If you found out your boyfriend had domestic violence in his past...

[puffmomma]

What would you do? He's never abused you, but abused a past girlfriend. It's something you find out after dating him for a little while.

Automatic break up? Ask him to get counseling? Stay with him if he did already get counseling? Something else?

Note: Not speaking from personal experience. The Chris Brown thing just had me thinking about this

 

[Dee Raven]

I could be wrong, but I feel like abuse is something that happens between two specific people. So I honestly wouldn't assume that just because there was domestic violence issues in the previous relationship that they would necessarily show up in my relationship because I'm a different person. And I'm very anal about the energy in my relationships to begin with. But we'd definitely have to discuss it, because if I get hit, that's an automatic game over. And I do believe in pressing charges. And I do believe in letting male family members know.

 

[Lucie]

I used to date a guy when I was about 15/16 that used to beat women. He never hit me. I only found out about his Ike-like behavior after we broke up. When I confronted him, he said he never had a reason to hit me and I wasn't the sort of chick that was mouthy and combatative. erplexed I guess he had "reasons" for why one chick got hit versus another.

 

[frizzy]

I voted "other" for shiz and giggles.

I wouldn't let him know right away that it's over......but it would definitely be over. No need for me to stand around waiting my turn for a beatdown.

I never have and never would date a dude with that kind of behavior in his repertoire.

 

[varaneka]

I found out that one guy I used to talk to had a g/f and beat her up and all the other girls he had been with prior to her. so I stopped answering his calls/messages.

I come from an abusive home, and I promised myself I'd never be in that situation with anyone ever again. I don't care if the guy gets counseling. Even if he's changed, I couldn't trust him. That's just me.

 

[KEWLKAT103]

I would have to know more details of what happened. He could have been trying to get her off of him or something and he got turned in. Also, maybe he was young and got help dealing with his anger.
There could be a bunch of reasons that this is in his record.
I would take it on a case by case basis.

 

[Lovestyr]

Just because he may have had a violent encounter before doesnt not mean he is going to do to you.....know it varies based on the severity of the event..like what exactly did he do to her..what were the charges did he go to jail stuff like that....theres is no excuse or reason in my book for a man to put his hands on a woman....if i found out my man did something like that in he past i will stay with him...if i havent felt threatned by him yet or he has never harmed me anyway...why break up...people do mend their ways..so i would accept that happended in the past and leave in the past.....and like i have always been told you really dont have any control on what a person do to you the first time..because you cant read their mind and it may just come unexoected..but, the next timeeeeeeeee around you can defineltney prevent it from happening....if you know what i am saying lol you ladies that have seen snappeddd know what i mean ...lol

 

[ThickHair]

I was involved briefly with someone who I later found out hit a previous gf. Him and I had arguements large and small but he never raised a hand to hit me. I did know that he had a bad temper. Actually we are cool now and he has hit other woman after me. I would never have another relationship with him though. He is a very abusive man, I don't know how I didn't get it, seriously.

I think I am going to ask him one day, what up with that.

 

[Butterfly08]

I was involved briefly with someone who I later found out hit a previous gf. Him and I had arguements large and small but he never raised a hand to hit me. I did know that he had a bad temper. Actually we are cool now and he has hit other woman after me. I would never have another relationship with him though. He is a very abusive man, I don't know how I didn't get it, seriously.

I think I am going to ask him one day, what up with that.

I hope you don't take offense to this question, but how can you be friends with an abuser? I don't even like hanging around people who are mean or talk badly about others for unwarranted reasons. Can you tell I don't have a lot of friends?

But that's one I don't think I could handle. I mean I know that a some abusers are very charismatic and are fun to hang around, but that's because you see them when they're up. IDK, it would make me uneasy, just knowing how they can be when they go down (bipolar).......

 

[sky_blu]

I voted "other" for shiz and giggles.

I wouldn't let him know right away that it's over......but it would definitely be over. No need for me to stand around waiting my turn for a beatdown.

I never have and never would date a dude with that kind of behavior in his repertoire.

