Married & divorced ladies, I need advice... (long)

[Leigh]

I have tried to talk to him over and over again. We have been to 3 different counselors, but nothing seems to help. I suggested counseling again, but he says we don't need it b/c he doesn't have any problems with our marriage.

I know I've been saying stop discussing it with him, however, you could tell him in a loving way that someone who truly loves you and has your best interest at heart would never incourage you to mismanage your finances and that really hurts that he would suggest that. The bible also tells us to owe no man (New Testament) and that the virtuous woman's (Old Testament) family wanted for nothing and she was financially successful. Materialism is very different from financial success. There are many poor materialistic people.

 

[qtgirl]

I just wanted to say that you sound like a very smart woman who just happened to make a mistake in who you chose to marry. Get your rentals in order, see your lawyer, and put things in motion because you do not NEED this man and it seems as if he WANTS you to FAIL.

I have never heard anyone say something so ridiculous, about you wanting to pay your bills so you won't look bad. WTF?!?! No one should want to not pay bills if they can pay them.

My mom says the same thing. She says he is jealous and b/c he knows that I will leave him eventually, he wants me to lose everything before I leave. We agreed that he would quit his job to manage our and my mother's rentals(she does pay him). He was also supposed to rehab the houses that we bought. He doesn't work for my mother anymore b/c "he doesn't have time." ALso I have 1 house that's been sitting for over 2 years and another that has sat for over a year that he just stopped working on. I am paying over $1000 a month on both houses that are just sitting. I even asked him to hire someone to do the work, but it's like he doesn't care. I finally hired someone to finish the house that I've had for a year. He doesn't know, but it will be finished Friday. I am also having it refinanced and renting it section 8. I just bought another house which he doesn't know about. I have a crew rehabbing it now. I will start on the house that's been sitting for 2 years after I flip it. He fooled me into believing that I could not do this w/out him. I guess I forgot I was doing this before I met him.

 

[yourleoqueen]

I didnt want to say it, but when I read that part, I was like "I will help you pack!" erplexed

Pack hell, she can get some new stuff! Pack one suitcase of clothes for you and your daughter, grab yo baby, your important papers, check book, medication, empty the wall safe behind that picture of Jesus, pad lock the house(es) and leave while he at work. Swing by the bank and get out ALL the money and get on outta dodge. Stay with a relative out of state, or at least a couple hours away if you need to, just get GONE!

 

[Bmm]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. But I have to agree with you in saying you probably should not have married this guy. I know I may get stones thrown at me for saying this but this is why I don't think a woman should marry a man with less than she has, or is in a worse financial situation than she is. Your husband seems jealous of your accomplishments, In my opinion. I have a similiar situation going on with a very close family member. She is definitely having problems and is starting to regret getting married. She pays for mostly everything because she makes more money, he complains but brags about their material possesions. Don't let him talk you into ruining your credit and reputation. This same man probably won't be taking care of you when you end up with nothing.
Good luck

Sadly, I have to agree. His actions, and words make ablsolutely no sense. He is probably upset that you have so much going for you with out him. If I were you, I would voice my concerns. If you want you can also seek out a marriage counsler. if all else fails you have to make a break for it.

 

[Leigh]

My ex husband was the same way. He had nothing, he wasn't about nothing ,and I married nothing. I kick my self in the *** daily about how much time I wasted in that jacked up marriage. We went to counseling and it did no good. He was a nobody and he was bringing me down into his "nothing status", I had to go. I regret the fact that it took me so long to see that I wasn't going anywhere with someone that was pulling in a totally diffferent direction. I thought he would change, but he never did.

I wish you the best of luck and please don't waste too much time with your decision. Tell him to sh*t or get off the pot.

Haa I know I shouldn't laugh but this is a little funny. I had been involved with this guy and things ended earlier this year. anyway, he asked me out recently and I realized that I wanted nothing to do (when I broke it off, I didn't realize I had no respect for him, just knew it wasn't going to work and I didn't want to marry him) with him because anyone with your best interest at heart wouldn't discourage you from trying to get ahead and encourage you to work a low paying job with a title. No law school school because ... but get a regular job making little money (30,000 a year). This from a man who claimed he made over $100,000 a year many years ago so he would be making what now? So why would you say you wanted a wife making around $30,000 a year? But he told me in the very beginning that I was on my way up and he was washed out (I should've turned and ran then, why would I want to let alone need to encourage him that he still had it )

The one good thing that came out of it is that I don't waste time now. I find out what I need to right away amd move on. Too bad I was with him for so many years. Except for a couple of slips like the one I mentioned above, he was a good con artist. Actually he was a bad one, I just didn't see it.

