How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!

[Lucie]

eyunka, (((HUGS))) Do you have a local support system that can help you? Like a BFF? Sister? Friends? You will need them. Right now his insides are raging and you are the cause. Of course, that is how he sees it. Please, be safe and take care of yourself, your kids and your mom. He will try you and go from an angel to a demon and vice-versa. We are here for you. xo

 

[eyunka]

Lucie
I do have friends to talk to but I just feel like Debbie Downer because I have voiced how unhappy I am for years. Although I know they are there for me I just feel like I'm bothering them. Does that make sense. You are right about the angel one minute and devil the next. I feel like he is trying to set me up to fail so i will come back and I just won't do that. He wants me out the house by second week in june because he "can't live like this". All i ask is i'm allowed to save enough to move. We took a title loan out on my truck (big, big, big mistake and i knew it) to have money to see my son in Tx. Like so many other times he's made the monthly payments. This time the loan is not done until October and he wants me to take them over once i leave. But this was your idea.

Had a interview yesterday and it sounds like there is a good chance i have. I'm trying to find a 3 bedroom apartment so the kids and my mom will have a place. If I need to sleep on the couch so be it. But he plans on trying to put me on child support. I figure is I'm make pretty close to what he is making and can provide a place for the kids to stay a judge won't rule in his favor if it comes down to that

@eyunka, (((HUGS))) Do you have a local support system that can help you? Like a BFF? Sister? Friends? You will need them. Right now his insides are raging and you are the cause. Of course, that is how he sees it. Please, be safe and take care of yourself, your kids and your mom. He will try you and go from an angel to a demon and vice-versa. We are here for you. xo

 

[Lucie]

eyunka, don't feel that way. They are your friends. Issues/problems do not clear up over night. So if you need to vent, chat or whatever call them! I am praying you get the job. I hope that you also find an apartment that can suit your needs. I am really sorry that he is acting so terribly. He knows he is losing control and will try to make you suffer any way he can. Just continue to hang on. And vent here with us. Right now focus on your most pressing issue and tackle them one at a time not to stress yourself any further. You will overcome this!!! (((HUGS)))

 

[lux10023]

OMG Eyunka...dude sound like a monster

ummm no you will stay in that god damn house until you are ready to leave financially---he cant live like this-he is the one who caused this---

and ummm you will not be on no god damn child support---he need to stop it

DO NOT LET him break you!!!! Get your money straight and whatever you do--do not let him tell you what to do--you control you...you will do what works for you and the kids---he will get use to the NEW STRONG CONFIDENT YOU!

 

[Layluh]

You got this Eyunka!

Just follow your heart and speak from there. If it's telling you that you need to stay then stay and let him know what the deal is, calmly.

It's going to be bad for everyone!!?? No, it's just gonna be bad for him. YOU, ma'am, are going to be alright.

Don't get sucked in!! He's a child!

 

[Frizzyb]

Lucie I do have friends to talk to but I just feel like Debbie Downer because I have voiced how unhappy I am for years. Although I know they are there for me I just feel like I'm bothering them. Does that make sense. You are right about the angel one minute and devil the next. I feel like he is trying to set me up to fail so i will come back and I just won't do that. He wants me out the house by second week in june because he "can't live like this". All i ask is i'm allowed to save enough to move. We took a title loan out on my truck (big, big, big mistake and i knew it) to have money to see my son in Tx. Like so many other times he's made the monthly payments. This time the loan is not done until October and he wants me to take them over once i leave. But this was your idea. Had a interview yesterday and it sounds like there is a good chance i have. I'm trying to find a 3 bedroom apartment so the kids and my mom will have a place. If I need to sleep on the couch so be it. But he plans on trying to put me on child support. I figure is I'm make pretty close to what he is making and can provide a place for the kids to stay a judge won't rule in his favor if it comes down to that

Don't short yourself, he's counting on it. His whole existence has been made more convienient due to you. Get your bearings and don't make it easy for him, leave under your conditions. Then once gone just make sure your done. When I left, I left all the material trappings of middle class to the point my clothes were still in the closet. I just wouldn't let him have even that over me. Let him be able to dictate when and if or how my stuff could be picked up. Cause that changed depending on how he felt. I left so many things basically a whole house full of furniture and it was so worth him not being able to use my things as pawns to keep me arguing and basically focused on the past.

