Is being single THAT bad?

[Bunny77]

This is kind of how I feel. I'm trying to remain as open as possible so that I won't miss my opportunity to get married. I don't want to be too picky because it's hard enough to find someone suitable.

I know this is gross, but I like Mickey D's. I don't eat it more than once a week (I used to eat it almost everyday), but I like it. It's pure garbage, but I like it.

I agree with all of you that I should set higher expectations...

Hey, I've gotta run, but I have to say this really quickly...

Look around you a little more... are the women that you see who are "as open as possible" in GOOD relationships? Really now... all that I see from the women who have little to no standards are serial baby-mama status and an endless string of bad relationships. And if they are married, they're with a loser with unstable employment who might as well be another child that she's raising.

Being too picky is ruling out a man because he's 5'8" versus 6'2" (for example). On the other hand, being "open" to a man who's idea of a first date is McDonald's (even if you like it ) is not being smart...

Smart women need to have standards. After all, you ARE choosing the man who you expect to be with for the rest of your life and who will father your children. So you will be tied to this man for life.

With that in mind, why do you think you should be "as open as possible?"

 

[Imani]

To answer the question, no being single isn't bad at all. I'm beginning to think that I prefer it over being in a relationship. But I'm weird, so my opinion probably doesn't count much

 

[jupitermoon]

Hey, I've gotta run, but I have to say this really quickly...

Look around you a little more... are the women that you see who are "as open as possible" in GOOD relationships? Really now... all that I see from the women who have little to no standards are serial baby-mama status and an endless string of bad relationships. And if they are married, they're with a loser with unstable employment who might as well be another child that she's raising.

Being too picky is ruling out a man because he's 5'8" versus 6'2" (for example). On the other hand, being "open" to a man who's idea of a first date is McDonald's (even if you like it ) is not being smart...

Smart women need to have standards. After all, you ARE choosing the man who you expect to be with for the rest of your life and who will father your children. So you will be tied to this man for life.

With that in mind, why do you think you should be "as open as possible?"

Why do you consider yourself a beggar? Why are you meeting a man for the first time, on the side of a highway?? And why are you not picky????

At this point meeting a guy that is kind, loyal, has something to offer and actually wants to marry me seems like something I may never experience. It seems like a dream. The stories that I read on this forum about some of you being in these wonderful relationships with nice caring men just seems too good to be true. I don't think most women experience this.

I figure that nothing's perfect in life and being in one of these dream like relationships may not be possible for me. That's why I'm trying to remain as open minded as possible. Like I am willing to settle with a much older man if he is willing to marry me and isn't creepy like the men I've mentioned earlier. It may not be what I really want, but life doesn't work that way.

This is what I mean when I say beggars shouldn't be choosers. I don't have a lot of options anyway. I can't keep refusing man after man and trying to hold off for a "perfect" man that I may never meet.

Maybe that's the point - why fake the funk? Why try and convince yourself you're happy about something (because people tell you that you should be) when you're not? Wanting to share your life with someone is not an assault on your independence.

Now you've got to start getting strategic. What kind of man do you want to meet? What kinds of things do you imagine that type of man likes to do? How can you start putting yourself in positions to be amongst the type of men you like to meet?

And most importantly, what is your bait?!?! Let's hook, line and sink him!

I don't have the money now, but I actually think moving would be best for me. I live in an area where many of the men are either in relationships or have nothing to offer. The older men that I encounter are usually divorced with children around my age and aren't interested in marrying again. They want to have "fun" and sex just like the young ones.

Quite a few people suggested that I go to church. I recently did go to church again. What I noticed was that there are way more women in church and the few men that I saw were old, already in relationships, or too young and in their teens. I'm in my mid 20s and I notice that guys in my age group are missing in church settings. There's not much to do or go in my area besides church or to the bar or clubs.

 

[cinnamin316]

I'm tired of being single. I've been single for 3 almost 4 years. In the begining I chose to be single. I had just gotten out of and long drawn out relationship with a person who was so wrong for me at the time and I just needed time to be by myself. If I desparately wanted to be in a relationship I could be. There are 2 guys that live around my house that are nice guys (personality) but one just got out of jail after doing a 10 year bid and they other makes money in a way I do not approve of. I also have 2 ex's that would love for me to date them again but we are ex's for a reason. I'm actually proud of myself that I'm being picky enough to keep me away from losers but enough is enough. And things arent any better when all your friends are getting into long term relationships and starting families.

