How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!

[DarkJoy]

Lawd I can totally relate @DarkJoy. They converse with you just to be snarky. Am I the only one who thinks it's hilarious?

I think it depends on the depth of the relationship you have/had with them.

A lifelong spouse or parent you gotta deal with for 10, 30, 50 years? ehhh...nooo.... I could probably blow off a sibling and certainly 'friends'.

And dont be really unlucky have a narc who beats to get their point across. Physical abuse can be part of their repertoire. Probably not so laughable then.

 

[fasika]

I just wrote a long reply through the App, but it vanished into thin air.

Anyway, this thread has really rattled me. I just left a job after just 4 months because I couldn't tolerate the working conditions and my boss (who is the owner of the company). I thought he had a mental illness or something, because he was off the rails in every way, but how you guys are describing these men is exactly how he is. I'm really really glad I left when I did, because he was getting started on his abuse.

The entire place is a huge mess, he is so erratic and so hot and cold that he chases away everyone. The average employee stays just 3 MONTHS before GTFOH, that's how insane it is!!

Unfortunately, young female employees seem to be particularly vulnerable to him - those between 22 and 25, mostly. Those who stay past 2 weeks (yes, about 50% of new hires quit within the first 2 weeks, mostly males), tend to stay for 2-3 years (some for 5+ years, if their dealings with him are minimal).

A couple of girls had been there for over 2 years when I was there, and they cried at work at least once a week . They've both left now, but they always used to say that he had some type of hold on them that would prevent them from leaving. He would be nice to them for the first 2 or 3 months on the job, then he would start the abuse. He would crush their self-esteem so much, then just as they are on the verge of quitting, he gives them a positive comment. This tiny positive reinforcement, this crumb, would make them stay longer - it was almost like they are so grateful for his positive attention that they stay in order to get more. He had become their everything.

Both of them had submitted at least 2 resignation letters and then ended up staying afterwards. Their families were begging them to quit over and over because they could see the psychological damage unfolding, but they just. couldn't. leave. erplexed

He also loves humiliating people so much. At work, he loves berating more senior employees in front of their subordinates. WTH erplexed.

One woman who works there is actually his partner. She apparently used to be his secretary, before they got together. They have 2 kids together, they live together, etc. She is so far out of his league lookswise, that it's not even funny. But the poor woman always seemed to be dead behind the eyes. She just has that blank look about her.
He apparently berates her constantly too. When out at work or social events (like hotel cocktails with the elite of the city), he relishes correcting people who refer to her as his wife. He says "she's not my wife, she's my sex partner." Can you imagine?? She's right there when he says that. We are in conservative Ethiopia, so imagine how shocking it is for everyone to witness this kind of thing. I mean, it would be shocking in any country, but much more so here. He just loves it?!

Urgh, I'm just sooooo glad I left. He was trying to pull the same thing with me but I didn't fall for it. I told him about himself before leaving, but I wish I knew about this personality disorder because I would have told him to go visit a shrink. He was a grade A arsehole!


eta: I just recalled one incidence where he blew his lid for a freaking petty reason. He was reading through a document the team had prepared, and he found one misplaced comma. ONE. He was apoplectic with rage. Literally screaming so hard that a vein was visible on his forehead. All he was screaming was how incompetent we are, how we make him suffer, etc. Then he marched out of the office and went into the lobby. However, we didn't hear the elevator so we were like . As in, did this fool fly out the window or what?? So we send one volunteer to go check things out. The guy tiptoes out, and peeps that the boss was LYING ON THE FLOOR spreadeagle, in front of the elevator. . He came back to tell us, but we all were like, whatevs, and we continued working. Keep in mind this is like at 11pm on a Friday, we don't get overtime pay, plus we'll be working at least until 2-3am, before returning to work on Saturday at 8:30am until past midnight. So yeah, we didn't give a fluck anymore. Eventually, after like 30 minutes, we hear the 'ding' of the elevator as he leaves.

The next morning, he came into the office and was like "you guys are so inconsiderate and cruel! You didn't even come check on me after how mad you made me. What if you'd given me a heart attack? Don't you have any compassion??"