 

[Bmm]

My mom says the same thing. She says he is jealous and b/c he knows that I will leave him eventually, he wants me to lose everything before I leave. We agreed that he would quit his job to manage our and my mother's rentals(she does pay him). He was also supposed to rehab the houses that we bought. He doesn't work for my mother anymore b/c "he doesn't have time." ALso I have 1 house that's been sitting for over 2 years and another that has sat for over a year that he just stopped working on. I am paying over $1000 a month on both houses that are just sitting. I even asked him to hire someone to do the work, but it's like he doesn't care. I finally hired someone to finish the house that I've had for a year. He doesn't know, but it will be finished Friday. I am also having it refinanced and renting it section 8. I just bought another house which he doesn't know about. I have a crew rehabbing it now. I will start on the house that's been sitting for 2 years after I flip it. He fooled me into believing that I could not do this w/out him. I guess I forgot I was doing this before I met him.

Amen sister, but watch that he does not try to get a piece of the pie you baked if you all should get divorced.

 

[yourleoqueen]

Also, if you want to keep the properties that you have purchased that need work, there are several Grants set aside for "minority" property owners that you could get from the Gov to fix up your houses. That's money you don't have to pay back. Just thought I'd mention that in case you didn't know.

 

[Leigh]

Amen sister, but watch that he does not try to get a piece of the pie you baked if you all should get divorced.

I sent you a pm about this.

 

[Taya]

I'm not gonna advise you to get a divorce without getting a VERY clear understanding of what you could loose. sometimes women have to pay spouse support too,and so on. so check into all your options.and you may have to put some of that property in someone elses name ( that can truly be trusted to turn it back to you after everything is final) before divorcing. cause i'd hate for you to loose it or have to share it.so find out about the stuff owned before marriage,but as with a man i think anything bought after marriage by either is consider both of you'll. i'm not a expert on marriage or divorce or anything just going by what iheard and others around me experiences. also there's a website called (wisewomen.com or wise.com) tells lil info on divorce. but plz be well advised before going in. I WISH YOU ALL WELL. HOPEFULLY EVERYTHING WILL WORK FOR YOU. REMEMBER NO MATTER WHAT " KEEP YOUR HEAD UP" .

 

[Sweet C]

I'm not gonna advise you to get a divorce without getting a VERY clear understanding of what you could loose. sometimes women have to pay spouse support too,and so on.

I didn't even think about that. With the man having no job it is likely that could happen.

I don't have any advice, but I just want to give you a hug and let you know that you are in my prayers.

 

[life_is_great]

I think everyone has given you great advice. Make sure all of the assets YOU have acquired are covered and forget about his stupid truck. He thinks he has it going on, well, he should man up and pay off the truck himself. As for you, just be careful and prepare to leave him.

Thanks to everyone for all the advice. I have made up my mind to leave and I am getting everything in order. It would be great if he did pay off his truck, but with what? He has no money, except what's in our joint accounts. He doesn't know about my seperate acct. When I leave him, he has no JOB.

 

[life_is_great]

I know I've been saying stop discussing it with him, however, you could tell him in a loving way that someone who truly loves you and has your best interest at heart would never incourage you to mismanage your finances and that really hurts that he would suggest that. The bible also tells us to owe no man (New Testament) and that the virtuous woman's (Old Testament) family wanted for nothing and she was financially successful. Materialism is very different from financial success. There are many poor materialistic people.

I have already told him this. I told him that I was hurt that he would suggest that. He said he was hurt b/c I wouldn't do what he said to do.

 

[life_is_great]

Also, if you want to keep the properties that you have purchased that need work, there are several Grants set aside for "minority" property owners that you could get from the Gov to fix up your houses. That's money you don't have to pay back. Just thought I'd mention that in case you didn't know.

Grants.....already been that road. Much easier said than done. I have a company that I use that loans me the money to acquire the properties and do the rehabs. The problem is the money went into paying mtg pymts for 12-24 mths instead doing the rehabs.

 

[life_is_great]

I'm not gonna advise you to get a divorce without getting a VERY clear understanding of what you could loose. sometimes women have to pay spouse support too,and so on. so check into all your options.and you may have to put some of that property in someone elses name ( that can truly be trusted to turn it back to you after everything is final) before divorcing. cause i'd hate for you to loose it or have to share it.so find out about the stuff owned before marriage,but as with a man i think anything bought after marriage by either is consider both of you'll. i'm not a expert on marriage or divorce or anything just going by what iheard and others around me experiences. also there's a website called (wisewomen.com or wise.com) tells lil info on divorce. but plz be well advised before going in. I WISH YOU ALL WELL. HOPEFULLY EVERYTHING WILL WORK FOR YOU. REMEMBER NO MATTER WHAT " KEEP YOUR HEAD UP" .