 

[Tamrin]

eyunka why are you the one leaving the house? How long have you been married? Is he the only one on the deed? Why are you leaving your children behind with him? If anything he should be the one leaving the house. I don't get this.

 

[eyunka]

eyunka why are you the one leaving the house? How long have you been married? Is he the only one on the deed? Why are you leaving your children behind with him? If anything he should be the one leaving the house. I don't get this.

Why am I leaving? Because I just want this to b over with and I feel like trying to make him leave is more of a hassle. He is the only one on the lease. Which really doesnt matter. If I could leave today I would. I no longer want to b around this man.

Im letting the kids make their own choice who they want to stay with. I have a 17 and 16 yr old still home. They both want to come but they also still want the things they have now, their own rooms. Presently that would require a 4 bedroom. My mother lives with us as well. I cant afford a 4 bedroom. I barely will b able to afford a three. Yes I will have my mom's income but she is terminally ill and if she passes then im out of luck. Im looking for something I can afford on my own and my mom's money is a bonus. Im searching for 3 bedrooms so my dd has a room and my son and ill sleep on the couch if they choose to come stay with me. Im counting on them coming once I get things in the house. Im leaving all furniture because my kids will go back and forth. My mother's furniture is in storage and we'll use her stuff

We've been married 17 years and together 19.

 

[crlsweetie912]

Eyunka praying for you and your family. This thread had been and eye opener. I believe my father is a narcissist. And my youngest son is by one.
Just yesterday he professed his love for me, but he only had these awakening after he knows I'm seriously seeing someone else. Saying how much he loves me amd wants to make love to me that will make him happy. And every time I tell him no it switches to me being stuck in the past and I'm losing out. Then he goes to the name calling, yelling and verbal abuse........so glad I got away from him. Just sad that I still have to deal with him because of my son.

 

[Evolving78]

Why am I leaving? Because I just want this to b over with and I feel like trying to make him leave is more of a hassle. He is the only one on the lease. Which really doesnt matter. If I could leave today I would. I no longer want to b around this man.

Im letting the kids make their own choice who they want to stay with. I have a 17 and 16 yr old still home. They both want to come but they also still want the things they have now, their own rooms. Presently that would require a 4 bedroom. My mother lives with us as well. I cant afford a 4 bedroom. I barely will b able to afford a three. Yes I will have my mom's income but she is terminally ill and if she passes then im out of luck. Im looking for something I can afford on my own and my mom's money is a bonus. Im searching for 3 bedrooms so my dd has a room and my son and ill sleep on the couch if they choose to come stay with me. Im counting on them coming once I get things in the house. Im leaving all furniture because my kids will go back and forth. My mother's furniture is in storage and we'll use her stuff

We've been married 17 years and together 19.

Girl when you dealing with crazy, the best thing is to leave crazy alone. Peace of mind is what you will walk away with. You can always get things.. folks will have you stuck and dealing with foolishness fighting over things. Let him have it all. He is mentally and emotionally abusive. You will never beat his game. He is going to be who he is. Somebody like him would want u to fight. Don't give that relationship no more energy if you are truly ready to move on. If he was knocking you upside your head, nobody would be telling you to put him out and fight for your things... They would tell you to run like crazy and don't look back. Don't look back and turn into a pilar of salt trying to fight over stuff. Let them kids stay there and if they really wanna come with you, there are always air mattresses and blankets...

 

[eyunka]

My thoughts exactly. I'm just trying to position myself so I don't fail

Girl when you dealing with crazy, the best thing is to leave crazy alone. Peace of mind is what you will walk away with. You can always get things.. folks will have you stuck and dealing with foolishness fighting over things. Let him have it all. He is mentally and emotionally abusive. You will never beat his game. He is going to be who he is. Somebody like him would want u to fight. Don't give that relationship no more energy if you are truly ready to move on. If he was knocking you upside your head, nobody would be telling you to put him out and fight for your things... They would tell you to run like crazy and don't look back. Don't look back and turn into a pilar of salt trying to fight over stuff. Let them kids stay there and if they really wanna come with you, there are always air mattresses and blankets...

 

[hopeful]

My thoughts exactly. I'm just trying to position myself so I don't fail

And you will do just that. Position yourself so you don't fail. Quietly plan to get the hell out of there. Keep as much to yourself as you can and put yourself in the best position so that you feel you have the upper hand. Right now he thinks he's in control. Stay focused on you, your children, and your mom. Do whatever is best for you and them, period. I would not leave my home. Build yourself a network of support too, people who care and can help you. I'm so sorry you are under so much stress but this too shall pass.

