I don't like the person I am becoming...in my relationship

[shawny86]

Here is the problem...I see myself becoming very clingy. Which has never been me. Now on one hand, I am pregnant and feel I can't really go out and do the things I used to do but I have also become very jealous. We have been together for 6 years, and recently moved in together. I don't know what to do...I am a very independent person, and love that about myself. I am 3 months pregnant and dont want to bring my child in this world with insecurities.

Oh and he has changed as well. He was always a homebody, now he is getting some money and think he fly and want "do his thing". Am I wrong for saying he should of done that when he was younger and got it out of his system? I understand that your life should not have to stop once you have a child but I have to give up a lot to have his child and he has yet to give up anything. He will be a great father, this I know...but we have so much to work on.

Sorry for the vent!! Thanks for listening...and pls post your opinions, let me know if I sound childish or like a paranoid preggo lol

 

[Teja]

Here is the problem...I see myself becoming very clingy. Which has never been me. Now on one hand, I am pregnant and feel I can't really go out and do the things I used to do but I have also become very jealous. We have been together for 6 years, and recently moved in together. I don't know what to do...I am a very independent person, and love that about myself. I am 3 months pregnant and dont want to bring my child in this world with insecurities.

Oh and he has changed as well. He was always a homebody, now he is getting some money and think he fly and want "do his thing". Am I wrong for saying he should of done that when he was younger and got it out of his system? I understand that your life should not have to stop once you have a child but I have to give up a lot to have his child and he has yet to give up anything. He will be a great father, this I know...but we have so much to work on.

Sorry for the vent!! Thanks for listening...and pls post your opinions, let me know if I sound childish or like a paranoid preggo lol

Hey ie,

First off congrats on you being preggers!
I think your behaviour is totally normal, when women become pregnant they usually feel the need for extra security and that might be the reason you are feeling the way you are.
I am sure every woman is scared at one point or another to be a single mama rasing a baby without a father around, all these things are probably going through your head when you say that he has yet to give up anything (going out)!
The two of you made a decision to become parents and that's a huge step just cut him some slack... there is nothing wrong with a guy doing his thing as long as you trust him its all good.
Doesn't everyone have so much to work on in thier relationship? Mine sure as hell aint perfect....Once the love is there you will be fine!
I am sure you guys will make wonderful parents!!
And no you don't sound childish or paranoid!!!!
Good luck and all the best for the two of you!

 

[1Aleeesha]

I don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign that he is changed... Your intuition could be telling you something...Or it could be innocent and you are paranoid... If this is how you feel I wouldn't call it childish. Basically you are pregnant and it has reflected in your life...But for him it's not yet... If it's his first child he doesn't know what to expect either so he's just continuing on doing what he does. You could try talking to him about how you feel, I believe that's what I would do...

What about marriage though?

 

[CAPlush]

First, in my experience and a lot of my friends, our husbands didn't mature into fatherhood until well after the baby was born. The baby is growing inside you, you are feeling symptoms, hormones, and visualizing your future. He is not, and let me tell you most men don't. The baby is an abstract concept, and a lot of men feel a disconnect because they have no control over the process and can't really participate in a meaningful way. My husband only held 1 baby before I had my son. I'm sure it was kind of scary for him actually. Sure, he can go to doctor's visits, but honestly, my husband just sat in a corner sweating bullets feeling horribly uncomfortable at the doctor's office because of all the other pregnant women and lady part drawings and photos on the wall. It took a while before he grew into the baby, when he was a newborn he just spent all day on the breast. Do you have any female friends/sisters to lean on for more emotional support, or maybe your mother or an aunt? Later in your pregnancy, you can more than likely get your boyfriend to help with things like purchasing big items and putting them together at home, and since he does have a little cash he should be more than happy to pay the bills. That's how a lot of men view their role, by providing financially, not necessarily to be a helpmate to the mother. You may need a female helpmate.

 

[JustKiya]

Here is the problem...I see myself becoming very clingy. Which has never been me. Now on one hand, I am pregnant and feel I can't really go out and do the things I used to do but I have also become very jealous. We have been together for 6 years, and recently moved in together. I don't know what to do...I am a very independent person, and love that about myself. I am 3 months pregnant and dont want to bring my child in this world with insecurities.

Oh and he has changed as well. He was always a homebody, now he is getting some money and think he fly and want "do his thing". Am I wrong for saying he should of done that when he was younger and got it out of his system? I understand that your life should not have to stop once you have a child but I have to give up a lot to have his child and he has yet to give up anything. He will be a great father, this I know...but we have so much to work on.

