How to spot a NARCISSIST and why you attract them!

[eyunka]

Another episode of "crazy nacr husband"

Some here may have questioned why I haven't take immediate actions with concern for the kids, how can i sit back and wait more or less. Of course there are a number of reasons. The below is one of them...

DD came over last night to speak with my mom while i was at work. She finally admitted DH has been taking money from her checks. This week she was paid 140 and he took 100. to pay bills. She then went on to say she went through his text messages (not sure what made he do that) and realized all the things she was told (i.e. I didn't want them anymore, It was all about me, saying mean hateful things to him) were a lie. She read all the text from him to me being really nasty, mean and hateful. Most of my responses were 1-3 word responses. She saw where he called me a garden tool.

She told my mom he has text from married women talking about he can't wait to have sex with them. She said "granny who is the garden tool"

My dd was team daddy but is slowly coming to the light. Things she thought was not true. My mom says she can tell dd is internalizing how she treated me now she realizes the stuff isn't true.

This is one of the reasons I sit back because he is doing all the dirty work for me. The kids will get tired of it and want to leave. When that time comes I will be sure to get the police involved. I already know once they come to me he will try to force them back.

 

[Ivonnovi]

You know, [as they say "Jesus take the Wheel"] but I found out that in this life, I'd rather be the "garden tool" than to be a doormat. I found that I could not be the doormat for my Narc ex's and family; NO SIR!

@eynka Thank you for walking away from him and his superficial facade'. I pray that as your daughter continues to mature she too gains the strength to not fall for this type of "charm"

Another episode of "crazy nacr husband"

Some here may have questioned why I haven't take immediate actions with concern for the kids, how can i sit back and wait more or less. Of course there are a number of reasons. The below is one of them...

DD came over last night to speak with my mom while i was at work. She finally admitted DH has been taking money from her checks. This week she was paid 140 and he took 100. to pay bills. She then went on to say she went through his text messages (not sure what made he do that) and realized all the things she was told (i.e. I didn't want them anymore, It was all about me, saying mean hateful things to him) were a lie. She read all the text from him to me being really nasty, mean and hateful. Most of my responses were 1-3 word responses. She saw where he called he a garden tool.

She told my mom he has text from married women talking about he can't wait to have sex with them. She said "granny who is the garden tool"

My dd was team daddy but is slowly coming to the light. Things she thought was not true. My mom says she can tell dd is internalizing how she treated me now she realizes the stuff isn't true.

This is one of the reasons I sit back because he is doing all the dirty work for me. The kids will get tired of it and want to leave. When that time comes I will be sure to get the police involved. I already know once they come to me he will try to force them back.

 

[Kindheart]

What are the traits of narcissistic women ?

 

[natural2008]

^^^ same as a man.

 

[CharUK]

Very interesting thread.

How would you go about dealing with a colleague who is a narc?

 

[julzinha]

Very interesting thread. How would you go about dealing with a colleague who is a narc?

Ignore them or have minimal contact. Do not let them pull you in by any means.

 

[CharUK]

Ignore them or have minimal contact. Do not let them pull you in by any means.

When you're in the same team and have to work closely with this person that's extremely hard *sigh*

Thanks.

 

[Evolving78]

kweenameena (#286) and eyunka (#288)

Your posts tell my story (experiences with narcissists) too.
I've used the info from the enclosed pictures to help keep things in perspective as I improve my "choices". It seems I'm real good at drawing narcissists to me.

I just got dragged down the rabbit hole the other day. It was bad, I'm still emotionally bothered. Just a horrible person. Empty with no soul.

 

[ChasingBliss]

When you're in the same team and have to work closely with this person that's extremely hard *sigh*

Thanks.

I understand...but the brighter side is that you dont have to sleep with them at night.

 

[crlsweetie912]

It's all 'fun' when dealing with narcs... arent they just grand?

Dang....smh that's crazy. When he divorced your mother she didn't get anything? And signing over parental rights? That's low.
He sounds so much like my dad. He's having surgery Monday and has blown up my phone and posted all over my Facebook. I haven't talked to him in months. My sister can't go because she's in training for the police department.
Needless to say last year when I had my surgery he was a no show.

 

[CharUK]

I understand...but the brighter side is that you dont have to sleep with them at night.

