I walked in on him with another woman

[Afrolatina]

Thanks. I love self-help books. Just ordered it on amazon. I'm actually looking forward to this new journey. I'm back at home for the holidays and this time away from it all around people who really love me will be just what I need. Thanks again.

Great! No problem!
lol girllll I used to be the ONLY person that would willingly and by myself (while I worked at a bookstore) walk into the self-help section (which also, embarrassingly enough, would be located across from sex and relationships lol), promptly grab a book and sit on the floor during my lunch breaks. That's actually how I found this book- I was questioning if my ex could truly be my soulmate and bought it on a whim.

I definitely think you have EVERYTHING to look forward to!
your whole life and some of the best relationships await you not too far off in the distance. Enjoy and let me know how it goes for you!
Happy Holiday!

 

[Sunnrayy]

Great! No problem!
lol girllll I used to be the ONLY person that would willingly and by myself (while I worked at a bookstore) walk into the self-help section (which also, embarrassingly enough, would be located across from sex and relationships lol), promptly grab a book and sit on the floor during my lunch breaks. That's actually how I found this book- I was questioning if my ex could truly be my soulmate and bought it on a whim.

I definitely think you have EVERYTHING to look forward to!
your whole life and some of the best relationships await you not too far off in the distance. Enjoy and let me know how it goes for you!
Happy Holiday!

I will keep you updated Afrolatina. Thanks for listening and understanding. Your experiences and how you grew from them really helped me.

 

[niqu92]

giirl..drop it like its hot


as some ppl said he wad probably messing with her even before then. If you got back with him you'd be a damn fool. of course its easier said then done especially since youve been w.him for so long but you need to let that one go

 

[Iammoney]

im sorry but the fact that you asked shows you already know the answer you just want confirmation. no woman in here is going to say"yeah girl i would give him another chance."im sorry to be so blunt.

 

[Miss_C]

I have been there. Unfortuanately a man can get over you *real* quick if he wants to.

 

[blasianbeauty]

He has probably been hooking up with that chick for a lot longer than 4 days. You just never know with guys. They say that after the 21st (the recent winter solstice and the lunar eclipse) , a lot of truths will be revealed.

I believe so also, and she will still probably be there even after all of this. I would be done with him and move on.

 

[weaveadiva]

i agree that you should let it go and i'm sorry you found out what you did

however (unpopular opinion following), you said "did he really think it was over so soon?"

whether he was wrong or right, you were broken up. as a matter of fact, YOU did the breaking up. you can't just throw stuff like that around if you ain't really ready for it

even if y'all had been together a decade, he was technically a free man and you showed up unanounced at dude's home

so yeah, that's messed up that you caught them together and i know you were shocked but it's not like y'all were together

also, didn't you say y'all have broken up multiple times? so maybe it's not a picture-perfect, solid relationship? maybe it's not like he just ran out after one little tiff and screwed the first thing moving? maybe the relationship was already rocky and this was just the culmination?

anyway, sorry for rambling. please don't flame me for my humble little opinion

i truly hope you find peace and do what's right for you

 

[Sunnrayy]

i agree that you should let it go and i'm sorry you found out what you did

however (unpopular opinion following), you said "did he really think it was over so soon?"

whether he was wrong or right, you were broken up. as a matter of fact, YOU did the breaking up. you can't just throw stuff like that around if you ain't really ready for it

even if y'all had been together a decade, he was technically a free man and you showed up unanounced at dude's home

so yeah, that's messed up that you caught them together and i know you were shocked but it's not like y'all were together

also, didn't you say y'all have broken up multiple times? so maybe it's not a
picture-perfect, solid relationship? maybe it's not like he just ran out after one little tiff and screwed the first thing moving? maybe the relationship was already rocky and this was just the culmination?


anyway, sorry for rambling. please don't flame me for my humble little opinio




i truly hope you find peace and do what's right for you

I hear where u are coming from. That's what his argument is: that technically we were broken up. But my thing is if he really thought that why did he show up to my house unannounced the day before? He wanted to talk face to face as well. And if he'd caught me in the act he'd be DONE with a capital D.


He would've been like : "and you say you love me? Aint no fuc*** way.". He's made statements to me about a break-up we had before when I'd gone out with another guy that he couldn't BELIEVE I'd actually gone out with someone else. It's such a double standard.


Either way, I spent a lot of years with him and i love him. After 4 1/2 years this will be hard (especially on Xmas day, it's my first Xmas w/o him in years) but I have to think about me first. I know now that I won't be apart of the breaking up to make-up game whenever I venture into a relationship again. But this relationship is over. I will NEVER get that image of what I saw out of my head and I would NEVER trust him again.

