I so want a divorce

AmyInAtl said:
...
I have taken one step towards independence. I have not worked in 40 months, Since this saga began. I start a new job tomorrow. Thank Allah.
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How are you doing AmyInATL? How do you like the new job? I hope you had a good first week there.
 
I agree with the ladies who say that you need to seek counseling for yourself even if he chooses not to go. You need to talk to someone and get advice until you're able to move on if he chooses not to change. Give him the opportunity to go with you everytime you go. If and when it's finally over he won't be able to say that you didn't try everything within your power to make it work.

I agree with not being confrontational to the point of getting in his face but I sure wouldn't be paying for cable and the internet. If he wants to watch and surf then he needs to get a job to pay for it. When he asks what happened to the cable, tell him that you can't afford to pay for unimportant, unecessary things like that. Stop buying all of his favorite foods and stuff too. Sometimes, well heck most of the time men are unable to see the mess they cause until it directly affects them and their personal comfort. It may not totally snap him out of it but he'll have to decide whether or not he wants to continue to wallow in self pity without his toys and free ride or get a job.
 
AmyInAtl said:
My husband went from being almost perfect to downright rank. We were childhood sweethearts. He had always been nice to me, has never hit me or called me out my name. He isn't the smartest and came from a broken home, but he has just always been nice, let me come and go as I pleased, easy to get along with. Chintsy with money in the beginning, but really came around, and there was nothing I couldn't have or ask for. Where he did not match me in college education he made up by joining the military.
Life was really romantic and comfortable during those years. I began to trust and respect him as a man. This lasted for 8 years. Things changed when I got pregnant with the baby/s he Begged for. After telling me he would retire from the military. Trusting him we got pregnant with twins. Soon after he switched up telling me that he wanted to get out of the military so he could smoke weed. Aroung the time the twins turned 1 years old. I was flabbergasted. I should have known. He was rude and uncaring during my high risk pregnacy. I was shocked this was so not the person I had always knew. He even asked if I could at least work at McDonalds during my high-risk pregnacy. We did not need the money. He just turned very cold hearted. Honestly he did not help me much to be during the difficult pregnacy. He helped some after I delivered. And helps lesser and lesser by the day. Fast forward he has only gotten worse. He does no housework. He ignores everyone in the house all day long, by being on the computer ALL day, or lounging watching tv. He refuses to work. He feels he has worked alot and deserves to kick back until his unemployment runs out (um he's only worked 8 years, smh). I have taken it upon myself to get a job so my family will not be destitute. The only half positive thing I can say is he half watches the kids while I work. I sooo want to divorce him, just walk out and never come back. I almost hate him. I pray alot to just be relieved of this queen. He is such an oppressor. We had been together more than 10 years before he decided to turn into a uggg, dont even have words for it. I can say he stays at home and does not run the streets. Although he cruises the pc for women on blackpeoplemeet (tho he can't afford to open a account).........I just feel so tricked out of my independence. Ladies pls send a prayer up for me. At this point I don't know if a man can even be ever trusted. I could have never predicted all this.
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Could he be purposely trying to push you away? I'm no psychotherapist, but I have found through observation that when men are depressed they can act out. And when they are through with you, they act out. Was he as happy with the relationship as you were??

Counseling sister. Before you toss him aside.
 
Fabulousity said:
Is he in a state of depression OP?
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I agree with Fabulousity...I think your husband is clinically depressed and/or exhibiting other signs of mental health issues. Honestly, you should get him real psychiatric help by a psychiatrist (MD) and/or licensed psychotherapist. This problem is bigger than a marriage counselor who is unfamiliar with DSM IV criteria (guidelines for psychiatric diseases).

Depression is a real and serious illness and will cause you to lose all desire to work, communicate with others, and carry out daily life activities. True, you need to think about your children, but I think he's crying out for help and it's not him just being a 'selfish man,' but a person who is ill and in need of help.
 
belletifi08 said:
I agree with Fabulousity...I think your husband is clinically depressed and/or exhibiting other signs of mental health issues. Honestly, you should get him real psychiatric help by a psychiatrist (MD) and/or licensed psychotherapist. This problem is bigger than a marriage counselor who is unfamiliar with DSM IV criteria (guidelines for psychiatric diseases).
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:hand: Time out... this is very very false and such a problem is within the expertise of a LMFT.
 