 

[eyunka]

My DH says this all the time everything in a game to him and he will win at any cost.

Everytime I come back in this thread my emotions get the best of me I just wanted to add something again... everything is a game to them including you and me.

 

[eyunka]

Many of you know my mom moved in with me and she had some idea of the things that went on in my house but boy is she getting the full picture now. My mom is the sweetest person you'll know She says "Eyunka I don't know how you have done it this long. In my earlier years i would have cut him up into little pieces and put the pieces in different garbage bags and each day drop a bag off at a different location." She was so dead serious.

But honestly guys i realized something last night I often viewed myself as weak but from reading some of the post where relatives were literally driven crazy, I'm bipolar and I'm stilll here despite all the mess i go through with him. I'm still here, so yay for me

 

[LiftedUp]

I think I had a narcissist friend. He behaved so odd and I kept wondering what was it. He would repeat the same thing over and over that I have a serious expression (duh anyone who looks at me can see this) and I told him he was beating a dead horse. Yet he would tell me this and laugh at least once per week. I just ignored it. Then he would make fun of how I said certain words. I told him that I had an accent yet (again the obvious) yet he would mention it over and over when I say a word.

He would bad talk his then gf/ex because he expected wife privileges from her when she was only a gf. He broke up with her when she was 29 on purpose (imo) when he knew she wanted marriage and she invested 5 years in the relationship.

He stopped talking to me and deleted me off of all forms of social media after I refused his romantic advances and began responding to his crap like a robot. Conversing with him was taking too much energy so I just gave robotic responses.

Now he has reemerged in my life and has begun sending me messages on another social network. He takes selfies that do not look like him irl and keeps changing his status and messaging me as if he wants me to comment on them. He would say "Hi", when I respond he would wait about 5 hours after and say "how are you". I overheard him telling someone that he doesn't respond to messages right away. He does so when he's good and ready. Yet he initiated the conversation.

Anyway, after our last conversation like that, I just labelled him as in need of attention that I cannot give and blocked and deleted him. However, reading this thread has me wondering if he is a narcissist.

He is highly educated and comes from deep family issues. He was basically abandoned by his parents and sent to live with family who treated him like the step child. I came to the conclusion that his childhood may be the root of his grown issues but I wonder if it manifested into this.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I think I had a narcissist friend. He behaved so odd and I kept wondering what was it. He would repeat the same thing over and over that I have a serious expression (duh anyone who looks at me can see this) and I told him he was beating a dead horse. Yet he would tell me this and laugh at least once per week. I just ignored it. Then he would make fun of how I said certain words. I told him that I had an accent yet (again the obvious) yet he would mention it over and over when I say a word.

He would bad talk his then gf/ex because he expected wife privileges from her when she was only a gf. He broke up with her when she was 29 on purpose (imo) when he knew she wanted marriage and she invested 5 years in the relationship.

He stopped talking to me and deleted me off of all forms of social media after I refused his romantic advances and began responding to his crap like a robot. Conversing with him was taking too much energy so I just gave robotic responses.

Now he has reemerged in my life and has begun sending me messages on another social network. He takes selfies that do not look like him irl and keeps changing his status and messaging me as if he wants me to comment on them. He would say "Hi", when I respond he would wait about 5 hours after and say "how are you". I overheard him telling someone that he doesn't respond to messages right away. He does so when he's good and ready. Yet he initiated the conversation.

Anyway, after our last conversation like that, I just labelled him as in need of attention that I cannot give and blocked and deleted him. However, reading this thread has me wondering if he is a narcissist.

He is highly educated and comes from deep family issues. He was basically abandoned by his parents and sent to live with family who treated him like the step child. I came to the conclusion that his childhood may be the root of his grown issues but I wonder if it manifested into this.

The bolded is so cruel wow. I hope she found the ONE for her eventually. He did her a favor.

The 2nd bolded is pretty much the recipe for Narcisissm.

