How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!
- Thread starter londontresses
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ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Oh wow I love this. Its a great way to look at forgiveness because i really struggle to forgive. I hold on and hold on. My mom says forgiveness is for you not the other person but i always looked at it if i forgave then its like the other person got over on me, i did nothing in return but Iyanla's advice is so much easier to swallow.
Yes girl,
My forgiveness struggle is around my belief that they aren't sorry and haven't learned anything. I am learning to take Iyanla's advice. It's a long road with lots of bumps and u turns.
Layluh
Well-Known Member
I had to learn the power of forgiveness when my bipolar mom was threatening to take me off the will due to me visiting her after thanksgiving, instead of thanksgiving day. I just stepped back and said wait this isn't my mom talking...this is someone else cause my mothers heart is pure.
After I realized that it was so easy to forgive her. Then I cried like a baby cause I felt so stupid. A few days later she started taking her meds again and apologized.
I remember reading an article saying they've linked unforgiveness to cancer. My siggy is my personal reminder to make sure that my heart weighs lighter than a feather.
After I realized that it was so easy to forgive her. Then I cried like a baby cause I felt so stupid. A few days later she started taking her meds again and apologized.
I remember reading an article saying they've linked unforgiveness to cancer. My siggy is my personal reminder to make sure that my heart weighs lighter than a feather.
Lucie
Dancin' on sunshine!
I have come to terms that some simply will not give me the apology that I desired, nor are they capable of doing any better. I don't really encounter many women narcissists but when I do, they are severely irritating. They always think they are right, better, smarter, and the list can go on. And the kicker is many of them think others are narcissists. But I think that is just life in general.
At first you think they possess extreme confidence but when you see how cold they are you realize it is their insecurity that gets them always wanting to control everyone in a way that they cannot even control themselves. Much of what they project onto others as flaws are their very own issues. Pretty scary. They cannot stand being called out on anything regardless of how diplomatic you are. Forget trying to rationalize things with them as they will make the problem you or shut down.
For those that have parents as narcissists, most parents cannot address their issues because it brings their failures to the forefront. It's hard having a mirror held up to their face. (((HUGS)))
At first you think they possess extreme confidence but when you see how cold they are you realize it is their insecurity that gets them always wanting to control everyone in a way that they cannot even control themselves. Much of what they project onto others as flaws are their very own issues. Pretty scary. They cannot stand being called out on anything regardless of how diplomatic you are. Forget trying to rationalize things with them as they will make the problem you or shut down.
For those that have parents as narcissists, most parents cannot address their issues because it brings their failures to the forefront. It's hard having a mirror held up to their face. (((HUGS)))
ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
@Lucie The bolded all day! When I first realized this I was dumbfounded. In general every normal person knows there is a way you talk to someone to get your point across. With them, there is NO way. Just saying it causes them to ungulf you in hell fire. It's crazy.
Also I notice that they will twist the events of a disagreement/argument. Now that's not so much crazy as I imagine many people do this on some level. But a Narc will full out say they didnt say something they JUST said 3 minutes ago. Then at times will go on to say that YOU said it. To add more crazy to it, they will rant and rage that you are lying on them and they seem to really believe this.
Someone on other board said you may literally have to record them in battle to prove that they said something. But even then, they will probably either say you are lying and that's not their voice *smh* OR focus on your manipulating sneaky ways...you know because covering yourself like that to ensure that you can prove that you were not the culprit is sneaky and manipulate if it calls them out. Then hell engulfment begins again
...
LovelyRo
Well-Known Member
My ex is a narcissist or he just hates women. I don't really want to relive that experience so I'll spare the details of the relationship. We have a DS together and the year after we ended things was rough. He was still trying to get to me... He tried to belittle me every chance he got. The last straw was when he did it in front of DS. I thought long and hard on this and prayed and then prayed some more. I decided to pull DS from him. I told him to contact me when he was able to interact with me in a respectful manner. It took months but, when we talked and hashed things out, everything was smooth sailing from that point. I think he realized that he couldn't affect me like that anymore. Even now when he pisses me off, I don't let him see it. I'm emotionless when I interact with him because he's a vulture when you let him in. He will suck the life right out of you. I know something traumatic happened in his childhood and his father wasn't in his life so he's different with DS. He's very loving and protective...
eyunka
Well-Known Member
What you described below is what has caused me to home in on my listening skills and memory. I listen and observe actions/statement for another days when the same situation occurs and i react the same way he did and then bring it to his attention. Its been working so far.
@Lucie The bolded all day! When I first realized this I was dumbfounded. In general every normal person knows there is a way you talk to someone to get your point across. With them, there is NO way. Just saying it causes them to ungulf you in hell fire. It's crazy.
