How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!
- Thread starter londontresses
- Start date
Someone shared this at another thread: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/art-of-seduction-by-robert-greene-part.html
As one commenter said: Chilling.
I am reminding myself of the advice given to not spend too, too much time trying to understand them, though.
As one commenter said: Chilling.
I am reminding myself of the advice given to not spend too, too much time trying to understand them, though.
I'm really wondering! It's concerning.
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
kweenameena
Well-Known Member
Feb 2014 was my last real contact with my narc mom. She is trying to get her life together and is constantly sending sweet messages and pics to me through my sister. But I'm numb to her. I haven't spoken to my dad since 2014 either. I've realized my whole family unit on my dad's side plays a narc role and I'm the scapegoat, the truth seeker, the sensitive one. So I've cut them off as well. I miss having family. But I feel healthier and way more confident without them. I don't regret going no-contact. The first year was very hard. But now that I have peace and have rebuilt my self-esteem....I always ask myself I really wanna give that up to deal with the narcs again. The answer is always HE!! NO!
caribeandiva
Human being
I had a cousin move into my old bedroom at my parents' house when she moved to the US to get situated since we were her only family. We figured it wouldn't be a big deal since our moms are sisters. Wrong. My parents did her dirty too just like they did us, their own kids. At least they don't discriminate. Anyway, my mom voluntarily sent my cousin $ as a gift to move here even though kept refusing her (I was there when my mom asked her). Well my mom sent it anyway and then proceeded to keep asking the girl to pay her back since it was a loan. 
Well my cousin moved out and paid her back every cent and thanked her for all of her help over the years. Now my mom is harassing her, calling her ungrateful, how dare she give the $ back because it was a gift, texting her nonstop. Now my mom forwarded those texts to me as proof that my cousin is rude and disrespectful. I'm just sitting side eying my mom hard and sipping my tea. I ain't gonna do sht. My parents are something else.
Well my cousin moved out and paid her back every cent and thanked her for all of her help over the years. Now my mom is harassing her, calling her ungrateful, how dare she give the $ back because it was a gift, texting her nonstop. Now my mom forwarded those texts to me as proof that my cousin is rude and disrespectful. I'm just sitting side eying my mom hard and sipping my tea. I ain't gonna do sht. My parents are something else.
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
A good read!
Psychopath Free
Advice and support on recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and other Toxic People.
The author also started a forum:
https://www.psychopathfree.com/forum.php
Psychopath Free
Advice and support on recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and other Toxic People.
The author also started a forum:
https://www.psychopathfree.com/forum.php
caribeandiva
Human being
I'm gonna start listening to the audiobook on my way home later today! Thanks for sharing.
caribeandiva
Human being
caribeandiva
Human being
Here are the 30 signs I mentioned earlier in case you aren't reading the Psychopath-free book:
30 Red Flags of Manipulative People
From the Psychopath Free book, now available in Barnes & Noble storeseverywhere and online at: http://book.psychopathfree.com
There are a lot of phenomenal studies on the traits and characteristics of psychopaths. For professional research, check out Cleckley’s criteria or Hare’s psychopathy checklist. A quick Google search ought to do the trick. The red flags in this book are intended to supplement those resources.
So what’s different about this list? Well, for one, it’s specifically about relationships. But it’s also about you. Each point requires introspection and self-awareness. Because if you want to spot toxic people, you cannot focus entirely on their behavior—that’s only half the battle. You must also come to recognize the looming red flags in your own heart. Then, you will be ready for anything.
1. You feel on-edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. You find yourself writing off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive, because you’re in constant competition with others for their attention and praise. They don't seem to care when you leave their side—they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy.
2. They withhold attention and undermine your self-esteem. After first hooking you with praise and flattery, they suddenly become reclusive and uninterested. They make you feel desperate & needy, ensuring that you are always the one to initiate contact or physical intimacy.
3. Plasters your Facebook page with compliments, flattery, songs, and poems. They text you dozens, if not hundreds of times per day. You come to rely on this over-communication as a source of confidence.
