Spinny: Married and divorced in 1 yr

[Determined22]

I have a friend who lived with his wife for a couple years prior to their marriage & everything was happy. She got pregnant in their first year of marriage. And then she came home one day and said "I dont want this, I dont want to be married to you anymore, I want a divorce". He couldn't believe it cause it came out of nowhere. Basically, marriage wasn't what she thought it would be (I guess she expected the fairytale happily-ever-after) and she wanted out.

Just sad all the way around...especially for the baby...

 

[inthepink]

Let's speak in hypotheticals.....


Let's say hypothetically that there is a guy from my corp office that used to come to my site monthly for meetings. He got married earlier this year and is having an affair with our receptionist - hypothetically. Whenever he travels to my location, he always comes to town a few days early and the receptionist calls in sick .

He had a dirty message on his company blackberry from the receptionist and his wife found it. She started e-mailing and calling the receptionist. The idiot receptionist calls in an IT ticket to have the wife's e-mail blocked and the cat is let out of the bag and dude gets fired.

His wife left him too and they are getting divorced hypothetically.

Hypothetically speaking, that is crazy!

 

[naturalmanenyc]

Communication is key in marriage. I do not like to repeat myself but I do always tell DH about things that are bothering me right away. It typically takes 1 - 2 conversations. I think it only takes 2 conversations sometimes because I do not always pick the right moment to raise things i.e., during a basketball game.

I personally do not wait weeks or months to address issues that I feel are pivotal to our marriage. DH once left work to come home to discuss an issue that was bothering him. It was resolved that day.

Aight ...after plugging all that into my handy dandy Madea translation machine, I agree with you 100% and pretty much told him the same thing.

IMO, it's really a punk move to just throw in the towel after 1 yr. There was just that one thing that stuck with me, and it was question on how long should he continue to talk, bed and plead without seeing any results?

My question for the married ladies - I know there is no set etched in stone timeline to this, but what do you do when you've been talking to your husband for days/weeks/months on end about things that ultimately are pivotal to your happiness and the success of the marriage, yet he shows no signs of improvement?

 

[dlewis]

So she was already big when they got married? if you married me at 185 then don't all of a sudden feel like that's too fat for you and I'm not sexy to you anymore. I really plan on staying as close to my marriage weight as possible, with some consideration for pregnancy. Now if she gained weight that fast she should be ashamed of herself.

No, she wasn't. She went straight from her mother house to her husbands house. Her mom watched what she ate because she knew the girl took after her father. If she doesn't watch what she eats she would be huge and bad built. When she married she was a size 4 and since the summer she looks to be at least a 12. Everytime I see her she has a package of oreos to herself. Her fathers people are BIG people, I'm talking women look like they're 500-600 pounds plus.

Off to walk my mile.

 

[dlewis]

Let's speak in hypotheticals.....


Let's say hypothetically that there is a guy from my corp office that used to come to my site monthly for meetings. He got married earlier this year and is having an affair with our receptionist - hypothetically. Whenever he travels to my location, he always comes to town a few days early and the receptionist calls in sick .

He had a dirty message on his company blackberry from the receptionist and his wife found it. She started e-mailing and calling the receptionist. The idiot receptionist calls in an IT ticket to have the wife's e-mail blocked and the cat is let out of the bag and dude gets fired.

His wife left him too and they are getting divorced hypothetically.

 

[TCatt86]

No, she wasn't. She went straight from her mother house to her husbands house. Her mom watched what she ate because she knew the girl took after her father. If she doesn't watch what she eats she would be huge and bad built. When she married she was a size 4 and since the summer she looks to be at least a 12. Everytime I see her she has a package of oreos to herself. Her fathers people are BIG people, I'm talking women look like they're 500-600 pounds plus.

Off to walk my mile.

Ok now that's a damn shame...She shouldn't let herself go like that and that quickly?!? A 4 to a 12 in months is a really big jump.

Enjoy your walk and take pics of pretty things!!!

 

[taz007]

I have an acquaintance who was married for ......................

30 days

He ended up having a drug problem that EVERYONE saw except for her.

 

[JustKiya]

Aight ...after plugging all that into my handy dandy Madea translation machine, I agree with you 100% and pretty much told him the same thing.

IMO, it's really a punk move to just throw in the towel after 1 yr. There was just that one thing that stuck with me, and it was question on how long should he continue to talk, bed and plead without seeing any results?

My question for the married ladies - I know there is no set etched in stone timeline to this, but what do you do when you've been talking to your husband for days/weeks/months on end about things that ultimately are pivotal to your happiness and the success of the marriage, yet he shows no signs of improvement?

