I am Divorcing...

mzcaramelicious07 said:
For the past 5 yrs I have been in an unhealthy relationship...physically and verbally abusive. I did not have the courage to leave and got married as most of you know about 7 months ago. Things became worse and I began fearing my safety even more. I was going to work with bruises more and more and was too stressed out to concentrate at work. I began having stress pains in my body and panic attacks at anytime because I never knew what was going to happen when I went home. I have suggested counseling several times, just separation, prayed, confessed, said "Do you see what you are doing to me???" in the midst of incidents with the response of, "I don't have a problem. Everyone does this..." I also asked his parents for help (who was also our pastors), but he would always lie about what he did and they of course believed him. I have recently and abrubtly left the area (and a GREAT job) because I did not feel safe to stay there with him and didn't have anywhere to go in that area. I am now relocated back to my hometown which is 5 hours away and looking to relocate to the VA/MD area.

Please pray for me. I am hurt, dissappointed, angry, betrayed and list could go on and on and on.

Edited to Add after reading some posts:
Thank you so much ladies for the encouragement.

This situation is so confusing because he never flat out hit me with his fist. I've been pushed, wrestled to the ground, hit up side the head with objects, grabbed up and thrown, kicked, chased, among others, but never flat out punched in the face. And I guess since he didn't hit me with his fist, it was said that he wasn't abusive. The verbal abuse was out of this world. I think that is one reason why I stayed. I started to believe some of things that he screamed two inches from my face every other day.

To my knowledge he did not know about me being on here. I mentioned I checked out hair boards, but that is it.

And to another poster, who mentioned a son, I don't have any children (Thank God!).
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Mzcaramelicious07:

Thank you for having the courage to share your pain with us on this board. I know the women on here are loving, supportive, sisterly women. But you did not have to share this very personal issue with us. Also, you are in my prayers, b/c doing what you have just done takes a lot of courage. But know that you did the right thing. God never wants us to be in an abusive situation...because that's not His will!

I pray that God's hand will lead you to the right place and deliver you in this difficult time, and I also pray that God will bring wise counsel and people into your life to support and strengthen you.

Also, I feel God telling me to say this. There are probably other women on this board who are going through the same thing, and God will bless you for your courage to share. Your courage will give them the courage to walk away from an abusive situation and to know that this is not their fault. So, don't doubt what you just did. Your husband may try to talk you into staying with him, but he must get help before you can ever associate with him again. And seriously, please don't forget this!
 
mzcaramelicious07, first I want to tell you that you are absolutely beautiful so don't believe that lie about how you look. They the abuser try to find any weakness and use it againts you all the time. I did the same thing you did. I married the abuser. I thought my love would be enough. I knew it on my wedding that that I shouldn't do it but I really loved this man and I think it will work. Wrong, so wrong. I been with him for over twenty years and I believe all the lies too but in the back of my mind I knew the truth. I went through it all being stranded, neglected,verbally and emotionally abused. I been physically abused even had to stay in a shelter but those conditions were so bad I went back to him. He tried to push me over the stairway banister in our house. I wouldn't have made it if he would have succeeded. I was so understress. I gained 160lbs in four years. I have anxiety and panic attacks. I have IBS and all kinds of emotional problems behind this relationship. I left but would always come back I couldn't get the help I needed. He finally left two weeks ago. He left. He got himself an apartment and I have freedom- a peace unlike I could ever imagine. Of course it has its limits I can only stay in my house for two years but I count each day as a blessing. I don't have to deal with him like that anymore. Oh he calls a lot almost everyday. Funny when he was living with me he ignore me. Walked right by and not say a word for days on end. It was a nightmare. So I say all this to say you are young and you have no real ties to him and it was the very best decision you could have ever made for your life. Thank God you did it. Don't ever ever go back. Its not about love its about power. I know you want him to love you and atleast try to want you back so that you can feel like he cared a little but its not about that. He's not responding in that way is another form of control. He knows you wanted to hear that so the opposite is all he has to offer. Every abuser has a certain angle. My husband refused to touch me for years or talk to me or provide any kind of emotional or finanical support. But he would come and pick me up at the airport. (weird) makes no sense and it never will. he would pick and choose what he would do and you would never know what or when. I am glad he is out of the house now divorcing him is the next step. My prayers are certainly with you and your new choices for your life. But you honestly did the right thing. I only wish I could have done it all those years ago.
 
mzcaramelicious07,

This really breaks my heart. I too remember you posting those beautifulllll(that's with 5 L's) wedding pictures. I just knew that you were enjoying your honeymoon.