4. Quickly declares you their soul mate. And for some reason, you don’t find it creepy. They tell you how much they have in common with you. On the first few dates, you do most of the talking and they just can’t believe how perfect you are for them.
5. Compares you to everyone else in their life. Ex-lovers, friends, family members, and your eventual replacement. When idealizing, they make you feel special by telling you how much better you are than these people. When devaluing, they use these comparisons to hurt you.
6. Lies & excuses. There is always an excuse for everything, even things that don’t require excusing. They make up lies faster than you can question them. They will always blame others—it is never their fault. They spend more time rationalizing their behavior than improving it.
7. No startle response. Total absence of anxiety, fear, and worry where there otherwise should be. They are also very easily bored by the familiar. You write this off as calm and cool, often feeling inferior and over-sensitive because you have normal human emotions.
8. Insults you with a condescending, joking sort of attitude. Smirks when you try to express yourself. Teasing becomes the primary mode of communication in your relationship. They subtly belittle your intelligence and achievements. If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive and crazy.
9. Uses social networking to provoke jealousy and rivalries while maintaining their cover of innocence. They once focused all of their attention on you, but now they post ambiguous videos and statuses to make you doubt your place in their heart. They bait previously denounced exes with old songs and inside jokes. They attend to new activity and ignores yours.
10. You find yourself playing detective. It’s never happened in any other relationship, but suddenly you’re scrolling back years on their Facebook page and albums. Same with their ex. You’re seeking answers to a feeling you can’t quite explain.
11. Surrounds themselves with former lovers and potential mates. Brags that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you there is nothing to worry about. These people make you feel jealous and give off the perception that your partner is in high-demand.
12. Hyperbolizes emotions while displaying none of them. They make passionate statements like “I’ve never felt so happy in my life” in a completely robotic voice. It sounds like an alien trying to explain how they imagine human emotions might feel.
13. You are the only one who sees their true colors. Others will think they're the nicest person in the world, even though they are used for money, resources, and attention. They won’t care because he/she strategically distracts them with shallow praise (often done over social networking). Psychopaths are able to maintain superficial friendships far longer than their relationships.
14. Accuses you of emotions that they are intentionally provoking. They will call you jealous after blatantly flirting with their ex over social networking for the world to see. They will call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for three days straight.
15. Cannot put themselves in your shoes, or anyone else’s for that matter. You find yourself desperately trying to explain how they might feel if you were treating them this way, and they just stare at you blankly.
16. You are engaged in constant conversations about their ex. You know them by name, and you know everything about their relationship—at least, your partner's version of events. The ex becomes one of the most frequent topics of discussion in your relationship.
17. You find yourself explaining the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown man/woman. Normal people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty and kindness. No adult should need to be told how they are making other people feel.
18. Focuses on your mistakes and ignores their own. If they're two hours late, don’t forget that you were once five minutes late to your first date. If you point out their mistakes, they will always be quick to turn the conversation back on you.
19. Suddenly and completely bored by you. Gives you the silent treatment and becomes very annoyed that you seem to be interested in continuing the passionate relationship that they created. You are now a chore to them.
20. The ultimate hypocrite. They have extremely high expectations for fidelity, respect, and adoration. After the idealization phase, they will give none of this back to you. They will cheat, lie, insult, and degrade. But you are expected to remain perfect.
21. Sometimes it seems as though they've forgotten who they're supposed to be around you. They adopt different personas for different people—transforming their entire personality to match various audiences. It’s always very eerie when they slip and accidentally use the wrong mask for you. You will start to feel that their personality just doesn’t seem to add up.
22. An unusual amount of “crazy” people in their past. Any ex-partner or friend who did not come crawling back to them will likely be labeled jealous, bipolar, an alcoholic, or some other nasty smear. They will speak about you the same way to their next target.
23. Flatters your deepest insecurities. If you’re self-conscious about your looks, they'll call you the sexiest person in the world. If you’ve got a need to entertain, they'll say you’re the funniest person they've ever known. They will also mirror your greatest fantasies, playing whatever role is necessary to win your heart.