 

[texasqt]

I hadn't read the entire thread but I will add that (1) you've already pointed out a few behaviors of his that you cannot tolerate that he will not change (not until he's ready anyway) and (2) not to speculate but what if every time you have broken up he's slept with someone? I'm guessing y'all have been intimate too so that should be enough for you to high tail it out of there. Too much of him going back and forth. Instead of him sleeping with someone else he should have been working on getting back with you and he wasn't. In his mind, he probably thinks he can do whatever during the break because you are always going to come back around. And you really don't have a leg to stand on because he's argument will be you were not together. It doesn't matter if it was 1 day or 4 days. You were broken up so he didn't cheat. Lucky for you he didn't act a donkey with you and front like he was with the girl. What if he's response to her was "She's my ex and she's crazy. I want to be with you snow bunny!" Then what?

You're gonna have to take an L on this one or at least not rush back into a relationship with this dude just because its Christmas. He expects for you to be done with him and if you aren't, I hate to say it but he's going to look at you/respect you differently.

Him: Man she caught me in the bed with Snow Bunny.
Homeboy: Aww man, what happened?
Him: Shiz nothing. She got all mad and stuff. (phone rings) That's Sunnrayy calling me now. She don't care. We still together.
Homeboy: Daaaaannnngggg! You the man!!!


I'm just saying...

 

[texasqt]

**delete***

 

[Sunnrayy]

I hadn't read the entire thread but I will add that (1) you've already pointed out a behavior of his that you cannot tolerate that he will not change (not until he's ready anyway) and (2) not to speculate but what if every time you have broken up he's slept with someone else and I'm guessing y'all have been intimate so that should be enough for you to high tail it out of there. Instead of him sleeping with someone else he should have been working on getting back with you and he wasn't. In his mind, he probably thinks he can do whatever during the break because you are always going to come back around. And you really don't have a leg to stand on because he's argument will be you were not together. It doesn't matter if it was 1 day or 4 days. You were broken up so he didn't cheat. However, don't settle. If he cared, he would not have created the situation. Someone better (and safer) is out there.

Thanks for your words. You are right. I know he really didn't cheat, technically because we were broken up but like you said he wasn't spending his time trying to get back together or work on us, he was busy trying to get sex with another woman. If he cared about what we had why was someone else even on his mind, hook-up or not. I believe he's done it before and it is unsafe. I went to the dr. To get STD checked the day I walked in on him.

 

[texasqt]

^ Good to hear. I read more of the thread and you already know what to do. Trust your mind in this and definitely count it as a blessing. That is not something you want to be dealing with for 4 more years and don't let it get you down during the holidays. When people show you their hand CHEAT and win the game!

 

[Farida]

Hey ladies,

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We've broken up 3 to 5 times. The longest break-up was for 3mths. We had a bad argument A few days ago and I broke up with him. He has a problem with cursing at me when we talk and I asked him to stop as I have many times but he wouldn't and I blew up. Also after so many yrs he still doesn't think he's ready for marriage.

Anyway, it was 4 days after the big argument/break-up. I went over to his crib to talk face to face (i have a key)and found him asleep after a sexual act with a white b****
I'm sure you can glean the rest, I tell her to get the f*** out. Blow up at him. He says he's not with her in front of the chick. She's like no, we were just hooking up. That she didn't know he was with someone. He's all sorry and apologetic and just kept saying we were broken up and that meant he could do what he wanted. As well If i just stop breaking up with him this wouldve never happened.

I just can't get over the fact that he was sleeping with someone so fast. How
could he love me truly if he could be with someone so fast?

I know we were technically broken up but that image is seared into my brain and the fact that it was soooo soon after. I know men are different from us but dang. What do u ladies think? Advice is needed, maybe I should just let go of this relationship altogether. I'm tempted to because I'm tired. When do you just say when?

Breaking up 5 times in 4 1/2 years? IMO that shows the two of you would not have a good marriage. It is not impossible but it is not likely.

Don't waste your life on some jackass. That's 4.5 yrs. You could have gotten a B.A. or phd in that time.

 

[shelli4018]

Men are so stupid sometimes! As soon as the OP is over this guy he'll chase her like there's no tomorrow. I would leave him so fast his head would spin.

See....men won't act right if they know you'll entertain their BS.

Drop this guy and focus your energy toward something that makes you feel fabulous or improves you in some way. And please don't allow him to shift blame to you. He behaved terribly. You did not.