Just a short story- I was talking to my uncle who has a daughter my age with 2 children and I said something about my mother will retire when i have children so she can babysit and he looked at me and said "Oh she dont have to worry about that. You aint never having no kids, you not even close" It seemed like he stuck a knife right through my heart with that. I dont want to be like my cousin but I cant wait to be in a relationship and start a family of my own.

 

[FlowerHair]

Sorry, this is a little off topic information for those who are interested in finding someone soon.

Flowerhair also went through a conscious transition when she was ready to break out of the single life. Perhaps PM her to find out more detail about her approach.

LOL! I'm single now though, so what good did it do?

I tried to find that old thread - "Calling in the One" challenge that a few of us did, but it's in the archives. It's a pity we can't search the archives.

Bunny is probably a much better relationship coach than me - I don't even have what I want relationshipwise right now.

I did change a few things and it paid off, but I got stuck on the wrong man. The ONLY black man in the Universe who doesn't want children! LOL!!!

So now I'm single again and looking for a new love to enter my life.

My sister kind of coached me and I started opening my eyes for what is necessary to attract a man (at least for me). All those years when people said to me "don't look for a man, he will come when you least expect it" etc. That was the most worthless advice for someone like me.

I started dressing better (made me feel better and look better), smiling to everone I met when I passed them by, looking them in the eyes, I wore my hair down more often. Those little things made a world of difference!! Just looking at people and smiling at them made a big difference for me, I don't know how you guys are, but I was a little withdrawn into myself - I still am at times! I'm not shy, but I'm always sort of in my own little world (perhaps the creative side of me). And I don't want to get too comfortable in that little world, because it can be pretty lonely in there.

I also read and worked through all the exercises in the book Calling in the One. That was a huge help for me. The only self-help book that really made a difference in my life. You can buy it on Amazon.com.

The book asks a series of very tough questions and many of the answers were eye-opening to me. What can I say - I mature slowly, perhaps. Or perhaps I'm just one of the many, many women who didn't grow up seeing a great relationship up close, so I had to figure out most things on my own. The book promises that you will meet someone within 7 weeks. I noticed major changes in my experiences with men sooner than that. One day a man stopped me in the street and said I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. I hadn't been stopped in the street or told anything like that in almost 10 years before that!!! I was in shock. I also noticed men looking at me and smiling...was it me or was it them that had changed?? Most likely me.

I've also learned a lot through this site. If you sift through the negative threads in the relationship forum, there are a few good ones..."how to get and keep a man" etc. Funny, but informative threads.

I realized that my biggest problem was that I didn't think I was beautiful, I thought I was no good, I didn't think I could be happy in a relationship or that no one could be happy with me etc etc. So for me it was both a lack of confidence (still is) and a lack of practical knowledge in how to show a man that I was interested. The problem wasn't that no one is interested in me. I have found that just showing my interest makes it really easy for the man to approach me. And how would they know if I didn't even make eye contact?

I should just work through that book again. Now I know so much better what I want and what I don't want. I'm focused like a laser now.

 

[ambergirl]

Sorry, this is a little off topic information for those who are interested in finding someone soon.



LOL! I'm single now though, so what good did it do?

I tried to find that old thread - "Calling in the One" challenge that a few of us did, but it's in the archives. It's a pity we can't search the archives.

Bunny is probably a much better relationship coach than me - I don't even have what I want relationshipwise right now.

I did change a few things and it paid off, but I got stuck on the wrong man. The ONLY black man in the Universe who doesn't want children! LOL!!!

So now I'm single again and looking for a new love to enter my life.

My sister kind of coached me and I started opening my eyes for what is necessary to attract a man (at least for me). All those years when people said to me "don't look for a man, he will come when you least expect it" etc. That was the most worthless advice for someone like me.