24. Frequently comments about what you’re wearing and how you look. They try to arrange you. You become obsessed with your appearance, noticing flaws that likely don’t even exist. During and after the relationship, you will spend significantly more time in front of the mirror. (Thank you to our member, ckwanderlust, for these valuable insights).
25. You fear that any fight could be your last. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but psychopaths make it clear that negative conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially ones regarding their behavior. You apologize and forgive quickly, otherwise you know they'll lose interest in you.
26. Obsessed with humiliating successful, kind & cheerful people. Delighted by the idea of breaking up friendships and marriages. If you work hard to maintain interpersonal peace in your life, they will make it their mission to uproot all of it.
27. Gaslighting. Blatantly denies their own manipulative behavior and ignores evidence when confronted with it. They will become angry if you attempt to disprove their delusions with facts.
28. They expect you to read their mind. If they stop communicating with you for several days, it’s your fault for not knowing about the plans they never told you about. There will always be a self-victimizing excuse to go along with this.
29. Selfishness and a crippling thirst for attention. They drain the energy from you and consume your entire life. Their demand for adoration is insatiable. You thought you were the only one who could make them happy, but now you feel that anyone with a beating pulse could fit the role. However, the truth is: no one can fill the void of a psychopath’s soul.
30. Your feelings. After a run-in with a psychopath, you will feel insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, suicidal, and empty. You will tear apart your entire life—spending money, ending friendships, and searching for some sort of reason behind it all.
Note: These Red Flags have been updated, based on survey responses from more than 1,000 survivors! These include Covert Gossiping, Arrogance, and much more. Enter your email below (I'll only send one message) to be notified when the new edition is released:
You will find that normal, loving people do not raise any of these flags. After an encounter with a psychopath, most survivors face the struggle of hypervigilance: who can really be trusted? Your gauge will swing back and forth for a while, like a volatile pendulum. You will wonder if you’ve gone absolutely mad—wanting to believe the best in an old friend or a new date, but feeling sick to the stomach when you actually spend time with them.
Developing your intuition is a personal process, but I would leave you with this: the world is mostly full of good people, and you don’t want to miss out on that because you’ve been hurt. Spend some time getting in touch with your feelings. Keep tweaking until you find a comfortable balance of awareness and trust. Look within and understand why you felt the way you did. You will discover that many old relationships may need revisiting. And as you begin to abandon toxic patterns, healthier ones will inevitably appear in their place.
To quote a longtime member & friend, Phoenix, you will stop asking “Do they like me?” and start asking “Do I like them?”
You can check out the rest of the Psychopath Free book here: http://book.psychopathfree.com
30 Red Flags of Manipulative People
From the Psychopath Free book, now available in Barnes & Noble storeseverywhere and online at: http://book.psychopathfree.com
There are a lot of phenomenal studies on the traits and characteristics of psychopaths. For professional research, check out Cleckley’s criteria or Hare’s psychopathy checklist. A quick Google search ought to do the trick. The red flags in this book are intended to supplement those resources.
So what’s different about this list? Well, for one, it’s specifically about relationships. But it’s also about you. Each point requires introspection and self-awareness. Because if you want to spot toxic people, you cannot focus entirely on their behavior—that’s only half the battle. You must also come to recognize the looming red flags in your own heart. Then, you will be ready for anything.
1. You feel on-edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. You find yourself writing off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive, because you’re in constant competition with others for their attention and praise. They don't seem to care when you leave their side—they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy.
2. They withhold attention and undermine your self-esteem. After first hooking you with praise and flattery, they suddenly become reclusive and uninterested. They make you feel desperate & needy, ensuring that you are always the one to initiate contact or physical intimacy.
3. Plasters your Facebook page with compliments, flattery, songs, and poems. They text you dozens, if not hundreds of times per day. You come to rely on this over-communication as a source of confidence.
4. Quickly declares you their soul mate. And for some reason, you don’t find it creepy. They tell you how much they have in common with you. On the first few dates, you do most of the talking and they just can’t believe how perfect you are for them.
