I don’t have pretty privilege and that sucks

[caribeandiva]

Thoughts?

 

[Black Ambrosia]

There's a lot to unpack here. She makes valid points but there's also a false narrative that she's unworthy or undeserving based on the attention she's not getting. I've never lived in LA but I've heard others say that there are a lot of "beautiful" people there so her experience may be based largely on her environment. Still being a woman in her 30s I can't imagine she's never gone anywhere without very specific model-like beauty standards so some of this is about her energy and what's she's attracting. I hate that she believes she won't marry or have children. No one knows what the future holds but resigning yourself to being alone because you think no one finds you pretty enough to date is just sad. I want to give her a hug and find her a black, female therapist.

 

[Leeda.the.Paladin]

What are the cliff notes? She doesn't think she's pretty?

 

[lesedi]

I really enjoyed the video and I think she was spot on for a lot of it. I’ve subscribed

 

[Kanky]

I did not watch the whole video but I’m still going to share what I think.

It is true that attractive people are treated better.

The woman in the video is below average looking. This means that bars and other venues where men are specifically looking to pick up women are not going to be her best bet because there will always be a lot of women who are more attractive than her there. These places aren’t good bets for finding a husband anyway as it is harder to screen out the trash. I have never met a man that I could be serious about in a bar or club, even though plenty of men hit on me.

She needs to find hobbies and activities that include a lot of men and show up looking her cutest and being friendly on a regular basis. She might meet a guy who wants to date her after getting to know her better. You don’t have to be attractive to get married.

 

[Rocky91]

I like her mannerisms. She’s frank, pragmatic, and authentic, which is quite refreshing. I wonder what she wanted to gain from posting this video and what she wants long-term.

If I was her close friend and she asked for my input, I’d say: You are actually quite pretty, sis. Pretty skin, nice lips, and big doe eyes (check out a video of her without glasses). Ditch the headband wig and that particular type of glasses or actually just get some contacts. And losing about 10 lbs. would upgrade her look even more.

I’d advise her to reconsider dating exclusively Black, if that’s what she’s doing. There is no other community in which frumpiness poses such an obstacle to getting married so increase your pool and your chances. Leave the West Coast and come get you a nice Midwestern Brad or Jamal if you find one at your local multicultural church or at the gym. If she stays focused, she could be married in about two years, tops.

 

[jasmatazz]

I like her candid perspective and there’s a lot of truth to what she’s saying about how men treat women based on appearance, and the way darker skinned women are seen.

However, I think she’s selling herself short. She may not be a Kelly Rowland or anything like that, but I honestly think she has a cute face and a nice smile. I think it’s her styling that comes across as a bit dowdy…especially her glasses and hair. Someone on the other site posted a picture of her birthday look, and while she did look very nice, even that look missed the mark, imo.

 

[LivingInPeace]

I did not watch the whole video but I’m still going to share what I think.

It is true that attractive people are treated better.

The woman in the video is below average looking. This means that bars and other venues where men are specifically looking to pick up women are not going to be her best bet because there will always be a lot of women who are more attractive than her there. These places aren’t good bets for finding a husband anyway as it is harder to screen out the trash. I have never met a man that I could be serious about in a bar or club, even though plenty of men hit on me.

She needs to find hobbies and activities that include a lot of men and show up looking her cutest and being friendly on a regular basis. She might meet a guy who wants to date her after getting to know her better. You don’t have to be attractive to get married.

Really, you think she's below average looking? I think she's an average looking woman. I watched the video and I understood what she was saying. I guess I don't understand why all these people are talking about "pretty privilege" like it's something that just started.

 

[LivingInPeace]

I like her mannerism. She’s frank, pragmatic, and authentic, which is quite refreshing. I wonder what she wanted to gain from posting this video and what she wants long-term.

If I was her close friend and she asked for my input, I’d say: You are actually quite pretty, sis. Pretty skin, nice lips, and big doe eyes (check out a video of her without glasses). Ditch the headband wig and that particular type of glasses or actually just get some contacts. And losing about 10 lbs. would upgrade her look even more.

I’d advise her to reconsider dating exclusively Black, if that’s what she’s doing. There is no other community in which frumpiness poses such an obstacle to getting married so increase your pool and your chances. Leave the West Coast and come get you a nice Midwestern Brad or Jamal if you find one at your local multicultural church or at the gym. If she stays focused, she could be married in about two years, tops.

I thought she said that her only dates have been with white men?