ClassyND said:
:hand: Time out... this is very very false and such a problem is within the expertise of a LMFT.
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I assume LMFT means licensed marriage and family therapist. If so, I wasn't talking about them. I was talking about those counselors, who are 'unfamiliar with DSM-IV criteria.' If they're not unfamiliar with it, I was not referring to them. :)
 
4 years later.........Checking in.

We stayed together, not because we wanted to because neither could afford to leave. My twins are now 6 years old.
He has still has not held a steady job. He still is on the computer. He does go to college through his veterans benefits.
Nothing is better. I am still work. No money saved bc I pay all the bills.
He is a silent alcoholic and a chronic lottery ticket scratcher.. Everyone in the house is still invisible to him.
I have been through the ringer mentally. I just pray and keep it moving day by day.
Health issues prevents me then and now from divorcing. I am not healhty enough to work fulltime and raise a family fulltime independently. I did seek mental health help for myself, and take antidepressants. I have lost interest in many many things. But I'm hanging in there and surviving.

I was browsing the thread and was surprised to see my 4 year old thread on page 4.
 
Moschino said:
4 years later.........Checking in.

We stayed together, not because we wanted to because neither could afford to leave. My twins are now 6 years old.
He has still has not held a steady job. He still is on the computer. He does go to college through his veterans benefits.
Nothing is better. I am still work. No money saved bc I pay all the bills.
He is a silent alcoholic and a chronic lottery ticket scratcher.. Everyone in the house is still invisible to him.
I have been through the ringer mentally. I just pray and keep it moving day by day.
Health issues prevents me then and now from divorcing. I am not healhty enough to work fulltime and raise a family fulltime independently. I did seek mental health help for myself, and take antidepressants. I have lost interest in many many things. But I'm hanging in there and surviving.

I was browsing the thread and was surprised to see my 4 year old thread on page 4.
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Damn this is so sad. :nono:
 
Have you looked into any resources in your community to help you get on your feet. I know you said you are surviving but you sound sad and depressed and this is just through your words. The things your husband is doing and you are exposing your kids to is going to affect them.

There's an old saying.....you can do bad all by yourself.

Do you need him for childcare? What are the reasons he's around if you are the one paying all the bills and working?
 
Moschino said:
4 years later.........Checking in.

We stayed together, not because we wanted to because neither could afford to leave. My twins are now 6 years old.
He has still has not held a steady job. He still is on the computer. He does go to college through his veterans benefits.
Nothing is better. I am still work. No money saved bc I pay all the bills.
He is a silent alcoholic and a chronic lottery ticket scratcher.. Everyone in the house is still invisible to him.
I have been through the ringer mentally. I just pray and keep it moving day by day.
Health issues prevents me then and now from divorcing. I am not healhty enough to work fulltime and raise a family fulltime independently. I did seek mental health help for myself, and take antidepressants. I have lost interest in many many things. But I'm hanging in there and surviving.

I was browsing the thread and was surprised to see my 4 year old thread on page 4.
Click to expand...

I greatly apologize op, b/c I read most of this thread, but due to the hour were I am, not all of it. So, if this question was asked please do not hurt me, but did your husband see combat? Another poster suggested mental illness, I would agree...his behavior seems to be very ptsd'ish imho.

Your story kind of stuck with me, that came to me this morning.
 
I would suggest seeking out resources in your area that may be able to help with housing and food.

Do you have any family or friends that you could live with for a little while if needed?

There are some work from home jobs that you can try if you need to make a little more income. Do you have access to a computer and Internet at home?

What are you good at? Do you have a side hustle that you can do to support yourself or for extra money? Is there something that you may need a little more training to do that you can turn into a side hustle?

This situation is going to affect the kids in the long term.

I sent out a prayer for you.
 
NaturallySweet73 said:
I greatly apologize op, b/c I read most of this thread, but due to the hour were I am, not all of it. So, if this question was asked please do not hurt me, but did your husband see combat? Another poster suggested mental illness, I would agree...his behavior seems to be very ptsd'ish imho.

Your story kind of stuck with me, that came to me this morning.
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Yes he did, on the xBox, on the PS3, but not in the military, lol......
 
