How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!

[Frizzyb]

The last time i posted I was finally moving into my own place. Its been about 2 months now and he has done so many things to make life hell. The one that hurt me to my heart happened last week. Child Proctive Services called me. (both the kids live with him. I had my son but he made him feel so guilty for coming with me he went back of there) He called them about our son not having his meds for his bipolar. Anyway the lady came and I explained everything and she said this looks as though he is trying to make a case against you for custody. She dismissed the case. I then told her my concerns with the kids living with him. 1. our child is depressed and with gun in the house 2. he works at night leaving them alone (he does not want them to come with me. I'm not trying to fight with him putting the kids in the middle. I prefer to do it in a civial manner) 3. The condition of the house (cleaniness). I took pictures and show and she was . I told her that was clean. I'm currently waiting on their findings

Been there, when I left he tried a number of things also. My kids were smaller and I left them with their dad in the home that was bought for them due to the fact I truly didn't have anywhere to go. Not a reliable family member to be found and he had support from his mother who lived there and made it horrible for me as well as his niece.
Now he was unjustly enriched cause I left it all, even clothes. I had bought just about everything in the house but because my children were there and I didn't want him to have the power to play games telling me when and if I could have my things I said forget it it's just stuff.
Saw my kids very frequently but when I got settled in my new apt. and it finally got thru to him that this wasn't a break he tried to keep them from me. Didn't last long cause his backup quickly tired as he's lazy.

 

[Mitre]

So I told him on Sunday I was filing for divorce. By Monday he had all of his stuffed moved out. I have no internet, a couch to sleep on, and unable to drive my car cause it's a stick shift. But he's doing some very interesting self reflection which I've never seen him do. He's trying to get to the root of his depression and suicidal thoughts. It sounds like he's going through the healing process...and I say this because I went through the healing process already so I know how people act when going through this. Today he came by and gave me some money for bills and brought over some food for the dog. He said if I needed anything to just ask. As of right now, he wants to get counseling which I agreed to. But he expects that I'm still going to file. I told him I just want to be friends and get my authenticity back and from there we can decide whether or not we can continue this relationship because who I REALLY am may not be right for you.

Sounds like he is hovering.

Sent from my typo iPad machine.

 

[biznesswmn]

Wow @ this thread. Not sure now if DH is a full blown narc or just has many traits

Do u find that narcs lie more, or r honest and clueless to their craziness?

 

[eyunka]

They have their own truth

Wow @ this thread. Not sure now if DH is a full blown narc or just has many traits

Do u find that narcs lie more, or r honest and clueless to their craziness?

 

[eyunka]

Frizzyb

My youngest (16 ds) is suffering the most. He's a picky eater. I stopped by the other day to bring dinner to the kids because i know it had been a long time since they had a home cooked meal and he face was sunken in and he admits he's lost 15 pounds. He doesn't eat much when he is with me but he is eating even less because there is nothing but frozen food stuff there.

I've been picking him up and bringing him to the house to spend a couple nights with me ensuring I cook all his favorite mealsto add a litte weight to him. He wants to put me on child support. My ds wants to stay with me and my dd wants to stay with him. I don't see the problem. I too left everything and its all mine but because my kids are there i didn't want to punish them.

Been there, when I left he tried a number of things also. My kids were smaller and I left them with their dad in the home that was bought for them due to the fact I truly didn't have anywhere to go. Not a reliable family member to be found and he had support from his mother who lived there and made it horrible for me as well as his niece.
Now he was unjustly enriched cause I left it all, even clothes. I had bought just about everything in the house but because my children were there and I didn't want him to have the power to play games telling me when and if I could have my things I said forget it it's just stuff.
Saw my kids very frequently but when I got settled in my new apt. and it finally got thru to him that this wasn't a break he tried to keep them from me. Didn't last long cause his backup quickly tired as he's lazy.

