"I think my boyfriend is gay."

[Detroit2Dallas]

wayminit yall...hhhhhhhooooooooold up...pump ya breaks n lean back

*pulls da newports out da bra....hits da bottom of da pack...pulls one out
lights da newport one hunnit n pours me a tall dayum glass of Ciroc*

i didn't even read da responses, cuz i'm just outdone by da post bcuz a lot of this don't make sense to me.

lemme git dis hea straight. she relocated to be wif him, right? OK. they're suppose to be gettin engaged, not married this year, as per da post, right? just engaged yall.

*puffs, plucks ash n takes a swig of Ciroc*

one day she decides to go thru his c'puta to look at some pics of them t'getha that he had stored on his c'puta, right? uh huh...sho u right. but instead came across a folda wif some gay male porn. boatloads of the stuff right?

dat right der don't make sense. why u goin thru his c'puta to look for pichas of yall? ne'mind....

but here is what got me lost n turned out in dis joint...

he gets dressed in his sunday best, walkin out da house lookin casket sharp, and don't get back in da house til 4 and she thought they was out doin guy stuff. chile puleez.... she knew tawkin bout some he seemed different. gtfohwdatbs

*puffs n plucks*

and then she's afraid that he'll be mad at her for snoopin thru his c'puter so das why she hasn't said anything yet cuz of that, yet she always thought he was ...different.

dayum alluvadat. i wouldn't give a dayum bout him bein mad at me cuz i went thru his c'puter. she left her home, family and friends to be with this man and he betrayed her. plain and simple. what is it that she wants? to see them in the actual act? what? bottom line - he's gay and THEY are living a lie.

i've said this before in several threads to the sistas on this board. yall meet these men, and then all of a sudden, up jump da boogie n move thousands of miles away to be with these men where they have the opportunity to treat yall like garbage. i know it doesn't work like dat for everyone, but right here...case AND point.

*puffs n plucks*

she needs to pack it up, da shows ova n take her hinepots home. go see a dr. get checked out and hope n pray everything turns out for da better.


but i gotta feelin she aint goin no where.

Surely you jest. How can you tell her to throw 4 gay (means happy right?) years away at the blink of an eye?? But what about her talking to him?? They HAVE to have a heart to heart first cause thats how they do it in the movies


Gimme some of that Ciroc! I needed a swig like 3 pages ago

 

[Do_Si_Dos]

wayminit yall...hhhhhhhooooooooold up...pump ya breaks n lean back

*pulls da newports out da bra....hits da bottom of da pack...pulls one out
lights da newport one hunnit n pours me a tall dayum glass of Ciroc*

i didn't even read da responses, cuz i'm just outdone by da post bcuz a lot of this don't make sense to me.

lemme git dis hea straight. she relocated to be wif him, right? OK. they're suppose to be gettin engaged, not married this year, as per da post, right? just engaged yall.

*puffs, plucks ash n takes a swig of Ciroc*

one day she decides to go thru his c'puta to look at some pics of them t'getha that he had stored on his c'puta, right? uh huh...sho u right. but instead came across a folda wif some gay male porn. boatloads of the stuff right?

dat right der don't make sense. why u goin thru his c'puta to look for pichas of yall? ne'mind....

but here is what got me lost n turned out in dis joint...

he gets dressed in his sunday best, walkin out da house lookin casket sharp, and don't get back in da house til 4 and she thought they was out doin guy stuff. chile puleez.... she knew tawkin bout some he seemed different. gtfohwdatbs

*puffs n plucks*

and then she's afraid that he'll be mad at her for snoopin thru his c'puter so das why she hasn't said anything yet cuz of that, yet she always thought he was ...different.

dayum alluvadat. i wouldn't give a dayum bout him bein mad at me cuz i went thru his c'puter. she left her home, family and friends to be with this man and he betrayed her. plain and simple. what is it that she wants? to see them in the actual act? what? bottom line - he's gay and THEY are living a lie.

i've said this before in several threads to the sistas on this board. yall meet these men, and then all of a sudden, up jump da boogie n move thousands of miles away to be with these men where they have the opportunity to treat yall like garbage. i know it doesn't work like dat for everyone, but right here...case AND point.

*puffs n plucks*

she needs to pack it up, da shows ova n take her hinepots home. go see a dr. get checked out and hope n pray everything turns out for da better.


but i gotta feelin she aint goin no where.

Y'all crazy!!!

