How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!

OneShinyface said:
@hopeful - Thanks for sharing this. Since my divorce from a narc, I managed to get into a relationship with another one. I did recognize it and got out. This info is helpful in steering clear in the first place.
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I’m glad that was helpful. It is very common to end up with another narcissist after you leave one if you haven’t healed first. By the time you leave a narcissist you feel broken and are hungry for attention and love. A predator can smell that a mile away. The second guy is always nicer because your radar is up. But because you are so wounded internally you miss all of the other signs because he is so much nicer or at least appears to be. After one of these relationships you really do need time to heal, from the trauma of the relationship and from whatever issue you had inside of you that compelled you to suffer in the first place (usually codependency). But well done and good for you for surviving a toxic marriage and breaking free from the nice narc. The best is yet to come.
 
OneShinyface said:
...Lack of empathy - especially when my mom passed - the day after she passed he said "now you'll see how my girls feel without their mother" - not the right thing to say
  • It was all about him - he is a consultant who can work anywhere, but wanted me to quit my high-paying corporate position, sell my home, move 1,200 miles to take a lower paying position and live in an apartment near him while I wait for him to decide what he wanted. He also couldn't understand why I didn't want to live with him in the house he built with his late wife. Said the issue was all in my head.
  • My style became a problem - he initially lavished me with compliments on my attire; then once he noticed others complimenting me, he started telling me I was "too flashy" and become very critical of my appearance
There's much more, but hopefully that gives you a sense of it.
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the bolded pissed me off. Self-centered to the max. That comment about your mom said it all. :censored: He wanted you to leave your nice high paying job and then be on HIS turf all alone. That way you’d be trapped, defenseless and unable to leave him. You wouldn’t have a supportive system anymore and that was part of his plan. I find that the narcs I know have very few friends IF ANY! And they try to shame me for having friends.

Don’t you love when they use their favorite tactic: gaslighting. “Oh I’m not crazy. YOU’RE crazy! It’s all in your head! I’m criticizing you and your clothes because I want to HELP you. I don’t want people talking behind your back about your clothes or your behavior.” At first you fall for it but mercifully come to your senses eventually. Then the smear campaign starts. They take zero responsibility for any wrongdoing and blame it all on you. “You’re immature, you need to grow up and get over it!” They tell people you were obsessed with them, etc... Anything to diminish you and devalue your worth as a human being.
 
Hey ya'll. Didn't want to start a separate thread, but hoping some of you ladies are actually watching this thread and will chime in with advice.

A bit of background first. I am extremely close to my sons and their SOs. We are ALWAYS doing something together; even if it's meeting for happy hour or a quick bite to eat. Since the divorce almost three years ago, the boys' birthdays have been celebrated without the ex-spouse narc. He rarely spends time with them and normally ignores them on their birthdays and for holidays. And I haven't seen him since he came to my mother's funeral against my vehement protests against it almost two years ago.

Now to the present. My oldest turns 30 in April and his husband has decided to throw him a surprise party at their condo. He has informed me that he intends to invite their dad and that it would mean so much to both of my sons to have us both there. He knows how ugly and tumultuous the split was and that I don't want to be within viewing distance of the ex. He is a textbook narc and will find a way to torture me; I know it.

If he is attending, I'm not planning to attend my son's party and will instead, plan something for him afterwards. Am I wrong?
 
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OneShinyface said:
Hey ya'll. Didn't want to start a separate thread, but hoping some of you ladies are actually watching this thread and will chime in with advice.

A bit of background first. I am extremely close to my sons and their SOs. We are ALWAYS doing something together; even if it's meeting for happy hour or a quick bite to eat. Since the divorce almost three years ago, the boys' birthdays have been celebrated without the ex-spouse narc. He rarely spends time with them and normally ignores them on their birthdays and for holidays. And I haven't seen him since he came to my mother's funeral against my vehement protests against it almost two years ago.

Now to the present. My oldest turns 30 in April and his husband has decided to throw him a surprise party at their condo. He has informed me that he intends to invite their dad and that it would mean so much to both of my sons to have us both there. He knows how ugly and tumultuous the split was and that I don't want to be within viewing distance of the ex. He is a textbook narc and will find a way to torture me; I know it.

If he is attending, I'm not planning to attend my son's party and will instead, plan something for him afterwards. Am I wrong?
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no you aren't, you should do whatever is required to protect yourself.
but perhaps you should do everything possible to explain / make it up to your son. Whicj it seems you have thouht of already
 
Why would he think they would want him there? Even if they aren't privvy to what exactly went down with you and him (and knowing how close you and the boys are, I'd be surprised), the way he's treated them would lead me to think they wouldn't particularly want him there.

I'm really surprised that this is even an issue. But no, you aren't wrong at all.
 
hopeful said:
@OneShinyface
So this is your son’s partner who is planning the surprise party? Is he being messy? Maybe your son wouldn’t even want his dad there.
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Yes. They eloped in November and have been together 5 years, so he knows the history and subsequent craziness.

