How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!

[Evolving78]

Layluh I like your thinking style.

Also I would like to add that some therapists dont even like working with narc because their improvement rate is practically zero. Ive even read some say that most of the time narcs get therapy on only wind up improving their narc skills by learning more about emotions, empathy and compassion in order to use it for their gain especially in the idealizing phase of the relationship.

A narc has to be willing to uncover that child he buried and nuture it back to life. But they've created a new person who is perfect in every way, that is what they present to the world and we feed them through ample narcisisstic supply. They rely on it, they depend on it. Without it, they are nothing.

Ok this makes sense. I just thought these people were incurable. I got a sociopath and a narc in my life and they are the most draining people I have ever come across. I got a close relative that is a narcissist too. All have went through some very traumatic childhood experiences. And none of them have really dealt with it. They hurt from it daily, but they bury the pain. They make everyone else feel miserable and crazy all at the same time. One minute, I am a loser who can't add anything to the relationship. Next, I am the love of his life. They say and do the most screwed up crap, but they don't leave you alone. Just vampires, zombies eating you alive.

 

[The Girl]

Question to those who have been in relationships with these guys: What was he like during the courtship? I am really feeling weird after reading the comments and watching some of the videos...

 

[eyunka]

The Girl
He is what you need him to be if that makes sense. He does exactly what is required to get you to like/love/want etc him

Question to those who have been in relationships with these guys: What was he like during the courtship? I am really feeling weird after reading the comments and watching some of the videos...

 

[The Girl]

@The Girl
He is what you need him to be if that makes sense. He does exactly what is required to get you to like/love/want etc him

@eyunka...that's what I was thinkinhg...like you don't know you have one until it's too late?

 

[bluevalentine]

@The Girl
He is what you need him to be if that makes sense. He does exactly what is required to get you to like/love/want etc him

This was my exact experience. I was dealing with what i THINK was a covert narcissist (a wolf in sheep's clothing). He was everything I needed in the beginning, very loving, did everything right i couldn't ask for a better man. But as time went on I started to see the narc in him come out, but it was too late because i had already fallen in love which made it hard to end the relationship. He was very selfish, very delusional, grandiose, and never took the blame for his own failures. He was the ultimate manipulator, and to this day still tries to manipulate me to get me to react to his behavior (good or bad). I finally went no contact on him because that's the only way I could get rid of him.

There were, however, red flags that I should have paid more attention to but I had to learn the hard way, unfortunately.

Here's a video on covert narcissists... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vi6GT8TMm8

 

[God_Favor]

The Girl
He is what you need him to be if that makes sense. He does exactly what is required to get you to like/love/want etc him

It was heaven. Like something from a novel. He confessed his feelings very quickly... It was a red flag but the all the dates were so planned out and dreamy.. it was not until the 3rd month of dating he stopped planning elaborate 3 parts dates. Once he got an art gallery owner to open just for use with a candlelight dinner there at gallery ....

He is a writer so he had a certain allure and mystery to him and the well thought out dates made it seem so beautiful lol


Eta:: sorry I replied to wrong qoute, this was my answer to how he was in the beginning...

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

And if you really want your mind blown, check out borderline personality disorder.

 

[ChasingBliss]

@eyunka...that's what I was thinkinhg...like you don't know you have one until it's too late?

Oh the red flags are there.....if you keep your eyes free and clear if rosey glasses. He may get angry over something that is very small.....often. At first it won't be directed to you because you're still being idealized. He may speak about people and the bad situations they get in with no empathy or compassion, everything that happens to a person is their own fault no matter what it is.

They pay attention to everything you do and listen to everything you say FOR A REASON. They notice everything.

He is very interesting to listen to initially because he always seems to have a higher truth thinking than the rest of us on the planet.
They read a lot especially the cerebral narc, they know everything about everything. It's crazy.

When he speaks of his past, you begin to assess that nothing that ever went wrong is his fault it's everyone else's. Yet when he does take responsibility for the demise of a relationship, it was to save himself..he has to be the hero (even his own) who comes out on top in all his stories.

A lot of this will fascinate you until it starts to turn in your direction. Until you start to see a pattern and you're thinking this is too weird. Where is the human element in this person? the softer side?