 

[Frizzyb]

Frizzyb My youngest (16 ds) is suffering the most. He's a picky eater. I stopped by the other day to bring dinner to the kids because i know it had been a long time since they had a home cooked meal and he face was sunken in and he admits he's lost 15 pounds. He doesn't eat much when he is with me but he is eating even less because there is nothing but frozen food stuff there. I've been picking him up and bringing him to the house to spend a couple nights with me ensuring I cook all his favorite mealsto add a litte weight to him. He wants to put me on child support. My ds wants to stay with me and my dd wants to stay with him. I don't see the problem. I too left everything and its all mine but because my kids are there i didn't want to punish them.

Yes, I cannot lie there will be negative impact. My oldest who's 10 is the opposite. Because the food is of such low quality-all convienence stuff and salty add in meals like hamburger helper, ramen noodles, lunch meat, hotdogs etc. she is ravenous when she comes by me. We split custody so he gets a week then I get a week. She was already a chubby kid but she has really put on weight since the split. I'm working on it but it's hard cause all I want to do is make home cooked nutritious filling meals for them.
I will say this, I'm in a much stronger place to help my children without all the extra that comes with their father. I mean I would have to help my children overcome something cause that's what's life is-adapting. Please try to stay positive in your new set of problems, this new road. Because if you turn back now your angry narc husband who will have never forgiven you because you managed to break free. (Even tho he will fake like he has, you probably know this already and see the pattern) He will go even harder and try to break you.

 

[eyunka]

Frizzyb
I'll never go back! I sacrificed my happiness for more than half of my marrige (10 years) so my kids could have a two parent home. I have to be a little selfish now. I will still be there as much as this situation allows me to be without it getting truly ugly(i don't want the kids to experience that). I know/hope over time things for my kids will get better.

Yes, I cannot lie there will be negative impact. My oldest who's 10 is the opposite. Because the food is of such low quality-all convienence stuff and salty add in meals like hamburger helper, ramen noodles, lunch meat, hotdogs etc. she is ravenous when she comes by me. We split custody so he gets a week then I get a week. She was already a chubby kid but she has really put on weight since the split. I'm working on it but it's hard cause all I want to do is make home cooked nutritious filling meals for them.
I will say this, I'm in a much stronger place to help my children without all the extra that comes with their father. I mean I would have to help my children overcome something cause that's what's life is-adapting. Please try to stay positive in your new set of problems, this new road. Because if you turn back now your angry narc husband who will have never forgiven you because you managed to break free. (Even tho he will fake like he has, you probably know this already and see the pattern) He will go even harder and try to break you.

 

[mensa]

My ex-husband was one of these. He, would wig out over the smallest things, curse me out, threaten to put me out, and other madness. The last straw was when we got into an argument over something stupid and he told me that other women's bodies looked better than mine AND that I didn't have the body that I used to have. It was very easy for me to cut him off after that. Of course he cried profusely, made all kind of promises that he would change, even told me that everybody is guilty of saying hurtful mean things to folk that they love. When he saw that I was done with him, the nasty behavior returned. I tell you, I really believe that this man belonged to the devil.

He was so charming in public. I used to ask him how could someone with the face of an angel have the heart of a demon. He was all up in the church, loved to cry if he saw somebody suffering. He was a real piece of art. Some people still look at me puzzled as to how I could let such a good man go.

My advice to you? STAY AWAY FROM THEM.

 

[kweenameena]

I've cut out most of the known narcissists in my life. My mom, dad and best friend. It's amazing how they just so happened to all be cut off around the same time. Even my narcissistic boss quit. And while I miss having someone to turn to (especially my best friend) things are slowly turning around for me.

I was diagnosed about a year ago with having ADHD. My life was in shambles. My credit was jacked, I was behind on bills, I was codependent, overweight, always tired, always anxious, afraid to deal with my problems, af I couldn't focus on anything at all, couldn't stick with anything, never wanted to be social...I was a depressed mess. I had struggled my whole life.

Now, that I've come into awareness of narcissism and I'm learning how to focus on me....I see things slowly changing.

