Spinny: Married and divorced in 1 yr

[Farida]

On average, it takes 2-7 years for a married couple to get to the smooth section of their marriage. Not for everyone, but for many.

Which is why, people divorcing less than one year into it, shows they weren't cut out for marriage. I'm not talking about cases beyond the couple's control e.g. drugs, infidelity. I'm talking communication issues for the most part.

Now, I am one of those people who calls straight B.S. when people say they were with a person, especially LIVED with a person and they are now surprised by them barely a year into the marriage.

Studies show that couples who cohabit before marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who don't. My opinion is that it is because cohabitation allows you to keep this one foot in one foot out mentality, so you are willing to let things roll off your back because you know you can always leave. When you get married and how final everything is finally hits...even the little things suffocate you.

How people can give up a marriage without even trying counseling, when all the problems are internal, is beyond me. It is a HUGE commitment and it is hard work.

As for those who date forever, it is obvious to me that something kept them from saying I Do for however long, and now that thing is still an issue. Marriage doesn't make it go away and neither does pretending it isn't there.

 

[Zaynab]

I was just gonna mention something like this... so far, the situations mentioned in this thread all involve the couples either being together for a while first, or living together.

I wonder too if they never really worked on those problems before marriage because they "knew" they could always have a foot out the door and leave whenever they wanted (although they didn't). Then when it became for real, for real, they didn't know how to handle it.

I think in this case, it's obvious that he never took on the committment side of being in the relationship. Apparently, people that live together first are more susceptible to divorce for this very reason. They never got out of the ID/ME of the "single relationship" Although they were living together, he knew he wasn't "bound" to her and could bounce anytime.

 

[Zaynab]

On average, it takes 2-7 years for a married couple to get to the smooth section of their marriage. Not for everyone, but for many.


Studies show that couples who cohabit before marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who don't. My opinion is that it is because cohabitation allows you to keep this one foot in one foot out mentality, so you are willing to let things roll off your back because you know you can always leave. .

.

It took us about 6 years. We will be married 11 years next year and I swear,I swear I try to be honest with you all and everyone about that because no one told me that it took some years to just figure out how to even BE married. Things are 1000% different in the last half of our marriage.

ITA about the co-habitation thing and it's true, when you live together first, you're not as invested in the relationship mentally/emotionally and alot of people never mentally make the transition from "me to we". Because ultimately when you're living together, you may say you're "we" but it's you really "Me".

Anways - as he was talking about it, I thought back to that thread for advice on surviving the first year of marriage, there really needs to be a Mocha Manual on this if there isn't one already

Well my advice is probably not what folks want to hear but these men take the sex things seriously. Men show love through sex often times, so they feel when you reject them sexually, you are rejecting THEM. It's a major ego/respect blow to them. Now ya'lll laugh when I say this but the thing I figured it is they want sex,food and quiet time Anything else they say is fluff b/c they don't want you to think they are shallow. I don't know why that combo works but when I figured that out, my world changed. Dh and I don't even argue and I can get anything out of him.

My question for the married ladies - I know there is no set etched in stone timeline to this, but what do you do when you've been talking to your husband for days/weeks/months on end about things that ultimately are pivotal to your happiness and the success of the marriage, yet he shows no signs of improvement?

You have to change the way you ask. Women when we talk, we're too emotional,shrill, we cry,criticize...I'm telling you, I speak from experience. That only makes a man retreat more and do the very thing you're asking him NOT to do even more. You have to approach whatever issue in a completely different manner, if they feel criticized, attacked or disrespected, they're simply not gonna hear your issue. I don't care what women say, I know for a fact that 99% of the problems we have with our men is in the delivery.

 

[Bulletproof]

ITA about the co-habitation thing and it's true, when you live together first, you're not as invested in the relationship mentally/emotionally and alot of people never mentally make the transition from "me to we". Because ultimately when you're living together, you may say you're "we" but it's you really "Me".

Interesting thought here. As someone who has never been married but has/does cohabitate and is a staunch supporter of living together I can totally see how this could be true. Also I can understand how it could be detrimental to relationships in the manner you discussed.

Now I am not saying I will advocate against living together pre- marriage simply because I believe each situation is different, but I definitely see the relevance of the point you raised.

 

[MahoganyJazz]

I woulda cut him. Loser.

I was pregnant at the time as well, and it took everything in me not to! I was 38 HOT, and it takes a lot to get me to that point. If it weren't for my babies I probably would've stabbed him.

 

[JayAnn0513]

It took us about 6 years. We will be married 11 years next year and I swear,I swear I try to be honest with you all and everyone about that because no one told me that it took some years to just figure out how to even BE married. Things are 1000% different in the last half of our marriage.

