Married & divorced ladies, I need advice... (long)

[UmSumayyah]

The ladies have given you so much advice, I just wanted to say don't feel bad about making the mistake (marrying him). It's done. But believe that you can and will move on and deserve a wonderful husband who loves you, encourages you, is filled with joy to see you doing well.
Oh, and starting now make sure to keep all your documents and anything with your SS# where he can't access it. You never know, he might be getting stuff set up in your name after you are gone.
As for what will happen to him when you are gone, that is not your responsibility and I think you should not make it your problem.

 

[brickhouse]

mrspatrice I am sorry to hear about your marriage. I think we touched on it a little while ago. I wish things were better for you. My exhusband was the same way. I also made a very bad judgement when I dated and married him. When I met him he was not working so I told him if you wants to be with me he would have to get a job. He has been working ever since. First red flag is a thirty something man without a job. He was really jealous of me and treated me badly. This happened after we had been together a couple of years and I was still living at home. Soon as I moved in with him the violence began. It was verbal and emotional at first and then it became physical especially when I mentioned leaving him. I did not even think he would let me live when I divorced him. I just cut him off completely a couple of weeks ago. He kept calling me even though I was seeing someone else at the time. I finally told him not to ever call me again. I am still trying to rebuild my credit. I had very good credit before him and helped him establish his credit and now it is all ruin. Some days I feel like crying over it but I am just trying to do the best I can and get my credit to where it was. Please feel free to pm me. I have been there. We all make mistakes so forgive yourself and him and move on. I can tell you one thing. If a man is jealous of you it will never, ever work. Trust me.

 

[Leigh]

I have already told him this. I told him that I was hurt that he would suggest that. He said he was hurt b/c I wouldn't do what he said to do.

Hurt? Please. He was mad you wouldn't follow his bad advice.

 

[Leigh]

Yes, he is very controlling. (Ya'll, I'm so sorry that I keep going on, but I just have to let it out. I don't discuss this with my friends or family b/c they might think I'm stupid.) Fortunately, he can't control anything the house. I forgot, the Direct TV bill is in his name. He says he gets so tired of having to go through me to get information about anything(utility bills, his cell phone bill). I told him to use $500 to file bankruptcy b/c there was not way he would pay everything off. Instead he bought a nextel phone(He had to pay a $300. deposit) and left me having to pay his t-mobile bill until Feb b/c it's in my name. It was a year before I could add him to my checking accts. 3 days after we were married, the sherriff picked him up from his job b/c he didn't go to child support court. He was paying, he just didn't go. When he got there they kept him b/c he had a warrant for bad check that he and his ex girlfriend wrote. I had just started getting on my feet at the time, so I had to borrow $5000. to get his behind out of jail.

At least you don't have to pay for his cell phone anymore. And why is there an (s) on the end of checking account. Try one new joint account and that's it. Can he read? When the bill comes in why doesn't he look at them? I'm sure it's in a central place. He's distorted everything because of whatever issues he's dealing with.

 

[Leigh]

SAY WHAT! Okay now see, that's grounds for divorce RIGHT THERE! I mean I'll win the bread for a year or two if he layin the smack down but yo man ain't bring nuttin (pun intended) to the table! DAG!

That's why he's acting like that. He's upset he's not able to perform. So he has to take something out on mrspatrice to cover up his problems.

 

[rozlips]

First, make sure you're really careful with those properties. Real estate law in Alabama is ridiculously complicated and can get screwy. I'd think long and hard about giving my mama a gift of those properties before I file for divorce. If you have any money in any account that he might possibly get access to move it. Dude will clean you out and you won't be able to recover. I'd recommend moving any money anyway, and keeping any access information at yor mama's house.

As for feeling stupid for making mistake, these type men count on that, that's how they isolate you from friends and family. Tell everybody what he's done and how he treats you. I hate to say this, but you won't be the first wife to 'disappear' under such circumstances. You owe it to yourself and your family to at least leave some clue as to what might have happened to you.

Also, being cut off from your support network is bad for you emotionally. That's what friends and family are for. If we can't go to them when we do something stupid, when can we got to them?

You need to return to counseling, whether he'll go or not. You need to know why you chose this loser in the first place. Because I'll bet you dollar to a doughnut that if you don't do some serious work on your emotional health you'll choose someone else just as bad next time. You and your child deserve better.