5. Compares you to everyone else in their life. Ex-lovers, friends, family members, and your eventual replacement. When idealizing, they make you feel special by telling you how much better you are than these people. When devaluing, they use these comparisons to hurt you.
6. Lies & excuses. There is always an excuse for everything, even things that don’t require excusing. They make up lies faster than you can question them. They will always blame others—it is never their fault. They spend more time rationalizing their behavior than improving it.
7. No startle response. Total absence of anxiety, fear, and worry where there otherwise should be. They are also very easily bored by the familiar. You write this off as calm and cool, often feeling inferior and over-sensitive because you have normal human emotions.
8. Insults you with a condescending, joking sort of attitude. Smirks when you try to express yourself. Teasing becomes the primary mode of communication in your relationship. They subtly belittle your intelligence and achievements. If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive and crazy.
9. Uses social networking to provoke jealousy and rivalries while maintaining their cover of innocence. They once focused all of their attention on you, but now they post ambiguous videos and statuses to make you doubt your place in their heart. They bait previously denounced exes with old songs and inside jokes. They attend to new activity and ignores yours.
10. You find yourself playing detective. It’s never happened in any other relationship, but suddenly you’re scrolling back years on their Facebook page and albums. Same with their ex. You’re seeking answers to a feeling you can’t quite explain.
11. Surrounds themselves with former lovers and potential mates. Brags that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you there is nothing to worry about. These people make you feel jealous and give off the perception that your partner is in high-demand.
12. Hyperbolizes emotions while displaying none of them. They make passionate statements like “I’ve never felt so happy in my life” in a completely robotic voice. It sounds like an alien trying to explain how they imagine human emotions might feel.
13. You are the only one who sees their true colors. Others will think they're the nicest person in the world, even though they are used for money, resources, and attention. They won’t care because he/she strategically distracts them with shallow praise (often done over social networking). Psychopaths are able to maintain superficial friendships far longer than their relationships.
14. Accuses you of emotions that they are intentionally provoking. They will call you jealous after blatantly flirting with their ex over social networking for the world to see. They will call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for three days straight.
15. Cannot put themselves in your shoes, or anyone else’s for that matter. You find yourself desperately trying to explain how they might feel if you were treating them this way, and they just stare at you blankly.
16. You are engaged in constant conversations about their ex. You know them by name, and you know everything about their relationship—at least, your partner's version of events. The ex becomes one of the most frequent topics of discussion in your relationship.
17. You find yourself explaining the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown man/woman. Normal people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty and kindness. No adult should need to be told how they are making other people feel.
18. Focuses on your mistakes and ignores their own. If they're two hours late, don’t forget that you were once five minutes late to your first date. If you point out their mistakes, they will always be quick to turn the conversation back on you.
19. Suddenly and completely bored by you. Gives you the silent treatment and becomes very annoyed that you seem to be interested in continuing the passionate relationship that they created. You are now a chore to them.
20. The ultimate hypocrite. They have extremely high expectations for fidelity, respect, and adoration. After the idealization phase, they will give none of this back to you. They will cheat, lie, insult, and degrade. But you are expected to remain perfect.
21. Sometimes it seems as though they've forgotten who they're supposed to be around you. They adopt different personas for different people—transforming their entire personality to match various audiences. It’s always very eerie when they slip and accidentally use the wrong mask for you. You will start to feel that their personality just doesn’t seem to add up.
22. An unusual amount of “crazy” people in their past. Any ex-partner or friend who did not come crawling back to them will likely be labeled jealous, bipolar, an alcoholic, or some other nasty smear. They will speak about you the same way to their next target.
23. Flatters your deepest insecurities. If you’re self-conscious about your looks, they'll call you the sexiest person in the world. If you’ve got a need to entertain, they'll say you’re the funniest person they've ever known. They will also mirror your greatest fantasies, playing whatever role is necessary to win your heart.
24. Frequently comments about what you’re wearing and how you look. They try to arrange you. You become obsessed with your appearance, noticing flaws that likely don’t even exist. During and after the relationship, you will spend significantly more time in front of the mirror. (Thank you to our member, ckwanderlust, for these valuable insights).