Also I notice that they will twist the events of a disagreement/argument. Now that's not so much crazy as I imagine many people do this on some level. But a Narc will full out say they didnt say something they JUST said 3 minutes ago. Then at times will go on to say that YOU said it. To add more crazy to it, they will rant and rage that you are lying on them and they seem to really believe this.
Someone on other board said you may literally have to record them in battle to prove that they said something. But even then, they will probably either say you are lying and that's not their voice *smh* OR focus on your manipulating sneaky ways...you know because covering yourself like that to ensure that you can prove that you were not the culprit is sneaky and manipulate if it calls them out. Then hell engulfment begins again
londontresses
Well-Known Member
@Lucie The bolded all day! When I first realized this I was dumbfounded. In general every normal person knows there is a way you talk to someone to get your point across. With them, there is NO way. Just saying it causes them to ungulf you in hell fire. It's crazy.
Also I notice that they will twist the events of a disagreement/argument. Now that's not so much crazy as I imagine many people do this on some level. But a Narc will full out say they didnt say something they JUST said 3 minutes ago. Then at times will go on to say that YOU said it. To add more crazy to it, they will rant and rage that you are lying on them and they seem to really believe this.
Someone on other board said you may literally have to record them in battle to prove that they said something. But even then, they will probably either say you are lying and that's not their voice *smh* OR focus on your manipulating sneaky ways...you know because covering yourself like that to ensure that you can prove that you were not the culprit is sneaky and manipulate if it calls them out. Then hell engulfment begins again
Lol he once said if couldn't remember what he said verbatim then he didn't say it. :
God_Favor
Well-Known Member
Ladies my struggles with forgiveness is about me. Im trying hard to let it go, but its hard for me to forgive myself for staying in such a sick situation. I was in such a low place that I didnt even know who I was. Ive come to terms of why it happened but the beating myself up stills wrecks my mind.
He lives in his truth and I don't need any type of apology for any of the abuse. We have no children together so I dont want to speak to him again.
He lives in his truth and I don't need any type of apology for any of the abuse. We have no children together so I dont want to speak to him again.
PhoenixRose360
New Member
I live with my narcissist(mom), so it can be a challenge. But what I've realized as previously stated, I can't expect her to change, I have to change. I have to realize that I can't take what she says personally because this is a reflection of her thinking and issues. And also that I can't be quiet, I can respect her, but I have a mind and feelings and she will hear about both.
lalah
Active Member
I didn't read the whole thread yet so I don't know if this link was posted: http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/blog/
I read the info she has on narcissist mothers and I almost fainted. I knew all these years something was terribly wrong with my mom, but couldn't put my finger on it. Everyone on the outside thought she was the sweetest mom in the world & saw me as the disrespectful daughter. After reading the info on the site, I knew why. I don't know how to post articles, but I was amazed at what I read. She offers a lot of info on all types narcissists, dealing with them, as well as healing yourself from relationships with them.
I read the info she has on narcissist mothers and I almost fainted. I knew all these years something was terribly wrong with my mom, but couldn't put my finger on it. Everyone on the outside thought she was the sweetest mom in the world & saw me as the disrespectful daughter. After reading the info on the site, I knew why. I don't know how to post articles, but I was amazed at what I read. She offers a lot of info on all types narcissists, dealing with them, as well as healing yourself from relationships with them.
tatiana
Well-Known Member
And if they can not beat you, they will destroy or attempt to destroy something priceless and has importance to you such as a relationship with somebody else and/or your reputation.
The Girl
Well-Known Member
Lol he once said if couldn't remember what he said verbatim then he didn't say it. :
Yup, Mom is defintely a Narc! Sadly enough, she exacerbates my younger sis who has a gang of issues that make her hard to deal with as is!
ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
Lol he once said if couldn't remember what he said verbatim then he didn't say it. :
Isnt it a crying shame how they blatantly admit their tricks?
I was thinking about this thread over the weekend and something came to me that was said here. Something about basically checking your emotions at the door when dealing with them. Its so true. It's like put on your invisible cloak of protection when things begin to go down that road. Become stoic and self vigilant and STILL dont hesitate to speak up for what is true and right in that situation/disagreement....and if they start raging....walk away from them and simply say, "maybe we can talk again when things are calm." And if they say, "No we aint talking about ish later"
Say....."Ok" then exit stage left with your peace of mind and self convictions in tact. Remember, it's their stick whether it's mommy's, hubby's, sister's brother's, etc.
Layluh
Well-Known Member
ChasingBliss yup! Unfortunately I'm at the point where there is nothing to talk about. His heart is corrupt so he's gonna see through the lens of his trauma in every situation.