I started dressing better (made me feel better and look better), smiling to everone I met when I passed them by, looking them in the eyes, I wore my hair down more often. Those little things made a world of difference!! Just looking at people and smiling at them made a big difference for me, I don't know how you guys are, but I was a little withdrawn into myself - I still am at times! I'm not shy, but I'm always sort of in my own little world (perhaps the creative side of me). And I don't want to get too comfortable in that little world, because it can be pretty lonely in there.

I also read and worked through all the exercises in the book Calling in the One. That was a huge help for me. The only self-help book that really made a difference in my life. You can buy it on Amazon.com.

The book asks a series of very tough questions and many of the answers were eye-opening to me. What can I say - I mature slowly, perhaps. Or perhaps I'm just one of the many, many women who didn't grow up seeing a great relationship up close, so I had to figure out most things on my own. The book promises that you will meet someone within 7 weeks. I noticed major changes in my experiences with men sooner than that. One day a man stopped me in the street and said I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. I hadn't been stopped in the street or told anything like that in almost 10 years before that!!! I was in shock. I also noticed men looking at me and smiling...was it me or was it them that had changed?? Most likely me.

I've also learned a lot through this site. If you sift through the negative threads in the relationship forum, there are a few good ones..."how to get and keep a man" etc. Funny, but informative threads.

I realized that my biggest problem was that I didn't think I was beautiful, I thought I was no good, I didn't think I could be happy in a relationship or that no one could be happy with me etc etc. So for me it was both a lack of confidence (still is) and a lack of practical knowledge in how to show a man that I was interested. The problem wasn't that no one is interested in me. I have found that just showing my interest makes it really easy for the man to approach me. And how would they know if I didn't even make eye contact?

I should just work through that book again. Now I know so much better what I want and what I don't want. I'm focused like a laser now.

* jaw drops, gum falls out*

Since you are one of the most beautiful sisters on this Board I am in shock at this statement. But it just goes to show that often times our self perceptions are not based on truth or fact...because you are GORGEOUS!

 

[Bunny77]

I feel bad that a thread that was supposed to be about the good things about being single turned into a vent... But then again, as Syrah said, why fake the funk? If one is truly happy being single, then that feeling is genuine. Or, one can enjoy that for now, while later deciding that they don't want to be single any more.

I really think though that if one doesn't want to be single, he/she needs to stop with all the quick fix stuff that everyone recommends. Buying clothes, pets, getting new female friends, traveling, another degree, etc., are all great, but if you want a MAN, you want a MAN. None of the things above are going to fill that void.


Now, I think FlowerHair wrote a beautiful post, and I'm going to kind of expound on that. Celina, I don't say this to a lot of people, but I really think that your interests are best served right now by getting therapy or counseling, because there is a deeper issue here than you simply not being in a relationship. Your thought process about finding a relationship is very much off-kilter, and no matter how many good dating tips you get from this board or elsewhere, they will not pay off for you as long as you have that cloud of emotional negativity surrounding you.

What I often see in such cases is that the women who have your mindset either continue to stay single, or they get into bad relationships in which they are left worse off than before, and maybe have a kid or two to boot after that. So, they wanted a relationship SO badly, and at the end of the day, they still don't have one, but have lots more emotional baggage than they did in the beginning... not to mention, the burden of raising kids alone, in many cases.

So, I honestly would step back from PlentyofFish, Match.com, etc., and put the idea of dating on hiatus for a minute until you reach an emotionally healthy state in which you can make better choices and have a better overall attitude about this.

 

[Determined22]

Girl you are all up in my head. Being single is just like being married. Some days you thank your lucky stars that you are in the situation you're in and other days you wonder how in da h*ll did I end up here.

Some days you cry tears of sadness because you don't have someone to share your life with and other days your heart bursts with joy with the experiences, freedom, sense of pride and self that being single allows you to develop.

Life is life. Everything has it's good and bad sides. And while most of us single chicks would prefer cuddling up to an Idris Elba or Gerard Butler look alike then sleep alone (at least I would!) most of us aren't dropping tears in our beer or putting our lives on hold or adopting every stray cat in the neighborhood. What I try to do is enjoy where ever I am this. very. day. Because that's all I'm guaranteed. And when you put your attention on living what the day has brought you to its fullest, the rest has a way of working itself out.