I'm in disbelief and saddened to log on and see your post about divorcing. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

It's not easy admitting that your relationship wasn't great before or after marriage. I'm glad that you are getting out, and no child(ren) are involved. Just know that you don't deserve to be abused by NOBODY! It's completely unacceptable, PERIOD!

I wish you the best!

Before I go, you asked the question, " Was I not worth even trying to keep?"
Yes, you sure are, but for somebody that will treat you like a Queen. (((HUGS))
 
I am so sorry to hear about this. I am truly heartbroken. We all want to stick by our men especially when we love them but we end up losing ourselves by dealing with their abuse. You have taken the first step and that's leaving him before it gets worse. Yeah, he have never punched you in the face but that's how it starts since you two been married only seven months. Imagine how it will be 5 years from now?!

Don't tell him what you plan to do. If you doing anything be discreet about it. When you are packing make sure he's away whether at work, trip, etc and have someone there with you AT ALL TIMES (at least two people w/one male). Make sure you have 911 on speed dial because they will get violent.

Does your family know about this? You need to tell them. The more support you have the better you can get away from him. Please keep us posted and I will be praying for your safety.
 
:(
I also remember reading all of your stories/threads and I too thought you were happy. You were able to get out before things got much worse and hopefully you have the support of your family and friends. I will keep you in my thoughts. :Rose:
 
My heart goes out to you mzcaramelicious, because I know the effects an unhealthy relationship can have on your health, not to mention your mental well being. Now that you've left, you'll see as time goes on your health will be 100% better and you'll have peace of mind. Stay strong and keep moving forward. I'll keep you in my prayers.
 
mzcaramelicious07 said:
Thank you so much ladies for encouragement. I have so many mixed emotions. I don't take marriage lightly and didn't EVER want to be divorced. When I mentioned divorce to him, he didn't apologize for anything, but told me that I am breaking the chains, setting him free, and to take my butt back to my hometown. Was I not worth even trying to keep?
Click to expand...

Don't, mzcaremelicious, don't even ask yourself that question, because when you do that, you're placing your worth and value at the judgement and mercy of someone who obviously can't tell pearls from dog poop.

What this man thinks and values should no longer be of any concern to you. As you're taking the necessary steps to move away physically from him, please also start the process of moving away emotionally and mentally, and break all emotional, mental and spiritual ties to him. It's for your own good.
 
I have not read all the posts but please, please, please, DO NOT FEEL ANY SHAME OR REGRET. You must let your people know what went on and what is going on. Stay strong, stay safe, you made the right move. Violence stems from violence, probably why his people are in denial. I am proud of you for walking.:kiss:
 
I'm so sorry to hear this, MzC! Ultimately, you have to do what's best for your physical, mental and emotional well-being.

Good luck with everything. :kiss:
 
mzcaramelicious07 said:
For the past 5 yrs I have been in an unhealthy relationship...physically and verbally abusive. I did not have the courage to leave and got married as most of you know about 7 months ago. Things became worse and I began fearing my safety even more. I was going to work with bruises more and more and was too stressed out to concentrate at work. I began having stress pains in my body and panic attacks at anytime because I never knew what was going to happen when I went home. I have suggested counseling several times, just separation, prayed, confessed, said "Do you see what you are doing to me???" in the midst of incidents with the response of, "I don't have a problem. Everyone does this..." I also asked his parents for help (who was also our pastors), but he would always lie about what he did and they of course believed him. I have recently and abrubtly left the area (and a GREAT job) because I did not feel safe to stay there with him and didn't have anywhere to go in that area. I am now relocated back to my hometown which is 5 hours away and looking to relocate to the VA/MD area.

Please pray for me. I am hurt, dissappointed, angry, betrayed and list could go on and on and on.

Edited to Add after reading some posts:
Thank you so much ladies for the encouragement.

This situation is so confusing because he never flat out hit me with his fist. I've been pushed, wrestled to the ground, hit up side the head with objects, grabbed up and thrown, kicked, chased, among others, but never flat out punched in the face. And I guess since he didn't hit me with his fist, it was said that he wasn't abusive. The verbal abuse was out of this world. I think that is one reason why I stayed. I started to believe some of things that he screamed two inches from my face every other day.

To my knowledge he did not know about me being on here. I mentioned I checked out hair boards, but that is it.

And to another poster, who mentioned a son, I don't have any children (Thank God!).
Click to expand...


