How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!

ChasingBliss said:
How did the relationship end? ....if you don't mind me asking.
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I found out his really weird porn addiction went beyond his hundreds hidden of dvds. We had a very unusual sexual relationship (non existent). I had a feeling he went through something in youth so I was patient. Every time I mentioned topic blame would be put on me " im used to lots of bj's etc....and I use to just call girls over for sex etc.......you are different throwing it on me.

The fact was I never been with a man (40 years old) that had no idea of how to pleasure a women. It was awkward. I just thought it was inexperience....

Discovered recorded videos of him having sex with prostitutes and strippers on his computer......... He was somewhat voilent in the recordings. I guess doing all of the things he learned from his videos.


There is so much more lol.
 
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This thread hits close to home because my mother has full blown npd she is also bi polar. I didn't know until recently I just always thought she was crazy and dramatic.
 
While I hate what some of us have gone through, it's somewhat comforting to know that some of the ladies here understand what it feels like to be in this type of union with someone who has these tendencies. I am grateful that dh does not have some of the more drastic symptoms of narc like cheating (as far as I know) laziness, etc. I mostly see these disgusting traits like zero empathy and excessive anger during our disagreements. I've told him this before. "When you get angry, it's like you vomit on the person all your aggression" and it's sometimes so disproportionate to the perceived offense.
We are so very different when it comes to anger. I can move through something fairly quickly. I am not a grudge holder...as long as we can talk it out, I'm good. He on the other hand, needs to spew, yell, go silent, shut all communication down, then come back and deal. While I respect this in the average human being....I don't understand when it is done over a slight.
But again, thank God he recognizes and works on himself. He is a good man, strong, ambitious and generous and loyal. I cannot and will not take that away from him. However, anger kills my spirit. I needed for that to start changing. But I had to understand that he has to want that. I can't force it on him.

Anyway that's my share for the day. I'm not exactly comfortable putting this out there but I too want people to understand and see they are not alone in this.

Some of us opt to stay in our relationships weighing the pros and cons of course. What greatly helps is our partners willingness to look inside themselves and do the work in order to maintain their relationships. I'm grateful for that. And I understand I have my own work to do as well...
 
Layluh said:
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/04/how-to-spot-a-narcissist/ Here's a really good article on narcissism. Based on that article, DH is a scientist and uses that as a guise to explain why he's devoid of feelings, empathy and hates non-linear things. The article also goes on to explain at what age the narcissist became stuck in their thinking. From observing DH, it was probably pretty young as his dad got inolved in drugs when he was like 6. This plays itself out in several ways: -He once got mad at me for not pan-searing his chicken. If his food isn't prepared exactly the way he wants it with extra mushrooms & bell peppers then he'll go off. So he cooks his own food now. -He once went off on me & said some sick disgusting things because I don't encourage him to workout. This was an issue for quite a while. So I eventually told him motivation should come from within...if you dont workout its because you don't want to. LOL but don't blame it on me. -He judges pretty much everyone he comes into contact with. Someone is always either a ***, an idiot, imbecile, a racist, or something. It's like well sheesh...is there anything you like about ANYBODY?! lmao. I can laugh about it now because I'm operating from a place of love & I really desire to help people now. Now that I know what love is, I can be light hearted about a lot of things. The thing about narcisissm is that it's really not that big of a deal. They gave it this crazy label and act like its incurable. I previously had borderline personality disorder which they say is incurable too. Child it ain't nothing but some childhood issues that need to be resolved. You can either: re-program yourself through hypnosis (which is what I did) or do subconscious alignment (I did this too) There may be other ways but I wouldn't recommend going to a shrink.
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Layluh Thanks for this.

I also give the side eye to a lot of what happens with psychologists and therapists. Why do you advise not to go to one?

As for the topic, there are a lot of men who have this challenge A LOT. But I'm trying to figure out how narcissism is different then just being an abusive jerk.
 
ambergirl said:
Layluh Thanks for this.