 

[jasmatazz]

I’d advise her to reconsider dating exclusively Black, if that’s what she’s doing. There is no other community in which frumpiness poses such an obstacle to getting married so increase your pool and your chances. Leave the West Coast and come get you a nice Midwestern Brad or Jamal if you find one at your local multicultural church or at the gym. If she stays focused, she could be married in about two years, tops.

Lol @ Midwestern Brad, but yep this is very true.

 

[caribeandiva]

I thought she said that her only dates have been with white men?

Yep she did say that in the follow up video:

 

[caribeandiva]

What are the cliff notes? She doesn't think she's pretty?

-She doesn’t think she’s ugly just not pretty.
-Even when she puts in the effort she’s still not gorgeous so to her it’s a waste of effort.
-Men aren’t checking for her like that because they go for the prettier women.
-she doesn’t turn heads even when she’s looking her best
-she doesn’t get treated the best, especially by men, compared to what she’s observed with other, prettier, women
-she gave up on hoping for marriage and kids since no one is checking for her
-only bottom of the barrel men approach her
-she’s dark skinned and not cute so she’s paying a double tax of sorts

 

[Rocky91]

Yep she did say that in the follow up video:

Oh ok, I see, right around 12:51. More unflinching authenticity that I really appreciate.

 

[Lylddlebit]

I empathized and believe what she said as honest/genuine. She is speaking about real experiences that I wouldn't even try to debate or want to know for myself. A huge positive impact on me as a girl turned woman, then wife, then mother is how boys/men have always been loving and protective of/towards me. How there has always been someone of my choice who desired to be for me what I needed, no matter their flaws. Starting with my dad, continuing with my stepdad, evolving with romantic partners and being fully actualized with my husband, those experiences made a difference. There is a lot of security, and functional development that allows a woman to be carefree and feminine and pleasant when she is protected and affirmed. It creates a safe place to not only love yourself for who you are but identify why others choose you especially when they do not have to. She alluded to a glimpse of that from her father and it strikes me as just enough to know what she was missing. I have compassion for her and for all the recommendations of what she could be doing to improve her experience...as a woman I know the value of knowing your are worthy of being saved, protected and loved for all you are on the days you don't got it within to project outward...the days you just need to be rescued and comforted.

 

[Leeda.the.Paladin]

If she's on the west coast, I'd agree that the first move would be to move, probably to the south.

I'm in the south, but recently visited the west coast and man, it's a different world.

I hate to see people talk about themselves like this because there are so many people of varying attractiveness levels that find love and marry. And I feel like you fall into a trap of thinking that you will never find love because of your looks, that you really wont.

I've known so, so, so many women who said they'd never find someone and they do!

 

[ckisland]

I watched this video a few days ago, and I found her take much more interesting than I expected. I ended up watching another video of hers, and it gave a really good picture of what's going on. There's a lot going on.

1. She isn't pretty, but she's average-ish. Losing a good bit of weight and changing her styling would make her more attractive, but pretty just isn't her lane. What happened for her birthday outing is that she styled herself in a way that did nothing for her. She's not sexy. She doesn't have that type of presence, so trying for blatant sexiness fell completely flat. I'm not sexy either, and I learned a long time ago that that isn't my lane. But I'm cute as all get out, and I've gotten lots of attention from guys when I leaned into that. There are plenty of happily married women who aren't pretty. There are plenty of pretty women who have only had a string of trash relationships. It's not the end all be all, and she thinks that it is.

2. From this and another video (one about online dating), it's really obvious that she's built up a whole fantasy life in her head and she's got unrealistic expectations. She said that she wants a relationship that has Billy Bob and Angelina Jolie energy . Huh? What? I don't know who she thinks she is in that dynamic, but she doesn't have Billy Bob or Angelina energy, so how would that work . She also seems to be hyper-focused on a man falling in love with her at first sight, but she doesn't believe that that will happen at the same time.

3. She's never had a male friend, and believes (from one comment made by one child) that the only way a guy will be friends with a chick is if he really wants to get in her pants. So she's absolutely wrong, and I say this as someone who has had a lot of male friends and has been friends with dudes since kindergarten. I have absolutely had male friends who I flirted with, and we were mutually attracted to each other. I've also had male friends who were like brothers to me, where there was no sexual chemistry, tension or spark.
She mentioned never having male friends to go on dates with (not the purpose of male friends but okay), and that she avoids becoming friends with guys because she doesn't want her feelings hurt .

