How To Break Up w/ Single Dad?

[Enyo]

This part is bothersome IMO: "You are right about my son, he is a integral part of my life, and he deserves my full attention...to me dating is a side note: meaning we're both grown, I don't need you to pamper me or vice versa..." The bolded says a lot. Children or no children, no woman deserves to be treated like a side note ...You deserve better than that. And you do deserve to be pampered. You handled everything slendidly. Good for you.

Thanks. I honestly think that this is basic butthurt talking. Because, before when we were talking about past relationships, he complained a lot about superficial people, cheating, and people that we just plain crazy. He talked about how he is basically ready to give up the whole dating game because it's so ridiculous. To turn around and say that, shows that he's probably just angry. It's the equivalent of "I didn't really want to be with you anyway".

 

[shespoison]

He is an idiot. What kind of fool does that. Nice or not...dumb move.

 

[Enyo]

He is an idiot. What kind of fool does that. Nice or not...dumb move.

The more I think about it, the more ridiculous the whole thing seems.

 

[Farida]

Maybe he does not know what "pamper" means. The more I read it the more that makes sense.

 

[Farida]

Anyway, I like how you handled things OP. I also think you did good to tell him about introducing his kids to dates. His son will have a broken heart every time he does.

Anyway, why did you say you needed to be eased into the family thing? IMO you should not date anyone with kids unless they are out of the house if you really don't want any. The situation can always change and the kid can become a part of your lives.

 

[Enyo]

Anyway, I like how you handled things OP. I also think you did good to tell him about introducing his kids to dates. His son will have a broken heart every time he does. Anyway, why did you say you needed to be eased into the family thing? IMO you should not date anyone with kids unless they are out of the house if you really don't want any. The situation can always change and the kid can become a part of your lives.

I guess because I'm tired if alternating between men who are 15 -20 years older than me and being alone. I want a guy my age. I'm only 32 and am sick of going out with men who get mistaken for my father. I hoped that if I love someone enough than I could get used to the kid.

 

[kaykari]

I guess because I'm tired if alternating between men who are 15 -20 years older than me and being alone. I want a guy my age. I'm only 32 and am sick of going out with men who get mistaken for my father. I hoped that if I love someone enough than I could get used to the kid.

Remember the kid is a human. Simply getting used to him or her would be a travesty IMO. You dont want to be responsible for creating issues in a kid that you only just tolerate just because. The child will know, no matter how many cupcakes you bake. You'd marry dad and you'll resent the kid in the long run and it would be sad for all parties involved

 

[TayMac]

I think you did the right thing. While I don't think bringing kids on dates is a good idea and I certainly wouldn't, he kinda did you a favor.

If 3 months of dating had gone by and you were more into him and then met his son, that may have been even tougher for you.

The real life of a single parent with full custody means that the kid is there more often than not.

 

[hopeful]

I agree with kaykari, I think you need to stay away from men with children. I know most men by your age either want children or have children. But you have to stand in faith. You have to love how God made you. It's perfectly fine that you don't want children. And while they may not be plentiful, there are men who don't have or want children. When you meet your match you will both likely breathe a sigh of relief . God is good. You will meet him. Believe that, okay? Some of the cutest couples are those without children. They seem to be so careful with each other, share so many interests, travel more, just so happy. Just you and your hubby and a pet...sounds so beautiful.

 

[Enyo]

Remember the kid is a human. Simply getting used to him or her would be a travesty IMO. You dont want to be responsible for creating issues in a kid that you only just tolerate just because. The child will know, no matter how many cupcakes you bake. You'd marry dad and you'll resent the kid in the long run and it would be sad for all parties involved

I never understood the whole evil stepmother trope until I realized I was going to basically be stuck with old men because of my choice not to have kids. Honestly, I don't promise myself that I could never try again to date a man with a kid again. I'm really, really, really, sick of men who are well over 40. Different generation, different interests, often interested in showing you off to their 45+ friends as a way to brag, and their sex is often on the decline. Basically, you're asking me to put someone I don't know/like over myself. I know it's probably the moral thing to do, but it's not the most logical.