Changes I see:
I'm overeating less (I was a serious emotional eater and self-medicating with food. Especially sugary or carb-laden foods that gave me that serotonin boost)
I'm overspending less (compulsive spending is a form of self-medicating)
I have less anxiety (it's easier for me to open my mail, pay my bills, deal with conflict, not have to be busy all of the time)
My home is cleaner
I feel more social-I've been going out wayyy more
I don't feel the need to make every guy I date become "The One". I'm filling my own void so I don't need them to fill it for me.
My ADHD doesn't affect my life as much (sometimes I think I don't really have ADHD but adhd symptoms from being raised with narcissistic parents. Emotional abuse and trauma really does affect your neurology and physiology.
I feel younger (being with my narc ex aged me)
I don't have the chest pains that I experienced with my narc ex (being with him was literally killing me).
I don't miss my ex. I didn't even feel compelled to call him on his b-day. (Normally I would've called him and told myself that I was being the bigger person or I wouldn't have wanted to come across as petty/selfish)
I've spotted and turned down tons of narcs/psychopaths that have tried to take me on dates (I can spot the BS easily now)
I'm just happier.

I won't say that everything in my life is fixed or that I'm at my best but I've experienced changes that I never thought I was capable of experiencing. I used to feel that I was just doomed to be a failure and a ****-up because I couldn't get it together. I felt I was sabotaging myself and couldn't stop.

I still struggle with feelings of no self-worth at times and loneliness. But everyday gets better, gets easier and I feel more empowered.

I just want to give someone hope (even those who are lurking) that it really does get better. You will stop missing him, you will no longer be captive to the pain of your childhood, you will no longer be a victim.

Put in the work, become obsessed with learning how to love yourself, and heal yourself.

 

[Frizzyb]

I've cut out most of the known narcissists in my life. My mom, dad and best friend. It's amazing how they just so happened to all be cut off around the same time. Even my narcissistic boss quit. And while I miss having someone to turn to (especially my best friend) things are slowly turning around for me. I was diagnosed about a year ago with having ADHD. My life was in shambles. My credit was jacked, I was behind on bills, I was codependent, overweight, always tired, always anxious, afraid to deal with my problems, af I couldn't focus on anything at all, couldn't stick with anything, never wanted to be social...I was a depressed mess. I had struggled my whole life. Now, that I've come into awareness of narcissism and I'm learning how to focus on me....I see things slowly changing. Changes I see: I'm overeating less (I was a serious emotional eater and self-medicating with food. Especially sugary or carb-laden foods that gave me that serotonin boost) I'm overspending less (compulsive spending is a form of self-medicating) I have less anxiety (it's easier for me to open my mail, pay my bills, deal with conflict, not have to be busy all of the time) My home is cleaner I feel more social-I've been going out wayyy more I don't feel the need to make every guy I date become "The One". I'm filling my own void so I don't need them to fill it for me. My ADHD doesn't affect my life as much (sometimes I think I don't really have ADHD but adhd symptoms from being raised with narcissistic parents. Emotional abuse and trauma really does affect your neurology and physiology. I feel younger (being with my narc ex aged me) I don't have the chest pains that I experienced with my narc ex (being with him was literally killing me). I don't miss my ex. I didn't even feel compelled to call him on his b-day. (Normally I would've called him and told myself that I was being the bigger person or I wouldn't have wanted to come across as petty/selfish) I've spotted and turned down tons of narcs/psychopaths that have tried to take me on dates (I can spot the BS easily now) I'm just happier. I won't say that everything in my life is fixed or that I'm at my best but I've experienced changes that I never thought I was capable of experiencing. I used to feel that I was just doomed to be a failure and a ****-up because I couldn't get it together. I felt I was sabotaging myself and couldn't stop. I still struggle with feelings of no self-worth at times and loneliness. But everyday gets better, gets easier and I feel more empowered. I just want to give someone hope (even those who are lurking) that it really does get better. You will stop missing him, you will no longer be captive to the pain of your childhood, you will no longer be a victim. Put in the work, become obsessed with learning how to love yourself, and heal yourself.

Yes, I know what's most important is strengthening self. Getting to know and rebuilding who you are so as not to be another narcs victim.
I have to admit there are lots of things I need to fix so to speak. In my whole life I haven't concentrated on me due to being dealt a rotten hand but also having made bad choices along with it.

 

[eyunka]

This is so true. I knew going into this there were some things i needed to work on but each day I'm peeling back another layer that needs to be worked on. I knew I was "messed up" but goodness. I'm founding that I need to work things from my childhood, 1st marriage issues, self worth, guilt, and the list can go on.