4. LA ain't it for dating, and that's not just an issue "dark-skinned" black women have. White women also say that LA is horrible for dating. LA just isn't it. Bars and clubs are also not it, especially for the lane that she's in. Knowing your lane is a whole thing. She's not dazzling visually, and she doesn't have an attention grabbing personality or energy. She's figured that out the hard way, but she hasn't been able to mentally pivot without taking baggage with her.

One thing that I've noticed, as someone who's had pretty privilege up until I got really fat ( now I have the lesser fat pretty privilege ), is that a lot of unpretty people are super shallow. They hyper-focus on physical appearance and don't realize that personality and charisma is it's own secret sauce. I have met and been friends with plenty of dazzling human beings who aren't pretty, but their energy is everything and people can't help but respond to it. People can also smell insecurity and desperation from a mile away, and it's unattractive. She has work to do, and I hope that she does that instead of just giving up.

 

[Evolving78]

I like her mannerism. She’s frank, pragmatic, and authentic, which is quite refreshing. I wonder what she wanted to gain from posting this video and what she wants long-term.

If I was her close friend and she asked for my input, I’d say: You are actually quite pretty, sis. Pretty skin, nice lips, and big doe eyes (check out a video of her without glasses). Ditch the headband wig and that particular type of glasses or actually just get some contacts. And losing about 10 lbs. would upgrade her look even more.

I’d advise her to reconsider dating exclusively Black, if that’s what she’s doing. There is no other community in which frumpiness poses such an obstacle to getting married so increase your pool and your chances. Leave the West Coast and come get you a nice Midwestern Brad or Jamal if you find one at your local multicultural church or at the gym. If she stays focused, she could be married in about two years, tops.

I’m glad you said something about those frames and wigs. She may need to adjust her potential mate qualifications as well. I don’t think men don’t approach this woman. I think it has a lot to do with who she is attracted to and they might not be attracted to her.
Brad wouldn’t date her, but Peter would.

 

[ckisland]

I’m glad you said something about those frames and wigs. She may need to adjust her potential mate qualifications as well. I don’t think men don’t approach this woman. I think it has a lot to do with who she is attracted to and they might not be attracted to her.
Brad wouldn’t date her, but Peter would.

^ This! The dude that's picking up women in the club isn't going to be there to pick up her. That's not who that guy is looking for. She probably needs to branch out to slightly older, less extroverted men.
She also seems like she wants to be approached like she's the princess or damsel-type, but she doesn't give off that type of vibe. She doesn't read soft, feminine or girly. I have always attracted men (both platonically and romantically) who are the take care of you type because I give off the vibe that I need to be taken care of. There are reactions from men that she wants to invoke, but she'll have to put the time in to learn how to invoke them.

 

[niknakmac]

I think she is pretty. I suggest she move to the south and find her a man that is family orientated. When I lived in Michigan I actually stopped dating because it was just brutal...Detroit was on 10. Moved down south and met some very nice men that were all marriage orientated. #godownsouthandgetwifedup

 

[caribeandiva]

One thing that I've noticed, as someone who's had pretty privilege up until I got really fat ( now I have the lesser fat pretty privilege ), is that a lot of unpretty people are super shallow. They hyper-focus on physical appearance and don't realize that personality and charisma is it's own secret sauce.

 

[Rocky91]

I’m glad you said something about those frames and wigs. She may need to adjust her potential mate qualifications as well. I don’t think men don’t approach this woman. I think it has a lot to do with who she is attracted to and they might not be attracted to her.
Brad wouldn’t date her, but Peter would.

Lol I didn’t know there were levels to it. I like that, so Brad is an extra fine white man, but Peter is regular degular? Lol.

Yea, the kinky curly texture really works for her, but that headband man...just adds a layer of frump. If she wants the length, she may want to consider a sew in or clip-ins. But frankly, I’m willing to bet her own hair, styled flawlessly, would upgrade her look.

idk if folks realize just how frumpy some of these wigs can be. It seems the impulse is to think wig=glamorous, but nah...that ain’t always the case. Viola has always been a gorgeous woman to me, but when she started hitting the scene with that TWA or even her natural looking extensions? Just added a new layer of sexiness, IMO.

 

[Theresamonet]

Marriage and children aren’t a privilege of the pretty. Anyone can see that by just looking around. She seems smart and aware enough to know that.