ETA: I didn't realize that only his name was on the lease. Just do whatever is best for you!

 

[Evolving78]

Eyunka praying for you and your family. This thread had been and eye opener. I believe my father is a narcissist. And my youngest son is by one.
Just yesterday he professed his love for me, but he only had these awakening after he knows I'm seriously seeing someone else. Saying how much he loves me amd wants to make love to me that will make him happy. And every time I tell him no it switches to me being stuck in the past and I'm losing out. Then he goes to the name calling, yelling and verbal abuse........so glad I got away from him. Just sad that I still have to deal with him because of my son.

Story of my life. Same situation.

 

[Frizzyb]

Wow could've used this thread so long ago!!! Just glad what's done is done tho!
You really can do this, I know it's maybe the hardest thing in your life to date to do but once done you will not believe how good it feels not to carry another'emotions. I could recognize how I truly felt about me and life in general without being spun out on a daily basis. Remember you are strong- girl you just had a vampire leeching off you for years and still are going to make it. He will miss you but when you leave you and get your bearings you will know the full extent of the nightmare you made it through.

 

[ms.mimi]

You are on the right track eyunka. Everything thing I read states to plan and prepare carefully.
My sil left my narcissist brother. And it was a HOT fried mess. Even though she did almost everything wrong, she's still the winner because she is free from him and has her freedom. (She had thoughts of killing herself) So it's good she left when she did.
Stop telling him your plans. Keep your mouth closed when it comes to EVERYONE. And get an attorney. Your husband is not a judge or an attorney. So stop listening to him. He's a narcissist, remember? He will paint the picture with him as the winner. Remember this is a game to him. Stop playing his game and focus.
Your mom is YOUR loved one.You have her best interest at heart. She's YOUR MOM she's not staying. Do even discuss it with her or him. Case closed. If he wants her back, he can take you to court. (which in the real world is laughable) If you tell him now she's not staying he will be on her like white on rice until she thinks it's in her best interest to stay with him. Say nothing, no matter what plans they make.
"I don't know." "I don't have the time to think about that now." Are the best answers to give. Because he's going to want to know ....
-Can you leave next month? How about June 15th? We need to set a date.
-When are you leaving?
-I'm changing your mom's check over to my acct.
-How much child support can you afford?
- I need you to sign some papers.
on and on. They are emotional vampires. Trying to invoke fear. He wants you scared because he's the one really scared.
Stop guessing when it comes to your rights. Get an attorney who will protect your rights. Until then you can atleast Google......
"free legal advice-divorce"
"exit strategies emotional abuse"
" exit strategies narcissist"
"exit strategies sociopath"
"how to leave a narcissist/sociopath"
Others out there have done it both successfully and unsuccessfully.Why recreate the wheel? If and when you get the chance please read a blog post called " Ten Ways to Freedom from Narcissist". I'll post it below because it may help you or someone else and I know how lhcf is about links.

 

[ms.mimi]

" Ten Ways to Freedom from Narcissist".
1. Educate Yourself
The most important thing you need to do is learn everything you can about the disordered and how they operate. You must educate yourself. Repeat and repeat and repeat. Unless you educate yourself you will never be free of their toxic enmeshment. Because they don't think and feel as we do, we cannot treat them like we do "normal" people/ourselves. Nor is it any use feeling sorry for them when you are trapped with them because they will simply use all your feeling against you. You need to harden your heart in order to see very clearly what you are dealing with.

2. Observe and Trust Your Gut
Distinguish between what is feeling in yourself and your gut instinct, and switch to trusting your gut. You are in poor physical and emotional and mental health because you are struggling to
understand behaviour that on the surface contradicts the words.

Never listen to words. Observe the behaviour. It is by behaviour that we really know people. Words are just a con job. You are worn out and sick because your psyche and body are telling you there is something terribly wrong when there is an illusion of everything being right (because s/he tells you so) and this is a very hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Be a scientist. Silently observe what is really happening.

3. Stay Out of Their Head
Get back inside your own where you belong. It's a mindfulness thing. Watch how hard that is because they've trained you well. Don't try to figure out what they're up to, what's in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into their head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalise their behaviour, trying to manipulate them, and especially getting sucked into the content.