Wait, if you are the sole breadwinner, and he's not contributing? Who cannot afford to leave? Sounds like he's mooching off of you. Please believe that there is a healthier, happier, better life for you and your children....:bighug:
 
Its time for you to take the same money you using to pay the bills, your kids and all your shyt to an apartment. Leave him right there in the house. I bet you'd be able to save plenty money to file for divorce, since you won't have to support him and his lottery and weed habit.
 
OP, please dont find yourself in a place one day where you are hating yourself, your life and everyone in it because you realized too late that you could have lead a happier life. This happened to my grandmother and she died a miserable miserable woman. In her later years all she talked about was her regrets for marrying my grandfather and how she wasted her life. She became very bitter towards him. She'd sit me down and tell me how she hated that she never realized that she actually had a choice to be happy and make changes until she was in her 80's. By then, demntia and illness set in, but not enough to wipe out her memory of life's regrets.
 
If his only purpose right now is day care, you can get government assistance to help with those expenses while you work.

You can do an uncontested divorce yourself for under $400 bucks.

You are not trapped, but you have to want to fight for a better life..sounds like you aren't there yet.
 
Moschino said:
4 years later.........Checking in.

We stayed together, not because we wanted to because neither could afford to leave. My twins are now 6 years old.
He has still has not held a steady job. He still is on the computer. He does go to college through his veterans benefits.
Nothing is better. I am still work. No money saved bc I pay all the bills.
He is a silent alcoholic and a chronic lottery ticket scratcher.. Everyone in the house is still invisible to him.
I have been through the ringer mentally. I just pray and keep it moving day by day.
Health issues prevents me then and now from divorcing. I am not healhty enough to work fulltime and raise a family fulltime independently. I did seek mental health help for myself, and take antidepressants. I have lost interest in many many things. But I'm hanging in there and surviving.

I was browsing the thread and was surprised to see my 4 year old thread on page 4.
Click to expand...

What state are you in? Is there any family you could stay with near? You don't have to say your state but you could apply for TANF a temp monetary payment monthly maybe 300-400 BUT with that you would get free childcare. If you could somehow put some money away to get a cheap apartment. Also if you're working, some employers would allow you to "quit" to apply for the TANF, to secure the free childcare, then come back and get your job back. I'm suggesting all of this because I just helped my cousin in law with a very similar situation. You can PM me if you want to.
 
DigitalRain said:
Its time for you to take the same money you using to pay the bills, your kids and all your shyt to an apartment. Leave him right there in the house. I bet you'd be able to save plenty money to file for divorce, since you won't have to support him and his lottery and weed habit.
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Also, lets say you have TWO months to get disconnected or evicted. I'd not pay everything for two months, on that two months, I would take that money I didn't pay and move TF out.
 
I'm so sorry about this situation but I am curious as to what caused the drastic change because it really is drastic mind you. Does your husband suffer from a mental disorder? Did something go wrong after the children were born? Like did he feel you ignored him after the children were born? I'm sorry this happened to you but even I'm scratching my head on this one because usually there are always signs in the beginning that someone is bad or whatever unless perhaps you don't feel comfortable telling us the whole story. My sister is married to a horrible man but he was horrible from the beginning so that's why your sitaution is so strange. I dunno sis, all I can offer is prayer and a hug. Have you at least tried marriage counseling or at least talked about it???
 
Moschino said:
4 years later.........Checking in.

We stayed together, not because we wanted to because neither could afford to leave. My twins are now 6 years old.
He has still has not held a steady job. He still is on the computer. He does go to college through his veterans benefits.
Nothing is better. I am still work. No money saved bc I pay all the bills.
He is a silent alcoholic and a chronic lottery ticket scratcher.. Everyone in the house is still invisible to him.
I have been through the ringer mentally. I just pray and keep it moving day by day.
Health issues prevents me then and now from divorcing. I am not healhty enough to work fulltime and raise a family fulltime independently. I did seek mental health help for myself, and take antidepressants. I have lost interest in many many things. But I'm hanging in there and surviving.

I was browsing the thread and was surprised to see my 4 year old thread on page 4.
Click to expand...


LOL! I just realized this thread was 4 years old!!! Well either way, it's good to see you are surviving sista!! Keep ya head up!
 
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