I so want a divorce

Yeah..a separation may be best for the both of you. If you can, go home with your kids for a few weeks to your family. While there, try to look for a job and see about childcare. He is not helping you even if he is looking after the kids for a few hours. In his state of mind, he may not be attentive to the kids while you are not there.

If he is depressed, he won't know it. Depression is not like a cold. A person could be depressed about a particular circumstance but it seems as if his depression is deeper than that. It would take him reading about the signs, etc. and speaking to a therapist before he truly realizes he is depressed.

Don't stay there. Your home is toxic -- I mean the man is looking for other women online and you know about it. Don't have your kids thinking that this is what marriage is supposed to be.
 
envybeauty said:
Yeah..a separation may be best for the both of you. If you can, go home with your kids for a few weeks to your family. While there, try to look for a job and see about childcare. He is not helping you even if he is looking after the kids for a few hours. In his state of mind, he may not be attentive to the kids while you are not there.

If he is depressed, he won't know it. Depression is not like a cold. A person could be depressed about a particular circumstance but it seems as if his depression is deeper than that. It would take him reading about the signs, etc. and speaking to a therapist before he truly realizes he is depressed.

Don't stay there. Your home is toxic -- I mean the man is looking for other women online and you know about it. Don't have your kids thinking that this is what marriage is supposed to be.
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I believe he got himself in over his head, and is not man enough to handle it. It is not fair for men to just get free passes. For me he's all useless but for the next woman he'll be all that. And I really don't even care abt the next woman or him, but for a woman to man up and have to take care of the whole boatlead, thats alot. I try to be indifferential, but is all but impossible when things need to be done and all you have is a person with theri face glued to a computer.
 
OT-
I wish the Mods would start a "Sticky" Thread for women who are currently going through a divorce or seeking encouragement from other women who have already gone through this, because this is a serious topic where support is needed to get through it such as the positive "sticky's" like for those who are engaged or getting married.

OP-You will be in my prayers. I was never married, but spent 10 years in a cohabitation relationship. It wasn't easy to leave my SO. It took lots of planning and time. Its been a year now, life is easier, however I still have emotional setbacks from that experience. Goodluck you will be in my prayers.
 
Are you sure he got of the military on his own or was he kicked out? Maybe that has something to do with the reason he is depressed and turning down job offers or not opening up to you. Whatever the case is I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Have you gone to counseling? It seems he has mentally and emotionally abandoned the family? I agree with Missbobbie, it sounds like he may not have left the military on his own accord.

Maybe a seperation will be good. It will either get him to get his act in gear or it will prove to be want he really wants.
 
blkbeauty said:
OT-
I wish the Mods would start a "Sticky" Thread for women who are currently going through a divorce or seeking encouragement from other women who have already gone through this, because this is a serious topic where support is needed to get through it such as the positive "sticky's" like for those who are engaged or getting married.

OP-You will be in my prayers. I was never married, but spent 10 years in a cohabitation relationship. It wasn't easy to leave my SO. It took lots of planning and time. Its been a year now, life is easier, however I still have emotional setbacks from that experience. Goodluck you will be in my prayers.
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The bolded is so true I cohab. with my Ex/fiance and I tell you 4 years,10 years is hard however, it does it takes a lot of planning and time to muscle up to leave and not only to leave but to stay gone!
 
Also to add. You should go to counseling by yourself first before trying to drag him into it. He sounds like he fully checked out and will probably not want to go. You need to get your head right first before you make a final decision.
 
Awww, it's devastating to hear your story. I'm sorry about what you're going through. I wish and your children the best.

BTW, I would leave him too. He's obviously not into his family. :nono:
 
Depressed or not his behaviors are affecting not only you, but ur kids too and thats not right. You are married and on the verge of applying for subsidized housing? doesnt make sense at all and no husband should ever allow that to happen. he should want to seek help if it comes down to this.
 
AmyInAtl said:
I believe he got himself in over his head, and is not man enough to handle it. It is not fair for men to just get free passes. For me he's all useless but for the next woman he'll be all that. And I really don't even care abt the next woman or him, but for a woman to man up and have to take care of the whole boatlead, thats alot. I try to be indifferential, but is all but impossible when things need to be done and all you have is a person with theri face glued to a computer.
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Do you worship? Does he? Do you have a place of worship to go to where you could get guidance? He needs to be reminded that he is not being a man and head of his household if he is not working or helping at home. He can best get that from other men -- but only if those men are handling their business. His current friends could be bums. Try to get some male intervention -- uncles, cousins, etc. that can speak a good word to the brotha.