Wow, great post! This is exactly how I feel. Some days I long for a serious relationship, while other days I'm so thankful that I can do as I please and enjoy my life. Over the past year or so I've been really committed to just enjoying where I am in my life, regardless of my relationship status & I've been much happier.

 

[FlowerHair]

* jaw drops, gum falls out*

Since you are one of the most beautiful sisters on this Board I am in shock at this statement. But it just goes to show that often times our self perceptions are not based on truth or fact...because you are GORGEOUS!

Thank you
But it wasn't easy for me to feel beautiful over here, even if my mother often said it... Sometimes it's where you're located that makes the difference. erplexed

 

[Bunny77]

Just a short story- I was talking to my uncle who has a daughter my age with 2 children and I said something about my mother will retire when i have children so she can babysit and he looked at me and said "Oh she dont have to worry about that. You aint never having no kids, you not even close" It seemed like he stuck a knife right through my heart with that. I dont want to be like my cousin but I cant wait to be in a relationship and start a family of my own.

I'm sure that did hurt.

But... it's not a surprise that your cousin ended up the way that she did with a sorry-arse father like that... just think about it like that...

 

[jupitermoon]

I feel bad that a thread that was supposed to be about the good things about being single turned into a vent... But then again, as Syrah said, why fake the funk? If one is truly happy being single, then that feeling is genuine. Or, one can enjoy that for now, while later deciding that they don't want to be single any more.

I really think though that if one doesn't want to be single, he/she needs to stop with all the quick fix stuff that everyone recommends. Buying clothes, pets, getting new female friends, traveling, another degree, etc., are all great, but if you want a MAN, you want a MAN. None of the things above are going to fill that void.


Now, I think FlowerHair wrote a beautiful post, and I'm going to kind of expound on that. Celina, I don't say this to a lot of people, but I really think that your interests are best served right now by getting therapy or counseling, because there is a deeper issue here than you simply not being in a relationship. Your thought process about finding a relationship is very much off-kilter, and no matter how many good dating tips you get from this board or elsewhere, they will not pay off for you as long as you have that cloud of emotional negativity surrounding you.

What I often see in such cases is that the women who have your mindset either continue to stay single, or they get into bad relationships in which they are left worse off than before, and maybe have a kid or two to boot after that. So, they wanted a relationship SO badly, and at the end of the day, they still don't have one, but have lots more emotional baggage than they did in the beginning... not to mention, the burden of raising kids alone, in many cases.

So, I honestly would step back from PlentyofFish, Match.com, etc., and put the idea of dating on hiatus for a minute until you reach an emotionally healthy state in which you can make better choices and have a better overall attitude about this.

I'll consider. I haven't felt good about myself in years and I know why but I feel that if I could find that one special person that actually likes me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me I would feel better. Then, again I feel bad when someone actually does like me thinking that I'm not worth liking and that they'll be disappointed.

Oh well, I'll hold off on relationships for now.

 

[jupitermoon]

I feel bad that a thread that was supposed to be about the good things about being single turned into a vent... But then again, as Syrah said, why fake the funk? If one is truly happy being single, then that feeling is genuine. Or, one can enjoy that for now, while later deciding that they don't want to be single any more.

Lol! This thread turned into a hot mess, lol! My goal was to make this thread a positive feel good thread for single women about why we like being single and how being alone truly isn't an issue. Some women really are okay with being single, but I guess if you're not you just can't fake it. I've been trying to convince myself that I love being single for quite a while now.

 

[Bunny77]

I'll consider. I haven't felt good about myself in years and I know why but I feel that if I could find that one special person that actually likes me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me I would feel better. Then, again I feel bad when someone actually does like me thinking that I'm not worth liking and that they'll be disappointed.

Oh well, I'll hold off on relationships for now.

I wish I could do that in person!

I know your money is tight right now, but read the book that FlowerHair suggested. I did the exercises too (well, uh, okay, I dropped out of the challenge ), and I think they are very good at helping one get to the root of other issues that might be hampering one from having a healthy relationship.

