I Married Him...But I Love Him (another Him)

[cocoberry10]

Hey Ladies:

I was wondering if any of you (or anyone you know) has been in this situation.

Marrying a good man, that you know will love, honor, cherish and take care of you, but really knowing that you were "in love" with someone else.

How did you come to this decision? Do you still think about the other person? I always wonder about these situations, b/c I know they happen

I have a friend who I think was kind of in this situation. The man she really loved was a commitment phobe and he was never going to marry her. She is now going to marry a great man. I think she loves him, but I feel like she still loves the other guy, even though she knows they can never be together. I wonder what this feels like, and I would imagine it's painful!

 

[bluefolli]

Nope, never experienced that.

I do know of some ladies who have done this...marry a man and know full well they wanted to be with someone else. They marry the man who can give them more in a tangible sense, finances, etc. but either still mess around with their old flame or live in a marriage very unhappily. In the words of Wendy Williams, your friend sounds like a donkey. Sorry, but she needs to wake up and realize that many lives can be destroyed by playing these high school games. The divorce is what will be painful. I feel sorry for the fiance'.

Just my opinion...

 

[Ms Red]

I agree. It really takes some soul-searching to determine if she is "in love" with the other man or just in love with the 'thought' of them together. Because obviously this other guy cannot love her like her fiance can because he can't even commit!

She needs to stop having this love affair in her head (and yes, it sounds like it's all in her head) and either fully commit to her husband-to-be, heart and soul...or do him a favor and call off the wedding. Let him find his true soulmate...JMHO.

Nope, never experienced that.

I do know of some ladies who have done this...marry a man and know full well they wanted to be with someone else. They marry the man who can give them more in a tangible sense, finances, etc. but either still mess around with their old flame or live in a marriage very unhappily. In the words of Wendy Williams, your friend is a donkey. Sorry, but she needs to wake up and realize that many lives can be destroyed by playing these high school games. The divorce is what will be painful. I feel sorry for the fiance'.

Just my opinion...

 

[cocoberry10]

Nope, never experienced that.

I do know of some ladies who have done this...marry a man and know full well they wanted to be with someone else. They marry the man who can give them more in a tangible sense, finances, etc. but either still mess around with their old flame or live in a marriage very unhappily. In the words of Wendy Williams, your friend sounds like a donkey. Sorry, but she needs to wake up and realize that many lives can be destroyed by playing these high school games. The divorce is what will be painful. I feel sorry for the fiance'.

Just my opinion...

I agree with this. I was putting the question out there, both to see if women had gone through it and also to know that the advice I gave was good (and it was). I told her that she is shortchanging herself, but more importantly, she is shortchanging a good man. He deserves someone that really loves him (he's a great guy, the kind most Black women would want). I think she's letting fear rule her. And even though I think she and the guy she really loves won't ever be together, I do think she needs to heal and then be open to love again.

 

[SvelteVelvet]

I agree with Cupcake.

I think women who find themselves in this situation have an infatuation with whatever is unattainable, getting caught up in the fantasy of turning a ho into a husband. I think the love for the 'one that got away' or the 'one who wouldn't commit' is a self-destructive emotion. How "in love" can you be with someone who is incapable of being devoted and faithful to you?

I think the decision to get married if you plan to have a successful marriage should between two people who are in the same place equally emotionally, mentally, and physically regarding the decision to marry each other. You shouldn't marry a man simply because he's a man that will marry you. If he holds all of the qualities you need in the first place you should be fulfilled, therefore capable of being loyal EVEN in your mind.

I could have love for a man emotionally, lust for him physically, but if he hasn't been built for the role of being a husband, I'm going to accept that and move on COMPLETELY, being that it's more important for me to be a wife and raise a family under a spiritual and contractual union of marriage than it is to live a life where I can see and make love to this man and give him what HE wants, while MY life goals and wants aren't being fulfilled. That wouldn't be happiness for me. I don't even want to be in a pre-marital relationship with someone I'm not equally yoked with, once I see it's not going to coincide with my life plans, I'm out. NO REGRETS.