 

[Silkycoils]

I am sorry to be blunt, I know you are hurting and this is a difficult time for you. However, how could you expect someone that immature to be ready for marriage? More importantly why would you want to marry him? He is not marriage material. It kills me how many women of every color are in this situation. A man should want to marry you and feel blessed to do so. If he doesn't, marriage will make a bad situation worse because the reasons he didn't want to get married will cause him to act out, many times out of spite. People aren't who they say they are they are who they have always been. Is this what you want your marriage to look like? Girl, it is time to take a good look at your life and your decisions and take inventory. What you need is to figure out what you want in a relationship or a man, and begin to work on yourself so you can be a good match and attract it. There are no short cuts to a good man or relationship. And though every relationship has its problems, there ARE a few rules that should always hold true, there must be love AND respect. The bottom line he has no respect for you. I will tell you a man isn't going to have a good relationship with someone he doesn't respect. That is why he will cuss and sleep around and think a sorry should be enough. You are teaching him, and those who are watching you, that you don't deserve respect and consideration. The good ones will run the other way, cause it sounds like drama, and the bad ones will line up to take their turn mistreating you and disrespecting you. The only way to change this is to make a choice right now, to make better decisions by learning from your mistakes. What is it that you think is going to happen with this man? He is suddenly going to change, profess his love, and be the man of your dreams? Not likely, at the very least he would need a reason to change and so far you haven't given him one as you will tolerate him disrespecting you even after you have explained how you felt about him cussing you out. Now, it seems like you are actually on the verge of taking him back, and for what? 4 and 1/2 years of disrespect? 4 and 1/2 years ain't nothing in a lifetime. And don't give me the it hasn't all been bad act, because the bad in this relationship is bad enough to overshadow the good. To many women out there that are dealing with men who are almost good catches. I tell my friends like this, if a priest raises millions of dollars for the poor, works diligently in his community, and helps others in their time of need but touches one child...all of the good he has done is tainted. People won't weigh the good against the bad, they will see him for what he is a child molestor. Who would trust him with their child? There are just some lines that cannot be crossed regardless of the good someone has done. He has trample the very basics of being a good man, caring about your feelings and being faithful. Count your losses and your blessings and move on. And if you are carrying some extra drama as well...then please take my suggestion and take sometime to soul search and be honest with yourself so that you can have the life you deserve with the people you need in it.

Best Wishes

 

[gabulldawg]

OP I feel for you. I truly do! Our situations are so similar, it's scary. I don't even know how many times I "broke up" with my ex. Sometimes over stupid stuff, and other times the break ups were justified, but I still always took him back. I was so dumb back then. If I had known then what I know now... But hey, hindsight is 20/20.

If you need someone to talk to just let me know. I know how you feel. I messed around with my ex for almost 4 years. Such a waste of my life!! erplexed When things first ended I was so heart broken. I never thought I'd love again. But I am now with a man who treats me like a queen. I am so happy now, and you can be happy, too.

Good luck to you.

 

[Sunnrayy]

Men are so stupid sometimes! As soon as the OP is over this guy he'll chase her like there's no tomorrow. I would leave him so fast his head would spin.

See....men won't act right if they know you'll entertain their BS.

Drop this guy and focus your energy toward something that makes you feel fabulous or improves you in some way. And please don't allow him to shift blame to you. He behaved terribly. You did not.

Thanks Shelli. He's definitely good at shifting the blame and I always fall for it and second guess myself and take him back. I realize now that I'm NOT always wrong and I'm NOT going to allow him to get in my head and convince me to assume blame in this situation. I got through Xmas without him and i'll get through new years eve and day without him. One day at a time. Starting anew in 2011.

 

[Sunnrayy]

OP I feel for you. I truly do! Our situations are so similar, it's scary. I don't even know how many times I "broke up" with my ex. Sometimes over stupid stuff, and other times the break ups were justified, but I still always took him back. I was so dumb back then. If I had known then what I know now... But hey, hindsight is 20/20.

If you need someone to talk to just let me know. I know how you feel. I messed around with my ex for almost 4 years. Such a waste of my life!! erplexed When things first ended I was so heart broken. I never thought I'd love again. But I am now with a man who treats me like a queen. I am so happy now, and you can be happy, too.

Good luck to you.

Thanks so much for your message. Just hearing that you finally got out and moved on to a better situation makes me feel that it can and will happen for me.

 

[Ganjababy]

Sorry you are going through this.