 

[BeautifulFlower]

Tooo funny. I pray she not dumb enough to stay.

wayminit yall...hhhhhhhooooooooold up...pump ya breaks n lean back

*pulls da newports out da bra....hits da bottom of da pack...pulls one out
lights da newport one hunnit n pours me a tall dayum glass of Ciroc*

i didn't even read da responses, cuz i'm just outdone by da post bcuz a lot of this don't make sense to me.

lemme git dis hea straight. she relocated to be wif him, right? OK. they're suppose to be gettin engaged, not married this year, as per da post, right? just engaged yall.

*puffs, plucks ash n takes a swig of Ciroc*

one day she decides to go thru his c'puta to look at some pics of them t'getha that he had stored on his c'puta, right? uh huh...sho u right. but instead came across a folda wif some gay male porn. boatloads of the stuff right?

dat right der don't make sense. why u goin thru his c'puta to look for pichas of yall? ne'mind....

but here is what got me lost n turned out in dis joint...

he gets dressed in his sunday best, walkin out da house lookin casket sharp, and don't get back in da house til 4 and she thought they was out doin guy stuff. chile puleez.... she knew tawkin bout some he seemed different. gtfohwdatbs

*puffs n plucks*

and then she's afraid that he'll be mad at her for snoopin thru his c'puter so das why she hasn't said anything yet cuz of that, yet she always thought he was ...different.

dayum alluvadat. i wouldn't give a dayum bout him bein mad at me cuz i went thru his c'puter. she left her home, family and friends to be with this man and he betrayed her. plain and simple. what is it that she wants? to see them in the actual act? what? bottom line - he's gay and THEY are living a lie.

i've said this before in several threads to the sistas on this board. yall meet these men, and then all of a sudden, up jump da boogie n move thousands of miles away to be with these men where they have the opportunity to treat yall like garbage. i know it doesn't work like dat for everyone, but right here...case AND point.

*puffs n plucks*

she needs to pack it up, da shows ova n take her hinepots home. go see a dr. get checked out and hope n pray everything turns out for da better.


but i gotta feelin she aint goin no where.

 

[naijamerican]

Surely you jest. How can you tell her to throw 4 gay (means happy right?) years away at the blink of an eye?? But what about her talking to him?? They HAVE to have a heart to heart first cause thats how they do it in the movies


Gimme some of that Ciroc! I needed a swig like 3 pages ago

Look, it's not that people don't agree with the fundamental premise of your post. But there's a way to communicate your opinions in a manner that maintains a semblance of respect for others whose views diverge from your own. I myself felt that your argument had intrinsic merit, but the condescending way you address people and situations that violate your sense of right and wrong is very unfortunate. If you think this is a laughing matter, take your giggles somewhere else.

As for the OP's friend, my heart goes out to her, but if my man donned his Sunday best to hang with his best buddy and was out at all hours of the night, I wouldn't have been able to find gay porn because I would have bounced long before I had the opportunity to look through his computer. It doesn't sit right with me that she turned a blind eye to that. I don't know what a conversation with him will entail but I feel so sorry for her and profoundly disgusted with her fiance for lying to her all these years.

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[Detroit2Dallas]

^^^Exactly...No one is saying stay. Technically, she has already 'physically and mentally' checked out of the relationship. Keep in mind she MOVED and she is LIVING with the guy so its not like she can just up and get a new place. She may very well have no family to stay with on the local area in the interim. Even if she gotta sleep on the couch for a little while, I doubt she's dumb enough to continue to sleep with him. Girl gotta get her ducks in a row...new place, maybe new job, maybe move back to home state. Needless to say, the relationship is already over.

Second, it is VERY easy to be judgmental when its not YOU. Please dont act like YOU would not want to know something. Please dont act you would not be embarrassed that you got hooked up with a gay man. Please dont act like you would not question your judgment because you somehow managed to overlook the signs for 4 years. Sometimes its not so easy to let the world know you failed at yet another relationship. Its pride, its embarrassment, its fear, its rejection, its emotions..that everyone feels and emotions are very powerful to fight.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't act like you've never been so hurt and disillusion that you didn't call up a friend to see if maybe you were tripping. Of course you know its not and this point all you can do is cry and start with plan B.

Oh wait you never had a plan B...plan A was in effect just a few days ago...her plan was marriage...now its figuring out quietly what to do until you can get away from this man. In the meantime, dammit, you want answers. You wanna know "What's the point of being with me when you clearly desire something else?" Sometimes you just want to yell and fight and get angry and 'go bad' because you can and you deserve the right to fight. Nothing will suffice but he!! you wanna know anyone.