Exactly! Ive dated a guy where I found out early on that he had hit a woman in the past. Silly me stayed around until we started fighting, physically fitting. It started off just playing around until he hit me too hard then it got to the point where if he felt like hitting me he would hit me. Being "mouthy" doesn't justify putting your hands on anybody. I've learned from that and past experiences that if he's physically abusive leave the first time.

 

[MD_Lady]

Since constantly wondering if/when he's going to "slip up" is no way to live, I'd have to break up with him.

 

[frizzy]

Just because he may have had a violent encounter before doesnt not mean he is going to do to you.....know it varies based on the severity of the event..like what exactly did he do to her..what were the charges did he go to jail stuff like that....theres is no excuse or reason in my book for a man to put his hands on a woman....if i found out my man did something like that in he past i will stay with him...if i havent felt threatned by him yet or he has never harmed me anyway...why break up...people do mend their ways..so i would accept that happended in the past and leave in the past.....and like i have always been told you really dont have any control on what a person do to you the first time..because you cant read their mind and it may just come unexoected..but, the next timeeeeeeeee around you can defineltney prevent it from happening....if you know what i am saying lol you ladies that have seen snappeddd know what i mean ...lol

Soooooooooooooo, what constitutes an acceptable, mild to light butt whooping, to you? Is a heavy beatdown with no charges or jail time okay? Can you kick-it and look at this dude the same way when you find out some information like this?

 

[lilmsjanet]

id love him and stay with him...even after he beats me chris brown style..heyyyy

 

[spelmanlocks]

I would probably drop him, because although he hasn't hit you yet, he might in the future. I did hear a radio show where men called in and said they did not hit every woman they dated, but found that some women bought the abuser out in them. Still couldn't do it though.

 

[TayMac]

That's a red flag that I will have to pay attention to. My ex that abused me, abused his next girlfriend and she knew that he was abusive. I wish women would stop thinking they can be the ONE that changes him or so much more "special" than the previous woman in regards to things like this.

So yes, if I find out that you have a past as a woman beater, I'm out before get too attached to me and things get ugly (you stalking me and not wanting me to move on etc).

 

[frizzy]

TayMac you've said a mouthful, I didn't have to learn that the hard way. I'm really surprised at some of the responses...The new mantra should be "once a beater...always a beater."

Sorry you went through it Tay.

 

[TayMac]

Well I hate for anyone to go through it and I hate to say that people can't change but there is too much at stake (my life) for me to find out.

Abusive behavior is very serious and it's not something that can be easily changed. And any man who is blaming the abuse on the woman is not on that road to recovery.

 

[FlowerHair]

Knowing what I know about abusers, I would leave asap!
I couldn't stay with someone that dislikes women to that degree
NEVER!

ETA I wanted to add that the man who abused me abused ALL his girlfriends. ALL of them. Ever since he was a teenager until the day he died. If that's who you are, that's who you are. There are very, very few that recover from that type of behavior. I want to say that no one recovers, but I'm sure there is an extreme exception out there somewhere.

 

[Denise11]

If I even hear rumors that he has abused a woman, I'm gone! I don't even respect men that refers to women as *itches. It's a shame how women stay with men thinking they are special and something had to be wrong with the woman for him to beat her up and that he wouldn't do that to her. It's like women that tell other women "if you were taking care of your man he wouldn't have cheated".

Cheaters cheat and abusers abuse. That's just what they do if you ever do something that they don't like. If I heard that he abused a woman, I wouldn't wait around to find out if it's true, and I certainly wouldn't be his friend!

 

[calliope]

I would head for the hills so I wouldn't have to bob and weave. He can go rehabiliate on someone else.

ETA:
As for staying unless he does something to you- maybe you yourself don't piss him off, but you never know if your kids/ future kids would, so why take that chance?

 

[FloweringSakura]

Instant breakup. I love myself.

