How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!

[DarkJoy]

We were all sitting around the table when her grandson complained about the food he was eating. So mother in law screams at him, "I'll throw you out with the trash if you don't shutup." Then 2 seconds later she's laughing up a storm about something else. This little boy is 6 years old.

Something else I witnessed, is his mother (DH's sister) yelled at him when he tried to wash his ...

But yelling at him the way they did when his heart was in the right place has him operating under the "nothing is ever good enough" program & that's what he's gonna transfer to all of his relationships- including the relationship with his self.

Both of those thing happened in 1 day. I can't even imagine what that boy goes through. That type of parenting would screw anyone up.

I lived through it, so I know what he goes through.

Here's the thing about their yelling particularly at their children:

They arent yelling at (or beating) children. Their children are objects. At that moment, the narc is yelling at every bad thing that has ever happened to them up to that point. They are releasing lifelong rage, or anguish from the events that made them the narc and projecting it... yes they are masters at it putting their pain into someone else, in this case a child.

At that moment of annoyance for the innoncent mistake a child has made, the child becomes every mistake the narc has made, every slight they've received, every insult, physical or psychological punch. The child becomes the mother or father who abused or abandond the narc as a child .

Like I said...a tough way to grow up. I pray for that child.

 

[DarkJoy]

I will go so far as to add that the SO pretty much is in the same position of being projected upon as the child.

 

[Bubblingbrownshuga]

I temporarily dated a narcissist. I had to cut that mess out quick! He stressed me the hell out. He was VERY NEEDY and demanding and would berate me if I didn't compliment his every waking moment.

On top of that, he idolized Floyd Mayweather down to the tee. I just couldn't do it no mo'.

When I ended it, he told me 'well, you weren't on my level, I need to find someone on my level.' I was like, dude what level is that- DELUSION???

 

[intellectualuva]

The bolded. Yes. I remember this saying on how to keep the peace in a relationship. "would you rather be right or happy?" Narcs ALWAYS want to be right.

This just hit me like a freight train. I always knew he had narc tendencies. For a few weeks now, I've been turning over a comment he made to me recently.

"The reason our living arrangement didn't work out is because you couldn't handle that I was right all the time."

I simply haven't been able to shake it like any of the other digs he's made to me. It hurt me because I have never staked my claim on "rightness" the way he has. When we first met and so many instances later, he'd repeatedly say 'I don't engage in disagreements I don't/can't win' or some version of I'm always right. I don't care about being right and never have, certainly not with him. I've often ceded disputes and discussions with him simply because I didn't want to go back and forth.

Many of our issues are rooted in his lack of empathy. He has said and done some very inconsiderate to me in the past, especially once we were roommates. I would try to convince him to see things from my perspective because I always see it from his and he can't. If I get an apology, its "I'm sorry you feel that way." In his mind, I should've ignore the comments (we stopped talking at the end anyway) and his behavior in my home because the financial benefits should've been priority. Living in my house saved him money and it helped me. We didn't have a year lease or anything. What he didn't and still don't understand is that I have one rule, to be happy in MY home. I didn't need his extra rent money, it was a bonus. LOL. I bought my home on the cheap, relatively and just started a new job that provided a considerable raise. I was and am still more than fine. The arrangement began to erode something inside me. It went on until I was so low, my friends, coworkers and family were pulling me aside worried about me. So, I made him leave. In his mind, this makes me weak. His self righteousness about it even in his comments weeks ago says as much. What started off as a simple conversation over breakfast by the end of it while he was paying I had to excuse myself to ladies room so I could pull myself together and not cry on the car ride home.

Anyway, I see it now and probably always have. He was just so charming in the beginning and sometimes that guy shows up after we go our separate ways for a while. We aren't sleeping together anymore, but I still feel like I keep putting quarters in a broken parking meter. Its crazy. I so know better.

This thread and all the articles really puts things into perspective.