We say...why do women stay with abusers, cheaters, etc...we dont get, right? Yet, women do it EVERYDAY. Letting go is hard to do, fear of being alone, fear of failing, and believing the best when there's nothing left to believe.

No one is upset because the obvious decision to make in this situation is stated. Its disheartening when we bring our issues to this board and we get laughed at. No matter how obvious the solution may appear, we all need positive reinforcement and encouragement in the right direction in our time of need.

Tooo funny. I pray she not dumb enough to stay.

SO fake.

Look, it's not that people don't agree with the fundamental premise of your post. But there's a way to communicate your opinions in a manner that maintains a semblance of respect for others whose views diverge from your own. I myself felt that your argument had intrinsic merit, but the condescending way you address people and situations that violate your sense of right and wrong is very unfortunate. If you think this is a laughing matter, take your giggles somewhere else.


Sent from my ADR6300 using Long Hair Care Forum App

 

[Zuleika]

SO fake.

Yall tickle me

 

[Poohbear]

Tooo funny. I pray she not dumb enough to stay.

I'm surprised you said this...Are you sure that you mean it?

SO fake.

My thoughts exactly!

 

[SerenavanderWoodsen]

I think it is really important to check what kind of porn a man looks at. You can find out important things about his sexuality that way.... I have a porn blocker on my laptop but before I put it I did find that my husband had looked at porn a few times and I spied through the history trail, thank goodness there was never anything gay or deviant. I actually think he prefers porn that contains no men at all .

 

[MuseofTroy]

I think it's interesting that if the signs pointed to the fact that he was having an affair with a female, most of you would probably have the same reaction as @NaturalDetroit. The bottom line is that she is a grown woman responsible for her own mental, physical, and spiritual well being. The only thing missing is the big flashing red arrow pointing to a neon pink sign that says her boyfriend GAY. If she stays with this individual then anything that after the fact is her own fault.

This is why some females stay failing. God gave us all some sense...USE IT. He violated their relationship by cheating (the signs are there). What is there to debate? You leave. Go home to your momma or daddy with humility if you have to. I think females who move across country for some random peen is silly in my book. If the person doesn't respect you enough to stay loyal, be honest, or conduct themselves with integrity then your relationship is already ruined.

 

[MuseofTroy]

My honest opinion is that if you are sexually curious then stay out of serious long-term relationship until you figure out what you want out of life. Double dipping or living a fradulent life is ridiculous and will cause harm to others around you.

 

[NaijaTroll]

I'm surprised you said this...Are you sure that you mean it?


My thoughts exactly!

So because some people think she should confront him and have him explain himself, that means that they think she should stay?

How many times have people said that they are not asking for her to stay? so how is it fake?

Keep in mind she has stopped sleeping wth this man. I have a feeling that she hasnt made a move yet cos she might not have enough money or resources to leave..probably getting savings together so she can then confront him and bounce, after all she uprooted her life to get with his, not vice versa.

If she's smart that should be her plan.

 

[Poohbear]

So because some people think she should confront him and have him explain himself, that means that they think she should stay?

How many times have people said that they are not asking for her to stay? so how is it fake?

Keep in mind she has stopped sleeping wth this man. I have a feeling that she hasnt made a move yet cos she might not have enough money or resources to leave..probably getting savings together so she can then confront him and bounce, after all she uprooted her life to get with his, not vice versa.

If she's smart that should be her plan.

No to your first question.

About the post being fake, it's because of the way Beautifulflower said it... "I pray that she's not dumb enough to stay" after she posted about people being judgmental and getting on people who are telling her to pack up and leave immediately.

 

[curlyninjagirl]

No doubt about that, but I would love to see the same advice being given to the straight people who post their stories. Alot more straight people have it then we think. But to say the man is walking death, and other things is mean IMO.

It is mean, you are right, but IMHO, men on the DL seem to be a bit delusional when it comes to the double life they are leading. It's as if, to him, he really isn't doing what he's doing, so how can he catch anything "if it hasn't really happened."

This is why I'm all for gay marriage. If we'd leave the judgement to God, things like this wouldn't happen to women like OP's friend. Lives ruined because homosexuality isn't allowed. Stupid humans. LOL

 

[MrsHouston]

SMDH. Sometimes it's okay to just NOT comment. The rudeness on this board today is friggin ridiculous.
Anyway, I'd say at the very least he's bi. I agree that she needs to get tested and have a talk with the dude. But for me, I don't think there's much he could say that would convince me that he's not leading a double life and that's a problem.

Thank you, so true

 

[SerenavanderWoodsen]

SOS, can we get an update?

