LisaLisa1908
What 40 looks like.
Define "in love."
Marriage isn't about being "in love." It's about being "in compatibility."
Marriage isn't about being "in love." It's about being "in compatibility."
You love him but you aren't sure you are in love. Would you still marry him?
- Thread starter locabouthair
- Start date
No!
I've been with people because they were good people. Because I liked them and hoped those feelings would grow. But the problem was I didn't love them. I didn't care enough about them, and it was wrong to do it.
Everyone encouraged me to be with them, because I "needed" someone. Apparently, I'm broken unless I'm in some sort of relationship. They would find me good men, and encourage me to be with "so and so", because I seemed lonely.
Me being the obedient girl, hooked up with these guys. I wanted to feel wanted and less inadequate. I liked them, and I hoped that this was "love." But it wasn't.
It always felt more like a chore. After the novelty of having a guy wore off, I found that I was with a good man that I really liked like a friend. A man deserves more than to be endured. They deserve to be wanted fully and lovingly.
When I finally did fall for someone, it knocked me for a loop! I had no idea that I could feel so strongly for someone, and those feelings could endure distance, time, and situations. It surprised me how much I wanted compromise to be with him, and thankfully he was eager to do the same. After that, I promised myself never to be with anyone that I couldn't love. I wasn't going to string along someone with real feelings for me. They deserve better.
This is why I never say that I'm going to get married to a good man. There are plenty of good men that I have no attraction to or won't be able to really love. I've cared about these guys but in the end I just didn't love them. So protect them and myself, I'm going to marry a good man that I love. And that man has to love me as much in return. Otherwise I will leave him and break his heart someday.
People talk about marriage like a contract sometimes. That sort of thinking makes me want to avoid it all together. I don't need to marry anyone. It's not a requirement to make my life worth living. Marriage is totally optional! So if I have to take the plunge, only someone I love is worth my time. (And is a good stable man, of course!) I can give myself nearly everything I can get from a man, except on thing. And that's love.
I've been with people because they were good people. Because I liked them and hoped those feelings would grow. But the problem was I didn't love them. I didn't care enough about them, and it was wrong to do it.
Everyone encouraged me to be with them, because I "needed" someone. Apparently, I'm broken unless I'm in some sort of relationship. They would find me good men, and encourage me to be with "so and so", because I seemed lonely.
Me being the obedient girl, hooked up with these guys. I wanted to feel wanted and less inadequate. I liked them, and I hoped that this was "love." But it wasn't.It always felt more like a chore. After the novelty of having a guy wore off, I found that I was with a good man that I really liked like a friend. A man deserves more than to be endured. They deserve to be wanted fully and lovingly.
When I finally did fall for someone, it knocked me for a loop! I had no idea that I could feel so strongly for someone, and those feelings could endure distance, time, and situations. It surprised me how much I wanted compromise to be with him, and thankfully he was eager to do the same. After that, I promised myself never to be with anyone that I couldn't love. I wasn't going to string along someone with real feelings for me. They deserve better.
This is why I never say that I'm going to get married to a good man. There are plenty of good men that I have no attraction to or won't be able to really love. I've cared about these guys but in the end I just didn't love them. So protect them and myself, I'm going to marry a good man that I love. And that man has to love me as much in return. Otherwise I will leave him and break his heart someday.
People talk about marriage like a contract sometimes. That sort of thinking makes me want to avoid it all together. I don't need to marry anyone. It's not a requirement to make my life worth living. Marriage is totally optional! So if I have to take the plunge, only someone I love is worth my time. (And is a good stable man, of course!) I can give myself nearly everything I can get from a man, except on thing. And that's love.
Last edited:
locabouthair
Well-Known Member
IA!
I agree. I dont think I posted my thoughts clearly in the thread. I know that love is not the only thing that will keep a marriage together. But if love was absent and everything else was there (like the qualities you mentioned) would you still marry the person? That was really my question.
Divine Inspiration
Well-Known Member
Haven't read all the replies, forgive any repetition.
I think that during courtship, there should be butterflies and the feeling of being in love at some point. However, I don't think this should be criteria for marriage. Loving that person, sharing values, and his ability to be a wonderful life partner are far more important.
Over the course of a serious long term relationship or marriage, you fall in love with your partner many times. You don't always feel the butterflies and sometimes you want to keep the trash and throw him out, but LOVE will sustain your marriage beyond the daily annoyances and petty differences.
JMHO
I think that during courtship, there should be butterflies and the feeling of being in love at some point. However, I don't think this should be criteria for marriage. Loving that person, sharing values, and his ability to be a wonderful life partner are far more important.
Over the course of a serious long term relationship or marriage, you fall in love with your partner many times. You don't always feel the butterflies and sometimes you want to keep the trash and throw him out, but LOVE will sustain your marriage beyond the daily annoyances and petty differences.
JMHO
that was me. everything else was there. it was absolutely wonderful. we were best friends. still are..but i loved him like an uncle or brother. not in a romantic way. He knew. After 11 years if it aint there it ain't. everything everyone is sayin in this thread has been said and done 50 times over in my situation..lol. i know what a marriage is about and what it takes, but if i ain't attracted to you and don't want u like that (after 11 years of forcing myself)then i can't be with you.