ETA: I find most people who say "wait" are people that never had to. It's easy to say that but not easy to do.

 

[bklynbornNbred]

The logical thing to do is figure out what you want and then date smartly.

You're the one setting limits on yourself. If you don't want to be with a man that has kids that means you only date men with no kids. The choice is yours. If that means older men so be it. Marking time with men that have children hoping that after feelings develop that you'll magically feel in tune with the lifestyle reality and responsibilities of a man with a child is foolish on your part. You will not (& should not) come first whether or not he has custody. That child/children will always be there and any woman that encourages a man not to be there for his kids is trifling to me.

Really young men with no children shouldn't be in your serious dating pool either. Use them for movies and dinners. The no kids thing may be cute now but when he gets good and ready he will move on.

If you're not willing to wait then you need to be willing to open your dating pool and adjust your expectations. The choice is up to you. No man worth his balls should ever stay with a woman that merely tolerates his kids. Joking about being an evil stepmother isn't even cute. What you are calling logical I see as selfish. Crazy thing is I've seen women encourage the men they are interested in to not prioritize an existing child then act all surprised when he does the same thing to their child to keep the peace with the next woman. I know you don't want kids but if he allowed himself to behave the way you're suggesting then know he will do it to you one way or the other. Karma is like that.

 

[Enyo]

The logical thing to do is figure out what you want and then date smartly.

You're the one setting limits on yourself. If you don't want to be with a man that has kids that means you only date men with no kids. The choice is yours. If that means older men so be it. Marking time with men that have children hoping that after feelings develop that you'll magically feel in tune with the lifestyle reality and responsibilities of a man with a child is foolish on your part. You will not (& should not) come first whether or not he has custody. That child/children will always be there and any woman that encourages a man not to be there for his kids is trifling to me.

Really young men with no children shouldn't be in your serious dating pool either. Use them for movies and dinners. The no kids thing may be cute now but when he gets good and ready he will move on.

If you're not willing to wait then you need to be willing to open your dating pool and adjust your expectations. The choice is up to you. No man worth his balls should ever stay with a woman that merely tolerates his kids. Joking about being an evil stepmother isn't even cute. What you are calling logical I see as selfish. Crazy thing is I've seen women encourage the men they are interested in to not prioritize an existing child then act all surprised when he does the same thing to their child to keep the peace with the next woman. I know you don't want kids but if he allowed himself to behave the way you're suggesting then know he will do it to you one way or the other. Karma is like that.

Have you tried dating as a black person in Hawaii? It's awful. I mean, notoriously bad. So much so that non-black people I don't know well have asked me if the rumors about black people having a hard time is true. The single dad and I talked about how difficult it has been for us for a whole hour. One HOUR just on swapping stories about the way we've been treated while trying to date in Honolulu. Both of us have been here for almost a year (he moved here one month after me) and have not had one meaningful romantic relationship since we arrived. The struggle is real. The issue is that we both love it here. Hawaii is been good for us spiritually, physically, and psychologically. Dating is the only problem. Isn’t it logical that you should seek the compromise your ideals for the greater good (i.e. not having to leave Hawaii just to find a mate)?

Logic can come across negatively when it doesn't fit what society wants to hear. That's why so many people are against it. They want everyone to think emotionally ("Oh, but you're supposed to LOVE the kid like he was your OWN!") and ignore the fact it's not logical for you to care about a stranger that you don't want around. If I can find a man that’s more interested in being a husband than being a father, why shouldn’t I have a relationship with him? I don’t plan on trying to break up a good relationship, but if it’s clearly weak, then it’s a benefit for me and I will take advantage of it.

There are lots of men that are good partners but bad fathers and visa versa. Some are bad at both, and some are good at both. I think folks need to stop trying say that a man or woman who is not the most involved parent cannot possibly be a good mate. Once again, that’s society’s ideal being made into false fact. I’ve seen evidence to the contrary over and over again – often within my own family.

I repeat: I totally understand why women marry men with kids and then try and boot the kid. I really do. I used to be appalled at it until I found myself banging a 48 year old man because he was the only person I could find that had grown kids and didn't want more. It was disgusting and I won’t go back to that. I never said I’d try and boot the kid. I simply understand why some women are desperate enough to try it.