Oh and most women to these these types are whores or undercover whores who put up fronts. To them women are extremely manipulate. They usually have a special disdain for most women except YOU of course.... until you piss them off.... I could go on and on....some of which I witnessed first hand and other things I've read about on them.


Eta: I just noticed my "he" then "they" usage.....wow. Well that explains itself.

 

[metro_qt]

I dated a narcissist 2 years ago...
Thing is, I should have known something was up, his ex wife 'turned' crazy....and that's why they divorced....

Well.. He turned her crazy...


Do you all think having a narcissist parent makes you predisposed to having more narcissists in your life?

I think it was so easy getting with my ex at the time, because he reminded me so much of my narcissist parent, the dance was already familiar to me ...

 

[eyunka]

YESSSSSS this was my experience in a nut shell!

Oh the red flags are there.....if you keep your eyes free and clear if rosey glasses. He may get angry over something that is very small.....often. At first it won't be directed to you because you're still being idealized. He may speak about people and the bad situations they get in with no empathy or compassion, everything that happens to a person is their own fault no matter what it is.

They pay attention to everything you do and listen to everything you say FOR A REASON. They notice everything.

He is very interesting to listen to initially because he always seems to have a higher truth thinking than the rest of us on the planet.
They read a lot especially the cerebral narc, they know everything about everything. It's crazy.

When he speaks of his past, you begin to assess that nothing that ever went wrong is his fault it's everyone else's. Yet when he does take responsibility for the demise of a relationship, it was to save himself..he has to be the hero (even his own) who comes out on top in all his stories.

A lot of this will fascinate you until it starts to turn in your direction. Until you start to see a pattern and you're thinking this is too weird. Where is the human element in this person? the softer side?

Oh and most women to these these types are whores or undercover whores who put up fronts. To them women are extremely manipulate. They usually have a special disdain for most women except YOU of course.... until you piss them off.... I could go on and on....some of which I witnessed first hand and other things I've read about on them.


Eta: I just noticed my "he" then "they" usage.....wow. Well that explains itself.

 

[ChasingBliss]

^^well in my case he did things like listen to Tariq nasheed. Always getting into arguments with people, very judgemental and controlling. Buuuut because he was smart I kind of just let him get away with a lot of things, Because as I said earlier I've had issues with my iq level.

To him being right is better than being loving. And if you're wrong, youre an idiot and should crawl back up your mothers womb, never to be seen again. There were definitely red flags lol

The bolded. Yes. I remember this saying on how to keep the peace in a relationship. "would you rather be right or happy?" Narcs ALWAYS want to be right.

 

[tatiana]

I dated a narcissist 2 years ago...
Thing is, I should have known something was up, his ex wife 'turned' crazy....and that's why they divorced....

Well.. He turned her crazy...


Do you all think having a narcissist parent makes you predisposed to having more narcissists in your life?

I think it was so easy getting with my ex at the time, because he reminded me so much of my narcissist parent, the dance was already familiar to me ...

Good question. I am not sure. My mom is narcissist. I find most guys to be self-absorbed and selfish in general.

I will say I have dealt with more people with mental health issues, male and female, that the average person, IMO. You know you may be on to something.

 

[PhoenixRose360]

First of all thank you for this thread....for me I realized that my mom is a narcissist. It's funny cuz it just hit me the other day. She can say what she wants, but anything that I say other than agreeing with her comments, she "pouts" or goes to sleep early..and it's all an attempt to get me to come talk and apologize..as if she is never wrong.

So fast forward to my dating and friendship world and I realize that I date and become friends with narcissists because I don't have boundaries and was desperate to be loved & accepted, so I overdid, overextended, and didn't listen to my intuition. Recently one of my narcissistic friends "broke Up" with me, because I met a great guy, started hanging with him & making myself happy, and she claims I changed, because I didn't have time to tend to her issues and stroke her ego...mind you this has happened to me before with friends...they leave. But in my love relationships, I always end up coming to the end of my rope and bounce...

I am the first born, had to take care of my brother and was shown conditional love from my parents, so I understood that I had to do things, in order to be loved. But at this stage in my life, I'm working on loving me..respecting me and putting me first..which you would think would be given...but no one ever taught me that.

