How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!

From my experience with my ex-narc, he would do the following:

he would find me extremely valuable,
de-value me,
discard me,
then start the cycle all over again..until I was drained of life itself and got rid of him.

If I saw him checking out another woman in front of me, he would deny it, blow up about it, and say that I always lied on him. If he said something offensive and I repeated it back to him, he would totally deny it and then twist the words around so much until I started to believe that he didn't say it! When I was with him, my mind was like this:dazed: LOL!
But when he "loved" me, it was earth shattering!!!!!! :dinner:But the crazy relationship and being with him just wasn't worth it.:spinning:
 
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So the son-in-law called and said he felt like I had "gone dark" and I gave it to him straight; no chaser. I ripped him and ripped him good. Of course he said my son gave him a guest list that included the ex. Do I believe it? NO! I explained to him several times that I will not attend if the ex is there. And that I have a trip for the weekend of the party on hold because I didn't want to be here feeling left out without being with my son. He said he hadn't invited him, but that he did reach out to his girlfriend and tell her that he was hosting a party and that she couldn't come? REALLY? He's created a big mess and now he's trying to fix it. Probably because he wants my cash to help bankroll it. Of course now that she knows, the ex knows about the party.

Son-in-law is trying to ensure that I come to the party and the ex doesn't. It didn't even have to be this way. He caused a whole lot of unnecessary drama. UGH! I'm done. Life is too short and my babies know I love them to the ends of the galaxy. That's all that matters.
 
I just thought I'd leave this gem of a topic from NarcSite.com here: (cruise through to the 8 tactics used by the Narc)


HOW-THENARCISSIST.jpg
 
caribeandiva said:
@OneShinyface your son in law is a trip! Looks like your son married his own dad. Have your sons been to therapy?
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No. They haven’t. And what’s worse is that the married son’s spouse tells him that he has narc tendencies, talks about how he’s trying to help him not be one, and spends his time reading about them even though he is one himself!! Hurts my heart that my son fell victim. Oh the stories I could share about my son-in-law who is my age, mind you. I didn’t wish this for my dead, sweet empathic son who is so much like me.
 
OneShinyface said:
No. They haven’t. And what’s worse is that the married son’s spouse tells him that he has narc tendencies, talks about how he’s trying to help him not be one, and spends his time reading about them even though he is one himself!! Hurts my heart that my son fell victim. Oh the stories I could share about my son-in-law who is my age, mind you. I didn’t wish this for my dead, sweet empathic son who is so much like me.
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I didn’t want to say this before but I think your son in law is jealous of the relationship you have with your son. Now that you mentioned his age I really believe this to be the case. The best thing you can do is heal yourself and be a wonderful example of a healthy, happy, boundaried woman. Your son definitely needs therapy to heal from what he has been exposed to. But he has to want to get help.
 
@hopeful - I believe he is jealous as well. He often mentions that he wishes he had a close knit family like ours but he doesn’t. In 5 years, I’ve never met anyone from his family. Never.

I just learned from my youngest that it was, in fact, my son-in-law’s idea to invite the ex. He lied to me last night and said it was my oldest son’s idea. Totally not true. My oldest doesn’t know what’s happening. Then he (SIL) sent my youngest son a text afterwards begging him not to say anything about the party to his dad. This is because I said I wasn’t coming. He also begged me not to say anything to my oldest because he doesn’t want him so know that he lied on him and screwed up what could have been a wonderful event (with my bankroll) into a low budget house party (because he doesn’t work - long story). Further proving his lying, scheming messiness.

I’m still not going to attend. He has created a mess of which I will not be a part.
 
Ivonnovi said:
I just thought I'd leave this gem of a topic from NarcSite.com here: (cruise through to the 8 tactics used by the Narc)


HOW-THENARCISSIST.jpg
Click to expand...
Wow...this is pretty spot on. Regarding deflecting... At first I would just take the okey dokey from him. If he wanted to deflect or change the subject I would just leave the topic alone and run with it. Once I understood that it was a tactic they used, I put my foot down. You wanna play ring around the rosey...I'll play with you:angeldevil:.

I was in an argument with an ex narc and he decided to leave the room and go into the next room mid conversation. To a normal person that means you're dismissing me and leaving the argument. I asked him "why did you leave the room and if you're not going to come back and discuss like an adult then I will leave". He had the nerve to say that he left because I wasn't listening to him and if he leaves the room...I should've followed him :confused:. He twisted it to make me seem like I'm wrong and deflected because he was being called out. I had to speak to him like a child. "No that's not how this works. If you want to get through this heated discussion you sit and discuss like a grown up. If you leave the room, you are saying you want no part of this conversation. I'm not following you like some puppy. Since you don't want to be a grown up... I'm getting my purse and leaving this apt. Bye".