It's easy for people to type that I should wait, but how would you feel if all your friends and family in your age range were married or in serious relationships and you're sitting there like an idiot waiting for someone that fits your criteria? I respect every post that has been made in this thread, but unless you've dealt with that, your opinions can only go so far. Clearly something has to change, and it's not going to be my stance on not having kids, so the only options are to start considering men my age with children or going back to old geezers. I don’t have the option of being picky anymore. In the DC area, yes, but not here.

Oh, and I don’t believe in Karma. Superstitions have no influence whatsoever.

 

[preciouslove0x]

That was an.... interesting read Good luck OP. I do hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[Enyo]

That was an.... interesting read Good luck OP. I do hope you find what you're looking for.

Oh, I'm not going to. I keep trying, but I know deep inside it's not going to happen. He's going to either be too old or have kids. At this point, it's a matter of accepting that this is my reality.

 

[GoldenRule]

You should probably date a man with kids in high school. If he had them young 20-25, he would be 34-39...not too much older than you. (Preferably in the primary custody of their mother). Kids that age are very much starting to do their own thing. They will be grown up and off to school soon and you will not get too much pressure to have a kid with them if things work out and you marry.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

Have you tried dating as a black person in Hawaii? It's awful. I mean, notoriously bad. So much so that non-black people I don't know well have asked me if the rumors about black people having a hard time is true. The single dad and I talked about how difficult it has been for us for a whole hour. One HOUR just on swapping stories about the way we've been treated while trying to date in Honolulu. Both of us have been here for almost a year (he moved here one month after me) and have not had one meaningful romantic relationship since we arrived. The struggle is real. The issue is that we both love it here. Hawaii is been good for us spiritually, physically, and psychologically. Dating is the only problem. Isn’t it logical that you should seek the compromise your ideals for the greater good (i.e. not having to leave Hawaii just to find a mate)?

Logic can come across negatively when it doesn't fit what society wants to hear. That's why so many people are against it. They want everyone to think emotionally ("Oh, but you're supposed to LOVE the kid like he was your OWN!") and ignore the fact it's not logical for you to care about a stranger that you don't want around. If I can find a man that’s more interested in being a husband than being a father, why shouldn’t I have a relationship with him? I don’t plan on trying to break up a good relationship, but if it’s clearly weak, then it’s a benefit for me and I will take advantage of it.

There are lots of men that are good partners but bad fathers and visa versa. Some are bad at both, and some are good at both. I think folks need to stop trying say that a man or woman who is not the most involved parent cannot possibly be a good mate. Once again, that’s society’s ideal being made into false fact. I’ve seen evidence to the contrary over and over again – often within my own family.

I repeat: I totally understand why women marry men with kids and then try and boot the kid. I really do. I used to be appalled at it until I found myself banging a 48 year old man because he was the only person I could find that had grown kids and didn't want more. It was disgusting and I won’t go back to that. I never said I’d try and boot the kid. I simply understand why some women are desperate enough to try it.

It's easy for people to type that I should wait, but how would you feel if all your friends and family in your age range were married or in serious relationships and you're sitting there like an idiot waiting for someone that fits your criteria? I respect every post that has been made in this thread, but unless you've dealt with that, your opinions can only go so far. Clearly something has to change, and it's not going to be my stance on not having kids, so the only options are to start considering men my age with children or going back to old geezers. I don’t have the option of being picky anymore. In the DC area, yes, but not here.

Oh, and I don’t believe in Karma. Superstitions have no influence whatsoever.

I don't why but I really enjoyed reading this. It's refreshing almost, people always tip toe around the real deal. You got my vote Enyo, hopefully you someone you can work with who meets most of your criteria. Dating is tough, you have to figure out how to make it work.

 

[Ogoma]

^^ you are only 32. A bit too early to give up IMO. What makes dating it hard in HI?

 

[Enyo]

You should probably date a man with kids in high school. If he had them young 20-25, he would be 34-39...not too much older than you. (Preferably in the primary custody of their mother). Kids that age are very much starting to do their own thing. They will be grown up and off to school soon and you will not get too much pressure to have a kid with them if things work out and you marry.

