"I think my boyfriend is gay."

[BeautifulFlower]

Also I wouldnt be above following him next time he goes out...when he leaves, get a girlfriend (you) to follow him until she can meet up with you. Something to confirm he may be going to gay bars or something.

Look this is her life we're talking about. She needs to know EVERYTHING at this point.

 

[IrrationalThoughts]

Also I wouldnt be above following him next time he goes out...when he leaves, get a girlfriend (you) to follow him until she can meet up with you. Something to confirm he may be going to gay bars or something.

Look this is her life we're talking about. She needs to know EVERYTHING at this point.

I was thinking this, not sure if it is worth the effort. I mean I would ask my ?'s and provide my evidence after I had my new spot squared away. I am not sure she is ever going to feel secure with the answers she gets. She thought he was different before, right? This just makes it worse - IMO.

 

[song_of_serenity]

Thank you for your input everyone. We haven't spoken since my checking in on her tonight but I did ask her (when she told me Saturday) about checking the properties of when the files had been saved but she came running to me in a panic and was just in shock then. They have their own computers and she doesn't usually have access to his but the next time she does I'll ask her to.

I don't know what her action is (staying/not staying) but if he's full on gay (I also don't know how she feels about being with someone who is bi) there is no point. :/

Right now it just seems she has to go about talking to him. They haven't touched intimately since she found out, I know that much and I don't see how she could.

It's so strange, my friend is NOT one to hold her mouth to him when it comes to over-friendly girls (he's respectful but nice about it) and it's weird to see her wilt like this when it comes to another man. But I can see why though.

Again, thanks, all. Will keep everyone updated. I would not wish this on anyone. I have been cheated on before; a woman was involved. But another man? Another man destroys any chance of salvaging or "working through" it when your guy is gay.

 

[chocolat79]

Why is advice funny? This is a real issue in the black community. I think she needs to find out who her man is before she commits her life to him. She needs to make a plan for what she plans on doing if he is indeed interested in men, how she feels about this, and is she going to leave if he is indeed bisexual. She shouldn't just blow up if she hasn't decided how to feel yet.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2

Thanks many times! I think the bolded should be the first step. She has to prepare mentally and emotionally (as much as possible) for the worst-case scenario. She already has that gut feeling and as an outsider, the signs DO point to him being bi at least, which is still gay to me, but anyway, she needs to sort her feelings out either way first, and then confront him.

I'm also with BeautifulFlower about the following him.....I'm not above that when it comes to my health or possibly life/death

 

[allmundjoi]

I don't like how NaturalDetroit put it, put I agree with her-all signs point to leave. Your intuition is one of the most basic 'senses.' He may tell the truth, lie, stall, remain silent-no matter what he says, the OPs friend knows in her gut what is really going on. My Granny says you can't fool the IRS or your gut instinct. Lol. It is so true. For me any conversation I had w/the man would just be the prelude to me walking out the door. There is nothing he could say. 4 years? Pray Gawd it wasn't a marriage and 4 kids.

Sent from my DROIDX

 

[Miss_Luna]

There was a guy who was interested in me once, but I got a "vibe" from him that he may be gay or bi. I asked my friends for advice and one of them told me not to mention the words "gay" or "bi" because of the stigma attached to them. And definitely don't use "DL".

She told me to ask him if he's ever been intimate with another man. That could be anything, kissing, fondling, whatever. I just decided it wasn't worth asking him because if I had to question his sexuality before we started dating then I definitely shouldn't consider dating this man.

I hope your friend finds some closure in her situation. Four years is a long time to dedicate to someone. Even if he denies being gay, your friend will probably never be able to trust him. Then if they get married . That breaks MY heart and she isn't even my friend.

She should get tested ASAP and just confront him. She needs peace of mind.

 

[curlyninjagirl]

This is why love scares the crap out of me. The gay porn on the guy's computer is enough all on it's own, but when you couple it with the nights out with the male friend and the anal thing, YIKES!

I am truly sorry for your friend. I have seen similar situations with the smartest of people faced with clear-cut signs that things are just sooooo wrong with their SO and for whatever reason they just won't/can't leave this person. This all seems a no-brainer when you're single but it can happen to anyone.

 

[ms.mimi]

song_of_serenity you're a good friend and I can tell you want the best for her. We need more women like you. Don't worry too much about her ( I know that's going to be hard) cause she seems like she's on the right track.

The fact that she has stopped sleeping with him tells me that regardless of her acting all upbeat, she's seriously thinking about all of this. You may want to back off just a bit and allow her to process this.

