I thought I was over it but now I'm not so sure.....

kweenameena

kweenameena

Well-Known Member
Ok so the marriage didn't work out.
He was a seemingly great catch but ended up treating me like crap.
He was a habitual cheater, emotionally-disconnected, I had in-law issues, I helped him get his career together and we agreed that once that was together...he'd support me while I went back to school after he was set. But once he started making his money he was gone.
He even went to Iraq a 2nd time (by choice), said he found God because God led him to the wilderness:look: and said that God told him to leave his family because he had a new wife and family out there for him.

Fast forward to 2 years later (we are separated and never finished the divorce process):
He's living with his female BFF (who he was cheating with during our marriage)
They are devout christians now (he called to complain that my daughter used the Lord's name in vain and I should make sure she says Oh my gosh instead of Oh my God)
He makes his 6 figures, new mercedes, new home, he seems to be a good man, and a much better father.
His girlfriend even has him watching hair vids (she just did the BC) to learn how to correctly detangle my dd's hair...he hated all that stuff when he was with me. He emailed me to let me know that he was taking good care of her hair while I was on vacation. He even sent me links to the vids. I don't know why but the hair video thing hurt the most. :look: This kneegrow even texted me and asked me to take pics of his first 'do because he forgot to. *insert dagger in heart*

The funny thing is that I don't even want him anymore but it really sucks to see his blessings, his happiness, and to know that I was basically the guinea pig. It hurts when you try to do better and be better and you still don't end up on the winning side. This relationship has made me question myself, my faith, and my morals.
 
>>>>>hugs<<<<<<
That sounds unbearable. Especially since it sounds like his life is on the up at the moment. I'm just mad that he became this 'good person' outside of your marriage. He has demonstrated clearly un-christian behaviour and now he wants to act all fundamental????ninja please:rolleyes:. i hear you about the hair thing, i think that is devastating. He knew how important it was to you and now he wants to add you to links about the woman he cheated on you with??there clearly is a sensitivity chip missing. You are well shot of him OP, he is treating you with passive disdain.
Just focus on your plans for now, what you want to do with your life and leave him be. that is obviously easier said than done but persevere. Divorce is painful regardless, it is the end of an ideal, the death of a value system in many cases. It's understandable that you are not 'over it' immediately. IMO, people are too quick to say they are over it when they are not, in any case.

get other focuses, fill your time and start a project.....
Update us and keep strong sis
 
((HUGS)) OP. I agree with lesedi. I know it's hurtful and it seems unfair. I say just focus on your plans and goals for life. Stay strong.
 
Thanks ladies. I've just been struggling with when being the bigger person will pay off. Im not even sad anymore. I'm pissed and I want revenge. I know that's not right to say but its the truth. I need to find a boxing class right now. I keep daydreaming about DDTing his arse. Or maybe doing a roundhouse kick to the jugular. And then pimp slap to his chick for tryna play mommy.
Sent from my HTC EVO using PC36100
 
It may not be that "you are not over it". I can understand what you are going through right now. I feel that I am very much over it(not 100%, I feel that will take a while) but over it enough that I can happily move on with my life. The problem is like you said, his behavior makes you question everything about yourself(what is it about you, that he couldn't change his behavior for). I feel the same way, I find myself questioning what is it about me that my husband couldn't be the husband I felt he should be. He was a serial cheater, loves to drink and stay out all night, the list goes on..... Now that he has moved out, he barely goes out and if he does he comes in early, doesn't have anyone on the side. He goes home from work and cooks and cleans. He seems to enjoy just hanging out at his place. He would never do any of this stuff with me. He seem to hate to be at home when he was with me. So I find myself quesioning everything about me. I totally understand how you feel. But, I try not to dwell on it too much. I think about how great I can make my life now!
 
lesedi- just to clarify...the vids are not of the chick he's with. They are vids probably from someone on here. But his chick has a new found love for natural hair and has introduced him to the vids that he used to call me crazy for watching. Btw, I was introduced to the chick when we were married and he even confided in her about all of the chicks he cheated on me with. Which is why I'm surprised she's with him. But hey...that's on her.:ohwell:
But thanks for the advice, chica.

I think I'm over him, per se....but I don't think I've completely forgiven myself for a failed marriage. Plus....it's weird that he calls or emails every time he does something that he feels is worthy of praise. It's like he wants to make sure that I know that he's a better man or something. Ugh!
 
kweenameena said:
Ok so the marriage didn't work out.
He was a seemingly great catch but ended up treating me like crap.
He was a habitual cheater, emotionally-disconnected, I had in-law issues, I helped him get his career together and we agreed that once that was together...he'd support me while I went back to school after he was set. But once he started making his money he was gone.
He even went to Iraq a 2nd time (by choice), said he found God because God led him to the wilderness:look: and said that God told him to leave his family because he had a new wife and family out there for him.