I find that I actually get along OK with children 13-ish for this reason. They are not as needy, and when you do talk to them, you can find more common ground with things like pop culture, etc. I would love to find a guy who had kids young and doesn't want anymore. One hit on me a few months ago, but he was still married. Under 40 is what I'd like. It starts getting awkward around 43/44.

I don't why but I really enjoyed reading this. It's refreshing almost, people always tip toe around the real deal. You got my vote Enyo, hopefully you someone you can work with who meets most of your criteria. Dating is tough, you have to figure out how to make it work.

Thanks. I'm an acquired taste for sure, but it's because I openly take an unpopular opinion and argue it passionately because I really believe it. Even if people don't agree, they often find it interesting to watch.

^^ you are only 32. A bit too early to give up IMO. What makes dating it hard in HI?

Lots of black men here are chasing exoticals or are already married. Single Dad was the first suitable black man to show any real interest in me since I came here. I've gotten some white guys, but they were often too young or transients (military), so I didn't see a reason to start something with them. Locals tend to want other locals. I ran into a lot of arrogance with local men anway, so I'm not too keen on them. I know they aren't all like that, but the ones I briefly dealt with clearly didn't see me as being on their level because I'm not from here.

In my experience, my appeal tends to reside mainly with black men. I've dated other races, but black men have always been my main source of company and romance. I never thought about the fact that I rarely attract "others" would be an issue because I lived in the D.C. area my whole life.

I dunno. I'm only 32, but I feel old and dry. I think those years of struggling with my mental illness have taken more out of me than I realize. I just don't have the energy for the look-hope-reject-repeat cycle I've been on for the last few years anymore. It's too much.

 

[hopeful]

Enyo, I think you will be okay. I think the idea of dating someone with a teen is a good idea. Honestly by 13 they still need us and we need to keep an eye out for them but they really just want to be with their friends. The guy you dated was just really weird. Even people who love kids would have been really annoyed. I honestly think most divorced or single dads are not like that guy at all and tend to be much more balanced and truly want companionship. Many men just leave the kids to the ex-wife, pay for what needs to be paid for, and start a new life. Not saying that is right but I believe a fair share are that way.

I've read your posts before so I get what you are saying and I know you have been through a lot. The good news, IMO, is that you got one of the worse case scenarios out of the way: kid not a teen yet, has full custody, brings kid on dates. I think you will be fine if you stick with men who have older kids. Most men will have more sense than that guy.

And I get the whole you will never be first talk but a man who wants a serious girlfriend or wife will have to make her a priority. The whole the kid always comes ahead of you always is silly IMO. Yes, the child is a priority but no need for the new lady friend to be treated like crap or always coming second. Mothers and fathers have desires and needs and their children need to see them happy and balanced. It is not a competition. I really hope you find a childless man though.

 

[Farida]

How badly do you want to get married?

If dating in Hawaii is so hard and you love it there, then sounds like you made a choice. Because my advice would be to move. It may be great in HI but if you so desperately want to get married or be with a guy that you would consider tolerating another human being then you should be able to tolerate living somewhere else. Have you considered that?

Something's got to give...

 

[Enyo]

How badly do you want to get married?

If dating in Hawaii is so hard and you love it there, then sounds like you made a choice. Because my advice would be to move. It may be great in HI but if you so desperately want to get married or be with a guy that you would consider tolerating another human being then you should be able to tolerate living somewhere else. Have you considered that?

Something's got to give...

I can understand moving in order to keep a relationship together. Hawaii has a huge military population and I see this a lot. Women falling in love with soldiers and then following them to their next post (usually right before or shortly after they marry). Or sometimes people are offered a job on the mainland with moving expenses paid and use it as a fresh start.

But picking up and moving back to the mainland with no romantic prospects and no job in the hopes I'll find someone? That seems almost as ludicrous as dude who brought his kid on a date. I'm a little worried that I appear desperate enough for that suggestion to even be made. If I was, the original post would have never happened because I'd be at Wally World with Single Dad and his kid.