Don't even think about the next woman. Too often we get caught up in thinking about how much time and resources we invested in a man and how the next woman will just walk into what we built up all along. He will be a problem to her as he is to you so don't even think about her. Focus on building your kids up and letting them see that you are stronger than your circumstances.
 
God men suck! I hate how some of them can change like night and day. I just went through this, I left, now he is crawling back trying so hard, but its hard to get past things. I had to pray and pray hard to even get to where I am now , where I dont feel all that crippling pain and fear(although I do still feel some) and took the stand I did. I will be praying for you too. That God gets involved heavily for you both! and leads you in the right direction

I swear it was a prayer I wrote to him by email and it was like that 'f'd' up spirit just left and he woke up
 
AmyInAtl said:
I have been saying to myelf the same thing. That I am doing everything myself. I could be doing this on my own. My family lives out of state. I am thinking of moving back home with my refund. And you are right he brings little to no emotional happinees to anyone.
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go and seek counseling for yourself and your marriage. from my experience and what i'm currently going through, sounds like bitterness, resentment, disrespect on both parts. something is lacking or missing. i pray for you guys and hope things get better. i'm learning for things to get better in my marriage, i have to give up the what about me attitude and take responsibility for the mistakes that i made in my marriage. i am so stuck on holding on too everything that my dh did/does wrong that i'm not willing to let go and allow for a rightous spirit to move into my life and my marriage. in a way, me holding on to my anger,resentment, and constantly remind him and myself of all of the wrong he has done has created a major road block to forgiveness and healing in my marriage. i went through and going through some of the same things in your post. i just wanted to share this with you and hope it helps. God Bless.
 
Hi
Yes he is depressed and really you don't have time to find out what going on with him, your focus is your children. It sound like it happen in the military or when he was young. He probably was not raised by his father and don't know how to be a father, or something bad happen in his life, such as abuse from an family member , broken home etc, just guessing. So what I saying you will never get an answer on his problem, and the reason for that is black men don't like to go to counseling or to have someone telling them how to run their household. Young lady please get help and get out of this relationship, the signs are in front of your face , this man will snap on you and your children He has nothing to lose or win. I had a girlfriend who was killed by her boyfriend of 8 years, please be careful. I can tell the way you are writing something is not right in your home. Check your social services resources in your area, go to your church, take your first check and move home, or go to a friends home. I not being mean just concern. I see abuse daily .

AmyInAtl said:
You are so right. He is depressed and this is how he is handling it. Withdrawing, from everything coughs except the computer and tv.
In the last week he has had more than 10 job offers to make more money than I do. He is curt and short with the people on the phone and has not followed up for one job.
I called public housing in my area, since he has not paid the mortgage in months. They said I have to have a job. They may be able to place me in housing in 30 days. I don't want to be here when the sherriff shows up. I start my new job in 2 days. I wish i could move back home. If things dont work with this plan, Then I will move back home.
I know about being depressed, but a person has to be willing to be open with their SO for a relationship to pull through. I don't know whats in his head. I know we both have blamed the other in the past for whatever failures the relationship suffers. So i know he sees many things as my fault.
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Praying...............also I agree something probably went down while he was on duty. I also agree with the woman who said get a lawyer before you tell him anything about divorce, because it would be crazy if you ended up paying alimony to his lazy butt. You and your little ones are in my prayers though for real. I can't imagine what I would do in such a situation and I only have one baby to worry about.
 
Country gal said:
Have you gone to counseling? It seems he has mentally and emotionally abandoned the family? I agree with Missbobbie, it sounds like he may not have left the military on his own accord.

Maybe a seperation will be good. It will either get him to get his act in gear or it will prove to be want he really wants.
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Counseling would be nice. He thinks he is so smart and believes nothing i say.
I start a brand new job tomorrow.....sigh I am already so so tired.
 