Fast forward to 2 years later (we are separated and never finished the divorce process):
He's living with his female BFF (who he was cheating with during our marriage)
They are devout christians now (he called to complain that my daughter used the Lord's name in vain and I should make sure she says Oh my gosh instead of Oh my God)
He makes his 6 figures, new mercedes, new home, he seems to be a good man, and a much better father.
His girlfriend even has him watching hair vids (she just did the BC) to learn how to correctly detangle my dd's hair...he hated all that stuff when he was with me. He emailed me to let me know that he was taking good care of her hair while I was on vacation. He even sent me links to the vids. I don't know why but the hair video thing hurt the most. :look: This kneegrow even texted me and asked me to take pics of his first 'do because he forgot to. *insert dagger in heart*

The funny thing is that I don't even want him anymore but it really sucks to see his blessings, his happiness, and to know that I was basically the guinea pig. It hurts when you try to do better and be better and you still don't end up on the winning side. This relationship has made me question myself, my faith, and my morals.
Click to expand...

They are NOT DEVOUT CHRISTIANS. They are not. He's an adulterer and abandoned you. Jesus would never have done that. St. Joseph would never have done that. He is a liar. He is worse than an infidel...he who abandons his family. Those are not blessings and he didn't hear from G-d. His time of failing is coming. Don't you believe that lie!

You get your divorce. In fact, speak with a lawyer as soon as possible and have it done. Why was there never a divorce hearing? Separations do not take 2 years in a no-fault state. Get it. Divorce him by through publication or something. You will make it. It hurts to be treated as crap. File for full custody citing all the emotional abuse he put you and your child through. Get alimony and child support. He cheated on you and he is an abuser. He does not love his child. People usually get that wrong. They say that the child is separate. Not so. Anyone who loves their child will not live such a life and jeopardize the mother who gave the child. He is an opportunist and is using the child. He never loved you. Take that fact and move on.
 
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kweenameena said:
lesedi- just to clarify...the vids are not of the chick he's with. They are vids probably from someone on here. But his chick has a new found love for natural hair and has introduced him to the vids that he used to call me crazy for watching. Btw, I was introduced to the chick when we were married and he even confided in her about all of the chicks he cheated on me with. Which is why I'm surprised she's with him. But hey...that's on her.:ohwell:
But thanks for the advice, chica.

I think I'm over him, per se....but I don't think I've completely forgiven myself for a failed marriage. Plus....it's weird that he calls or emails every time he does something that he feels is worthy of praise. It's like he wants to make sure that I know that he's a better man or something. Ugh!
Click to expand...

Get a new email account and/or block him. Do not accept his phone calls. Speak to your lawyer about this because he's torturing you. Women, we need to see things as they are. This is abuse, pure and simple.
 
kweenameena said:
Thanks ladies. I've just been struggling with when being the bigger person will pay off. Im not even sad anymore. I'm pissed and I want revenge. I know that's not right to say but its the truth. I need to find a boxing class right now. I keep daydreaming about DDTing his arse. Or maybe doing a roundhouse kick to the jugular. And then pimp slap to his chick for tryna play mommy.
Sent from my HTC EVO using PC36100
Click to expand...

I'm sorry you are going through this. :bighug::bighug:

I have gone thought this same type of thing with my ex-husband. Every time I felt I was over the pain and all his antics, he would do something that would take things to another level. It was like a scab constantly being ripped off. And just like you mentioned, I would imagine how I could hurt him. I wanted him to hurt as bad as he hurt me. Of course, anything you focus on, grows and anything he did would set me off. Sadly, this went on for a few years until I realized that I was giving him too much power over me. I had to be responsible for my life. It wasn't easy but I had to forgive him. He had gone on with his life(a great new life) and I was stuck on stupid.
Anywho, I know it hurts to see him on top of the world while you're still trying to pull your life together. And I know it hurts when your daughter is away with him and possibly she will like being there and like the new wife also. Girly, things have changed, get over it. Really. As long as your daughter is being treated well, keep it movin.. It won't be easy at first but stop thinking about him. He does not deserve your attention.(I'm sure while you are upset he doesn't even notice or care.) He was dirty. Often we spend so much time trying to open closed doors we miss the new door God has opened for us. Transfer your attention to you. Create your dreams.
 