Part of me wonders if he is being messy - because he can REALLY be messy - he has many shades of narcissism, unfortunately. Hearing about his upbringing has led me to that conclusion.
 
caribeandiva said:
Do your sons know that? If they do then I don’t think they’d mind if you skipped the party and celebrated privately with them another time.
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They HAVE to know. I met my youngest for lunch today and we had a conversation about it. My son-in-law is trying to assure me that the ex's woman (one of whom he was cheating with) won't be invited; all the more reason for him to bring her if he knows I'll be there.

So messy. I want no part of it.
 
OneShinyface said:
Yes. They eloped in November and have been together 5 years, so he knows the history and subsequent craziness.

Part of me wonders if he is being messy - because he can REALLY be messy - he has many shades of narcissism, unfortunately. Hearing about his upbringing has led me to that conclusion.
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OneShinyface said:
They HAVE to know. I met my youngest for lunch today and we had a conversation about it. My son-in-law is trying to assure me that the ex's woman (one of whom he was cheating with) won't be invited; all the more reason for him to bring her if he knows I'll be there.

So messy. I want no part of it.
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Okay that’s what I thought. It’s almost like he is trying to fix a long term family problem by making you the sacrifice. He is meddling, pretending to be helpful and caring, while planning a potentially ugly and messy birthday party. Girl you sit this one out. Your adult sons whom I assume are loving and protective will be fine — smh at this guy :nono:.
 
MzLady78 said:
Why would he think they would want him there? Even if they aren't privvy to what exactly went down with you and him (and knowing how close you and the boys are, I'd be surprised), the way he's treated them would lead me to think they wouldn't particularly want him there.

I'm really surprised that this is even an issue. But no, you aren't wrong at all.
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They know most everything because they lived it with me. I am curious as to how the idea of him being invited came about though. Normally, he's not even a factor.
 
OneShinyface said:
Yes. They eloped in November and have been together 5 years, so he knows the history and subsequent craziness.

Part of me wonders if he is being messy - because he can REALLY be messy - he has many shades of narcissism, unfortunately. Hearing about his upbringing has led me to that conclusion.
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Don’t go. Send something to your son A couple of days before his birthday. Like to his job, and send him a text and email to. tell him you love him very much, and all of the things your are proud of.

This is to intercept the upcoming drama and not show your hand. This is so you won’t spoil the surprise and have to explain yourself. If you don’t show up, you already showed your child you cared about his birthday.

This is chess. You are probably dealing with another Narc, but you can’t use the same tactics with this one, since he is your son’s spouse. You gotta play the game to not get isolated, or have your child turn against you.
Only if you care.. if not, leave them all alone. These are all grown men.
 
I have been so trained and broken since childhood that I just know I don’t want to be bothered anymore. I have so much to unlearn. I attract friends and romantic partners that are all the same. And I was raised to not be confrontational. I was raised to not speak up and stand up for myself, but I was naturally a child that didn’t back down, but was conditioned to. I have never been taught how to say No, and how to look out for the boogie man. I was always taught to be kind and see the good in others no matter what.

I have such a good long term memory. It’s a gift an a curse. I don’t understand for the life of me, how some people just forget, or are able to block out certain things. I can’t block out anything to save my life. How does one move on from things that keep replaying in your head? Not even a therapist has been able to answer that question.

I now understand that it is PTSD.
What gets me is this is hard to discuss with black people. I know once I had kids and dealing with the person I was married to kicked fear in and the person I deal with now has kicked it into overdrive.

I never wanna deal with someone else’s needs and concerns. Never is strong, but that’s how I’m feeling right now. I have been tip toeing and walking on eggshells for the last 20-25 years of my life. I’m a people pleaser, it will take me years to learn how to balance all of that.

One minute I’m told i’m beautiful, next minute I’m worthless. I try to do what is asked of me, but I never get it quite right. I’m always having to prove myself to others, or show people I’m a good person. I walk on eggshells with everyone. I don’t know if I’m a nice person, or a selfish person, I know I have adhd, so I have to make sure I don’t take over conversations, and learn to not try to be the center of attention. Even certain women have tried to make me feel uncomfortable for being happy, funny, silly, or the I put effort into my appearance, so they can feel more comfortable around me.

I feel like certain people (women included) will mirror my behavior, but will act like a completely different person around other people. Oh their mask does slip off at times, but that’s crazy to me. I have been told I attract crazy people! Lol

Ok, so I just had a therapy session on here. Lol
 
shortdub78 said:
I have such a good long term memory. It’s a gift an a curse. I don’t understand for the life of me, how some people just forget, or are able to block out certain things. I can’t block out anything to save my life. How does one move on from things that keep replaying in your head?
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I so wish I had an answer for this, but it’s a struggle for me. It’s never been easy for me to push things to the side, and with this last situation, it’s been impossible.