I would love and APPRECIATE a man MORE who is fit to be my husband (mentally, emotionally, physically) because he provides the fulfillment of that particular happiness. I would most DEFINATELY love him more because he is capable of being and showing in a grean way that he is willing to match my devotion and faithfulness to him. I love who I can trust. I have ZERO love for someone I can't, let alone be 'In love' with someone I can't. I process my love through my heart and mind and it grows and sustains itself through reciprocation from the other person. If the reciprocation dies, so does my love. I will never for the life of me understand one-sided love. My only conclusion is these women don't know what love is, or their love is blind AND stupid.

These women need to start asking themselves what they really want and what's REALLY more important to them before taking plunges like this. It's beyond irresponsible and DUMB, and they are the only ones to blame for their discontent and they deserve every bit of the 'I married this man..but I'm in love with this one' saga they've put themselves through.

 

[cocoberry10]

I couldn't agree with this more!

I agree with Cupcake.

I think women who find themselves in this situation have an infatuation with whatever is unattainable, getting caught up in the fantasy of turning a ho into a husband. I think the love for the 'one that got away' or the 'one who wouldn't commit' is a self-destructive emotion. How "in love" can you be with someone who is incapable of being devoted and faithful to you?

I think the decision to get married if you plan to have a successful marriage should between two people who are in the same place equally emotionally, mentally, and physically regarding the decision to marry each other. You shouldn't marry a man simply because he's a man that will marry you. If he holds all of the qualities you need in the first place you should be fulfilled, therefore capable of being loyal EVEN in your mind.

I could have love for a man emotionally, lust for him physically, but if he hasn't been built for the role of being a husband, I'm going to accept that and move on COMPLETELY, being that it's more important for me to be a wife and raise a family under a spiritual and contractual union of marriage than it is to live a life where I can see and make love to this man and give him what HE wants, while MY life goals and wants aren't being fulfilled. That wouldn't be happiness for me. I don't even want to be in a pre-marital relationship with someone I'm not equally yoked with, once I see it's not going to coincide with my life plans, I'm out. NO REGRETS.

I would love and APPRECIATE a man MORE who is fit to be my husband (mentally, emotionally, physically) because he provides the fulfillment of that particular happiness. I would most DEFINATELY love him more because he is capable of being and showing in a grean way that he is willing to match my devotion and faithfulness to him. I love who I can trust. I have ZERO love for someone I can't, let alone be 'In love' with someone I can't. I process my love through my heart and mind and it grows and sustains itself through reciprocation from the other person. If the reciprocation dies, so does my love. I will never for the life of me understand one-sided love. My only conclusion is these women don't know what love is, or their love is blind AND stupid.

These women need to start asking themselves what they really want and what's REALLY more important to them before taking plunges like this. It's beyond irresponsible and DUMB, and they are the only ones to blame for their discontent and they deserve every bit of the 'I married this man..but I'm in love with this one' saga they've put themselves through.

 

[Farida]

The question is, does she love the man she is marrying? We are human and you can always love more than one person.

Love isn't all it takes to build a marriage. But it is sure hard to build one when it doesn't exist.

so, does she love the man she is marrying?

I know people may not agree with what I'm about to say but I believe love is more of a choice than we chalk it up to be. What do you think happens to couples who were madly in love and then they "grow apart" without affairs or ugliness etc? They stopped choosing to stay in love, they stopped nurturing the feeling, feeding the desire, and it died.

So, your friend, has chosen to continue feeding and nurturing the desire for this other guy, and if things are as you say they are you should tell her to reconsider. There's no use destroying a good man like she is about to.

 

[winterinatl]

Hey Ladies:

I was wondering if any of you (or anyone you know) has been in this situation.

Marrying a good man, that you know will love, honor, cherish and take care of you, but really knowing that you were "in love" with someone else.

