about buses? Ha!

It's not a one-street, ladies.

Like Harry Belafonte said about jobs in the movie, "White Man's Burden".

Lose a job, find another one.

Same applies to a spouse/SO that does you wrong. Move on.

 

[Divine_Order]

Thank you... what do men say about buses? Ha!

It's not a one-street, ladies.

Like Harry Belafonte said about jobs in the movie, "White Man's Burden".

Lose a job, find another one.

Same applies to a spouse/SO that does you wrong. Move on.

Ya dig?! I really feel like a lot of guys are playing on the "there aren't enough men" phenomena that's been going around. Because I know of so many women that are willing to deal with a crappy relationship than be alone. I've had a couple of MEN tell me that, "You know there's a shortage of qualified men...black men at that." Now mind you the two men that told me this were trying to date me. Now, I'm not the one to fall prey into such a frenzy. Because all that does it create a "panic" or need for a woman to hang on to a no good man. Going off of the notion, "Well, he cheats...but he has a good job,etc". Sorry, that's some BS! I say...*** him, check right to the next! It's so hard for me to believe there is a shortage when I am constantly meeting men (of all nationalities, mind you).

 

[The Girl]

While my cattrap is quite magical, even it has it's limitations. How you get em is how you lose em. smh

I love the 'CATTRAP' part...

some girls jus have no class, if u know a man is regularly kissing, fondling, abd having relations with another girl why would u want to be in that? Tasting her lipgloss and possible other things that belong to her. Women like this are desperate and have low self-esteem.

I don't advocate it bc of the whole karma thing as well. I have done it before and yes it came back to bite me in the tail.

What if he cheats and you take him back isn't that the same thing? Didn't you just share your man?
eta: this may have been answered forgive me as I am only on page 15

 

[Kurlee]

Not sure what this has to do with the topic, this isn't a race issue.

Oh no, i know it is not a race issue, the point I was trying to make is that "we" seem to have so much threads about being single and being over x age and not married, or the adolescent male achievement gap, baby mama drama, wheres the good men, but yet we are prepared to indulge in this type of behaviour? Doesn't this type fo behaviour contribute to alot of the problems that people are facing in these threads? It was to provoke thought.