He went out of his way to hurt me...

[LoveLiLi]

My SO and I got into it the day before my birthday (my b-day is Dec 31st) and we didn't speak the rest of the day. He also didn't call me on the day of my birthday or for the rest of the week. I've never had an SO go out of his way to be so hurtful. The situation was made worse by the fact that I was recently rear-ended in a car accident and was in pain and needed him to be there for me.

I'm so hurt and angry I can hardly see straight. I'm not a very forgiving person and I don't think this is the type of thing I can get over. My mother thinks I should forgive him, but I think his behavior was too malicious. He apologized, but I'm still angry/hurt and I'm tired of him giving me the silent treatment even when he's the one that's wrong. He's too vindictive and my feelings get hurt if someone even looks at me the wrong way. He wants to continue the relationship, but I think it's best if I break it off - there can only be more of the same if I stay with him.

I'm also upset about this because I have to wonder if I'm a bad judge of character. I came from an abusive background and my father wasn't in the picture and I wonder if my exposure to so much negativity in my past keeps me from identifying negative characteristics about a man until something big happens. I don't know if I'm getting my point across clearly, but I feel as though I don't recognize small indicators that someone else would see as red flags early on because I was so used to bad treatment growing up.

I'm also conflicted because all my life my mother has told me that I'll never be with anyone or get married because I'm too difficult to love. That is always in the back of my mind - that I'm a hard person to love and that I'm meant to be alone. I try to convince myself that it's not true, but after hearing it so many times it stays with me.

 

[alwayzalady22]

((hugs))

did SO apologize and then STILL give you the silent treatment? if so, he's very immature and not worth your time.

if something in your spirit is telling you that something isn't right him, or you simply can't get over how he treated you, then do yourself a favor and leave him alone you're in enough pain as it is with your car accident, and love shouldn't add more pain to your situation.

as for you being 'too difficult to love', i wouldn't buy that for a minute. stay positive and believe that there's somebody out there for everybody! in the meantime, take care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally, and find some activities to do to keep you occupied.

feel better!

 

[locabouthair]

((HUGS))

he was wrong for ignoring you and giving you the silent treatment. I'd be pissed also and i'd probably end it too.

I'm sorry your mother said that to you. Try to push what she said out of your mind. That doesnt have to be your reality.

 

[hopeful]

I'm also conflicted because all my life my mother has told me that I'll never be with anyone or get married because I'm too difficult to love. That is always in the back of my mind - that I'm a hard person to love and that I'm meant to be alone. I try to convince myself that it's not true, but after hearing it so many times it stays with me.

^^^The above is not true, your mother is wrong and she was wrong to say that to you. What on earth could be so unlovable about you dear? I bet you are a sweetheart. Maybe you are a little sensitive and still healing from abuse but that does not make you unlovable. You deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else.

 

[sunshinelady]

To tell you the truth, depending on what happened to spark the fight, I might not have called you or shown up on your bday either. That does not seem abnormal to me. I am not big on pretense and if you went out of your way to piss me off before your bday, then heck naw we aren't going out. Now, you need to decide if he is just not the guy for you.

And, you should NEVER NEED a man to be there for you, sis. Start your work there. The sun does not rise and set in the crack of his a**. You should always have other people you can call.

Now, what your mom said is just plain abusive and you need to rebuke that in the name of Jesus.

 

[Makenzie]

Think about this without the emotion. Honestly, I may have acted just like your SO if there was an argument. However, you say he did apologize. No one does the right thing 100% of the time. Plus you yourself said you are too sensitive and that your feelings get hurt if someone looks at you the wrong way. Not knowing why you guys argued, but it doesn't seem like its something to break up over.

 

[LoveLiLi]

((hugs))

did SO apologize and then STILL give you the silent treatment? if so, he's very immature and not worth your time.

if something in your spirit is telling you that something isn't right him, or you simply can't get over how he treated you, then do yourself a favor and leave him alone you're in enough pain as it is with your car accident, and love shouldn't add more pain to your situation.

as for you being 'too difficult to love', i wouldn't buy that for a minute. stay positive and believe that there's somebody out there for everybody! in the meantime, take care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally, and find some activities to do to keep you occupied.

feel better!

No. He apologized and asked to see me, but I said no.

 

[FlowerHair]

What your mother said is not true. Never believe what anyone says about you with a mean spirit Our mothers love us, but they are not always good for us, unfortunately.

Give your SO another chance, but let him know that you're hurt...

 

[sunshinelady]

Khalia, you sound like you may attract negativity to you. If you feel badly about yourself, you will attract people who will treat you just the way you think you should be treated, badly. Check into the Law of Attraction and how we can change some of our mental programming.

 

[LoveLiLi]

We argued because I was in a-lot of pain from the accident and there were some heavy things in my trunk that needed to be moved before my car was taken to the autobody shop.

The items that needed to be moved would have been heavy even if I wasn't already in pain, and I knew that I was going to be in more pain if I moved them myself. I live in a condo and have to walk up steep steps to get to my house and carrying those things that far is not something I should do in the state I am in.

