I walked in on him with another woman

[Sunnrayy]

Hey ladies,

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We've broken up 3 to 5 times. The longest break-up was for 3mths. We had a bad argument A few days ago and I broke up with him. He has a problem with cursing at me when we talk and I asked him to stop as I have many times but he wouldn't and I blew up. Also after so many yrs he still doesn't think he's ready for marriage.

Anyway, it was 4 days after the big argument/break-up. I went over to his crib to talk face to face (i have a key)and found him asleep after a sexual act with a white b****
I'm sure you can glean the rest, I tell her to get the f*** out. Blow up at him. He says he's not with her in front of the chick. She's like no, we were just hooking up. That she didn't know he was with someone. He's all sorry and apologetic and just kept saying we were broken up and that meant he could do what he wanted. As well If i just stop breaking up with him this wouldve never happened.

I just can't get over the fact that he was sleeping with someone so fast. How
could he love me truly if he could be with someone so fast?

I know we were technically broken up but that image is seared into my brain and the fact that it was soooo soon after. I know men are different from us but dang. What do u ladies think? Advice is needed, maybe I should just let go of this relationship altogether. I'm tempted to because I'm tired. When do you just say when?

 

[*CherryPie*]

I wouldn't even try to figure it out. I would just leave, and the relationship would be over.....because what else can he say, and would you ever trust him again?

 

[Sunnrayy]

I wouldn't even try to figure it out. I would just leave, and the relationship would be over.....because what else can he say, and would you ever trust him again?

You're right, I don't think I will ever trust him again. That was the point of no return. I just keep picturing that w**** in the bed with him

 

[Sunnrayy]

What's even worse is he's blaming me for breaking up and walking in on him when we were technically not together. My thing is did you really think it was over after 4 days apart? Really?

 

[SweetNic_JA]

He has probably been hooking up with that chick for a lot longer than 4 days. You just never know with guys. They say that after the 21st (the recent winter solstice and the lunar eclipse) , a lot of truths will be revealed.

 

[lesedi]

I'm really sorry this happened to you. ((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
You're better off not trying to find out why he did it....you'll never understand. Utilise that energy towards propelling yourself forward (and far away from him!). Good luck x

 

[*CherryPie*]

At least you learned what he is about before you married him. He probably is the type of guy that goes out and cheat when you have an argument.

 

[Sunnrayy]

He has probably been hooking up with that chick for a lot longer than 4 days. You just never know with guys. They say that after the 21st (the recent winter solstice and the lunar eclipse) , a lot of truths will be revealed.

I thought of that too. This is so crazy and surreal to me. I feel like I'm in a movie. But no, this is my life.

 

[Sunnrayy]

I'm really sorry this happened to you. ((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
You're better off not trying to find out why he did it....you'll never understand. Utilise that energy towards propelling yourself forward (and far away from him!). Good luck x

Thanks. You are so right.

 

[SweetNic_JA]

I thought of that too. This is so crazy and surreal to me. I feel like I'm in a movie. But no, this is my life.

At least you now know what you're dealing with, and hopefully you won't hand him another 4.5 years of your life. I know this hurts but you'll eventually get past this. Keep your head up...

 

[Sunnrayy]

At least you learned what he is about before you married him. He probably is the type of guy that goes out and cheat when you have an argument.

Right

 

[hopeful]

"He has a problem with cursing at me when we talk and I asked him to stop as I have many times but he wouldn't and I blew up."

What do you mean he curses at you? He uses bad language in general, he calls you names, or he curses you out? If he is calling you out of your name and/or cursing you out after 4 1/2 years, do you really want him? Would you really want to be his wife? And on top of that, you can't trust him. I would cut my losses if I were you.

 

[Sunnrayy]

At least you now know what you're dealing with, and hopefully you won't hand him another 4.5 years of your life. I know this hurts but you'll eventually get past this. Keep your head up...

Thanks. You are right. Eventually I'll get over it. I wish I hadn't given him 4.5 years at all

 

[Sunnrayy]

"He has a problem with cursing at me when we talk and I asked him to stop as I have many times but he wouldn't and I blew up."

What do you mean he curses at you? He uses bad language in general, he calls you names, or he curses you out? If he is calling you out of your name and/or cursing you out after 4 1/2 years, do you really want him? Would you really want to be his wife? And on top of that, you can't trust him. I would cut my losses if I were you.

He never calls me names. But he curses like crazy when he gets even a bit irritated with me. F*** this and f*** that and on and on. All the curse words he uses them with malice and such venom. I'm not a curser and ive told him on many occasions that it triggers a negative response from me to be cursed at. That it will just cause me to blow up as well. I was hoping we could work on the cursing in counseling but after this event. I'm just done.