I know you want her packed and be out but this may take a little time. Different people process information at different rates. The fact that she has moved to be with this man and is getting to marry him means she is seriously in love with him. You just can't turn a switch and turn that off.

Just call and tell her you love her, you're there for her, this will be only between the two of you and she can call you anytime she needs to, then leave it at that. Don't keep calling and checking on her. Give her some space. Pressure to do this and can push her away during a time when her world is now upside down.

I can't even imagine having to confront him, break off the engagement, explain to my parents I chose a gay man, then figure out what to say to others, then move, find a job or try to transfer,etc, etc. It's alot and it's OVERWHELMING. Give her some space and time to process all of this. She'll come around before you know it.

 

[nappystorm]

*Comes in, reads OP* Catch y'all in another thread.
GIFSoup

 

[justicefighter1913]

I broke up with someone I thought was bi. We were never intimate and I had no real proof but I thought to myself "If I marry this man, THEN he come out the closet...I'll killin e'rybody". I followed my intuition and I am glad I did. She should too because this is her life and her health on the line.

My advice:
Ask him...How many men have you slept with? Its a direct and clear question. Its bold but if she is sure he is...this is cut all the BS and get to what she needs to know, his orientation.


Don't ask...are you gay? Some men on the down-low do not believe they are gay.

Best advice I've read thus far. Your friend should really confront this issue head on. I mean, yeah she'll feel disappointed at first, but I think that with some of those red flags, she should just go ahead and do it. It will give her peace of mind if anything.

*Side note* I consider myself a pretty liberal and accepting person; however, it's situations like these that make me upset. If the man is gay or bi, he should just be honest about it instead of doing it under your friend's nose. When he's going about things this way, he's taking away her choice in the matter.

 

[Etherealsmile]

She knows she needs to leave him but will she? she might feel she's invested too many years in him to just up and walk away. I hope she knows 4yrs is nothing compared to spending 20+ years married to him, have his children only to find out he's always been gay and is leaving her for another man.

She needs to look at the situation from a long term perspective. I am grateful she found out NOW instead of when they were married and had children.

I hope she knows her life and her health are more important than anything else. Women tend to bend over backwards, sideways and whichever way for men but they don't do that for us, she needs to be upfront with him; ask him bluntly about the porn (although IMO that's more than enough proof, no questions need to be asked)

If i were in her shoes, i don't care how long we've been together if I found out something like this i'm out. My health and sanity are priceless, no man is worth living a lie like she's doing right now

 

[TayMac]

I'm sure she is still in shock but I hope it turns into anger so she will be mad enough to take some action (not violence). Confronting someone is never easy.

Even though the it's a man-man thing..it's the same classic cheating scenario. Your intuition tells you something and you ignore it. You see subtle signs and ignore. You get a BLARING sign and you still give the benefit of the doubt. It's a hard pill for her to swallow I'm sure.

The sooner she knows the truth the sooner she can begin the healing process.

If she wants to really just put it out there. She should leave the images or video up playing for him when he walks into the room with her..say "What's up with this?" and take it from there.

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I'm sure she is still in shock but I hope it turns into anger so she will be mad enough to take some action (not violence). Confronting someone is never easy.

YES to this....alot of times we women get sad and that hinders our ability to take action. We are still trying to believe the best when we really need to look at the facts and call a spade a spade.

We need to get angry and not feel defenseless and hopeless and helpless.

We need to get that thought of "I love you, I love me MORE. And I am not going to let you play me like this."

 

[MD_Lady]

Wow. IMO, the best advice you can give your friend is to follow her gut. Too many people minimize their feelings or rationalize the actions of their SO when they feel slighted or betrayed. Your friend knows what she has/wants to do, she just needs to find the courage to do it.

ETA:

...I don't know what to tell her. She keeps wondering what will happen, how to go about asking him, that he'll get mad that she was looking and accuse her of snooping, what to tell people who ask why they broke up...I told her who CARES, to think of her heath and her life, she needs to talk to him about this...she still hasn't yet...

I dunno what there is to talk about, I think this goes beyond preference of porn and he may be in the life and hiding it... but...well, it's been 3 days and she's suddenly acting upbeat and a-ok and such but she's also been getting down and distant, too. I think she's getting depressed but trying to act like all is ok...

On the blue song_of_serenity. You gave her sound advice (IMO) and the rest is up to her.