How did you come to this decision? Do you still think about the other person? I always wonder about these situations, b/c I know they happen

I have a friend who I think was kind of in this situation. The man she really loved was a commitment phobe and he was never going to marry her. She is now going to marry a great man. I think she loves him, but I feel like she still loves the other guy, even though she knows they can never be together. I wonder what this feels like, and I would imagine it's painful!

To me "in love" and "love" are two things, but not mutally exclusive. I left someone I was with for a long time, that I loved very deeply, and was in love with at the time of our breakup. I have begun other relationships, but it has always had that "not quite the same" feeling.

And it shouldn't be the same. He was not the man I want to marry and raise children with. The love I have for him was born as a rising adult; now I am a full adult. My love for the RIGHT MAN will be much more mature. It won't need to contain all those "exciting" ups and downs that came with that other relationship.

I think it is fine and perfectly normal to keep feelings for someone from the past. She is honest about the fact she wouldn't have married him, but she loves her husband. Two different people, two different loves. As long as her love for her ex doesn't jeopardize or interfere with her marriage, I think she is fine.

 

[winterinatl]

The question is, does she love the man she is marrying? We are human and you can always love more than one person.

Love isn't all it takes to build a marriage. But it is sure hard to build one when it doesn't exist.

so, does she love the man she is marrying?

I know people may not agree with what I'm about to say but I believe love is more of a choice than we chalk it up to be. What do you think happens to couples who were madly in love and then they "grow apart" without affairs or ugliness etc? They stopped choosing to stay in love, they stopped nurturing the feeling, feeding the desire, and it died.

So, your friend, has chosen to continue feeding and nurturing the desire for this other guy, and if things are as you say they are you should tell her to reconsider. There's no use destroying a good man like she is about to.

I totally, totally agree with you.

I guess I read OP post as saying she expressed to OP she still had feelings for the ex, but loved her current man and wanted to get married, and also knew her ex couldn't provide that. I don't see anything wrong with this.

And I will say: even if she DOESN'T think she loves her husband, but is willing to be faithful to him and loving in general, and be a good wife and mother (sucking it up, in essence, and be happy with the good hand she has been dealt) I honestly don't see what is wrong with that either.

 

[Princess4real]

To me "in love" and "love" are two things, but not mutally exclusive. I left someone I was with for a long time, that I loved very deeply, and was in love with at the time of our breakup. I have begun other relationships, but it has always had that "not quite the same" feeling.

And it shouldn't be the same. He was not the man I want to marry and raise children with. The love I have for him was born as a rising adult; now I am a full adult. My love for the RIGHT MAN will be much more mature. It won't need to contain all those "exciting" ups and downs that came with that other relationship.

I think it is fine and perfectly normal to keep feelings for someone from the past. She is honest about the fact she wouldn't have married him, but she loves her husband. Two different people, two different loves. As long as her love for her ex doesn't jeopardize or interfere with her marriage, I think she is fine.

I with agree with your whole post!

 

[Princess4real]

To me "in love" and "love" are two things, but not mutally exclusive. I left someone I was with for a long time, that I loved very deeply, and was in love with at the time of our breakup. I have begun other relationships, but it has always had that "not quite the same" feeling.

And it shouldn't be the same. He was not the man I want to marry and raise children with. The love I have for him was born as a rising adult; now I am a full adult. My love for the RIGHT MAN will be much more mature. It won't need to contain all those "exciting" ups and downs that came with that other relationship.

I think it is fine and perfectly normal to keep feelings for someone from the past. She is honest about the fact she wouldn't have married him, but she loves her husband. Two different people, two different loves. As long as her love for her ex doesn't jeopardize or interfere with her marriage, I think she is fine.

I with agree with your whole post!

 

[dlewis]

Coco you come up with the best threads.