Yes, I know what's most important is strengthening self. Getting to know and rebuilding who you are so as not to be another narcs victim.
I have to admit there are lots of things I need to fix so to speak. In my whole life I haven't concentrated on me due to being dealt a rotten hand but also having made bad choices along with it.

 

[Country gal]

I've cut out most of the known narcissists in my life. My mom, dad and best friend. It's amazing how they just so happened to all be cut off around the same time. Even my narcissistic boss quit. And while I miss having someone to turn to (especially my best friend) things are slowly turning around for me.

I was diagnosed about a year ago with having ADHD. My life was in shambles. My credit was jacked, I was behind on bills, I was codependent, overweight, always tired, always anxious, afraid to deal with my problems, af I couldn't focus on anything at all, couldn't stick with anything, never wanted to be social...I was a depressed mess. I had struggled my whole life.

Now, that I've come into awareness of narcissism and I'm learning how to focus on me....I see things slowly changing.

Changes I see:
I'm overeating less (I was a serious emotional eater and self-medicating with food. Especially sugary or carb-laden foods that gave me that serotonin boost)
I'm overspending less (compulsive spending is a form of self-medicating)
I have less anxiety (it's easier for me to open my mail, pay my bills, deal with conflict, not have to be busy all of the time)
My home is cleaner
I feel more social-I've been going out wayyy more
I don't feel the need to make every guy I date become "The One". I'm filling my own void so I don't need them to fill it for me.
My ADHD doesn't affect my life as much (sometimes I think I don't really have ADHD but adhd symptoms from being raised with narcissistic parents. Emotional abuse and trauma really does affect your neurology and physiology.
I feel younger (being with my narc ex aged me)
I don't have the chest pains that I experienced with my narc ex (being with him was literally killing me).
I don't miss my ex. I didn't even feel compelled to call him on his b-day. (Normally I would've called him and told myself that I was being the bigger person or I wouldn't have wanted to come across as petty/selfish)
I've spotted and turned down tons of narcs/psychopaths that have tried to take me on dates (I can spot the BS easily now)
I'm just happier.

I won't say that everything in my life is fixed or that I'm at my best but I've experienced changes that I never thought I was capable of experiencing. I used to feel that I was just doomed to be a failure and a ****-up because I couldn't get it together. I felt I was sabotaging myself and couldn't stop.

I still struggle with feelings of no self-worth at times and loneliness. But everyday gets better, gets easier and I feel more empowered.

I just want to give someone hope (even those who are lurking) that it really does get better. You will stop missing him, you will no longer be captive to the pain of your childhood, you will no longer be a victim.

Put in the work, become obsessed with learning how to love yourself, and heal yourself.

Thank you for sharing. I needed to read this.

 

[eyunka]

Venting

I'm the unfit parent but you can't keep groceries in the house! You insist both kids live with you and I allow it because i don't want the kids to see us fighting over them. I called my son yesterday to ask how he was doing and he said he was hungry. I asked why didn't he call me and he said he didn't want to bother me. I asked how long have you been hungry he says a couple days. He didn't want to bother dad because its the end of the month and he knew dad didn't have money to go get him something to eat

I told him when his sister gets off work to come to my house. I cooked dinner for them and spent over 100 dollars in groceries for them to take back to the house. Talk with my daughter and she mentioned the house needed to be cleaned and she was the only one doing it(which i knew).

After they left, moments later i decided to go help my daughter. I shampooed the carpet and a good cleaning of the house at 10 something last night. My daughter started to cry because seeing me clean reminder her of how things used to be. That hurt my heart.

My son came home with me last night. He ate huge bowl of rice and gravy. I woke up this morning and he'd ate a pb&j, half a cake and almost half gallon of milk. When i woke him up to take him back to his dad's, the 1st thing he did was go straight to the kitchen for another pb&j and more cake. My child was hungry.

I hate he is reaping the benefits of me trying to help the kids.