When you catch yourself, wrench yourself away from it and think about something else. I used to use a Hebrew blessing as a mantra when my mind wandered into poisonous realms. This is a challenge because it takes a huge force of will to do this and goes against all the training they gave you to ensure that they take up all the space inside your head.

4. Ignore Content
There is no content for narcissists except the kind that will suck you in. I had to train myself to ignore the content. It's not a question of belief or disbelief. It's about tearing yourself away from everything being about them during all your waking hours and probably your dreams.

Do not listen to or give importance to the content of what narcissists say. It is their way of sucking you into their world and keeping you there, a world of total mind**** where you always end up the bad guy. They don't make common sense and keep moving the boundaries and goalposts to keep you destabilised.

Listening to the content stresses your cognitive functioning- it is crazymaking. Know that whatever they say has something in it for them, no matter how reasonable or wonderful it seems. It is all about them and they want you to be all about them as well and they will do and say anything to you to keep you trapped in their little dream world. Instead, observe what they are doing.

5. Protect Your Assets.
If need be, squirrel away money. They will bleed you dry. Protect anything that is precious to you. If you think about being fair and noble, you might be left destitute.

6. Silence is Golden
It is natural to want to share yourself with your soulmate. But you do not have a soulmate; you have a narcissist pretending to be a soulmate. Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel. You cannot move them. They will use it against you. The more open you are, the more artillery they have. They love for you to share. If you need to say anything, either dissemble or be vague or neutral or change the subject. Everyone has ways to withhold, so use your particular way to protect yourself.

7. Who Are You?
Know what you stand for and know what you are willing to live and die for. Or anyone can persuade you of anything. Without knowing yourself, you have few boundaries about what you are willing or not willing to tolerate. Strengthen that belief system and set of values that you cherish. Then you will know what to do and how to act and not waver.

8. It's a Marathon
Keep observing and reading. Once you learn what manipulative tricks they can use, you will observe them happening. This is a huge reinforcement for you, a way of deprogramming from the illusion of great, soulful love or familial love or friendly love they have set up for you. This does not happen overnight. It's a long distance goal. Be kind to yourself and patient. You are learning new ways to act in the world and redefining yourself and your beliefs, especially about people and relationships. Give yourself time to deal with all that's happening. Nothing will change overnight. It's a marathon.

9. Get Support
Anyone dealing intimately with the disordered is going to be emotionally and mentally abused. It's important to have support whether it is a good friend, a counsellor, a group for the abused, even the internet though that is a more dangerous undertaking and not one I recommend. Along with support, the most important thing is to start to get back your health and your sanity with small things that give you pleasure or joy or peace. We all have something we love to do.

I would also recommend that if you seek counselling that you find someone in your area that deals with trauma and/or abuse. Do not try this over the internet or by phone. In addition, do not buy e-books that invariably are self-published, because they don't answer to any mental health, ethical or professional standard; charlatans/narcissists abound on the net.

10. Nurture Your Soul
Once in a while, do some small kind thing for someone that will make their day. Do it anonymously and quietly. Say something complimentary to someone, even a stranger. Make one of your little dreams come true, for yourself. Get back in touch with your religion if you have a faith. Breathe in the fresh air and know that one day you will be free and life will be so much better.

 

[hopeful]

Wow ms.mimi great posts.

 

[eyunka]

ms.mimi
Many of the things you have mentioned my mom has said the same thing. Keep your mouth closed. He is talking to her on a regular basis trying to get her to stay with him and all she is doing is taking it in and not showing her true intentions. We all know what that is. His mom keeps calling my mom talking bad about me and I was going to get him to tell her to stop but mom said no, let her talk because each time she calls she gives up info on what he plans to do.

The bolded he has already started to do and most I have responded "I don't know" I've tried to prepare myself mentally because he HAS always stated life if a game and he plays to win. I knew then he was going to do everything in his power to make this ugly. My main focus is getting out the house and on my own then followed by starting the divorce. My question is are you guys suggesting i get a lawyer now even before i move out or once i start the divorce process?