ITA about the co-habitation thing and it's true, when you live together first, you're not as invested in the relationship mentally/emotionally and alot of people never mentally make the transition from "me to we". Because ultimately when you're living together, you may say you're "we" but it's you really "Me".



Well my advice is probably not what folks want to hear but these men take the sex things seriously. Men show love through sex often times, so they feel when you reject them sexually, you are rejecting THEM. It's a major ego/respect blow to them. Now ya'lll laugh when I say this but the thing I figured it is they want sex,food and quiet time Anything else they say is fluff b/c they don't want you to think they are shallow. I don't know why that combo works but when I figured that out, my world changed. Dh and I don't even argue and I can get anything out of him.



You have to change the way you ask. Women when we talk, we're too emotional,shrill, we cry,criticize...I'm telling you, I speak from experience. That only makes a man retreat more and do the very thing you're asking him NOT to do even more. You have to approach whatever issue in a completely different manner, if they feel criticized, attacked or disrespected, they're simply not gonna hear your issue. I don't care what women say, I know for a fact that 99% of the problems we have with our men is in the delivery.

Thanks is not enough. Women take heed! This is true in my marriage and the ones I see imploding around me. Keep talking to him stupid... he will get tired of it, and he will leave. And you will be left there wondering what the hell happened.

 

[Zaynab]

Thanks is not enough. Women take heed! This is true in my marriage and the ones I see imploding around me. Keep talking to him stupid... he will get tired of it, and he will leave. And you will be left there wondering what the hell happened.

That's when they start saying you're talking to them like a little kid or you're their mamaWhat they mean is they don't feel like you're talking to them, but you're talking "at"them. Men have this major need to respected as men.

 

[biancaelyse]

In my marriage, the very 1st year was the hardest but it got better after that. I had a very hard time getting used to being married. Looking back, I was selfish and immature in a lot of ways.

We had pre-marital counseling and our church at the time also recommended post marital counseling and I am very thankful that we utilized that as well.

 

[JayAnn0513]

That's when they start saying you're talking to them like a little kid or you're their mamaWhat they mean is they don't feel like you're talking to them, but you're talking "at"them. Men have this major need to respected as men.

Do you know what else I have found? My parents divorced when I was young so I really had no idea how wife was supposed to talk to a husband until my mom remarried when I was in high school. I watched her some and other happliy married people and how they interected with their men. You will not see most of them going talking crazy to their husbands.

 

[biancaelyse]

That's when they start saying you're talking to them like a little kid or you're their mamaWhat they mean is they don't feel like you're talking to them, but you're talking "at"them. Men have this major need to respected as men.

Yes this is so true. I had to learn how to stop fighting to win and how to focus on choosing my battles wisely and looking more long term.

Do you know what else I have found? My parents divorced when I was young so I really had no idea how wife was supposed to talk to a husband until my mom remarried when I was in high school. I watched her some and other happliy married people and how they interected with their men. You will not see most of them going talking crazy to their husbands.

This is true. You have to be careful who you folllow and emulate. Some women talk crazy and wonder why their men leave for some less attractive women. It's usally about how she treats him vs what she looks like.

 

[Honi]

A couple who dated for 22 years were married in May (the pictures I posted of the wedding I went to with DH) and they are divorcing. BLEW MY MIND!!

Sheesh! So are they gonna go back to dating? I mean what the hell happened? I guess it was better that they dated then huh?

 

[Black Ambrosia]

I guess I don't understand the coloring issues in the first year of marriage. Shouldn't you still be going at it like rabbits? Maybe not if you dated for 22 years but I would think the average couple would still be on the same page when it comes to relations, unless one of them was lying when they were dating.

I have a good friend that was divorced after about 6 months of marriage. (Coloring was not the issue.) They both had their issues but he wasn't committed to counseling and doing what it takes to make it work so they divorced. I used to think that anyone married for that short a time was just irresponsible and immature. Now I don't know.

I have a male friend that is fully committed to his marriage "til death do them part" but he is miserable. They went through counseling and things improved some but I think he has come to realize that she is not the one for him. They've been married for 2 years but I don't think the "extra" time has served them as he was considering divorce at the 1 year anniversary. Its painful to watch someone be that unhappy and the other person doing their own thing (not cheating - just not giving a darn).

 

[winterinatl]

I suggested counseling to them - but he feels that they are beyond the point of reconciliation. He's like "She'll say anything to get back together, but she won't follow through with her promises".

He had made little small comments about how unsatisfied he was for a long while now, but I never felt comfy having that type of discussion with him because he was married.

He told me that he was so unsatisfied that he just stopped having sex with her altogether.

She seems so nice too. I think he felt pressured into getting married though. What a waste.

Well you know what, when he's out there by himself eating hot pockets and ALONE and OLD and when someone finally tells him his old behind arse is OLD then maybe he'll look back and decide he might have been satisfied after all.