It depends. It really, really, depends. It depends on what is being asked. It depends on the individuals rate of change (some people can change fast, some people can change slow). It depends on the root cause of the issue, and whether either party is aware of the root cause. It depends on how much progress is being made.

DH and I had major, major, major issues around sex for the first couple of years of our relationship. If he felt about marriage the way homeboy in the OP does, we would have been long divorced. However, he feels about marriage the same way I do - marriage is fo' life - and at the point we got married, we made an oath to each other to work through all our ****.

It took us almost 5 years to get through our issues, but once we did - on both sides - it's been smooth sailing. And it's made our marriage so much stronger. Would things have been easier if we had just tossed up our hands and said fark it? I'm sure. Would it have been worth it? Doubtful.

The biggest lie ever told to folks is that marriage is easy. Dating is easy. Marriage is work - some of the most rewarding yet difficult work you'll ever do, next to parenthood. *kisses teeth* Tis another reason I'm real big on people getting married before they become parents - if you can't create a strong, stable relationship with another adult, if you can't put in the work that is needed - with an individual who can actually articulate their desires - you might have some issues that really need to be addressed before you enter a relationship with a helpless child.

 

[Lady Esquire]

DH's neice, who's coming to visit for Xmas by the way, was married for 1 month. Met him her college freshman year. She got pregnant her junior year, moved to his side of town and into his place, got married during her 9th month and divorced about 30 days later. The baby was barely one month old.

Why? Because he got some other chick pregnant, and he claimed he'd rather be with the new girl. As she was moving out, the other chick was moving in.

 

[Proudpiscean]

Aight ...after plugging all that into my handy dandy Madea translation machine, I agree with you 100% and pretty much told him the same thing.

IMO, it's really a punk move to just throw in the towel after 1 yr. There was just that one thing that stuck with me, and it was question on how long should he continue to talk, bed and plead without seeing any results?

My question for the married ladies - I know there is no set etched in stone timeline to this, but what do you do when you've been talking to your husband for days/weeks/months on end about things that ultimately are pivotal to your happiness and the success of the marriage, yet he shows no signs of improvement?

Me thinks he's experiencing some "grass is greener on the other side" phenomenon and he's trying to cut his losses. He's probably thinking "I'm looking at another 50 years of this!?" and it's just not appleaing to him.
Now, he's dead wrong IMO because it takes two in the bedroom. Maybe he just ain't doing it fo her either, but they should've know this during the TWO YEARS they were living together. Homeboy, sounds selfish as hayle.

There is a LOT more to this story and I'm just glad they haven't brought any kids into this mess. Now that I think about, they probably should just go ahead and get divorced before they do bring children into the mix. smdh.

I'm not married so I cannot answer the bold, but I would love to hear answers from some married ladies on here too.

 

[MuziqizLyfe]

<snip>

It took us almost 5 years to get through our issues, but once we did - on both sides - it's been smooth sailing. And it's made our marriage so much stronger. Would things have been easier if we had just tossed up our hands and said fark it? I'm sure. Would it have been worth it? Doubtful.

The biggest lie ever told to folks is that marriage is easy. Dating is easy. Marriage is work - some of the most rewarding yet difficult work you'll ever do, next to parenthood. *kisses teeth* Tis another reason I'm real big on people getting married before they become parents - if you can't create a strong, stable relationship with another adult, if you can't put in the work that is needed - with an individual who can actually articulate their desires - you might have some issues that really need to be addressed before you enter a relationship with a helpless child.

I really think there is something about that 5 year mark. No one told me about it, most people say "oh, the first year is the hardest". I think it takes the first 5 years to really work through all the major issues and to go through enough ups and downs to really solidify the marriage bond I've been married 13 years now and I definitely remember how smooth things started to run after year 5.

 

[chocolat79]

Communication is key in marriage. I do not like to repeat myself but I do always tell DH about things that are bothering me right away. It typically takes 1 - 2 conversations. I think it only takes 2 conversations sometimes because I do not always pick the right moment to raise things i.e., during a basketball game.

I personally do not wait weeks or months to address issues that I feel are pivotal to our marriage. DH once left work to come home to discuss an issue that was bothering him. It was resolved that day.

ITA! I think people are so caught up in GETTING MARRIED (or for some men, trying NOT to) that they forget to focus on BEING MARRIED.

Couples HAVE to communicate about their wants, needs, expectations. Also, like Bunny77 said, most of these examples that were given were of people who had been together a while OR living together. Sometimes, people just don't want to start over. They feel like at least they know that person's problems and that's ok to an extent. But, when you're unhappy and you're not married or something is not right and you know that you can't live with that, NOTHING will change once you're married. If they are messy, not initiating sex, don't put the toilet seat down BEFORE you get married, assume they're not going to start AFTER the marriage. It seems like people always think THE PERSON changes when you get married. Things do change, but not the people, UNLESS they want to and even then it's still work in progress. Just saying...people need to start looking at the signs and opening their mouths about what they want and need and if they are not met, then keep it moving. People either are too scared or too complacent, then you get married and don't even KNOW the person because no one wanted to ask and observe. Just sad really...