As a general note, I dislike when people say "move" like I'm switching desks at work. Has anyone here moved 5000 miles away to a tiny island? It's probably one of the most stressful and expensive things I've ever done. You really start your life over, and I need a better reason than "trying to find a man" in order to do it again.

Enyo, I think you will be okay.

Thank you. I hope so.

I honestly think most divorced or single dads are not like that guy at all and tend to be much more balanced and truly want companionship. Many men just leave the kids to the ex-wife, pay for what needs to be paid for, and start a new life. Not saying that is right but I believe a fair share are that way.

This is true. I find most of the men on dating sites that have children do not have custody of them.

The whole the kid always comes ahead of you always is silly IMO. Yes, the child is a priority but no need for the new lady friend to be treated like crap or always coming second. Mothers and fathers have desires and needs and their children need to see them happy and balanced. It is not a competition. I really hope you find a childless man though.

Yes, you're right. I was never a fan of "the kid always comes first" because that's a great way to end a relationship. My parents always had (and still have) date night because they didn't want to forget they were a married couple before they were parents. They knew that when my sister and I left, it'd be just the two of them again so their relationship with each other had to be strong. I read about how some couples are so focused on their kids than when they becomes empty-nesters, they don't know each other anymore.

In terms of people who have kids and are dating, always putting the child first inhibits your ability to find someone. Who would want to date someone who never gets any quality time or attention from their prospective mate? How can you even form a relationship? I think the trick is finding a balance. Sometimes your child will come first, but sometimes you need to give priority to the prospective mate in order to further the relationship.

 

[kaykari]

That dude you were dating is straight strange, no doubt. I think your opinion makes me cringe because my father had us every other weekend, and when he was dating...a lot of those weekends got skipped. That was almost 20 years ago, but I remember those painful periods of not seeing my father so very clearly. A kid's logic on why her daddy is MIA can be some crazy thoughts. Luckily the woman he actually married was like do right by your kids or dont even look at me. I thank God for her. I wish you luck OP...because we all want happiness. But think about the kid you may be sending to counseling. And Im honestly disgusted by the character of some of these every other weekend pappies

 

[ambergirl]

Enyo, I think you will be okay. I think the idea of dating someone with a teen is a good idea. Honestly by 13 they still need us and we need to keep an eye out for them but they really just want to be with their friends. The guy you dated was just really weird. Even people who love kids would have been really annoyed. I honestly think most divorced or single dads are not like that guy at all and tend to be much more balanced and truly want companionship. Many men just leave the kids to the ex-wife, pay for what needs to be paid for, and start a new life. Not saying that is right but I believe a fair share are that way.

I've read your posts before so I get what you are saying and I know you have been through a lot. The good news, IMO, is that you got one of the worse case scenarios out of the way: kid not a teen yet, has full custody, brings kid on dates. I think you will be fine if you stick with men who have older kids. Most men will have more sense than that guy.

And I get the whole you will never be first talk but a man who wants a serious girlfriend or wife will have to make her a priority. The whole the kid always comes ahead of you always is silly IMO. Yes, the child is a priority but no need for the new lady friend to be treated like crap or always coming second. Mothers and fathers have desires and needs and their children need to see them happy and balanced. It is not a competition. I really hope you find a childless man though.

Really? I found that long post extremely problematic and I truly wonder if everything will be okay...either for her or who ever she ends up with.

 

[Enyo]

Really? I found that long post extremely problematic and I truly wonder if everything will be okay...either for her or who ever she ends up with.

As much as I respect you, @ambergirl, you have called me a psychopath and implied that you think I'm miserable and unstable. Why are you here trying contradict someone who's trying to be kind and positive towards me? I know how you feel about me and I'm quite sure all you're going to do is regurgitate the same things in this thread that you have all over LHCF. I would appreciate it if you didn't.