 

[song_of_serenity]

I have no update to give, she hasn't spoken to me today. :/ I'd feel kinda weird calling her if she seems to be avoiding me. Especially if it seems like I'm "prying"

We literally spoke to each other every day and suddenly nothing. I guess I could call and see about her but after her one word "fine" response when I messaged her yesterday to see how she was doing and nothing today...well, if she wants to avoid me (I know it's because of this) then I'm going to keep quiet until she wants to talk about it again. I can't just shoot the breeze withe the 800 lb gorilla in the room, it's going to come up...

And yes, she's still listed as "in a relationship" with him. :/

Those wondering about him "keeping it in the open" as if he wanted her to find it... well they both have their own laptops. He had taken some pictures on a camera and uploaded it to his computer but never got around to uploading them to facebook and such. When he went to work, she went to see how they came out so she went and yeah...

I'll post an update when one comes. Thanks for the input on either side. Of course no one wants her to stay with him. As someone said, it's not what you say, it's how you say it and rudeness is unnecessary.

 

[ThatJerseyGirl]

song_of_serenity - I don't think she is avoiding you, in my opinion. A lot of times, when we are going through the storm, we shut down and shut people out so that we can figure out how we are going to maneuver.

With that said, I wouldn't take it personal. When she is ready, she will come to you. She has A LOT on her plate, so I think the last thing on her mind is changing her FB status to "single."

She'll reach out to you. Sooner than you think.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I'm surprised you said this...Are you sure that you mean it?

Girl bang. My first post said that I left someone I thought was DL and she should too...Please. I just to feel the need to be rude to the girl or pretend like she wouldn't want to get some answers.

And oh please...staying would be DUMB. VERY dumb and dangerous but I can tell she's not going to so I am not calling her dumb. I am glad and she is smart because she told someone (OP) to hold her accountable. I have been in the situation before and I know one other women that has. I know what she's going through and I know it would have been very dumb if I stayed.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

SO fake.

Nothing fake about me...But if YOU feel its ok to be rude and nasty and have an attitude...DO YOU BOO.

And yes if she stayed it would be very dumb and I stated it. But she obviously stopped sleeping with him so she know the deal.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

Nothing fake about me...But if YOU feel its ok to be rude and nasty and have an attitude...DO YOU BOO.

And yes if she stayed it would be very dumb and I stated it. But she obviously stopped sleeping with him so she know the deal.

just ssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

[BeautifulFlower]

^^^Right

 

[joytimes10]

I'm gonna recommend a little more 007 tactic. I think SOS's friend needs to try to establish evidence that he is cheating then force him to leave. If she has established a life in the new city and it would cause her financial hardship to put physical distance between them, why should she have to suffer.

If he's a man of any means, I would sue him for pain and suffering too. If a man ever crossed me like this, he would have to account for his deceit and my emotional distress. That's my initial response to calculating deceit and shady behavior from fully functioning, sane people.

 

[song_of_serenity]

@song_of_serenity - I don't think she is avoiding you, in my opinion. A lot of times, when we are going through the storm, we shut down and shut people out so that we can figure out how we are going to maneuver.

With that said, I wouldn't take it personal. When she is ready, she will come to you. She has A LOT on her plate, so I think the last thing on her mind is changing her FB status to "single."

She'll reach out to you. Sooner than you think.

Thank you. I'm not taking it to heart ...I just miss her and know she's hurting and I feel really bad that it's like a walking on eggshells period. Still, I know she's sorting things out in her mind.

I know better than to call anyone's relationship "perfect" but this guy, he treated(treats???) her so well, attentive, loving, hard working...I was SO happy for her like "Finally, an upstanding guy, good looking, faithful..." We'd talk about her soon to be fiance and he was one of the "good guys do exist" types. It just SUCKS so bad that it's THIS. Like a you can't go to therapy and fix your relationship situation. She didn't deserve this, no one does.

Maybe she will this weekend...no work, no distractions...

 

[ambergirl]

OP, your friend needs to take a deep breath, tell her man she found the porn and ask him "When did you realize that you were sexually attracted to other men?" and then hold on for the answer. Not all people's porn preferences reflect what they want to do in real life but there are LOTS of other signs here and he probably is gay or bi.

If she creates a safe space for him to come out then they can talk through it and decide how to unravel the lives they've built together over the last 4 years. If he says he's bi it's her choice whether or not to stay...me I would be out.

Sounds like she's young so she should be able to recoup and at least walk away from this with some dignity. Getting tested is smart whenever you're dealing with a man whose been creeping regardless of whether he's gay or straight.

