How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!

God_Favor said:
What I've learned from my experience in this type of toxic situations is to stop putting so much studying , time, thoughts, efforts, etc. , on studying and understand the narcs behaviors and tendencies. In the beginning it was very thrilling to read and see that he was a certified narc, but then I had to deal with my truth.

Which was, what was so broken in me that I allowed this sick man to bring me into his world and let his lifestyle become my norm. This has lead me to really figuring out me. What made me think it was ok?? How was it so easy for him to make me second guess myself?? Everything comes back to me. I can finally say I'm done blaming him. He only did what I allowed.

But, because of that situation I've discovered ME, and I have so much love and respect for myself that I can honestly say I will never put myself on the back burner , just to have someone that isn't worth a cent....
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I could totally relate to this! Finally taking my power back. My voice. I got a few people like this in my life. Yesterday, I finally stood up for myself. But i was so angry and anxiety kicked in. I was mad that I allowed those people to waste my time again like that. And if I told a certain relative about it, that person would have told me to forgive and give those people another chance. That relative puts up with so much to be the bigger person. I don't want that kind of weight on my shoulders. I'm tired of trying to see the good in bad people.
 
ommns said:
I wonder if this type of personality can be detected at a young age and 'stopped' - with therapy or whatever- before they become adults
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I am going to say it depends.

Narcissistic personality disorder is born out of either extreme abuse or extreme coddling and babying a child.

The development of NPD could be arrested if child services is called early enough and remove the child from the home. But that has to be super early like by the age of 3.
Same with the over coddling and putting the child on a pedestal types.

There is no cure once it sets in. you just have to write them off.
 
ommns said:
I wonder if this type of personality can be detected at a young age and 'stopped' - with therapy or whatever- before they become adults
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I know of a child like this now, but the environment nurtures the behavior. This child doesn't stand a chance. I've never seen anything like it before in real life. I knew plenty of kids with behavioral problems, but not like this. The child is literally Satan's seed.
 
DarkJoy said:
I am going to say it depends.

Narcissistic personality disorder is born out of either extreme abuse or extreme coddling and babying a child.

The development of NPD could be arrested if child services is called early enough and remove the child from the home. But that has to be super early like by the age of 3.
Same with the over coddling and putting the child on a pedestal types.

There is no cure once it sets in. you just have to write them off.
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After many, many years, I just realized that my mother is a Narcissist. While she is not as extreme as some, but on a scale between 1 t0 10, with 10 being extreme, I would say that she is a 2. I guess there is no way that they can cure themselves with therapy? I guess they would have to first admit that they have a problem, which they probably will never admit. I think that it's kind of sad that this one disorder cannot be treated. It saddens me because I was never close to my mother because of her behavior and now as an adult, I hardly speak to her. I call her just to "check in" and calls on holidays and birthdays.
 
ommns said:
After many, many years, I just realized that my mother is a Narcissist. I guess there is no way that they can cure themselves with therapy? I guess they would have to first admit that they have a problem, which they probably will never admit.
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No. A narcissist believes there is nothing wrong with them to see a therapist in the first place. It's everyone else with the problem. If one does go to therapy, it just ends of being a battle of wits, wherein the narc begins to use the therapist for their narcissistic supply. Very frustrating for the therapist. The narc has zero ability for self reflection.

My mother also has a bit of narc in her along with another extreme mental illness. As I noted above, she outright says there is nothing wrong with her, she is perfect, everyone else is the problem. She holds on to this even when her world is crumbling around her.
 
shortdub78 said:
I know of a child like this now, but the environment nurtures the behavior. This child doesn't stand a chance. I've never seen anything like it before in real life. I knew plenty of kids with behavioral problems, but not like this. The child is literally Satan's seed.
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Reminds me of "american horror story" -horror show -and the horrid murdering man child...
 
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DarkJoy said:
No. A narcissist believes there is nothing wrong with them to see a therapist in the first place. It's everyone else with the problem. If one does go to therapy, it just ends of being a battle of wits, wherein the narc begins to use the therapist for their narcissistic supply. Very frustrating for the therapist. The narc has zero ability for self reflection.

My mother also has a bit of narc in her along with another extreme mental illness. As I noted above, she outright says there is nothing wrong with her, she is perfect, everyone else is the problem. She holds on to this even when her world is crumbling around her.
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*:yep:Zero self-reflection
*Entitled
*Everything is about them
*They must win and be in the power seat, the higher position, everyone else is beneath them
*Pathological
*Make those around them sick, physically/mentally/emotionally exhausted
*No cure
 
DarkJoy said:
No. A narcissist believes there is nothing wrong with them to see a therapist in the first place. It's everyone else with the problem. If one does go to therapy, it just ends of being a battle of wits, wherein the narc begins to use the therapist for their narcissistic supply. Very frustrating for the therapist. The narc has zero ability for self reflection.