 

[gabulldawg]

LOL@ All the dramatic responses, cry me a freakin river. If I ever found myself in this predicament, I wouldnt have to ask for advice lol. Too many of ya'll would rather hold on to a man just to say you got a man. I wouldnt care if the relationship was 50 years old, if ur man is gay he doesnt want you and he's putting your life on the line. Are we all standing around singing we shall over come? Unless you dont mind sharing ur man with Bobby, Robby, Ricky and Mike then LEAVE or u can stay and ask for advice.... Get some self love and self esteem on aisle 3 boo (not u op, ur girl). Instead of asking whats wrong with me, ask whats wrong with a person who has all the signs and hesitates to act....unless u would react the same way...where is jersey girl when you need her?

Are you really not understanding the type of bond that can be created between two people in a long-term committed relationship? erplexed If it's a good relationship it's often hard to forget the person, let alone just pick up and walk away. Low self-esteem or self-worth isn't always the reason why someone has a hard time leaving. OP already said her friend thought he was the one, thought that they were going to get married and have a future together. How do you go from loving someone and planning your future with him to walking away point blank with no discussion or anything? Then let's not forget the denial. You sound like a crazy person. Have you ever been in a long-term (serious/good) relationship?

And to the bolded I seriously hope you don't, at least not on this board, because the "advice" I give will be just as rude and nonsensical as yours.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

Ol boy has gay porn on his computer, gay porn that he wasnt even trying to hide....I would take that as a sign that he isnt THAT concerned with getting caught.

Your friend has possibly wasted 4 years of her young life with this dude and she is beating around the bush?? Its time for her to wake up and demand some answers.

 

[pookaloo83]

Damn.. I feel so bad for your friend OP.

 

[likewtr4chklit]

And in NaturalDetroits defense we have seen threads like this before where obvious signs are there bright red and blinking yet the OP is on some "oh no, omg what should I do??", umm sweety what do YOU think you should do? It almost gets to the point where I cant even allow myself to give real advice for fear of hurting feelings.

But yea laughing at the girl wasnt nice.

 

[Pisceanprincess]

If that man is good to her it will be hard to leave. You need to help her through this. Listen to her and be that shoulder that she will need to cry on. She will definitely need to deal with this asap.

I left a "good" man because I thought he was bi. Like one of the posters said you have to be angry to leave and not go back.

 

[DSP]

OP -- sadly, the only thing you can do for your friend is be a friend -- listen without judgment and comfort her as she processes this situation for herself. She will make moves in her own time and in her own way.

Sometimes that's the hardest part about being a friend -- giving people you care about the space they need to come to their own conclusions (I still struggle with this), but being near enough to help them up when they fall.

 

[Syrah]

I'm confused as to why people are saying to ask him, question him, confront him head on etc. Why are we suggesting she ask him anything? Are we saying there's a possibility that despite all the evidence, she should stay depending on what he says?!??

 

[BeautifulFlower]

I'm confused as to why people are saying to ask him, question him, confront him head on etc. Why are we suggesting she ask him anything? Are we saying there's a possibility that despite all the evidence, she should stay depending on what he says?!??

Honestly I use the information to get mad and stay away.

 

[FlowerHair]

Ol boy has gay porn on his computer, gay porn that he wasnt even trying to hide....I would take that as a sign that he isnt THAT concerned with getting caught.

Your friend has possibly wasted 4 years of her young life with this dude and she is beating around the bush?? Its time for her to wake up and demand some answers.

Yes, it seems like he wanted to get caught.

Perhaps he's been looking for a way out and will be relieved when OP's friend confronts him.

 

[Evolving78]

i would be hurt and angry, but i would have to move on. there is noway i can be with a man that would even have the thought process to go there, plus he isn't being honest with her. i have been there find hundreds of pics/porn (hetero) and it blew my mind, but i think i would go into shock if it were pics/porn of men. there is no coming back from that. we have nothing to discuss. he needs to figure out what he want to do with his life and come to terms with his sexuality. i won't be a part of it as his woman.

 

[Evolving78]

I'm confused as to why people are saying to ask him, question him, confront him head on etc. Why are we suggesting she ask him anything? Are we saying there's a possibility that despite all the evidence, she should stay depending on what he says?!??

there is nothing to talk about. this relationship would be pretty much over. he would come home and find me gone.

i can't....

 

[Evolving78]

Are you really not understanding the type of bond that can be created between two people in a long-term committed relationship? erplexed If it's a good relationship it's often hard to forget the person, let alone just pick up and walk away. Low self-esteem or self-worth isn't always the reason why someone has a hard time leaving. OP already said her friend thought he was the one, thought that they were going to get married and have a future together. How do you go from loving someone and planning your future with him to walking away point blank with no discussion or anything? Then let's not forget the denial. You sound like a crazy person. Have you ever been in a long-term (serious/good) relationship?