I also give the side eye to a lot of what happens with psychologists and therapists. Why do you advise not to go to one?

As for the topic, there are a lot of men who have this challenge A LOT. But I'm trying to figure out how narcissism is different then just being an abusive jerk.
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All narcissist are jerks but not all jerks are narcissist.
You can be a jerk and not have
-a grandiose sense of self.
-a total lack/disregard of boundaries.
-extremely charming and manipulative.
-hypersensitivity to insults real or imagined.
-detest for those that do not admire them.
-inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
-difficulty maintaining personal relationships.
-magical thinking
-abnormal sense of entitlement
-vulnerability to shame rather than guilt.****This is huge but most narcissist will never admit it.
 
I've also learned to take emotion out the of the equations. Most times they want to get some type of emotion out of you. When I began to remain calm because lawd knows he got every emotion out of me i began to see him get frustrated and desperate. I viewed it like a chess move. he would so something to get a rise out i me. I react a certain way usually calm (chess move) and he would counter act with another chess move. Now he has kinda calmed down. Everything a Narc does is a calculated move for something in the future. I never take his kind gesture as a kind gesture i know better. Matter or fact i ask him to stop doing things because i don't want to feel like im obligated to do something for you later on
Layluh said:
DH is a narc. I just stopped allowing excuses to come from his mouth. I ignore all objections that come from his mouth. I don't engage in any energy sucking activities such as creating problems out of thin air.

I just told him look no ones forcing you to be here so you can leave anytime you want. Matta fact, I welcome your departure. He's definitely changing & becoming more appreciative. I still welcome his departure though. lol

One thing that I'm able to throw in his face is business cause he's in the midst of starting a business. Since i'm already a business developer & study business daily, I tell him you can NOT start a business with the messed up attitude you have. People have the internet and they're gonna know you're a ishtty person with just one google search so you better refine yourself. Or you're gonna have to keep starting over & over & over again...just as you have been doing all these years and will do after our relationship is over.

It's like dealing with a child cause they were never taught right. I'da been gone already but my names on the lease. Womp.

OK vent over.

I attracted him because he filled a void that was in me. I've been told I was dumb all my life & hence didnt love myself. SO he filled that need.

The best way to not attract one is to constantly refine yourself and learn what love is. Through him, I discovered love. I know what it talks like, sounds like, acts like, looks like.... I got love down pat.

So after this, I won't be able to tolerate anyone who doesn't know what love is.
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Layluh said:
@eyunka yeees! isn't it crazy how that works?! DH started calling me a stoic so I researched the topic & created a youtube series about it lol. It definitely describes me to a T and probably you too.

@ambergirl Through personal experience with friends & my mom. Therapists/Psychiatrists never really seem to fix anything. They get paid to shut up & listen or put you on drugs. There are things that people neeeed to hear about themselves, if they're truly ready to do the internal work.

I don't like getting caught up in the label of borderline personality disorder, narcissist or what have you because it makes people research the label & not themselves. A lot of mental illness stems from destructive childhood programs we've received. And is really an issue of integrating past programs (or your subconscious) into your present via reprogramming yourself, or simply just asking yourself questions.

This is something I'm really passionate about & I have a blog about it too. If anyone is interested, PM me and i'll send you a link.
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Layluh I like your thinking style.

Also I would like to add that some therapists dont even like working with narc because their improvement rate is practically zero. Ive even read some say that most of the time narcs get therapy on only wind up improving their narc skills by learning more about emotions, empathy and compassion in order to use it for their gain especially in the idealizing phase of the relationship.

A narc has to be willing to uncover that child he buried and nuture it back to life. But they've created a new person who is perfect in every way, that is what they present to the world and we feed them through ample narcisisstic supply. They rely on it, they depend on it. Without it, they are nothing.
 
Wow I think my cousin is a Narcissist. She only talks to people (including family) when she needs something from them, after she gets it, she disappears. She's been doing this forever. I haven't heard from her in a few months and she won't respond to my texts (I already know this, so I don't try anymore)...but once she needs something, she'll pop up like 'Hey! let's hang!' like everything is normal.