Hallelujah!

For the most part I keep my distance as much as possible, use quiet rooms etc.

 

[bluediamond0829]

Great thread. I haven't read it all. But I dealt with a man for 4 to 5 years to realize that he was a Narc. And it was just all of a sudden we were ok and one day when I was at his house after we came from the movies and he started once again talking about himself blah blah. Which I just think I ignored in the past and just went with the flow but for some reason He was just unattractive to me. Then the next day I sent him a text with just a simple couple of exchanges he again did it. He said something like can't wait until the day is over-- he didn't put the word him or he couldn't wait and I responded with yes I can't wait until the day is over and his response was no I was talking about me. Something about those laat words stood out to me so much because thats all hes been doing is talking always about him. From that last text I just stopped all communication from that point on. He hasn't reached out to me and I haven't reached out to him. And this happened on May 28th of this year. It just was something about between that Sunday and Monday just made him unattractive to be around and it was his narc attitude and selfishness. And I'm pretty sure it's all that that's keeping him from even contacting me but at this point who cares.

I just believe all people have this trait but u have some that just have less of it in them.

 

[DreamLife]

I feel so stupid. I knew better but was tricked into letting my narc ex back into my life. Ruined my whole summer and now he's gone again thank God. I just feel so dumb for letting it happen again. Things got pretty ugly (verbal abuse) and I was terrified so I have no desire to ever ever hear from him again. Overall with the back and forth I feel as if a good year of my life was taken away from me. I'm just glad I realized something was wrong before I had gotten in too deep (he was talking marriage and all this). So I guess it was a blessing in disguise but I should have known better from the first time around. Never again. I've never felt such fear and confusion. Never again ever. Before him I never knew crazy like this existed.

ETA: I last spoke with him 5 days ago. He contacted me and I just replied ok. No contact from either side since. I deleted his number and I don't have it memorized. want to send him a long email telling him how horrible/crazy a person he is and how he needs psychological help but I think I'll just let things fade away in silence. I never know just how crazy this man could be and I need to keep myself safe. Might delete.

How do you all deal with this?!? It's literally insane. Like it messes with your mind and makes you feel all types of crazy. I know I'm a good woman and a good person. I didn't deserve this...no one does. But hurt people hurt people and his early life was one of the most screwed up lives I have ever heard. So I think it's best for me to just glean all the lessons I have and thank God to be able to move on.

So I continue to add to this post but I'll be done. In a matter of a week he went from "I love you, we are getting engaged, blah blah" with specific detailed plans to

1. Severe mood swings. Laughing to anger multiple times throughout the day. Then had the nerve to ask me what's wrong when I looked terrified.
2. Silent treatment toward me followed by laughing and talking with MY family and his friends when they called or showed up where we were (could be a matter of seconds, minutes, hours apart)
3. Displays of jealousy toward me in his speech because I had a stable upbringing and he did not so "I should have no problems, ever"
4. Verbal abuse

I wanted to kick him out of my apartment one day he was there but I literally thought something bad was going to happen. I was just like Um...I thought you had somewhere to go right, are you leaving? It was just traumatizing.

It feels like I literally dodged a bullet. I talked to my mom and she said he said something off to her casually (she's very intuitive) and she had been worried ever since.

 

[bluevalentine]

DreamLife sorry that you had to go through this! I've been thru similar and it was a confusing and hurtful time. Verbal abuse and manipulation is very damaging and the longer you stay the worse it will get and the harder it will be to leave. My advice to you is to not contact him at all, and don't respond to anything if he reaches out to you. And don't send him that email either as it won't make a difference because they never change, if anything they get worse.

The fact that he had a hard life growing up is never an excuse to treat someone with cruelty, and is just an excuse and a sob story to get you to pity him.

Also, What was it that he said to your mom?

 

[DreamLife]

DreamLife sorry that you had to go through this! I've been thru similar and it was a confusing and hurtful time. My advice to you is to not contact him at all, and don't respond to anything if he reaches out to you. And don't send him that email either as it won't make a difference because they never change, if anything they get worse. The fact that he had a hard life growing up is never an excuse to treat someone with cruelty, and is just an excuse and a sob story to get you to pity him. Also, What was it that he said to your mom?