And to the bolded I seriously hope you don't, at least not on this board, because the "advice" I give will be just as rude and nonsensical as yours.

come on now.... the OP's friend can't compete with this. clearly she is not the one for this man. and i mean if he or she was the one, he would have been man enough to tell her from jump that he was bi/gay. he lied to her. Big Time! he his living a double life. she can't even trust this man when he goes out with friends now. everybody is suspect. he is embarrassing her with his lies and selfishness. i am getting angry just thinking about it. he has no respect for her. how can he be the one and he doesn't even trust her enough to tell the truth. he didn't give her a chance to see if this would be something she could be down with. he took that from her. i feel so bad for her and i feel so much shame for him. he wasted her life with his lies.

love has nothing to do with this, because love was never here.

 

[*CherryPie*]

His "thing" was possibly in a man's booty...or a man's "thing" was in his booty... that is all I would have to consider to make me leave. Just imagining that, I could never have sex with him again.

Putting aside the possibility of him being gay, him possibly cheating should be dealt with, whether he's gay or not. The cheating should be the biggest part of this, no matter if it's a man or woman he's hanging with.

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

I see we have a sensitive sally in this thread. Keep going hard for this "commited relationship". He's commited to gay porn and men and she commited to him. I know I'm not the only one giving your posts a side eye. From the sounds of it, looks like your one of those women who would work it out because its "hard to throw away a commited happy relationship". Gotcha.




Some women love going lingerie shopping with their men, but most women want to be the only ones wearing the silk teddy...

 

[Detroit2Dallas]

come on now.... the OP's friend can't compete with this. clearly she is not the one for this man. and i mean if he or she was the one, he would have been man enough to tell her from jump that he was bi/gay. he lied to her. Big Time! he his living a double life. she can't even trust this man when he goes out with friends now. everybody is suspect. he is embarrassing her with his lies and selfishness. i am getting angry just thinking about it. he has no respect for her. how can he be the one and he doesn't even trust her enough to tell the truth. he didn't give her a chance to see if this would be something she could be down with. he took that from her. i feel so bad for her and i feel so much shame for him. he wasted her life with his lies.

love has nothing to do with this, because love was never here.

And thats the thing. what committed loving relationship? what is going on with women where they have to even second guess this mess or try to work it out. is it that important to be in a relationship that u dont value urself? thats where the self love and low self esteem comes into play. leave that man to himself, worry about you, you you. and folks in here talking about talk to him...about what? smh and still laughing, but in a sad way trying to wonder what is happening to black women... society and the lies put out about black women ( not attractive, never be married, manly etc) must be really taking effect on some of us to make women compromise themselves in these situations.

 

[gabulldawg]

come on now.... the OP's friend can't compete with this. clearly she is not the one for this man. and i mean if he or she was the one, he would have been man enough to tell her from jump that he was bi/gay. he lied to her. Big Time! he his living a double life. she can't even trust this man when he goes out with friends now. everybody is suspect. he is embarrassing her with his lies and selfishness. i am getting angry just thinking about it. he has no respect for her. how can he be the one and he doesn't even trust her enough to tell the truth. he didn't give her a chance to see if this would be something she could be down with. he took that from her. i feel so bad for her and i feel so much shame for him. he wasted her life with his lies.

love has nothing to do with this, because love was never here.

Why she feels he was the one is up to her. I thought that's what the OP said. If she did in fact love him and think he was the one it will hard for her to decide what to do. I agree that what he's doing is beyond wrong. I hope that she is able to walk away, but just because that would be my choice doesn't mean it would be her choice.

I see we have a sensitive sally in this thread. Keep going hard for this "commited relationship". He's commited to gay porn and men and she commited to him. I know I'm not the only one giving your posts a side eye. From the sounds of it, looks like your one of those women who would work it out because its "hard to throw away a commited happy relationship". Gotcha.




Some women love going lingerie shopping with their men, but most women want to be the only ones wearing the silk teddy...

Ain't no sensitive sally here, if you were referring to me. Side eye my posts all you want, because I surely side eyed yours. I do believe that it is a hard choice for her friend to have to make, even though her guy is most likely gay. It's still going to be hard for her to leave. All feelings she had for this guy aren't going to immediately evaporate just because she discovered he's gay. I don't get it.