 

[LovelyRo]

-inability to view the world from the perspective of other people

I had such a difficult time trying to get a close friend to see that this is the wrong way to think. I came to the conclusion the she was a narcissist a few years ago... It doesn't make it any easier to deal with her.

 

[celiabug]

My ex was a narcissist he was covered in tattoos and piercings! She could see I was damaged from a terrible break up and he attacked! Lawd! I'm gonna know what to look out for next time.

 

[Adonia1987]

..................

 

[PhoenixRose360]

What I am finally realizing is these people (Narc's) feed off controlling us and our low self esteem issues. And they hate when you stand up to them cuz we normally just take it, or have other friends or anyone besides them..because they need us to boost their self esteem...we feed into that, we help, we nurture, we soothe and in a sense we are them as a kid

 

[Bublin]

Narcs hate it when you mirror their behaviour. They can't stand to see themselves and can't take their own medicine.
The downside is you learn to be like them. If you want to survive you had better learn. The upside is that you are not like them and you only let THEM experience your Narc behaviour. You have an off switch, they don't.

Personally I had to learn to be like my ex because I have a child with him. I absolutely cannot be myself when communicating with him. I become cold, rude and indifferent. He is a nothing. That is how he treated me for years.
If I continued to reacte to his sh*t like how a normal person would then I wouldn't be typing out this post. I'd be in a mental hospital or worse. He knows his games and jedi mind tricks don't work over here and it perplexes him. I'm at a stage where I no longer dread his next move, I look forward to it because I know he took time agonising over what to do. Lol.

 

[SophieDulce]

Narcs hate it when you mirror their behaviour. They can't stand to see themselves and can't take their own medicine. The downside is you learn to be like them. If you want to survive you had better learn. The upside is that you are not like them and you only let THEM experience your Narc behaviour. You have an off switch, they don't. Personally I had to learn to be like my ex because I have a child with him. I absolutely cannot be myself when communicating with him. I become cold, rude and indifferent. He is a nothing. That is how he treated me for years. If I continued to reacte to his sh*t like how a normal person would then I wouldn't be typing out this post. I'd be in a mental hospital or worse. He knows his games and jedi mind tricks don't work over here and it perplexes him. I'm at a stage where I no longer dread his next move, I look forward to it because I know he took time agonising over what to do. Lol.

I agree with this post, when my moms starts going into narc rages. I either ignore her, camly ask her if she's taken Prozac?? walk her to my front door and tell her to call me when she's ready to act like an adult.

 

[ambergirl]

What I am finally realizing is these people (Narc's) feed off controlling us and our low self esteem issues. And they hate when you stand up to them cuz we normally just take it, or have other friends or anyone besides them..because they need us to boost their self esteem...we feed into that, we help, we nurture, we soothe and in a sense we are them as a kid

Mmmm... Have to say that doesn't resonate with me. In my relationship my strong sense of self was a problem and he went into overdrive trying to create low self esteem. I didn't realize it at the time because I just thought, oh he's into self improvement and that's an area I could work on. It wasn't until a few months in that I realized it wasn't 'about both of us working on self improvement but on him trying to undermine and belittle because he would lose his mind whenever I pointed out some thing he could improve but he felt he could scrutinize everything about me.

 

[God_Favor]

I can relate to all of this! We were basically roommates too and it was hell. He stayed up front with his.books and computer and was locked up in my room all day because his presence just didnt sit well with me.




OTE=intellectualuva;19667189]This just hit me like a freight train. I always knew he had narc tendencies. For a few weeks now, I've been turning over a comment he made to me recently.

"The reason our living arrangement didn't work out is because you couldn't handle that I was right all the time."

I simply haven't been able to shake it like any of the other digs he's made to me. It hurt me because I have never staked my claim on "rightness" the way he has. When we first met and so many instances later, he'd repeatedly say 'I don't engage in disagreements I don't/can't win' or some version of I'm always right. I don't care about being right and never have, certainly not with him. I've often ceded disputes and discussions with him simply because I didn't want to go back and forth.