The way you described him and his other antics made me laugh. Initiate contact then when you get a response, you wait to respond like they are the ones who sought you out first. How pathetic

 

[LiftedUp]

The bolded is so cruel wow. I hope she found the ONE for her eventually. He did her a favor.

The 2nd bolded is pretty much the recipe for Narcisissm.

The way you described him and his other antics made me laugh. Initiate contact then when you get a response, you wait to respond like they are the ones who sought you out first. How pathetic

Yes, I really thought I was going crazy until I couldn't take it anymore and decided to stop being nice and block him.

From the gf's end they're back together. I'm not sure about his end. It was clear that she wanted to get married before 30 and she invested a lot of time in the relationship. Plus she put up with his "special" personality.

 

[kweenameena]

My mom is a narc. She is still alive but even when I'm around her...I often feel motherless. I just want to give you all examples of the craziness that has now started.
Lately, she's been abusing prescription painkillers. She watched DD this weekend. Mom told me that the police pulled her over for reckless driving because she was sleepy. DD told me that mom took pills (prednisone), drank alcohol, and then said she was going to the store. DD said as she was pulling out the driveway, she swiped a tree and quite a few bushes. DD also said that the police told her that she hit the guard rail, and almost hit 2 cars. My mom called DD a liar and said that she doesn't want her around anymore. I went off on mom and I've also disowned her. She almost killed my baby. DD is 9, btw.

Mom also called to apologize for the brutal beatings she gave me as a child. I thought we were having a break thru. I even cried. Things seemed amazingly pleasant. My therapist asked if it was sincere and I was offended. I thought my therapist was just being a Negative Nelly. Welp, my mom ended up telling me I deserved every beating because I was mouthy as a child.

Although this is all hurtful, I honestly feel numb to it.
Therapy has began to help me establish boundaries and see things for what they are. I used to think a lot of what I put up with was just normal.
I excused bad behavior. I found the good in people and clung to it in spite of how bad they treated me. Therapy has helped me take folk off their pedestals, put myself first, and recognize toxic people. And I've only been to 3 sessions.

Get help ladies

 

[Lucie]

kweenameena ((((HUGS))))

I am so happy you are seeing someone you can share your feelings with. I am just so thrilled your DD is okay. WOW! I noticed with the narc I was dealing with he would do things to hurt me and come out the victim. Like wow! How can you hurt someone and than be upset they are hurt/hurting? SMH!

And it seems they are so Jekyll and Hyde. One moment they are remorseful then they are blaming you for their poor decisions and behavior. I know how you feel. I have excused the behavior but I realize the only thing to do is cut off all interaction or limit it to preserve my sanity and esteem.

Xoxoxoxoxo to you boo.

 

[Evolving78]

The bolded is so cruel wow. I hope she found the ONE for her eventually. He did her a favor.

The 2nd bolded is pretty much the recipe for Narcisissm.

The way you described him and his other antics made me laugh. Initiate contact then when you get a response, you wait to respond like they are the ones who sought you out first. How pathetic

that contact stuff really bothered me. i reread t several times. and waiting until that woman was 29. he purposed dragged her along, discarded her, thinking in his head she is damaged goods and she is on time constraints now that she is approaching 30! that sounds like a sociopath.

 

[DarkJoy]

kweenameena! You survived a lot and that says much for your inner strength.

Therapy is crucial in dealing with the legacy of a narc parent. Glad you are doing this. Sending you strong vibes of healing.

 

[hopeful]

kweenameena thank you so much for sharing your story (((hugs)))

Your beautiful story is just beginning. I'm so glad that you have found a good therapist.

 

[hopeful]

My mom did not beat me but I often have felt motherless too. She is more absent and unprotective. Her lack of mothering was more subtle and it took me years to see it because she always seemed so nice to me. It took therapy to see that I saw her through rose-tinted glasses because she was so much better than my abusive, alcoholic father. She was all I had. During therapy I decided to ask my daughters what they thought of my mom. They both said that she was not that nice and was selfish and did not appreciate me. I asked the therapist why they were able to see her so clearly. She said it was because they were raised by me and my husband. They have/had present, protective parents .