Sorry for the vent!! Thanks for listening...and pls post your opinions, let me know if I sound childish or like a paranoid preggo lol

Personally, I'd suspect your clingy because your subconscious is screaming at you that while you are, without a choice, totally committed to the child in your belly, he, on the other hand, is not.
He's not married to you, which might give you a bit of a feeling of peace, as that is an indicator of commitment, and having a child is no certainty of a father sticking around.
The fact that he is now 'changing', as well - going out, spending money that might be better saved towards baby needs, and basically not changing into a role of father/provider, while you are, by force, changing into the role of mother/provider.

Nah, you aren't being a paranoid pregnant woman at all. You are seeing that your partner isn't as invested in being a father as you are invested into being a mother - and that's some scary ish.

I'd suggest sitting down and talking to him - on a regular basis over a long period of time, in fact - the next 6 months sounds about right - what he feels that fatherhood is all about. Starting from birth, how does he see himself involved in rearing, protecting, nuturing, and providing for both you - who will be very occupied in childcare, and y'all child. I would talk with him about finances, schooling, clothing, carseats, daycare, college funds, etc, etc, etc. I'd also be sure to focus on the fact that you are going to be changing as well, and that you will be leaning on him a lot more for support, and that you are going to need a lot more of his time, too. Fatherhood is NOT just about money.

And personally, I'd take my tail to the courthouse and get married, too, but that's just me.

Good luck. I hope he realizes it's time to grow up and be a father and provider - and not think that now that you are irrevokably tied to him, now is the time to act a fool.

 

[honeycomb719]

I think its perfectly normal to feel they way you do. I can say being a independent person for 30 yrs, then becoming pregnant with my first child had me expecting just as much change from my fiance as was occuring with me. I felt like my wings had been clipped. The reality is its not gonna be equal is the sacrifices being made between the two of you.
Your body is changing in ways a man can never understand. You have to give up on some of the freedoms you once had due to the prenancy, that a man doesnt. So in that vein keep in mind some of the changes your facing just comes with the territory of being preggers that a man can never really emmulate.
The key is a long as he is understanding and there for you when you need him. Cut him some slack. Also it doesn hurt to express your feelings to him, and maybe in knowing how you feel he will be more sympathetic to what your feeling and stay in the nites you need him, or are feeling a little clingy.
Its tough having a child after being so independent for so long. No relationship is perfect. I too still struggle with the sacrifices I have made as far as my career is concerned,while I feel like my fiances is flourishing and mine has become stagnant. I know its only a matter of time before I get back into my career groove. I just keep reminding myself that Im lucky to be able to stay home with my baby girl during these precious months, but knowing that doesnt keep me from feeling resentment towards my fiance.
All in all its a process. A HUGE one. Keep the lines of communications open and you will be fine.
Sorry for my mini vent, lol...

 

[prospurr4]

Here is the problem...I see myself becoming very clingy. Which has never been me. Now on one hand, I am pregnant and feel I can't really go out and do the things I used to do but I have also become very jealous. We have been together for 6 years, and recently moved in together. I don't know what to do...I am a very independent person, and love that about myself. I am 3 months pregnant and dont want to bring my child in this world with insecurities.

Oh and he has changed as well. He was always a homebody, now he is getting some money and think he fly and want "do his thing". Am I wrong for saying he should of done that when he was younger and got it out of his system? I understand that your life should not have to stop once you have a child but I have to give up a lot to have his child and he has yet to give up anything. He will be a great father, this I know...but we have so much to work on.

Sorry for the vent!! Thanks for listening...and pls post your opinions, let me know if I sound childish or like a paranoid preggo lol

No, I don't think you're being childish or paranoid...you're acting like a normal, pregnant woman.

As a mother of two, I needed more love and affection during my pregnancies, and DH was available to give that to me. Also, the fact that we were married gave me the security (another "need") of knowing that DH and I were a team and committed to raise the child together. No, marriage does not guarantee that he will always be there for you and your child, but it's a move in the right direction and shows his intentions.

I realize my thinking may seem old-school/old-fashioned, but that's ME. I wish you the best.

 

[DayStar]

No, I don't think you're being childish or paranoid...you're acting like a normal, pregnant woman.

As a mother of two, I needed more love and affection during my pregnancies, and DH was available to give that to me. Also, the fact that we were married gave me the security (another "need") of knowing that DH and I were a team and committed to raise the child together. No, marriage does not guarantee that he will always be there for you and your child, but it's a move in the right direction and shows his intentions.