 

[hopeful]

I'm relieved he hasn't been cursing you out but if cursing bothers you that much you should have left him a long time ago. That's just who he is and how he rolls. Most people either are cursers or they aren't. He would have to want to change to stop. And all of the breaking up is not cool. If I were you I'd consider it a blessing that you discovered the truth. I'm so sorry you had to walk in on that mess.

 

[Sunnrayy]

I'm relieved he hasn't been cursing you out but if cursing bothers you that much you should have left him a long time ago. That's just who he is and how he rolls. Most people either are cursers or they aren't. He would have to want to change to stop. And all of the breaking up is not cool. If I were you I'd consider it a blessing that you discovered the truth. I'm so sorry you had to walk in on that mess.

Yeah, All the breaking up isn't cool. What he fails to realize is that the breaking up is a response to his disrespect. I never plan to or want to breakup but we'll have an argument and he'll just straight up disrespect me, curse at me or say something so cruel and I'll just react. I've told him this many times but he just puts it all on me.

He doesn't see that he needs to change the disrespect and I'll change the breaking up. But whatever, after seeing that It doesn't even matter anymore.

 

[Sunnrayy]

Any advice on getting over a breakup and a Broken heart ladies? We also run in the same circle of friends. Do I change up circles. I don't want to be at any events with him or see him with the next girlfriend/victim.

 

[chelseatiara]

if he really loved you why would he even want to be with someone else? the SAME thing happened to me before even though we hadnt went out for that long but after that we werent together again for the simple fact that if he truly loved me we wouldnt have this situation in the first place and obviously sex is not something special he shares with you since he's so quick to share it with another, so why put yourself through the trouble of attempting to trust him again? he obviously doesnt respect you hun....

P.S. different from my behind! only because we put up with more b.s. than they do(^^^Exhibit A)...let the shoe have been on the other foot he really would have called you some names and wouldnt have even thought about taking you back.

 

[chelseatiara]

Any advice on getting over a breakup and a Broken heart ladies? We also run in the same circle of friends. Do I change up circles. I don't want to be at any events with him or see him with the next girlfriend/victim.

nope. and when they ask what happened tell them you caught him with a white girl and keep it movin while he's busy explain you'll be movin on with your life.

 

[Lita]

Sorry,this has happen to you..Glad you didn't marry him every time you have a disagreement/will he cheat? (You deserve better)..I think he was already with this girl..

*Remember your health comes first...STD's etc are non-thing to play with...

*OP:A lot of Red flags there...Please keep moving forward with your life/It will only get worse with him...This guy has a lot of deep rooted issues..



Happy Hair Growing!

 

[JFK]

Hey ladies,

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We've broken up 3 to 5 times. The longest break-up was for 3mths. We had a bad argument A few days ago and I broke up with him. He has a problem with cursing at me when we talk and I asked him to stop as I have many times but he wouldn't and I blew up. Also after so many yrs he still doesn't think he's ready for marriage.

Anyway, it was 4 days after the big argument/break-up. I went over to his crib to talk face to face (i have a key)and found him asleep after a sexual act with a white b****
I'm sure you can glean the rest, I tell her to get the f*** out. Blow up at him. He says he's not with her in front of the chick. She's like no, we were just hooking up. That she didn't know he was with someone. He's all sorry and apologetic and just kept saying we were broken up and that meant he could do what he wanted. As well If i just stop breaking up with him this wouldve never happened.

I just can't get over the fact that he was sleeping with someone so fast. How
could he love me truly if he could be with someone so fast?

I know we were technically broken up but that image is seared into my brain and the fact that it was soooo soon after. I know men are different from us but dang. What do u ladies think? Advice is needed, maybe I should just let go of this relationship altogether. I'm tempted to because I'm tired. When do you just say when?

He curses at you: Verbal abuse.
He blames you for his mistakes: Manipulative.

These are huge red flags.

Did you read my thread? Girl, WALK AWAY. I say this with sincerity.

 

[Afrolatina]

Thanks. You are right. Eventually I'll get over it. I wish I hadn't given him 4.5 years at all

Hi!
I'm so sorry this happened to you...I really am..
but I do want to tell you even if he's gotten this much of your life (the man I was with before my husband- we were together 4 years) for one, better he didn't get anymore out of you and for two, better you give those years to a man that truly deserves it... that's how I found my hubby- I got over the fact that I wasted some of the best years of my young life on some a-hole....funny, he's out there still messing around and i'm now settling down with our second baby in a happy, loving relationship..