With the bolded, that sounds almost word-for-word what a friend of mine has said multiple times... she is 32 and she's had three very unfulfilling relationships. So she's had "men," but she still hasn't come close to finding what she really wants, so in the end, the relationships didn't mean all that much. I hope she reaches that point of self-acceptance, because until then, she's going to always be disappointed in this realm.

 

[FlowerHair]

Lol! This thread turned into a hot mess, lol! My goal was to make this thread a positive feel good thread for single women about why we like being single and how being alone truly isn't an issue. Some women really are okay with being single, but I guess if you're not you just can't fake it. I've been trying to convince myself that I love being single for quite a while now.

I think that's a good place to start. Don't try to convince yourself of that anymore.

It's difficult, but I think it's important to allow oneself to want what you want.

Don't ever think it's hopeless, because it isn't.

I think Bunny's advice is spot on.

 

[ambergirl]

I'll consider. I haven't felt good about myself in years and I know why but I feel that if I could find that one special person that actually likes me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me I would feel better. Then, again I feel bad when someone actually does like me thinking that I'm not worth liking and that they'll be disappointed.

Oh well, I'll hold off on relationships for now.

Miss Celina, I'm going to co-sign on with Bunny77. It would really serve you well to figure out why you feel the way you do about yourself. Some professional counseling might be immensely helpful to you in general, not just in your relationship life.

With regards to the bolded, you are much more likely to attract a compatible and supportive mate who loves you if you are able to love and accept yourself first.

I've seen a couple of cases where a woman with low self-esteem hooked up with someone she thought was her savior and those relationships have not worked. In one instance he was attracted to her because of her low self-esteem and because her happiness depended on him. As she started to grow as a person he resented it and this was reflected in his behavior towards her.

In the other case, a man who was all peaches in cream during the courtship became increasingly abusive after the marriage. Again, because of her low self-esteem he felt entitled to possess and control her.

Being in a loving relationship is a wonderful thing but a man can not define you or your happiness. You need to do that for yourself. And the beautiful thing is, when you do that, quality men with good intentions are more likely to be attracted to you as well.

 

[MzLady78]

I think like others have said, it has its pros and cons. I like being able to go out with my friends when I want and run the streets (not literally of course, lol). But there have also been many nights that I wished I had someone to go home to when I was finished having my fun, or even just someone to call to say I made it home ok.

My thing is that I'm 32, I want children and I know that realistically, time is of the essence in that department. Yes, I'm aware that women are having babies later in life all the time now, but *I* don't want to 40 having my first child. That's a big part of why I'm closer to the "being single sucks" end of the spectrum most of the time.

 

[DMJ's Mom]

I LOVED being single and alot of my single friends love it too. I think society just likes to exaggerate things for a story

 

[Kiadodie]

I think like others have said, it has its pros and cons. I like being able to go out with my friends when I want and run the streets (not literally of course, lol). But there have also been many nights that I wished I had someone to go to home when I was finished having my fun, or even just someone to call to say I made it home ok.

My thing is that I'm 32, I want children and I know that realistically, time is of the essence in that department. Yes, I'm aware that women are having babies later in life all the time now, but *I* don't want to 40 having my first child. That's a big part of why I'm closer to the "being single sucks" end of the spectrum most of the time.

Hey MzLady ..I haven't seen you here in a while. I totally understand where you're coming from. Thats why Im in the 'sometimes being single sucks' spectrum also. Im realizing at 38 my chances to have kids are very slim especially because there is no man in my life right now.

I plan to be more active and maybe join an online dating site which scares me to death but what do I have to lose right? THe thing is, in the back of my mind I dont want the having children thing to stress me out and cause me to be anxious and rush the process.
I see women that I know settle for someone because of that and I KNOW that would not make me happy.

I made a decision that if I never have kids, I will be OK. I'll live. Im not going to stress out over it anymore. There is always adoption. Its not what I want, but again, its not worth stressing and being anxious over because that will only make me make the wrong decision.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

I hate being single. Absolutely hate it. I would just like to know that someone out there who I like as well thinks I'm attractive, likes me for me and would love to have me on his arm. It's quite depressing and downright embarrassing that at 21 I've never had a BF.

well, at least you're not 26

 

[JewelleNY]

This is a great thread!