I realize my thinking may seem old-school/old-fashioned, but that's ME. I wish you the best.

 

[mrselle]

Congratulations!

No, I wouldn’t say you’re being paranoid. I think you’re justified in your feelings. You are newly pregnant and just moved in with your boyfriend. I don’t know if the two of you planned to move into together all along or if you decided to move in together after you found out you were pregnant. Regardless of the answer, those two things alone are very significant life changing events. Everyone handles change differently. Some people can take change in stride and others may take some time to process the changes. They may do it internally or externally. It sounds like your boyfriend is processing these changes externally. While the two of you have been dating for six years, you weren’t married and he did have some level of freedom. Now, you’ve moved in together and there is a baby on the way. He is having to give up a lot of his freedom and he didn’t plan on it. So, he expresses his feelings by going out, spending money, etc…. as if to say, “Hey, I’m still the man and I can do as I please. I can go out when I want, stay out as long as I want and I can spend my money any way I please. No one is the boss of me. I’m the boss of me.” Meanwhile, you are having a baby. Your body is changing, your moods may change from one minute to the next. And then you have this man you have to deal with. You’ve already become a mother and you’re already thinking in “mommy mode”. He’s not quite with the program yet.

I would sit down and have a talk with him. Be upfront and honest about your feelings and encourage him to do the same. Take the time to listen to him. Let him get his thoughts out. Don’t cut him off, just listen.. Also, I don’t know if marriage is something the two of you have discussed. Not everyone wants to get married and that is fine if you’re fine with that. If not, talk to him about marriage. If the two of you are on the same page where that is concerned that’s great. If you want to get married and he doesn’t then, as hard as it may be, I would start making plans to be on my own.

 

[FlawedBeauty]

you don't sound childish or paranoid. it sounds like ur SO is turning into a selfish jerk. i would talk to him before it gets outta control cuz situations like that only tend to get worse not better. how old is he??

ETA: dang girl, personally you may be a tad too young for all this. i see you have been together 6 yrs and ur only 22! i dont wanna seem like a debbie downer, but if he is around your age you may be in for a struggle. he might be ready to start living!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

you don't sound childish or paranoid. it sounds like ur SO is turning into a selfish jerk. i would talk to him before it gets outta control cuz situations like that only tend to get worse not better. how old is he??

ETA: dang girl, personally you may be a tad too young for all this. i see you have been together 6 yrs and ur only 22! i dont wanna seem like a debbie downer, but if he is around your age you may be in for a struggle. he might be ready to start living!

If this is the case then it all makes sense. I say it's time for him to GROW UP and quickly because you are bringing a child into this world and there is no time for him to use now to have his 'freedom'. As far as being clingy, that's normal. If you don't feel like you two are connecting, you two have six months to get some counseling and have him face some reality. Get a strong support group of friends, family, as well as other pregnant women or women who have recently given birth to help you cope with this new experience. I wish you the best!

 

[DayStar]

and there aint no rannnng no where erplexed

try and get a rang.....

you don't sound childish or paranoid. it sounds like ur SO is turning into a selfish jerk. i would talk to him before it gets outta control cuz situations like that only tend to get worse not better. how old is he??

ETA: dang girl, personally you may be a tad too young for all this. i see you have been together 6 yrs and ur only 22! i dont wanna seem like a debbie downer, but if he is around your age you may be in for a struggle. he might be ready to start living!

 

[JustKiya]

you don't sound childish or paranoid. it sounds like ur SO is turning into a selfish jerk. i would talk to him before it gets outta control cuz situations like that only tend to get worse not better. how old is he??

ETA: dang girl, personally you may be a tad too young for all this. i see you have been together 6 yrs and ur only 22! i dont wanna seem like a debbie downer, but if he is around your age you may be in for a struggle. he might be ready to start living!

Oh, wow, ya'll are young. Real young. He's - wow. Good luck, hun. *deep breath* I'm gonna ask, cuz it's important - was the pregnancy planned, or an 'oops'?

You need to talk to him about the future, period. Because what he envisioned his life being might not be what you think he's envisioning - and y'all need to get that clear ASAP!

 

[TayMac]

I don't think you are paranoid but your SO may see this as his last chance to go out and be really carefree before the baby comes. As someone pointed out, sometimes it takes men more time to get ready for the new baby and when they are born and they can see and hold them..that makes it real to them.