I will take a look at the blog and thank you

You are on the right track @eyunka. Everything thing I read states to plan and prepare carefully.
My sil left my narcissist brother. And it was a HOT fried mess. Even though she did almost everything wrong, she's still the winner because she is free from him and has her freedom. (She had thoughts of killing herself) So it's good she left when she did.
Stop telling him your plans. Keep your mouth closed when it comes to EVERYONE. And get an attorney. Your husband is not a judge or an attorney. So stop listening to him. He's a narcissist, remember? He will paint the picture with him as the winner. Remember this is a game to him. Stop playing his game and focus.
Your mom is YOUR loved one.You have her best interest at heart. She's YOUR MOM she's not staying. Do even discuss it with her or him. Case closed. If he wants her back, he can take you to court. (which in the real world is laughable) If you tell him now she's not staying he will be on her like white on rice until she thinks it's in her best interest to stay with him. Say nothing, no matter what plans they make.
"I don't know." "I don't have the time to think about that now." Are the best answers to give. Because he's going to want to know ....
-Can you leave next month? How about June 15th? We need to set a date.
-When are you leaving?
-I'm changing your mom's check over to my acct.
-How much child support can you afford?
- I need you to sign some papers.
on and on. They are emotional vampires. Trying to invoke fear. He wants you scared because he's the one really scared.
Stop guessing when it comes to your rights. Get an attorney who will protect your rights. Until then you can atleast Google......
"free legal advice-divorce"
"exit strategies emotional abuse"
" exit strategies narcissist"
"exit strategies sociopath"
"how to leave a narcissist/sociopath"
Others out there have done it both successfully and unsuccessfully.Why recreate the wheel? If and when you get the chance please read a blog post called " Ten Ways to Freedom from Narcissist". I'll post it below because it may help you or someone else and I know how lhcf is about links.

 

[Evolving78]

ms.mimi
Many of the things you have mentioned my mom has said the same thing. Keep your mouth closed. He is talking to her on a regular basis trying to get her to stay with him and all she is doing is taking it in and not showing her true intentions. We all know what that is. His mom keeps calling my mom talking bad about me and I was going to get him to tell her to stop but mom said no, let her talk because each time she calls she gives up info on what he plans to do.

The bolded he has already started to do and most I have responded "I don't know" I've tried to prepare myself mentally because he HAS always stated life if a game and he plays to win. I knew then he was going to do everything in his power to make this ugly. My main focus is getting out the house and on my own then followed by starting the divorce. My question is are you guys suggesting i get a lawyer now even before i move out or once i start the divorce process?

I will take a look at the blog and thank you

If you are trying to keep or hold on to assets, you stay and file for a divorce. If you are done, don't care about that stuff and just want out, you file after you have moved. Just be ready to stick to your plan.

 

[eyunka]

The bolded i do all day long. Its like a defense mechanism, trying to be prepared for his next "chest move" to ensure i don't reaction with emotions which is what he is looking for.

" Ten Ways to Freedom from Narcissist".
1. Educate Yourself
The most important thing you need to do is learn everything you can about the disordered and how they operate. You must educate yourself. Repeat and repeat and repeat. Unless you educate yourself you will never be free of their toxic enmeshment. Because they don't think and feel as we do, we cannot treat them like we do "normal" people/ourselves. Nor is it any use feeling sorry for them when you are trapped with them because they will simply use all your feeling against you. You need to harden your heart in order to see very clearly what you are dealing with.

2. Observe and Trust Your Gut
Distinguish between what is feeling in yourself and your gut instinct, and switch to trusting your gut. You are in poor physical and emotional and mental health because you are struggling to
understand behaviour that on the surface contradicts the words.

Never listen to words. Observe the behaviour. It is by behaviour that we really know people. Words are just a con job. You are worn out and sick because your psyche and body are telling you there is something terribly wrong when there is an illusion of everything being right (because s/he tells you so) and this is a very hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Be a scientist. Silently observe what is really happening.

3. Stay Out of Their Head
Get back inside your own where you belong. It's a mindfulness thing. Watch how hard that is because they've trained you well. Don't try to figure out what they're up to, what's in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into their head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalise their behaviour, trying to manipulate them, and especially getting sucked into the content.

When you catch yourself, wrench yourself away from it and think about something else. I used to use a Hebrew blessing as a mantra when my mind wandered into poisonous realms. This is a challenge because it takes a huge force of will to do this and goes against all the training they gave you to ensure that they take up all the space inside your head.

4. Ignore Content
There is no content for narcissists except the kind that will suck you in. I had to train myself to ignore the content. It's not a question of belief or disbelief. It's about tearing yourself away from everything being about them during all your waking hours and probably your dreams.