25. You fear that any fight could be your last. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but psychopaths make it clear that negative conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially ones regarding their behavior. You apologize and forgive quickly, otherwise you know they'll lose interest in you.
26. Obsessed with humiliating successful, kind & cheerful people. Delighted by the idea of breaking up friendships and marriages. If you work hard to maintain interpersonal peace in your life, they will make it their mission to uproot all of it.
27. Gaslighting. Blatantly denies their own manipulative behavior and ignores evidence when confronted with it. They will become angry if you attempt to disprove their delusions with facts.
28. They expect you to read their mind. If they stop communicating with you for several days, it’s your fault for not knowing about the plans they never told you about. There will always be a self-victimizing excuse to go along with this.
29. Selfishness and a crippling thirst for attention. They drain the energy from you and consume your entire life. Their demand for adoration is insatiable. You thought you were the only one who could make them happy, but now you feel that anyone with a beating pulse could fit the role. However, the truth is: no one can fill the void of a psychopath’s soul.
30. Your feelings. After a run-in with a psychopath, you will feel insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, suicidal, and empty. You will tear apart your entire life—spending money, ending friendships, and searching for some sort of reason behind it all.
Note: These Red Flags have been updated, based on survey responses from more than 1,000 survivors! These include Covert Gossiping, Arrogance, and much more. Enter your email below (I'll only send one message) to be notified when the new edition is released:
You will find that normal, loving people do not raise any of these flags. After an encounter with a psychopath, most survivors face the struggle of hypervigilance: who can really be trusted? Your gauge will swing back and forth for a while, like a volatile pendulum. You will wonder if you’ve gone absolutely mad—wanting to believe the best in an old friend or a new date, but feeling sick to the stomach when you actually spend time with them.
Developing your intuition is a personal process, but I would leave you with this: the world is mostly full of good people, and you don’t want to miss out on that because you’ve been hurt. Spend some time getting in touch with your feelings. Keep tweaking until you find a comfortable balance of awareness and trust. Look within and understand why you felt the way you did. You will discover that many old relationships may need revisiting. And as you begin to abandon toxic patterns, healthier ones will inevitably appear in their place.
To quote a longtime member & friend, Phoenix, you will stop asking “Do they like me?” and start asking “Do I like them?”
You can check out the rest of the Psychopath Free book here: http://book.psychopathfree.com
God_Favor
Well-Known Member
What I've learned from my experience in this type of toxic situations is to stop putting so much studying , time, thoughts, efforts, etc. , on studying and understand the narcs behaviors and tendencies. In the beginning it was very thrilling to read and see that he was a certified narc, but then I had to deal with my truth.
Which was, what was so broken in me that I allowed this sick man to bring me into his world and let his lifestyle become my norm. This has lead me to really figuring out me. What made me think it was ok?? How was it so easy for him to make me second guess myself?? Everything comes back to me. I can finally say I'm done blaming him. He only did what I allowed.
But, because of that situation I've discovered ME, and I have so much love and respect for myself that I can honestly say I will never put myself on the back burner , just to have someone that isn't worth a cent....
Which was, what was so broken in me that I allowed this sick man to bring me into his world and let his lifestyle become my norm. This has lead me to really figuring out me. What made me think it was ok?? How was it so easy for him to make me second guess myself?? Everything comes back to me. I can finally say I'm done blaming him. He only did what I allowed.
But, because of that situation I've discovered ME, and I have so much love and respect for myself that I can honestly say I will never put myself on the back burner , just to have someone that isn't worth a cent....
Kim0105
Well-Known Member
I could have written all of this myself!
JustifiablyMe
Well-Known Member
I'm not sure if this book has been mentioned here but I highly recommend "Women Who Love Psychopaths." It really breaks it down for you how they have a brain disorder and cannot be changed, for those that foolishly hold on to hope of him changing one day.
OneShinyface
Well-Known Member
Here's a link to an interesting article/viewpoint.