Many of our issues are rooted in his lack of empathy. He has said and done some very inconsiderate to me in the past, especially once we were roommates. I would try to convince him to see things from my perspective because I always see it from his and he can't. If I get an apology, its "I'm sorry you feel that way." In his mind, I should've ignore the comments (we stopped talking at the end anyway) and his behavior in my home because the financial benefits should've been priority. Living in my house saved him money and it helped me. We didn't have a year lease or anything. What he didn't and still don't understand is that I have one rule, to be happy in MY home. I didn't need his extra rent money, it was a bonus. LOL. I bought my home on the cheap, relatively and just started a new job that provided a considerable raise. I was and am still more than fine. The arrangement began to erode something inside me. It went on until I was so low, my friends, coworkers and family were pulling me aside worried about me. So, I made him leave. In his mind, this makes me weak. His self righteousness about it even in his comments weeks ago says as much. What started off as a simple conversation over breakfast by the end of it while he was paying I had to excuse myself to ladies room so I could pull myself together and not cry on the car ride home.

Anyway, I see it now and probably always have. He was just so charming in the beginning and sometimes that guy shows up after we go our separate ways for a while. We aren't sleeping together anymore, but I still feel like I keep putting quarters in a broken parking meter. Its crazy. I so know better.

This thread and all the articles really puts things into perspective.[/QUOTE]

 

[PhoenixRose360]

Mmmm... Have to say that doesn't resonate with me. In my relationship my strong sense of self was a problem and he went into overdrive trying to create low self esteem. I didn't realize it at the time because I just thought, oh he's into self improvement and that's an area I could work on. It wasn't until a few months in that I realized it wasn't 'about both of us working on self improvement but on him trying to undermine and belittle because he would lose his mind whenever I pointed out some thing he could improve but he felt he could scrutinize everything about me.

ambergirl ....I understand..having a strong sense of self is something I'm working on, so this doesn't keep happening

 

[Lucie]

Wow, this thread was a painful yet insightful read. I dated a man that tore me up. Never hit me but I walked on eggshells. When he felt happy, WE were happy. If he was not happy WE were not happy. There are things he would do/say that would hurt me. I would tell him. Of course carefully, because even when you are upset you must make sure every word, preposition and tone is just perfect or things will get worse. He demoralized me every step of the way. Sometimes we would argue and I'd shut my phone off for the entire weekend and stay in bed. I felt just awful about myself. Eventually, 1 day I had enough and left. It was so difficult.

Growing up I realized both of my parents were narcissists but just on two different extremes. I am really sorry so many of us can relate but at least now we know how to avoid them or what the red flags are. For a while their behavior made me into a really cold person. At least in my marriage. I guess in my mind I was going to avoid being the victim but ending being a victimizer. Took me forever and a day to get that right and do better but I did.

With friends I gravitated towards similar personality types but did not realize the signs because I thought I was being a good friend. I forgot who mentioned this in the thread but she said he would not hit her but shut her out and hit her emotionally. That was so me! And the funny thing is he did admit he did a lot of things to get a rise out of me to see if I really loved him. How sick is that? Why would you go above and beyond to break a person that just wanted to love you? I left after that.

 

[Layluh]

Every time I come in here, it's a reminder of how I can't wait for my lease to be up. Heck I may even break it. Lol

 

[ChasingBliss]

Lucie how did he react when you left?

 

[Lucie]

the person in my life says they say mean things to me to promote change. they think if they dump all over my self esteem, they can break me, and get me to do what they feel is best. it doesn't usually work that way with me. i usually leave them alone. then, i am told i give up too easily and i don't know how to weather the storm/work things out. this person really made me feel terrible, and now they act like nothing happened and they are being overly nice to me....that is so controlling and so abusive. it's like they don't want to put their hands on me, so they will just beat me up another way. and they are really good at playing victim, taking no responsibility for their bad actions.