I really feel some type of way about these comments. Dudes now days really expect for us to open up 24/7 and its ridiculous (no pun intended). Especially if she's good in every other way.

I'll bet you he's not satisfied but probably he's not satisified WITH HIMSELF and is projecting his lack of satisfaction on his wife. If he really loved her, himself and his marriage he would not make this just about sex.

I wonder if she makes more money than him or something, or if he even wanted to commit.....

 

[septemberbaby]

I really think there is something about that 5 year mark. No one told me about it, most people say "oh, the first year is the hardest". I think it takes the first 5 years to really work through all the major issues and to go through enough ups and downs to really solidify the marriage bond I've been married 13 years now and I definitely remember how smooth things started to run after year 5.

On average, it takes 2-7 years for a married couple to get to the smooth section of their marriage. Not for everyone, but for many.

Which is why, people divorcing less than one year into it, shows they weren't cut out for marriage. I'm not talking about cases beyond the couple's control e.g. drugs, infidelity. I'm talking communication issues for the most part.

Now, I am one of those people who calls straight B.S. when people say they were with a person, especially LIVED with a person and they are now surprised by them barely a year into the marriage.

Studies show that couples who cohabit before marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who don't. My opinion is that it is because cohabitation allows you to keep this one foot in one foot out mentality, so you are willing to let things roll off your back because you know you can always leave. When you get married and how final everything is finally hits...even the little things suffocate you.

How people can give up a marriage without even trying counseling, when all the problems are internal, is beyond me. It is a HUGE commitment and it is hard work.

As for those who date forever, it is obvious to me that something kept them from saying I Do for however long, and now that thing is still an issue. Marriage doesn't make it go away and neither does pretending it isn't there.

It took us 7 years. It's sooooooooooooo much better now and we're both much, much happier these days. I can actually say that I love being married now. Before I just wanted out!

It took us about 6 years. We will be married 11 years next year and I swear,I swear I try to be honest with you all and everyone about that because no one told me that it took some years to just figure out how to even BE married. Things are 1000% different in the last half of our marriage.

ITA about the co-habitation thing and it's true, when you live together first, you're not as invested in the relationship mentally/emotionally and alot of people never mentally make the transition from "me to we". Because ultimately when you're living together, you may say you're "we" but it's you really "Me".



Well my advice is probably not what folks want to hear but these men take the sex things seriously. Men show love through sex often times, so they feel when you reject them sexually, you are rejecting THEM. It's a major ego/respect blow to them. Now ya'lll laugh when I say this but the thing I figured it is they want sex,food and quiet time Anything else they say is fluff b/c they don't want you to think they are shallow. I don't know why that combo works but when I figured that out, my world changed. Dh and I don't even argue and I can get anything out of him.

I remember you saying that here a dozen times, lol.

You have to change the way you ask. Women when we talk, we're too emotional,shrill, we cry,criticize...I'm telling you, I speak from experience. That only makes a man retreat more and do the very thing you're asking him NOT to do even more. You have to approach whatever issue in a completely different manner, if they feel criticized, attacked or disrespected, they're simply not gonna hear your issue. I don't care what women say, I know for a fact that 99% of the problems we have with our men is in the delivery.

yessssssssssss

That's when they start saying you're talking to them like a little kid or you're their mamaWhat they mean is they don't feel like you're talking to them, but you're talking "at"them. Men have this major need to respected as men.

So true! We're even told that in the bible Ephesians 5:33 "the wife should have deep respect for her husband." If you don't respect him, it's not going to work.

In my marriage, the very 1st year was the hardest but it got better after that. I had a very hard time getting used to being married. Looking back, I was selfish and immature in a lot of ways.

We had pre-marital counseling and our church at the time also recommended post marital counseling and I am very thankful that we utilized that as well.

That was me too. I was never happy, satisfied, talking to dh crazy, acting a fool trying to "do me" to be happy but made myself more miserable. It only made matters worse. When he saw that I was SERIOUS about changing and working on our marriage, that's when he started working with me.

Do you know what else I have found? My parents divorced when I was young so I really had no idea how wife was supposed to talk to a husband until my mom remarried when I was in high school. I watched her some and other happliy married people and how they interected with their men. You will not see most of them going talking crazy to their husbands.

Yes this is so true. I had to learn how to stop fighting to win and how to focus on choosing my battles wisely and looking more long term.



This is true. You have to be careful who you folllow and emulate. Some women talk crazy and wonder why their men leave for some less attractive women. It's usally about how she treats him vs what she looks like.

Agreed! So, so true.

You have to give them your undivided attention to when they are talking to you. Whatever it is: their day, cars , sports , etc. They love that.