Lissa0821
Well-Known Member
My Narcissistic ex was able to convince my niece to give him my number and he called, of course he went straight to voicemail. I talked to my niece and she explained her reasons for what she did. I have debated all day about whether or not to call him. But the more I think about it more it is becoming clear it would serve no purpose for me.
OneShinyface
Well-Known Member
Avoid it. Just move forward. Don't give him your energy. That's what he feeds off of.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Be strong @Lissa0821! It will always end the same. Promises, charm, lies, broken heart. Rinse and repeat. I'm sure you've already given him a hundred chances.
TrulyBlessed
Well-Known Member
Would it be safe to say that narcissist men are misogynists? A few acquaintances I know who I suspect are narcissists all give off this vibe.
ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
YES it is very very safe to say this.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Reposting because no woman should date until she reads the above mentioned book, plus How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before you get involved and the accompanying workbook, by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
@hopeful, I wanted to address this here so as to not distract the relationship thread.
Over the past little while, I've been studying Sam Vaknin, diagnosed and admitted narcissist (author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited) . He goes into why some narcissist are incredible in bed and why others are nonsexual. The same also goes for the borderline, who are in the inverse of narcissists and are highly attracted to narcissists and vice versa.
Basically, their crazy good sex is not just to hook their victim, it's feeding their narcissist supply.
Honestly, I can't recommend Sam's work enough. He's a narcissist yes so these vids and books are his narc supply, but the info left me less confused and with good understanding of who they are, why they are and how ppl get sucked in.
And the vids are great. He's got years and years worth up. I'm sick of reading psych books. I'm a visual learner anyway
Why do the crazy ones always have the best crayon?
Sam Vaknin was mentioned in passing in this thread but I will really have to stress his work here:
Over the past little while, I've been studying Sam Vaknin, diagnosed and admitted narcissist (author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited) . He goes into why some narcissist are incredible in bed and why others are nonsexual. The same also goes for the borderline, who are in the inverse of narcissists and are highly attracted to narcissists and vice versa.
Basically, their crazy good sex is not just to hook their victim, it's feeding their narcissist supply.
Honestly, I can't recommend Sam's work enough. He's a narcissist yes so these vids and books are his narc supply, but the info left me less confused and with good understanding of who they are, why they are and how ppl get sucked in.
And the vids are great. He's got years and years worth up. I'm sick of reading psych books. I'm a visual learner anyway
happycakes
Well-Known Member
A Narcissist person to me, is someone who will not look after my safety when in their care. Someone who doesn't care about my feelings, thoughts, opinion, goals, dreams etc..........
I'm a giver, so naturally I would do all of these things for anyone in my life.
And heavens forbid if they forget my birthday and Valentine's Day, that would be end to all.
They'd be fired! LOL
Tis all.
I'm a giver, so naturally I would do all of these things for anyone in my life.
And heavens forbid if they forget my birthday and Valentine's Day, that would be end to all.
They'd be fired! LOL
Tis all.
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ElegantPearl17
Well-Known Member
Ever wish you had a phrase up your sleeve to help you disarm a narcissist? Ever wish you could outsmart a narcissist? This video offers you 5 key phrases you can use to disarm a narcissist the next time you get into some kind of a verbal altercation with them.
Narcissists want to manipulate your emotions. When you learn how to make the narcissist aware that you are no longer concerned with how he or she sees you, their power over you begins to dissolve.
1) I am sorry you feel that way.
2) I can accept your faulty perception of me.
3) I have no right to control how you see me.
4) I guess I have to accept how you feel.
5) Your anger is not my responsibility.
All these phrases send home the idea that you are no longer willing to allow your fear of what the narcissist thinks to control you.
Narcissists want to manipulate your emotions. When you learn how to make the narcissist aware that you are no longer concerned with how he or she sees you, their power over you begins to dissolve.
1) I am sorry you feel that way.
2) I can accept your faulty perception of me.
3) I have no right to control how you see me.
4) I guess I have to accept how you feel.
5) Your anger is not my responsibility.
All these phrases send home the idea that you are no longer willing to allow your fear of what the narcissist thinks to control you.
ChasingBliss
Well-Known Member
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