 

[ArrrBeee]

Miss Celina, I'm going to co-sign on with Bunny77. It would really serve you well to figure out why you feel the way you do about yourself. Some professional counseling might be immensely helpful to you in general, not just in your relationship life.

With regards to the bolded, you are much more likely to attract a compatible and supportive mate who loves you if you are able to love and accept yourself first.

I've seen a couple of cases where a woman with low self-esteem hooked up with someone she thought was her savior and those relationships have not worked. In one instance he was attracted to her because of her low self-esteem and because her happiness depended on him. As she started to grow as a person he resented it and this was reflected in his behavior towards her.

In the other case, a man who was all peaches in cream during the courtship became increasingly abusive after the marriage. Again, because of her low self-esteem he felt entitled to possess and control her.Being in a loving relationship is a wonderful thing but a man can not define you or your happiness. You need to do that for yourself. And the beautiful thing is, when you do that, quality men with good intentions are more likely to be attracted to you as well.

Cosigning with the bolded part. If you don't see yourself as worthy, no one else will. Like a shark is attracted to blood, a human shark is attracted to a bleeding spirit and heart.

You said you want to be as open as possible. I want you to picture the door of a house. If you leave it as open as possible, what will come in? Vermin, thieves, insects, etc. Put a screen up to your openness so that you can filter out the bad.

 

[LovelyNaps26]

I don't mind being single but I sho nuff want to get married. I'm honest with myself and God about that! I think many people can be comfortable living in an apartment but the idea of never owning a house can be quite depressing. That's how I feel about singleness. I'm 26 and if I could know right now that I wouldn't marry until 30, I'd be fine. Just fine. So, it's not so much my present singleness that bothers me (i really do enjoy my freedom and flexibility) it's the possibility of a lifetime of singleness that many single women fear. I'm a woman of faith so I am believing that with faith (and action) I will have my own family. Keeping hope alive in the dating wasteland that is Boston gets rough sometimes.

 

[Duchesse]

Cosigning with the bolded part. If you don't see yourself as worthy, no one else will. Like a shark is attracted to blood, a human shark is attracted to a bleeding spirit and heart.

That was quite beautiful and very true.

 

[MzLady78]

I don't mind being single but I sho nuff want to get married. I'm honest with myself and God about that! I think many people can be comfortable living in an apartment but the idea of never owning a house can be quite depressing. That's how I feel about singleness. I'm 26 and if I could know right now that I wouldn't marry until 30, I'd be fine. Just fine. So, it's not so much my present singleness that bothers me (i really do enjoy my freedom and flexibility) it's the possibility of a lifetime of singleness that many single women fear. I'm a woman of faith so I am believing that with faith (and action) I will have my own family. Keeping hope alive in the dating wasteland that is Boston gets rough sometimes.

Hell friggin yeah.

 

[Lovelylife]

I don't mind being single but I sho nuff want to get married. I'm honest with myself and God about that! I think many people can be comfortable living in an apartment but the idea of never owning a house can be quite depressing. That's how I feel about singleness. I'm 26 and if I could know right now that I wouldn't marry until 30, I'd be fine. Just fine. So, it's not so much my present singleness that bothers me (i really do enjoy my freedom and flexibility) it's the possibility of a lifetime of singleness that many single women fear. I'm a woman of faith so I am believing that with faith (and action) I will have my own family. Keeping hope alive in the dating wasteland that is Boston gets rough sometimes.

Same here. Even if someone said "You will get married at 42". I would be ok, I just would like to know if marriage is even a possibility.

 

[Carrie A]

Just to lighten things up a bit

10 Best Things About Being Single

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Singles often feel left out in our couple-driven society. Whenever you're tempted to feel down because of your singularity, remember these reasons why flying solo can be the best way to go:

1. You can make last-minute plans with your friends and stay out all night if you want.

2. You can lie on both sides of your bed and have all the covers to yourself.
(Plus if you have bad gas you don't have to be considerate)

3. You can flirt with the opposite sex without someone saying, " Who are you looking at? "

4. You can make your own decisions.

5. You don't have to remember your significant other's birthday or anniversary.

6. You have no one to clean up after.

7. You can leave the toilet seat permanently up if you're a man, or permanently down if you're a woman.

8. You can make a list of things you always wanted to do...and actually do them.

9. You can listen to your favorite radio station in the car.

10. You can actually hold on to the remote control.

 

[yokoyokogirl]

I was single for a while after my last bf and even longer before that after my ex-husband. I was happy and content most of the time because I could do what I wanted and my time was my own. But I think that there comes a time where every single person wants a little company.