My mother also has a bit of narc in her along with another extreme mental illness. As I noted above, she outright says there is nothing wrong with her, she is perfect, everyone else is the problem. She holds on to this even when her world is crumbling around her.
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They cannot feel anything and they never think they're wrong so they can't be helped. They literally have no souls. My ex husband was the king of gaslighting and I just fed into like all victims of narcs do.
 
hopeful said:
Another helpful website. Healing from codependency so that you are no longer prey for or attracted to a narcissist. https://www.whatiscodependency.com/recovery-from-codependency/
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Wow, I related to so much of this. Some of it actually came up in my last therapy session. I've focused mainly on the fact that my father was largely absent after my parents split, but he was also an alcoholic. That adds another layer to this thing.

I'm still unsure about whether or not I was dealing with a narc or just a cruel a-hole. He has definitely has some of the traits but everything doesn't quite fit.
 
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MzLady78 said:
Wow, I related to so much of this. Some of it actually came up in my last therapy session.

I'm still unsure about whether or not I was dealing with a narc or just a cruel a-hole. He has definitely has some of the traits but everything doesn't quite fit.
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What matters is that you discovered that you are codependent. We put up with too much for far too long from everybody, including narcs. One thing you do know is that he was a piece of work, difficult, wishy washy etc. I think it’s easier to detect a narc if you live with them. If your guy was one he may have been able to hide that and keep it from you. Either way thank goodness you are becoming more focused on you. It starts and ends there.
 
hopeful said:
What matters is that you discovered that you are codependent. We put up with too much for far too long from everybody, including narcs. One thing you do know is that he was a piece of work, difficult, wishy washy etc. I think it’s easier to detect a narc if you live with them. If your guy was one he may have been able to hide that and keep it from you. Either way thank goodness you are becoming more focused on you. It starts and ends there.
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Right. At this point, I'm less concerned about trying to figure him out and more concerned about addressing the issues that made me fall so hard for someone like him in the first place. The pieces are starting to come together. It's a lot to sort through and it's overwhelming at times. I'm in the middle of I don't know how many books, trying to get answers about the things that are surfacing.
 
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OneShinyface said:
@hopeful - Thanks for sharing this. Since my divorce from a narc, I managed to get into a relationship with another one. I did recognize it and got out. This info is helpful in steering clear in the first place.
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I remember you were seeing someone for a bit and he disappeared, I wondered what happened.

Glad you got out.

I'm seeing a lot of stuff about narcissism everywhere all of the sudden. I wonder if there's some kind of uptick in narcissistic personalities, or more people are putting the pieces together and recognizing the disorder.
 
MzLady78 said:
I remember you were seeing someone for a bit and he disappeared, I wondered what happened.

Glad you got out.
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Yes, I am too. Between his narcissism and his bratty daughters (that he wanted me to fix), I saw a future where I was not going to be in a good place.

The moment of clarity was amazing and I acted swiftly and closed off all communication. Several months later, he had the nerve to send me a book about healing from a bad relationship - implying that I needed to heal from my relationship with my ex-husband. I chuckled and returned the book to Amazon. I hope they refunded his money.
 
Dposh167 said:
Can i ask what were some examples of his behavior that u recognized?
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There were several, but among those stood out were:
  • Lying - Not the blatant lies my ex-hubby narc did; he would just withhold info or omit details because he was a "good Christian" who went to church every Sunday
  • Mirroring - he claimed to enjoy everything I did and seemed to be convincing of it until it became too much for him to keep up
  • Lack of empathy - especially when my mom passed - the day after she passed he said "now you'll see how my girls feel without their mother" - not the right thing to say
  • It was all about him - he is a consultant who can work anywhere, but wanted me to quit my high-paying corporate position, sell my home, move 1,200 miles to take a lower paying position and live in an apartment near him while I wait for him to decide what he wanted. He also couldn't understand why I didn't want to live with him in the house he built with his late wife. Said the issue was all in my head.
  • My style became a problem - he initially lavished me with compliments on my attire; then once he noticed others complimenting me, he started telling me I was "too flashy" and become very critical of my appearance
There's much more, but hopefully that gives you a sense of it.
 
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