So we had a few family outings and my mom kind of pulled him to the side and had a few separate conversations with him to her a feel for how he was. She said he would randomly ask, does this family ever fight? You guys all just act like a Huxtable family. You guys keep in touch like this? Like our family was odd because we were all having a good time and had a good relationship with one another. Or he randomly mentioned that people hadn't done nice things for him that my parents had done for me. She said he would just interject statements randomly while they were discussing something totally unrelated. She felt that was odd.

 

[bluevalentine]

That is odd. My mom said that she felt like my ex was hiding something. When everything ended I realized she was right he was hiding something...his true self. They can only fake It for so long. Intuition is a powerful thing, I wish I would have listened to mine instead of giving the benefit of the doubt.

Don't beat yourself up too hard about letting him back in. Sometimes it takes a few times to learn a lesson especially when it comes to a narcissist.

 

[DreamLife]

Yep it's like he put out his best facade and all the charisma in the world but after so long with people he just started to crack. We were around some people one day and it looked like he wanted to just knock me upside the head and start screaming but he knew he was in public so he just forced this fake smile. All I asked was a simple simple question, like what time are we doing this tomorrow . Like really basic. Ish just got real scary. I might delete all this but I feel better talking about it. I just saw this quote "be selective in your battles, sometimes peace is better than being right." I know he's crazy and needs help but it's no point in me trying to put myself in harms way and to disturb my peace to get that across.

 

[doriannc]

Chiming in. I'm a victim of a lot of abuses (emotional, psychological, and physical). It stems from my patents but all of my past relationships have been with predators as I call them. I was with a seemingly good guy. Well the best so far, but something wasn't right.

He was always surrounded by people, the life of the party some would say. But he was always negative and put people down a lot. He almost reminded me of my parents about how he would pat me on the head, literally, when I did something awesome. We worked at the same job in a call center, but I was too sensitive to work there. I couldn't shake off people's emotions both good or bad. He would tell me that I needed to toughen up and not care so much. People can always be manipulated, he would say. Big red flag.

I quit that job and decided to become a yoga teacher. I went through training and started to heal myself from within. That started the end of our relationship. I was changing, when he would always say there is no need to change. He even told me that he had done everything he wanted to do in life, he's 31, and that he doesn't need to change. Yet, another big flag.

This thread came right on time.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Chiming in. I'm a victim of a lot of abuses (emotional, psychological, and physical). It stems from my patents but all of my past relationships have been with predators as I call them. I was with a seemingly good guy. Well the best so far, but something wasn't right.

He was always surrounded by people, the life of the party some would say. But he was always negative and put people down a lot. He almost reminded me of my parents about how he would pat me on the head, literally, when I did something awesome. We worked at the same job in a call center, but I was too sensitive to work there. I couldn't shake off people's emotions both good or bad. He would tell me that I needed to toughen up and not care so much. People can always be manipulated, he would say. Big red flag.

I quit that job and decided to become a yoga teacher. I went through training and started to heal myself from within. That started the end of our relationship. I was changing, when he would always say there is no need to change. He even told me that he had done everything he wanted to do in life, he's 31, and that he doesn't need to change. Yet, another big flag.

This thread came right on time.

Interesting how many of them tend to say the same exact things. I bet if we quoted narcs we knew, we'd swear we knew the same person. *smh*

 

[ChasingBliss]

So we had a few family outings and my mom kind of pulled him to the side and had a few separate conversations with him to her a feel for how he was. She said he would randomly ask, does this family ever fight? You guys all just act like a Huxtable family. You guys keep in touch like this? Like our family was odd because we were all having a good time and had a good relationship with one another. Or he randomly mentioned that people hadn't done nice things for him that my parents had done for me. She said he would just interject statements randomly while they were discussing something totally unrelated. She felt that was odd.

You didn't know? To them...you guys (your family) are phony. Nice people are fakers. When you don't fight and act a fool and say mean things, you are hiding something. At least that was some of the things I learned about their mentality.

These people are warped.

 

[DreamLife]

doriannc yep...I've heard that. "You need to toughen up." Apparently "the only reasonable times to cry is if someone dies or you are about to die/lose a limb." Ugh . It's like they want you to be as heartless as them.