This negro is sooo focused on externalizing his power. It's a joke. This weekend he was making a big deal about humans going to mars and how exciting it was. "Baby they created the Internet and satellites while trying to get to the moon. Aren't you excited about mars and how it will make society better?"
I just told him I want myself to be better... Anything outside of me is whatever at this point. (Unless they're my children). He just kinda went silent, put his head down, said yeah then left the room.
This negro tryna get to the moon when Mother Earth and himself need healing.
This negro is sooo focused on externalizing his power. It's a joke. This weekend he was making a big deal about humans going to mars and how exciting it was. "Baby they created the Internet and satellites while trying to get to the moon. Aren't you excited about mars and how it will make society better?"
I just told him I want myself to be better... Anything outside of me is whatever at this point. (Unless they're my children). He just kinda went silent, put his head down, said yeah then left the room.
This negro tryna get to the moon when Mother Earth and himself need healing.
Carrie A
Well-Known Member
Wow this thread is something else. i was in a relationship with a narcissistic personality type. Actually maybe sociopath/ narc. The insane thing is I learn this -ish in school but it was all academic. I couldn't see the personality disorder until I left the relationship. Then one day I was reviewing everything and it suddenly hit me that that's what I had experienced. This guy was so charismatic. I wouldn't be surprised if her gets into politics soon.
I'm in the healing profession, highly empathetic, sensitive, etc. so no surprise the appeal.
One thing I learned is that who ever comes my way I have the gift of intuition and inner voice. This is stronger sometimes than the mind and ego emotions/ passion etc. I tune into mine everyday, so that when whispers occur, as they did in that relationship, I am receptive and can examine the message. So I let go of fear in getting involved with someone new.
I'm in the healing profession, highly empathetic, sensitive, etc. so no surprise the appeal.
One thing I learned is that who ever comes my way I have the gift of intuition and inner voice. This is stronger sometimes than the mind and ego emotions/ passion etc. I tune into mine everyday, so that when whispers occur, as they did in that relationship, I am receptive and can examine the message. So I let go of fear in getting involved with someone new.
desertfloweriam
Well-Known Member
Mybf dumped me and I've never been so relieved. He caused me so much anxiety due to me being afraid of his reactions. I cut off communication with people because he was afraid of people altering my mind. I realized months ago I would have to distance myself from the negativeness. I began to care less and less about his feelings because he didn't care about mine. If I told him anything about my past he would use it against me. I told him about my feelings about my ex bf suicide. He used that against me bringing it up telling me I was still in love and should go be with him. He would used the fact that I've slept with two people in my life and make me feel like I'm worthless and not special when he has slept with more and even has a daughter. He did stuff you ladies would be like run get away but yet I stayed. I feel like because growing up I was used to people talking down to me using me is why I put up with it. He wanted me to get pregnant so he could keep me forever. I feel scared that I will go back to him. I'm trying to have the will not to Call him and ask him back because I know that I'm much better of without him. I just feel really drained and anxiety is taking over.
Frizzyb
Well-Known Member
.
Please do it, I'm you 15 years after a looong draining relationship that I knew I should've left much earlier. I have 3 children and had to actually have a breakdown to leave. I'm so relieved now, I have so much piece of mind. I love myself again but it took soo much to pick up the pieces. If not for Jehovah God I don't know where I'd be. Don't do it because in the end it won't work if they won't change and they think they're perfect it's the rest of the world that needs to change. One person no matter how strong or how much they want it cannot hold up a relationship, believe me I tried!!!!!.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
They don't change. It may seem like it at first, but that crazy person will show back up. I know it hurts so much right now. They leave you feeling so empty and broken. You don't want to end up having children with this person. You will have to put up with the madness on a different level. And you have to worry about that person using the child like a gate for them to be able to walk in and out of your lives.
You child will go through what you go through too. They may see the child as a threat, or as a way to live their dreams through the child. If the child fails them in anyway, they will discard them too!
I know it feels bad now, but be glad you are free. And you don't have to worry about calling him. He will show up soon and act like nothing happened. Run! I'm telling you from dealing with it myself. He gave you a way out! Take it and build on it! Build you back up. Every time you think of the good times, write down the bad. Ask yourself do you wanna go through that again. That isnt love. It is abuse and control. And I gotta put up with it for the rest of my days. It will always be a fight, even when it doesnt come off like one. You will have to fight with yourself with how you deal with that person. You always gotta stay on your toes. If they knock you off of your square, they got you again. You always gotta put on your clown makeup and put on a show for their beinds. It is never real. You cannot ever feel safe with them.