*midway down the block I get a text asking if I'm coming back as he is peeking through the blinds
me: No. This conversation is over.

I cut his supply off. You're not getting away with deflecting with me anymore. You don't want to own up to your ish...I'm removing myself from the situation. To a narc they can't handle the thought of someone not chasing after them. Which is why he expected me to follow him through every room in the middle of an argument. No my brotha
 
mensa said:
Usually, if you ignore a narcissist it will drive them stark raving mad, :angry2: .
They love any form of attention, even if it's negative.

And if they can locate or contact you, they will always come back!
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^^This. By the end of my divorce the ex would do whatever he could to illicit a response from me because I had placed him on "ignore".

Most recently, after not having any contact with our sons for months, he told the youngest he thought they were mad at him. To show him that they weren't, they met him for drinks. Mind you, all of this took place right after I'd gone out on a date with a high school classmate of mine whom he knew because they competed in track against one another and because he always attended my class reunions.

They happen to be Facebook friends, I later learned, and he saw a photo of us out together. So while at drinks with my sons, he tells them that some of my chapter sorority sisters were trying to hit on him and that some of my sands were encouraging it - all to get a rise out of me because he wasn't happy about my date. Mind you, he's been in a relationship with someone in my sorority (a different chapter) since before the divorce was final. SMH.

His story was a lie he thought would piss me off. I laughed. All of my chapter sorors know he is bad news.

That's another thing about narcs, they're usually compulsive liars who can do so at a moment's notice with any physiological changes - no eye twitching or nervous ticks - nothing.
 
I think a friend may be dealing with a narcissist. She has been going back and forth with him for over ten years. She wants to get married and he knows it. She broke up with him or he started ignoring her, not sure which one happened. She has been unable to breakup with him, it him who always leaves. The last time this happened she met someone and developed feelings for the guy. Unfortunately the new guy doesn't want anything serious. While dealing with the new guy, for the first time she didn't run to the old guy when he came calling. He can't seem to take this rejection. Now he showed up at her place when she was the one who always goes to his place. She was going out of town to visit her mom and he told he will be in that city at the same time and he would like to come to visit her at mother's house. Insinuating he wants to meet her mother. He never showed up. Yesterday he claimed he was going to be around her work place but instead sent her Valentine flowers instead. He claimed he only said he was around her job to get her work address so he could send her flowers.

I believe this guy has issues and she is a source of ego boost for him since she was always running back to him. She changed and now he is pulling all sorts of stunts. The surprising part of this whole thing is my friend was touched. She couldn't focus at work for the rest of the day after getting the flowers. She said she has been doing good until now and now she is worried she might relapse. My advice to her was to ask him what his intentions are. Why is he doing this now? I told her to write everything she wants to ask him down before calling. Don't do it face to face because she might get weak. She asked me does she have to ask him those questions, she doesn't want to. I told her she has the upper hand right now and she should take advantage of it. She told me the upper hand won't last long because she always gets weak with him.

I really don't understand, she is such a no nonsense kind of person in other aspects of her life but when it comes to men she loses her head.

Would someone please share an article on how to spot a narcissist? I want to send it to her.
 
abioni said:
I think a friend may be dealing with a narcissist. She has been going back and forth with him for over ten years. She wants to get married and he knows it. She broke up with him or he started ignoring her, not sure which one happened. She has been unable to breakup with him, it him who always leaves. The last time this happened she met someone and developed feelings for the guy. Unfortunately the new guy doesn't want anything serious. While dealing with the new guy, for the first time she didn't run to the old guy when he came calling. He can't seem to take this rejection. Now he showed up at her place when she was the one who always goes to his place. She was going out of town to visit her mom and he told he will be in that city at the same time and he would like to come to visit her at mother's house. Insinuating he wants to meet her mother. He never showed up. Yesterday he claimed he was going to be around her work place but instead sent her Valentine flowers instead. He claimed he only said he was around her job to get her work address so he could send her flowers.