 

[DarkJoy]

Buck up and take custody. That is neglect and abuse. Omg. That broke my heart to read

 

[eyunka]

I'm documenting everything I do. Keeping reciepts, pictures of the dirty house. DarkJoy, I rather do it through the courts. My son was with me but his dad made him feel so bad for coming with me he cried. My son couldn't stand the way his father treated him so he went to stay with him. Bucking up is not going to do anything but put the kids in the middle. They are going through enough as is. Trust me i want to take them. CPS has been involved but the neglect is not bad enough for them to do anything about it.

Buck up and take custody. That is neglect and abuse. Omg. That broke my heart to read

 

[crlsweetie912]

Venting

I'm the unfit parent but you can't keep groceries in the house! You insist both kids live with you and I allow it because i don't want the kids to see us fighting over them. I called my son yesterday to ask how he was doing and he said he was hungry. I asked why didn't he call me and he said he didn't want to bother me. I asked how long have you been hungry he says a couple days. He didn't want to bother dad because its the end of the month and he knew dad didn't have money to go get him something to eat

I told him when his sister gets off work to come to my house. I cooked dinner for them and spent over 100 dollars in groceries for them to take back to the house. Talk with my daughter and she mentioned the house needed to be cleaned and she was the only one doing it(which i knew).

After they left, moments later i decided to go help my daughter. I shampooed the carpet and a good cleaning of the house at 10 something last night. My daughter started to cry because seeing me clean reminder her of how things used to be. That hurt my heart.

My son came home with me last night. He ate huge bowl of rice and gravy. I woke up this morning and he'd ate a pb&j, half a cake and almost half gallon of milk. When i woke him up to take him back to his dad's, the 1st thing he did was go straight to the kitchen for another pb&j and more cake. My child was hungry.

I hate he is reaping the benefits of me trying to help the kids.

That made my heart hurt to read. Praying for you and the children.

 

[MzLady78]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, eyunka. I hope there's a resolution in your favor soon.

 

[eyunka]

Wow...I just recieved a "thank you " text. The spiteful person in me is telling me not to respond "you welcome"....ugh



ETA: It was too good to be true. He had a follow up text.."The next time you take "my son" i would perfer to hear it from you or him...Not find out by asking dd how they are doing @11pm at night"

Venting

I'm the unfit parent but you can't keep groceries in the house! You insist both kids live with you and I allow it because i don't want the kids to see us fighting over them. I called my son yesterday to ask how he was doing and he said he was hungry. I asked why didn't he call me and he said he didn't want to bother me. I asked how long have you been hungry he says a couple days. He didn't want to bother dad because its the end of the month and he knew dad didn't have money to go get him something to eat

I told him when his sister gets off work to come to my house. I cooked dinner for them and spent over 100 dollars in groceries for them to take back to the house. Talk with my daughter and she mentioned the house needed to be cleaned and she was the only one doing it(which i knew).

After they left, moments later i decided to go help my daughter. I shampooed the carpet and a good cleaning of the house at 10 something last night. My daughter started to cry because seeing me clean reminder her of how things used to be. That hurt my heart.

My son came home with me last night. He ate huge bowl of rice and gravy. I woke up this morning and he'd ate a pb&j, half a cake and almost half gallon of milk. When i woke him up to take him back to his dad's, the 1st thing he did was go straight to the kitchen for another pb&j and more cake. My child was hungry.

I hate he is reaping the benefits of me trying to help the kids.

 

[DarkJoy]

How does CPS not see a child that is starving as enough reason for intervention @eyunka? What in the ***?! I am STUNNED.

Can you get private therapy for the youngest? Perhaps a psychological eval can get things rolling.

 

[eyunka]

@DarkJoy
He is in therapy now. The therapist says he wants to talk more about the the things going with his peers. He's not talking about home life. I have individual talks with therapist and I tell her my concerns. My husband has convinced the doctor his weight lost is from his depression due to the fact he didn't have his meds because i didn't make an appt when i was supposed to.

At this point its his word against mine and seeing as she knows we are going throught a seperation her concerns is about ds, not so much what we are saying because she is not sure i guess who could be lying (if the makes sense)

My DS has his meds and isn't depressed anymore but more sad due to the situation so the doctor is not as concerned because kids go through divorce. As long as he is not talking sucide.


