How to say no to a trick question

[inthepink]

Ok girls, this is kind of Part II to my relationship vent about being the 3rd wheel.

I don't know how to say no to how this may potentially go down.

I mentioned that my best co-worker and I go to lunch on Fridays and the last two Fridays her clingy boyfriend has tagged along.

So, today is Thursday and I usually get the typical question (in im):

BCW: Hey, are we still on for lunch tomorrow?

HL: Sure!

BCW: Great! BF wants to know if he can tag along again.

HL: WHAT DO I SAY HERE?

Do I say "Oh well, why don't you guys go ahead an I'll just go hang out at Borders?"

I mean, it's kind of a trick question. You're being asked to do something without knowing all of the details.

Any suggestions?

 

[Country gal]

I think you should say that. He doesn't need to tag along all the time. I get on my coworkers about bringing their SO to happy hours. erplexed Leave them at home.

 

[inthepink]

But then it's now obvious that I'm not going solely because he is going...is it ok for people to think that?

See - I have this serious problem with putting others' feelings before mine!

 

[mrsjohnson75]

You can't control what people think. You only have control over your thoughts and feelings, and since you don't feel like being the 3rd wheel at lunch, just say it.

 

[inthepink]

Ok ok - I am going to be courageous!

 

[hopeful]

I would say, "Will he be joining us on a regular basis?" Then I would say, "I can understand why you would want to go out to lunch with your bf, but I think I'm going to pass, maybe you and I can go out to lunch another day." "Let me know when you are available. Tell ---- (her bf) I said hi."

 

[Dee-Licious]

My way of saying no, is just to say "No." hope it all works out for you

I think you should say that. He doesn't need to tag along all the time. I get on my coworkers about bringing their SO to happy hours. erplexed Leave them at home.

I'm confused. Are happy hours just supposed to be for single people? I love having drinks with my SO and we have a great time.

 

[hopeful]

My way of saying no, is just to say "No." hope it all works out for you




I'm confused. Are happy hours just supposed to be for single people? I love having drinks with my SO and we have a great time.

I don't think she's saying that. It's more like what hairlove is saying. You think you are going out with your co-workers but if most of them bring their spouses and get coupled off then it's no longer about the co-workers/friends hanging out, it just becomes something else. On a side note, dh and I need to go to happy hours sometimes too, that does sound like fun.

ETA: Hairlove, let us know how it goes.

 

[inthepink]

Thanks guys - I sure will let you know how it goes. Chances are this won't even happen but if so, I'm at least prepared with a few answers.

My niece may actually be spending the day with me at work tomorrow so it may not even be an issue now. Still, I am sure another Friday, it will.

I appreciate all of the responses!

 

[hopeful]

Thanks guys - I sure will let you know how it goes. Chances are this won't even happen but if so, I'm at least prepared with a few answers.

My niece may actually be spending the day with me at work tomorrow so it may not even be an issue now. Still, I am sure another Friday, it will.

I appreciate all of the responses!

Have fun with your neice, that sounds like fun. Dh takes the girls to work with him sometimes. Well, the issue will come up again and now you have some planned responses. Also be prepared for when she doesn't warn you and just shows up with her bf. Don't forget you will remember that you need to get something from Border's then , you know a book for a friend, a gift, something.

 

[inthepink]

Hopeful - good points!
I do have plans with her after work to see a movie. I am waiting and wondering if BF is suddenly going to be coming.

 

[JustKiya]

Ok girls, this is kind of Part II to my relationship vent about being the 3rd wheel.

I don't know how to say no to how this may potentially go down.

I mentioned that my best co-worker and I go to lunch on Fridays and the last two Fridays her clingy boyfriend has tagged along.

So, today is Thursday and I usually get the typical question (in im):

BCW: Hey, are we still on for lunch tomorrow?

HL: Sure!

BCW: Great! BF wants to know if he can tag along again.

HL: WHAT DO I SAY HERE?

Do I say "Oh well, why don't you guys go ahead an I'll just go hang out at Borders?"

I mean, it's kind of a trick question. You're being asked to do something without knowing all of the details.

Any suggestions?

Say NO.

Real simple - she's asking you if he can come to lunch with y'all - you don't want him to - so you say no, and he stays home.

Maybe I'm missing something, because I haven't read your other threads - but anytime someone asks a question, No is a viable answer.

 

[Innocent_Kiss]

ITA, if you don't want to come off harsh, just say "Why don't you and your sweetheart go ahead. I don't want to be a third wheel. Maybe next Friday?" You're letting her know that you don't like being a third wheel, and next time she'll leave him at home. IMHO

 

[inthepink]

Say NO.

Real simple - she's asking you if he can come to lunch with y'all - you don't want him to - so you say no, and he stays home.

Maybe I'm missing something, because I haven't read your other threads - but anytime someone asks a question, No is a viable answer.

Yep, I get your point but see, I already said yes earlier...so then how do you then say no?? Get it? It's like I said yes to a question I didn't have all of the information on and then suddenly I do get info...

 

[inthepink]

ITA, if you don't want to come off harsh, just say "Why don't you and your sweetheart go ahead. I don't want to be a third wheel. Maybe next Friday?" You're letting her know that you don't like being a third wheel, and next time she'll leave him at home. IMHO

This sounds good, too.

It's about that time on Friday and nothing about lunch just yet so we'll see, girls!

 

[JustKiya]

Yep, I get your point but see, I already said yes earlier...so then how do you then say no?? Get it? It's like I said yes to a question I didn't have all of the information on and then suddenly I do get info...

In my mind, it's two different questions.