This line sticks out to me for so many reasons. I had to keep looking at your screen name to make sure I did not write this. My ex would often gloat about never hitting a woman. But he threw so many things in my face. Laughed at friends that did me wrong. He took pleasure from people treating me poorly. And whenever someone treated me nicely he doubted the real reason behind it. I remember going to the parking lot after work and someone cleaned off my car for me. He told me the snow must have melted off. I told him it could not be because I was by my car 30 minutes prior and the ice was solid and all the other cars looked like mine. He scoffed at me and told me why did I think I was so special? It turned out that one of the store owners recognized my car and did it for me because I was so nice to him.

The harder I tried to show him I loved him, the worse he treated me. When I finally got the strength to end things he would be the man I fell for. But that lasted so briefly I often believed I imagined things. It was terrible. Writing this is so helpful. But makes me want to cry for what I went through and reading that you all went through similar. Just awful!

 

[Lucie]

@Lucie how did he react when you left?

ChasingBliss, he ignored me. Had no reaction. I guess he was used to me trying to smooth things over. When he realized I really was done he went all out. He rang my bell at late hours. Called me 100's of times. Stopped by anywhere he thought I would be.

He is still trying to get me back but the thought of seeing him would make me cry if I ever did lay eyes on him. He knew a lot of my past. The mistakes I made. People that used me. I really allowed him into my heart. Sometimes just the way he would look at me like filth would make me want to curl up. I cannot communicate with him. I am not that strong. I blocked his number from my job, cell, blocked e-mails, don't go where I know he will be. He has called me from other numbers but I just cannot continue speaking with him once I know it is him. He single-handedly almost destroyed me. I can still hear his snide remarks. I know he will be the man I loved initially and only in a matter of time he will be back to telling me that I think he is stupid. That he is older than me and has more life experience. That I didn't answer the phone fast enough. I don't love him like I say I do. I think too highly of myself. And whatever else I forgot.

 

[bluevalentine]

Everytime some one posts in here I have to run back in here and read.....so many similarities and shared experiences it's crazy. The dr jeckyll/mr Hyde persona, the rage they have, the abuse (in my case it was emotional), all of it. I feel for you ladies that have been through it or are going through it now.

My ex must be running low on his narcissistic supply, because now he's been sending Facebook messages to my sister trying to get me to call him and leaving roses on my vehicle. What a manipulator. He knows that in the past that would have worked on me but I'm different now thank God. I have no pity for him nor any hopes of us being together. All it is is him reverting to the person I first met and fell in love with...which is his false self and then he goes right back to being the awful person that he truly is ( a selfish delusional narcissist with a raging weed addiction). No thanks.

I can tell I've been researching and reading too much on this topic, but I just saw so much of my relationship in what I've read. I have so much peace now.

 

[Lucie]

Question to those who have been in relationships with these guys: What was he like during the courtship? I am really feeling weird after reading the comments and watching some of the videos...

The Girl, he was a dream. Everywhere we went, he introduced me to everyone. Told everyone how much he cared for me. Opened doors. Called to let me know he was thinking of me. Planned our outings. Bought me flowers for no reason. Surprise getaways. His friends would see me out and fight to pay for my things or take care of anything I needed. Real VIP treatment. Than the first misunderstanding occurred. He cut me out of his life like I never existed. Ignored my calls. Made me frantic. Came back like it was nothing. Apologized. Was on his A-game. Small misunderstanding. Ignored me. Came back and swore things would be different. Basically, a vicious cycle. Unfortunately, when the cycle started I had already fallen.

Yes, having a narc as a parent can make you more susceptible to either attracting them or being one yourself. If you look up anything describing the beginnings of a narcissist it almost always speaks on narc parents. Or very emotionally neglectful parents.