I give kudos to the women in arranged marriages and that whole business partnership thing, blah blah. I can't do it and will not do it again. I will listen to ME instead of listening to what others think is right in MY situation.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Don't give up. Married 23 years and still very much in love, and yes I still get butterflies. Not every single day or moment, but often, often enough. We hold hands, kiss often, love going out on dates together. I adore him. He's my honey. I cannot imagine being with anyone but him. Who wants to date or marry their brother?! I can't even imagine being with someone if I didn't have strong romantic feelings for them and vice versa. What you are craving is normal and shame on anyone for even encouraging you to stick it out. I pray you get everything you want one day: love, romance, compatibility, friendship, everything.
nikolite
Well-Known Member
Its all the romance movies. They don't mean anything and they don't happen in real life much at all. Butterflies is an extreme passion/infatuation stage that doesn't mean love at all. It means sexual excitement most likely or some sort of thrill (which typically comes with drama).
Love is different. Its about sacrifice and giving. Its not about "does this man make sparks shoot out of my a**" all the time. After a long period, we also have to be the ones to ensure that the sparks are there, instead of just giving up and saying he just ain't doing it for me. I think romantic love can be developed, as it seems to in arranged marriages sometimes. These are examples why guys are always moaning about if you treat a woman good and decent and are a "nice guy," you get left. And some guys use these as excuses to be a**holes to women.
I had a thrill and excitement phase but it definitely wasn't butterflies. My husband and I were first best friends who did everything together platonically, but then developed deeper feelings. He was fun, funny in a very unique way, sweet with a huge heart, and I loved how he was there for me more than any other friend. He wasn't casanova, so no, I never felt the shivers, but I felt warmth and joy and security. And I still do (even though its mixed with periods of disdain, frustration, boredom or just contentment.)
I guess, those were MY type of butterflies. Maybe people have different ones, but I think it will be much harder to get and stay married if your version is based purely on sexual impulses that trigger physiological responses.
nikolite
Well-Known Member
I think this is really important. People have different definitions of love and I think some people may be prone to feeling it more easier than others too. But love is more malleable than people think. A person can control/influence their feelings with their thoughts if they want to.
IMO, if you don't dislike someone, you don't hate them and/or you aren't repulsed by them, you can love them and most of that is up to you, not them. You either love someone for who they are or you don't because you never liked them very much as a person in the first place.
I think in any other case, its usually just a matter of someone allowing themselves to fall out of love with someone. I know some say that they never loved someone in the first place, but it seems most times people just say that in retrospect, after the fact. They very well did think they were in love (thus they were) but they just slowly let it die over time and then started to tell themselves that nothing was ever there. There were times where I was so mad at my husband I entertained the same thoughts. In most cases, the other person contributed to that too--men very easily fall into a comfort zone where they cease to romance and maintain the marriage, and thus the love falters.
I don't think a woman deserves to continue in this situation if it gets so bad that marriage becomes dull and draining and the love clearly subsides, but she should acknowledge that that may have been what happened and that she had some control over it. In reality, she did kind of give up on the marriage and break the vows (but I think that's okay if she sincerely tried to rekindle the love through counseling and whatnot and it was just too late). Its just terribly sad for the man involved if he was trying too.
ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
Love you and missed you girl!
metro_qt
Well-Known Member
I just say to everyone, including lady in hypothetical situation:
Know yourself, and know your butterflies.
I know what my version of the butterflies consists of.
Usually it happens when i first begin dating a man... but, the mind is a powerful thing, and it HAS happened to men that I previously wasn't interested in before... (i call those men/butterfly situations the 'creepers'... cuz it creeps up on you)
If you're dating someone for 3 to 6 months and you don't feel that fluttery nervous feeling when you're getting ready to see them... or when you think about them during the day... maybe it's just best to leave them in the friend category. Things will be easier that way.
Again, this is based on *my* version of the butterflies, and not everyone even gets butterflies, or wants them.
Ballerina_Bun
Well-Known Member
.................................
Last edited:
caltron
Well-Known Member
I don't think it's a good idea and I don't think it's fair to the other person, who may be head over heels in love with you. I'd be crushed if my hubby didn't have butterflies for me the same way I did for him or had to learn to love me. I'd also be afraid that one day he'd find the person he was actually in love with and leave me.
Also, as time goes and the day to day reality of marriage sets in, it's nice when you can reminisce on those times when you were just so happy in love. If they're not there in the beginning, a lot of times they don't ever appear.
Also, as time goes and the day to day reality of marriage sets in, it's nice when you can reminisce on those times when you were just so happy in love. If they're not there in the beginning, a lot of times they don't ever appear.
Ballerina_Bun
Well-Known Member
...................................
Last edited:
I disagree. Every since divorced couple I know say "I couldn't imagine my life without him".
For me, I think more along the lines of "is this someone I can work with?, in 5, 10 years how do I see my life with this person?"
Ballerina_Bun
Well-Known Member
...................................
Last edited:
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Excellent question.
alexstin
Well-Known Member
I need to be "in love"
I couldn't marry someone that was a good husband, father and provider but not be in love with him. After 15 years of marriage and 19 years of being together, my husband still makes my heart melt. Romantic love isn't everything since there have been plenty of days where I didn't even like him 
, but it's not something I could do without in our relationship.
I couldn't marry someone that was a good husband, father and provider but not be in love with him. After 15 years of marriage and 19 years of being together, my husband still makes my heart melt. Romantic love isn't everything since there have been plenty of days where I didn't even like him , but it's not something I could do without in our relationship.I've always looked at it in terms of a scale...if what I stand to lose is more than what I stand to gain - I need to stay put.
And I think that's really where I started to realize that I REALLY cared about him is other people didn't stop seeming attractive to me, it's just the more I paid attention the more I realized what I stand to lose far outweighs what I could possibly stand to gain (with someone new).
Similar threads