 

[ChasingBliss]

I dated a narcissist 2 years ago...
Thing is, I should have known something was up, his ex wife 'turned' crazy....and that's why they divorced....

Well.. He turned her crazy...


Do you all think having a narcissist parent makes you predisposed to having more narcissists in your life?

I think it was so easy getting with my ex at the time, because he reminded me so much of my narcissist parent, the dance was already familiar to me ...

Good question. I am not sure. My mom is narcissist. I find most guys to be self-absorbed and selfish in general.

I will say I have dealt with more people with mental health issues, male and female, that the average person, IMO. You know you may be on to something.

Yes, having a narc as a parent can make you more susceptible to either attracting them or being one yourself. If you look up anything describing the beginnings of a narcissist it almost always speaks on narc parents. Or very emotionally neglectful parents.

Also narcs gravitate to highly empathetic, compassionate, kind hearted people or those with even codependent personalities. Initially it's attractive to them because it involves traits they don't have but in a strange sense, wish they did. They know they are defective. The sad part is, the very thing they idealize you for is the very thing they wind up crapping on you for.

 

[londontresses]

Oh the red flags are there.....if you keep your eyes free and clear if rosey glasses. He may get angry over something that is very small.....often. At first it won't be directed to you because you're still being idealized. He may speak about people and the bad situations they get in with no empathy or compassion, everything that happens to a person is their own fault no matter what it is.

They pay attention to everything you do and listen to everything you say FOR A REASON. They notice everything.

He is very interesting to listen to initially because he always seems to have a higher truth thinking than the rest of us on the planet.
They read a lot especially the cerebral narc, they know everything about everything. It's crazy.

When he speaks of his past, you begin to assess that nothing that ever went wrong is his fault it's everyone else's. Yet when he does take responsibility for the demise of a relationship, it was to save himself..he has to be the hero (even his own) who comes out on top in all his stories.

A lot of this will fascinate you until it starts to turn in your direction. Until you start to see a pattern and you're thinking this is too weird. Where is the human element in this person? the softer side?

Oh and most women to these these types are whores or undercover whores who put up fronts. To them women are extremely manipulate. They usually have a special disdain for most women except YOU of course.... until you piss them off.... I could go on and on....some of which I witnessed first hand and other things I've read about on them.


Eta: I just noticed my "he" then "they" usage.....wow. Well that explains itself.

Yes to everything but particularly the bolded. When we started out I was 'so different from the rest' , then as the relationship progressed I realised his disdain for black women and white people became almost obsessive. It got to the point where I once said "why do you want to be a black woman, you don't seem to like us much" , he answered "because I want black children". That was the major straw that broke the camels back for me nono: I then started to challenge him on his views because he became more angry and began repeating the same rubbish in every conversation. He started to sound crazy. At that point I was 'like the rest'.

Another thing was he ALWAYS knew best. I told on numerous occasions that I have a bad sense of direction and rely on sat nav. He'd insist on giving me directions because the sat nav wouldn't take me HIS way. You're better than GPS.

He used to tell me he was the leader amongst his friends ...who says that? Does someone have to be the self proclaimed leader in a 'friendship'. So in the end he got controlling, rude and annoying because I refused to blindly follow him. Urgh.

 

[dannie]

Oh the red flags are there.....if you keep your eyes free and clear if rosey glasses. He may get angry over something that is very small.....often. At first it won't be directed to you because you're still being idealized. He may speak about people and the bad situations they get in with no empathy or compassion, everything that happens to a person is their own fault no matter what it is.

They pay attention to everything you do and listen to everything you say FOR A REASON. They notice everything.

He is very interesting to listen to initially because he always seems to have a higher truth thinking than the rest of us on the planet.
They read a lot especially the cerebral narc, they know everything about everything. It's crazy.

When he speaks of his past, you begin to assess that nothing that ever went wrong is his fault it's everyone else's. Yet when he does take responsibility for the demise of a relationship, it was to save himself..he has to be the hero (even his own) who comes out on top in all his stories.

A lot of this will fascinate you until it starts to turn in your direction. Until you start to see a pattern and you're thinking this is too weird. Where is the human element in this person? the softer side?