 

[frida1980]

One of my best friends, decided to get with a man solely for the purpose of getting married. She has been regretting that decision for ten years. I think we get caught up in the fairytale that we don't realize how good are lives our without the complications. A man has to be WORTH the complications and limitations that a marriage brings. I have full control over my life, money, time, etc. In a marriage I'd have to sacrifice a lot of myself, so I have to be sure it's worth it.

So no, being single isn't that bad. Until you around someone that's found the love of their life. Then it totally sucks.

 

[Ladybelle]

Society paints a dire picture of single women, especially single Black women. Lately, there have been so many articles and news segments about single Black women. It's getting real old and I wish the media would find something else to focus on. You'd think being single was the worst thing in world.

I'm slowly starting to realize that things aren't always as rosy as they seem. It seems like a large percentage of married women are in not so happy relationships but choose to remain in them out of fear of being alone. For whatever reason many of these same women will brag and try to convince everyone that things are so great and perfect though.

I wish society wasn't so hard on single women. I still am putting myself out there and going places but I just want to be happy and am sick of obsessing about finding someone.

This thread is for those of us that are single. What do you do to remain happy and not worry so much about growing old alone and being lonely? I believe I will eventually find someone but it may take many many years (I may be 40 or 50 by then), but I'm sick of being depressed about this and worrying. I'd like to NOT care about being alone and single for a change. When I'm older and look back on my 20s, I'd like to remember pleasant things instead of remembering how depressed and obsessed I was about being single. I can't make guys like me and want to be with me (and Lord knows I've tried); it's either going to happen or it's not.

Are you truly happy and single and truly don't mind being alone?

I've been single for 5 years (separated from ex-hubby, just made it official in May). I sometimes mind being alone. I don't miss his company because he wasn't emotionally available. I do, however, miss intelligent conversation. Finally, at 44, I know what I want. I don't mind being alone because that means I don't have to deal with BS. There's a piece-of-mind factor that's priceless!!

I have been single for a very long time and I forget how long until someone brings it up to me, honestly. I think everyone around me feels Im missing out and that they must do something quick to help my sad state of singless by playing match maker, and Im all for that but when you start making it a hobby to find me that "perfect" mate (and they are always off)we have a problem. I promise you I don't walk around in this said state of mind because Im single, so why are so many people trying to hook me up, it's hilarous to me like I have some sought of sickness. It's as if thier insecurities of being alone contradicts the peace I have with being single. I want companionship yes and Im I willing to wait for that one that is suitable for me, but until then Im going to keep living and being whole and working on me, contributing to someone elses life, just living.

I feel bad that a thread that was supposed to be about the good things about being single turned into a vent... But then again, as Syrah said, why fake the funk? If one is truly happy being single, then that feeling is genuine. Or, one can enjoy that for now, while later deciding that they don't want to be single any more.

I really think though that if one doesn't want to be single, he/she needs to stop with all the quick fix stuff that everyone recommends. Buying clothes, pets, getting new female friends, traveling, another degree, etc., are all great, but if you want a MAN, you want a MAN. None of the things above are going to fill that void.


Now, I think FlowerHair wrote a beautiful post, and I'm going to kind of expound on that. Celina, I don't say this to a lot of people, but I really think that your interests are best served right now by getting therapy or counseling, because there is a deeper issue here than you simply not being in a relationship. Your thought process about finding a relationship is very much off-kilter, and no matter how many good dating tips you get from this board or elsewhere, they will not pay off for you as long as you have that cloud of emotional negativity surrounding you.

What I often see in such cases is that the women who have your mindset either continue to stay single, or they get into bad relationships in which they are left worse off than before, and maybe have a kid or two to boot after that. So, they wanted a relationship SO badly, and at the end of the day, they still don't have one, but have lots more emotional baggage than they did in the beginning... not to mention, the burden of raising kids alone, in many cases.