She may just need someone to talk to, it's as simple as that, but if she already has that, she won't contact me.

The only thing is she does not seem self centered, but if you are around her a lot, you can pick up vibes of it.
 
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@Layluh
Off to google :yep:

ETA: Yes that is how i had to learn to act. My insides were going crazy but on the outside i remained calm as a cucumber

Layluh said:
@eyunka yeees! isn't it crazy how that works?! DH started calling me a stoic so I researched the topic & created a youtube series about it lol. It definitely describes me to a T and probably you too.

@ambergirl Through personal experience with friends & my mom. Therapists/Psychiatrists never really seem to fix anything. They get paid to shut up & listen or put you on drugs. There are things that people neeeed to hear about themselves, if they're truly ready to do the internal work.

I don't like getting caught up in the label of borderline personality disorder, narcissist or what have you because it makes people research the label & not themselves. A lot of mental illness stems from destructive childhood programs we've received. And is really an issue of integrating past programs (or your subconscious) into your present via reprogramming yourself, or simply just asking yourself questions.

This is something I'm really passionate about & I have a blog about it too. If anyone is interested, PM me and i'll send you a link.
Click to expand...
 
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Layluh said:
eyunka yeees! isn't it crazy how that works?! DH started calling me a stoic so I researched the topic & created a youtube series about it lol. It definitely describes me to a T and probably you too. ambergirl Through personal experience with friends & my mom. Therapists/Psychiatrists never really seem to fix anything. They get paid to shut up & listen or put you on drugs. There are things that people neeeed to hear about themselves, if they're truly ready to do the internal work. I don't like getting caught up in the label of borderline personality disorder, narcissist or what have you because it makes people research the label & not themselves. A lot of mental illness stems from destructive childhood programs we've received. And is really an issue of integrating past programs (or your subconscious) into your present via reprogramming yourself, or simply just asking yourself questions. This is something I'm really passionate about & I have a blog about it too. If anyone is interested, PM me and i'll send you a link.
Click to expand...

Yes! I've been skeptical of therapy for years and more and more people are recognizing that some therapy is almost as destructive as the issue people are dealing with because it keeps them stuck. Last year NYT finally did a magazine article on this.
 
ambergirl said:
Yes! I've been skeptical of therapy for years and more and more people are recognizing that some therapy is almost as destructive as the issue people are dealing with because it keeps them stuck. Last year NYT finally did a magazine article on this.
Click to expand...

Do you have a link? Or remember enough of the titlr so I can google?

____________
*.~.*Sent from a distant Galaxy in the Unicorn-verse*.~.*
 
There are so many things I want to say but this thread just triggers me in ways that I can't handle.

Self-love is the key to not attracting or falling for narcissists. Self-love is your cure for you.
 
God_Favor said:
I found out his really weird porn addiction went beyond his hundreds hidden of dvds. We had a very unusual sexual relationship (non existent). I had a feeling he went through something in youth so I was patient. Every time I mentioned topic blame would be put on me " im used to lots of bj's etc....and I use to just call girls over for sex etc.......you are different throwing it on me.

The fact was I never been with a man (40 years old) that had no idea of how to pleasure a women. It was awkward. I just thought it was inexperience....

Discovered recorded videos of him having sex with prostitutes and strippers on his computer......... He was somewhat voilent in the recordings. I guess doing all of the things he learned from his videos.


There is so much more lol.
Click to expand...

What?!?! So he blew you off because he was used to being with them?!?! Why would he record it? To see himself on screen? I was blown when I read that.
 
Nelli04 said:
Wow I think my cousin is a Narcissist. She only talks to people (including family) when she needs something from them, after she gets it, she disappears. She's been doing this forever. I haven't heard from her in a few months and she won't respond to my texts (I already know this, so I don't try anymore)...but once she needs something, she'll pop up like 'Hey! let's hang!' like everything is normal.

She may just need someone to talk to, it's as simple as that, but if she already has that, she won't contact me.