Oh and most women to these these types are whores or undercover whores who put up fronts. To them women are extremely manipulate. They usually have a special disdain for most women except YOU of course.... until you piss them off.... I could go on and on....some of which I witnessed first hand and other things I've read about on them.


Eta: I just noticed my "he" then "they" usage.....wow. Well that explains itself.

YES!!!

I didn't notice the disdain for women until this past year.

He's fine with the men in his family (I guess) but he had a dislike for his sister said she talked too much and got on his nerves, and if she wasnt his sister he wouldnt talk to her. Then what really got me was when he called his 18yr old a niece a "a lil b" for not telling him the correct date of her graduation therefore messing up his vegas plans. Said he didnt give a dern and just didnt go. I was like "wow thats a little harsh, do you have a good relationship with any woman besides your mom?". And he snapped and was like "NO!". From all his stories the dad was always cussing his mom out even in his 80's so I just figured maybe it was a weird family dynamic but knowing what I know now, his dad is probably a narc too.

 

[Evolving78]

First of all thank you for this thread....for me I realized that my mom is a narcissist. It's funny cuz it just hit me the other day. She can say what she wants, but anything that I say other than agreeing with her comments, she "pouts" or goes to sleep early..and it's all an attempt to get me to come talk and apologize..as if she is never wrong.

So fast forward to my dating and friendship world and I realize that I date and become friends with narcissists because I don't have boundaries and was desperate to be loved & accepted, so I overdid, overextended, and didn't listen to my intuition. Recently one of my narcissistic friends "broke Up" with me, because I met a great guy, started hanging with him & making myself happy, and she claims I changed, because I didn't have time to tend to her issues and stroke her ego...mind you this has happened to me before with friends...they leave. But in my love relationships, I always end up coming to the end of my rope and bounce...


I am the first born, had to take care of my brother and was shown conditional love from my parents, so I understood that I had to do things, in order to be loved. But at this stage in my life, I'm working on loving me..respecting me and putting me first..which you would think would be given...but no one ever taught me that.

the person in my life says they say mean things to me to promote change. they think if they dump all over my self esteem, they can break me, and get me to do what they feel is best. it doesn't usually work that way with me. i usually leave them alone. then, i am told i give up too easily and i don't know how to weather the storm/work things out. this person really made me feel terrible, and now they act like nothing happened and they are being overly nice to me....that is so controlling and so abusive. it's like they don't want to put their hands on me, so they will just beat me up another way. and they are really good at playing victim, taking no responsibility for their bad actions.

 

[ChasingBliss]

The funniest thing of all is that they think they are sooooooo unique from the world....yet they are all the same. Look how many commonalities we share right in this thread being in a relationship with them. They are classic textbook personality disordered.

There are some variations of course but to me the basic lack of compassion, empathy and the need to control in some sense is all there. Oh and projection is their go to reaction to most everything.

And will all that being said....after all the hell they put you through, they can and will discard you when they get ready and never look back....telling the next woman that something was wrong with you. They wreak havoc on your self esteem then when they are through they tell you that you never had any. And don't let me get into the whole gas lighting thing.

 

[ambergirl]

The funniest thing of all is that they think they are sooooooo unique from the world....yet they are all the same. Look how many commonalities we share right in this thread being in a relationship with them. They are classic textbook personality disordered.

There are some variations of course but to me the basic lack of compassion, empathy and the need to control in some sense is all there. Oh and projection is their go to reaction to most everything.

And will all that being said....after all the hell they put you through, they can and will discard you when they get ready and never look back....telling the next woman that something was wrong with you. They wreak havoc on your self esteem then when they are through they tell you that you never had any. And don't let me get into the whole gas lighting thing.

This. This. THIS!

What's bizarre is that at least in my case, dude knew he was deeply damaged but rather then truly face that he was on a mission to create "damage" in me so he could then point the finger and say...."wow you're damaged". And he apparently did the same thing with the woman right before me because I remember him saying something like, "I really loved her but she was so damaged". Negro truth is YOU are damaged, not every woman you date.

 

[Layluh]

ChasingBliss yup! I think it's best to just deal with them like the children they are if you can't leave.Heck he's given me the confidence to actually have children. Before I was very unsure of myself.

I'm literally raising my husband up into a leader. It's the funniest thing to me.