Q1) You wanna go to lunch?
Q2) You mind if BF tags along?

So, two different answers are perfectly okay.

 

[lana]

I get what you're saying and I would say: Well that depends, is it just us girls? I really want a girl power lunch, but I can understand if you and your boyfriend want some couple time.

See I have single and married friends and when my single girls want to hang out - not a problem, when my married friends want to hang out...well I don't like all of their husbands, so I make sure we're just doing a "girl power" night out. It's a nice way of saying, I just want to be with you, not your bf!

 

[inthepink]

Didn't happen today, guys. Just she and I had lunch. No mention of the BF. But I will surely be prepared for next time.

 

[inthepink]

My best co-worker and I had planned for a couple of weeks to see a movie tonite after work. The same co-worker who I have the above issue with. There was never any mention of the boyfriend coming.

Now, the movie is 30 minutes away and we're packing up our cubes and she kind of reluctantly says that he's going to meet us there.

What do I say? "Okay."

I mean, seriously! Spring it on me like that. That sucks! And we've been talking about the movie all day but no mention of the boyfriend coming until a little while ago when I mentioned we should leave work a little early she said she was going to text her bf. I started thinking...hmmm...

Oh...why???!?!?!?!?!?

 

[Bunny77]

^^^So what are you gonna do?

Keep posting about it on a message board or actually take some action?

 

[skatergurljubulee]

But then it's now obvious that I'm not going solely because he is going...is it ok for people to think that?

See - I have this serious problem with putting others' feelings before mine!

You can just say that you want to give them time to be by themselves/develop their relationship. And, well, if that doesn't fly, tell 'em that you kinda feel uncomfortable or you thought it was a thing you guys did- withough the SO.
Hope this helps.

 

[DragonPearl]

I would say, "Will he be joining us on a regular basis?" Then I would say, "I can understand why you would want to go out to lunch with your bf, but I think I'm going to pass, maybe you and I can go out to lunch another day." "Let me know when you are available. Tell ---- (her bf) I said hi."

You are so classy.

 

[DragonPearl]

^^^So what are you gonna do?

Keep posting about it on a message board or actually take some action?

LOL.

I think this girl's boyfriend needs to get a life. Or OP needs to get a new girlfriend. I am married, but I still have girlfriends I hang out with. Just between us girls kind of affairs...

 

[inthepink]

Oh I know. I felt caught off guard. I am not going to sit with them.

^^^So what are you gonna do?

Keep posting about it on a message board or actually take some action?

 

[Bunny77]

LOL.

I think this girl's boyfriend needs to get a life. Or OP needs to get a new girlfriend. I am married, but I still have girlfriends I hang out with. Just between us girls kind of affairs...

You know! I guess I've never had that problem... when I wanted to hang with my girls, I hung with the girls and told the SO I'd catch up with him later. I didn't feel the need to have him come to EVERYthang that I did!

Oh I know. I felt caught off guard. I am not going to sit with them.

Cool! I was seriously hoping you wouldn't go and then come back to us and say, "So, I went out with them again!"

 

[hopeful]

If it were me I'd go to another theatre tonight or go tomorrow. The situation still sounds awkward to me. This will keep happening if you don't make a stand. You are still tagging along and made a third wheel. You deserve better than that. Please stand up for yourself.

 

[Riverwalk]

Based on this ...

I do have plans with her after work to see a movie. I am waiting and wondering if BF is suddenly going to be coming.

It sounded like you had a feeling that she was going to do something like this.

Your feelings are important too, so maybe the next time you make plans with her, be clear with your needs. Next time, I would ask whether he is coming or not right off the bat, just so that there will be no guessing as to what will happen. From there, you can make your decision as to whether you want to join her or not.

I hope you enjoy the movie

 

[blue_flower]

It's 2009 Hairlove, it's time for you to stop hurting your own feelings! Tell her you'll go to lunch with her some other time without her boyfriend tagging along!

 

[inthepink]

So we walked to the theatre. Them in front holding hands and talking with my coworker occasuionally looking back to see if I'm still there. I busied myself with my bb. At the movies. I tried to be casual and say oh you guys go ahead and sit there and ill sit here in another row. They didn't get it so I finally said I don't want to sit with you. Oops. I sat alone in a scary movie. And I think her bf is very selfish.

Afterwards I met up with an old friend and only her bf was there. And then her sister came with her bf. And then another friend came with his gf. And then I left

And I feel pretty sad tonite.

But I will try to do better and stop hurting my own feelings.

 

[hopeful]

So we walked to the theatre. Them in front holding hands and talking with my coworker occasuionally looking back to see if I'm still there. I busied myself with my bb. At the movies. I tried to be casual and say oh you guys go ahead and sit there and ill sit here in another row. They didn't get it so I finally said I don't want to sit with you. Oops. I sat alone in a scary movie. And I think her bf is very selfish.

Afterwards I met up with an old friend and only her bf was there. And then her sister came with her bf. And then another friend came with his gf. And then I left

And I feel pretty sad tonite.

But I will try to do better and stop hurting my own feelings.

Wow you had a rough night. And no "oops", I am proud of you for saying outright that you didn't want to sit with them, you had to do what you had to do. Your friend's bf is selfish and your friend either doesn't have the courage to stand up to him or she actually enjoys having all of that attention at once. Either way, all you can do is acknowledge your own feelings and try your best to avoid situations that make you feel bad. You have go to get to the root of why it's so hard for you to respect your own feelings, then you've got to pull that root up and get it out of your life. Don't fret though, okay? Make up for tonight by having a wonderful Saturday and Sunday .