The only thing is she does not seem self centered, but if you are around her a lot, you can pick up vibes of it.
Click to expand...

That describes half my family lol! :lol:
 
God_Favor said:
I found out his really weird porn addiction went beyond his hundreds hidden of dvds. We had a very unusual sexual relationship (non existent). I had a feeling he went through something in youth so I was patient. Every time I mentioned topic blame would be put on me " im used to lots of bj's etc....and I use to just call girls over for sex etc.......you are different throwing it on me.

The fact was I never been with a man (40 years old) that had no idea of how to pleasure a women. It was awkward. I just thought it was inexperience....

Discovered recorded videos of him having sex with prostitutes and strippers on his computer......... He was somewhat voilent in the recordings. I guess doing all of the things he learned from his videos.


There is so much more lol.
Click to expand...

We must know the same person.:nono: These types are really sick, they do not have the ability to emotionally connect with a woman and truly see them as objects.
 
Holla said:
What?!?! So he blew you off because he was used to being with them?!?! Why would he record it? To see himself on screen? I was blown when I read that.
Click to expand...

Yes. We would be at dinner and all of a sudden " see you dont do the things use to" and the look in his eyes as he said it made me sick. My reply would always be "your touch inspires nothing". Although I played it off and just fought venom w/ venom, I was crushed.

Once we moved in threw away all the porn, but through snopping I found his long list of videos he kept in his handwriting...we talked about it and he said the porn chicks are the other women blah, blah... I stayed and didnt find videos until about a year later....

He was like was 2 people. A noted scholar, we traveled across the USA for his various speaking engagements... chess and jazz guru... could be very lind and gentle...socially awarded but, managed to fit in...but the sick and evilness within made him a very dangerous person. Selfishness was so unbelievable, that I thought I was crazy. A drag out argument could occur over something as simple as "I didnt walk fast enough " . He would make me so angry I couldn't think straight. Days he would shut down and then come back around flowers in hand like nothing happened...u ntill the next time I didn't fall into his definition of "truth"...Ladies im just know settling in my new life with out him. I am happy and so grateful. I have finally learned to just be and enjoy every moment! !
 
God_Favor said:
Yes. We would be at dinner and all of a sudden " see you dont do the things use to" and the look in his eyes as he said it made me sick. My reply would always be "your touch inspires nothing". Although I played it off and just fought venom w/ venom, I was crushed.

Once we moved in threw away all the porn, but through snopping I found his long list of videos he kept in his handwriting...we talked about it and he said the porn chicks are the other women blah, blah... I stayed and didnt find videos until about a year later....

He was like was 2 people. A noted scholar, we traveled across the USA for his various speaking engagements... chess and jazz guru... could be very lind and gentle...socially awarded but, managed to fit in...but the sick and evilness within made him a very dangerous person. Selfishness was so unbelievable, that I thought I was crazy. A drag out argument could occur over something as simple as "I didnt walk fast enough " . He would make me so angry I couldn't think straight. Days he would shut down and then come back around flowers in hand like nothing happened...u ntill the next time I didn't fall into his definition of "truth"...Ladies im just know settling in my new life with out him. I am happy and so grateful. I have finally learned to just be and enjoy every moment! !
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Dang....this dude must get around...sounds just like the one I had to deal with :lol:

What's troubling is that they are charming and manipulative, nice and purposefully cruel, constantly spouting higher truth, knowledge, beauty but never holding themselves to the same standard as you.

Congrats on dumping this dude...
 
ambergirl said:
Dang....this dude must get around...sounds just like the one I had to deal with :lol:

What's troubling is that they are charming and manipulative, nice and purposefully cruel, constantly spouting higher truth, knowledge, beauty but never holding themselves to the same standard as you.

Congrats on dumping this dude...
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You hit the nail on the head! This is how I would clearly explain his sick crazy butt lol
 
One last thing on dealing with these fools.

