If you found out your boyfriend had domestic violence in his past...

[Nelli04]

TayMac you've said a mouthful, I didn't have to learn that the hard way. I'm really surprised at some of the responses...The new mantra should be "once a beater...always a beater."

Sorry you went through it Tay.

when does one become labeled a beater?????

I always considered a man/ woman a beater when they hit someone out of anger...or without a justifiable reason.
Is someone a beater if they are hit first and hit back????

are both parties then considered beaters?

 

[Spongie Bloom]

So...what he didnt hit me cause I am special and all the other girls before me were worthless?? am i supposed to feel good about that? Nope it is over, no more questions asked i dont need to know...its a deal breaker for me There are way too many men out there for me to be sticking to a man like skin on a sausage

 

[DMJ's Mom]

I think it would depend. How long we've been together (a while could be 1year of 10 years) if he's shown me no history of violence then I see no need to instantly break up with him for a past mistake. Counseling would be a mega plus. I think in some cases hitting woman can be something stupid done in youth and as a man matures he learns healthier ways to address anger, frustrations etc. I've had a couple of close male friends that admit in the past they had hit (or in one case kicked) a woman. But from what I saw (and I can say this with 99% certainty) of their relationships (years later) and girlfriends they hadn't abused them.

 

[prettypuff1]

Oh no.... There is no way.. i will not get in line for the next beating.....

 

[filthyfresh]

I'd stay unless he did something to me.
I have no idea what happened in that relationship.
That's not to put blame on the woman.
Shoot, I should tell my next boyfriends about my abusive history.
I've gotten an ex arrested on purpose and burned another one's clothes.
I beat on one of them with a shoe & headbutted him.
So I'm no walk in the park either. LOL.

 

[msa]

And any man who is blaming the abuse on the woman is not on that road to recovery.

Thank you!

 

[FluffyRed]

I chose the counseling answer, but I am not even sure counseling would work.

I could not be with that dude.

 

[Iansan]

Be out, every man that I've ever known to abuse a woman in the past, ended up doing the same to their current wife/girlfriend eventually...

 

[MizzBrown]

Probably would, probably wouldn't.

Its unfair to judge someone on their past and act like I was an Angel in mine.

If he were to turn around and ask me questions that were considered HIS dealbreakers, then he would leave me too.

If a man found out that you had a bad temper and were notorious for bustin windows out of cars and slashing tires, then you could do the same thing to him...it goes both ways.

People have done some effed up stuff in their past that ranks higher than domestic violence.

 

[Denise11]

We are talking about men who are abusers, but if a woman was an abuser, I'd tell a man to run from her too. Abuse is abuse, plain and simple, no matter who's doing it, and I tell anyone to stay away from that person! They are bad news IMO.

Probably would, probably wouldn't.

Its unfair to judge someone on their past and act like I was an Angel in mine.

If he were to turn around and ask me questions that were considered HIS dealbreakers, then he would leave me too.

If a man found out that you had a bad temper and were notorious for bustin windows out of cars and slashing tires, then you could do the same thing to him...it goes both ways.

People have done some effed up stuff in their past that ranks higher than domestic violence.

 

[Misshairdiva]

OK, this is MY story:
I dated a guy who was abusive. I was young and had no clue about how to check up on a guys history. Fast forward to the year of 2009 and I am looking up names on a website, and I see he went to jail for MURDERING a girl. When I looked on this site for his name, he had a LIST of domestic abuse cases against him from several women!

If only I had known...
This is a website for any MARYLAND ladies who want to see if a person has went to court, just put their name in here. Had I had THIS type of information, I would have not even given this man the time of day!!
http://casesearch.courts.state.md.us/inquiry/inquiry-index.jsp
PM me if this link doesnt work. You can just type in anyones name that lives in Md and see if and what they went to court for!
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER LADIES!!!! Single ladies use this site BEFORE you go on a date!!! As long as he lives in Md, just type in his name!!

 

[puffmomma]

Probably would, probably wouldn't.

Its unfair to judge someone on their past and act like I was an Angel in mine.

If he were to turn around and ask me questions that were considered HIS dealbreakers, then he would leave me too.