I don't think you are overreacting at all. Let him know you need comfort and support. It's very hard to feel alone while pregnant especially with your emotions running wild, I know.

You all need to have a serious adult talk about this. If he is in it for the long-haul, I'd go ahead and get married. Good luck!

 

[shawny86]

What about marriage though?[/quote]

I had questions about this and although I love him with everything I have, I dont think its the right time. I dont believe having a child is a sufficient reason to tie the knot. We have been having problems lately and marriage only complicates things, and I would never want to introduce my child into a unhappy marriage. It's the most painful thing for the child (From personal experience). The thought is there when the time is right though...I love the thought of being his wife, in due time.

 

[DayStar]

perplexed

please excuse my tone if it comes off wrong, but..you live with him, having sex with him, having a baby with him....why cant yall tie the knot? Is it because he just doesnt want to marry you? I mean why have a baby if you cant get married? ....

What about marriage though?

I had questions about this and although I love him with everything I have, I dont think its the right time. I dont believe having a child is a sufficient reason to tie the knot. We have been having problems lately and marriage only complicates things, and I would never want to introduce my child into a unhappy marriage. It's the most painful thing for the child (From personal experience). The thought is there when the time is right though...I love the thought of being his wife, in due time.

 

[Farida]

What about marriage though?

I had questions about this and although I love him with everything I have, I dont think its the right time. I dont believe having a child is a sufficient reason to tie the knot. We have been having problems lately and marriage only complicates things, and I would never want to introduce my child into a unhappy marriage. It's the most painful thing for the child (From personal experience). The thought is there when the time is right though...I love the thought of being his wife, in due time.

Maybe that's the big problem. You're very young, your life is about to change in a HUGE way, and you have a relationship you are not sure about. You are worried, as a mother should be, about your future and your baby's future.

Having a baby young really changes your life, and some of your options, and delays some of your goals...while he is just coming into his own.

Do you have a supportive network of friends and family? That could help you feel better. Of course, being communicative with SO too.

 

[FlawedBeauty]

i thought u were married

I'm 21 i have been married for two years this coming feb. My husband and were together for 4 years before getting married and felt it was just time. No regrets at all, he is my best friend and I love him more now than ever because I love the man he has become.

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=5808765&postcount=81

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=6008115&postcount=136

What about marriage though?

I had questions about this and although I love him with everything I have, I dont think its the right time. I dont believe having a child is a sufficient reason to tie the knot. We have been having problems lately and marriage only complicates things, and I would never want to introduce my child into a unhappy marriage. It's the most painful thing for the child (From personal experience). The thought is there when the time is right though...I love the thought of being his wife, in due time.[/quote]

 

[Zaynab]

Personally, I'd suspect your clingy because your subconscious is screaming at you that while you are, without a choice, totally committed to the child in your belly, he, on the other hand, is not.
He's not married to you, which might give you a bit of a feeling of peace, as that is an indicator of commitment, and having a child is no certainty of a father sticking around.
The fact that he is now 'changing', as well - going out, spending money that might be better saved towards baby needs, and basically not changing into a role of father/provider, while you are, by force, changing into the role of mother/provider.

Nah, you aren't being a paranoid pregnant woman at all. You are seeing that your partner isn't as invested in being a father as you are invested into being a mother - and that's some scary ish.

I'd suggest sitting down and talking to him - on a regular basis over a long period of time, in fact - the next 6 months sounds about right - what he feels that fatherhood is all about. Starting from birth, how does he see himself involved in rearing, protecting, nuturing, and providing for both you - who will be very occupied in childcare, and y'all child. I would talk with him about finances, schooling, clothing, carseats, daycare, college funds, etc, etc, etc. I'd also be sure to focus on the fact that you are going to be changing as well, and that you will be leaning on him a lot more for support, and that you are going to need a lot more of his time, too. Fatherhood is NOT just about money.

And personally, I'd take my tail to the courthouse and get married, too, but that's just me.

Good luck. I hope he realizes it's time to grow up and be a father and provider - and not think that now that you are irrevokably tied to him, now is the time to act a fool.

Dang, you put that out there

 

[DayStar]

i thought u were married



http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=5808765&postcount=81

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=6008115&postcount=136



I had questions about this and although I love him with everything I have, I dont think its the right time. I dont believe having a child is a sufficient reason to tie the knot. We have been having problems lately and marriage only complicates things, and I would never want to introduce my child into a unhappy marriage. It's the most painful thing for the child (From personal experience). The thought is there when the time is right though...I love the thought of being his wife, in due time.