 

[patient1]

i agree with Winter as well.

sounds like your friend is making a decision that is not based solely on emotions.

makes me think of my mom. when she married my father she loved him and knew he would be a good provider and father. she realized that if she didn't marry him someone else would but she wasn't madly in love.

that doesn't make her a bad person. for the duration of my parents' marriage my mother was a good mother and a loyal mate. my father was in fact a good provider. the marriage ended for reasons outside of emotions.

when we think globally, being in love is not often at the heart of marriages while love, devotion, and mutual respect are.

my sister married an excellent provider but in the midst of their engagement she met what she had always dreamed of: an educated, attractive Black man who saw her beauty (dark skin, full lips, short natural hair) and shared her interests. it was tempting, but she stuck with what she had: an educated White man who saw her beauty but with different interests. He was aware that this other option had come into her life and how they dealt with this other man was highly evolved.

i just respect folks' choices and keep it moving. there's not much you can say to change someone's heart and mind.

p1

 

[winterinatl]

i agree with Winter as well.

sounds like your friend is making a decision that is not based solely on emotions.

makes me think of my mom. when she married my father she loved him and knew he would be a good provider and father. she realized that if she didn't marry him someone else would but she wasn't madly in love.

that doesn't make her a bad person. for the duration of my parents' marriage my mother was a good mother and a loyal mate. my father was in fact a good provider. the marriage ended for reasons outside of emotions.

when we think globally, being in love is not often at the heart of marriages while love, devotion, and mutual respect are.

my sister married an excellent provider but in the midst of their engagement she met what she had always dreamed of: an educated, attractive Black man who saw her beauty (dark skin, full lips, short natural hair) and shared her interests. it was tempting, but she stuck with what she had: an educated White man who saw her beauty but with different interests. He was aware that this other option had come into her life and how they dealt with this other man was highly evolved.

i just respect folks' choices and keep it moving. there's not much you can say to change someone's heart and mind.

p1

@ the bolded: That sounds so intriguing. Can you share more?

And OT but your avi is so lovely!

 

[a_ caribbean_dream]

While I am not married and still very young, I fear this happening to me in the future.

I broke with my first love about a year ago for few minor reasons one of them being bad communication. We grew up together and he is geniunely a good guy which is hard to find these days. I am dating again and I all I seem to be running into are JERKS!

My fear is that I will marry my first oh so reliable caring wonderful love and cheat on him with someone that is just more attractive than he is or spend the whole marriage unsatisfied and secretly desiring any other guy. Or that I will find someone else and some other woman will reap the joys and benefits of being his woman. I know.... I am one confused and greedy chick.

 

[Farida]

No matter what happens. No matter who you marry, there is always room for you to be attracted/in love with someone else. That's why you've got to be wise about what friendships you keep and situations you get yourself in when you are married. Especially when you hit a rough spot. I don't believe in "the one." I believe there are several people out there for each one of us and we marry the one we met at the right time and place.

 

[patient1]

@ the bolded: That sounds so intriguing. Can you share more?

**To avoid the Squad dissecting my sister, I'll just say that he didn't marry her until she knew for sure where she wanted to be. He wasn't afraid of losing her to another. I
And OT but your avi is so lovely!
***You think so? I was JUST looking at it like, What in the hayale is going on in that pic and mentally selecting another. Thanks!~

..............

 

[SvelteVelvet]

I know people may not agree with what I'm about to say but I believe love is more of a choice than we chalk it up to be. What do you think happens to couples who were madly in love and then they "grow apart" without affairs or ugliness etc? They stopped choosing to stay in love, they stopped nurturing the feeling, feeding the desire, and it died.

I've ALWAYS believed this! I had a friend who used to think something was wrong with me when I'd say I could turn my love off like a faucet, if the man isn't fit to be in a committed relationship with, I could have fun with him but I'm not going to make something out of nothing, pretty much and even if I did 'love' him, I'd have no problems moving on he's not the only man in the world. We were all young, late teens, she was a few older so she treated me like I had no clue about love like "that's not true, you can't just do that" Why not? She's the same one who endured and is still enduring over a decade, a man who'd cheat on her constantly, hard proof evidence, girls coming up to her and telling her they've been with him and he also carried on another long term relationship while getting her pregnant numerous times. Yeah, I would have CHOSEN to stop loving that negro a looong time ago. Emotion without thought is dangerous.