She stated that she feels basically robbed of experiences that other women get to have. This is her primary issue. She doesn’t want to just get to know a man at church, find they have things in common and develop a relationship. She wants a man to see her and find her irresistible, and sweep her off her feet. This is what she thinks is happening to pretty girls, and she feels cheated.

Putting on a Fashionnova dress and entering the bar like a proud peacock waiting to be admired, wasn’t ever going to work for her. Men don’t go to bars looking to pick up women who look like her. They go with a fantasy in mind. But that doesn’t mean that those same men wouldn’t fall in love with, marry, and have children with a woman who looks like her. They just probably won’t meet in that setting, when a buffet of women is in front of them.

 

[Theresamonet]

So… Y’all don’t like headband wigs? Or just not hers?

 

[Kanky]

She doesn’t want to just get to know a man at church, find they have things in common and develop a relationship. She wants a man to see her and find her irresistible, and sweep her off her feet. This is what she thinks is happening to pretty girls, and she feels cheated.

So since she’s not the main character in a romance novel she is never going to marry or have children? The chubby but cute sidekick always gets married in those too.

 

[lesedi]

So… Y’all don’t like headband wigs? Or just not hers?

I love a headband wig. I cover the black headband though with a cute/patterned band/scarf/sash though. They are so convenient **shrug**

 

[almond eyes]

I do think that black dark skinned women with fuller features, bodies and the wigs have a harder time compared to their light skinned counterparts especially in attracting black men in the States. The rejections for many begin from elementary school and can leave a scarring effect and thoughts of, "nobody likes me." Many black women are made to feel invisible so to compensate many of us develop coping mechanisms; getting extra loud, wearing lots of make up and long or blonde weaves, playing small and playing the side kick or just not caring about appearance.

I will never forget the times years ago when as a brown skinned woman would be ignored in favor of my Latina friend who wore pants, had acne and didn't wear make up. No matter how much I dressed up. She was oblivious to her privilege. The black and Lebanese men would immediately buzz towards her. I also got my own attention too, but not on the same level and she enjoyed going after the men who showed me attention. I stopped going out with her.

I will be honest, in what changed for me was when I stopped wearing wigs and braids and grew my hair loose and also with locs things changed immensely. When I also shaved my head I also got loads of male attention. It's sad but I think that many black women are stigmatized with fake hair. The joke is always that we are bald under those wigs and baldness is linked to masculinity. The idiot reality star Tila Tequila who I think is mentally unstable and just became a born again just said outrageously the other day that black women are bald because it is a curse and quoted from the bible. Many men told me of all races, that thank God I stopped wearing fake hair. I think that's bit unfair to black women who have damaged hair that may have even been due to stress or illness. Because I have seen many non black women with their bad wigs and weaves and still get men and stares.

At the end, of the day we shouldn't strive to keep up with the beauty matrix however focus on our pluses of what defines our unique beauty. I know many dark skinned African women in all shapes and sizes who play up their beauty in other ways that aren't the standard of the Kim K look and they have their husbands of various races.

I don't condemn women who get trapped in trying to keep up with the beauty matrix because it is a real thing for all women. I also don't condemn her for her real and honest opinion.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Rocky91]

So… Y’all don’t like headband wigs? Or just not hers?

Lol! Generally speaking, it is a bit of a corny look to me when you leave absolutely no hairline showing. The girlies on YouTube style them up and get real cute (I’ll add some pics) when they start pushing them back to show some hairline, changing out the black fabric headband for something cuter, and add cute makeup for an overall glam effect...but honestly, I don’t see that much effort in real life. Typically, it just ends up looking like folks took that wig out the Amazon package and slapped it on. No effort at shaping, fluffing, nothing.

I am also a becoming a bit of a “wear your real hair” devotee because i just see so many weave/wig monstrosities. Most folks don’t seem to have a knack for styling false hair in an attractive manner once they are 2 weeks post stylist chair, so I would like some of us to just quit trying and go back to the drawing board with our own hair.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I have been in this woman's shoes and I feel her pain. I have lived in LA for nearly all of my adult life. I met my first fiancé in college which was by far the easiest place for a fat average black chick to find a man in these LA streets. Unfortunately, he passed before the wedding and it took me over a decade and thousands of dollars in image consulting and date coaching fees to where I wanted to be.

Little black girls who actually listened to folks tell them "to keep they head in a book and don't worry bout no boys" are done a terrible disservice because by the time your head is removed from the books a lot of us find out we have limited interpersonal skills that transfer to dating or the ability to self assess at the dating level. Attracting men is not an intuitive skill to every woman no matter how many times the coquettish unicorns preach from high above how easy it is.