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ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
Frizzyb, you are so right. That person has to want change. And unfortunately for them it usually starts with narcissistic injury, one so severe it causes them to question their entire existence. You start to watch them make different connections from their childhood to their present attitude, thinking patterns and behaviors revealing things sbout what happened to them that will shock you. They will spend hours contemplating their pasts and seeking input from their loved ones usually Spouse/SO on what they think. It's quite eye opening.
Example, dh notices how my mother looks up to me, admires me and speaks proudly of me. He also knows that in our family we argue, apologize, talk it out and get over things quickly. He would say, stuff like..." I see how your mom values you and cares about how you feel." I would say, that's how I grew up. She taught me to be this way. Then he'd tell me, he doesn't even know what that's like. No one was like that in his house. You got your feelings hurt, tough! Put them back in your pocket or destroy them because no one cares. There is so much more and it's quite sad. Like I said these things start with their parent. They give the foundation to emotional retardation.
Y'all think it knew all that ish before I got married? Nope. That is tough to reveal. But I do appreciate the work we are doing now. I really do even though it's hard at times.
Example, dh notices how my mother looks up to me, admires me and speaks proudly of me. He also knows that in our family we argue, apologize, talk it out and get over things quickly. He would say, stuff like..." I see how your mom values you and cares about how you feel." I would say, that's how I grew up. She taught me to be this way. Then he'd tell me, he doesn't even know what that's like. No one was like that in his house. You got your feelings hurt, tough! Put them back in your pocket or destroy them because no one cares. There is so much more and it's quite sad. Like I said these things start with their parent. They give the foundation to emotional retardation.
Y'all think it knew all that ish before I got married? Nope. That is tough to reveal. But I do appreciate the work we are doing now. I really do even though it's hard at times.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I agree and have seen that kind of process, but the folks I know are so damaged, I don't believe they will ever change.
tatiana
Well-Known Member
Narcissists can change...for the worse.
A traumatic loss like a death of a parent or divorce can make them worse. Also if the narcissist has diabetes, their unregulated sugar causes mood swings galore.
Lucie
Dancin' on sunshine!
I don't know if because this thread made me think a lot of the narcissist I have discussed but I ran into him not far from my house. Just awful. He was every bit charming and "seemed" too good to be true. My mind immediately replayed all of the things he did. Just awful.
ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
Yeah, he was restarting the idealizing phase again.... This is how they get folks.
londontresses
Well-Known Member
http://paularenee.wordpress.com/identifying-a-narcissistic-sociopath/
1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;
3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);
4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);
5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;
6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;
7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;
9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy (http://samvak.tripod.com).
There is other info in that blog post that may be useful but I just picked a snippet to post that may help someone.
1. Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;
3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);
4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);
5. Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;
6. Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;
7. Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
8. Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;
9. Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy (http://samvak.tripod.com).
There is other info in that blog post that may be useful but I just picked a snippet to post that may help someone.
desertfloweriam
Well-Known Member
My one year old cousin took my phone while I was in the bathroom and called my ex. When I got out, the call was already 58 seconds in. I immediately ended the call hoping he was not on the phone or that he had changed his number. A minute later I recieved a text saying he was in class. I haven't responded. I haven't spoken to him in almost two months. It would be nice to see how he's doing but I don't want to start up anything. I've been less stressed without him.
Frizzyb
Well-Known Member
Please don't let your curiosity ensnare you. Of course now he wants to hear from you, life is different without someone's spirit to crush!!! And you want to hear from him cause your the caring person he pegged you to be just the kind he hunted out. Please know that he wants to hear from you cause good people who will let him get away with this kind of behavior are far and few in between. He might of moved on but who is gonna be as satisfying to torture as you? Girl, now isn't the time, remember they think their better than you it's all a game don't let them get another inning in at your exspence. Just some advice as I said up thread been through it for way too long before I threw the towel in. Now even tho he's found someone else still wants me back, he now has a problem grinding his teeth uncontrollably along with stomach ulcers. Don't like to hear that but this is what happens when they can't stomp spirits at will.
God_Favor
Well-Known Member
Let it be! Read through this thread for encouragement.
eyunka
Well-Known Member
Beginning stages of sepration and its not looking pretty already. Trying to use my mom against me, asking her to stay with him instead of possibly moving with one her siblings or maybe me so she can help take care of our teenage kids. Trying to me to leave without having saved enough money for the bare minimum of moving expenses. In every conversation he keeps saying this is going to be ugly. This is going to be bad for everyone. Its like walking on eggshells because you try to set bounderies but you ask how stern do you stand with them because one is not in a position to just move right away. I really don't want this to get ugly to the point police are involved or even arguing in front of the kids. We have always managed to not argue in front of the kids
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