 

[Stormy]

Hi Stormy. How are you? Thanks so much. Coming back to B'ham anytime soon?

Not unless you need me to help you pack!

Seriously though, let me know if you ever need to do another Girl's Day out or something.

 

[MissJ]

Wow, your husband is off the chain!

 

[Mitre]

Honey did you sign a pre-nut if not if you divorce him he can lawfully get alimony from you until he remarried that is the law. Never marry down ladies it can cost you more in the long run. The law state that if you introduce your spouse to a certain lifestyle then you have to maintain it if you guys split up. what the f*^&

 

[life_is_great]

Hello ladies. Ya'll just don't how encouraging you have been. I was off yesterday, so I did some planning. I am trying to sell 3 of my rentals. My tenant in my 4 unit wants to buy it. He is currently renting the entire house, he's Mexican and his extended family lives there. He's going to see a mortgage broker today. I am also trying to sell 2 of my duplexes and the house that's been sitting for a year will be finished Saturday, YEAHHH!!! I am listing it Monday. I did some things at my house that he's just neglected. When he came home yesterday, he saw that I had done these things and I guess he was upset. He didn't talk to me and he went to bed in the other bedroom. I didn't say a word, I just ignored him. He finally came into our bedroom around 2:00 this morning. I'm having some girlfriends over tonight for a girls night, my b'day is next week. I asked him if he could pick up some things for me, he said he would, but I doubt if he does. As for the money, we have 2 joint cking accts and I have a single acct that he knows about and 1 that he doesn't know about. The one that he doesn't know about also has mom's name on it. I keep just enough money in the accts with his name so he won't ask questions. He has no idea how much money we have, he doesn't open bank statements or bills. He just lets me handle it all. I can't wait until I leave. I am going to start seeing a counselor in January. I know I need it, I can't afford to make the same mistake again. Next time PRE-NUP for me. Oh ya'll, this is funny. Wednesday, he told me to take all the Christmas gifts back, except for the kids gifts. I returned everything yesterday. He just called me and asked what happened to all the gifts that were under the tree. I told him I did as he requested and returned them. He held the phone for a minute, then finally said ok. These were gifts for his family, my family doesn't exchange gifts, except my mom and brother. I didn't return their gifts, instead I took them to my mom's house. I just understand him. I don't even try. Just can't wait to be single again.

 

[life_is_great]

Stormy:
I will be in Atlanta February 17-20. My daughter has a cheerleading competition at the Georgia World Congress Center that weekend. Maybe we can get together and do lunch or something.

 

[Vet27]

Good Luck & thanks for sharing.....

Vet27

 

[MissYocairis]

MrsPatrice.....I am just going to tell you ONE thing that my Grandmother told me that I have found to be 100% correct. (and, I am divorced)


You will never have a successful relationship with someone who is not cut from the same cloth as you.


No matter the attraction, no matter the fun, no matter the passion....ultimately, mis-matched people will never mesh enough to make it work. You are not cut from the same cloth as this man. It's not a slight to him, but he will never change into your type of person and you will never change into his type of person.

My Grandmother, upon meeting my ex-husband when we were engaged, pulled him aside and, asked him in their first meeting, "why do you want to marry CBC? She is a good girl and you and she aren't cut from the same cloth. Why don't you go out in the street and get one of these street women instead of trying to marry her?" Now, obviously, this was cold and mean. She CUT him with it. But, what she was pointing out was, we weren't cut from the same cloth, not equally yoked, and it would never work.

There has to be some fundamental similarities in your core being that you share with the person you marry. Just like when you pick your friends and you pick those who you relate with on the most fundamental levels. You just "click". Well, I have to admit, I NEVER "clicked" with my ex-husband from the start but I married him out of boredom and seeking for something meaningful to do. You cannot change people. You just have to gravititate toward those whom you can relate on a soul level. You and your husband are not relating on a soul level. I wish you all the best.

 

[MissYocairis]

BTW, my ex-husband was the same. But, he hated the idea of me doing ANYTHING progressive. No more school. No freelance writing. NOTHING. Everything I tried to do to improve my repetoire, he criticized it and me. The more requests that came in for me to work with this group or that project, the nastier he became toward me. It was as though he was jealous. Can you IMAGINE being JEALOUS of your mate? WTF? I spent 8 years trying to help him see that my success was his success and trying to figure out what was wrong with him. I wasted a lot of years. Pay attention....PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE. CUT THEM LOOSE IF THEY CANNOT SUPPORT YOUR DREAMS AND GOALS AND YOU. TRUE LOVE IS TO BE LOVED FOR WHO AND WHAT YOU ALREADY ARE!