Thanks. I have been talking to my atty about this. Alabama is not a community property state. We have been married just over 2 yrs, so I shouldn't have to pay spousal support.

 

[lexi08]

I have already told him this. I told him that I was hurt that he would suggest that. He said he was hurt b/c I wouldn't do what he said to do.

WTF!!!! I have heard it all now, I must have missed this part earlier. He is pissed because you would not mess yourself up financially because he said so? Girl I am pissed off and I don't even know you. Take your baby and go!!!!!!

 

[blazingthru]

Mrs. Patriceww, I had all this stuff I wanted to say to you about staying in your marriage and all that stuff until I read the end of your post. IMHO I believe when a man is starting to complain about everything that you do, it is becoming a control issue. He started it by talking about your rental properties something he doesn't have control of and that your making a success of. He complains about other things that you do that he doesn't have control off or make changes to. I would be very concern and be careful, With my husband it was about controlling me first because I didnt' come with much. Then my money and then anything else I had obtained it was so slight I didn't know it was happening. I figured it out when the kids came. Nothing I ever did was right. Then the mental abuse, emotional abuse, then physical abuse. At this point in my life he best not say anything to me, I rage at him so he pretty much leaves me alone its hard, hard as hell. He is cutting the phone off in the house -just because he can. I can't add any more bills to my load and so because I don't contribute to the phone bill I won't haves access to it or the internet, except when I am at work its hard as hell leaving with a controller. Get all the advice that you can before you do anything especially from lawyers. Be very careful. Best of luck no matter what you decided to do.

 

[Stormy]

Well, everyone has pretty much given you the same advice that I would. So, I'll keep you in my prayers. I hope everything turns out well. Sounds like you're on the right track. Thank goodness you have your own things in your own name!

 

[lexi08]

Mrs. Patriceww, I had all this stuff I wanted to say to you about staying in your marriage and all that stuff until I read the end of your post. IMHO I believe when a man is starting to complain about everything that you do, it is becoming a control issue. He started it by talking about your rental properties something he doesn't have control of and that your making a success of. He complains about other things that you do that he doesn't have control off or make changes to. I would be very concern and be careful, With my husband it was about controlling me first because I didnt' come with much. Then my money and then anything else I had obtained it was so slight I didn't know it was happening. I figured it out when the kids came. Nothing I ever did was right. Then the mental abuse, emotional abuse, then physical abuse. At this point in my life he best not say anything to me, I rage at him so he pretty much leaves me alone its hard, hard as hell. He is cutting the phone off in the house -just because he can. I can't add any more bills to my load and so because I don't contribute to the phone bill I won't haves access to it or the internet, except when I am at work its hard as hell leaving with a controller. Get all the advice that you can before you do anything especially from lawyers. Be very careful. Best of luck no matter what you decided to do.

I don't want to Hijack or anything but,
Your post makes me sad . I hope you are able to resolve your situation also.

 

[life_is_great]

Mrs. Patriceww, I had all this stuff I wanted to say to you about staying in your marriage and all that stuff until I read the end of your post. IMHO I believe when a man is starting to complain about everything that you do, it is becoming a control issue. He started it by talking about your rental properties something he doesn't have control of and that your making a success of. He complains about other things that you do that he doesn't have control off or make changes to. I would be very concern and be careful, With my husband it was about controlling me first because I didnt' come with much. Then my money and then anything else I had obtained it was so slight I didn't know it was happening. I figured it out when the kids came. Nothing I ever did was right. Then the mental abuse, emotional abuse, then physical abuse. At this point in my life he best not say anything to me, I rage at him so he pretty much leaves me alone its hard, hard as hell. He is cutting the phone off in the house -just because he can. I can't add any more bills to my load and so because I don't contribute to the phone bill I won't haves access to it or the internet, except when I am at work its hard as hell leaving with a controller. Get all the advice that you can before you do anything especially from lawyers. Be very careful. Best of luck no matter what you decided to do.

Yes, he is very controlling. (Ya'll, I'm so sorry that I keep going on, but I just have to let it out. I don't discuss this with my friends or family b/c they might think I'm stupid.) Fortunately, he can't control anything the house. I forgot, the Direct TV bill is in his name. He says he gets so tired of having to go through me to get information about anything(utility bills, his cell phone bill). I told him to use $500 to file bankruptcy b/c there was not way he would pay everything off. Instead he bought a nextel phone(He had to pay a $300. deposit) and left me having to pay his t-mobile bill until Feb b/c it's in my name. It was a year before I could add him to my checking accts. 3 days after we were married, the sherriff picked him up from his job b/c he didn't go to child support court. He was paying, he just didn't go. When he got there they kept him b/c he had a warrant for bad check that he and his ex girlfriend wrote. I had just started getting on my feet at the time, so I had to borrow $5000. to get his behind out of jail.