I think this was fate trying to send you a message...
and i'm sorry it came in such a horrible way. I have a feeling you've gotten this message before (or warnings from fate) and you've maybe ignored them (just guessing)? I think it took something this terrible to wake you to the truth of where your life could be going if you chose to keep him in your heart....but hopefully it opened your eyes to what was probably going on behind your back for a while- closing that door to him, in your heart.

best advice is break up with him, and take this time to work on yourself...
make yourself happy, buy yourself something nice or just make yourself feel good.. do whatever it takes... and as for friends? I'd pull back from them for a while. They will only make you feel worse because there is always SOMEONE that has to update you/fill you in on his whereabouts, who he's seeing and doing, etc., Plus you don't want to keep the drama circulating around you... friends, although nice, can cause a lot of trouble, even if unintentionally...

It might be tempting to stay around them so they can also update him about what you've got going on in your life... but you don't want to get stuck in that "circle" of being where you're trying so hard, living your life, to make him jealous. Just push all the negative away and start clearing way for the good- it WILL find you (and maybe sooner than you've expected). For all you know, it's been trying to find you all along and now that you're done with him, your eyes are finally wide enough open to see.

Remember that! <3

 

[cheetarah1980]

I have a question. Would it have been better if the woman in his bed was black? I'm trying to figure out how her being white factors into the fact that he slept with someone else.

For some reason all I can think of when I read this thread is Ross saying Rachel, "But we were on a BREAK!"

Honestly, all the breaking up should've been your cue to make an exit a while ago. Plus if after 4.5 years with you he's still not sure about marriage, that means he just doesn't want to marry YOU. Sorry to say it, but it's better to accept it and move on to someone who wants to marry you and who you don't feel the need to break up with once a quarter.

 

[MzPrince]

Why are you wasting your time? It's been 4 1/2 years and he told you he's not ready for marriage. Please believe him and just move on. I'm sorry you have to go through this but you can save yourself a lot more pain and heart ache and more wasted years by letting go. Just experience talking here no judgement.

 

[Honey Bee]

OP, Imma keep it really real and say it's partially your fault. The reason I say that is not because you cheated, or actively messed things up. It's because, men will only do to you what you allow and you allowed him to disrespect you. Yes, you broke up with him when it got to be too much... but then you took him back. And that's the crux of it. To men, actions speak louder than words (cuz they think we talk too damn much anyway). Taking him back says, I wasn't really serious. Please disrespect me again, in an even more egregious way, because obviously, I don't mean it when I say I don't like it.

Also, it might seem unduly quick, but four days after a break up is definitely long enough for a guy to locate a willing slide. It sounds like you were expecting him to pine away until you decided his penance was over.

 

[MzLady78]

OMG- I am so, so sorry this happened to you.

I think that sometimes when we ignore smaller signs, eventually something major happens that you absolutely CAN'T ignore. All the break-ups were the small signs, this was the big a** , side of the highway billboard. I know it hurts, but he did you a favor. Now you're free to find the right man foer you because he definitely wasn't it.

 

[Ivonnovi]

....The "hook" to this ole'School song came to mind: YouTube - The Staple Singers - Respect Yourself Please listen to the "whole song" you just might want to make this his ring-tone, LOL

Sweetie, like the others said. Respect Yourself and Keep It Moving

 

[Sunnrayy]

if he really loved you why would he even want to be with someone else? the SAME thing happened to me before even though we hadnt went out for that long but after that we werent together again for the simple fact that if he truly loved me we wouldnt have this situation in the first place and obviously sex is not something special he shares with you since he's so quick to share it with another, so why put yourself through the trouble of attempting to trust him again? he obviously doesnt respect you hun....

P.S. different from my behind! only because we put up with more b.s. than they do(^^^Exhibit A)...let the shoe have been on the other foot he really would have called you some names and wouldnt have even thought about taking you back.

So true, if the shoe was on the other foot he would've left me immediately. I said that to him.
In my eyes there is no way he could've loved me and done this.

 

[MissMasala5]

This revelation was a blessing, so recognize it as such as move on. Now you have what's called experience. Learning from that is wisdom. Not learning and falling into the same mess again is insanity. So count this event as the blessing that it is and allow yourself time to heal. Which should be quick since he made it so easy for you. Best to you, OP.

 

[Sunnrayy]

Sorry,this has happen to you..Glad you didn't marry him every time you have a disagreement/will he cheat? (You deserve better)..I think he was already with this girl..

*Remember your health comes first...STD's etc are non-thing to play with...

*OP:A lot of Red flags there...Please keep moving forward with your life/It will only get worse with him...This guy has a lot of deep rooted issues..




Happy Hair Growing!

Yep, he does have a lot of deep rooted issues. I see that now and I'm happy I walked in on him. I believe God wanted me to see what I was really dealing with.