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

The smartest thing to do is hire a private investigator to follow him on one of his "boys nights out" or any other suspicious activity. This will serve as rock solid undeniable evidence not just to prove infidelity, but to solidify things for her and shake her out of her denial. Plus she'll eliminate that moment of weakness.... "what if" that will inevitably occur when he fabricates some phony excuse.

There was a poster that said something upthread and I agree with her 1000%. Its circumstances like this that are BLATENTLY obvious that make me scared of falling in love.

The most idiotic decisions I've ever seen people make, were usually done because the person was lost in the haze/insanity of love.

Terrifying.

 

[nappystorm]

The smartest thing to do is hire a private investigator to follow him on one of his "boys nights out" or any other suspicious activity. This will serve as rock solid undeniable evidence not just to prove infidelity, but to solidify things for her and shake her out of her denial. Plus she'll eliminate that moment of weakness.... "what if" that will inevitably occur when he fabricates some phony excuse.

There was a poster that said something upthread and I agree with her 1000%. Its circumstances like this that are BLATENTLY obvious that make me scared of falling in love.

The most idiotic decisions I've ever seen people make, were usually done because the person was lost in the haze/insanity of love.

Terrifying.

The smartest thing she can do is get her Tina Turner on
GIFSoup
WTH she needs proof for? See that waiting around for "proof" b.s is why people end up wasting months and years in unhealthy situations only to find out what they have already known all along. I'm very gay friendly but that is some NYG, "how you doing" swag with a rainbow flag ish right there. I can't with some of yall in this thread I would either be at mama's house or the Microtel

 

[BlackMasterPiece]

LOL!

I would definitely say leave yesterday if it were me I'd be outta there faster then you could say fierce....trust but some women take a million years to do the simplest logical thing when they're "in love".

I'm dealing with the same level of foolishness with my cousin right now, her long term BF is a certifiable controlling psycho, she knows it, but her comeback is always, "well you dont know what its like to feel so much emotions and love for a man and be with him 4 yrs"

I'm just like yo if love makes you this dumb idk if I want to partake at all

 

[Urban]

Let's be real here. The girls has ALREADY found gay porn. We all know it's his, filed away, so it didn't land there by accident. Whether he acts it out or not, he does have a thing for other men.... whether he is gay or bisexual, is besides the point.

Is she willing to be in a relationship with a man who has a thing for men? If the answer is no then there is nothing else to consider here. That's who he is. She is not going to change him. No need to look for further evidence, or follow him around. She needs to just move on. Yes, I know, easier said than done. But that's the truth.

If the answer is yes ... errrmm ... I wouldn't have the slightest clue how that would work.

 

[allmundjoi]

The smartest thing to do is hire a private investigator to follow him on one of his "boys nights out" or any other suspicious activity. This will serve as rock solid undeniable evidence not just to prove infidelity, but to solidify things for her and shake her out of her denial. Plus she'll eliminate that moment of weakness.... "what if" that will inevitably occur when he fabricates some phony excuse.

There was a poster that said something upthread and I agree with her 1000%. Its circumstances like this that are BLATENTLY obvious that make me scared of falling in love.

The most idiotic decisions I've ever seen people make, were usually done because the person was lost in the haze/insanity of love.

Terrifying.

Hold on. Wait. He is a living a lie. He may not have even admitted to himself that he is gay. So questioning him may be useless. I am all for closure-a convo before leaving will help this, but no matter what his answer to the 'are you gay' or 'are you sexually attracted to men' question yields-I AM OUT THE DOOR. If he says no to all the 'gay' questions do you stay? If the PI finds no evidence of fornication do you stay? Hecks naw. That gay porn (all the evidence I need and it was free) tells me that he wants something I can't give him-either he's been getting it or will get it from another source. I all for sexual role play, but i draw the line at dressing up like a cowBOY.

And I hear you about fearing to fall in love. I rarely trust someone 100%, esp men. I used to, but working at a Children' s Hospital and volunteering for victim advocacy programs and a womens clinic made me very distrustful. Most victims of abuse are not abused by a stranger, but by a loved and trusted family member. Many of the positive HIV/stds that I have seen in the clinic, were women who were in a 'monogamous' relationship. I refuse to believe that all these women were 'dumb'-knowingly stayed in a relationship where the man was fornicating with other women. In fact, many of them were women who had left their newly discovered cheating SO and wanted to make sure they had not contracted a disease.

Sent from my DROIDX

 

[likewtr4chklit]

Yall tickle me

Yes, immensely!!