ETA: Also my DS is a picky eater and husband uses that reason also as to why he is losing weight. He says i spoil him and cook and the buy the things he wants. Where as there is some foods in my husband's house DS dosesn't eat. he says if he get hungry enough he will eat it. But he is not

How does CPS not see a child that is starving as enough reason for intervention @eyunka? What in the ***?! I am STUNNED.

Can you get private therapy for the youngest? Perhaps a psychological eval can get things rolling.

 

[kweenameena]

I've been reading a lot about how to cope with being ultra sensitive, emotional, etc.

Some of the traits of BPD (borderline personality disorder) fit me. So I found out that a really effective way of healing BPD is through Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).
I found a workbook on DBT at Barnes & Noble that had really great reviews.
It also has great reviews on Amazon. If anyone wants to do the book with me...that'd be great.

Here's the link to it: http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-B..._1?ie=UTF8&qid=1406136045&sr=8-1&keywords=dbt

I also wanted to update you all on my contact with my narc ex. He ended up getting back in touch with me and I entertained his convo (which I normally wouldn't). I was afraid that I wouldn't be strong enough to stop myself from jumping back into a relationship with him.
Well, he lives about 45 mins away and was in my area last night and sent me a text asking if he could see me. While I would've loved the company, or even just to have a hug or feel some type of love....I said no. I chose me.
It's a small victory but I'm appreciative that I'm at this point.

 

[DarkJoy]

@eyunka to you and you children.

I wish all narcs would just go up in flames and leave this world with peace. Yuck.
_____________

NARC VENT PLEASE DO NOT QUOTE

OAN. my narc dad drives me up the wall. You'd think that at around 70 narcs chill out. NO. THEY GET WORSE. I keep my distance but when HE wants something its all about him and I'm all wrong. It's not unusual for him to blow up my phone and call like 10 times a day because he wants something stupid like my address for trivial crap but then goes 4 months with no contact or even asking after his only grandchild, ignores our bdays and holidays. But if it's HIS bday or he just wants something the world implodes and he literally will come to my house unannounced and dont even ask how i've been the last quarter year. WTF

He is also making ZERO provisions in his Will for my disabled sister, HIS ELDEST daughter and my disabled BLIND mother, his wife, mother of his kids and partner of over 50 years. He said when he's gone he wont care and that "they will be your burden then, DarkJoy. You do what you want." So basically they will have whtever care I can (not) afford because he wont leave his wordly possessions to his family. Oh great.

 

[eyunka]

@DarkJoy

All I can say is wow! By law won't your mom get everything anyway. Won't she get his SS as well? I think you have to be married to a person to recieve their SS after they have passed

 

[DarkJoy]

Please dont quote:

I wish it were that easy eyunka but he is so self centered that he divorced her so that he wouldnt have to be financially responsible for her. They still live together though and she still cooks his meals, cleans, etc. As for my sister he ddnt want to be financially responsible for her either so he signed over all parental and custodial rights away years ago.

So really, when he dies it will be up to me (and I'm a divorced single mom) to financially provide for them where SS and all that falls short. He is already losing his health. I give him maybe 5 years. I'm working on him to do SOMETHING but he refuses. Just told me if he needs a nursing home to SELL THE HOUSE to cover his medical & living expenses (where will my mom and sis live?!)

He really just doesnt give a ish.

 

[eyunka]

DarkJoy

I thought my situation was bad, but its a piece of cake compared to yours. My thoughts go out to and your family as well

 

[DarkJoy]

It's all 'fun' when dealing with narcs... arent they just grand?

 

[Kindheart]

Are narc also emotionally unavailable and blow hot and cold ?

 

[tinkat]

Are narc also emotionally unavailable and blow hot and cold ?

Yes they are.

 

[Ivonnovi]

kweenameena (#286) and eyunka (#288)

Your posts tell my story (experiences with narcissists) too.
I've used the info from the enclosed pictures to help keep things in perspective as I improve my "choices". It seems I'm real good at drawing narcissists to me.

 

[Country gal]

I had some serious issues with Narc Exs. They will kill your self esteem, big time.