 

[dlewis]

It depends. It really, really, depends. It depends on what is being asked. It depends on the individuals rate of change (some people can change fast, some people can change slow). It depends on the root cause of the issue, and whether either party is aware of the root cause. It depends on how much progress is being made.


It took us almost 5 years to get through our issues, but once we did - on both sides - it's been smooth sailing. And it's made our marriage so much stronger. Would things have been easier if we had just tossed up our hands and said fark it? I'm sure. Would it have been worth it? Doubtful.

It took about 7 for us.

 

[JustKiya]

I really think there is something about that 5 year mark. No one told me about it, most people say "oh, the first year is the hardest". I think it takes the first 5 years to really work through all the major issues and to go through enough ups and downs to really solidify the marriage bond I've been married 13 years now and I definitely remember how smooth things started to run after year 5.

I really think that's the point at which there has been enough 'working together' that you've got a better handle on what things really matter, what things don't really matter, and most importantly - you can see the difference between what you envisioned your marriage to be - and what it actually is.

We all grow up with images of what marriage is 'supposed' to be like, and I really believe that five year period is the time of shedding expectations (or refirming them) and coming together as a truly 'teamed' couple.

 

[JayAnn0513]

Aight ...after plugging all that into my handy dandy Madea translation machine, I agree with you 100% and pretty much told him the same thing.

IMO, it's really a punk move to just throw in the towel after 1 yr. There was just that one thing that stuck with me, and it was question on how long should he continue to talk, bed and plead without seeing any results?

My question for the married ladies - I know there is no set etched in stone timeline to this, but what do you do when you've been talking to your husband for days/weeks/months on end about things that ultimately are pivotal to your happiness and the success of the marriage, yet he shows no signs of improvement?[/QUOTE]

That is hard to say. Thankfully I have never been in that position. One one hand I do not believe in asking people to change who they are. In regards to the couple in the OP, the wife is messy. So what? I mean really if you hate it that much clean up after her, get her a maid, or pretend not to see it. I don't know anyone who went from messy to clean becasue someone asked to.

 

[exoticmommie]

That happens in the military so much, that it ain't even funny. It's kinda the norm. DH is his friends at work have gotten to counting on how long it will last...

 

[mrselle]

A former co-worker of mine went through a similar situation. They spent more time separated as a married couple than they did living together as a married couple. In their case, I think they got married way too soon. They didn’t know each other very long before he proposed and when he did propose she wasn’t the only woman he was seeing. In fact, he asked another woman to marry him and she said no, so he moved on to someone who said yes. His story is the same too. Shortly after they got married she “changed”. I wasn’t in their home, but I’m willing to bet my paycheck it didn’t have anything to do with her changing. Neither one of them were ready for the amount of time and commitment it takes to make a marriage work.

 

[Rastafarai]

Communication is key in marriage. I do not like to repeat myself but I do always tell DH about things that are bothering me right away. It typically takes 1 - 2 conversations. I think it only takes 2 conversations sometimes because I do not always pick the right moment to raise things i.e., during a basketball game.

In reference to communication, what if you communicated something that requires a change in his approach, behavior or actions...would your DH be open to such?

I agree communication is key but folks are SO stubborn nowadays. You tell them one thing and it falls on deaf ears. Would you say part of communication is compromising, even if that meant altering your ways/actions to please your better half?

 

[JustKiya]

In reference to communication, what if you communicated something that requires a change in his approach, behavior or actions...would your DH be open to such?

I agree communication is key but folks are SO stubborn nowadays. You tell them one thing and it falls on deaf ears. Would you say part of communication is compromising, even if that meant altering your ways/actions to please your better half?

Definitely. It doesn't make sense to communicate on something that is an issue if you (both of you!) aren't willing to change to resolve the issue. And sometimes compromise means that neither of you get exactly what you want - meeting in the middle, so to speak. And sometimes, compromise isn't possible - and one person has to either accept they ain't gonna get their way, or be willing to walk.

 

[MahoganyJazz]

I have a friend who was married for...

13 days!!!