My entire life my mother has been sweet with her words but inactive. Whenever I was troubled and needed help she would hug me or show some type of empathy but would never take any action. I internalized that to mean I was not worth the effort. When I grew up and tried to discuss the abuse I suffered at my father's hands she would listen for a little and then change the subject to her and how hard her life was. So we'd talk about me for say 10 minutes and an hour about her, poor her. When friends were cruel to me she never took my side. She would say oh poor her and show empathy towards the person who hurt me and act as though me feeling hurt was wrong. Growing up with a mother like that and a father who actively took and abused and hurt left me very messed up. Are they narcs? Idk.

I just know they hurt me and I had to raise and heal myself. The hardest part has been forgiving. Not forgiving as in condoning but as in understanding their humanness, accepting that life can throw us hard balls and that there is nothing they can do to heal me, accepting that only I can do that. Father has been dead for years. Mother is old and I have set up really nice boundaries but I will never get the empathy and protection I crave/craved from her. Just letting go and in turn accepting my imperfections. It's a life-long journey I believe.

I am grateful for progress. I no longer suffer from depression. I no longer wake screaming in the middle of the night. I am healing and discovering who I am.

Sending love and God's grace and mercy to all of you .

 

[hopeful]

One of my big challenges is learning healthy narcissism. I am coming to terms with that. So afraid of being narcissistic, I can be neglectful of myself, my needs, my feelings, and focus too much on others. I am trying really hard to find that healthy balance. Nearly every day I have to remind myself that I, my needs, my wishes, my desires matter and should be tended to.

ETA: the fear comes from wanting so badly to not be like them and yet because I was their child I fear having that predisposition (even though I have never shown that trait and so intellectually know it's an irrational fear) and because I know how much harm that brings I am determined to not be like them. Also the treatment tells you that your needs are always secondary too. Hope that makes sense.

 

[SincerelyJane]

One of my big challenges is learning healthy narcissism. I am coming to terms with that. So afraid of being narcissistic, I can be neglectful of myself, my needs, my feelings, and focus too much on others. I am trying really hard to find that healthy balance. Nearly every day I have to remind myself that I, my needs, my wishes, my desires matter and should be tended to.

ETA: the fear comes from wanting so badly to not be like them and yet because I was their child I fear having that predisposition (even though I have never shown that trait and so intellectually know it's an irrational fear) and because I know how much harm that brings I am determined to not be like them. Also the treatment tells you that your needs are always secondary too. Hope that makes sense.

Interesting you say that. Reading this thread kind of freaked me out and I took an online test. I don't know that I actually have NPD but I do score pretty highly in several narcissistic traits. It was a shock to me. All this time I thought that I thought I was awesome because I'm awesome, not because I'm narcissistic. Its highly likely that I am not nearly as awesome as I think I am. It threw me into a little bit of a crisis.

I think it can be a healthy trait for women in relationships, but like anything else there are pros and cons. I read this and I thought it gave good perspective on narc women as relationship partners from the outside looking in:

http://www.girlschase.com/content/dating-narcissistic-and-egotistical-women

I found it scarily accurate.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ I like to think of it as healthy boundaries and self regard rather than narcissism. My point of strength is when I'm in relationships because I want to be or I'm doing things because I have chosen to do them. Not because of the drama, guilt trips, angry expectations, etc. other people are throwing at me because I'm not doing what they want.

And that isn't just coming from narcissists. Unfortunately there is no shortage of garden variety nuts, drama queens/kings, users, and emotional vampires who drain the people around them. My family considers me a hard arse B because I refuse to be used. I give what I feel is right in my heart, but I don't capitulate to manipulation. And while they talk crap about me, they also begrudgingly respect me and I have had to learn that begrudging respect beats manipulative love any day of the week.

 

[DarkJoy]

That was so poignant hopeful. Thanks for sharing that.

I share those same qualities hopeful talks about as a result of narc parenting. Total self neglect to care for and dare-I-say be co-dependent for other disordered people in a massive effort to not become a narc. It was so bad, physical illness resulted often and also depression, anxiety, the whole nine. Fighting disorder with disorder(s) is no-bueno.