Also narcs gravitate to highly empathetic, compassionate, kind hearted people or those with even codependent personalities. Initially it's attractive to them because it involves traits they don't have but in a strange sense, wish they did. They know they are defective. The sad part is, the very thing they idealize you for is the very thing they wind up crapping on you for.

@ChasingBliss

YES! He would always ask me if I was real? Why was I so nice? How come I didn't nag? And why did I let people take advantage (old friends at the time) of me? He would demand I take action against them. Yet when I put my foot down with him he emotionally and verbally steamrolled me. It was like he was a bull and I was a kitten. It was terrible. The funny thing is I consider myself very assertive, a no-nonsense sort of woman. With him, it was like I was invisible.

He'd curse me out so bad, I'd hyperventilate. And maybe that caused him to have 5 seconds of guilt but he'd recover and tell me I made him react that way. Why did I have to make him so upset? Sometimes I wish he'd hit me because he was so verbally vicious I could never heal from his latest verbal smack down.

The ironic thing is that he was never like that with his friends. It's like he saved all of his vomit for me.

 

[ChasingBliss]

See, this thread alone speaks volumes on just how common this is. This mess is real and there are many many male and female textbook narcs out here wreaking havoc on other people's lives...whether it's their children, spouses, parents, close friends. I strongly believe that folks just don't recognize it as narcissism. A lot of times it's only us folks who are keen googlers, researchers/book readers, the types that run to the internet for info in everything....we are the ones who will be more likely to learn what it really is.

Thanks Lucie I don't even know you but I can tell you are a very sweet person with a beautiful spirit who just wants to stay happy and live life to the fullest. Glad you got that crap out of your life.

It's so funny because on Lisa Scott's 'All about him" message board, many of the women there are dumbfounded by other women's experiences and often say things like "omg, did we date the same man, I had the exact same experience!" Through and through. Like there is some narc manual out there that they ALL follow on how to be the worst jerks ever.

 

[Mitre]

Great Thread.

Narcissist need attention, and are liken to Vampires. Vampires suck blood from their victims, and Narcissist will suck your vibrational energy (life-force) from you. It does not matter if the energy is happy, depress, angry, sorrowful as long as it is directed at the narcissist (narcissistic supply) he is happy. If there is no energy the narcissist will creates it. Why ? without it he will literally regress, so in order for the narcissist to live he requires sustenance.

Narcissistic abuse have absolutely nothing to do with you since the narc see you as a mirror reflecting unhealed parts of himself. When the narcissist observe that you are happy he will gets rageful because you, the object, are not reflecting back what he feels. You are the Garbage Dump you are suppose to feel what he feels.

To get rid of a narcissist you must cut off all narcissistic supply the narcissist can obtain from you. This may include drastic measures such as avoiding friends, family, locations or simply putting on your poker face and stop thinking about him/her.

 

[ambergirl]

Great Thread. Narcissist need attention, and are liken to Vampires. Vampires suck blood from their victims, and Narcissist will suck your vibrational energy (life-force) from you. It does not matter if the energy is happy, depress, angry, sorrowful as long as it is directed at the narcissist (narcissistic supply) he is happy. If there is no energy the narcissist will creates it. Why ? without it he will literally regress, so in order for the narcissist to live he requires sustenance. Narcissistic abuse have absolutely nothing to do with you since the narc see you as a mirror reflecting unhealed parts of himself. When the narcissist observe that you are happy he will gets rageful because you, the object, are not reflecting back what he feels. You are the Garbage Dump you are suppose to feel what he feels. To get rid of a narcissist you must cut off all narcissistic supply the narcissist can obtain from you. This may include drastic measures such as avoiding friends, family, locations or simply putting on your poker face and stop thinking about him/her.

Now this is some truth!

And even amplified if you are sexual with people like this.

 

[intellectualuva]

Great Thread.

Narcissist need attention, and are liken to Vampires. Vampires suck blood from their victims, and Narcissist will suck your vibrational energy (life-force) from you. It does not matter if the energy is happy, depress, angry, sorrowful as long as it is directed at the narcissist (narcissistic supply) he is happy. If there is no energy the narcissist will creates it. Why ? without it he will literally regress, so in order for the narcissist to live he requires sustenance.