Carmalious, I am so sorry you are going thru this! I know it's hard but girl continue to be strong. It was very brave of you to admit this and accept it. God Bless you and you can do this. Give yourself a chance to know real love!!
 
I will surely keep you in my prayers. I have been there. After I left my abusive husband in 2002 I was so scared. We had been together a total of 8 yrs. I did not know what he was going to do but I do believe God kept me safe. He even told me one day that he just could not do anything else to hurt me. He called me just the other day and said he loved me. I don't think so. I am never going back. Please pm me if you want to talk.
 
God bless you sweetie....my heart goes out to you. Lord knows how many other women are suffering the same abusive or even worse. Thank God for giving you the courage and the wisdom to make the decision you made and to share that with us. I pray that God would deliver you peacefully from this situation and give you healing, give you back that which the devil was trying...trying to destroy. I know someone mentioned in a previous post that no one can love you like you can but the truth is that no one can love you like God can. And, know that you are beautifully and wonderfully made by Him and let no man tell you otherwise. And, I pray for your husband as well. I pray for his healing and deliverance. I pray that the Lord would reveal the error of his ways to him because he knows not what he's doing or who he's doing it to (God's child). May God give you wisdom, discernment and strengthen you.
 
mzcaramelicious07 said:
Yes, I remember that time. I guess I was in denial. I remember this feeling in the pit of my stomach throughout all of the planning and even after saying I do in the pulpit, but didn't have the courage to not go through with it. That verbal abuse is something. I believed what he said...I was nothing, ugly, wouldn't get anybody else or everybody is like this and even worse. He was the first person that I even dated. We were only married for 7 months, but dated for almost 6 years and I saw that angry side of him from the 2nd year on.

Thank you so much ladies for encouragement. I have so many mixed emotions. I don't take marriage lightly and didn't EVER want to be divorced. When I mentioned divorce to him, he didn't apologize for anything, but told me that I am breaking the chains, setting him free, and to take my butt back to my hometown. Was I not worth even trying to keep?[/QUOTE]


caramelicious, listen to me. THIS IS A SICK F***** MAN!!! This is exactly what he wants you to feel. I am looking at your pics this very minute and you are a beautiful girl! This man is weak! He tries to hide his weakness by fronting his control over your mind. HE IS A LIAR!!. Heneeds you more than you can ever need him. HE is so classic!! They beat your self esteem until you feel as worthless as he feels about himself! HE IS A LOSER!! Stop for a minute and turn off his voice in your head. Your momma didn't raise a damn fool. Does anything he says makes sense? What do you know caramelicious? What do you know? DO you treat anyone that you say you love like this? Is it right minded to bite the hand that feeds you? Harm the hand that feeds you? Right now you are feeding him and he's feeding on your spirit. HE IS A LIAR!!! YES YOU ARE WORTH KEEPING AND CHERISHING!!! Please don't let this evil sick man take your spirit, your youth, your beauty or your peace. HE WILL NEVER EVER GIVE IT BACK!!! Shore up. You know the things that he says, the crazy making **** that he says is not true! You know how to use logic, if it don't make sense it's cause there is non!!! No, it wasn't your fault. No, it wouldn't have been different had you done this rather than that. No, you didn't ask for it. No, you didn't not consider him enough, love him enough, or give him enough! If anything you have given too dang much!!! His words are poisin and they are a lie!!! Please babe, please get rid of this man. Walk away. Life is for living and you have so much ahead of you. Loose the dead weight. You are so worth it!!
Click to expand...
 
sunnydaze said:
Yes he will...and he is trying to play mind games with you right now. To make you want to come running back, since he is so willing to let you go. Reverse psychology at its worst. Please don't pay attention to that nor start second guessing yourself.
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I agree he'll be begging soon after he sees you're serious about leaving. Stay away from him for your own safety.

I'm sorry to hear about this. :( You're in my prayers. And you will make it through this!!
 
Hmmm....it's so ironic that this thread has come about. I was watching the testimony of the preacher's wife who killed her husband last year. My heart went out to her as she told of the abuse she faced. You just never know what's going on. She confessed that she put on a happy face to family and friends when it was just the opposite.
 
Be strong my sister. You are brave to leave. You deserve a man who will cherish and honor you. He has a problem and thest things tend to worsen. May God continue to order your steps. In time, he will send you a companion that was born to be with you. Many prayers to you.
 
s_terry said:
mzcaramelicious07 said:
Yes, I remember that time. I guess I was in denial. I remember this feeling in the pit of my stomach throughout all of the planning and even after saying I do in the pulpit, but didn't have the courage to not go through with it. That verbal abuse is something. I believed what he said...I was nothing, ugly, wouldn't get anybody else or everybody is like this and even worse. He was the first person that I even dated. We were only married for 7 months, but dated for almost 6 years and I saw that angry side of him from the 2nd year on.