OP I feel for you. I know this cannot be easy. However, the fact that he is even contacting you everytime he does something "good" says to me that he is not as over you as you may think. I would have to tell him to let his wife (you know the one that God had for him) know of all the great things he is doing and I'd be pretty sure that she would be happy to support him as all jumpoffs (excuse me, new wifeys) do.
Now I am pretty sure that doesn't help the situation much, but I agree with the other posters in that you don't have to give him any power. The best revenge is to live well. Trust me, he is still watching.
 
Girlfriend I just want you to know God did not tell him to leave his family with you and he is not nearly as happy as he is putting on. The other woman is hell, they usually are. He is living in the far country and you should be praying for him. He is living in sin and God needs someone to intervene on his behalf because as this point there is a wall of separation between him and God. Think about how Abraham interceeded for Sodom and Gomorrah. Although they were destroyed for their sins God did spare Lot and his family because of Abraham. Pray for him. Ask God for what you should do because of the situation that he (hubby) has put you in. Please do not ask people what you are to do. Ask God and leave it in God's hand.
 
I didn't know "devout christian" men could be legally married, but living with a woman they have a sexual (adulterous) relationship with. :rolleyes:

Girl...this man is still a wolf in sheep's clothing. Don't let anything about his fake lifestyle make you question yourself. Just think back to when you first met him and you thought he was such a great catch...and then remember what he turned out to be. This man apparently has the ability to make himself seem as though he is someone he is not. He's a con man. Right now his con is christianity. And it's not surprising to me that a con man would be able to gain some money and a lil success. But don't confuse it with blessings. He got that Mercedes from the car dealership, not from Jesus. Just focus on yourself and getting everything you want out of life, and stop letting him play with your head again. You may never see his downfall...some people can play their con out right down to their last day, but don't allow his hustle to affect you and yours.


Has he apologized to you for the things he's done to wrong you? That would have been the devout christian thing to do. :rolleyes:
 
I think that G-d expects us to ask wise counsel of others. We can imagine all sorts of things if we think we hear from G-d. You did well in asking of those who have been through such. Your first step, though, is with a lawyer.
 
I almost was in tears reading this. Everyone has a testimony lady...and there is always a TEST first. I am NOT going to sit here and talk ishnit about his relationship with God because for all we know - he could have repented and all that good stuff. We all are sinners - so I am not going to act holier than thou. Not at all.

I will say this, because it is written - God HATES divorce and honors marriage. So why would He tell your husband to leave you? With that being said...he stepped out on the marriage, committed adultery. He will be punished and NOT you. God gives revenge you couldn't even fathom in that pretty little head of yours...so leave that to the almighty.

I know how hard a divorce/separation can be first hand. It is something that I am still not emotionally over. I rather have broken legs than a broken heart. Emotional wounds are so much harder to heal. I rather SHAVE MY HEAD (yeah I said it) than go through the hurt and pain of what I have been going through with my son's father. He changed for the better after I fell out of love with him and that HURTS! Like, was I not worthy?!

So I feel you. It's not that you are NOT over him, you very well could be, but it's all the "what ifs" and ishnit thrown back in your face. I would plainly tell him, if you don't have anything to talk to me about concerning the WELL-BEING of our child, then do not call, email, text me AT ALL...
 
^^^^^^
Fast forward to 2 years later (we are separated and never finished the divorce process):
He's living with his female BFF (who he was cheating with during our marriage)
They are devout christians now (he called to complain that my daughter used the Lord's name in vain and I should make sure she says Oh my gosh instead of Oh my God)
.
Click to expand...

Who was holier-than-thou? These are her words...it's called snake in the grass and using mastermind manipulation to guilt her to keep her down and out. He also harasses her by reminding her of what she no longer has with him. That's not holier-than-thou...that's indicating there is a snake in the grass who is intent upon continued destruction of a woman. That is not christian behavior at all. Rather, facts are being told.
 
Guitarhero said:
^^^^^^


Who was holier-than-thou? These are her words...it's called snake in the grass and using mastermind manipulation to guilt her to keep her down and out. He also harasses her by reminding her of what she no longer has with him. That's not holier-than-thou...that's indicating there is a snake in the grass who is intent upon continued destruction of a woman. That is not christian behavior at all. Rather, facts are being told.
Click to expand...

Wasn't saying anyone was - I was saying I don't want people to think I was trying to act that way when I posted my response...
 
(((HUGS))) I can feel your pain :-(

I think he is using you so that he can feel better about himself. So you can add user to the list of offenses he has staked against you!

Gosh, I know this is hard though. I feel it.
 