 

[life_is_great]

MrsPatrice.....I am just going to tell you ONE thing that my Grandmother told me that I have found to be 100% correct. (and, I am divorced)


You will never have a successful relationship with someone who is not cut from the same cloth as you.


No matter the attraction, no matter the fun, no matter the passion....ultimately, mis-matched people will never mesh enough to make it work. You are not cut from the same cloth as this man. It's not a slight to him, but he will never change into your type of person and you will never change into his type of person.

My Grandmother, upon meeting my ex-husband when we were engaged, pulled him aside and, asked him in their first meeting, "why do you want to marry CBC? She is a good girl and you and she aren't cut from the same cloth. Why don't you go out in the street and get one of these street women instead of trying to marry her?" Now, obviously, this was cold and mean. She CUT him with it. But, what she was pointing out was, we weren't cut from the same cloth, not equally yoked, and it would never work.

There has to be some fundamental similarities in your core being that you share with the person you marry. Just like when you pick your friends and you pick those who you relate with on the most fundamental levels. You just "click". Well, I have to admit, I NEVER "clicked" with my ex-husband from the start but I married him out of boredom and seeking for something meaningful to do. You cannot change people. You just have to gravititate toward those whom you can relate on a soul level. You and your husband are not relating on a soul level. I wish you all the best.

OMG... Everything you said is so true. I wondered why we couldn't click, emotionally, physically or mentally. This is it. This is the answer I've been looking for. I feel like crying. Ya'll don't know how much ya'll have helped me. Thanks to everyone.

 

[MissYocairis]

OMG... Everything you said is so true. I wondered why we couldn't click, emotionally, physically or mentally. This is it. This is the answer I've been looking for. I feel like crying. Ya'll don't know how much ya'll have helped me. Thanks to everyone.

Mrspatrice....*huggs* Have your cry. Have a good cry. Then, pick up your smit and walk out. You will find peace soon and you will also find someone who is cut from the same cloth as you and it won't be a struggle, it will be natural and he will be your best friend. Trust me. I am speaking from experience. I have finally found my perfect match and the difference between this relationship and my marriage is like night and day. Everything falls into place effortlessly and those things that are challenges for us, well, we just handle them together with sincerity and love for each other and it makes things so much easier. I wish you all the happiness you can handle and then some!

 

[blazingthru]

I know this is not my post or anything but CBC your words are so encouraging. You try to figure what is wrong, How can I fix this thing right here, Why can't he understand what I am doing. Because we just don't click and there is nothing I can do or say about it. I loved my husband and I wanted us to stay together as a family - Never realizing that I could lose my very self in the process. That I will question every decision I make - whereas before I just make the decision and go with it. Thanks for those words. Hopefully it will have an impact on anyone that reads it.

 

[MissYocairis]

I know this is not my post or anything but CBC your words are so encouraging. You try to figure what is wrong, How can I fix this thing right here, Why can't he understand what I am doing. Because we just don't click and there is nothing I can do or say about it. I loved my husband and I wanted us to stay together as a family - Never realizing that I could lose my very self in the process. That I will question every decision I make - whereas before I just make the decision and go with it. Thanks for those words. Hopefully it will have an impact on anyone that reads it.

I'm glad that it helped. I was a walking zombie. A shell of my former self. I was dying and you could tell. And it was all because I was trying to figure out WHY and still find a way to make it work when the answer was plain and simple.

There's just something about the way people are made from conception..you cannot change them into something else. You can only mesh with people of like composition. That's what I believe the expression "EQUALLY YOKED" truly means. It's more than a God-given responsibility....it's more than religion.....it's foundation from birth.....it's being of like-mind at the very core. My husband and I were like night and day in our make-up and we both resented the other for it.

 

[joyous]

My mom says the same thing. She says he is jealous and b/c he knows that I will leave him eventually, he wants me to lose everything before I leave. He fooled me into believing that I could not do this w/out him. I guess I forgot I was doing this before I met him.