What was hard for me to decipher was that this highly educated, very successful, compassionate, charming, gentle, spiritual, thoughtful man could turn into a nasty, demeaning, undermining, purposefully hateful and hurtful person. Getting criticized for how you tie your coat belt, the way you walk (yep I got that one too), the way you laugh, the way you talk, is so hurtful because it's so personal...and then minutes later back to smiling, laughing, joking, etc.

It took me time to process what was really happening because I took his criticisms more seriously then I would have from the average fool because obviously this wonderful man must be seeing something in me that I'm not seeing.

Once you're out of it you realize that the whole thing was orchestrated to belittle, manipulate, control.
 
ambergirl said:
One last thing on dealing with these fools.

What was hard for me to decipher was that this highly educated, very successful, compassionate, charming, gentle, spiritual, thoughtful man could turn into a nasty, demeaning, undermining, purposefully hateful and hurtful person. Getting criticized for how you tie your coat belt, the way you walk (yep I got that one too), the way you laugh, the way you talk, is so hurtful because it's so personal...and then minutes later back to smiling, laughing, joking, etc.

It took me time to process what was really happening because I took his criticisms more seriously then I would have from the average fool because obviously this wonderful man must be seeing something in me that I'm not seeing.

Once you're out of it you realize that the whole thing was orchestrated to belittle, manipulate, control.
Click to expand...

Wow, I cant believe other ladies experienced these. He would really turn cold and evil over the smallest things. A huge one was if I forgot and use the top lock and he had to knock to get in. The entire evening would be ruined.

Funny thing is he forgot and did it alllll the time, and would answer with a huge smile and a big cheerful " im sorry baby, please dont be mad!!". I turned just as mean as him and would make something so simple a big deal just to show him how it felt. He taught me to be mean.
 
God_Favor The flowers thing remind me of my brother. My sil found out about his affair. She was so hurt because she had taken all his crap and was suicidal at one point and he still had the nerve to cheat. (He was constantly looking for new victims male friends, women to cheat with, employees,family members, etc....)
Anywho the next morning he brought her a cake from Walmart and some flowers. When she didn't jump for joy and forgive him instantly he went ham! Yelling, screaming, breaking things, crying, pitying himself, calling her names, saying she was stupid and ungrateful, listing all the things he had done for her and what she doesn't do for him. It went on for hours. She finally just forgave him so he would stop.:nono:
He never hit her, but the things he put that woman through was like a horror story.I was actually happy when she left him for good.
 
God_Favor said:
Wow, I cant believe other ladies experienced these. He would really turn cold and evil over the smallest things. A huge one was if I forgot and use the top lock and he had to knock to get in. The entire evening would be ruined.

Funny thing is he forgot and did it alllll the time, and would answer with a huge smile and a big cheerful " im sorry baby, please dont be mad!!". I turned just as mean as him and would make something so simple a big deal just to show him how it felt. He taught me to be mean.
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awww ::hugs:: I know this all too well. I'm so happy to have saved my mind from that torture.


ambergirl "One last thing on dealing with these fools.

What was hard for me to decipher was that this highly educated, very successful, compassionate, charming, gentle, spiritual, thoughtful man could turn into a nasty, demeaning, undermining, purposefully hateful and hurtful person. Getting criticized for how you tie your coat belt, the way you walk (yep I got that one too), the way you laugh, the way you talk, is so hurtful because it's so personal...and then minutes later back to smiling, laughing, joking, etc.

It took me time to process what was really happening because I took his criticisms more seriously then I would have from the average fool because obviously this wonderful man must be seeing something in me that I'm not seeing.

Once you're out of it you realize that the whole thing was orchestrated to belittle, manipulate, control."

I'm sorry..lmao the bolded killed me.
 
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Oh yeah God_Favor I dated a guy like the one you described. He was a 33rd degree freemason (and the youngest & fastest rising in the state of Tx) with a PhD too. Grew up in a veerrrrry strange household. I think he had to do something strange for a lil piece of change to rise through those ranks that fast. But that's another topic.

Glad I got the heck up outta there.
 
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