Do not listen to or give importance to the content of what narcissists say. It is their way of sucking you into their world and keeping you there, a world of total mind**** where you always end up the bad guy. They don't make common sense and keep moving the boundaries and goalposts to keep you destabilised.

Listening to the content stresses your cognitive functioning- it is crazymaking. Know that whatever they say has something in it for them, no matter how reasonable or wonderful it seems. It is all about them and they want you to be all about them as well and they will do and say anything to you to keep you trapped in their little dream world. Instead, observe what they are doing.

5. Protect Your Assets.
If need be, squirrel away money. They will bleed you dry. Protect anything that is precious to you. If you think about being fair and noble, you might be left destitute.

6. Silence is Golden
It is natural to want to share yourself with your soulmate. But you do not have a soulmate; you have a narcissist pretending to be a soulmate. Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel. You cannot move them. They will use it against you. The more open you are, the more artillery they have. They love for you to share. If you need to say anything, either dissemble or be vague or neutral or change the subject. Everyone has ways to withhold, so use your particular way to protect yourself.

7. Who Are You?
Know what you stand for and know what you are willing to live and die for. Or anyone can persuade you of anything. Without knowing yourself, you have few boundaries about what you are willing or not willing to tolerate. Strengthen that belief system and set of values that you cherish. Then you will know what to do and how to act and not waver.

8. It's a Marathon
Keep observing and reading. Once you learn what manipulative tricks they can use, you will observe them happening. This is a huge reinforcement for you, a way of deprogramming from the illusion of great, soulful love or familial love or friendly love they have set up for you. This does not happen overnight. It's a long distance goal. Be kind to yourself and patient. You are learning new ways to act in the world and redefining yourself and your beliefs, especially about people and relationships. Give yourself time to deal with all that's happening. Nothing will change overnight. It's a marathon.

9. Get Support
Anyone dealing intimately with the disordered is going to be emotionally and mentally abused. It's important to have support whether it is a good friend, a counsellor, a group for the abused, even the internet though that is a more dangerous undertaking and not one I recommend. Along with support, the most important thing is to start to get back your health and your sanity with small things that give you pleasure or joy or peace. We all have something we love to do.

I would also recommend that if you seek counselling that you find someone in your area that deals with trauma and/or abuse. Do not try this over the internet or by phone. In addition, do not buy e-books that invariably are self-published, because they don't answer to any mental health, ethical or professional standard; charlatans/narcissists abound on the net.

10. Nurture Your Soul
Once in a while, do some small kind thing for someone that will make their day. Do it anonymously and quietly. Say something complimentary to someone, even a stranger. Make one of your little dreams come true, for yourself. Get back in touch with your religion if you have a faith. Breathe in the fresh air and know that one day you will be free and life will be so much better.

 

[hopeful]

I would go with ms.mimi's suggestions as she seems almost like an expert with regard to what you are dealing with. But my suggestion is that you seek out a lawyer for advice on how to proceed, keep your mouth shut from here on out, and get to quietly planning. If I were you I would pretend that I was unsure about what to do in order to bide myself more time. Feed his ego. I mean seriously he plays to win and yet after all these years married having to take out a title loan on your truck to visit your son? Is he serious? Anyway I'd feed that ego and fake things until I had my eggs in a row. You have to be stealth, because he may try to figure out what you are doing. You decide when you want to leave. You have that right. Get that job, save your money, find a cute apartment, take some of that damned furniture, he can replace it. Be selfish, think about you.

 

[Tamrin]

I would go with ms.mimi's suggestions as she seems almost like an expert with regard to what you are dealing with. But my suggestion is that you seek out a lawyer for advice on how to proceed, keep your mouth shut from here on out, and get to quietly planning. If I were you I would pretend that I was unsure about what to do in order to bide myself more time. Feed his ego. I mean seriously he plays to win and yet after all these years married having to take out a title loan on your truck to visit your son? Is he serious? Anyway I'd feed that ego and fake things until I had my eggs in a row. You have to be stealth, because he may try to figure out what you are doing. You decide when you want to leave. You have that right. Get that job, save your money, find a cute apartment, take some of that damned furniture, he can replace it. Be selfish, think about you.

I agree with this. Speak softly and carry a big stick. Plan and plan and keep quiet. People like that get so comfortable in their "power" over you that that unknowingly give you a way out. It is time to make him see you also play to win. Keep your mouth shut. Do you have access to accounts? Is your name on any of them? Its time to make some small withdrawls and keep as cash. Do not deposit them in a separate account until you are divorced or legally separated. Check you credit history for any games he may try to play with your credit or things in your name without your knowledge.