If a man found out that you had a bad temper and were notorious for bustin windows out of cars and slashing tires, then you could do the same thing to him...it goes both ways.

People have done some effed up stuff in their past that ranks higher than domestic violence.

Destroying property is a potential deal breaker too. If someone can't argue without resorting to some kind of violence, stay away from me. I don't want to deal with that.

 

[FluffyRed]

Good info, hair diva

Here's one for VIRGINIA.

Here's one for TEXAS.

Just cuz I'm checking for myself...

 

[Xerxes]

Instant breakup. I love myself.

You deserve a standing ovation!!! We need to love ourselves! I wish I could start selling shirts that simply state "I Love Me"!

Women don't have to settle just to have a man. We need to love ourselves enough not to stay in stupid abusive or even potentially abusive situations. Some body needs to repost that Rhianna pic up in here. None of these girls should be even imagining staying with a known abuser. I don't care if he hasn't pimpslapped you yet, why wait around for your beatdown?

This is why some men think women are stupid, we take lust and pretend it's love and risk our lives to support it.

 

[Lylddlebit]

~~~~~~~~~Deleted~~~~~~~~~~

 

[MuseofTroy]

What would you do? He's never abused you, but abused a past girlfriend. It's something you find out after dating him for a little while.

Automatic break up? Ask him to get counseling? Stay with him if he did already get counseling? Something else?

Note: Not speaking from personal experience. The Chris Brown thing just had me thinking about this

OOO Puffmomma that's a good question!

How many abusers actually get therapy and healed from those types of behaviorial disorders?

How long ago did he break up with his girlfriend? Most abusers have a track record of picking women they can victimize. Hmmm honestly I would probably break up with him.

 

[JewelleNY]

even if he didn't hit me, I would lose all attraction to him at that point. what kind of man is this really

 

[Denise11]

You start off saying how you wouldn't stay with this man; how you would back away from him. As you go on, you start leaning towards him and at the end you are justifying his actions of abuse.

This is what happens to abused women. It's a problem. We have to learn that abuse is wrong and that it's dangerous to to every woman when we protect abusers by justifying their abuse against ANY woman.

Honestly I think that would turn me off and I would back away from him. The thing of it is I have dated a guy who was the sweetest man in the world to me. I later found out that he beat the girl he was in relationship a following me up in a major way. He never so much as yelled at me and when I made him angry it I never felt like he would harm me physically. Some ppl just don't mesh. I still don't believe that him being violent with the next chick was so much a character trait as it was a isolated encounter with that particular person. Because I knew better from my own experience.

 

[puffmomma]

OOO Puffmomma that's a good question!

...

How long ago did he break up with his girlfriend?

I dunno. How about a year?

 

[Rapunzel*]

Good info, hair diva

Here's one for VIRGINIA.

Here's one for TEXAS.

Just cuz I'm checking for myself...

can you find one for california pls?

 

[Denise11]

Good info, hair diva

Here's one for VIRGINIA.

Here's one for TEXAS.

Just cuz I'm checking for myself...

Can you find one for Illinois?

 

[haitianchick]

I have to agree with you. If they have a repeat history of just beating chicks down then no but you can't disregard someone on their past. I have a history of hitting my boyfriend first or purposely trying to provoke him to hit me. I've broken windows out his car and is house, sugared 2 tanks, slashed 12 tires plus a lot of other unthinkable things. So does this mean that u should be left alone for the rest of my life? Granted all things were done to one person and over the course of 7 years

Probably would, probably wouldn't.

Its unfair to judge someone on their past and act like I was an Angel in mine.

If he were to turn around and ask me questions that were considered HIS dealbreakers, then he would leave me too.

If a man found out that you had a bad temper and were notorious for bustin windows out of cars and slashing tires, then you could do the same thing to him...it goes both ways.

People have done some effed up stuff in their past that ranks higher than domestic violence.

 

[Ebony Majesty]

I was in this situation last year
He previously worked where I was working at the time and one day came to visit me with a friend. He was speaking to my friend, then my manager, and I saw security run upstairs. He came to me after and said she asked him to leave & what not and he didn't know the reason why. My manager approached me after he left and questioned my relationship with him, She said she's looking out for me and didn't want me to get caught up in the drama and how everyone is on high alert when he comes in.
A few hours later as I was leaving work, one of the security guys approached me and TOLD ME how this guy pulled out a knife to previous employee he was seeing and beat her.