And there's no hate or judgement. I love him cause he's shown me so much about how to be loving, understanding and accepting of people and why it's so important. We all got programs running in our brains but the question is are these programs beneficial for what you're trying to accomplish? If not, what are you going to do about it?

 

[dannie]

The funniest thing of all is that they think they are sooooooo unique from the world....yet they are all the same. Look how many commonalities we share right in this thread being in a relationship with them. They are classic textbook personality disordered.

There are some variations of course but to me the basic lack of compassion, empathy and the need to control in some sense is all there. Oh and projection is their go to reaction to most everything.

And will all that being said....after all the hell they put you through, they can and will discard you when they get ready and never look back....telling the next woman that something was wrong with you. They wreak havoc on your self esteem then when they are through they tell you that you never had any. And don't let me get into the whole gas lighting thing.

I'm just glad I realized all this before I left my 20's. I met this person when I was 21/22 and severely depressed. He was 30 and I was like a lil lamb going to the slaughter...lol. I'm sure that's the reason he went after me.

But my involvement with this pitiful relationship made me questions so much about myself, my parents, the people I've befriended over the years. It finally all made sense. So I cant even be mad at him anymore, God brings people into your life for a reason. I can grow, forgive myself, forgive him too and move on.

 

[ChasingBliss]

ambergirl yup projection....Classic I tell you. They know they have deep issues, they know they lack some very important things...when you call them out, they suffer their injuries and sometimes literally get physically sick.

Has anyone let one have it...I mean have it and they go and suffer severe headaches for days and sleep like their is no tomorrow? It's really quite strange. They go silent and literally dont function normally. That narcissistic injury is a mfer.

Layluh I sooooo understand where you are coming from when you say that they teach you the importance of love, understanding and acceptance.

 

[Evolving78]

ambergirl yup projection....Classic I tell you. They know they have deep issues, they know they lack some very important things...when you call them out, they suffer their injuries and sometimes literally get physically sick.

Has anyone let one have it...I mean have it and they go and suffer severe headaches for days and sleep like their is no tomorrow? It's really quite strange. They go silent and literally dont function normally. That narcissistic injury is a mfer.

Layluh I sooooo understand where you are coming from when you say that they teach you the importance of love, understanding and acceptance.

yep! they are going through it right now. doing exactly what you said. and they know they are damaged to the core, and use it as an excuse to behave the way they do. the get sick, start to drink, don't eat, sleep all day, get terrible headaches and chest pains, etc... both folks i know are going through it right now. but i can't allow that to shake me. they will have me right in the hole with them. and they are the type to leave you in the dust. like they will just discard you.

you have to watch everything you do and say around them. anything can be used as a weapon. they look for things to slip. it could be something as simple as you leaving the cap off of the toothpaste! lol you have to be very careful about having them around your personal space.

 

[eyunka]

OMG yes to the bolded

yep! they are going through it right now. doing exactly what you said. and they know they are damaged to the core, and use it as an excuse to behave the way they do. the get sick, start to drink, don't eat, sleep all day, get terrible headaches and chest pains, etc... both folks i know are going through it right now. but i can't allow that to shake me. they will have me right in the hole with them. and they are the type to leave you in the dust. like they will just discard you.

you have to watch everything you do and say around them. anything can be used as a weapon. they look for things to slip. it could be something as simple as you leaving the cap off of the toothpaste! lol you have to be very careful about having them around your personal space.

 

[ambergirl]

yep! they are going through it right now. doing exactly what you said. and they know they are damaged to the core, and use it as an excuse to behave the way they do. the get sick, start to drink, don't eat, sleep all day, get terrible headaches and chest pains, etc... both folks i know are going through it right now. but i can't allow that to shake me. they will have me right in the hole with them. and they are the type to leave you in the dust. like they will just discard you.

you have to watch everything you do and say around them. anything can be used as a weapon. they look for things to slip. it could be something as simple as you leaving the cap off of the toothpaste! lol you have to be very careful about having them around your personal space.

YES! But I never connected that to his other behavior. Always nervous, always headachey or stressed, always needing to be calmed down.
It wasn't until we were many months in that I discovered he was hiding a serious pot smoking/drinking addiction...which of course he needed to unwind.