He did not show up to move the items for me, but trust me, he can be at a friend's party or at happy-hour in a heartbeat.

I guess need was a strong word to use and I did move the items myself, but as far as I'm concerned, I shouldn't have had to. Besides, he damn near cursed me out a few months ago because I wasn't there to hold him and comfort him when he had a cold, so he's waaay out of line.

He wants to be the man in my life, so he needs to act like one. And a man would be there to assist me.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

Whoa this thread has made my day go just a little better...Never hold negative weight against self... Don't let another person envious words hurt you... .

 

[Makenzie]

............................................................

 

[sunshinelady]

We argued because I was in a-lot of pain from the accident and there were some heavy things in my trunk that needed to be moved before my car was taken to the autobody shop.

The items that needed to be moved would have been heavy even if I wasn't already in pain, and I knew that I was going to be in more pain if I moved them myself. I live in a condo and have to walk up steep steps to get to my house and carrying those things that far is not something I should do in the state I am in.

He did not show up to move the items for me, but trust me, he can be at a friend's party or at happy-hour in a heartbeat.

I guess need was a strong word to use and I did move the items myself, but as far as I'm concerned, I shouldn't have had to. Besides, he damn near cursed me out a few months ago because I wasn't there to hold him and comfort him when he had a cold, so he's waaay out of line.

He wants to be the man in my life, so he needs to act like one. And a man would be there to assist me.

Okay, that clarifies then. Sounds like he has shown you enough. Did he seem sincere in his apology?

 

[LoveLiLi]

To tell you the truth, depending on what happened to spark the fight, I might not have called you or shown up on your bday either. That does not seem abnormal to me. I am not big on pretense and if you went out of your way to piss me off before your bday, then heck naw we aren't going out. Now, you need to decide if he is just not the guy for you.

And, you should NEVER NEED a man to be there for you, sis. Start your work there. The sun does not rise and set in the crack of his a**. You should always have other people you can call.

Now, what your mom said is just plain abusive and you need to rebuke that in the name of Jesus.

Lol, I'm very independent and I don't chase behind anyone. It pains me to ask anyone for help. However, he insisted that I let him know if I needed anything and this is the same person that I'm in a relationship and sleep with, so I don't feel I should call others to do what he is capable of doing and should be happy to do in the first place.

 

[sunshinelady]

Lol, I'm very independent and I don't chase behind anyone. It pains me to ask anyone for help. However, he insisted that I let him know if I needed anything and this is the same person that I'm in a relationship and sleep with, so I don't feel I should call others to do what he is capable of doing and should be happy to do in the first place.

Girl, my mom has been saying that sun comment since I was born. I am so glad I could pass it on. K, sounds like you might want to tell him to kick rocks and stay single for a little bit to work on yourself.

 

[LoveLiLi]

Khalia, you sound like you may attract negativity to you. If you feel badly about yourself, you will attract people who will treat you just the way you think you should be treated, badly. Check into the Law of Attraction and how we can change some of our mental programming.

I've read that book, and I've spent a-lot of time reflecting on my past. There was a time when I spewed pure hatred, but I've calmed down and tried to really work on myself. When I was in the accident I told myself "I'm alive, I'm healthy overall, and I didn't kick that lady's ***" (She was acting a fool and the old Khalia would have cracked her head wide open).

I've changed the way I react to negative people and events. It's funny, because I made a decision to be more positive and it's like the universe is putting me to the test with that decision. I'm proud of the changes I've made over the past few years. I'm still evolving, but I've made progress.

 

[sunshinelady]

I've read that book, and I've spent a-lot of time reflecting on my past. There was a time when I spewed pure hatred, but I've calmed down and tried to really work on myself. When I was in the accident I told myself "I'm alive, I'm healthy overall, and I didn't kick that lady's ***" (She was acting a fool and the old Khalia would have cracked her head wide open).

I've changed the way I react to negative people and events. It's funny, because I made a decision to be more positive and it's like the universe is putting me to the test with that decision. I'm proud of the changes I've made over the past few years. I'm still evolving, but I've made progress.

Good stuff girl. I'm glad to hear that. I'm sorry about your accident too. Pain brings out the worst in everybody. Remember, you can always use your 'FU' card. Guys don't know how to handle it.

 

[LoveLiLi]

Okay, that clarifies then. Sounds like he has shown you enough. Did he seem sincere in his apology?

He did seem sincere when he apologized and wants to also apologize to my fam, lol. I'm not a glutton for punishment and I'm trying to gauge whether I'm being too unforgiving and should give him another chance or if I should leave him alone.

 

[Shimmie]

My SO and I got into it the day before my birthday (my b-day is Dec 31st) and we didn't speak the rest of the day. He also didn't call me on the day of my birthday or for the rest of the week. I've never had an SO go out of his way to be so hurtful. The situation was made worse by the fact that I was recently rear-ended in a car accident and was in pain and needed him to be there for me.

I'm so hurt and angry I can hardly see straight. I'm not a very forgiving person and I don't think this is the type of thing I can get over. My mother thinks I should forgive him, but I think his behavior was too malicious. He apologized, but I'm still angry/hurt and I'm tired of him giving me the silent treatment even when he's the one that's wrong. He's too vindictive and my feelings get hurt if someone even looks at me the wrong way. He wants to continue the relationship, but I think it's best if I break it off - there can only be more of the same if I stay with him.