I had to pay someone to tell me to go expose my breasts to a complete stranger at a lingerie shop to be fitted properly for bras and then buy dresses and blouses with necklines that showed my newly raised and spotlighted cleavage. There's a lot of other things that I learned that paid off but I will tell you that whilst still very fat, emphasizing my boobs got me more attention from men than I had the entirety of my adult life at that point. I'm not talking about just dudes standing outside the liquor store neither. Men I had known for years started acting differently around me. That's why I sometimes said here that men may not even notice you have a head if they like what they see below the neck because trust my face didn't suddenly become prettier. I didn't know the power of a sundress until I was 35.

Also, when I say show cleavage I'm not talking about walking around fully exposed. Part of not worrying about boys was wearing baggy clothes to cover enormous breasts to hide my blessings.

I mention this to say, look at the neckline of the shirts she wore in the thumbnails in her videos until about 2 weeks ago. People are starting to give her advice but it takes a minute to self correct years of conditioning. She probably wears the natural type wigs because people give black women hell about wearing straight styles but here's a secret, straight styles may look better on people for reasons that have all to do with European standards of beauty. If makeup can take you from this to this then ball out at Sephora and get it done regardless of people talking about wizardry and being fair to men and what not.


Pretty privilege is real and it's unfair so some of us got to cheat our way to it and that's perfectly fine as far as i'm concerned.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

So… Y’all don’t like headband wigs? Or just not hers?

A whole lot of women make the mistake of pulling a wig out of a bag and plopping it on their head with nary a tweak to frame it to their face. Some (not most) people can carry that look off, she's one who cannot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I agree with everybody that them glasses ain't it either. If the bridge of your nose is low then avoid frames without nose pads because they will slide down to the most unflattering angle of your nose and if that joint is crooked then the glasses will be too. There's products that can help but this is something I had to pay somebody to tell me.

 

[almond eyes]

I have been in this woman's shoes and I feel her pain. I have lived in LA for nearly all of my adult life. I met my first fiancé in college which was by far the easiest place for a fat average black chick to find a man in these LA streets. Unfortunately, he passed before the wedding and it took me over a decade and thousands of dollars in image consulting and date coaching fees to where I wanted to be.

Little black girls who actually listened to folks tell them "to keep they head in a book and don't worry bout no boys" are done a terrible disservice because by the time your head is removed from the books a lot of us find out we have limited interpersonal skills that transfer to dating or the ability to self assess at the dating level. Attracting men is not an intuitive skill to every woman no matter how many times the coquettish unicorns preach from high above how easy it is.

I had to pay someone to tell me to go expose my breasts to a complete stranger at a lingerie shop to be fitted properly for bras and then buy dresses and blouses with necklines that showed my newly raised and spotlighted cleavage. There's a lot of other things that I learned that paid off but I will tell you that whilst still very fat, emphasizing my boobs got me more attention from men than I had the entirety of my adult life at that point. I'm not talking about just dudes standing outside the liquor store neither. Men I had known for years started acting differently around me. That's why I sometimes said here that men may not even notice you have a head if they like what they see below the neck because trust my face didn't suddenly become prettier. I didn't know the power of a sundress until I was 35.

Also, when I say show cleavage I'm not talking about walking around fully exposed. Part of not worrying about boys was wearing baggy clothes to cover enormous breasts to hide my blessings.

I mention this to say, look at the neckline of the shirts she wore in the thumbnails in her videos until about 2 weeks ago. People are starting to give her advice but it takes a minute to self correct years of conditioning. She probably wears the natural type wigs because people give black women hell about wearing straight styles but here's a secret, straight styles may look better on people for reasons that have all to do with European standards of beauty. If makeup can take you from this to this then ball out at Sephora and get it done regardless of people talking about wizardry and being fair to men and what not.
View attachment 473767

Pretty privilege is real and it's unfair so some of us got to cheat our way to it and that's perfectly fine as far as i'm concerned.

Love your post.

I don't think straight wigs are the enemy but these long to your back Cher wigs look very drag queen especially for the day. I have a friend who did that and people were always laughing behind her back and it did nothing for her. The wig above is the perfect length and looks like relaxed hair.

What other tips do you have? Besides enhancing cleavage, not slapping a wig on and better glasses?

Best,
Almond Eyes