So, I honestly would step back from PlentyofFish, Match.com, etc., and put the idea of dating on hiatus for a minute until you reach an emotionally healthy state in which you can make better choices and have a better overall attitude about this.

I wish I could do that in person!

I know your money is tight right now, but read the book that FlowerHair suggested. I did the exercises too (well, uh, okay, I dropped out of the challenge ), and I think they are very good at helping one get to the root of other issues that might be hampering one from having a healthy relationship.

With the bolded, that sounds almost word-for-word what a friend of mine has said multiple times... she is 32 and she's had three very unfulfilling relationships. So she's had "men," but she still hasn't come close to finding what she really wants, so in the end, the relationships didn't mean all that much. I hope she reaches that point of self-acceptance, because until then, she's going to always be disappointed in this realm.

Miss Celina, I'm going to co-sign on with Bunny77. It would really serve you well to figure out why you feel the way you do about yourself. Some professional counseling might be immensely helpful to you in general, not just in your relationship life.

With regards to the bolded, you are much more likely to attract a compatible and supportive mate who loves you if you are able to love and accept yourself first.

I've seen a couple of cases where a woman with low self-esteem hooked up with someone she thought was her savior and those relationships have not worked. In one instance he was attracted to her because of her low self-esteem and because her happiness depended on him. As she started to grow as a person he resented it and this was reflected in his behavior towards her.

In the other case, a man who was all peaches in cream during the courtship became increasingly abusive after the marriage. Again, because of her low self-esteem he felt entitled to possess and control her.

Being in a loving relationship is a wonderful thing but a man can not define you or your happiness. You need to do that for yourself. And the beautiful thing is, when you do that, quality men with good intentions are more likely to be attracted to you as well.

I shouldn't be in this thread because I'm married (for now) and the bolded comments were so on point. I mean there was some real poignant truth in the sentiments expressed here and I hope OP takes them all to heart. Besides that, I have nothing else to add.

 

[SweetTea]

Celina,

I don't think there's anything wrong with being single. If you are happy being single, then no amount of nagging, questions, opinions you didn't ask for etc. from other people will bother you. But from reading some of your posts, it seems that you are not happy being single. There's nothing wrong with this either. But I think your problem goes deeper than being single v being in a relationship. You actually sound a lot like me.

I've never had a boyfriend or been out on a date. I'm not quite 21 yet so I've got plenty of time, but other than 1 other friend of mine, I'm the only person I know who's never had a boyfriend. People always ask me "Don't you care? Aren't you lonely?" And at the moment, I honestly don't care. I don't want a boyfriend or SO because I am not in the place to have one right now. I always had a low self-image and I still do. I've always been overweight and I never thought I was pretty. Growing up my mom always made mean comments about my weight but never did anything to help me fix it as a child. At school, boys were confusing. They would call me ugly one day and slap me on the behind the next day. As a young teen I often felt lower than dirt. In my last year of middle school and throughout high school I really wanted a BF but was rarely approached. When guys would ask me out it always seemed so out-of-the-blue and random and since I knew I was unattractive, I just knew they were only joking with me and wanted to hurt my feelings (I still think this.) Yet, I was always hoping and thinking if I found someone that loved me, I could finally be happy. Luckily, I found out at a relatively young age that only you can make you happy. Relying on someone else is no good. What happens if/when they leave?

I'm not looking for a relationship right now because I don't need to be in one. It's cliche, but it's true. You can't love someone else until you love yourself first. If I had a boyfriend I wouldn't want him touching me, because I don't feel attractive. If he told me I look nice, I wouldn't believe him. So I need to get to a place where that won't be an issue. I don't even believe it myself yet, but surely I can't be that bad that no one would ever like me.

Sooooo my rambling aside, if you are truly happy being single, enjoy your singledom. If you are not, by all means, seek what you want! Don't feel you have to punish yourself and do what others want you to do. But please please please don't look to a relationship to resolve whatever conflict you are having within yourself. Being an insecure partner in a relationship never works out nicely. Don't do yourself that injustice.

Hope you'll be happy, whatever you do.