They were already planning their wedding and she found out she was pregnant. They decided to get married sooner so she could have adequate health insurance. They got into a stupid argument about her sick bunny rabbit, and he hit her.... Yes, while she was pregnant, and almost 2 weeks after they had got married. Unfortunately she lost the baby 2 months later at 26 weeks. He didn't even show up to the hospital, sorry a$$hole. Ironically, he is the one who filed for divorce... WHILE SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. But trust me, she was getting her money together to pay for one. Her attorney actually gave her a discounted fee after she lost her daughter. To make matters worse, he demanded the death certificate of the baby because he thought she was hiding her. Bastard.

I know all of this because I was there, so please don't take this story as hearsay.

 

[ommns]

I am not married, but I never understood the concept of people marrying one another thinking that once they got married, they thought the other would "change" for the better.

Isn't that a big gamble to take on a "hope"? And the "change" you are looking for shouldn't that come before you marry?

When I hear people mention this "change" thing, I often wonder if they convey the issues they have with their mates or do they tell their girlfriends instead? Because if bro man is a slob M-F and you get married on Saturday, I can gurantee he will be a slob on Sunday, he will just be a married slob.

 

[Almaz]

Okay now you have to tell us now dayum what happened give us a hint

I really can't say and yall know I tell everything but I can't say about this.

 

[Lucie]

Although working in and out of the house is hard work, on top of being a wife, mother, et cetera, if she is not sexually pleasing him, she is probably turned off to him. When a man doesn't make you feel like an appreciated woman, coloring is the last thing on your mind.

 

[Sui Topi]

Thats crazy dlewis, they were dating as long as I've been alive. They have been together since '87, do they really know how to be without each other at this point?

That is my life span so far........



For us it was after the first year that things got easier.

 

[jamaicalovely]

I have a friend who was married for...

13 days!!!

They were already planning their wedding and she found out she was pregnant. They decided to get married sooner so she could have adequate health insurance. They got into a stupid argument about her sick bunny rabbit, and he hit her.... Yes, while she was pregnant, and almost 2 weeks after they had got married. Unfortunately she lost the baby 2 months later at 26 weeks. He didn't even show up to the hospital, sorry a$$hole. Ironically, he is the one who filed for divorce... WHILE SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. But trust me, she was getting her money together to pay for one. Her attorney actually gave her a discounted fee after she lost her daughter. To make matters worse, he demanded the death certificate of the baby because he thought she was hiding her. Bastard.

I know all of this because I was there, so please don't take this story as hearsay.

I woulda cut him. Loser.

Although working in and out of the house is hard work, on top of being a wife, mother, et cetera, if she is not sexually pleasing him, she is probably turned off to him. When a man doesn't make you feel like an appreciated woman, coloring is the last thing on your mind.

You're absolutely right, Lucie.

 

[msdeevee]

Marriage is throw away to many people if it don't work out I can get a divorce is the main reasoning going into a lot of unions so why bother to try and work it out .

I used to work with a woman that was getting married , we gave her a shower on the job the whole nine. This chick went on vacation for two weeks for her wedding and honeymoon . This woman comes back to work from the honeymoon talking about they were divorcing. This happened a few years ago but I'm still waiting for that explanation.

 

[jada1111]

They lived together for two years and she changed that much? I'm thinking there's more to the story...

Most definitely. He's not telling everything. Two years was more than enough time to know a person if you're living with them.

 

[Mortons]

People who decide to hash out issues after they are engaged or married are extraordinarily insecure and immature. Why wait that long to tell someone that something is bothering you? The only thing I can think of is they are afraid of being left, and want to do the leaving if it comes to that.

 

[sunshinebeautiful]

Although working in and out of the house is hard work, on top of being a wife, mother, et cetera, if she is not sexually pleasing him, she is probably turned off to him. When a man doesn't make you feel like an appreciated woman, coloring is the last thing on your mind.

I agree with this. I wonder if dude in the OP understands this. Most men don't seem to get it.

 

[AnitaTheLengths]

Your friends story just doesn't add up. I highly doubt she magically changed after the wedding. And why is he confiding all this in you? Did you two trade sex tales when he was single? I seriously doubt he hasn't had sex with his wife in 6 months if they're still living under the same roof, messy home or not! There's a lot more to the story but stay out of it. Wish him luck in his marriage and tell him that you'd prefer to keep the conversation off topics like marriage, sex and divorce. What ever happened to talking about the weather, politics, or sports?

I know a girl who met a man, got married, had a baby, lost her good paying job where she worked 8+ years, because of him AND got divorced all within the same 365 day calendar year. There is all kinds of scandal and drama wrapped around that whole tale...I would LOVE to tell it, tell it, tell it but I must remain for her family's sake. Not that I care diddly about her because she can't WHOOP MY _SS and it's common knowledge anyways. She is my arch enemy - I am her nemesis. I CANNOT stand her but I wouldn't have wished that on her. In the end, turns out homey is gay! erplexed