Thank you so much ladies for encouragement. I have so many mixed emotions. I don't take marriage lightly and didn't EVER want to be divorced. When I mentioned divorce to him, he didn't apologize for anything, but told me that I am breaking the chains, setting him free, and to take my butt back to my hometown. Was I not worth even trying to keep?[/QUOTE]


caramelicious, listen to me. THIS IS A SICK F***** MAN!!! This is exactly what he wants you to feel. I am looking at your pics this very minute and you are a beautiful girl! This man is weak! He tries to hide his weakness by fronting his control over your mind. HE IS A LIAR!!. Heneeds you more than you can ever need him. HE is so classic!! They beat your self esteem until you feel as worthless as he feels about himself! HE IS A LOSER!! Stop for a minute and turn off his voice in your head. Your momma didn't raise a damn fool. Does anything he says makes sense? What do you know caramelicious? What do you know? DO you treat anyone that you say you love like this? Is it right minded to bite the hand that feeds you? Harm the hand that feeds you? Right now you are feeding him and he's feeding on your spirit. HE IS A LIAR!!! YES YOU ARE WORTH KEEPING AND CHERISHING!!! Please don't let this evil sick man take your spirit, your youth, your beauty or your peace. HE WILL NEVER EVER GIVE IT BACK!!! Shore up. You know the things that he says, the crazy making **** that he says is not true! You know how to use logic, if it don't make sense it's cause there is non!!! No, it wasn't your fault. No, it wouldn't have been different had you done this rather than that. No, you didn't ask for it. No, you didn't not consider him enough, love him enough, or give him enough! If anything you have given too dang much!!! His words are poisin and they are a lie!!! Please babe, please get rid of this man. Walk away. Life is for living and you have so much ahead of you. Loose the dead weight. You are so worth it!!
Click to expand...

OMG, girl, PREACH!
I know there are many ladies that need to hear this.

Mzcaramelicious, I thank God that you were able to break free from this man and that you can completely severe all ties with him (no kids). I hope that you are surrounded by support back home. You are precious.
Click to expand...
 
Trudy said:
mzcaramelicious07, first I want to tell you that you are absolutely beautiful so don't believe that lie about how you look. They the abuser try to find any weakness and use it againts you all the time. I did the same thing you did. I married the abuser. I thought my love would be enough. I knew it on my wedding that that I shouldn't do it but I really loved this man and I think it will work. Wrong, so wrong. I been with him for over twenty years and I believe all the lies too but in the back of my mind I knew the truth. I went through it all being stranded, neglected,verbally and emotionally abused. I been physically abused even had to stay in a shelter but those conditions were so bad I went back to him. He tried to push me over the stairway banister in our house. I wouldn't have made it if he would have succeeded. I was so understress. I gained 160lbs in four years. I have anxiety and panic attacks. I have IBS and all kinds of emotional problems behind this relationship. I left but would always come back I couldn't get the help I needed. He finally left two weeks ago. He left. He got himself an apartment and I have freedom- a peace unlike I could ever imagine. Of course it has its limits I can only stay in my house for two years but I count each day as a blessing. I don't have to deal with him like that anymore. Oh he calls a lot almost everyday. Funny when he was living with me he ignore me. Walked right by and not say a word for days on end. It was a nightmare. So I say all this to say you are young and you have no real ties to him and it was the very best decision you could have ever made for your life. Thank God you did it. Don't ever ever go back. Its not about love its about power. I know you want him to love you and atleast try to want you back so that you can feel like he cared a little but its not about that. He's not responding in that way is another form of control. He knows you wanted to hear that so the opposite is all he has to offer. Every abuser has a certain angle. My husband refused to touch me for years or talk to me or provide any kind of emotional or finanical support. But he would come and pick me up at the airport. (weird) makes no sense and it never will. he would pick and choose what he would do and you would never know what or when. I am glad he is out of the house now divorcing him is the next step. My prayers are certainly with you and your new choices for your life. But you honestly did the right thing. I only wish I could have done it all those years ago.
Click to expand...

(((Trudy)))
God bless you and give you the strength to keep moving forward.
 
My prayers and with you.

You are doing a beautiful thing for yourself. You deserve happiness and love. The only place you can get that from is yourself. This step is showing yourself, other and God that you are valuing all that God has entrusted you with, a perfect mind, body and spirit that God made in his image. God Bless you...
 