I believe this guy has issues and she is a source of ego boost for him since she was always running back to him. She changed and now he is pulling all sorts of stunts. The surprising part of this whole thing is my friend was touched. She couldn't focus at work for the rest of the day after getting the flowers. She said she has been doing good until now and now she is worried she might relapse. My advice to her was to ask him what his intentions are. Why is he doing this now? I told her to write everything she wants to ask him down before calling. Don't do it face to face because she might get weak. She asked me does she have to ask him those questions, she doesn't want to. I told her she has the upper hand right now and she should take advantage of it. She told me the upper hand won't last long because she always gets weak with him.

I really don't understand, she is such a no nonsense kind of person in other aspects of her life but when it comes to men she loses her head.

Would someone please share an article on how to spot a narcissist? I want to send it to her.
Click to expand...


I would start from the beginning of this thread, there are a number of links throughout. The very first post is a link to a YouTube video on how to spot one.

But yes, this dude sounds like one to me.
 
@abioni - He sounds like the person I spent 31 years of my life with, including 26 years married to.

If someone doesn’t think you’re the one after a year or less, you gotta go. He’s going to continue to put her through the ringer until she has nothing more to give and her self esteem, if it isn’t already, will take years to repair so she can find a healthy relationship.

She must go no-contact now and not look back. He is not the only man out there, despite what this sicko might try to make her believe.
 
I have a longtime friend who I am most certain is a narc. It's gotten to the point where it's frustrating and I'm thinking of severing ties. Everything is about her, and it appears that she lacks any form of empathy.

I've been going through a very difficult time over the course of the past couple of months. I battle with mental illness (bipolar II, anxiety and severe depression). The depression is at its worst, and over the course of the last couple of weeks, I've isolated myself from a lot of people because I don't want to be a burden. Luckily, almost all have been supportive of me...everyone but her.

Over the weekend, I received this long text where she basically told me that I wasn't being a good friend to her because I wasn't responding/reacting to comments she was making about things going on in her life and her "accomplishments," and that she didn't know what was going on with me, but she feels like I need to do better. I took some time to think about it and realized I was incredibly offended. How is it that someone you've known for years and that you consider to be your friend all of a sudden grows distant and you know that their going through a rough time, and your first instinct is to tell them off as opposed to being worried that something more is possibly wrong with them? She is the ONLY friend who knew what I was going through and didn't bother to check on my wellbeing.

When she "checks" on me, it never feels genuine, but more of a way to try to get some tea on me. I don't trust her enough to confide in her because she has a track record of telling all of her friends' business. She complained that she feels that I don't open up to her, but there have been times where I tried to open up about traumatic experiences I've dealt with and her attitude was so dismissive that it was like being slapped in the face. She either ignored what I said or seemed to be trying to one-up me by giving a story about herself. She finds a way to revert EVERY conversation back onto herself and it's tiring. Over the years I've just dealt with it an accepted her as she is, but I'm tired of it now...especially considering that she doesn't seem to accept me for who I am or even try to understand who I am.
 
abioni said:
I think a friend may be dealing with a narcissist. She has been going back and forth with him for over ten years. She wants to get married and he knows it. She broke up with him or he started ignoring her, not sure which one happened. She has been unable to breakup with him, it him who always leaves. The last time this happened she met someone and developed feelings for the guy. Unfortunately the new guy doesn't want anything serious. While dealing with the new guy, for the first time she didn't run to the old guy when he came calling. He can't seem to take this rejection. Now he showed up at her place when she was the one who always goes to his place. She was going out of town to visit her mom and he told he will be in that city at the same time and he would like to come to visit her at mother's house. Insinuating he wants to meet her mother. He never showed up. Yesterday he claimed he was going to be around her work place but instead sent her Valentine flowers instead. He claimed he only said he was around her job to get her work address so he could send her flowers.

I believe this guy has issues and she is a source of ego boost for him since she was always running back to him. She changed and now he is pulling all sorts of stunts. The surprising part of this whole thing is my friend was touched. She couldn't focus at work for the rest of the day after getting the flowers. She said she has been doing good until now and now she is worried she might relapse. My advice to her was to ask him what his intentions are. Why is he doing this now? I told her to write everything she wants to ask him down before calling. Don't do it face to face because she might get weak. She asked me does she have to ask him those questions, she doesn't want to. I told her she has the upper hand right now and she should take advantage of it. She told me the upper hand won't last long because she always gets weak with him.

I really don't understand, she is such a no nonsense kind of person in other aspects of her life but when it comes to men she loses her head.