^^^I've been there...and since mine remarried...he tried this with me...I just laughed it off cuz I am so sorry for this lady he barely knew who married him on vacation. He told me (not her) that she's going to have to work hard when she comes to this country. :look::look::look: Oh, he's on disability for hands that seem to work fine for black market work. :lachen:
 
LOL girl he's doing that on purpose at least the hair part
As for his blessings I don't believe making six figures driving a mercedes and watching hair videos while being a former cheater qualifies you as blessed.
Maybe earthly things but not in the end & I'm sure you have blessings too
By helping him and not having hatred or jealously toward him makes you a great person.
Be strong and keep moving on
 
Thanks ladies for all of the support. It's great to have this type of community and support that I can turn to.
The day that I created the OP was a bad day for me but most days are cool. I recognize what he's trying to do but some days he's so darn good at it that I fall victim to it again. And sometimes, I only see my struggle instead of the blessings that I've rec'd as well. Also, it's been hard to move in God's time especially when it seems that things aren't moving fast enough.

For those of you who want to know why our separation took so long...well quite frankly..I was benefiting because he was still paying my car insurance, my health insurance, and my storage fees. Plus I didn't really have the money for a lawyer (I still don't). For some reason, he stopped pushing for the divorce (I'm still confused as to why)....so I left it alone as well and it never happened.
 
kweenameena said:
Thanks ladies for all of the support. It's great to have this type of community and support that I can turn to.
The day that I created the OP was a bad day for me but most days are cool. I recognize what he's trying to do but some days he's so darn good at it that I fall victim to it again. And sometimes, I only see my struggle instead of the blessings that I've rec'd as well. Also, it's been hard to move in God's time especially when it seems that things aren't moving fast enough.

For those of you who want to know why our separation took so long...well quite frankly..I was benefiting because he was still paying my car insurance, my health insurance, and my storage fees. Plus I didn't really have the money for a lawyer (I still don't). For some reason, he stopped pushing for the divorce (I'm still confused as to why)....so I left it alone as well and it never happened.
Click to expand...

He stopped pushing because he knows he has to pay you. You supported him in his career, bare his child and kept his home while married. Any money he has made has been during the marriage and still is. There are many organization s that provide free legal services for people in your situation even the catholic charities. He is keeping you where you are because its cheaper to keep you as he live his life and you feel tied. File for divorce and get what you really deserve. This man is an emotional abuser.
 
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I would divorce him. Find a lawyer who will either make him pay the fees or let you pay after your settlement. You need to be free of him. He is a hypocrite, a liar, and honestly sounds mentally ill and unstable. The whole God wants him to find his new family sounds insane. It's time for you to break free and move on. And as others have said he is the furthest thing from a good, Christian man. His BFF, turned live-in love doesn't have anything but a scoundrel. And she is trifling too. Your daughter shouldn't have to be around their foolishness.
 
aww ((hugs)) i understand how u feel. this happened with an ex. he was a dirty rotten snake while we were together and i bent over backwards trying to please him. fast forward with his girlfriend and he is doing so right by her :-/.
u r right it does mess with u. got u questioning everything about yourself. while the problem lies with him and is HIM. some men think about past stuff and are remorseful and try to to better. that may be the case or it just wasn't meant to be for you & him. Your real king awaits.
 
OP, your ex sounds like he's a narcissist. People that have a narcissistic personality don't change overnight, and it's only a matter of time before the new person he's with feels his wrath.
 
sylver2 said:
aww ((hugs)) i understand how u feel. this happened with an ex. he was a dirty rotten snake while we were together and i bent over backwards trying to please him. fast forward with his girlfriend and he is doing so right by her :-/.
u r right it does mess with u. got u questioning everything about yourself. while the problem lies with him and is HIM. some men think about past stuff and are remorseful and try to to better. that may be the case or it just wasn't meant to be for you & him. Your real king awaits.
Click to expand...


Nah, in time, the new chick WILL see his true colors. Often times these men are riddled with guilt for how they did you (even when they dont show it) and they put on this act for the new chick (which they think is who they really are) to ease the guilt and prove to themselves that they are not as bad a person as YOU ACCUSED them of being. They get into the new relationship, everything appears to be peaches and roses....then Satan presents himself JUST has he's always been. TRUST.

And some dudes know how to make you think they are treating the new woman right, but OH she'd have a much different story to tell. I bet.
 
I agree that you should divorce him. At least consult with a lawyer to see he or she could do for you. It does sound like its one of those "cheaper to keep her" situations, and he doesn't deserve to be sitting so pretty and comfortable.
 
You have gotten some great advice in this thread. All of the ladies are right and I can't add anything except to say, all that glitters is not gold :yep:.
 
I went through something similiar with my ex-husband. Try and see if there is a Legal Aid office in your area. You may qualify for free or very low cost legal services. I was not earning much back then, so I only had to pay the court fee.This is how I got my divorce nearly 15 years ago. Its worth a try. He is using/manipulating you in my opinion. Take care :hugs:
 
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