 

[eyunka]

We have seperate bank accts. All utilties bills are in his name. Now that i think about it we don't have anything where we are each other's bills or access.

I agree with this. Speak softly and carry a big stick. Plan and plan and keep quiet. People like that get so comfortable in their "power" over you that that unknowingly give you a way out. It is time to make him see you also play to win. Keep your mouth shut. Do you have access to accounts? Is your name on any of them? Its time to make some small withdrawls and keep as cash. Do not deposit them in a separate account until you are divorced or legally separated. Check you credit history for any games he may try to play with your credit or things in your name without your knowledge.

 

[Tamrin]

We have seperate bank accts. All utilties bills are in his name. Now that i think about it we don't have anything where we are each other's bills or access.

In short he took control of everything and you never knew what the intentions are. People want you to leave but I would not advise you to right now. You leave you are the one who abandoned the marriage. File for divorce/separation while you are in the house. Stop giving this man the upper hand. He deliberatly kept things separate.

 

[eyunka]

In short he took control of everything and you never knew what the intentions are. People want you to leave but I would not advise you to right now. You leave you are the one who abandoned the marriage. File for divorce/separation while you are in the house. Stop giving this man the upper hand. He deliberatly kept things separate.

I actually kept them separate because I ultimately knew this was coming. But I do see where you are coming from

 

[DreamLife]

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[ChasingBliss]

My heart goes out to you eyunka. ((((((Hugs)))))) I pray everything will work out for you.


DreamLife ...projection is mind boggling ain't it. You're almost waiting for them to laugh and say something like "naw I'm just kidding, I know it's clearly me doing/saying this"

 

[DreamLife]

My heart goes out to you eyunka. ((((((Hugs)))))) I pray everything will work out for you. DreamLife ...projection is mind boggling ain't it. You're almost waiting for them to laugh and say something like "naw I'm just kidding, I know it's clearly me doing/saying this"

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[God_Favor]

Wow, one of my exes was a narcissist. I just knew there was something terribly wrong but couldn't pinpoint what it was. Went from a charming, fairy tale story to cold, uncaring to verbal abuse with jealousy, cold shoulder, mood swings and basically a huge blowup in which I assumed we were broken up. We didn't talk for a while then he reappeared saying he needed me more than ever blah blah but I ended up breaking up with him officially because I felt like I was on this never ending roller coaster and was getting physically ill from the situation. He called a month later saying he was sorry for everything and had prayed about us and all that jazz then when I didn't respond the way he wanted he went into a horrible rage with more verbal abuse. Craziness. I might delete this post but this brings clarity to everything. And he had a very traumatic past. Glad it's over. Hope he doesn't try to come back again.

ETA: Everything was always my fault. Like he would say you have given up on us...when he had gone off on me and walked away. And he would project and say I did something that he had actually done. It was a bunch of mind games and manipulation to the point where I was second guessing what was true and what wasn't...going crazy . It was a mess! Makes so much sense now. I wish I had realized it, but I had never experienced something like that. He even got mad because I had a stable upbringing and he didn't...smh. Too much drama.

I still am angry at myself for allowing things like this to happen to me...mine hell went as far as to give me evil eyes and a angry speech for me walking too slow or not moving fast enough when he was ready to go. Everything was about him and when I reacted with even more venom than he spit out he was sorry and became a baby. He was pure evil and I was as sick as him to stay in that situation. Every morning I was like " This can't be life, I can't go on in thus stitution " .. But it was some type of sick, toxic, co dependent mess that just became my norm...

 

[apemay1969]

There are literally tons of articles on narcissism on Psychology Today...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/search/query?keys=narcissism&x=6&y=12

I befriended a woman a few years ago and after a few months started seeing things going bad. At the time she was a psychology major and admitted that she had narcissistic personality disorder and directed me to the website. Needless to say, we are no longer friends (if ever) but the experience was definitely an eye opener. One of the ladies here on the hair board introduced me to Robert Greene who has helped me understand this personality disorder.

How Narcissists & Psychopaths Do It...
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/art-of-seduction-by-robert-greene-part.html

I also own two of his books The Art of Seduction & The 48 Laws of Power.

Wow....shudder shudder cringe cringe. My whole life.