Would someone please share an article on how to spot a narcissist? I want to send it to her.
Click to expand...
She doesn’t need to ask those questions because he will just throw her a bunch of word salads and confuse the mess out of her. She needs to not contact him at all. Tell her those flowers were a manipulating tactic. He didn’t come through like he said. He didn’t come to meet her parents like he said, and that just trying to get the address thing is creepy. He is mentally messing with her.
 
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@abioni Regarding your friend: Look up and become v-e-r-y familiar with the following terms: Hoovering, Dosing, Love Bombing, and Self-Love Deficit.
YouTube has a ton of videos on this very subject.

After you become familiar with the terms, and watch a few videos share the term list with your friend along with a video that she may be receptive to.

Ask her to give you a call so that you all may discuss the video. Try to stay objective during y'alls convo but DO NOT expect her to immediately change (or to recognize that all of those terms apply to her situationship)

@BlueEra Tell your friend that "She's Right" and congratulate her on her accomplishments. Then go on to tell her that you are either a."Not feeling" well OR b."Not in a good place right now"; and continue on with how you hope to reach out and reconnect once you are better.

I don't want to call her Toxic or Bad for You; but right now her style of friendship is not good for you. The above convo Validates her feelings (therefore avoiding a debate) and at the same time gives you the power to "connect with her later".

Based on your description she does seem to be displaying Narc behaviors. The best you can do when she does this is limit and control your exposure to these behaviors. Since you all have a long-term friendship she should still be there when you're better, AND/OR now that you've validated her feelings perhaps she will reciprocate by validating yours (maybe).​
 
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ChasingBliss said:
(((((HUGS)))))) I may not have experienced your exact circumstances, but I know the depths of that type of frustration...needing the person to see what they WONT see. You ask yourself are they really not seeing it, or are they seeing it and withholding to make you suffer. It's like a petrified coat of steel around their heart.

All I can say is let go. Let go of your anger and all the dibilitating emotions. Dont let their stick up their butt become your stick. The way I have learned to do it is by placing more value on my happiness and sanity than on the warped ways of the other. Sit down and write out everything you want and need emotional then commence to providing it for yourself. We are our number one supporters. We need to be there for ourselves.
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This is old, but I really see how things are and were with my parents. My mother was the exact same way (codependent) and my father was/is a narc. I never felt protected. I felt like nobody had my back and through the years, I have been taught and conditioned to put up with unkindness and abuse. I’m getting to the point I don’t care about wanting to be liked, and wanting to be around a bunch of people trying to figure out who is evil and who isn’t.
 
shortdub78 said:
This will be my journey this year. I am letting go. I am taking baby steps. I'm mad as heck right now, but I won't run to them and cry about it. Just do what I can do to make the situation better.
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I’m still here.. 4 years later and I’m still stuck right here. I have to step away from fear and step out on faith. Things have gotten worse over time. I just wanna be free.
 
Does anyone consider what they had a real relationship? When dealing with the narc, you are dealing with a false self, and most of what they do is calculated and mirrored. So with that being said, do you really know what a real relationship is? What it is suppose to look like?
 
shortdub78 said:
Does anyone consider what they had a real relationship? When dealing with the narc, you are dealing with a false self, and most of what they do is calculated and mirrored. So with that being said, do you really know what a real relationship is? What it is suppose to look like?
Click to expand...

I still struggle with this thought even after all this time. I go over in my mind all the things we experienced together and I'm still not sure if what we had was real...or was it a con. The only reason I was able to compare what I had with my nac vs a healthy relationship is because I had a healthy relationship prior to the narc. I compared the treatment and realized the narc wasn't responding the way a normal man who genuinely wants a woman would respond
 
I guess my ex needed his supply topped up because this week has been horrendous. He has sent me essay long texts daybin day out. Called me a whore, a coon, a bad mother blah blah blah; and threatened going for custody. All this while not even once mentioning our son's name, or asking after him. The son that he tells everybody that I withhold him access to despite him not being in contact with since November..and even then that was to ask me to have another child by him because HE 'doesn't believe' in half-siblings:drunk:. This man is scarily crazy.

And the more indifference he feels from me, the faster he is falling apart and getting more and more dangerous.He text me on Wednesday saying "Just to confirm: Do you want to do things the hard way?"

I just want him to leave us alone. I don't want my son to learn anything from him.
 
@lesedi
Did you respond to any of that? I feel so bad for you because I completely understand what you are going through. I wish he would just go the hell away and leave you and your son alone.
 
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