AmyInAtl, your post sounds so much like my sister's soror story that I thought you were her. She was in an identical situation. She and her husband (former military) married young and had been together for about 10 years. She didn't want any kids, but he was so eager to be a dad, that she agreed to at least one. Soon as she got pregnant he started acting funny. Didn't want to hear about the doctor's visits, wasn't try to buy any baby stuff, and stopped being attentive. As the pregnancy progressed she got very sick and couldn't work, that when the hostility kicked in. I've only met him once, when I dropped my sis off at their house for a meeting, but at the time he seemed very nice and cordial. It was hard to imagine him being so mean to his wife who is a sweetheart. But after the baby was born, things just got worse. She was still sick, he refused to pay for things (i.e. the mortgage), and she had no help with the baby. Eventually he left and couldn't find him for a minute and her parents had to come and take care of her and the baby. It's been a few years now. They're divorced and as far as I know there was never any explanation for why he changed so much. I also don't know how much of a dad he is to his daughter. I know he didn't see her for awhile, but last I heard he was at least in their life.
 
scoobygirl said:
AmyInAtl, your post sounds so much like my sister's soror story that I thought you were her. She was in an identical situation. She and her husband (former military) married young and had been together for about 10 years. She didn't want any kids, but he was so eager to be a dad, that she agreed to at least one. Soon as she got pregnant he started acting funny. Didn't want to hear about the doctor's visits, wasn't try to buy any baby stuff, and stopped being attentive. As the pregnancy progressed she got very sick and couldn't work, that when the hostility kicked in. I've only met him once, when I dropped my sis off at their house for a meeting, but at the time he seemed very nice and cordial. It was hard to imagine him being so mean to his wife who is a sweetheart. But after the baby was born, things just got worse. She was still sick, he refused to pay for things (i.e. the mortgage), and she had no help with the baby. Eventually he left and couldn't find him for a minute and her parents had to come and take care of her and the baby. It's been a few years now. They're divorced and as far as I know there was never any explanation for why he changed so much. I also don't know how much of a dad he is to his daughter. I know he didn't see her for awhile, but last I heard he was at least in their life.
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These guys that we grow up with as childhood sweethearts, seem to stay happy and cool, as long as thing don't change.

Too much change, then they can't cope, then they change.

The only reasons why I can think he has not up and left, is because he has no money and the car is in my name thank GOD.
I also tell him, when he goes, to please take his 3 kids with him, my son is 18. I lie and say I don't want them. That way, he thinks twice before he tries to disappear.
In addition I offer no hostility or aggression towards him, on the day to day living, so he feels pretty complacent and comfy. I am just too tired and bummed out to argue.
I think I may have to emotionally detach from him. Remain pleasant and nonconfronting. Focus on goals for independence. My girls can start school fulltime in 18 months. During those 18 months, I can work and try to save money. Finish up my RN degree with Excelsior online. Clear up my credit best I can.
And just stay busy, with a focus in my heart to know like an oppressed slave, freedom will come. Under and through this time of darkness I can not lose site of freedom and will have to work hard, strive and pray for it.

We do need that sticky for people going through relationship breaks, tough patches, seperation and divorces. It would sure be nice to be able to get through with heartfelt words from positive people.

I have taken one step towards independence. I have not worked in 40 months, Since this saga began. I start a new job tomorrow. Thank Allah.
 
Op, I am so saddened by what you wrote. I am definitely praying for you and your family. But, my prayer is that you will continue to pray for your husband and be there for him. He is your husband, the one you married and made vows with in front of Christ. Now I would not expect you to stay with him if he was abusive verbally or physically or even if he was cheating on you, but what it seems you are going through is "bad times". In good times and in bad times, is what you probably said in your vows, or something like that. Well, unfortunately this is the bad times. But remember the bad times could have been worst, and nothing is to hard for God to work through. You will be rewarded if you stay true to your vows, in Christ. My reply isn't popular... but it is Godly. Be blessed my sister.
Love,
nat
 
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((Hugs)) I'm praying for you and your family. He definitely is depressed but even so, if he won't get help there is only so much you can deal with and not fall down right beside him. Wishing you lots of strength for the difficult decisions you have ahead.
 
We do need that sticky for people going through relationship breaks, tough patches, seperation and divorces. It would sure be nice to be able to get through with heartfelt words from positive people.
Click to expand...