 

[life_is_great]

Trudy: Are you still with your husband?

 

[life_is_great]

Well, everyone has pretty much given you the same advice that I would. So, I'll keep you in my prayers. I hope everything turns out well. Sounds like you're on the right track. Thank goodness you have your own things in your own name!

Hi Stormy. How are you? Thanks so much. Coming back to B'ham anytime soon?

 

[MzTami]

I need to stay off this thread. It makes me want to cut somebody ..... Please move on. But you should definately pay off anything that is in your name. Keep your background and credit history clean.

 

[lexi08]

Yes, he is very controlling. (Ya'll, I'm so sorry that I keep going on, but I just have to let it out. I don't discuss this with my friends or family b/c they might think I'm stupid.) Fortunately, he can't control anything the house. I forgot, the Direct TV bill is in his name. He says he gets so tired of having to go through me to get information about anything(utility bills, his cell phone bill). I told him to use $500 to file bankruptcy b/c there was not way he would pay everything off. Instead he bought a nextel phone(He had to pay a $300. deposit) and left me having to pay his t-mobile bill until Feb b/c it's in my name. It was a year before I could add him to my checking accts. 3 days after we were married, the sherriff picked him up from his job b/c he didn't go to child support court. He was paying, he just didn't go. When he got there they kept him b/c he had a warrant for bad check that he and his ex girlfriend wrote. I had just started getting on my feet at the time, so I had to borrow $5000. to get his behind out of jail.

OMG girl!! You story just keeps getting worse!
No you are not stupid, I know what you mean though regarding talking to friends and family. You seem to be a smart woman, so just keep doing what you have to inorder to get out of this situation.

 

[life_is_great]

OMG girl!! You story just keeps getting worse!
No you are not stupid, I know what you mean though regarding talking to friends and family. You seem to be a smart woman, so just keep doing what you have to inorder to get out of this situation.

I don't even discuss him with my mom. He doesn't talk to my mom and he said she can't come to our house anymore. She heard from some workers how he talks to me on the phone in front of them. I told him that he wasn't much of a man to dog me out in front of people. He knew where it came from, so he called her. Well anyway, my mom told him that without me he is nothing. Before me he didn't have a pot to piss in and after me he still won't. SO he got mad and said she's not welcome at our house. Then he was mad at me when I told her b/c he said I shouldn't have told her that. My Mom is a CHristian, so she felt really bad about the things she said to him. She sent him a letter apologizing and expressing that she loves him like a son. That's been over 3 weeks ago, he still hasn't responded.

 

[Vet27]

I still say quick claim deed some of those new properties to your moms name. I watch divorce court alot. The judge awarded this guy $500 a month in spousal supprt(for 1 year). The man only made $34,000 a year-the lady made $68,000 per year. I don't know what state, but if he is not working and you make more money, you may to to pay him for 6 months to a year. He came to the marrige with nothing.

Been there, done that. I helped bail out a boyfriend before, I went around to his friends getting money together.

I am 29, never been married, no kids, own house, own car, but stories like this will keep me from settling for the wrong person. We have all made mistakes, but it refreshing to find we are not alone.


I say keep your head up. This ni$$a's meal ticket is about to run out.

Vet27

 

[lexi08]

I don't even discuss him with my mom. He doesn't talk to my mom and he said she can't come to our house anymore. She heard from some workers how he talks to me on the phone in front of them. I told him that he wasn't much of a man to dog me out in front of people. He knew where it came from, so he called her. Well anyway, my mom told him that without me he is nothing. Before me he didn't have a pot to piss in and after me he still won't. SO he got mad and said she's not welcome at our house. Then he was mad at me when I told her b/c he said I shouldn't have told her that. My Mom is a CHristian, so she felt really bad about the things she said to him. She sent him a letter apologizing and expressing that she loves him like a son. That's been over 3 weeks ago, he still hasn't responded.

Being a mother myself, I understand why your Mom said what she did, hell I would defend my baby too. You are definitely correct though in saying what you did to your husband, I went through this with my ex. Real men don't put down their wives, it is a sign of a weak, cowardly man. I know this man is your husband, but he gots to go IMO. You will be fine though, I have survived a bad marriage and so have many other women, just learn from this situation and keep moving forward.