Narcissistic abuse have absolutely nothing to do with you since the narc see you as a mirror reflecting unhealed parts of himself. When the narcissist observe that you are happy he will gets rageful because you, the object, are not reflecting back what he feels. You are the Garbage Dump you are suppose to feel what he feels.

To get rid of a narcissist you must cut off all narcissistic supply the narcissist can obtain from you. This may include drastic measures such as avoiding friends, family, locations or simply putting on your poker face and stop thinking about him/her.

Holy moly. Its crazy to me. So many times, I would ride his emotional waves with him and when for whatever reason I couldn't I was accused of not caring or being cold. Then I get pulled in, out of frustration, into his crap...only to end up giving him energy I didn't have to begin with. A few days ago, I was in such a good mood. I had put aside his earlier comments and wanted to just hang. We had fun talking like the old days. I left to go home and he goes into his whims about how I didn't really want see him. I wanted to see his dog and left when I didn't have to...just nonsense. I left because he said he had to tutor (ie. Work). LOL. Anyway, he just sucked ALL the joy out of the afternoon with his comments. I kept pushing my disengage button and it didn't work. Smh. He wasn't happy or at least satisfied until he got me to say all these ego stroking woowoo stuff and there I was left with not a crumb of joy I had when I left his house.

I've been super busy and haven't spoken to him in a few days. I'll just leave it like that for good this time. I'm tired of feeling crazy. I think I'll subscribe to thread to remind me of what I've been up against.

 

[DarkJoy]

DO NOT QUOTE!!! PLEASE DONT QUOTE!

Someone asked specific examples of dealing with a narc. Well, here's one from yesterday:

Speaking of joykills, my narc dad called. Wow. And I wondered so many years how I have trouble with men but it was all right there in that conversation. It started with him asking about my Vday (I'm DIVORCING, remember, dad?) but I told him how I had a really great weekend (no exaggerating, I actually did). Well, that was obviously not what he wanted to hear.

He was going on and on about how its so wonderful he doesnt do this or that...but, oh YOU (meaning, me) still have to do that?! "Oh well," he says, *knowing chuckles* "I'm sorry. You know I dont mean anything by it."

He asked about his only grandchild once (doesnt ask specifics, just how is...."uh..." because he 'forgets' the ONLY grandbaby's he will ever have name because he admits 'he' did not want a granddaughter--as if it was about him and a choice I made against him) and that's it. Then goes on and on for a half an hour about himself and about how terrible these women (name it: doctors, lawyers, etc) are and how he would never entrust himself to a 'stupid' woman.

...until I tell him I have to go to bed... so he apologizes and goes on again for another 10 mins...

When I try to correct any of his statements (mostly against women, because I AM one) he gets EXPLOSIVE. So basically, I put myself on mute sometimes and watch TV while he thinks he is vampirizing me.

Mind you, this was him 'checking up' on me after my going ghost for 2 months to avoid this BS.

But really, just hearing his voice drains me dry.

 

[Bublin]

DarkJoy he sounds like a male version of my Mother.

 

[DarkJoy]

@DarkJoy he sounds like a male version of my Mother.

Well that's just...horrible. Sorry to hear that

 

[Layluh]

Lawd I can totally relate DarkJoy. They converse with you just to be snarky. Am I the only one who thinks it's hilarious?

 

[Ayesha81]

Everytime I come back in this thread my emotions get the best of me I just wanted to add something again... everything is a game to them including you and me.

 

[Bublin]

Everytime I come back in this thread my emotions get the best of me I just wanted to add something again... everything is a game to them including you and me.

We all have so many stories to tell. Some of the events we think we have forgotten often get triggered off, a thread like this is painful to a victim of pathological narcissism. We must be careful not to saturate and wollow.