Hope someone puts in this very neccesary request... I agree
however, Divorce IS different than a break up..because of legal ramifications..custody battles
alimony..legal separation issues..signing final papers ....uncontested vs contested
changing back to maiden name .... etc

and as such...
imho....
I think it deserves its own sticky....not to be fused with breakups
although I am in no way...in no way...undermining the devastation of break-ups as the queen of being horribly betrayed and then heartbroken for six years over one

I have taken one step towards independence. I have not worked in 40 months, Since this saga began. I start a new job tomorrow.
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And that will generate a whole different level of healing and strengths ......on a physical plane... spiritual..financial..... as a parent single
or co-parent
and as a woman............one day at a time

I would NEVER wish this on you dearest, and so sorry...so so sorry
but you will look back.....and see step by step ..you were restored and made stronger
and even more stunning...
you WILL have your Self back again...
what does not kill us.....makes us the lionesses
praying for you :)
 
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I also tell him, when he goes, to please take his 3 kids with him, my son is 18. I lie and say I don't want them. That way, he thinks twice before he tries to disappear.
Posted by AmyInAtl


Sorry for what you are going through, but Please, Please be careful with what you tell him, he might use your statements against you in court. The courts might award him custody, then you will have to pay child support and alimony. Divorce is a very hard process emotionally, I got divorced 4 years ago and it was not a pretty thing, seems like every skeleton a person has comes out it gets nasty so please be careful.
 
(((((((((AmyInATL))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I'm a pro-marriage person, but I can feel your pain in this marriage, and I understand that you may divorce this "man" (he doesn't work, so he's not really a MAN in my view).

Steps you need to take to protect yourself:

1. Get some documentation that he is trolling the net looking for women. Save and print out the History on the computer if you can.

2. Get some proof that he is smoking weed. There are kits you can get from online drugstores that allow you to swab a surface with a pad that will show any traces of weed on his keyboard, mousepad, car keys, etc. KEEP these, along with the dates they were taken in a safe place like a safety deposit box.

3. Now's the time to order copies of all of your family's important documents: birth certificates for you, twins AND DH, SS cards, and a copy of his military record.

4. You need documentation that you want him to work outside the home. I'd advise writing a long, heartfelt letter explaining that you love him and that, while it's nice that he's watched the kids, you really want and need him to get a paying job ASAP. Maybe email it to him... if he replies (even just to say F-you) you have proof that you TOLD him you did want him to work, not to be a house-husband.

5. Write down a journal where you record which companies called, how much the offered job pays, when they called, and the names and numbers of the employers. This way you can have PROOF... if he tries to say that he didn't have any chances to work, you can refute it.

6. Start stashing money away. If you can do some side hustle that he doesn't know about, that will really help. Like doing hair maybe? If you can't manage that, at least cash your paychecks from work, set aside an amount of cash, and then deposit the rest into your bank account. During divorces, the money always gets tangled and F-ed up.

In many states, the person who moves out is the one who gets hosed in the divorce. If you can get HIM to move out rather than you leaving, it may work out better for you in the end.

BTW I totally agree that there should be a sticky about this...
 
SleekandBouncy said:
I'm very sorry that you're going thru all of that.
That sounds like he might have an emotional or mental issue, that's the only thing I can think of that would cause such a drastic change in behavior esp. when he doesn't have money and is turning down job offers.
Have you tried getting him into counseling whether marriage counseling or to see a mental care professional? You say he was in the military, perhaps something traumatic happened during that time.

Well, I hope everything works out for you and your family whatever your decision. You and your children are priority #1.
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You took the words right out of my mouth.
 
I have been married a long time, can tell you there will be ups and downs.
But a man must know god as a priority in his life to get all of this right.
I will prey for you and your family, I know God can change hearts and situations.
Bottom line only you know if it is time to move on or if you should stay. Only you and
your family will have to live with this big decision.

Just know you do not have to be alone when you make your decision, get together your support group and prey every step of the way.
 
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MJ said:
I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if something happened. Something that caused him to change. Have you tried to find out what it was and worked on correcting the situation? A person isn't "good" for 8+ plus years and then change overnight without some mental switch. Could it be trauma from being in the army? It seems as if your marriage was built on good and solid foundation. Maybe you can tear the existing house down -- metaphorically, which seems to be falling apart, and rebuild a stronger and better house on the existing foundation.
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I agree. Communication is a big key and although you might get tired of trying eventually he is going to break down and tell you where something went "off" for him. People don't fake for 10+ years....there was a turning point somewhere
 
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