To know that everyone around me knew and I didn't (then again I don't think they were aware I was seeing him) and I felt soooooo stupid. I had to break up with him, sorry

 

[Allandra]

I wouldn't be bothered with him.

 

[Ramya]

We would be over.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I learned this about men and their various relationships.

My cousin was in a relationship with a guy. Found out he used to beat his previous girlfriend. She was shocked because she never experienced him jump out there like that.

My sister was in a relationship with a guy. Found out he used to beat his previous girlfriend. She was shocked because she never experienced him jump out there like that.

Moral of the story...a man will get away with whatever you let him get away with. If he previous weakness on your end and feels he can control and exploit you, some men will do just that.

But then again, I'd leave because if you even think about hitting me, the men of my family will kill you. Period.

 

[tiara76]

I have had men say to me you seem way too perfect, dont tell me you are one of those psycho type chicks.....

i tell them I have had a history of being violent...i tried to kill one of my ex's...not scare him...kill him..managed to only bang him up with some 10lb weights and slice up his lip before he fell down the stairs.....we had a turbulent relationship and I could call the man abusive and i did for awhile until i realize that pointing fingers out always has three pointing back at you...yes he was angry and lashed outwards...but so was I and usually abusers who lash outwards tend to attract people who direct anger inwards which is why somebody always seems to be the "victim" on the other end of the "abuser", they are just as angry and emotionally messed up as the abuser

by the time the relationship was over as much as he tried to break me down, I came out stronger and not only crushed, stomped and kicked his ego everytime I was "mad", he had his head through a wall, busted lips where I punched him in it, and I told him it wasn't me, it was him "making" me act this way

it wasn't him..it was me...he was just a reflection of the anger i had myself and for years my dad and friends would comment on my bad temper and of course I was like...there is nothing wrong with me, its other people who make me act a fool when I get mad, and I don't get mad that often so its not a big deal...blah blah blah.....

anger has been a good emotion for me in alot of ways, however with no control over it, very destructive

I am very good at managing it and recognizing it when it arises and getting to the root of it before i lash out at somebody else....and a couple times over the years there have been times where I wanted to smash somebody's head in and i just redirected the anger to be constructive for me vs destructive to somebody else....

anytime you meet somebody who has had anger issues and abuse type relationships in the past one key sign to know if they still have issues is to listen to how they describe other people involved...people can say I'm sorry for my behavior and won't do it again, however if they tend to place alot of blame on other people and hone in on other people's flaws and issues vs their own, there is a good chance they haven't truly addressed they have a real problem....they acknowledge their behavior but its always somebody else who is the "cause" of the problem

that relationship i was in seemingly to others was a "bad' one...its been one of the best ones for me in my self growth....if i refuse to see something within that needs to be addressed and fixed, a situation outside of me will transpire to reflect it back...once i stopped blaming him and realized he had his own issues and that I had my own, and he actually went to anger management classes on his own while I was like...

GOOD YOU NEED EM!...like I didn't

compassion is what my feelings for him were from then on out and I always pray he gets/has healing and love in his life and makes/made changes.....nothing but love for him as well as for myself

 

[Bene]

I haven't ever had a S/O hit me. I did once get shaken (like a million years ago, it seems) when I tried to rip his chain off his neck, and then threw a CD case at him and caught him in the face with it. We laugh about it now, because at the time I was sooooooooo mad. We both were, and he admits "That's the only time I've ever felt tempted to smack you upside the back of the head". But we've both grown up, and ever since we got the dog, it seems that our arguments never get beyond the "I'm so not talking to you" stage. We try not to argue in front of the dog because our munchkin gets upset and thinks we're yelling at him and he puts himself in the corner.

Anyway, it's possible that people can change. I'm not saying all the time, but there are instances that it's happened. I wouldn't stick around if someone hit me, just once and I'll be out the door. But I'm not going to automatically leave someone if it's happened in the past with his previous relationships. Nor would I bring it up or sit around dwelling on it, because I think in some way that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.