It's still a struggle with my own kid to not give so much I'm sick and not sleeping which does happen from time to time. It's better tho.

Therapy was a big help and basically taking a wrecking ball to my entire social circle was a major step. It took me being completely alone for a while to understand how toxic my entire life was because of that toxic beginning.

My choices are healthier now. And anyone still living with the legacy, you will find that as you awaken to your own needs and boundaries your life will make a complete change as well.

God Bless us all in this struggle.

 

[Tamrin]

Most Narcissists do not know they are. But when you listen to them and pay attention oh boy.

SincerelyJane that site omg is so right. I have met some and the best thing to do is to cut off communication and contact.

 

[hopeful]

Thank you DarkJoy. I was the same with my children for years. My daughters were in shock at first when I started giving less, which was still more than many. But it's balance. Giving too much can be almost as harmful as giving too little. They wonder why you don't trust them to figure things out themselves, feel guilty for having so much more than their friends, wonder why you are so protective so they fear the world must be really scary and horrible. I slip up too sometimes but I am much better now and they and I are better for it. One therapist told me that your daughters may like being spoiled and having their way but they also see you suffer and are being taught that when they grow up they must suffer too .

 

[*~*Afrolicious*~*]

I just want to say this is like group therapy for survivors and I'm thankful that the OP created this thread.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I just want to say this is like group therapy for survivors and I'm thankful that the OP created this thread.

Amen, if I had realized how helpful this would have been, I would have started it last year when I was going through it heavily. I even alluded to my troubles in the marriage thread. But it never occurred to me to start a thread on it. I just searched for a narc support board. Thank you so much op. Needless to say when it was started I flew in here (all I needed to see was the word NARCISSIST ) I've been attached ever since. My situation was so bad some very lovely posters were pm-ing me with support and to this day still check up on me. I love y'all. My overall word for today....GRATEFUL.

 

[SophieDulce]

Thank you for this thread!!!!

 

[Evolving78]

My mom did not beat me but I often have felt motherless too. She is more absent and unprotective. Her lack of mothering was more subtle and it took me years to see it because she always seemed so nice to me. It took therapy to see that I saw her through rose-tinted glasses because she was so much better than my abusive, alcoholic father. She was all I had. During therapy I decided to ask my daughters what they thought of my mom. They both said that she was not that nice and was selfish and did not appreciate me. I asked the therapist why they were able to see her so clearly. She said it was because they were raised by me and my husband. They have/had present, protective parents .

My entire life my mother has been sweet with her words but inactive. Whenever I was troubled and needed help she would hug me or show some type of empathy but would never take any action. I internalized that to mean I was not worth the effort. When I grew up and tried to discuss the abuse I suffered at my father's hands she would listen for a little and then change the subject to her and how hard her life was. So we'd talk about me for say 10 minutes and an hour about her, poor her. When friends were cruel to me she never took my side. She would say oh poor her and show empathy towards the person who hurt me and act as though me feeling hurt was wrong. Growing up with a mother like that and a father who actively took and abused and hurt left me very messed up. Are they narcs? Idk.

I just know they hurt me and I had to raise and heal myself. The hardest part has been forgiving. Not forgiving as in condoning but as in understanding their humanness, accepting that life can throw us hard balls and that there is nothing they can do to heal me, accepting that only I can do that. Father has been dead for years. Mother is old and I have set up really nice boundaries but I will never get the empathy and protection I crave/craved from her. Just letting go and in turn accepting my imperfections. It's a life-long journey I believe.

I am grateful for progress. I no longer suffer from depression. I no longer wake screaming in the middle of the night. I am healing and discovering who I am.

Sending love and God's grace and mercy to all of you .