 

[life_is_great]

Being a mother myself, I understand why your Mom said what she did, hell I would defend my baby too. You are definitely correct though in saying what you did to your husband, I went through this with my ex. Real men don't put down their wives, it is a sign of a weak, cowardly man. I know this man is your husband, but he gots to go IMO. You will be fine though, I have survived a bad marriage and so have many other women, just learn from this situation and keep moving forward.

Thanks. You ladies are great. I just didn't know what to do. I felt like, maybe it really is my fault that things aren't working. He had me brainwashed. I just didn't want to believe he was jealous, I've never been one to go around saying people are jealous of me. I have aired out my dirty laundry and gotten some empowering feedback. I know what I must do, but now I don't feel guilty anymore. I was worried about what would happen to him if I left.

 

[yourleoqueen]

I don't even discuss him with my mom. He doesn't talk to my mom and he said she can't come to our house anymore.

Wait...lemme see if I understand this...YOUR mother can't come to YOUR house because HE said so? Hold on, lemme go take a blood pressure pill.
I'm back. HOW THE FU*K IS HE GONE TELL YOU THAT YOUR MOTHER CAN'T COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND HE AIN'T PAYIN NO BILLS! OH HELL NAW!

my mom told him that without me he is nothing. Before me he didn't have a pot to piss in and after me he still won't.

Truth hurts, but it needed to be said! You've made his grass so green he seems to have forgotten that he just recently left the desert.

My Mom is a CHristian, so she felt really bad about the things she said to him. She sent him a letter apologizing and expressing that she loves him like a son. That's been over 3 weeks ago, he still hasn't responded.

Apologize my a$$! Your mother didn't say anything wrong, and she certainly didn't say anything she needed to apologize for! TRUTH HURTS!
The more I think about your situation the more I think this fool needs to be cut. Call your weed smoking and/or just got out the joint cousin and have him dealt with. I ain't sayin have him killed or disabled, but he needs his a$$ whooped. Man I wish you lived in AR, I'd have one of my cousins do it.

 

[blazingthru]

Trudy: Are you still with your husband?

Yes, He went to Iraq and that was the perfect time for me to make my gettaway but I didn't, I wasn't sure of the outcome, so I stayed he came back changed and wanted his family and he was so good to me all of six weeks. He had my entire family fooled. I spent hundreds of dollars just having fun and planning parties welcome home stuff and BBQ's and you know trying to keep it good but he blew up and cursed me out something terrible for not driving him around. Now mind you we have two cars in the family. I was running mine in the ground doing stuff with the kids here and there and now my husband is home I want to be driven around a minute - besides I didn't know it was a big deal or that it would set him off. Well anything can set him off. Well after that day he stopped eating anything that I cooked. No intimacy at all, no conversation, no nothing. I had spent all my secret stash I figure he had been gone a year he seen a lot he must have changed, he had changed so much on the outside, he went completely bald and gain weight he looked good. But he was the same person on the inside. Its been four months and now going into December. No stash and at that time he was giving me money, (which is something he never does except when he is called to duty) that stopped and I went into a hole and I been trying to get it together since. My children were so angry that I was even nice to him when he came home and these are his kids now if that don't tell you I don't know what else would. but I wouldn't listen. Now I remind myself that only God can change him and only if (husband) wants to change and he and God have no dealings I am stuck, I can't go no where until I build up my money and that is not going to be anytime soon. I hope you get it together and if you can get out without him being there that would be best because you never ever know or you never ever really know people they surprise you with their meanness. I never talk about it this board has helped me pour out all my business I hope I never regret it.

 

[Morningstar55]

Yes, he is very controlling. (Ya'll, I'm so sorry that I keep going on, but I just have to let it out. I don't discuss this with my friends or family b/c they might think I'm stupid.) Fortunately, he can't control anything the house. I forgot, the Direct TV bill is in his name. He says he gets so tired of having to go through me to get information about anything(utility bills, his cell phone bill). I told him to use $500 to file bankruptcy b/c there was not way he would pay everything off. Instead he bought a nextel phone(He had to pay a $300. deposit) and left me having to pay his t-mobile bill until Feb b/c it's in my name. It was a year before I could add him to my checking accts. 3 days after we were married, the sherriff picked him up from his job b/c he didn't go to child support court. He was paying, he just didn't go. When he got there they kept him b/c he had a warrant for bad check that he and his ex girlfriend wrote. I had just started getting on my feet at the time, so I had to borrow $5000. to get his behind out of jail.

Through all of this I truly admire you. This is a hard situation for you but you sound like a smart woman that will get things in order before you leave. Get a few different opinions as to what could happen if you divorce him.

Youve BEEN a tropper, you'll make it through this...