 

[Enyo]

That dude you were dating is straight strange, no doubt. I think your opinion makes me cringe because my father had us every other weekend, and when he was dating...a lot of those weekends got skipped. That was almost 20 years ago, but I remember those painful periods of not seeing my father so very clearly. A kid's logic on why her daddy is MIA can be some crazy thoughts. Luckily the woman he actually married was like do right by your kids or dont even look at me. I thank God for her. I wish you luck OP...because we all want happiness. But think about the kid you may be sending to counseling. And Im honestly disgusted by the character of some of these every other weekend pappies

That sounds like your father was just not willing to balance his schedule properly. If he was supposed to have you every other weekend, then he should have planned his dates for the weekends that you weren't there or during the course of the week. The last time a briefly dated a dad with shared custody, it was understood the 2nd and 4th weekends were a no-go because his sons would be staying with him. I never asked for him to change them, and he never offered even when it would be convenient for us (i.e. a festival that was only over a certain weekend).

If a man really wants to see his kids, he's going to see them. If a woman gets in the way, it's because he's allowing her to for whatever reason. I'm not "sending a kid to counseling". The father is doing it by putting his affections towards a woman over his duties to his children. Society is very sexists and will blame a woman for a man's behavior as if a man is too stupid to make his own choices.

 

[ambergirl]

As much as I respect you, @ambergirl, you have called me a psychopath and implied that you think I'm miserable and unstable. Why are you here trying contradict someone who's trying to be kind and positive towards me? I know how you feel about me and I'm quite sure all you're going to do is regurgitate the same things in this thread that you have all over LHCF. I would appreciate it if you didn't.

Enyo you yourself have talked about your struggles. And I haven't posted things about you all over LHCF. I have commented on things i found problematic as i would with any poster. I honestly don't feel anything about you. But One thing I have always admired about you is that you don't use your mental illness as an excuse and you stand by what you believe.

The reason I said something is because this is beyond just you living your life as you see fit. In previous threads you have considered having kids you don't want because you thought it was the only way to get a man and now in this thread you're musing about taking advantage of a man's weak relationship with his kids to serve your self interest without any consideration of a man's children.

I feel this is wrong and felt it needed to be said. You of course will do what you will, but I think pretending that it's okay does you a disservice by telling you what you want to hear rather then engaging you as the intelligent, thoughtful person that you are, treating you as an equal, and expressing my thoughts about what you wrote.

 

[Enyo]

ambergirl I had a long post, but I'll just say this. You told me I have traits of a psychopath and you seem to enjoy reiterating that I apparently have no empathy for other people. If that's the case, then your only intent is to be self-righteous and emphasize your previous assertions. I do not believe anything you say to or about me comes from a good place. Ever.

 

[CaraWalker]

Oh, I'm not going to. I keep trying, but I know deep inside it's not going to happen. He's going to either be too old or have kids. At this point, it's a matter of accepting that this is my reality.

you need to move then. all your posts keep trying to have it both ways instead of prioritizing one thing as more important than the other; ie instead of saying finding a partner is more important than living in hawaii you will continue to live in hawaii and vainly continue to hope to find love. instead of priortizing dating a man with no kids (which would mean moving) youll stay where you are and keep dating men you dont want. wtf. either move or accept the pool where you are because clearly both wont happen at the same time and it is "illogical" as you seen preoccupied with to expect them to coexist together.

 

[lux10023]

i would move....point blank period

and OP I appreciate your candidness...refreshing around here...

 

[ambergirl]

ambergirl I had a long post, but I'll just say this. You told me I have traits of a psychopath and you seem to enjoy reiterating that I apparently have no empathy for other people. If that's the case, then your only intent is to be self-righteous and emphasize your previous assertions. I do not believe anything you say to or about me comes from a good place. Ever.

That's fine. You yourself have said time and time again that you don't like people. In this very thread you have said that it's not logical to care for a stranger because they're a child. You made a point of saying you would have no guilt in using a man's estrangement from his kids to your advantage because you don't believe in "karma". So you tell me, if some one posted things like this over and over again what would you think?

I don't know you or anyone in your life so I don't have an agenda one way or the other. I just find it odd that people don't question some of the things you say. If you don't believe the positive things I've said about you, that's your choice. I meant them. But I also won't pander to you or pretend that some of the things you say are just hunky dory or treat you as anything less then an equal.