I'm also upset about this because I have to wonder if I'm a bad judge of character. I came from an abusive background and my father wasn't in the picture and I wonder if my exposure to so much negativity in my past keeps me from identifying negative characteristics about a man until something big happens. I don't know if I'm getting my point across clearly, but I feel as though I don't recognize small indicators that someone else would see as red flags early on because I was so used to bad treatment growing up.

I'm also conflicted because all my life my mother has told me that I'll never be with anyone or get married because I'm too difficult to love. That is always in the back of my mind - that I'm a hard person to love and that I'm meant to be alone. I try to convince myself that it's not true, but after hearing it so many times it stays with me.

Don't allow what your mom said to 'direct/dictate' your future. What do you want out of life? You decide and then receive it from the Lord. Not from anyone else's opinion of you.

"Happy Birthday" and I pray that all will mend between you and your friend.

Forgive him and then choose to move on or stay with him. You are the only one who knows what you truly want out of this relationship. You and no one else. So, smile, love, pray, forgive and choose....then move on with your choice.

God bless you.

 

[sunshinelady]

Sounds like you know the answer. What would you tell your daughter to do?

 

[Cichelle]

I guess I should keep my mouth shut because I'd forgive him. But if this wasn't an isolated incident in a long standing relationship, I'd be done with him.

 

[Tallone]

I guess I should keep my mouth shut because I'd forgive him. But if this wasn't an isolated incident in a long standing relationship, I'd be done with him.

I agree. Not calling might be considered inconsiderate and rude but certainly not malicious and deeply hurtful. Either you choose to accept his apology or k.i.m

 

[Caramela]

He didn't talk to you. That doesn't seem like he went "out of his way" to be hurtful. If he slapped you in your face, or slept with another woman in your bed, that would be going out of his way to be hurtful. I think that his actions were insensitive, but in the scheme of things hardly as bad as they could be.
I think that if you care about him that his little silent treatment is forgiveable.

Edited to Add:
You mentioned needing him because of your accident... but I think this may have taught you a valuable lesson and strengthened you enough to know that you didn't need him, you're strong enough to make it on your own. There is nothing wrong with wanting his company or comfort during rough periods, but as a strong young woman you need to learn that you don't neeeeed him. (Do not trick yourself into a needy mindset. You're stronger than that!!

 

[LoveLiLi]

Sounds like you know the answer. What would you tell your daughter to do?

If I had a daughter, I'd tell her to leave.

 

[LoveLiLi]

He didn't talk to you. That doesn't seem like he went "out of his way" to be hurtful. If he slapped you in your face, or slept with another woman in your bed, that would be going out of his way to be hurtful. I think that his actions were insensitive, but in the scheme of things hardly as bad as they could be.
I think that if you care about him that his little silent treatment is forgiveable.

Edited to Add:
You mentioned needing him because of your accident... but I think this may have taught you a valuable lesson and strengthened you enough to know that you didn't need him, you're strong enough to make it on your own. There is nothing wrong with wanting his company or comfort during rough periods, but as a strong young woman you need to learn that you don't neeeeed him. (Do not trick yourself into a needy mindset. You're stronger than that!!

I guess it all depends on what one considers acceptable in a relationship. I feel he went out of his way since it was my birthday and after talking to him I know he sees it the same way. He said he knew it would hurt me and even talked to his friend about it and said "I should call Khalia, it's her birthday". He deliberately tried to hurt my feelings and that's 'out of the way' to me.

I know I'm not perfect and I hurt other people's feelings - everyone does here and again. But something doesn't have to be an extreme - he did something he knew would hurt me and that's unacceptable. For example, if he made me breakfast and I didn't eat it his feelings would be very hurt. It's not extreme, but in his eyes it would be going out of my way to hurt him.

 

[LoveLiLi]

I agree. Not calling might be considered inconsiderate and rude but certainly not malicious and deeply hurtful. Either you choose to accept his apology or k.i.m

Around the time of his b-day we weren't seing eye to eye, but I made sure it was a good day for him and we were still celebrating it into the next weekend w/dinner gifts etc. We're both sensitive, so he knew what type of reaction he'd get by behaving the way he did.

 

[**Tasha*Love**]

Happy Belated Birthday Khalia. All I can add is: follow your heart. The ladies here have given exceptional advice from different point of views. You know your situation and your heart - do what is best for you. Pray about it, listen to your heart and mind, not emotions. Our emotions are fickle and change constantly. Today you might be upset with him and next week you may be crazy in love.

 

[sunshinelady]

If I had a daughter, I'd tell her to leave.

That's your answer.

 

[LoveLiLi]

Thanks ladies, I appreciate all of your responses. I'm still hurt and angry, but I'm going to give it time so I can look at this with a clear head.

 

[Ms_Delikate]

Thanks ladies, I appreciate all of your responses. I'm still hurt and angry, but I'm going to give it time so I can look at this with a clear head.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.