What actions did you want her to take? What was she not doing? It seems she would go into mentally protective mode for herself. Helping you would mean having to face and deal with what was going on. I have someone that feels my children and I are constant reminders of their assumed failure in life. So instead of healing, dealing, and coming to terms with it, they just act like we don't exist to a degree. He pays his support, but that is it. All of what I am going through, I really need him for his children. Yesterday was so hard for me. Thank God I have my mother. I crave what you crave. I crave support, empathy,
Etc... I don't like having to play games to get it. I am very angry at the person right now, but he doesn't know it. No since running and crying to him about things that are going on. He is like, "well its your fault I am not there." I am being punished. My kids are being punished for me not sticking it out. I gave up and now we all have to suffer.

 

[ChasingBliss]

What actions did you want her to take? What was she not doing? It seems she would go into mentally protective mode for herself. Helping you would mean having to face and deal with what was going on. I have someone that feels my children and I are constant reminders of their assumed failure in life. So instead of healing, dealing, and coming to terms with it, they just act like we don't exist to a degree. He pays his support, but that is it. All of what I am going through, I really need him for his children. Yesterday was so hard for me. Thank God I have my mother. I crave what you crave. I crave support, empathy,
Etc... I don't like having to play games to get it. I am very angry at the person right now, but he doesn't know it. No since running and crying to him about things that are going on. He is like, "well its your fault I am not there." I am being punished. My kids are being punished for me not sticking it out. I gave up and now we all have to suffer.

(((((HUGS)))))) I may not have experienced your exact circumstances, but I know the depths of that type of frustration...needing the person to see what they WONT see. You ask yourself are they really not seeing it, or are they seeing it and withholding to make you suffer. It's like a petrified coat of steel around their heart.

All I can say is let go. Let go of your anger and all the dibilitating emotions. Dont let their stick up their butt become your stick. The way I have learned to do it is by placing more value on my happiness and sanity than on the warped ways of the other. Sit down and write out everything you want and need emotional then commence to providing it for yourself. We are our number one supporters. We need to be there for ourselves.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ Great advice. This also reminds me of something that Iyanla says, "forgiveness is giving up the hope that things (or people) could be any different then they were or are." More and more I see the truth of that advice.

 

[hopeful]

shortdub78 I am so sorry about your situation. I know it is painful. I will send you a pm with more details about my situation. Give me a few days. I just wrote out a really long pm and accidentally deleted it. I should know by now to never write anything too long on my iPhone. (((Hugs))) to you.

 

[hopeful]

ChasingBliss

I couldn't have said it better. Thank you. This is the stage I am at now. Forgiveness and letting go. Letting go of victimhood. Focusing on me and what I can do vs. them and what they should do or should have done. It's a tough row to ***, not easy at all, but necessary. And it's freeing. But healing comes in stages. There's a point where you have to be angry and vent. Stages where you have to cry and mourn too.

 

[eyunka]

Oh wow I love this. Its a great way to look at forgiveness because i really struggle to forgive. I hold on and hold on. My mom says forgiveness is for you not the other person but i always looked at it if i forgave then its like the other person got over on me, i did nothing in return but Iyanla's advice is so much easier to swallow.

^^^ Great advice. This also reminds me of something that Iyanla says, "forgiveness is giving up the hope that things (or people) could be any different then they were or are." More and more I see the truth of that advice.

 

[Evolving78]

ChasingBliss

I couldn't have said it better. Thank you. This is the stage I am at now. Forgiveness and letting go. Letting go of victimhood. Focusing on me and what I can do vs. them and what they should do or should have done. It's a tough row to ***, not easy at all, but necessary. And it's freeing. But healing comes in stages. There's a point where you have to be angry and vent. Stages where you have to cry and mourn too.

I don't want to be a victim. I felt like one yesterday. I got somebody so consumed with their pitiful life and I am dealing with some issues that should be of their concern. Claiming they are depressed, can't get on with their life! They are free! Nobody is in their way. They have nobody to deal with. If I mess up, it all falls on me and I am pissed about that! If I die, who will my babies go to?

 

[Evolving78]

^^^ Great advice. This also reminds me of something that Iyanla says, "forgiveness is giving up the hope that things (or people) could be any different then they were or are." More and more I see the truth of that advice.

This will be my journey this year. I am letting go. I am taking baby steps. I'm mad as heck right now, but I won't run to them and cry about it. Just do what I can do to make the situation better.