And OF COURSE you can 'care' about someone from your past, even if they did you dirty, you might still be able to see those qualities that drew you to that person in the first place. Reflect on fond memories, etc. But for me, no man who couldn't commit to me is going to infiltrate my thoughts in a way that I'd even put him in a sentence with my husband regarding THAT level of love.

 

[cocoberry10]

I comptely agree with this, even the part you said is controversial. I think initially love is a feeling, but I think ultimately it is a choice!

The question is, does she love the man she is marrying? We are human and you can always love more than one person.

Love isn't all it takes to build a marriage. But it is sure hard to build one when it doesn't exist.

so, does she love the man she is marrying?

I know people may not agree with what I'm about to say but I believe love is more of a choice than we chalk it up to be. What do you think happens to couples who were madly in love and then they "grow apart" without affairs or ugliness etc? They stopped choosing to stay in love, they stopped nurturing the feeling, feeding the desire, and it died.
So, your friend, has chosen to continue feeding and nurturing the desire for this other guy, and if things are as you say they are you should tell her to reconsider. There's no use destroying a good man like she is about to.

 

[cocoberry10]

Coco you come up with the best threads.

Thanks Dlewis

 

[cocoberry10]

To me "in love" and "love" are two things, but not mutally exclusive. I left someone I was with for a long time, that I loved very deeply, and was in love with at the time of our breakup. I have begun other relationships, but it has always had that "not quite the same" feeling.

And it shouldn't be the same. He was not the man I want to marry and raise children with. The love I have for him was born as a rising adult; now I am a full adult. My love for the RIGHT MAN will be much more mature. It won't need to contain all those "exciting" ups and downs that came with that other relationship.

I think it is fine and perfectly normal to keep feelings for someone from the past. She is honest about the fact she wouldn't have married him, but she loves her husband. Two different people, two different loves. As long as her love for her ex doesn't jeopardize or interfere with her marriage, I think she is fine.

I agree with this, but I do fear that she is shortchanging herself. I know that we may not be madly in love with the person we marry and love can grow. But, we can also hurt a really good person. And I think that she feels like she should love this guy, but I'm not sure if she does (I'm not "in her head")

 

[cocoberry10]

I agree with everything you said, especially the bolded, this is why I don't believe in "soulmates." I definitely think that this is good advice to give her. I think she is in a fantasy of what it would be like if the other guy would marry her.

No matter what happens. No matter who you marry, there is always room for you to be attracted/in love with someone else. That's why you've got to be wise about what friendships you keep and situations you get yourself in when you are married. Especially when you hit a rough spot. I don't believe in "the one." I believe there are several people out there for each one of us and we marry the one we met at the right time and place.

 

[caribeandiva]

Don't do it. she'll always love the other guy more so it's not fair to the fiance. Her happiness is on the line here. Marriage is expensive but divorce is even more so.

 

[cocoberry10]

Don't do it. she'll always love the other guy more so it's not fair to the fiance. Her happiness is on the line here. Marriage is expensive but divorce is even more so.

I totally understand what you are saying. I do worry for him that he will never feel her love completely. It's unfortunate that she doesn't love him like she should, he's a great guy and he really loves her! I hope things change.

 

[cocoberry10]

I totally understand what you are saying. I do worry for him that he will never feel her love completely. It's unfortunate that she doesn't love him like she should, he's a great guy and he really loves her! I hope things change.

Bumping this. She’s married now, and I am keeping them in my prayers. I do believe she can grow to have a good marriage/relationship with him. I pray for this. He really does love her!

 

[cocoberry10]

Bumping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because of another thread.