I'm so proud of you. You have shown great courage and strength and faith in Him who truly loves you and cares for you. That was not love. You were the one who was freed. Thank God.
 
My heart goes to you MzC, you showed a lot of courage in walking away from this situation, hold on to the strength that helped you leave and remember that rebellion in your spirit against what he was trying to do to you, or make you into. He will be back in some way using all the tricks he knows to charm you, KNOW that he is not worthy of you, and he's had enough chances he doesn't need another. Something made you leave, that something knows your strength more than you do, you WILL get over this and be happy again. God bless you and good luck with everything.

eta: My heart goes out to all you ladies who shared your stories, you are all incredibly brave, more than u know, so many women don't or can't walk away until it's too late. Your stories will surely give strength and encouragement to other women who may be going through similar situations.

Iso
 
Last edited:
mzcaramelicious07 said:
Thank you so much ladies for encouragement. I have so many mixed emotions. I don't take marriage lightly and didn't EVER want to be divorced. When I mentioned divorce to him, he didn't apologize for anything, but told me that I am breaking the chains, setting him free, and to take my butt back to my hometown. Was I not worth even trying to keep?
Click to expand...

You are most definitely worth trying to keep so don't ever let that question enter your mind again. His pretending otherwise was just another way of him trying to break you down.
 
Wow five years together but the marriage didn't work after 7 months.:eek: I'm really confused but I'm glad you finally woke up.
 
s_terry said:
caramelicious, listen to me. THIS IS A SICK F***** MAN!!! This is exactly what he wants you to feel. I am looking at your pics this very minute and you are a beautiful girl! This man is weak! He tries to hide his weakness by fronting his control over your mind. HE IS A LIAR!!. Heneeds you more than you can ever need him. HE is so classic!! They beat your self esteem until you feel as worthless as he feels about himself! HE IS A LOSER!! Stop for a minute and turn off his voice in your head. Your momma didn't raise a damn fool. Does anything he says makes sense? What do you know caramelicious? What do you know? DO you treat anyone that you say you love like this? Is it right minded to bite the hand that feeds you? Harm the hand that feeds you? Right now you are feeding him and he's feeding on your spirit. HE IS A LIAR!!! YES YOU ARE WORTH KEEPING AND CHERISHING!!! Please don't let this evil sick man take your spirit, your youth, your beauty or your peace. HE WILL NEVER EVER GIVE IT BACK!!! Shore up. You know the things that he says, the crazy making **** that he says is not true! You know how to use logic, if it don't make sense it's cause there is non!!! No, it wasn't your fault. No, it wouldn't have been different had you done this rather than that. No, you didn't ask for it. No, you didn't not consider him enough, love him enough, or give him enough! If anything you have given too dang much!!! His words are poisin and they are a lie!!! Please babe, please get rid of this man. Walk away. Life is for living and you have so much ahead of you. Loose the dead weight. You are so worth it!!
Click to expand...
S_terry is right.

His saying those things to you after you announced your plans to divorce are SSDD. His knee jerk reaction with dealing with you is to do or say anything to cut you down. So of course his response would be to let loose with something abusive to make you question your worth. Its worked for 7 years. It would be dumb and out of character for him to suddenly fall to his knees, confess, apologize and beg forgiveness. In his eyes this is how your relationship works. The dynamics you’ve both created over its course.

So recognize that. You’re worth a lot in his eyes. Without you he would have to turn to another form of punishement. There’s something in him, in his soul that is severly damaged. And instead of dealing with it as an adult – he chooses to punish someone else…you. Your value to him is that with you there, he doesn’t have to be an adult. Like s_terry said – he’s a sick f&ck. And I’d bet hard hard money that his parents are equally sick.

I’m sad that you put up with this for so long. But I’m overjoyed that you’re getting out in time. And doing backflips that you don’t have kids with him. Someone has been watching out for you and nudging you in the right direction. Go home and surround yourself with people who love you – HEALTHY people.

Also, as some of the others have said, do not underestimate him. Recognize who you’re really dealing with. You said yourself that things escalated over the years. Don’t expect them to just subside. Be on guard. Let those healthy people who love you help watch your back. At least until you’re sure things have really calmed down.

Know that you have a lot of folks who are incredibly proud of you. We admire your strength.
 
Laginappe said:


S_terry is right.

His saying those things to you after you announced your plans to divorce are SSDD.....
Click to expand...

Ditto on all that Lag has said. One question: what does SSDD stand for?
 
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