And yes EVERYTHING is a potential weapon. What was really sick with my dude is that he worked overtime to try to create trust and intimacy so he could get me to divulge vulnerabilities he could then use against me later.

This thread is some serious healing y'all.

OMG yes to the bolded

eyunka Do you need to be with him for the time being? My heart feels for you because it sounds like a very tough situation.

 

[God_Favor]

ambergirl yup projection....Classic I tell you. They know they have deep issues, they know they lack some very important things...when you call them out, they suffer their injuries and sometimes literally get physically sick.

Has anyone let one have it...I mean have it and they go and suffer severe headaches for days and sleep like their is no tomorrow? It's really quite strange. They go silent and literally dont function normally. That narcissistic injury is a mfer.

Layluh I sooooo understand where you are coming from when you say that they teach you the importance of love, understanding and acceptance.

Yes! It would rattle him so badly that he would sent and are into the abyss for a few days( with an evil look on his face). If he wasnt staring into space he was sleeping. Then in about 2 days he would come out of it.

 

[eyunka]

ambergirl

For the time being yes. I just moved my terminally ill mom in with us. I putting my mom's needs in front of my wants. But it has been discussed and he knows how i feel about our marriage and how unhappy i am with him. I think his last ditch effort to get me to stay was to insist on my mom moving in with us. His way of ensuring i wouldn't go anywhere

Well I wouldn't say his last ditch effort because his next chess move it just over the horizon. The lease for the house is up in March and he wants to try and keep the house so my mom can remain there.

@eyunka Do you need to be with him for the time being? My heart feels for you because it sounds like a very tough situation.

 

[DarkJoy]

It took me ages to realize my dad is a narc. It's no wonder I attract them. Being raised by them sets you up for so much mess. I relate to everything here but at child to parent level.

Luckily I recognize it much easier now, which led me out of the last thing as early as I did. Thank god.

I feel bad for my mother because she is literally crazy now. It's sad. You couldn't pay me to deal with it anymore.
____________
*.~.*Sent from a distant Galaxy in the Unicorn-verse*.~.*

 

[Layluh]

One thing that broke my heart was seeing my mother in law talk to her grandson.

We were all sitting around the table when her grandson complained about the food he was eating. So mother in law screams at him, "I'll throw you out with the trash if you don't shutup." Then 2 seconds later she's laughing up a storm about something else. This little boy is 6 years old.

Something else I witnessed, is his mother (DH's sister) yelled at him when he tried to wash his shoes that were filled with dog poop in the bathroom sink & he ended up clogging the pipes. She made a huuuuge deal about it too. Her boyfriend ended up fixing the pipe pretty quickly & she was like "oh well I guess it wasn't that bad...I coulda figured it out."

To me that would've been a significant learning opportunity to say "OK great! Now what are we gonna do about this problem?" & he would've had a chance to use his problem-solving skills.

But yelling at him the way they did when his heart was in the right place has him operating under the "nothing is ever good enough" program & that's what he's gonna transfer to all of his relationships- including the relationship with his self.

Both of those thing happened in 1 day. I can't even imagine what that boy goes through. That type of parenting would screw anyone up.

 

[dannie]

yep! they are going through it right now. doing exactly what you said. and they know they are damaged to the core, and use it as an excuse to behave the way they do. the get sick, start to drink, don't eat, sleep all day, get terrible headaches and chest pains, etc... both folks i know are going through it right now. but i can't allow that to shake me. they will have me right in the hole with them. and they are the type to leave you in the dust. like they will just discard you.

you have to watch everything you do and say around them. anything can be used as a weapon. they look for things to slip. it could be something as simple as you leaving the cap off of the toothpaste! lol you have to be very careful about having them around your personal space.

...take 100 Oxycontin pills in 3 weeks, drink vodka like water and stay up all night with insomnia and digestive issues. YES YES YES.

Yes! It would rattle him so badly that he would sent and are into the abyss for a few days( with an evil look on his face). If he wasnt staring into space he was sleeping. Then in about 2 days he would come out of it.

YES YES YES. You can never tell them about themselves, outside of what they want to hear. He would stare off into space, give me the silent treatment, or even pout and cry. A mess.