 

[ThickHair]

I hope you don't take offense to this question, but how can you be friends with an abuser? I don't even like hanging around people who are mean or talk badly about others for unwarranted reasons. Can you tell I don't have a lot of friends?

But that's one I don't think I could handle. I mean I know that a some abusers are very charismatic and are fun to hang around, but that's because you see them when they're up. IDK, it would make me uneasy, just knowing how they can be when they go down (bipolar).......

No offense taken, it is just that we have been around each other for years, prior to our involvement and it is just the way it is. I really don't have a good answer for it. Some how it never got to the point of violence with him and me. Same way that some people have abusers in their family, they just don't get involved with it. He didn't bring any mess to me, so hey, the woman stay after the thumpings and lets say he is a pretty popular guy in my area for reason's when I found out that is why we had a very brief involvement, ie CEO of street pharmacuticals. That is how why he never is lonely. I knew him before the $$$, when he was plain ole Pookie. He has a very large employee base. I can't do that.

 

[awhyley]

I did hear a radio show where men called in and said they did not hit every woman they dated, but found that some women bought the abuser out in them.

Yeah, the ones they thought wouldn't call the police and report them.

Any man who is blaming the abuse on the woman is not on that road to recovery.

Nuff said.

 

[Denise11]

No offense taken, it is just that we have been around each other for years, prior to our involvement and it is just the way it is. I really don't have a good answer for it. Some how it never got to the point of violence with him and me. Same way that some people have abusers in their family, they just don't get involved with it. He didn't bring any mess to me, so hey, the woman stay after the thumpings and lets say he is a pretty popular guy in my area for reason's when I found out that is why we had a very brief involvement, ie CEO of street pharmacuticals. That is how why he never is lonely. I knew him before the $$$, when he was plain ole Pookie. He has a very large employee base. I can't do that.

None of this makes any sense to me. Just because he's a popular drug dealer is why you're still friends with this abuser? Or because the women stayed?

I don't care how much illegal money he's got, or how many friends or women that want him, he's still an abuser, and one sick puppy!

 

[ThickHair]

None of this makes any sense to me. Just because he's a popular drug dealer is why you're still friends with this abuser? Or because the women stayed?

I don't care how much illegal money he's got, or how many friends or women that want him, he's still an abuser, and one sick puppy!

No, I am not friends with him because his is a drug dealer. I was friends with him before he was a drug dealer and I continue to be friends with him after that. It is not like we are hanging out like BFF's. We speak when we see each other, we ask each other about our respective families and that is it. His money didn't impress me.

People are friends with people who have worst personality traits. I have read it right here on LHCF in black and white. That is what I choose to do. I am not making an excuse for him. I am explaining because I put it out there. If I was so ashamed I wouldn't have said jack.

 

[RavenMaven]

BREAK UP. NO MAN IS THAT IMPORTANT FOR ME TO RISK MY LIFE TO HIS HANDS. IF HE EVER HIT A WOMAN, THAT'S HIS MENTALITY, AND I'M NOT TRYING TO DEAL WITH THAT. NEXT!!!!

 

[Denise11]

No, I am not friends with him because his is a drug dealer. I was friends with him before he was a drug dealer and I continue to be friends with him after that. It is not like we are hanging out like BFF's. We speak when we see each other, we ask each other about our respective families and that is it. His money didn't impress me.

People are friends with people who have worst personality traits. I have read it right here on LHCF in black and white. That is what I choose to do. I am not making an excuse for him. I am explaining because I put it out there. If I was so ashamed I wouldn't have said jack.

As a woman, I can't think of a worse personality trait for a man to have.

 

[ThickHair]

As a woman, I can't think of a worse personality trait for a man to have.

To each it's own. I can respect that.

 

[Nayna]

Back to the topic, no I would not date an abuser, the very first thing I ask his behind is if hes ever hit a woman, I don't care if she was mouthy, a whore, or anything otherwise, cus any type of force on a woman is wrong, and if he has the potential to do it then whp's to say what will tick him off, no thanks

 

[daydreem2876]

having been there and done that... something in my soul wont let me do it again.