As the old folks say, girl LISTEN to your mama, and you can do bad all by yourself. The thing is when you were by yourself you were doing just fine. Now you have this excess baggage trying to bring you down, so you'll end up with nothing. He sounds like a irresponsible fool. Dump him and move on. Unfornutately it may cost you something, but you sound like an enterprising woman and I'm sure you'll fare just fine. Just hire the best attorney you can afford, this deadbeat deserves no more than he came with.

 

[Leigh]

BTW, my ex-husband was the same. But, he hated the idea of me doing ANYTHING progressive. No more school. No freelance writing. NOTHING. Everything I tried to do to improve my repetoire, he criticized it and me. The more requests that came in for me to work with this group or that project, the nastier he became toward me. It was as though he was jealous. Can you IMAGINE being JEALOUS of your mate? WTF? I spent 8 years trying to help him see that my success was his success and trying to figure out what was wrong with him. I wasted a lot of years. Pay attention....PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE. CUT THEM LOOSE IF THEY CANNOT SUPPORT YOUR DREAMS AND GOALS AND YOU. TRUE LOVE IS TO BE LOVED FOR WHO AND WHAT YOU ALREADY ARE!

Well put. ITA

 

[Integrity]

mrs patrice, thinking back do you think he married you for money??

 

[dreysonsmommy2011]

I am neither married or divorced, but i know alot of people that has been through it. Never settle! Alot of marriages that end in divorce could have been avoided if we just take the time to analyze our situations. I say do whatever it takes to make you happy.

 

[AKA-Tude]

Ok, Ladies!

I have had enuff!

I hate to hear about one of us suffering behind a man!!

This isn't to bash ALL men, but more often than not, WE suffer b/c of THEM!

I have been in this place- where you are now.....

Lawd knows it wasn't fun or easy!

But take it from this ole' woman-let me share what I did to protect myself.

Get all of whateva you have in your name OUT- the quick-deed thing in best & quickest- in yo momma, brotha, auntie-cousin-sister's, or WHOSUNEVA's name so he can have NO claim to it!

If there is something in yr name in his possession- all depending on how u wanna roll wit it- get it BACK! If u wanna be nice, offer him a way to pay u back for it. If you feelin' *itchy, REPOSSES IT!! But either way, get it or cash back!

Neva mind the humiliation- all that CRAP is HIS problem, not YOURS! We all make mistakes, esp. in thinking that we can SAVE these wayward souls of men out here. They are messed up cuza dey mommas, & I aint tryin to re-raise what is 'posed to be grown already! You gotta just pick up & move on!

Get all your legal stuff in order so there will be NO surprises. Make sure that if he DOES get foolish enuff to THINK he is entitled to 'husband pay', by the time he has to repay you for all you have done for him, the scale will be at least BALANCED, if not cash in YOUR favor!!

Feel NO shame in getting a divorce! These days, it's like deciding to get a better, newer model of a car (joke)! & der aint nuffin' wrong wit dat!!!

I went thru this- very similar- esp. w/ the financial CRAP- he wound up having to pay me to get out of the house, plus child support, plus b/c I am entitled to 1/2 his retirement, he had to "buy me out' of that! DOLLA- BILL YA'LL!!!

But because I shed 180 lbs of 'sorry assness' in the court, GURL, I aint NEVA felt that GOOD!!!!!

This fool was so 'ignant', he didn't want me to finish college! It would mean (to him) I was smarter than him! Needless to say, I met my new man while taking classes to complete my degree! Finally a brotha tryin' to do sumthin'!

Thru it all, I prayed, but I also knew that when I finally closed the door on the fool, God would open a window! Been married now for 3 years- I look for him in the daytime with a flashlight!!

IT WILL BE ALRIGHT!!!

 

[kiwiny]

After reading your posts...I want to choke him. YOU ARE JUST TO GOOD FOR HIM. Please let us knoe when your leave. I would love to see the look on his face. God Bless!

 

[Blossssom]

I am neither married or divorced, but i know alot of people that has been through it. Never settle! Alot of marriages that end in divorce could have been avoided if we just take the time to analyze our situations. I say do whatever it takes to make you happy.

Maybe we should do a spin-off about people (particularly women) who marry for the wrong reasons.

I knew a co-worker who married the wrong man. She was so DESPERATE to be married by the age of 30 that she married a man who had mental health issues and was only capable of working with children *he wasn't a threat* They met on one of those on-line dating services.