 

[DreamLife]

You didn't know? To them...you guys (your family) are phony. Nice people are fakers. When you don't fight and act a fool and say mean things, you are hiding something. At least that was some of the things I learned about their mentality. These people are warped.

Yeah I was thinking well this is my normal and he thought we were putting on a show for him. My family members aren't perfect by any means but we were truly being ourselves. He was the one putting on a show for us.

 

[doriannc]

I just sent him a message on how I wish him well and he blew up. Since becoming a yoga teacher, I have used up all my savings. So the attack on me now is that I lied about my finances. We are not married nor living together. Plus he had told me that he had no intention on helping me. Now that I have moved in with a roommate, I'm dishonest about my situation. What a piece of work.

 

[DreamLife]

I just sent him a message on how I wish him well and he blew up. Since becoming a yoga teacher, I have used up all my savings. So the attack on me now is that I lied about my finances. We are not married nor living together. Plus he had told me that he had no intention on helping me. Now that I have moved in with a roommate, I'm dishonest about my situation. What a piece of work.

Like other people have said opening up contact opens a door for them to start the whole cycle of manipulation and abuse again. I really had the desire to say something (I did the last time) and it just led to this circular nonsense that led to everything being my fault. I feel like with these type of people you can't win no matter what you say it will be twisted and you will walk away feeling confused.

 

[doriannc]

Pretty much. They're like TNT, they know drama. I'm cutting all ties. I think they love to go back in forth, being right and just mentally breaking you down. I'm over it.

 

[kweenameena]

Ladies, just know that when they come back and things seem to be going well....it's not because they have changed. They will definitely treat you worse than before as payback for leaving them in the first place.

 

[ChasingBliss]

Yeah I was thinking well this is my normal and he thought we were putting on a show for him. My family members aren't perfect by any means but we were truly being ourselves. He was the one putting on a show for us.

Good. I'm glad you know this. Once you can clearly see through the shenanigens (sp?)...it's the beginning of peace for yourself.

I just sent him a message on how I wish him well and he blew up. Since becoming a yoga teacher, I have used up all my savings. So the attack on me now is that I lied about my finances. We are not married nor living together. Plus he had told me that he had no intention on helping me. Now that I have moved in with a roommate, I'm dishonest about my situation. What a piece of work.

My God the are truly all alike. They will make you out to be Satan the deceiver over the smallest things.

Me: Im going to the mall then I'm going to get my nails done.
Him: Oh ok
Me: (later after coming back) got nails done but nothing from the mall.
Him: I thought you said you were going to the mall.
Me: I changed my mind. I just went to get my nails and decided to come back home
Him: So you lied then. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Me: Pardon? erplexed

These type of things thank God do not happen anymore. But we have been through some stuff. He has changed a great deal and I didnt even know it was possible. I'm just grateful that a part of him was willing to look inward and start making efforts.

 

[eyunka]

doriannc

My soon to be ex was always concerned about my finances especially when i was moving out and my truck broke down at the same time. He swore up and down I was keeping money from him but what he didn't realize my family loves me and wanted me out of that situation. I never talked about my aunts and uncle much and he assumed we weren't close. He was surprised to find out they helped me get out of that terrible situation. Now he throws up in my face i left him with ALL these bills (same bills he has i have and maybe more) and I have family to help me. They helped me move now everything else is on me to maintain my household.

I just sent him a message on how I wish him well and he blew up. Since becoming a yoga teacher, I have used up all my savings. So the attack on me now is that I lied about my finances. We are not married nor living together. Plus he had told me that he had no intention on helping me. Now that I have moved in with a roommate, I'm dishonest about my situation. What a piece of work.

 

[eyunka]

The bolded all day long. I've just learned to say "ok" and keep it moving because I know better.

Like other people have said opening up contact opens a door for them to start the whole cycle of manipulation and abuse again. I really had the desire to say something (I did the last time) and it just led to this circular nonsense that led to everything being my fault. I feel like with these type of people you can't win no matter what you say it will be twisted and you will walk away feeling confused.

 

[eyunka]

Its been pretty quiet on my end the last several weeks. Word around says he has hooked up with his high school sweetheart which keeps him out of my hair and my business.

Truth moment, I hope this lady continues to make him happy because i feel in time he is going to want to move on with her and will agree to anything during the divorce. All i want is joint custody or full.