Re: not wanting to deal with other’s needs/concerns, I realized I felt the same when I briefly attempted to start dating again a few months ago. “Good morning” texts made me roll my eyes. “What are you doing” texts had me like “don’t worry about WTF I’m doing”. I thought it was maybe just that I wasn’t feeling the guys, cuz lord knows, once upon a time, my day wasn’t complete until that “good morning, babe” text. Then it hit me that I just did not want to bothered. I just don’t have anything left to give right now, I’m too busy trying to put myself back together. I don’t want to feel obligated to do ANYTHING, not even something as simple as respond to a text. I’m that emotionally drained.
 
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MzLady78 said:
I so wish I had an answer for this, but it’s a struggle for me. It’s never been easy for me to push things to the side, and with this last situation, it’s been impossible.

Re: not wanting to deal with other’s needs/concerns, I realized I felt the same when I briefly attempted to start dating again a few months ago. “Good morning” texts made me roll my eyes. “What are you doing” texts had me like “don’t worry about WTF I’m doing”. I thought it was maybe just that I wasn’t feeing the guys, cuz lord knows, once upon a time, my day wasn’t complete until that “good morning, babe” text. Then it hit me that I just did not want to bothered. I just don’t have anything left to give right now, I’m too busy trying to put myself back together. I don’t want to feel obligated to do ANYTHING, not even something as simple as respond to a text. I’m that emotionally drained.
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This is how I feel and you know I have kids too, so I really don’t have it to give to certain people. I’m so over that good morning text mess and that what you been up to foolishness! Lol what I don’t like is when I find myself doing all of the talking, or texting. I ask them how the same and I get I’m good, or cool..
 
MzLady78 said:
I so wish I had an answer for this, but it’s a struggle for me. It’s never been easy for me to push things to the side, and with this last situation, it’s been impossible.

Re: not wanting to deal with other’s needs/concerns, I realized I felt the same when I briefly attempted to start dating again a few months ago. “Good morning” texts made me roll my eyes. “What are you doing” texts had me like “don’t worry about WTF I’m doing”. I thought it was maybe just that I wasn’t feeling the guys, cuz lord knows, once upon a time, my day wasn’t complete until that “good morning, babe” text. Then it hit me that I just did not want to bothered. I just don’t have anything left to give right now, I’m too busy trying to put myself back together. I don’t want to feel obligated to do ANYTHING, not even something as simple as respond to a text. I’m that emotionally drained.
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OMG! You just described me to a T! I want to date and go out and have fun with someone, BUT. I must not be ready. Granted, I did have a stint with another narc, but after that, the few that passed the "I'm not a narc" test, I don't want to be bothered with. That and those who aren't on my level. I'm not taking care of another man. Ever.
 
OneShinyface said:
OMG! You just described me to a T! I want to date and go out and have fun with someone, BUT. I must not be ready. Granted, I did have a stint with another narc, but after that, the few that passed the "I'm not a narc" test, I don't want to be bothered with. That and those who aren't on my level. I'm not taking care of another man. Ever.
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I feel you on the taking care part. You become their assistant, and you better get it right, or it will be hell to pay. Either they will be aggressive with telling you what you did wrong, blame you, blatantly mistreat you, or they will be on some passive aggressive mess. And it could be so small as leaving their shoes in the middle of the floor, because they know you will trip over them! they have no problem with screwing up, and you are suppose to just pick up the pieces and fix the issue. You let them run the show, you will end up broke and destitute! Lol
 
shortdub78 said:
This is how I feel and you know I have kids too, so I really don’t have it to give to certain people. I’m so over that good morning text mess and that what you been up to foolishness! Lol what I don’t like is when I find myself doing all of the talking, or texting. I ask them how the same and I get I’m good, or cool..
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By nature, I’m not big on small talk, so this drives me insane.

OneShinyface said:
OMG! You just described me to a T! I want to date and go out and have fun with someone, BUT. I must not be ready. Granted, I did have a stint with another narc, but after that, the few that passed the "I'm not a narc" test, I don't want to be bothered with. That and those who aren't on my level. I'm not taking care of another man. Ever.
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It’s tough. I definitely get lonely, but the thought of getting into something even remotely similar to what I just got out of is enough for that feeling to be pretty short lived. I need peace while I try to sort through the issues that landed me where I am, and I can’t have anything or anyone threaten that peace. I don’t want to be writing the same posts on this forum that I wrote all through my 20s and 30s in my 40s.
 
MzLady78 said:
By nature, I’m not big on small talk, so this drives me insane.



It’s tough. I definitely get lonely, but the thought of getting into something even remotely similar to what I just got out of is enough for that feeling to be pretty short lived. I need peace while I try to sort through the issues that landed me where I am, and I can’t have anything or anyone threaten that peace. I don’t want to be writing the same posts on this forum that I wrote all through my 20s and 30s in my 40s.
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This is why I don’t journal anymore.
 
Just want to thank you all for validating what I was thinking. The son-in-law KNOWS how close my sons are to me and knows how much we enjoy being with each other, so for him to try to "bridge a divide" and bring the ex into the mix disgusts me. I've sacrificed so much of ME dealing with their dad since age 21 and I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm done. And they know that I've always been their savior, their provider and caregiver, but on this one, I'm sitting out.
 
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