When I met her, I didn't know any of this at the time. They bought a house, I went to the housewarming. Nice home, he was nice. I didn't know he was mental, but I soon discovered something was wrong with the marriage when she showed me his bedroom and then her bedroom.

That was odd, I thought. But maybe some of you married ladies have your own bedroom and your husband his.

Okay, fine. To each his own. I figured it was a variation of the I Love Lucy show with separate beds but when they wanted to "do it", he came in her room or vice versa.

Later on getting to know this woman, she tells me that he teaches guitar lessons to children. They have a $2500 a month mortgage. She was a paralegal and most of her money went to keep them in house and home. He didn't even earn $500 a month. He couldn't even pay the utilities!

He was so mental, he was medicated. She called me one night and told me he actually laughed for the first time in 7 years, and the whole thing was just a disaster. They lost the house and had to leave the state in order to buy anything else.

This woman was so desperate to have the ring that she let this man basically live off of her. They are now divorced (I learned this through another co-worker because she stopped talking to me because of "Mental"), and she lives in an apartment with a roommate.

See what happens when you marry just to show off a ring? Humpf!

But to top it off, remember them sleeping in separate bedrooms and maybe doing a "visitation" every now and again, towards the end our friendship, she told me they had stopped having sex shortly after the marriage!

And even to this day, I wonder why she told anyone any of that. I would have kept that troublesome under my wig for real.

 

[dimpalz]

Hey, I 've just read this thread and I'm wondering how it all turned out. Is there an update???

ETA: I found it =)

 

[Blackbird77]

Yesterday my husband told me that I am materialistic b/c I always want the bills paid on time. He says that I try to keep from losing thing(foreclosures, repos, etc.) because of what people would think. Have you ever heard of anything so foolish. He wanted me to let all of my rental properties go(rentals that are in my name) so that we can just live off of what we make at our jobs. Then when I refused to allow my properties to be foreclosed on he got mad and said I don't respect his opinion. Let me add, when we got married, he had nothing. As a matter of fact, his car was repossessed 1 week after we were married. Then when he gets mad at me he says he feels like he's working to pay my bills (house that we live in, my car, his car, utilities that we both use). I just don't think I can deal with this anylonger. How can you accomplish anything when you're with someone who doesn't want anything. Then when he gets around other people he acts like he's just really got it going on. I just sit silently and listen to his lies. Example, I bought a Lexus a couple of months ago, but he tells people he bought his wife a new Lexus. Whatever, he can't even put a utility bill in his name b/c his credit is so jacked up. I know I should have never married him and yes I did settle. Not only that, but he complains about everything I do. I don't do anything right, I am just so tired of him. I have prayed and asked God to keep me from hating him. I don't even look forward to going home anymore.

Has the man ever heard of something called BAD CREDIT?

ETA: Oh, I guess he does since the 4th line from the bottom says his credit is jacked up.

 

[life_is_great]

Wow, this is really taking me back. Actually I did leave, but I went back. I filed for divorce, had him served and walked away from everything. Things are much different now. He had to agree to certain conditions. We now have seperate checking accounts. No longer is his only job working on the properties, but he does contracting work with a hotel chain and the power company here. He does pretty well, he even makes more than me. I have quick claimed everything I own to my mother(temporarily, until I see how things will go). He is not a beneficiary on anything, life insurance, annutities, nothing. We go to counseling with a therapist and with my pastor and his wife. I thought he married me for money, but things have been really tough lately and he's helped me get through them. Without him, I probaby would have lost everything. I will admit, I am happy, but cautious. I also realized that things could be much worse. I am just trusting God to lead me and I think my husband just needed a wake up call. I am praying for him and our marriage.

 

[Integrity]

amen mspatriceww. i am so happy at what you wrote. i pray this ends up as one of the best marriages. With God all things are possible! Dont give up!!!

 

[life_is_great]

amen mspatriceww. i am so happy at what you wrote. i pray this ends up as one of the best marriages. With God all things are possible! Dont give up!!!

Thanks, I really appreciate what you said. Sometimes God allows things to happen to us for a reason. It has definitely strengthened my walk with God. I did omit some small details previously, I was not the perfect wife either. I did things that I should not have done and I tried to justify my behavior. Now that I am focused on being a Godly wife, my marriage is so much better. It's like I have a new husband.