[/quote]

 

[shawny86]

you don't sound childish or paranoid. it sounds like ur SO is turning into a selfish jerk. i would talk to him before it gets outta control cuz situations like that only tend to get worse not better. how old is he??

ETA: dang girl, personally you may be a tad too young for all this. i see you have been together 6 yrs and ur only 22! i dont wanna seem like a debbie downer, but if he is around your age you may be in for a struggle. he might be ready to start living!

He is 26...I know I am young so thats why ask if I sound childish or unrealistic. But I love that we have weathered the different stages of life together, never once breaking up. I've changed/grew up tremendously since we got together when we were 16.

 

[DayStar]

...........................

 

[Zaynab]

What about marriage though?

I had questions about this and although I love him with everything I have, I dont think its the right time. I dont believe having a child is a sufficient reason to tie the knot. We have been having problems lately and marriage only complicates things, and I would never want to introduce my child into a unhappy marriage. It's the most painful thing for the child (From personal experience). The thought is there when the time is right though...I love the thought of being his wife, in due time.[/quote]

What's sad is, it looks like about 70% of black people think like this

 

[Zaynab]

i thought u were married



http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=5808765&postcount=81

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=6008115&postcount=136



I had questions about this and although I love him with everything I have, I dont think its the right time. I dont believe having a child is a sufficient reason to tie the knot. We have been having problems lately and marriage only complicates things, and I would never want to introduce my child into a unhappy marriage. It's the most painful thing for the child (From personal experience). The thought is there when the time is right though...I love the thought of being his wife, in due time.

[/quote]

That search feature

 

[DayStar]

...80%..damn shame

I had questions about this and although I love him with everything I have, I dont think its the right time. I dont believe having a child is a sufficient reason to tie the knot. We have been having problems lately and marriage only complicates things, and I would never want to introduce my child into a unhappy marriage. It's the most painful thing for the child (From personal experience). The thought is there when the time is right though...I love the thought of being his wife, in due time.

What's sad is, it looks like about 70% of black people think like this[/quote]

 

[shawny86]

Oh, wow, ya'll are young. Real young. He's - wow. Good luck, hun. *deep breath* I'm gonna ask, cuz it's important - was the pregnancy planned, or an 'oops'?

You need to talk to him about the future, period. Because what he envisioned his life being might not be what you think he's envisioning - and y'all need to get that clear ASAP!

It was a surprise, but a pleasant one. ( We were always as careful as we should have been). But what's interesting is he wanted the baby, sooo bad. He loves kids ( probably bcuz he's a big kid himself). Even now when he gets home from work he kisses my belly.

 

[Xavier]

i thought u were married



http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=5808765&postcount=81

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=6008115&postcount=136



I had questions about this and although I love him with everything I have, I dont think its the right time. I dont believe having a child is a sufficient reason to tie the knot. We have been having problems lately and marriage only complicates things, and I would never want to introduce my child into a unhappy marriage. It's the most painful thing for the child (From personal experience). The thought is there when the time is right though...I love the thought of being his wife, in due time.

[/quote]


I hope this thread is still around when I get home.

 

[DayStar]

^^^ so are you MARRIED or not??

 

[shawny86]

perplexed

please excuse my tone if it comes off wrong, but..you live with him, having sex with him, having a baby with him....why cant yall tie the knot? Is it because he just doesnt want to marry you? I mean why have a baby if you cant get married? ....

I may be contradicting myself but the baby wasn't exactly planned and I wouldn't make a decision like that with all the hormones going through my body. One day i'm in love the next, I could kill the mf, ya know?

 

[JustKiya]

It was a surprise, but a pleasant one. ( We were always as careful as we should have been). But what's interesting is he wanted the baby, sooo bad. He loves kids ( probably bcuz he's a big kid himself). Even now when he gets home from work he kisses my belly.

Oh, hunny. There are a whole lot of people who 'want' children but don't 'want' to be parents, as well. And being a big kid is not a good indicator as far as a good father.

And I suspect that this thread is going to take an interesting turn in a bit, so I'm going to give you one more bit of advice.

Next time he comes home and kisses your belly, sit his tail down and work out a five year plan for your little family - that'll get the baby to kindy. And I'd suggest, if you have a religious home, you check into pre-marriage counseling. If you know you have issues now, get HELP. Don't try to sit there and work through them on your own - you have about 6 months to get your stuff together, and after six years? Either ya'll want to be together for life, or you don't.